This chapter. I started and deleted and restarted and deleted again about 5 or 6 times. Hence the delay. The problem is I know where I want the back half of this story to go, but I needed this chapter to get me there. And it was a struggle like I've never really had before. I'm still not convinced this is the best thing I could have produced, but I wanted to get this written and out so I can get a move on with the rest of it.
She leaned against the doorframe, staring at him, lying in bed, eyes closed.
"I can feel you staring at me" he said, voice still thick with sleep, eyes still closed.
"I don't care" she replied. He sat up, covers pooling at his waist. He smiled, reaching his hand out toward her.
"Get back over here." She smiled, walking slowly toward him, reaching her hand out toward his. She could feel the heat coming off of his hand when…
The buzzing of her phone's alarm woke her up. She shot straight up in bed, looking around the darkened space for a moment, running her hands over her face and into her hair. She shoved the covers down, swinging her legs out of bed.
"Get out of my head, asshole" she muttered to herself, pushing herself out of bed for the day.
Fall was descending on the city. She had survived the long, hot summer. How, she's not sure, but she managed. She was just finding a way to co-exist with… basically everything and everyone. The dull ache in her chest. His voice in her head. Working with Peter Stone and seeing a foreign name on that door every time she walked into Hogan Place.
She approached the soccer field, watching Noah and his friends run around at the end of practice. She waved at a couple of the moms and walked over to the edge of the field. Her son, smiling, laughing, being a kid – that was her joy. Her life. She wished he were here to see it, to see him like this, to see a kid living and breathing and having life. Maybe it would help him. She gripped her phone hard in her hand. Nothing. Nothing since the post cards had stopped over the summer. She was angry at first. How dare he reach out and make her think he was finally ready and then just disappear again. She wanted to punch him. Hard. So, she pretended her punching bag was him. She hit hard and she hit for a long time. It was cathartic and it had the added bonus of helping her get back in some shape. Not that she was out of shape, but people had noticed she seemed leaner, stronger.
"I swear, I'm totally coming to that kickboxing place with you next week" Alice said, sliding up next to her. The mom of Noah's best friend could always make her smile.
"I keep telling you any time."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thought I was bringing Noah home for you."
Olivia shrugged. "We got done early and I decided to make a run for it before my phone rang again. So, how has practice…" but she trailed off when a loud string of Spanish erupted from behind her. She whipped around to see a man with dark hair, in a t-shirt and khakis holding a bottle out in front of him. For a moment, she saw him there, screaming at the soda that had just exploded in his hand. But the moment was broken when he turned around, foreign brown eyes catching hers for a moment. He smiled at her and she turned back to the field.
Alice smirked at her. She slid her eyes over to her friend. "What?"
"That's Michael. His son is Drew, the goal keeper. Usually Drew's mom, his ex, is here, but it must be his night for pickup I guess… you wanna…" Alice hooked her thumb over her shoulder and Olivia shook her head.
"Nope. Don't even think about it. I was thrown by the Spanish expletives. I haven't heard that in…" She stopped, not finishing the sentence, just staring off across the field, not really focusing on anything.
"Liv."
"Don't start."
"He's staring at you."
"No."
"Liv, how about just a hi. There's no harm in…"
"Alice. No. We've talked about this."
"I hate seeing you sad."
"Then stop looking. And I'm not sad all the time. Sometimes I'm just really pissed off. Or asleep."
"Liv."
"Alice. I'm surviving, ok. I miss him, I'm probably a little bit in love with him, I'm super mad about that and he's not here for me to yell at and that poor man back there has no desire to deal with the mess that is me. Please don't do anything."
She felt her friend rest her hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry he's not here, Liv. He's a fool."
"Sometimes, but he's also an amazing man who says beautiful things to me, things I can't get out of my head. He's in my head. He told me he was me, but I'm also him. I hope I get to tell him that someday."
"You will."
They watched the team do their final team chant as practice finished up. "Promise me, Alice."
Her friend nodded. "I promise. Better get that smile on. Here comes Noah." And Olivia slapped a smile on her face and turned toward her son as he ran toward her.
"Plans this weekend?" Fin asked as Olivia turned off the light to her office. The other two detectives looked up at her.
"Not really. Noah's last soccer tournament is Saturday. Brunch on Sunday with Lucia. That's about it."
"Sounds like last weekend."
"Don't start with me Fin."
"I'm not, Liv. Just checking in."
"I'm fine. Drop it. Have a good weekend you all." And with that, she was gone.
