Totally invented an extended family for the Hummels, but I think most people have rather large families when you start extending outward. Like grandparents' parents and their kids and those kids and maybe some of those kids have kids. And then someone gets a brilliant idea to have a family reunion and all of a sudden you have 90 cousins that you've never even heard of. From places you never expected. This chapter has a more subtle Kurt-Burt relationship in it. And kind of shows that Kurt is just as bad at guessing how his daddy feels as his daddy is at guessing him.

Also Kurt totally agrees to look at playboy magazines to keep his cover.

6. Summer 2007 - the time he lied to his extended family

"Cheers!" everyone said as they raised their glasses. Kurt didn't even know most of the people in this room. Aunt Mildred and Uncle Andy had visited once or twice sure but other than that he seriously had no idea who any of these so-called cousins were. Yet here they were. Celebrating someone's fiftieth wedding anniversary. Woo. Wedding anniversaries. Kurt set his water glass on the table and poked at his food.

He'd been stuck with some of the cousins he'd never met or even heard of down at the end of the 'teenager table.' There was a kid table too where the not-yet-teens had been placed. At least he wasn't there. He was the youngest teen in the family and he barely looked his age compared to the other hulking boys next to him. Of course their size was the only thing that gave them away. The nasty jokes they were coming up with made them sound very immature indeed. Some things about dead babies, other things about Hitler, and of course the ever popular rape jokes. Kurt set down his fork and pushed his plate aside. These people were disgusting.

At some point it turned to AIDS jokes. Something about a person with AIDS in a wheelchair being called Rolaids, which was at least generally inoffensive comparatively considering Rolaids was a medicine for heartburn. Then it took a turn for the unbearable. Apparently someone thought they had a real good one. Kurt's eyes focused on his knees.

"Ok, ok," the kid whispered. "There's these three fags, arright? An' they all decide they want to die. You know, kill themselves like all fags do. Well, the first one goes and jumps off a building. Real tall one. Prolly in New York since all fags wind up New York. Or California." Kurt bowed his head. He wanted to ask if they were really related to this guy. At this point if he opened his mouth all of the soda he'd been drinking would come back out. "Took 'em three weeks to scrape him off the ground. Second one jumped in front of a car. Took 'em two months to peel him off the bumper. Then the third one - and this is the gross part - he jumped out of a plane."

"How'd he jump out of a plane?" his brother said as he shoved him.

"I dunno it's not part of the joke!" He shoved back. Kurt scooted his chair over as the two shoved at each other. "Anyway he jumped out of a plane and landed on a flagpole. Took 'em two years to get the smile off of his face." His laughter was loud and revolting. Then he turned and grabbed Kurt by the shoulder and gave him a shake. "Funniest joke I've ever heard!"

"It's about people who killed themselves how is that funny?" Kurt mumbled. He got the joke. That didn't make it any more amusing.

"Aw, fags don't matter, they're all messed up anyway. Seriously, what kind of man would sleep with another man? Not a normal one that's for sure. It's downright disgusting. My dad says they should all go to prison. How can they see a guy and think 'I'd like to tap that,' but see a nice pair of tits and feel nothing? It's not right."

"Hey!" came from across the room. "What're you boys talking about over there?"

"Hot chicks!" the boy responded. Kurt glanced around and caught his father's eyes. He wanted to go home. Now. But Burt had said they wouldn't see these relatives again for a long while and he'd talked all about how he missed his cousin Charles or something like that so Kurt put a big smile on and gave him a huge thumbs up.

"Keep it classy!"

"Sorry Dad!" The guy leaned in to conspire. "I've got some playboy magazines in my truck. Who wants to go out and look at 'em?" Some of the boys smiled, the girls rolled their eyes and walked away. Kurt tried to join them. "Hey hey where you going Kurt? That was your name right?"

"That's my name," he responded. "I wanted to ask my dad something."

"Come on, save it for later. Trust me, these chicks are the hottest you'll ever see, I promise. No one will ever compare. Have you ever even seen a naked lady?" The teen leaned back to look him over. "You don't look it. Once you see your first naked girl you become a man and you don't dress like any man I've ever seen. Y'kinda dress like-"

"I'm not gay." That came out of nowhere, a reflex mostly. Kurt had learned that was how these conversations mostly went. Imply he was less than a man, call him fag or queer, bully him for a while. Not today. He was going to cut them off at the pass.

