Kevin and Charlie's joint 18th birthday party rolled around after Christmas, after everyone returned from break but school hadn't started up yet.
They were both little shits, running around, throwing homemade birthday cake at each other, and getting Jo's dorm completely wrecked. Garth was covered in icing within thirty minutes of them blowing out the candles, and Ash got way too sloshed for 2:00 in the afternoon.
"Ok, I made you two losers a scavenger hunt!"
"Yes!" Charlie jumped to snatch the piece of paper from Jo's outstretched hands. Kevin rested his head against his hands and despondently sipped at his beer in resignation.
"Ash! Garth! We require wheels! Sex shop is stop number one!"
"And the final stop." Dean muttered in Castiel's ear. "What the fuck else can you do when you turn eighteen? If they start watching porn I'm leaving."
"I'll go with you." Castiel agreed. He ducked out of Dean's arms to check the list over Charlie's shoulder, curious.
"Rent porn, buy a vibrator, fake knot, genital shaped food? Ugh. "
"I've had a vibrator since I was old enough to hack Ebay. Please, woman. I truly hope that fake knot is for Kev over there because, hello? Alpha chick. I make my own knots."
"Yeah, I'm not into that." Kevin said warily, eyes wide. "I like my sex toys girl shaped, thanks. And not sex toys. Can I skip this part?"
"Maybe you're buying me a fake knot, huh? Don't question the list, minions. Also, not a chance in hell, Kev." Jo grinned. Kevin decided drinking more was probably his best option for getting through the day.
The sex shop was brightly colored. Castiel had expected it to be dark and ominous, for some reason. The inside was full of things Castiel had never seen before and didn't wish to see again. Dean held tight to his hand, keeping him close.
The lady behind the front desk popped her bubblegum and seemed to be reading an upside-down magazine about tattoos. She didn't look up when they entered, but her sandy haired coworker immediately took note of how young everyone seemed and very politely asked to see their I.D.s. Grumbling, they all dug their wallets out. Charlie was the only one who looked incredibly pleased to present her I.D.
"I'm more legal than your grandma's porn habits." She winked. The boy nodded, blushing faintly, not entirely sure how to deal with her. His nametag read 'Samandriel' and he looked young enough to be carded himself. Castiel felt like he'd seen him before, and the sight of him prompted a strange twinge in his gut.
Dean just nodded in his direction, not bothering to dig his wallet out. Samandriel looked between Castiel and Dean nervously, then decided against asking again. Castiel caught on to his nervous look and hurried to pull his own wallet out. Dean still made no move to do so.
"Meg?" Samandriel muttered to the lady with the magazine, eyes nervously fluttering to Dean. "Customers."
"Yo, Dean-o." The dark-haired woman behind the desk called out without lifting her eyes from her magazine.
"Meg." Dean rubbed the back of his neck.
"You know her?" Castiel asked in a low whisper.
"Yup. Dean here's a regular." Meg finally dropped her magazine to her lap, her lips curled in a sly grin as she took in Castiel. "Didn't you know that, jailbait?"
Castiel slammed his I.D. down on the counter right in front of her, sliding it toward her in a challenge. He hated this girl already.
Charlie looped her arms in Kevin's and Garth's arms and tugged them away, whispering something about avoiding a lover's spat. Jo and Ash seemed to disappear quickly as well.
"Come on, Cas. It doesn't matter." Dean mumbled, pulling at their attached hands.
"19, huh? Kind of a baby face. Dean-o, what are you doing bringing a baby faced little angel like him here? Corrupting his innocence?"
Castiel narrowed his eyes in a glare, shifting to put himself between this horrible girl and his mate. She smelled like alpha. Of course.
"Let's look around, Cas." Dean insisted, tugging on Castiel's hand again. Castiel kept his glare going as Meg raised one eyebrow in amusement.
Castiel wandered through the store, letting Dean lead him and avoiding looking at anything for too long. He kept his hand in Dean's, but it felt clammy.
"Are you really a regular here Dean?" He asked finally. Dean was pretending to be interested in an arrangement of brightly colored butt plugs, but Castiel could smell how nervous Meg had made him.
