Naomi

I thought it was going to be hard. But not as hard as it turned out to be. Not the 'Me and Emily' bit. That slotted back into place like it had never been broken. No, I mean the million peripheral, inconsequential things that turned out to be very very fucking consequential. Dealing with Goldsmiths was hard, dealing with my own inner doubts about changing my plans was HARDER.

I spoke to the college counsellor and my year tutor. Because I was about 6 weeks in advance of my average, I was told I could take 4 weeks sabbatical to nurse the love of my life back to health. While she was being poked and prodded by the medical team, having her stitches out and dealing with the physical residue of her suicide attempts, I got to have an excruciating meeting with the head psych consultant. He was still really concerned that a small setback would be devastating for Emily. I had to promise, under pain of death, to be absolutely clear with her what my plans were.

He was understandably concerned that if we got back together and then split again, certainly in the short term, Emily might go through with another attempt on her own life, this time successfully. There was no way I could quantify how huge a responsibility that laid on me. I had no doubt that I loved her. None whatsoever. But nothing's forever, is it?

The uncertainties and events that had shattered our love recently weren't foreseen. How the fuck could I propose 'forever' when I didn't even know how to get through the next week?

But I was never going to say no, was I? I even phoned my mum for advice, an event so rare, interstellar transport is more common.

"You already know what you're going to do Naomi" she said unhelpfully.

"I know you love Emily...you know you love Emily...but are you sure SHE knows you love her?"

"What sort of fucked up double speak is that, Mum?" I barked impatiently "I wanted some advice...if I'd wanted psychobabble, the quacks here have reams of it to spare"

My mother being immune to my venom, having been bitten so many times in the past, didn't even pause.

"All you can do is be true to yourself. Taking a short break from Goldsmiths to get Emily back on her feet is a good, honourable thing. Throwing away the whole university dream for a love affair would be a very bad thing. I know this goes against a lifetime of habit...but have you considered actually talking to Emily about things? I seem to remember you getting into this mess in the first place because you ran from her"

She was right, of course, in that totally annoying way mothers are right when you desperately need them not to be.

So I talked to her. I talked to her in the hospital, in between medical treatments. I talked to her in the consultants waiting room when we were waiting for him to discharge her into my care...yeah, you heard that right, my fucking care. She couldn't go home...after a single encounter with the monster formerly known as Jenna Fitch...we both instinctively knew that wasn't a goer. If Jenna hated me before, she loathed me now. It was all my fault, of course. Emily being gay...Emily being rebellious...Emily having a tiny birthmark on the inside of her thigh (OK, I made that one up) But mainly Emily trying to off herself twice...that was definitely my fault according to the Queen Fitch Bitch

Jenna actually got physically ejected from the hospital the day she came to visit and found me by Emily's bedside. First she cracked me a good one across the mouth just for being there, which hurt like a bitch...then she had to be dragged kicking and screaming out of the ward for calling down fire and brimstone on me for 'corrupting' her precious daughter. Sadly for her, my own mum was just coming up the corridor to see Emily. One look at my bruised and bloodied face and my mum was back out of the room on a mission.

I heard a sharp smack, then a yell of pain...tainted with a Scottish accent, and I allowed myself a small smirk, quickly smothered in case Emily saw it...because I knew my mum had meted out a small measure of revenge on my behalf. My mum always comes across as a dippy hippy chick, but I remember when the guy next door tried to get me (unsuccessfully) to show him my juvenile tits in the woods when I was 12. My mum had to be hauled off him by two burly coppers. She's not to be messed with when her offspring is threatened.

Anyway. I got Emily back to our house in Alfred Road, and my mum did her usual earth mother bit for both of us. She was just about to go over to Ireland with Kieran, visiting his relatives (he has about 10,000) so we were going to have the place to ourselves for a couple of weeks.

I got back to studying, in between cooking Emily meals (OK...phoning takeaways) and generally spoiling her. She certainly wasn't herself yet, but as I pretty much abstained completely from booze and cigarettes for the duration, and the only drugs in the house were Paracetamol, gradually some colour came back into her cheeks, and I saw the old Emily emerging from the broken chrysalis she had been entombed in.

A week after she moved in...things got better...well, in one way at least. Although we had been sleeping together...we hadn't been sleeping together. I didn't know about her, but it was as frustrating as hell for me. She slept in one of my old tees, as she always had done, and I kept my knickers and tee on...which wasn't my normal style at all. I'd slept naked since I was 13, and I missed the freedom. But I did it because we had an uncomfortable habit of waking up entwined. Legs, arms and once at least...with her hands cupping my tits from behind. I think she was asleep, but waking up with Emily Fitch thumbing my nipples was far too pleasant. I jumped out of bed and had an entirely unwelcome cold shower. It wasn't my last.