"Woah there, no one said you were. Hey, come on, let's go have a look see. We'll show you what it means to be a man. Just don't tell your dad. Parents, they don't understand. They like to act like they didn't do this too when they were our age."

"No thanks, I really need to talk to my dad right now."

"Aw, c'mon. There's some real hot blondes."

"Hey don't mess with his head," another scolded. "You know its the brunettes that are really hot."

"Are you crazy?" The boys immediately dissolved into debating if blondes, brunettes, or redheads were hotter. Kurt bit his tongue to keep from adding that the hair didn't matter nearly so much as the eyes. Especially because the eyes on his mind were very deep and very, very male. Definitely not the kind that would be found in Playboy.

His attention drifted over towards the adults. Someone had said something about how disgusting it was that some states were considering letting 'those homos' enter something that even resembled marriage - civil unions. How it wasn't right, how those kinds of relationships destroyed the sanctity of a real one. Why did this topic follow him everywhere? It felt like every time he stepped into a room suddenly it became the all-gay-all-the-time talk show. Maybe he was just hypersensitive. He was just used to hearing it so that was what he was hearing around him. Why couldn't they just talk about the weather like normal strangers though?

"It's sick is what it is. What if they start turning our kids gay?"

"It's not a contagious disease," Burt grumbled at them.

"Well they certainly aren't born that way! It's not natural." Kurt saw his father look right at him. He looked away.

"Can you keep it down? The kids don't need to hear this." The other guys started to settle themselves down. For the good of the kids. Kurt stole another glance at his father. Burt was still watching him. It gave the boy shivers. It was like his dad knew something he wasn't letting on. He was almost grateful when one of the giant teens started poking at his arms.

"What are you, five? Have you even hit puberty?" The kid poked at Kurt's arms and shoulders. "Alright, scratch the playboy run. We're getting my football out and teaching this kid how to play. He needs some muscles on his bones. Seriously, you look like a little girl!"

"I really don't want to play football."

"Keep talking like that and people might think you really are gay. What, do you like dancing and musicals too?" This guy was a cliche. But he was also a relative. Kurt looked to his father one last time. He wasn't going to bring his dad shame. Especially not here.

"No, of course not. And...for your information, I have."

"Have what."

"Seen a naked girl before."

"Oh really?"

"Uh-huh. My girlfriend." He shrugged. They'd never know he didn't have one. They were going back to whatever weird world they'd come from in a few hours. And he and his dad were going back to Lima. They'd never have to meet again, likely as not. "She's real hot."

"Woah-ho! So you're a secret stud?"

"What can I say? They like the innocent boy look. I guess they're fed up with all the bad boys. They want someone who'll look after them. Respect them." Lies lies lies. He was so sick of lying. At least he wasn't entirely lying about the girls liking him. Some girls felt safe talking to him about the most random things. And he had accidentally stumbled in on a girl changing into her choir outfit at the end of last year. While she hadn't been completely naked she also hadn't been completely clothed. He didn't stick around long enough to see who it was but he was more sure than ever that girls just weren't that appealing.

"Ohio girls must be weird."

"Maybe they just want to feel like they matter. Like they aren't going to be judged or treated poorly for who they are."

"Whatever. Now you really sound like a homo."

"I'm not! I'm just repeating what my mom taught me."

"Mama's boy?"

"Mom died years ago." It was manipulative but he'd seen these boys with their own moms. At least there was one thing his family had - they all seemed to care about their parents.

"Oh. Sorry. Eh, let's just go play some football." Kurt bit back a deep groan. He did not want to play football. He had two choices, apparently. Look at naked girls or play football. Which was worse? He reached up to make sure his hair was still in place. It was. He was wearing some of his best clothes today too. Kurt took a deep breath.

"Look, my dad doesn't want me getting my clothes dirty. They're kind of expensive. Besides, as hot as my girl is she's still just my age."

"Playboy it is," the kid's brother hissed as he took Kurt by the shoulders and pushed him towards the door. "We'll show you what real women look like kid." Kurt started building a character in his head. A straight teenage boy who was very into girls, who'd seen his girlfriend naked, and who totally fit in with the guys. This was going to be great acting practice.