Child Of Darkness
(A/N: It's official. This is the darkest story I can recall ever writing, despite the scenes I throw in to try and break the glum feel.)
Runaway
Entry 1: It's all right, mother. It's almost over. I'm close. So very close. How long have we struggled? How long have we waited? Too long, I know. But it's almost over. I promise.
ES
"For me?!" Mathieu exclaimed in delight, grinning down at the present in his lap. "Lucien, thank you!" He leapt on the man holding him tightly. Lucien held him back, but he seemed distracted. Lucien was distracted a lot lately, Mathieu realized. He sat back down and picked up the beautiful book. It was a diary, he knew. He could write anything in here! Lucien had even given him an eagle feather quill as a pen!
He grinned up at Lucien again, but Lucien looked distant. He was frowning. Mathieu's grin fell. "Lucien, what's wrong?" he asked. Lucien had been really detached lately. He'd seemed quiet when they played, hardly doing much. Sometimes he'd even sharply ordered Mathieu to stop when Mathieu tried to roughhouse with him. Then he left without an explanation and made little Mathieu feel all sad.
Lucien wasn't talking much to anyone either, only Vicente and Arquen. Ungolim seemed to know as well. Ungolim was avoiding him too, and Mathieu didn't know why. Lucien seemed not to be spending as much time with him. That made him saddest of all. What was wrong? Didn't Lucien love him anymore? Lucien seemed to come back down to Earth and he looked at the child blankly. He caught on to the fears quickly enough. After a moment he relaxed and forced a smile, saying, "It's nothing."
"Why are you avoiding me? Why don't you talk to me anymore?" Mathieu asked, looking sadly down.
"Mathieu, I know I've been in another world, recently, but it has nothing to do with you. I promise. It just… it upsets me," he assured, putting his hands gently on the boy's shoulders.
"Why?" Mathieu asked.
Lucien was quiet. Finally he shook his head and answered, "Tonight we'll have a talk, after your bath and story."
"Is it bad?" Mathieu asked fearfully.
Lucien was silent. Finally he replied, "You know how much I love you, my child, and that will never, ever stop. I will love you forever and always."
"Lucien?" Mathieu tightly questioned, sensing something big was about to happen. Lucien smiled and kissed his head.
"Come, let us return to practice," Lucien dictated. Mathieu lit up and quickly hurried to follow.
ES
Mathieu splashed around in the bath, giggling. Lucien splashed him back, grinning. "See how long I can hold my breath!" Mathieu exclaimed.
"All right. Ready, set, go," Lucien prompted. Mathieu went under the water as Lucien timed him. Soon he came up.
"How long?" Mathieu asked.
"Thirty seconds, impressive," Lucien replied. Mathieu grinned.
"Have you ever been sailing Lucien?" Mathieu asked Lucien, pushing around a toy boat.
"Sometimes," Lucien replied.
"I wanna go one day," Mathieu said.
"What else do you want to do?" Lucien asked.
Mathieu looked ponderous then replied, smiling, "I've ridden horses before, but I wanna ride a dragon!"
Lucien laughed. "Perhaps one day you shall," he replied, rinsing the boy's hair off.
"Why do I have to bath so much? No one else bath's every night except you," Mathieu complained.
"You would prefer to go weeks without?" Lucien asked. Mathieu cringed at the thought. Then again, everyone else seemed to manage. Hmm, no, he couldn't do it. Lucien had trained him too well.
"I'm ready to get out," Mathieu declared. Lucien took a towel, looking distant once more. Mathieu, curious, climbed out and took the towel, startling Lucien from whatever he was thinking about. The man smiled at him softly, trying to appear like nothing was wrong. Mathieu knew better, though.
ES
Mathieu listened to Lucien finish the story. He'd begged to stay up a little bit later and Lucien agreed that he would read to him in the main hall by the fireplace instead of in bed. Lucien shut the book and put it away. "You said we had to talk," Mathieu remarked, getting right to the point. He was getting tired and he wanted this done with.
"Yes…" Lucien replied. The man took a deep breath then sighed. He placed the boy on the ground and knelt in front of him. "Mathieu, I'm… going away; to live in a different place, for a while… forever," Lucien said.
"Where are we going?" Mathieu asked curiously.
Lucien cringed and looked down. After a moment he looked back up and said gently, "Not us, child. Me."
Mathieu's eyes widened and he looked suddenly afraid. "You? Wh-why not me?" Mathieu asked.
"Because you need to stay here, in the sanctuary, where you'll be safe," Lucien replied.
"Why?!" Mathieu demanded, getting upset.
