Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
The Male Kunoichi
Chapter 6 - An unmarried, young, eligible, hot woman with a young, virile man staying together under the same roof?
"Well, I guess that was an oversight on my part." The figure shrugged. "But..."
"MFFFFFFT!" Naruto growled. (Or: "I'm not standing for this, you asshole!")
Forming a handseal, Naruto executed his Kawarimi.
"Well, I'd be surprised!" Kurenai chuckled. "A one handed Kawarimi, eh?"
"You'd find that I'm full of surprises." Naruto rubbed his sore wrists. "And who're you?"
"What, I'm pretty sure this isn't your first time seeing my face." Kurenai paused. "Then again, it is sort of understandable since you haven't seen me in this state before..."
Kurenai reached for her usual attire, neatly arranged on a hanger currently on a clothes hook. Given that his captor was currently dressed in a nightshirt with a pair of khaki's underneath, and with her hair still messed up from sleep, Naruto really couldn't relate this woman with anyone he knew. But that dress was sort of familiar... AH!
"Oh! Kurenai-san!" Naruto coughed. "I'm sorry, I couldn't recognize you without your bandage dress."
"Bandage... dress?" Kurenai's eyebrow rose.
"That's what Kakashi-sensei called it, anyway." Naruto shrugged. "Now for more important matters, do you have anything to eat? I'm very hungry, and I'm not a happy man when running on empty.
"Well, the kitchen's to the right." Kurenai called after the blond Genin. "Key note: DON'T mess up my kitchen!"
"Aye aye!" Naruto mock-saluted, hands already occupied with rummaging through the kunoichi's larder.
"And now for Anko..." Grinning like a loon, Kurenai peeked out of the room, and spotted the Snake Mistress still asleep outside in the balcony. Plotting, the Genjutsu mistress reached for a bucket, and walked calmly to the bathroom.
"Where's that blond gaki?" Jiraiya paced the location Naruto should have landed last night hurriedly. "He's not in his apartment, nor pigging out at any Ramen store in Konoha, nor in any of the Rookie 9's houses... Tsunade would've my head if I don't find him immediately."
"Jiraiya-sama?" Kakashi queried, poking the Gama Sennin lightly on the shoulders. Behind him a bleary eyed Sakura dragged herself along, while a visibly upset Uchiha growled.
"Yes?" Jiraiya stared at the Jounin, and then something clicked.
"Kakashi, lend me a ninken." Jiraiya grinned. "The one with the best tracking abilities."
Kakashi shrugged, and complied. Weird request or not, who was he to argue with his idol.
"Do you even have normal food in here?" Naruto complained. "I mean, I can't find anything remotely palatable!"
"I had no idea only ramen made up the category of normal food, Naruto-kun." Kurenai paused. "Or would it be Naruto-chan, soon?"
"...And why're you filling up a bucket of water?" Naruto muttered, eyeing the Jounin go about the business with much suspicion. If it was for him...!
"Look out of the window." Kurenai instructed, and Naruto complied. "See that sloth there?"
"Seriously, the best a Jounin can come up with is water?" Naruto grinned, prankster mode already engaged. "Why, I'd add something like vinegar into the mix to spice things up!"
"I do not want to piss her off..." Kurenai paused. "Scratch that. I don't want to piss her off too much. I do think pouring something that smells on someone is considered an insult, and not a prank."
"Really?" Naruto had this innocent look of wonder on his face. Perhaps a little too innocent. "Perhaps I should apologize to Sasuke – He should be getting something soon enough."
"Something?"
"Something." Naruto nodded sagely. "Something indeed."
Kurenai wasn't sure if it would be good for her sanity if she asked.
Sasuke scowled. The day was a pathetic one; he wasted three hours of valuable training time waiting for a tardy sensei, and that worthless excuse of a teammate was still yawning, despite sleeping that three hours away.
His gut was also screaming at him, but he had his Sharingan, no? What could possibly threaten him, the sole owner of the bloodline? Kakashi didn't count – his eye was not his. Kakashi wasn't the master of the eye; he couldn't use it at will.
Something sticky with a distinct odor made the way down his clothes.
What...
Naruto grinned smugly when he heard the Uchiha scion scream in fury.
"What'd you do, Naruto?" Kurenai asked, her curiosity piqued. What sanity?
"Well, Sasuke always sulks around a tree when bored, no?" Naruto chuckled. "And Kakashi-sensei always wakes at 09 00 hours in the morning, and after the regular complain Sakura will chuck at him, they'd be on a mission at about 10 20 hours, if baa-chan isn't asleep. Since today is what she dubbed as "Shizune Inspection" day, Shizune-nee will ensure that baa-chan's awake."