It came to a head on the Sunday after she got out of hospital. It was about 9 in the morning, and every other time I had woken up, semi naked or otherwise, with Ems in my bed on Sundays, it had always resulted in at least an hours exhausting sex.

So this morning, I woke first. She was on her back, breathing slowly. God, she looked so beautiful, lying there. She had thrown the duvet off herself in the night, and the tee had ridden up above her knickers. One leg was up and slightly bent, so I could see the crease of her sex in the tight, white cotton of her knickers. My mouth went dry as my mind went into overload at the possibilities her body promised. I knew every single inch of it, but it still gave me goosebumps.

I just didn't know if she was ready for real sex yet. We'd kissed and groped a lot that week, but I always stopped before it got too heated. Apart from the physical state of her body, I was worried that making love to her would trigger memories of club toilets and anonymous fucks with randoms. Oh, and of course, my usual cowardice came into it...

So I sighed and braced myself for yet another freezing shower. I pulled my arm out from under pillow and sat up, before easing my legs out of bed. I'd just straightened up, turning away towards the bathroom, when a husky voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Naomi?" she said softly

I spun round, trying not to look too surprised

"Don't you fancy me anymore" she said

I just stared at her.

"Of course I do..." I said quickly "Its just...you know...I want you to be well before you worry about that..."

I stopped because she was looking at me with that patented raised Fitch eyebrow.

"Do you want me to show you how well I am" she smiled.

I nodded and sat down heavily on the end of the bed. My fucking legs were trembling.

She threw the rest of the duvet off her legs and smiled at me.

"I want this...she whispered " More than anything in the world"

With that, she plumped a pillow up under her head and pulled her tee up above her waist. My mouth went even drier.

She started to stroke her own thighs slowly and my eyes followed her hands in awe. Watching Emily get herself off had always been one of my favourite activities, but after weeks of self imposed abstinence, this was going to be epic.

"You can watch, Naomi..." she said hoarsely, "or you can join in...but why don't you just enjoy the show for a while?"

I nodded like one of those stupid fake dogs people put on the parcel shelf of their cars. I had all sorts of reasons queuing up in my mind why this was a bad idea. She wasn't well enough...It was too soon...maybe we should wait another week. But the sight of those brown eyes almost black with desire froze them in my throat.

She parted her legs slightly and moistened her lips with a quick, pink tongue. The twinge I got between my legs seeing that made me shudder, and she saw that too. Her eyes widened. We both knew what that tongue could do.

"You've always been able to make me wet" she whispered "Even before we were together. Sometimes, in class, I had to go to the nurses station and...take care of myself...just because you bit your lip, or I caught a glimpse of the way your breasts moved under your top"

I bit my lip unconsciously, and she groaned... reaching up to cup a small breast.

"Still making me wet..." she hissed.

"Me too..." I said, my eyes fixed on her hands. The other one had started to draw a light line up the crease in her white briefs and I realised the line was now damp with excitement.

"Christ, Emily" I groaned "If you knew what this is doing to me...did you really finger yourself over me...even then?"

"Oh yeah" she moaned "Lots of times. I didn't need the internet. One bounce of Naomi Campbells boobs and I was away"

My mouth hung open. She'd looked so innocent and sweet in those days...all hair bows and pinafore dresses. The thought of her, locked in the nurses station, dress hiked up round her waist, diddling herself over me was...mind blowing.

"Fuck Emily" I gasped..."I wish I'd known...I'd have fucking loved to see that"

"Perv..." she giggled. "I think I still have that blue button dress...would you like to see me with my hands in my knickers, getting off for you in that?"

I groaned again...its lucky we were almost the same age...I'd get locked up for thinking what I was thinking then if I'd been any older.

"I'm watching you now Ems" I said through gritted teeth, "and its just as exciting...don't stop babe...I'm so hot for you right now"

"Oh...I'm not stopping...at least till you lose it...and stop treating me like a china doll. I won't break...but I will bend a lot...you just have to press me in the right places"

Her breathing got shorter and she lost patience with the underwear and top...tugging them off roughly and tossing them aside. Now when she relaxed back onto the pillow, I could see the neat little black triangle between her legs...and then I heard the first small liquid sound as her finger penetrated... This time, when she moaned, her legs opened wider and I swallowed hard. Jesus, I could almost taste her...that indefinable, sweet Emily taste...tart but syrupy...totally addictive.

"Take your clothes off" she ordered, and I stripped the tee off before tugging my girl shorts down and throwing them aside. I sat back on the bed cross legged and stared hungrily at Emily, who was now naked too and circling her clit while still cupping and squeezing her petite breasts. It was a sight that could give a dead man a hard on...although I hoped to God no man would ever get to see it...or woman for that matter.

Her fingers got faster, and the wet sounds were driving me crazy.