"Of course not, I came in twice. She's just messing with you. She does that. I think she gets bored."
Castiel was somewhat subdued by that low number, but still irked that Dean hadn't shown him any of his apparent myriad of sex toys. Sure, Castiel had… issues, to put it lightly, but now he felt like Dean was hiding part of himself away. They'd gotten better at sex since that first time — both of them could now make it to the end without crying, much to their relief.
"You've never shown me." Castiel said quietly, staring blankly at a wall full of fake knots. Some inflated when you pressed a button. Some had timers so you couldn't unknot yourself even if you wanted.
"Oh, come on Cas. Don't be like that. It's not a big deal, I just wanted to get you used to normal, non-kinky sex before I sprung my weird stuff on you."
"What kind of weird?" Castiel asked petulantly, earning a look of pure frustration from Dean.
"Look, I'll show you when we get home, ok? Promise. Can we just drop it for now?"
"Can I help you find anything?" Samandriel looked ridiculous, pairing a big welcoming smile and kind eyes with a hat that had the store name, Wiener Hut, printed across the front. His bright red, striped shirt and tie were equally ridiculous. Castiel felt that weird twinge in his gut when he made his presence known.
"Nah, we're good. More here for our friends." Dean explained with an easy wave.
"You're an omega." Castiel said before he could stop himself, finally realizing what that twinge was. "But you're scent blocking like you're at least middle class. What are you doing working here?"
Samandriel flushed, but then he sized up Castiel the same way Castiel had sized him up and relaxed. He glanced nervously at Dean before shrugging.
"Had a falling out with my parents. This is one of the few places that will hire me where I don't have to-"
"Yeah. Right." Castiel nodded quickly in understanding. "But you're passing. Surely you could get a job in an office or something. It wouldn't pay great, but this is high risk. You shouldn't be here if you can afford not to be." Castiel couldn't think of one reason a passing omega would willingly work in a sex shop where horny alphas would be a daily occurrence.
"Scent blocking is expensive. I'm on my last stick." Samandriel shrugged. "I won't be able to afford the good stuff even with an office job, so they'd fire me anyway when I ran out and they realized. I opted for shooting low, but not too low, if you know what I mean?" Samandriel still had something pure and innocent in him, making jokes like that. Castiel hoped he held onto it.
"Right." Castiel muttered. He felt like he was looking at himself, or what he could be, and the world seemed to tilt. On impulse, he pulled a random business card from his wallet and grabbed a fifty-cent penis pen from a rack nearby, scrawling his number down on the back of the card. He handed it to Samandriel.
"Look, I'm not rich, but I can spare an extra stick of pretty decent scent block if you find yourself in a tight spot."
Samandriel took the card from him hesitantly. He smiled, his bright blue eyes lighting up to make him the picture of innocence, penis shirt and all.
"Thank you. I haven't met any other— in a long time."
"I know. Me too." Castiel smiled back. "I'm Castiel."
"Samandriel." He gestured to his nametag. "Obviously," he said with an awkward laugh and looked down, eyes shining. "Well. Let me know if there's anything I can help you with. Just a word of advice? Avoid that corner. It's full of omega fetish stuff, and…yeah. I don't personally like to look at it and I'm guessing you won't either."
"We will. Thanks." Castiel muttered, as Samandriel retreated to the island-like desk in the middle of the store, waving at Castiel as he did like a big, sweet dork.
"You ok?" Dean slung an arm over his shoulder and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Distress was in the air again.
Castiel hummed, drawing closer to Dean. So warm, so safe.
He couldn't help childishly flipping Meg off as they left the store. She quirked her eyebrow in interest and her sly smile spread into an all-out grin.
"See you soon, Clarence." She said loudly as they opened the doors to the outside, Charlie and Kevin both toting bags that Castiel didn't want to look into. "Gotta keep up with that stud alpha of yours."
Castiel never asked Dean why they lived in that little apartment alone, or why they had nowhere else to be for Christmas. Thanksgiving was spent at Jo and Ellen's, but even they visited relatives at Christmas.
