Okay, I know this is a long time coming but finally it is here. I hope you all like it. I fear there is another chapter which sadly isn't even started so no idea when it will be done but rest assured it will eventually get done because I hate stories that never end. Let me know what you think.
"Come on Jay Jay, you're doing great." She is, she really is. I can't believe we're here, I can't believe that with the next push we will have our little one, our little man. "Come on babe one more push and he's here." As she takes a brief break, I see her smile. She's smiling at me, smiling at what is about to occur and it amazes me, I mean 14hours of labor and she's smiling but then again she is amazing, so yeah not really surprised.
"Okay, one more push and he better be out or he's not going anywhere." She says this laughing but trying hard to be all serious so what do I do, I play along.
"Honey, you know I love this kid, I do, I really do but I do not want him living with us for the rest of our lives so please for the love of god push him out." Kissing her on the forehead, placing my hand on her head, stupid grin plastered on my face, I whisper, "I love you so much you know that right?" I mean I know she does I tell her all the time but come on she is having our baby so I figure you really can't hear it enough.
"I know Em, I love you too. Okay let's do this. Let's finally meet our little man." Bearing down she gives it two more strong pushes and low and behold there's a baby and yup it's a boy and yup he's ours. God I can't believe my eyes, there he is and he is just beautiful, so perfect. I am completely lost at the wonder that is before me when like so many times in my life a single word brings me back to reality. "Em?"
Looking at her with tears in my eyes, I see tears in hers. Both are happy tears I should add. She has this smile from ear to ear and though an exhausted smile it is one full of love and joy and I can feel a stupid grin on my face as well, leaning down giving her a loving kiss, "I love you so much Jennifer, I can't believe it, he's perfect."
"Would you like to cut the umbilical cord?" Turning away from Jay Jay, I am met with the doctor who just brought my son, our son into the world and I said the first thing, okay the only thing that came to mind, "Hell yeah I do." After cutting the cord the nurses as well as the doctors are fussing all over him, doing the usual height, weight and all that important stuff and the whole time all I want is to hold him, to watch Jay Jay hold him and then it happens. My heart drops, my mind races and my world comes to a standstill, because there in the doorway is none other than the sperm donor, himself.
"Jay Jay." Amazing he is. I mean we knew he was there yet he needs to make his presence known verbally. "God he's beautiful." Okay I guess I can't argue with that but way to state the obvious.
"Will, what are you doing here?" She says this looking between me, Will and our boy.
"Jay Jay, I'm sorry." No, No, NO! He better not be doing what I think he is doing. This is my moment, our moment. Jay Jay is my girl, this is my son, this is my life. I know a bit selfish and possessive, so the word 'my' should be replaced with 'our' but I want to be selfish and I want to be possessive so yeah. "I'm sorry, I should have never left, I love you and I want us to be a family, can you maybe give me a second chance, a chance to prove I've changed, to prove this is what I really want."
Shooting straight up from a deep sleep, I can't help but think that, that was the best damn dream until it turned into my worst nightmare. Covered in a light layer of sweat, taking in a few deep breaths looking around I take in my surroundings. This is not my place, not my room and not my bed, when I am reminded by the stirring of the person next to me of the events of last night.
"Em, you okay?" Looking down, I look into those eyes, those damn eyes. Those eyes will be the death of me, it's like she can see into my soul and she is the only one who can breech my walls and unlock my inner compartments. Do I lie or tell the truth. Who am I kidding she will see through a lie so truth it is.
"I just had the best dream ever, which than turned into my worst nightmare." See truth without divulging anything, or so I thought. As I finish, she pushes herself up so we are both now sitting, leaning slightly back on the headboard.
"You wanna tell me about it?" Um, let's see I dreamt you and I were together, you had just delivered our son and then your ex came back into the picture proclaiming his love for you and wanting you back. Yeah the answer would be no, nope, not gonna happen, never in a million years, nope, nope, nope.
"Um, not right now, maybe later." And by later I mean never but whatever. "How'd you sleep?" Let's see if changing the subject gets me out of that situation.