Summoning a clone, which promptly henge-ed into a generic-looking girl, Naruto continued to tell his story, while Kurenai stopped with her water bucket antics. And they call him an idiot? This level of strategy is above even most Chuunin!
Not noticing the elevation in status, Naruto sent the clone out on a Ramen run. "And as all D-Ranked missions are more or less rotated consistently, and knowing how much of an ass Kakashi-sensei is, I know they'd be passing by that area since he'd probably choose the shopping mission. And since that stupid Gama Sennin happens to be Kakashi-sensei's idol, he'd most likely stop to make idle chatter with Ero-Sennin."
A phantom pain sprung up, and Naruto massaged his ass. "And since Ero-sennin really fears baa-chan, after kicking me yesterday and not getting me back, he'd most likely be panicking over there. So I had my clones... set things up."
"Set things up?" Kurenai picked up the bucket.
"Set things up." Naruto nodded. "Namely one Kage Bushin and a few buckets of natto." Pausing, Naruto added. "That I filched from the Uchiha manor's storage room, which I must say is rather far from that location, hence a need to set up... The Uchihas are a crazy bunch of coots – who stores natto?"
"Nobody takes care of the manor?" Kurenai asked, walking over to the window cautiously, lest any water hits the floor. The flooring wasn't cheap, thank you very much.
"Well, nobody." Naruto shrugged. "The merchants that owe the Uchiha pay for a Genin team to take care of it annually, but none of the teams really bother. As my team discovered one fine day thanks to Kakashi-sensei."
Grimacing at the thought, Naruto continued. "Sasuke really freaked out – he immediately retreated to his apartment when he heard what we were going to do. So me and Sakura-chan had to clean up, and since Sakura-chan detests dirt, in short, I was the one who cleaned everything."
"So I discovered the natto." Naruto smirked. "And since Sasuke-teme is not Sakura-chan, he gets punished for a dereliction of duty."
"I wasn't aware that you knew such complex words." Kurenai emptied the entire contents of the bucket out of the window, and closed it, leaving a spluttering freshly-awoken Mitarashi Anko on the balcony. Surreptitiously locking the door, Kurenai smirked.
"Hmm, what'd it mean, anyway?" Naruto laughed. "Oh well, it doesn't matter - all that matters is that revenge is a dish best served cold!"
Sasuke scowled. Whoever did this will die a most terrible death...
Iruka woke with a start. The familiar ceiling informed him that it was his house, but when was it so neat? He was pretty sure that homework should be splattering his work table...
Oh right. Hyuuga heir. His 'child'. His brain processes caught up, and catching the significance of the words, Umino Iruka, Chuunin, single, freshly made a father of one, fainted again.
"Hiashi-sama, the Elders demand an..." The messenger was rudely interrupted as said Elders strolled into the room haughtily.
"Hiashi, we've heard that you have handed over Hanabi to some insignificant critter." The Elder at the head spoke.
"I did." Hiashi sipped at his tea calmly, still facing the gardens. "So?"
"This is an outrage!" The Elder snarled. "We demand that you return Hanabi-sama back into our fold and away from the corrupting influence of that plebian!"
"I had no idea that she was your daughter." Hiashi uttered. "And I had no idea the Elders can order me around."
Rising calmly, Hiashi strode forward. "I guess I need to refresh your memories, eh, 'honourable' Elders?"
A smirk tugged at the rigid corners of his mouth. He wasn't a former high A-Ranked-near-but-still-not-S-Ranked Jounin for decoration, and apparently the Elders remembered judging from the rapidness they evicted themselves from the room.
Mitarashi Anko, now awake and dry, sat down in front of Kurenai's table, a plate of dango set in front of her.
Yuuhi Kurenai, now slightly ruffled, sat down in front of her table, a bowl of gyuudon in front of her.
Uzumaki Naruto, now visibly perked up, sat down in front of his sensei's table, five bowls of ramen in front of him.
The other two occupants of the table just stared at him with wide eyes.
"What?" Naruto snapped, unable to take the silence anymore.
"Where does it all go?" Anko muttered. "How are you so thin despite being such a glutton?"
"It's ramen." Naruto shrugged. "Shoyu ramen."
Kurenai was about to comment, but spotting how possessive the young Genin was over the noodles she decided that keeping her comments to herself would be the more sane option.
Anko however didn't possess the same self restraint. "What - I - That... that doesn't matter! Food is food! It has to go somewhere..."
"I dunno." Naruto shrugged. "Ramen."
Jiraiya smirked. A lady's apartment, eh? His apprentice was improving! But to ignore him was criminal. Well, he had a few tricks up his sleeves.
