Celebwen Telcontar: Another chapter! Yay!
Balrog: And more about Irritant! He's hilarious!
Celebwen Telcontar: Please review! And thanks to WhiteElfElder, who pointed out a mistake. It has been three years, not five, since Anko adopted Harry and Naruto.
"You... your great-grandmother started the Trojan War?" Flitwick squeaked. One of the injured Ravenclaws gasped.
"Ten years of fighting, war, and death, because of your grandma!"
"Well, yeah," Irritant replied. He craned his neck around to look at the bubble before pecking another grape from the bowl and squashing it, sending juice everywhere. One of the Hufflepuffs winced as juice sprayed her face. She wiped her cheek with her sleeve and moved behind a couple burly Ravenclaws. "Also, Granny Eris took a leak in a cup Odysseus was drinking from." A couple students turned pale and the Ravenclaw who was angry at Eris for starting the Trojan War looked repulsed.
"So let me get this straight. The Greek Goddess Eris, Goddess of Discord and Strife, was your great-grandmother. She created the Apple of Discord-"
"You've got it all wrong! Idiots ran the press then and still do today! It wasn't an apple! She sang over Greece when Paris was there."
"Whatever, and after the war, pissed in Odysseus drink. Why?"
"Granny Eris loved Troy. She had been raised there, and Granny Tiamat lived near there all her life."
"And that's how Odysseus got lost?"
"Yep. The only reason he ever got home was Athena."
"Was she a Phoenix, too?" Flitwick asked.
"Right in one, Moneybags! She was a Harmony Phoenix."
"This is not story hour," Pomphrey said after Irritant looked sharply at her and the bubble. "I have an injured patient. Go on, finish your class!"
"Why does he call you 'Moneybags', Professor?" the Ravenclaw knowledgeable in Greek mythology asked.
"I'm part Goblin, and Goblins control our economy. It makes sense to him."
"Of course. I should have known. What does he call Madame Pomphrey?"
"Opium-poppy! My Familiar needs your help!" Irritant squawked, answering the Ravenclaw's question.
"I see."
The man under the bubble moaned slightly. Irritant jumped to the edge of the bed from his perch on the back of a chair, looking intently at the bubble. It would allow noise, aside from the Harmony Phoenix Song, out of it but not allow noise in, so the man probably had no idea where he was or that he wasn't alone. The bubble also canceled out the light, so it would have to be taken down for him to see anything. The Discord Phoenix stepped from foot to foot rapidly, leaving deep tears in the sheets that Pomphrey shook her head over.
"He's back asleep, Irritant," the Mediwitch said. "He only awoke for a second. He's coming out of the coma, though."
"Good. I don't want him to die."
"Obviously not. Just because you're a Discord Phoenix doesn't mean you don't feel anxiety or loss." Pomphrey stroked his feathers after shooting a disinfecting spell at Irritant.
"Hey! Don't do that! It messes up my immune system!" he squawked, beginning to preen himself, undoubtedly spreading germs throughout his feathers. She remembered how many times someone had stroked him right before eating, touching their face, or shaking hands, and shuddered, trying to overcome her gag reflex. He pulled a loose feather out of one of his wings, tossing it on the floor where Pomphrey incinerated it on contact. She could almost smell the sickening stench of rotting meat from the plague pits the Medieval Britons had used as mass graves. "I keep myself from getting anyone sick, California-Opium-Poppy," Irritant said, watching her turn green after burning one of his feathers. "I'm bred. I know! Ooooh, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes! This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends! Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll be singing it forever just because there are 99999 bottles of sake on the wall, 99999 bottles of sake, you take one down, pass it around, 99998 bottles of sake on the wall!" Pomphrey arranged a set of silenced screens around him, to no avail. "999985 bottles of sake on the wall..." She finally stuffed some cotton in her ears to block out the sound. Professor Sprout's earmuffs for the Mandrakes had been very popular for a few days, until everyone found out that they did nothing to block out Irritant's singing. A pair of First Years, Arthur and Molly Weasley's twins, had started a Gryffindor choir, singing bawdy songs in contrast to the repetitive and annoying ones Irritant sang. Peeves found it hilarious, and often farted accompaniment to one or the other.
Finally, after a good four hours, the phoenix got to the end of the sake bottles on the wall. And promptly started counting in the negative.
"I've had enough of that damned bird!" Pomphrey complained at dinner.
"What did our resident headache do now?" McGonagall asked, concentrating on her bangers and mash.
"He's a Discord Phoenix, apparently. Frankly, I'm surprised we're not all dead yet."
"A what?" Dumbledore asked.
"A Discord Phoenix. His father apparently dropped a tear in a well, causing the Medieval outbreak of ysernia pestes!"
"What's that?" Sprout asked, a forkful of brussels sprouts halfway to her mouth.
"Bubonic plague, the Black Death, the Black Plague. What's more, his ancestress sang over Greece, causing Paris to kidnap Helen and start the Trojan War, then urinated in Odysseus' wine, causing him to get hopelessly lost for twenty years! My disinfectant spell compromised his immune system!"
"Did you have to mention this at dinner, Poppy?" Babbling asked, pushing away her plate of haggis. All the professors looked a bit green, aside from Snape, who was listening intently.
"I wonder what Irritant's tears instead of Fawkes' would do to a potion?" he mused aloud. "Or ash, feathers, blood or song!"