"You want the truth?" I only nod, of course I want the truth, I can handle the truth, just because I only do half-truths doesn't mean I can't handle the truth. When did this become A Few Good Men, 'you can't handle the truth'?
"Not great." And my heart sinks. "Though it was better knowing you were here." And my heart is no longer sunk. "I'm scared, confused, tried, happy, and excited. Did I mentioned confused?"
"I think just maybe you did and I think that's only natural." I say this as I reach for her hand, giving it a squeeze our eyes meet. "Do all those emotions have to do with you being pregnant or do they have to do with what happen last night with Will?" Told you I wouldn't forget that I wouldn't leave without getting the story. Okay I know I did almost leave yesterday but that was because I thought she was sick and this is so not important right now.
"Em, can we please not do this?" Looking at her I want to say sure, we don't have too. But I know her, she needs to, she needs to let it out, to work through it.
"Jay Jay, I know you, I know you better than I know myself and you need to talk about it. If you don't it will just eat at you, maybe I can help you figure things out. I mean I am a great listener plus I'm pretty smart you know Yale and all." Trying to interject some humor, but realizing that there's something holding her back, so I decide to make a deal with the devil and with the devil I mean me and my fears. "Okay I'll make you a deal." Okay I have her attention. "If you tell me what's going on in your head, I'll tell you what's going on in mine." Hoping she can't argue with that, knowing her and I do she won't. Looking at her I see her take a deep breath and then she's out of the bed like a flash and retaking her previous location, can you guess where. Yup the toilet, damn morning sickness. Getting up I head for the bathroom just as the heaving starts and like last night I help her through it.
"Why don't we get the day started, okay Jay Jay?" She looks at me like I'm crazy, just moments ago I am making a deal to talk and now it appears I have forgotten all about it. I haven't. "We should get dressed and by dressed I mean in something comfy cause neither one of us is going anywhere today. I'm gonna get my go bag from my car, oh and I hope I can borrow some sweats and a T-shirt since all I really have is work cloths with me." Not giving her a chance to disagree I head out of her room and out of her house to my car, shaking my head because I can't believe the deal I just made, though she hasn't accepted it, but she will.
Reaching my car I gently, okay not so gently, bang my head against it several times. What the hell are you going to tell her Prentiss? Do I tell her the whole truth or the half-truth and if I opt for the half-truth what does that actually mean. I mean how do you half-truth love and wanting to be with her and raise her kid with her. Not sure you can half-truth that. Will it be that bad to tell her the truth? Not the, I want to have your baby with you but that I have feelings for you. I mean I had planned on telling her all along but that was before the whole being pregnant thing and what will Will's role be. I mean you don't have to be a genius to figure out that whatever transpired between them last night wasn't good or at least didn't end well. I guess it is relative because it could have ended well for me if they broke up and I can't believe I just thought that. Okay I can but I shouldn't have. Oh God what happens if I tell her I love her, she says she loves me and I just end up being her rebound man, woman, whatever. Oh and before you ask, yup I went there. Gathering whatever self-respect I have left which I should say is very little at this point I grab my bag and head back in to face the wrath of the truth. Wish me luck cause I will most definitely need it.
As I enter the house I am met with silence, not a sound to be heard, which causes a slight panic. Why don't I hear anything, I mean the water isn't running indicating a shower, I don't hear the TV or the radio, I don't even hear the hum from the coffee maker, nothing to indicate where Jay Jay is or more importantly what she's thinking. Peeking into the kitchen to make sure she's not in there since it just hit me that coffee and pregnancies don't mix.
Searching the house I finally end up where the day started, Jay Jay's bedroom and sure enough she is still there and in the same clothes I left her in. She's sitting on the edge of the bed just staring straight ahead at the dresser. As I stand their spying on my friend I find I can't move. Looking at her she seems so very lost, so very confused and my heart just breaks. I mean, I have no idea what is going on in her head and for the life of me, my magic powers of profiling and observation have vanished. I mean sure it's obvious that the situation is bothering her but which part I'm not entirely sure, and I now know why cops and more pertinent to this situation FBI Agents shouldn't work cases that involve those close to them, it's because it really does impair one's judgment. Hearing a sigh, I come back to reality only to see her head is now hung and one hand is playing with her necklace and the other on her stomach. However none of that makes me move toward her, I still can't will my legs to move but they eventually do move, when I see tears spring to her eyes. I again take the handful of steps it takes to get to her.