He was about to sneak into the room via the balcony when a torrent of water met his face. Instinctively, he moved to wipe the water off his face, before noticing that the grip he had on the building was gone.
It was apparent that he was going to fall to his death... if he wasn't a Sannin. Summoning a Kage Bushin, he stepped on said clone and propelled himself back onto the wall.
Naruto's inhalation of his noodles was interrupted by a knock on Kurenai's windows.
"Who is it?" Kurenai called out, a kunai already in hand.
"Jiraiya of the Sannin!" With that, the Sannin unlocked the door and made his way into the apartment.
"Oh, Ero-Sennin!" Naruto called out, having finished off the last bowl while Jiraiya made his way in. "What're you doing here?"
"To tell your new sensei some matters, and to deposit your stuff here." Jiraiya threw a scroll at him. "I took everything in your apartment, and by the way, can I express my disappointment in finding none of my literary works in your possesion. Are you or are you not a man? I took the liberty of throwing in a full set of my works, all limited editions and signed by the one and only!"
"What?" Naruto snapped. "What the hell do you think you are doing, Ero-Sennin! And who wants your books anyway..."
"You haven't let him read the scroll yet?" Jiraiya quirked an eyebrow at the Jounin, ignoring the protesting Genin.
"I knew I forgot something." Kurenai giggled, and withdrew a scroll from the coffee table's surface and passed it to the ranting Naruto.
"Interesting Genjutsu seal on a coffee table..." Jiraiya chuckled. "Interested in some Fuuinjutsu lessons? It could aid your Genjutsu -"
"Yes, but not from you." Kurenai shattered his dreams mercilessly. "Knowing you, I'd be violated before I complete my training."
"Why, how your words wound my fragile heart!" Jiraiya grasped his heart mockingly. "Oh, how near I hang to the edge of the precipice of despair!"
"Is he really the Sannin?" Kurenai whispered to Naruto.
"Unfortunately, yes." Naruto sighed theatrically.
"Hey!" Jiraiya snapped.
Iruka jolted awake, the scent of food tickling his senses. Someone's making food for me... Smells like gyuudon.
Then the implications set in. And said Chuunin fainted again.
Hanabi sighed as she looked at her 'father' faint again.
"So for the duration of these two months, I'd be living with her?" Naruto snapped, slamming the scroll on the table.
"Indeed you will be." Jiraiya nodded sagely.
"And instead of thinking about how unfortunate you are, think about me." Kurenai muttered, tapping her feet.
"An unmarried, young, eligible, hot woman with a young, virile man staying together under the same roof?" Jiraiya had a lecherous look on his face, and before Kurenai's kick could reach, leapt from the balcony. "Expect my next book! Kekekeke..."
Naruto silently threw a kunai after the departing Gama Sennin.
Kakashi giggled. He didn't know why, but he felt as if he would have the next fix of Icha Icha even earlier than expected.
Sakura panted. It had been quite an experience going shopping with Sasuke indeed, and she'd make sure to rub it in Ino's face the next time they met. Take that, cha!
Sasuke glared at his giggling sensei. Instead of giggling like a girl, perhaps that waste of space would actually teach him something besides acting like a sissy.
Shopping, given his current status with most Konoha citizens, was an almost impossible experience. It was hard enough to find what he wanted, but even harder to stop those irritating shop keepers from stuffing more items in or giving him discounts with Kakashi giving him a pandering look. If he wasn't Uchiha, he would have sulked. But since he was Uchiha Sasuke, he settled with glaring daggers at Hatake Kakashi.
Apparently Sakura noticed, since she squealed. Kakashi sighed. Not fangirl mode again...
"So... Which room do I use?" Naruto looked at Kurenai expectantly, clutching the scroll containing his worldly possessions in his left hand.
"The living room for now." Kurenai gave a sheepish smile. "I need to clean up the room you would be using first, because apparently Anko has mastered the art of room destruction."
"I could fix it up?" Naruto suggested. "It won't take long."
"Well, you could. I'd be going to get some equipment I'd need first, so your training officially begins after lunch." Kurenai dug in her pockets, and gave him a pair of keys. "The one with the spiral marking is for your room, and the one with the red circle is for the apartment's. Don't lose them, or I'd be forced to punish you."
"Hai hai, go get about your stuff!" Naruto smiled. "Time to do some clean up! TAJUU KAGE BUSHIN!"
Facing his clones, Naruto pointed in the direction of his new room. "Go! My ARMY!"
Kurenai walked to a clothing store whose owner she knew personally. In her hand she clutched measurements of Naruto, which she had taken the night before.
"Kurenai!" The owner smiled. "What'd you want today?"
"Well, firstly, I need a couple of outfits according to these measurements..."
Edit (28 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.