"You're sick," Vector commented, holding a napkin to her face.
"I wonder what would happen with Discord Phoenix song instead of Nundu breath in a potion? Irritant!" Snape called. The Discord Phoenix flamed, with black fire instead of Fawkes' red, over the Potions Master.
"Yes, Bruce?"
"Can you help me with some potions later?"
"Hmmm... What's in it for me?" Irritant swooped down, stealing a piece of fruit off of Vector's plate, causing the Arithmancy professor to run from the Great Hall, napkin still pressed tightly to her mouth. The students were now staring at the High Table, all of them silent.
"What would you like?"
"Hmmm... do you have any yew berries?"
"I might be able to find some. Dried or fresh, and with or without the seeds?"
"Fresh, and with the seeds, please! Mmm-mmm!" Irritant launched himself off of the table, causing five of the Professors to hit him with Disinfectant charms. The phoenix croaked in annoyance and flamed off, probably to preen the poison back into his feathers.
A snake slid into the room, lifting its head when it saw Harry. He hissed at it, and it replied in kind until Harry smiled and waved at it. It reared up and tasted the air, hissing more at Harry, who smiled delightedly and hissed back before the snake slid off.
"He's at Oo-kee-a home," Harry translated. Anko sighed, annoyed. Of course Sasuke would return there. It wasn't as if the investigators needed all the space. It wasn't as if they couldn't work around a surly, uncooperative eight-year-old.
"Where's Cottonmouth?" Anko asked.
"Followed him."
"Ah. So that's how the wild snake knew to tell us." Harry nodded and jumped down from Anko's shoulder to follow the new snake.
"Hassa's living here."
"Is Hassa the new snake?"
"Yes." Great, not only was she collecting troubled orphans, she was collecting snakes, both wild and Summoned. At least Manda's temper was improving a great deal, or she would have ended up sacrificing Konoha after the first couple times. Maybe it was just because the Chief Snake liked Harry.
"Harry, I'm going to get Sasuke. Do you want to come?" Her youngest son launched himself back on Anko's shoulder, now holding Coral and Diamondback, Benihime perched on his head.
When Anko, Harry, the snakes and the dog got to the Uchiha compound, the members of ANBU tried to stop them.
"Listen. Hokage-ojii asked me to take the Uchiha gaki in. He ran back here last night. I can't get to him with you idiots blocking the way!" Anko's growl was backed up when Diamondback struck at one of the ANBU's necks, barely missing him. They quickly fell back. Anko smirked and continued into the compound to find Sasuke.
She walked through the bloodstained streets, looking at the apartments and pools of blood where people had died. She licked her lips, enjoying the tangy iron-rich air.
"Anko! You came!" The cry came from the manor house, where she found Cottonmouth curled up on the steps. "He went in and closed the door on me. I couldn't get in anywhere, he even closed the windows."
"Thats okay. Thanks for tracking him for us."
"No problem, Anko." Harry hopped down and picked Cottonmouth up before jumping back onto Anko's shoulder.
"Sasuke-kun! Open the door!" she called.
"Don't call me that! Go away!"
"Sasuke-chan! If you don't open the door, I'll break it down!" Anko called in a sickeningly sweet voice.
"I told you to go away!"
"Hold on, Midori-me-chan," Anko murmured to Harry. He held tighter to her shoulder, and she backed up before rushing the door and kicking it down.
"You bitch!"
"I'm a Mitarashi, not an Inuzuka!" Anko called cheerfully.
"Shut up and go away!" Sasuke snarled in response.
"If you don't come out by the count of five, I'll send in the snakes!"
"Go the fuck away!"
"One!"
"Go. Away!"
"Two!"
"Leave! I'm warning you!"
"Three!"
"I'll sue you! See if I don't!"
"Four!"
"Phoenix Flame Jutsu!"
"Five!" Anko ducked the flying tongues of fire as the snakes raced in. A massive crash was heard as one of the snakes hopefully dodged a bunch of kunai and shuriken. Then, finally, the smoke cleared.
"You can come in, now, Anko," Cottonmouth called. The two humans entered the room, finding Sasuke unconscious with Diamondback lightly curled about his neck.
"He wouldn't stop throwing things at us and he really shouldn't have used the fire indoors. I just choked him long enough to knock him out. He'll be fine." Anko bent and tossed the unconscious Uchiha over her free shoulder with as much finesse as she would use with a sack of potatoes.
When Sasuke woke up, he felt like his head would implode. He sat up, finding himself on a futon in a house not his own.
"Bitch!" he screamed, remembering what had happened.
"Thank you!" Anko called back from somewhere outside the room.
"If you don't stay here, she'll only tie you up," a voice said. Sasuke turned his head to see a deadly-looking pale yellow snake covered in reddish brown splotches that enclosed slightly paler spots. When it opened its mouth to speak, he saw that the mouth was completely white inside. Sasuke screamed in sheer terror.
Celebwen Telcontar: What do you think?
Balrog: Hehe... I like the snakes! Especially Cottonmouth! He's funny! So is the way Harry clings to Anko... it looks like Yachiru and Kenpachi from Bleach!
Celebwen Telcontar: I agree. He's my favorite of the snakes. And please visit my profile, I have a poll up regarding this fic! Please review!