So Shiva sex isn't allowed, but the way Brittany keeps touching you, you may have to sneak over to her parents' house to get it on. Currently, you're lying on your sides, facing each other while she kisses you lips and your neck.
You know she's probably trying to make up for lost time, but if you let this go any further, the ban on sex will be broken. After on particularly sensual kiss, you pull away and close your eyes, placing a gently hand on her chest. "Britt, we're not supposed to have sex here."
She pouts for a moment before wrapping you up in her deceptively strong arms. "What counts as sex?"
You sigh and smile at her, placing a hand on her cheek. You let your smile fade as you stroke her cheek with your thumb. "I love you and when we get home, we can have all the sex you want."
She tucks her head under your chin and gives you a squeeze. It's been an emotional night for both of you and you're ready to let it slip away. So you both fall asleep with your hand in her hair and her arms around you.
When you wake up, she's still there, holding you like it's her job. You smile and kiss her lightly on the lips before you start to stretch. Of course, that wakes her up and her sleepy blue eyes look you over. "You okay?"
You smile, "Yeah. I'm gonna go start some coffee okay?"
She smiles back and gives you a slightly off target kiss to the corner of your mouth.
As you're slipping on your shoes by the door, you notice that Rachel and Quinn are missing. Absolutely nothing has moved on their side of the room so you wonder where they've been all night.
After starting the coffee and bumping into Mike as he sleepily walks down the hallway toward the kitchen, you sigh when you get to the bathroom remembering that the bathroom mirror is fogged over so you can't fix your hair. You'll have to wait for Brittany to get up so you can take a shower because without a mirror, your post-shower hair will do crazy things.
So you set off to find Quinn and Rachel. You doubt they're in any of the already crowded bedrooms. Lauren is still snoozing on the couch and Puck is lying on the floor next to the couch. You cross your arms and walk toward the front door, wondering if they're still on the porch.
The screen door creaks when it opens and the thin metal at the bottom of the door rattles when you let it close behind you. You find the porch empty except for an empty coffee mug. There's a car quietly making its way past the crowded street so you look up past the dewy grass. The driver raises a hand to you and you mirror the gesture. You suppose that this house has become the house of mourning. The Shiva house of Lima.
As you turn to walk back inside, a dark place in the bright green grass catches your eye. When you turn back to it, you see that Quinn and Rachel are laying in the front lawn, tangled in each other. You wonder how anyone can sleep outside like that, especially since they're now both covered in a fine layer of dew.
You stay on the front walkway and get as close to them as you can. "Quinn." You call her name softly, hoping not to startle her. "Quinn wake up. Rachel."
Rachel's face that is nestled against the grass starts to twitch. Soon her eyes squint completely before slowly opening. She moves her hands around trying to get her bearings and finds her hands planted on either side of Quinn as she pushes up.
You watch as Quinn slowly starts to move. Rachel looks down at her for a moment before quickly standing up and brushing past you to walk inside.
"Rachel?" Quinn asks, for the first time opening her eyes fully.
"Just me," you step onto the grass and feel the dew on the bottom of your feet. You reach your hand out to Quinn and she takes it, allowing you to pull her up.
You both walk inside together and she heads back to the bedroom. She doesn't say why. You figure she's either going to change, shower or go back to sleep. For a moment, you wonder what she and Rachel were doing in the middle of the lawn, but that's when you see the one person you definitely weren't expecting in the kitchen.
Ms. Pillsbury - Mrs. Schuester... Emma. She's sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea between her hands. Her eyes don't rise much from the table when you very slowly move to pour yourself some coffee and carefully sit across from her.
You want to ask her if she needs anything, but you fear speaking will make her go back into her room and never come out again. So you just sit there and sip your coffee, trying to avoid looking at her.
When she inhales across the table, your eyes automatically find her. Her eyes are set on you when she speaks. "I can see you're uncomfortable. I'm sorry. I'm just...still processing."
You nod, "I understand. Don't worry about it."
There's an awkward lull before she perks up and asks, "How's Brittany?"
You reach up an scratch your head, "I think she went back to sleep. I'm pretty sure Quinn and Rachel are asleep in there too."
She smiles softly at you, "That's not what I meant."
"Oh," you run your thumb over the top of your coffee mug. "She's good. She's still dancing in smaller shows and music videos and stuff, but it's only a matter of time before she's really appreciated for how great she is." You're sure of it. Just a few more weeks and she'll be dancing for a living.
"That's nice," Emma smiles and it's not forced. It's easy. "What about you? How are you Santana?"
You shrug, "I'm just going to school and working."
