A/N: Sorry it's been so long. Hope I got the sequence of events right. Enjoy!
Parody of the Caribbean: Curse of the Bungled Prose
The Pirates are Back in Town
It's later that night at the Governator's mansion and Elizabeth is in bed reading. Her maid, who obviously doesn't know a thing about bed warmers, put the pan full of hot coals in the bed right where Elizabeth's feet are. Elizabeth winces and makes a note to have her let go in the morning.
Maid: Enjoy your hot coals, Miss. You've had a rough day.
Elizabeth: Yes, I thought the Commodore would propose but I didn't think he'd go that far. Still swimming with that pirate was fun.
Maid: Miss, are you feeling alright? Do you need more coals?
Elizabeth gives her a Look.
Maid: But that Commodore is a smart match at any rate, wouldn't you say?
Elizabeth: Yes indeed, quite a smart match. He's a fine man, but he's a bit pompous, don't you think?
Maid: What about that Will Turner eh? He's…well he's….swoon
Elizabeth: That's enough, you can go already.
The maid curtsies and leaves. Elizabeth looks troubled about her future marriage prospects and decides to fondle the medallion instead.
A rather pointless scene of Will hammering away at his anvil until he senses something strange in the air and has to have a look at an alley cat before continuing.
Then we see a spooky ship with useless sails come into the harbor. Maybe that's what Will was hearing.
Jack sits in prison in the cell next to some pirates who have obviously not gotten the part where the dog doesn't give them the keys.
Jack: It's of great amusement to me that you were ever successful pirates at all.
Pirate Bribing the Dog: Well….you're in prison too, so you can't be any better!
Jack: Amateurs.
Cut to the Commodore and Papa Swann enjoying a lovely evening walk on the battlements and surveying the city they control. That is, it would be lovely if it was for all the blasted Foreshadowing Fog.
Papa Swann: So did Elizabeth say 'yes' yet?
Comm. Norrington: No, not yet but I believe she's warming up to me.
Papa Swann: Well with all the coals the maid puts on her feet I'm sure she'll be very warm soon. This fog is a bit much wouldn't you say?
Comm. Norrington: Yes, I agree. I'll have someone fired for it by morning.
Loud noises are heard in the distance.
Papa Swann: What the blazes is that?
Comm. Norrington: Cannon fire!
He rugby tackles Papa Swann to the ground as the cannon ball explodes right behind them. He immediately jumps back up and runs off to take charge of the situation.
Meanwhile back in Jack's prison cell all the pirates have heard the cannons and are looking hopefully out the cell bars.
Jack: I know those guns. It's the Pearl.
Pirate Previously Seen Bribing the Dog: The Black Pearl? I've heard stories; she's been preying on ships and settlements for near ten years. Never leaves any survivors. I wonder what our chances are.
Jack: No survivors? Well then where do the stories come from I wonder?
The other pirates look perplexed.
Jack: And no mate, you've no chance at all. You don't even have a proper name, see? You're just the Pirate Previously Seen Bribing the Dog.
The Black Pearl is wreaking havoc on Port Royal. Everything is exploding, babies are crying for their mothers, and the pirates have just come ashore in their longboats to start the killing.
Will grabs everything sharp he can get his hands on and charges out to play the hero since he knows the Commodore will not leave the battlements. He kills a pirate wielding bombs with an axe and continues on his way.
The Commodore is doing a wonderful job telling everyone to fire the cannons on the battlements while everyone in his city is raped, pillaged and plundered. The Governator is hanging around, being useless and scared.
Comm. Norrington: Governor, barricade yourself in my office before you knock some one off the battlements, you're far too important to get a lawsuit.
The Governator does not want to comply and he accidentally knocks Mr. Stevens with the cartridges over the battlements.
Comm. Norrington: That's an order.
Two pirates, one short one tall with a wooden eye, make their way with a raiding party to the Governator's mansion. Elizabeth sees them coming and runs to tell the butler not to open the door because there's cannon fire and screaming out there but he doesn't hear her and pays the price by getting shot.
The two pirates, who we will call Pintel (the short one) and Ragetti (the tall one with the wooden eye) point to her and chase her up the stairs and into her room.
The maid is in the room and screams as she enters.
Maid: Miss Swann they've come to kidnap you.
Elizabeth: What?
Maid: You're the only other female in the movie and my contract's just expired. Ta ta!
Elizabeth scowls and runs into the other room just as Pintel and Ragetti break the door down. Pintel gets the bed warmer in the face and Ragetti gets the coals in the face while Elizabeth makes a daring escape. They beat her down the stairs but are distracted by a cannon ball, honestly what kind of pirates get distracted by a cannon ball? She runs into the dining room, locks herself in, and tries to get the ornamental swords off the mantle but they fall off and nearly spear her thousand dollar slippers. As the door breaks open she is no where to be seen.
Pintel: We know you're here poppet. Come out and we promise we won't hurt you wink wink
He sees the carpet near the china cupboard is messed up.
Pintel: The gold calls to us poppet and we know you've got it.
He opens the cupboard.
Elizabeth: Parlay!
Pintel: What?
Elizabeth: Parlay! I've read my pirate books; don't take me for an idiot.
Pintel: I know the code.
Elizabeth: If I want parlay, I get parlay. Do you think I'm the Governator's daughter for nothing? There's perks, I get what ever I want.
They roll their eyes, wooden ones included.
Pintel: Fine, if that's what you really want.