"Jay Jay?" Stating her name as I place a hand on her shoulder and the other I use to lift her chin, I get a reaction from her but not what I expected. I expected her to get up and head for the dresser or the bathroom or to turn away but I did not expect her to apologize to me and to wipe away her tears.
"Em, I'm so sorry for everything that I've put you though today, yesterday, I'm sorry. God I'm such a wreck, I can't stop crying." I heard enough and stop her dead in her rambling tracks by grabbing at her hand that is wiping away the tears.
Kneeling in front of her I proceed to wipe away her tears for her because she shouldn't have to wipe them away, "You have nothing to apologize to me for. You haven't done anything wrong and I haven't done anything for you that you wouldn't have done for me so you will stop apologizing. Understand?" Before she can open her mouth to what I can only assume is apologize once more I interrupt her. "It can be answered with a nod of the head because I know you understand." It is stated forcefully showing I mean business but with what I hope was a light hearted under tone so she knows I'm not mad just making a point. She nods and smiles, so my point of light hearted under tone was picked up on. "Okay, since we cleared that up, let's talk this out, tell me what's going on in that pretty little head of yours and hopefully we can figure everything out."
She still looks unsure but to my surprise and I think hers she starts, "Well," and she stops. I'm still kneeling in front of her and can look her in the eyes which I do and I use my eyes to tell her that she can do this and she will do this. This is meant not only in telling me what is going on but also in the fact that whatever she decides to do she can do.
"He doesn't want it, um the baby, he doesn't want the baby. He um said he isn't ready to be a father and that if I keep the baby than um, than um, well than we were done." Okay, stay calm, staying calm. Breath in, breath out, in and out. Okay how the hell can he not want this? How can he not want my dream, Jay Jay, a baby, being a family, dog, cat and the whole white picket fence? How the hell can he not want that? I know she sees the anger building in me cause let's face it when it comes to anything Jay Jay my compartments always fail me. Opening my mouth to speak, I find it closing as Jay Jay continues.
"Before you say anything, I understand where he is coming from, I really do. I mean before I found out I was pregnant, I would have said I wasn't ready to be a mother. Now, now I'm going to be a mother." That is the exact moment it hits her. I mean slap in the face, kick in the gut kind of hit, because her next statements were said in a higher pitch and slightly in a panic. "Oh my god, Em, I'm going to be a mother." Told ya, just like that it hits her like a ton of bricks and she jumps up and starts pacing the room. "What am I going to do, I mean, I know I am having a baby but can I have this baby, can I bring an innocent child into this world. Into the world of horrors that we see, can I really be a single mom doing this all on my own. What am I going to do about work? I'm going to have to quit, there's no way I can do this job with the traveling and have a baby."
Listening to her ramble about all her fears and what she is planning on giving up, I desperately try to figure out a way to stop her, I need to reassure her but how, I mean I have no idea what she's going through. I guess that's not entirely true, but I was fifteen and I knew what I had to do, if it were to happen now I don't know what I would do. Shaking my head and hopefully the non-helpful thoughts from it as well, I realize she is looking at me with this blank panicky stare. Okay, so busted with other thoughts, now I need useful thoughts. So I decide to go with the truth, it hasn't let me down yet so heh, what the hell. Approaching I pull her in to hug, cause let's face it I love hugging her and it just felt like a hugging moment.
Still in the gentle embrace I whisper in her ear. "You are the strongest, most independent, bravest, most amazing person I have ever met. You do things people say you can't. Once you make up your mind you are unstoppable and for those reason, and so many more you will do this. You will have your little munchkin, and you will remain the kick as communication liaison that has ever existed." I say this with absolutely no doubt because I have no doubt. If anyone can do this, can take on such an undertaking of single mother and ass kicking FBI Agent it I Jennifer Anne Jareau. Looking at her I see wheels starting to turn and I see what begins to lift my worries. I see the beginning of a smile and not just on her lips but in her eyes as well.