"Because it is where you belong, child, and where you train," Lucien replied, feeling increasingly worse.
"But you train me," Mathieu argued.
"And I will continue training you. I just… Will not be around as often anymore," Lucien said, trying to soften the blow; something he knew he should have done earlier.
"You can't leave me, you can't!" Mathieu argued.
"Mathieu, I won't be gone forever, just living in a different place," Lucien argued.
"No! You're not allowed!" Mathieu yelled angrily. "I won't let you, I won't let you!" he begged, tears in his eyes now as he began to cry, falling into Lucien's arms.
"Mathieu, I know that this is sudden, but…" Lucien began.
"Leave me alone!" Mathieu suddenly screamed at him. Lucien was too shocked to know what to do.
"Mathieu, what's come over you? What's wrong?" Lucien demanded, recovering from the shock.
"I hate you! I hate the Brotherhood, I hate Sithis, and I hate the Night Mother! I hate everything and everyone! Nobody cares about me anymore, no one loves me, and now… now you're leaving me too!" he replied, sobbing.
ES
Lucien cursed under his breath. A temper tantrum, just what he needed now. As if guilt wasn't tearing him up enough already. "Mathieu, listen to me. I'm not leaving you! I'll still come here all the time," he pled.
"Why can't I go with you?" he sniffled, wiping a tear away while more came up in its place.
"My son, it's complicated," Lucien lamely defended. How could he explain it to the child?
"No it isn't! You don't care about me! You don't love me anymore! Did I do something wrong, daddy? I'll be good! I'll make it better, I promise!" Mathieu begged.
"No! No, child, no, you've done nothing wrong. Mathieu I do love you. Very much!" Lucien desperately tried to assure. He felt a lump in his throat but forced it away. He wouldn't crack now. He wouldn't break down. "I would do anything for you, anything; but I can't stay here anymore. Believe me, if I could take you with me I would."
"You can! No one argues with you," Mathieu yelled.
"You're arguing right now! My decision is final!" Lucien shouted, finally losing his temper.
ES
Mathieu looked at him in shock as everything went quiet. Suddenly recovering, Mathieu screamed, "I hate you! You wouldn't care if I ran away and never came back!" Angrily Mathieu turned and ran into his room. Lucien looked helplessly after him then sighed deeply. He rose and noticed that his dark siblings had appeared on hearing the argument, and had probably heard most of it too. He cringed at the gazes, ranging from pitying to shocked, and said nothing. Slowly he followed the child and peeked inside the boy's room.
Mathieu was sobbing, curled up under his blankets and clutching his dragon teddy tightly. Lucien watched a moment then went towards him. He gently sat on the boy's bed and stroked his hair lovingly. Mathieu refused to acknowledge him or turn around. Lucien bent down and tenderly kissed the child's head. Rising once more he said, "I love you. So, so much… And I know that you're scared, and I know that you're angry and sad and so many other things that I can't even name… but it's all right. It's all right because I will not leave you for nothing. I will never leave you for nothing. If you call to me, I will answer. I will come. I will protect you with everything I am and everything I have and everything I will come to be. I cannot swear to you that I will always be on time to save you from everything. I will not swear it because I am only a man, Mathieu, not a god. I will come, though. I will always come." He bent and kissed his head again and finished, "I love you." Without another word he walked away, and Mathieu tried to will his sadness to leave.
ES
There was pounding at the door of Fort Farrengut. Lucien frowned and went towards it. He opened the door and saw Vicente looking nervous. Eyes narrowed he said, "I thought I made myself clear."
"Lucien, please, you need to listen," Vicente quickly insisted. "It's Mathieu." Lucien stiffened, now alert.
"What happened?" he quickly demanded, one-hundred different thoughts going through his mind and none of them good.
"He's vanished, run away," Vicente swiftly replied. "Ocheeva went to wake him up this morning, but he was gone. He took his dragon teddy, some of his favorite books, his dagger and some food, then left!"
Lucien inwardly cursed. "Curse that child to Oblivion! No… no, this is all my fault. I knew it was a mistake. Return home, Vicente. I will find that boy if I have to tear up all of Tamriel to do it." Swiftly Lucien ran by him and swung up onto Shadowmere. She whinnied in protest, upset at being disturbed from her grazing. Lucien stroked her gently, though, and whispered some soothing words. Shadowmere nickered and Lucien spurred her into action.