Back to Will, who doesn't have the best of fortune right now, he's being held by a pirate with a boat hook in one hand and an axe in the other.
Pirate With Boat Hook: Say 'good-bye'.
A cannon ball hits a sign over their head. Will ducks and it hits the Pirate With Boat Hook, creating one of the best comic moments in the movie.
Will: Good-bye.
Will turns around to see Elizabeth being carted off by the raiding party that was just at her house and the pirate with the bombs that he axed in the back one scene before. This is totally weird; pirates usually die when you axe them. He drops a bomb at Will's feet, which fizzles out. Will looks very smug until he gets hit over the head with a candle stick by a passing pirate. Night night Will.
A cannon ball smashes into the side of the prison at Fort Charles, Jack dives out of the way just in time. The cannon ball missed his cell and broke the wall of the Pirate Previously Seen Bribing the Dog. They climb out of the hole in the wall laughing at their good fortune.
Pirate Previously Seen Bribing the Dog: Looks like you were wrong mate. And by the way, my name is Dennis. Be seeing you!
Jack: Buggerit.
He picks up the bone from the adjacent cell.
Jack: Here doggy, bring ol' Jack the keys.
The dog gets up, looking at the new idiot who thinks he can get the keys with an old bone. He comes closer to Jack's cell.
Jack: That's it, that's it doggy. Come you flea bitten mongrel, you can't be this dense.
Dog: Excuse me; I'm neither flea bitten nor dense. And next time try prime rib; I don't like moldy old bones.
The dog trots away with its nose in the air just as there is a gunshot and a guard falls down the stairs. He is followed by two pirates, who have done the shooting.
Twigg: He said we weren't on the list; we're always on the list.
Kohler: What are you talking about? This ain't a night club and it definitely ain't the armory.
Twigg: What do you mean it's not a night club? Look there's a cage dancer.
He points at Jack before realizing who he is. Jack wonders why he wanted idiots like this on his crew in the first place.
Kohler: No you idiot, it's Jack Sparrow.
Twigg: Last time I saw you, you was all alone on a godforsaken island, shrinkin' into the distance. His fortunes aren't improved much.
Jack: Yeah, well betrayers and mutineers go to the special hell.
Kohler is pissed. He grabs Jack but the neck through the cell bars. His hand turns skeletal in the moonlight.
Jack: Oh. My. God.
Kohler: You know nothing of hell.
He releases Jack and storms out of the prison with Twigg behind him.
Jack: Well, this just can't get anymore interesting can it?
A convenient puff of smoke from the cannons obscures the moon just as Elizabeth is taken onto the Black Pearl so she doesn't know they're skeletons or whatever. She is definitely creeped out though. She is pulled aboard by the two pirates who caught her and they are confronted by the Bo 'sun, who is not a nice looking guy at all.
Bo 'sun: I didn't know we was taking on captives.
Pintel: Yeah but she said 'Parlay' and she is the only other female in the movie...
Elizabeth: I am here to negotiate—
She is back handed most brutally by the Bo 'sun and holds her face in pain while letting loose such a string of curses that'd make any well worn pirate blush, and many of them do.
Bo 'sun: Uh well, you'll speak when spoken to.
Barbossa: And you'll not harm anyone who says 'Parlay' not to mention swears like a sailor. Impressive, missy.
Elizabeth: Captain Barbossa, I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal.
She might as well have said so in French, cause these pirates don't understand.
Barbossa (clarifying): In stupid please.
Elizabeth: Leave and never come back.
This gets a bunch of laughs.
Barbossa: I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request.
Elizabeth: Durrh...
Barbossa: No.
The pirates laugh again, who's the dummy now?
Elizabeth: Fine.
She marches to the rail, digs the medallion out of her nightgown (not a wise idea in front of this bunch) and holds it over the edge.
Elizabeth: Do as I say or the medallion gets it.
Barbossa (trying to remain calm): Me hold's a bursting with swag, that bit o' shine matters to us?
The crew is freaking out but he ignores them.
Elizabeth: I've seen this ship before. It's what you've been searching for; I saw it eight years ago on the crossing from England.
Barbossa: Oh really?
Elizabeth: Yeah well, I can get something nicer and less spooky so if it's all the same to you...
She lets the chain slip a bit.
The crew of the Black Pearl snaps and surges forward as one.
Crew: OMG NO!
Elizabeth: Oh snap.
Barbossa sighs.
Barbossa: You got a name girl?
Elizabeth: Elizabeth...Turner? I'm a maid in the...Commodore's household.
She thinks she's clever but the crew exchanges looks and whispers of someone called 'Bootstrap'.
Barbossa: And how does a maid come to own a trinket such as that? Family heirloom perhaps?
Elizabeth: I don't steal, I'm a good law abiding citizen.
Barbossa: Okay then, give me it and we'll put your town to our rudder and ne'er return.
Elizabeth considers then hands him the medallion, which is totally stupid, she's got no leverage now.
Elizabeth: Our bargain?
Barbossa nods at the Bo 'sun.
Bo 'sun: Stop firing and prepare to sail.
No one says anything about taking Elizabeth back to her nice warm coal infested bed.
Elizabeth: Hey now, what's all this? You said we had a deal. According to the code...
Barbossa: You never said anything about returning, you're not a pirate, and we practice a free interpretation of the code. Welcome aboard the Black Pearl, Miss Turner.
Elizabeth is dragged off by Pintel and Ragetti. She just got the worst deal ever.