Once a month, Dean got a letter in the mail, opened it and then set it down to stare at the counter for several moments. Castiel just knew that it had something to do with why Dean didn't have to pay for Sam's living expenses, and he wanted so badly to ask, but he never did. He knew Dean would tell him sooner or later. He just had to be patient.
School started up again and Castiel was glad for the distraction. He'd shadowed a doctor over the month-long break and volunteered with a free clinic. The doctor put the pieces together eventually, since he was a doctor, after all, and Castiel was a pretty typical omega with his feminine looks. By week two he was dropping hints like, "Are you sure this is the field you want to attempt to go into?" and, "Medicine is tough enough without a lot of personal liability following you around." Castiel wanted to ask him what the fuck he meant by 'personal liability'. Was he liable for the actions of everyone around him because he was born a certain gender? "The world is a tough, unfair place," was all he could get out of him when he, very politely, asked him to clarify.
Dean held him when he felt particularly depressed after returning from shadowing one day.
"He's an old, white, asshole alpha and he thinks like one."
"You will be too someday, Dean. Minus the asshole part. And maybe he's right. Maybe I should just accept my place in life." Castiel curled up tighter in his arms.
"Things are changing, Cas. Sam tells me about new laws they're considering every day. Did you know that Congress is looking at a bill that would allow us to get legally married? It wouldn't be that fucking ownership contract where alphas claim male omegas as goddamn property. They can fucking own multiple male omegas. Legally. How do people not realize how sick that is? How can they not pass it?"
"Dean." Castiel groaned. It was nothing he didn't already know, and it was painful to even think about. Male omegas were barely considered humans from a legal standpoint.
"My point is, we could have a real marriage. We could get married, baby."
"It hasn't been passed yet." Castiel closed his eyes and felt his body go slack. Dean sounded so hopeful, but Castiel knew better than to hope. "And that same Congress is filled with old, white, male alphas with old, white, male alpha beliefs just like this doctor I'm shadowing."
"There's some women in there."
"Barely. And they're all alpha and beta. Omegas never make it that high up, Dean. Just like me. I'm never going to get into medical school." His voice cracked. "It doesn't matter how high I score, they'll never let me in."
"Baby, you're here on a full scholarship. Don't tell me you can't get into medical school, because I don't believe you."
"Because I lied, Dean. I told them I was a beta."
"Then lie to those dicks too and then show them what you're worth. Make them regret ever doubting what you were capable of based on your fucking status." Dean hissed vehemently. "Don't give up, Cas. Not because of this." Castiel sighed. Dean simply didn't know what it was like to feel as though even though you try your best, even if you were the best, you'd never get where you wanted to go. Dean got into college with a GED— if he was an omega, he'd be in a breeding farm right now, where rich men could rent out his uterus for growing their demon spawn.
Dean seemed to think for a moment, his eyebrows twisting in confusion. "You're signed up as an omega at school, though. That Dean of Housing or whatever her title was totally fine with moving you out of the dorms because of it."
"Yeah, I had to give them copies of my driver's license and birth certificate, so I couldn't lie in my application. That's why I didn't apply to better schools, because they rarely let omegas in and I'm pretty sure I have zero chance of a full scholarship at any of them. Even now, if the scholarship committee ever wised up to my omega status and actually communicated with the school I wouldn't be surprised if they took my scholarship away. Then what would I do?"
Dean was quiet.
"Look, they can't. I won't let it happen."
Castiel warmed at the alpha gruff in his voice and the way he nuzzled his neck comfortingly as he said that. There was no possible way he could keep that promise, but he loved him for making it anyway.
Not all of the break was bad. Castiel was on a type of hormone suppressant that could delay his heats for up to four months and then force him to suffer through one massive, week-long heat. He always tried to time his heats so that he didn't have to miss school or anything important. His normal heats were 3 days per month, but he liked to do them all in one chunk since people were less likely to suspect him if he missed a week of his life once in a while instead of once a month. Usually he spent the week of his heat holed up with an ice pack under his ass, while he hallucinated his past abuses and tried desperately not to touch himself, hating himself when he eventually lost the battle with his self-control.