ES
Mathieu hurried through the forest towards the only place he could think of. His home. The place where his mother had been slaughtered. He wanted to see her again, to feel her. Maybe it had all been a dream and mommy was really alive after all. He sniffed and wiped his eyes. She would be cooking over the fire and humming, and she would give him a snack and read to him and sing him songs. She would kiss and hug him and tell him how much she loved him, and Lucien wouldn't have to die because everything would be normal again.
The home came into sight, in ruins. He supposed it should have been a hint that… that mommy wasn't there. But the little boy was growing excited and hopeful. He raced towards it, calling, "Mommy, mommy! Mommy, I'm back! I'm sorry mommy! I'm home now, see!"
He should have guessed when mommy didn't come out in tears and run to him. He reached the door and burst happily in, calling, "Mommy!" His arms were open but no one was coming to him. His grin fell and he stopped beaming. He looked curiously around. "Mommy?" he called again, slowly walking through the house. He smelled something now that made him want to vomit. Decay… He smelled decay. He hurried faster. "Mommy!" he demandingly called.
"Mathieu…" he swore he heard a woman's voice call. "Mathieu…" it echoed again.
"Mommy?" he hopefully asked, walking towards the bedroom.
"Come, child. Come, my guileless son. So alone, so afraid. Come to mother darling, come. Come to mommy," the voice softly cooed.
Mathieu was shaking as he reached for the door knob. "Mommy, where are you?"
"Come, little child, come," the voice replied.
Mathieu swallowed and opened the door, eyes tightly shut. "Mommy?" he asked in a terrified tone, peeking inside.
ES
Lucien raced through Cyrodil desperately. Where could the boy have gone? Where would he have gone? He'd checked everywhere he could think of. Shadowmere was panting. Lucien reigned her in. He racked his memory for any possible hint. An image came to mind and slowly his eyes opened. A little boy, hiding beneath his mother's bed. His lips parted and he immediately kicked Shadowmere into action.
He raced through the forest, horror growing. The boy wouldn't have gone back, he wouldn't. He would never handle it. He broke out into a field and looked into the distance. He saw the house, now a wreck, and paled as a scream pierced the air. He galloped towards the ruin desperately. He had to make it, but part of him knew he was already too late.
ES
Mathieu peered through the dark and made out a figure. "Mommy…" he breathed. "Mommy!" he cried, running towards it. All at once, though, his eyes adjusted and he froze with a blood curdling scream! There in front of him lay his mother's headless body, or what was left of it. Panic crashed around him. He couldn't breathe. No, no, no, no! "Mommy!" he screeched, racing forward. He fell to his knees next to her and burst into tears, screaming and screaming for her to come back, to wake up.
"Mathieu, baby, do not cry. I'm here," her voice soothed.
"No you're not, you're not! Leave me alone! Make the voices leave!" he begged.
"Mathieu, dearest, I am here," she soothed again. Slowly he looked up only to find himself gazing at her severed head, decaying and repulsive, her loving gaze meeting his. Then he lost himself. Then reality began to fade away.
"Mommy?" he asked, crawling toward it and picking it up. "You talk…"
"There, there now, my darling. Mother is here," he swore he heard her coo. "I'm so happy you've finally come back."
He burst into tears and sobbed, "It-it's all right, mother. It's al-almost over. I'm close, so very close. How long have we struggled? How long have we waited? Too long, I know. But it's almost over. I promise."
"Good, good," she soothed.
Her voice was fading. "Mommy, mommy, don't leave me! Mommy!" he screamed. It was gone and he burst into tears.
ES
"Mathieu!" he heard a voice call. Lucien… Lucien… Mathieu gasped and looked back. Quickly he hid his mother's head in his little sack and looked at the door in fear. Lucien appeared in the doorframe and froze, looking pale as he stared at the body in the room. The woman he had murdered so long ago. Not even a burial? Had anyone even realized she was gone? He shook his head at the sorry state of humanity then looked at the boy.
"I-I found this place," Mathieu lied.
Lucien knelt next to the body and replied, "I know." The boy was lying. Mathieu had known about this place, but Lucien played dumb. "I know," he repeated.
Mathieu, tears in his eyes, suddenly burst into sobs, shivering. Someone was there… He was always there, always, always, always, always… He raced into Lucien's arms in misery. This time someone was there to catch him. This time someone was there to weep for him and kiss him and give him snacks and read him stories and tell him how much he loved him and how frightened he'd been that he'd run away. This time someone was there, always, always there, just like he promised. Lucien held him tightly. "A Dark Man killed her, he killed her!" Mathieu insisted.
"Hush, my little one. Do you want her to be given a proper burial?" Lucien asked softly. Mathieu, sniffing, nodded.