Amanda glared at him from her desk. "Are you serious?"
Fin shrugged. "What?"
"You know what. You aren't dumb, Fin."
"Look, Amanda, I'm just…"
"Just let her be! All you are going to do by bringing it up is piss her off. And with as much kickboxing as she's been doing over the last few months, she will hand you your ass before you know what happened. Back me up here, Carisi."
"Hell no. I'm not in this."
"Chicken" she shot across at him.
"She's mourning him like he died, Amanda."
"And maybe that's what it feels like to her, Fin! He might as well be. It's not like anyone has heard from him, right?" Fin shook his head and Amanda looked across at her partner, who was staring very intently at his paperwork.
"Carisi?" He glanced up at her. "You've heard from him?"
Carisi sighed. "Once. I got one email. Someone had reached out to him about a job and he forwarded it to me. I didn't even get it right away because the email went to my junk folder. I saw it last week and he sent it like two weeks before that. I replied, asking him how he was and I haven't heard anything."
"You didn't tell her, did you?"
"I'm not suicidal!"
"Why are you two acting like she will fall apart if you tell her he sent you basically a headhunter's email?" Fin yelled at them.
Amanda rolled her eyes at him. "Because she's nursing a broken heart, numbnuts!"
Fin leaned back, giving her a perplexed look. "No, she's not." Amanda just continued to stare at him. "She's…" he trailed off, looking at the ceiling as things suddenly clicked into place in his head. "Well, damn."
"There you go. Way to catch up Fin" Amanda replied, throwing her hands up in the air. "So, maybe drop it. Unless you want your ass kicked by her."
Olivia collapsed into the chair at the kitchen table, reflecting for a moment. She felt like she had just been making fall break plans and now they had finished cleaning up from Thanksgiving dinner at Lucia's. Olivia was glad to have spent the holiday here instead of just with her and Noah in her apartment. It may have been a small party, just her and Noah and Lucia and Rita, but it was a night of food and laughter and just being with others. Distraction helped. Being alone with her thoughts was a bad thing.
"Another glass of wine?" she heard Rita ask her from across the kitchen. Olivia started to decline when Lucia breezed back in.
"Have another, Olivia. Noah is almost asleep on the couch. You two are more than welcome to stay the night." Olivia just shrugged and nodded. She had discovered quickly that Lucia usually got her way.
Rita poured three glasses of the wine and the women all sat at the table together, sipping their wine.
Olivia cleared her throat. "Thank you so much for dinner, Lucia. I can't believe Noah ate that much."
"Growing boys. It's nice to have that in this house again. I have leftovers packed up for you take home tomorrow." And the silence descended on them again as her words hit them all. The empty chair at the table might as well have been a memorial to the missing man. All three of them were feeling it in different ways. Maybe it's why they had all agreed to come together on this day – to be with others who just understood. Carisi and Amanda had both offered but she was glad to be able to decline in lieu of spending the day with Lucia at her home.
Rita growled. "OK. This is some bullshit."
"Rita!"
"Sorry, Lucia, but your son is an asshole. There. It needed to be said and I said it."
"Here here" Olivia said, raising her glass in agreement.
Rita clinked her glass. "He's the one missing out on all this fabulousness. Why are we sitting here all mopey and shit while he's probably reading a book on the beach and sleeping in!?"
"You don't know that's what he's doing" Lucia shot back.
"Do you?" Olivia asked. Lucia slowly shook her head no.
"For all we know he's having a great Thanksgiving dinner with a group of fabulous people while we sit here mourning HIM even though he walked out on all of us!" Rita spit out angrily.
"What do you want to do?" Olivia asked.
"One of my partners has a cabin upstate. I say we get the hell out of this house and this city for Christmas. He usually takes his family south so it will be empty. I say we have a kickass Christmas and we don't let the fact that Rafa refuses to shake himself out of this funk and spend the holidays with the people that love him ruin another holiday. Deal?" Olivia immediately agreed.
They both looked at Lucia. She glanced back and forth between the two younger women and finally sighed. "Ok. Fine. I agree."
"To what?" Rita asked slowly, leaning back in her chair.
"All of it. Christmas at the cabin. That he's an asshole." Lucia calling her only child an asshole made Olivia and Rita laugh hysterically until they were crying. Lucia soon joined in and they were all laughing. Lucia finally started to shush them when she heard Noah stir in the living room.
"Thank you for coming, girls. I think we should make this a tradition." And the three women clinked their glasses together again, agreeing.