Heat with Dean, though, was indescribable.
It started out with Castiel feeling too embarrassed to talk about it and locking himself in his bedroom with enough food and water stockpiled to last a week. Dean could still smell him under the door, and he charmed his way into the room easily, despite Castiel's determination not to cave to his sly manipulations. When he realized what Castiel was up to, he sent Sammy to stay with Jo for the week.
Dean still had to work, but they had more sex in that week than Castiel had previously thought he was physically capable of. He overcame his aversion to rough sex within the first day. Dean found Castiel's complete loss of control 'totally awesome', and for once, Castiel didn't find himself in a spiral of depression and self-loathing as the week came to a close. He just loved Dean even more. Except now he loved him with his back against the bed, boneless with exhaustion, but still sighing encouragement to Castiel as he rode him to another climax.
Things were good. Excellent, even, for a little while.
Dean began to drink more as school started again. Dean didn't really talk about his feelings— he drank when he was sad and partied when he was happy. It made it easy for Castiel to know what he was feeling, but extremely difficult to approach him about why he was feeling it. He had no idea how to coax something out of someone who so adamantly insisted they didn't want to talk. Instead, he went to Sam for information.
"Oh." Sam leaned against the door heavily when Castiel brought it up. He seemed to deflate where he stood and his hazel eyes lowered with sadness. "It's here already."
"What's here?" Castiel asked quietly, dreading his answer.
"The anniversary of dad's death."
Castiel shuts his mouth before it can fall open. He doesn't know how to ask, but luckily, Sam sighs and continues,
"He was driving Dean to something. Car T-boned them on the ice. Dean made it out with bruises, a broken arm and whiplash in his neck. Dad was— he didn't—. Dean's always blamed himself. Last year… it was the only time I've ever seen Dean get into real trouble. He got arrested for disorderly conduct— I think he got into a fight with a police officer. Ellen had to pick him up from jail."
Castiel has to sit down. This is much worse than he'd thought it would be.
"The checks Dean gets in the mail to pay for you?" Castiel asks.
"Life insurance and Social Security. Dad was in the Air Force, and the military does a pretty good job of covering for you if you die. Dean was never covered since he was eighteen when it happened. He just had to start working right away. He dropped out of high school mere months before he would have gotten his degree."
"Oh, god." Castiel shakes his head. "That's horrible, Sam."
Sam looks at him steadily.
"Life happens."
Sam's asleep when Dean comes home several nights later. Castiel is sitting on the couch reading and he hears him coming up the stairs. It sounds like he's hitting the walls every other step. When Castiel opens the door to see where all the noise is coming from, Dean's standing there, swaying on the spot.
"Cas." He says, lurching forward. Castiel catches him, but only barely. Dean's very solid and bigger than Castiel, but they manage to stay up. Dean stumbles forward, barely making it to the couch in a half-fall, half-walk.
"Oh, Dean." Castiel starts heating up water for ramen. He grabs a glass of water and helps Dean drink. "I hope you don't have to work in the morning because there's no way you'll make it."
"Couldn't help him, Cas. He was just bleeding so much… so much." Castiel's never seen Dean look so utterly lost before. "I tried. I tried to, but it crushed 'im in, Cas."
"Shhhh…" Castiel soothes, pulling Dean's head into his chest and kissing whatever he can reach. "It's ok." He's never seen Dean like this. Usually he doesn't talk about his feelings or his past, unless it's telling anecdotes about pranking Sam or his short, but apparently fun, stint on the wrestling team in high school. He's always so positive and cheerful.
"Why'd I have to do that, Cas? My fault. 's my fault. Didn't mean to. So much blood… then he was just gone."
Castiel holds Dean tighter, completely at a loss as to what to say or do. "Drink some more water."
"Don't leave me, Cas." Dean gasps out as he recoils from the water Castiel holds to his lips, spilling water down his shirt. "Can't be alone again, can't… can't do it. Need you, Cas. Don't leave me." Dean grabs at Castiel's shirt in messy movements. Castiel gently presses his hands to his chest, letting him take purchase of the cloth there.