"I'm glad you went to school," Emma glances down at her cup. "I always knew you were smarter than you led everyone to believe." She grins and looks up at you, "I had a file of your aptitude tests to prove it."
You smile back at her. You remember Ms. P in high school always being the quiet supporter of everyone's dreams. You probably should have gone to see her more.
You're about to speak again when Mike and Rachel walk into the kitchen. They immediately start talking to Ms. Pillsbury and soon Tina, Puck and Lauren join the group. Just as Finn lumbers in, you decide that you're going to step out of the kitchen and sit down on the couch.
You hold your coffee on your knees as you sit on the middle cushion. The front door opens and the Shiva team all walk in. They are carrying food and the little chairs that they bring every morning.
Soon people start spilling out of the kitchen and into the living room. Quinn walks in and sits next to you. She's just sitting there so you decide to strike up a conversation. "A pile of blankets on the floor not good enough for you?"
She quirks an eyebrow at you.
"You slept on the front yard," you state and sip your coffee.
"Oh," she nods and looks down at her knees. "Yeah. Last night Rachel wanted to look at the stars so we laid on the front yard and I guess we fell asleep."
"Is that it?" you know something is up with them. You just don't know exactly what.
She opens her mouth to speak, but Sam and Mercedes walk into the room and sit on the love seat together. She shakes her head and you survey your friend. There is definitely something up.
But before you can all her out on it you feel the cushions behind you dip down. Two arms slip around your waist and pull you back onto a warm body. Brittany drops a kiss on top of your head as you lean back against her.
Sam is holding Mercedes' hand as they sit on the couch. He swallows and looks at Mercedes, "I think it's just really sinking in ya know? Like Mr. Schue is gone and Ms. Pillsbury is alone."
Mercedes nods and kisses Sam. "I can't even imagine what that's like."
You can't imagine not having Brittany and you don't want to even though you came so close to not having her anymore.
As you lean back on her and feel her arms wrapped around you, your thoughts wander to the next five years. What happens if this standstill between you happens again and you're not sitting Shiva? What happens if you fall back into your old patterns with nothing to distract you or remind you how much you mean to each other? You've been together forever and you're so comfortable with her. Maybe too comfortable. So much so that you take her presence for granted.
You feel tears start to accumulate in your eyes. You don't know what you'd do without her. You abruptly stand up. Everyone stops talking and looks at you, but you don't care. You quickly walk out the door with Brittany's long strides easily catching up with you at the far end of the porch.
You lean back in the railing and look up at her through your watery eyes. Worry is etched into her every feature. She walks up to you and pulls you into her arms. "Santana, what's wrong?"
"I can't lose you," you choke into her shoulder. It didn't come out like you wanted it to, but it takes all of your composure not to curl into a ball and just sob. Words just start pouring out of your mouth before you can stop them. "I can change. I'll be whatever you need, just don't leave me. I'll be whoever you want just don't... don't leave me."
It's pathetic and you want to slap yourself, but everything defies logic around Brittany. You can't even look at her when she takes a step back. You can feel her trying to catch your eyes, but you actively avoid it.
"Santana," she softly calls your name and you swallow before finally looking at her. There are tears in her eyes now and you feel guilty.
"I'm sorry," you whisper, but she shakes her head.
"Don't be sorry," she pulls you back into her arms, but keeps enough distance so she can still look at your face, "Why do you think I want you to be someone else?"
"I don't -" You pause and bow your head, "I wasn't working out all that great being me."
"Babe, I love you," Brittany brushes her thumbs against the skin under your shirt. "I love you so much.
More than I've ever loved anyone. I love you. In all your Santana awesomeness." She kisses you, "You are my Santypants. And you always will be ok?"
You nod weakly against her shoulder. Your arms are pressed against your chest between the two of you and she just hugs you tighter.
A few minutes of solitude out on the front porch is all you can ask for. With her arms around you. You just stand there, letting her hold you. But like all great things, it must end. You walk back into the house, hand in hand.
When you walk inside, you're surprised to find Rachel and Finn sitting together in your spot. His arm is across the back of the couch behind her, but she is sitting rigidly in her place, carefully not touching him. You can see Quinn staring at the pair of them across the room in her short Shiva chair. When you walk in she looks up at you, seemingly just as confused as you.
You pull Brittany over to the other side of the room and sit next to Quinn. She keeps looking at Rachel like the smaller girl is a puzzle that she can't quite put together.
After a few hours of accepting mourners, Brittany excuses herself to change her shirt that she's been fidgeting with all morning. She kisses you as she stands and disappears down the hallway.