As I pull way, releasing her I add for good measure. "Plus you will have the best support system in the world. I mean can you just see the team when you tell them that there will be a little Jareau running around the Bureau. Can you just see Rossi? Grandpa Rossi, you and that kid will need nothing. I mean he does think of you as a daughter and will protect you and your little one like his own. Then there's Reid who will give all kinds of annoying, oh my god agonizingly annoying facts about babies, and single mothers and make you worry and then we will tell him to shut up and everything will be better. Morgan will be such a dotting Uncle. Spoiled this kid will be, but so very able to take care of themselves as well. Hotch, well Hotch may even smile. He knows the joy a child can bring and he will be extremely excited after he does his big brother/boss thing. Oh, and PG, well she will just die, you won't have to worry about a baby sitter because I'm pretty sure she will never let the little one out of her arms let alone her sight, so totally safe there. See it can work, we will make it work. So if you want this, which we have decided, you do, than you can do it, like I said Jennifer you can do anything." There, I laid it out there no more worries right.
"I can do this." Yup, my girl the communication liaison, such an amazing way with words she has and expressing her thoughts with those words breathtaking. "I can do this!" With that said, or actually almost shouted she throws her arms around my neck and whispers in my ear, "What would I do without you?" Wrapping my arms around her waist because well as stated earlier I like hugging her plus she started it this time it would be rude not to return it.
To her question I reply, "Hard to say Jareau, there are so many things you need me for? I'm guessing the world would come to an end." Trying to lighten the mood, the gentle slap on the shoulder as we pull apart reassures me that I did just that. "Though seriously, Jennifer we all love you, I love you and if you need anything, anything at all you know I am here for you, I will always be here for you, no matter what happens, got it?" As she nods her head still smiling but this time from the honesty and sincerity in my voice. Than it happens, that sparkle in her eyes changes, and her smiling lips part and my defenses have betray me and I have been caught. I said those three words that can change lives and I realize they have just changed ours. Sure I said I love you, no big deal right. Oh so very wrong, it wasn't really the three words but the emotion behind them, the way I said them and I am totally kicking myself right now, what the hell do I do? Can I run, can I back track, try and spin it into something else, more importantly, do I want to? However this debate would of ended if given the chance to decide on my own we will never know because I didn't get the chance to decide, she did.
"You love me?" Yup, there we have it. The truth is out there and I have no clue what to do or say so I don't do or say, no I just stand there for a moment, in panic and fear. Panic for being figured out and fear that being there for her no matter what may just be no matter what except for this. "Are you in love with me?" Again no reply, I mean do I need to actually reply with words. I mean the blank, fearful stare should be answer enough right? I guess she takes my silence as a yes because I then get, "For how long?" Hum, interesting yet another question I have no intention of answering, that is until her next statement. "Emily, don't shut me out. You promised, we made a deal!" Damn it I knew that would come back to bit me in the ass, but before I get a chance to make any sort of answer when verbally or otherwise the light bulb in her head turns on the brightest I have seen it and I get "does this mean, it's you? Are you my secret admirer?"
As she says this I can't but think, 'Well I guess it's not so secret any longer.' When to my dismay I realize I didn't think that sentence I actually said it and now I can't take it back, now it is out there and I can never take it back. Biting my lip I figure I have already stepped in it might as well finish it. "Yeah it's me but before you say anything, I don't expect anything from you, nothing in return, not even the reciprocation of feelings." Looking at her I see my greatest feelings arise, I feel my chest tightening, my heart is pounding, by breathing is labored and I swear my world has stopped spinning. I see confusion in her eyes, I see concern, I see what I feel, I see someone who is lost and afraid and I say the only thing that comes to my mind. "You don't do you? You don't feel the same way I do, do you?"
To that I get "I don't, not like that. I'm sorry Em, but."