"I won't leave you, Dean." Castiel says, stricken. "Why would you even say that?"
"I was so alone." Dean rubs the fabric of Castiel's shirt between his fingers, seemingly fascinated with it, scooting closer in a desperate, heated movement. Castiel pulls him back into a tight embrace, kissing the side of his head. "Then you came and everything felt good like it hadn't in forever. You just get it, Cas. You get what it's like when everything goes to complete shit, to have no control over anything."
"Yes." Castiel almost laughed, but it would have been hollow and unhelpful. "But we have to count our blessings. You're here. You're alive. You're in school. Sammy's healthy and on track for his education. We found each other. Maybe if our lives had gone perfectly, you would have gone to a different school, a better school, and we never would have met." Castiel feels like it's true, too. There wasn't a lot that could make him feel like his life was worth it, even the most painful parts of it, but Dean could. He was worth it all.
Dean's eyes are unfocused as Castiel lays his head down on his lap and combs his hand through his hair, trying to soothe some of the distress from his scent.
"You're like the sun." Dean slurs, looking up at Castiel in a dazed sort of way. His voice is a low whisper. "My sun. So bright, can't see anything else. Since I met you, everything just started to revolve around you. I'm like those dumb flowers, they're tall as shit, you know what I'm talking about? They just watch the sun. That's their entire life."
"A sunflower?" Castiel smiles, " And I don't think shit is tall." Apparently Dean waxed poetic with enough alcohol in him.
"See, and you say stuff like that. like the first time I met you, and I thought you were so funny, Cas— and so nice— and you looked at me like I was important— god, the way you look at me, you have no idea…"
"You need to get to bed. We don't want to wake Sam up."
"No." Some semblance of conscientiousness flickers in Dean's eyes and he struggles to sit up, falling back to Castiel's lap twice before Castiel helps him.
"Alright, come on." Castiel slings an arm around Dean's waist and pulls him to his feet. With great difficulty, they manage to sway to Dean's room where Dean collapses into the bed, exhausted with the effort of just getting there. Castiel has no idea how he made it to the apartment door from whatever bar he came from.
Dean mumbles something into the bed as Castiel drags his shoes off his feet.
"What?" Castiel asks.
"He said, 'take care of your brother'. Then he was just gone, I saw him go. Couldn't save him. I tried, but I couldn't."
Dean watched his father die. He was in the car, talking to him, when he died. Castiel stands there, muddy shoe in one hand, and starts to cry.
"No, no baby. No tears." Dean holds his arms out unsteadily, silently begging for Castiel to sink into them. Castiel throws the shoe down and starts on the other. "Leave it, Cas. C'mere."
"You'll get your bed completely wrecked."
"My life is wrecked."
"It's not."
Castiel finally manages to get the other shoe off while Dean's still trying to cajole him into leaving it and cuddling with him. Castiel leaves the room, scrubbing tears from his eyes as he does, and digs a packet of instant ramen out from the cupboard. He fills a bowl with hot water and empties the contents of the packet in the bowl. He stirs it for a few moments, watching the hardened noodles soften and thinking about fire and Dean crying and the man from the inner flap of Dean's wallet telling Dean to take care of his brother.
Castiel grabs an extra blanket out from under the bed and pulls it over Dean and himself. He props Dean up with pillows and makes him eat. Dean watches Castiel with concern because he's still crying like the pathetic mess he is, and tries to put the ramen on the bedside table several times but Castiel won't let him. Castiel makes him eat it all, sipping down water in between gulps. Only when he finishes does Castiel let him kiss him, the overwhelming taste of alcohol and salt filling his mouth. Dean wipes the tears from his face in an uncoordinated gesture. Dean's talking about his dead father and somehow Castiel's the one crying and being comforted.
"Love you. I love you."
"I know." Castiel closes his eyes. He doesn't deserve him. If anyone's the sun in this relationship, it's definitely not him. He's small and insignificant compared to Dean. He's the sunflower, straining to grow as tall as possible, hoping to touch but never really getting close to the burning, beautiful orb that makes up his whole world.