Between Quinn and Rachel glancing at each other and Emma actually being out of her room, time flies for you. You don't even realize that Brittany's been gone for over half an hour before Artie asks where she is.
So you get up and walk down the hallway. She's probably still tired and you wouldn't be surprised if she fell asleep. The old doorknob is loose in your hand as you turn it, making the noise of old metal on old metal. You place your hand on the door as you slowly push it open.
You expect Brittany to be laying across the blankets, fast asleep, but you find her sitting on the blankets, a small velvet box in her hand. Your heart drops when you see the diamond ring on her left ring finger. She looks up at you as you close the door.
She holds up her left hand for you to see. "It fits."
"How did you know?" you ask, staying close to the door with your back against it.
She shrugs and looks down at her hand, now resting in her lap, "Ms. Pillsbury is still wearing hers. Quinn isn't dating anyone and Rachel's getting a divorce." She slips it off of her finger and looks up at you. "It's beautiful."
You nod. It took you forever to pick out the perfect ring.
"When did you get it?" Brittany asks, her face still frighteningly unreadable to you.
You mumble that it was eight months ago, but you have to repeat yourself because she didn't hear it the first time. You clear your throat and take a deep breath.
"When were you going to ask me?" Brittany looks up from the ring between her forefinger and thumb to catch your eyes.
You decided that honesty is the best policy because of everything that's gone down over the past few days. You lick your lips and slowly blink to delay your answer. "I was going to do it that weekend that we were going up to Seattle for your audition. But when we got there... you weren't really... there all that much." You can see the recognition in her eyes. She went to the audition and then went out with some of the other dancers for lunch. She didn't realize how long she was gone, but you were sitting in your crappy hotel room that you had to work a week of overtime to pay for, waiting for her to come back. When she finally did, you were asleep. She didn't want to wake you so she went out again.
You take a deep breath, "Then I was going to do it on the beach on our anniversary, but I had to work late. And you weren't really around that week after that. Then we didn't really see much of each other. Then I wasn't - I wasn't sure if I even should anymore."
She looks hurt by what you say and you feel bad, but you want to be honest with her. You don't want secrets or lies that will only distance you further. You want to keep her so much it hurts.
"Why did you bring it here?" she brushes her bangs out of her face, her eyes solemn.
You look down at the hardwood floor beneath your feet. "I take it with me everywhere."
"Why?"
"Because," you pause, "Because I was waiting - wishing for the right time. I just wanted you to look at me like you used to." You get choked up because saying all of this out loud makes it so much more real. "One look, just once and I would have asked." You can't stop the tears from rolling down your cheeks at that. It feels like a knife through your heart admitting that out loud. "I want you Brittany. So much. I just...didn't know if you wanted me back. If I asked and you said no... I would have..." You don't really know what you would have done. You'd probably have a complete breakdown. You'd wish every second of your torturous hell that you didn't exist anymore because the one person that you thought loved you the most, didn't.
She seems to know what you mean because as a few rogue tears slip down her face, she nods. She stands up and walks over to you, not hesitating to pull you into her arms. You grip the back of her shirt, trying desperately to hold her to you forever.
"I'm so sorry," she whispers. She only says it once, but with the gravity of a million utterances.
You can't manage words as you choke on your own sob. You just shake your head against her shoulder.
She slowly starts to pull away and you reluctantly let her go. She looks down at the ring still in her hand.
Her shimmering eyes meet yours and she asks, "An engagement is a promise right?"
You nod, searching her face for what she's getting at. She knows what an engagement is. Her sister has been engaged three times already. You both talked a lot about how Rachel and Finn's engagement was idiotic in high school while both giving each other adoring looks and promising the future.
She takes a small step toward you, so that her forehead can rest against yours. "I promise not to forget ever again how much you mean to me." She easily kisses your forehead because of her height advantage. "I promise to never forget to remind you of how much you mean to me." She picks up your left hand and kisses your fingers. "I promise that no matter what happens, I won't forget how much you do for me. You're right Santana. You give me everything and I promise to give you everything I am." She kisses your fingers again and it sparks something in you.
You look into her eyes and she's looking at you like she used to. Like you're her hero and her whole world. Like no one in the world has ever loved anyone as much as she loves you.
"I love you Santana," she kisses you softly on the lips. She nervously flashes a smile before kneeling down in front of you, one knee under her. When you realize what she's doing, you can hardly breathe. Your heart is hammering rhythmically in your chest and your eyes flood with tears. She holds the ring up for you to see and asks. "Will you marry me?"