"Touch yourself baby...I want to watch you too" she groaned. I was a bit shyer than Ems about doing that in front of her...even when we'd been together at first...I'd needed persuading, but I didn't hesitate this time. Her body was stunning, especially when she was touching herself, so my own fingers found my wetness immediately.

We stared at each other in fascination. Her eyes on my fingers, mine on hers. I knew I wouldn't take long...weeks without getting off were guaranteeing that, but it didn't look like she would be far behind me. Our fingers worked together, mirroring our mounting excitement. No finesse any more, just rough circles...Emily's other hand moving down to push straight fingers inside her...she'd always loved deep penetration just before she came.

"Fuck Ems...I'm there..." I gasped..."I need to uh...taste you"

She knew straight away what I wanted and nodded, even as I moved forwards. Her clit must have been singing...right on the verge of sending that last, high voltage signal to her brain...but as always...she let me have my way with her.

I lurched forward, stopping my frantic circles and covered her sex with my mouth. She felt incredible. Wet, open and heated. My fingers slid inside her...all three stiff and thrusting quickly. I sucked on her super-sensitive clit hard, and her hips came off the bed so she was arched up, quivering. I hummed in delight as her fingers tore at my hair. She was hurting me...but it was a good hurt this time.

"Oh baby...I'm coming!" She screamed, her hips rocking against my movements. I was almost ecstatic, despite the fact that I'd stopped stimulating myself seconds ago. I was high on Emily's joy. She moaned, she trembled and she swore like a sailor...and I loved every fucking second of it. When she tried to push my mouth away, too sensitive for even the softness of my tongue, I growled like a lioness with prey and clawed at her thighs possessively. Instead, I slowed my licking, avoiding the swollen bud between my lips and tracing patterns round it instead...

She writhed and bucked as I built her up again. Five minutes passed and her protests faded. Soon she was holding my head in both hands, rocking gently against my mouth.

I lifted off her just once to speak

"Again..." I murmured "I'm gonna make you come again"

She whimpered in surrender and her hands fell away, moving above her head to grip the rail of the headboard.

I know it wasn't a question, but I slowed to a slow mouthing until she cried out in frustration.

"Please?" she keened "Don't tease baby"

I wasn't about to, and increased the pace...Soon she was rolling those perfect hips, increasing the pressure of my tongue on her clit. Her moans and gasps filled the room, and I was grateful for my mothers absence. Emily was always a screamer, and more than once, when I'd been 'entertaining her' after college, I had heard the front door slam as my mum had beat a hasty retreat from the verbal pyrotechnics upstairs.

Soon enough, she was thrashing and groaning her way through another explosive orgasm. This time I let her subside slowly, just kissing and nipping the inside of her smooth thighs as her breathing returned to normal.

I worked my way up her body, a kiss here, a light bite there, until I was lying over her, nuzzling her neck.

"No one...fucking NO ONE can make me feel like that" she said quietly, and looking up, I could see her eyes fill with tears "Please believe that Naoms...I never want to be anywhere but with you from now on...promise?"

"I promise" I said quietly "There's never been anyone else to compare to you either...I love you baby...OK?"

She nodded silently and I reached up to brush the tears away.

"But I think I'm in orgasm deficit here hun..I think you need to whisper a few more schoolgirl confessions in my ear...while you're...fucking my brains... out"

She laughed huskily and spun me round, till I was underneath her.

"Oh yeah..." she breathed in my ear, making me shiver "Oh fuck yeah,..I have a lot of confessions to make...I was a VERY naughty girl when I was 16...do you remember the time we went swimming with Effy and Katie and we did topless dares?"

I did...and the thought of what Emily was going to confess made me tighten on her probing fingers...this wasn't going to take long...at least not the first time...

XXX

When we were lying together, sated...happy...Emily cried a little. I thought it was just relief and happiness, but she turned towards me and whispered.

"I love you..."

"I know" I interrupted "I love you too...and we're gonna make this thing work now...just concentrate on getting better...everything else will work out. I know it"

"Its not that Naoms" she said quietly, and I knew there was more to this conversation than a simple declaration of love. Suddenly that cold feeling was back in the pit of my stomach.

"Then what?" I said sharply...surely she wouldn't be having second thoughts now...after all we'd been through?

"I did some things...things I was ashamed of...when we were apart...I need to tell you about them...I don't want you to find out from anyone else?"

My mind was singing with apprehension, but I made myself say the words.

"What things?"

"I was raped" she said flatly...and I nearly passed out with shock

"Raped?" I said dumbly "But thats fucked up...why didn't you go to the police or something...and anyway, thats not something you should be ashamed of...its something that happened to you"

My head was singing now, and I honestly didn't know what to say...raped? I had no way of processing this. Emily's gay...even before she met me...she doesn't do cock...so how would she...when would she? I stuttered just one word.

"How?"

Her eyes were full of fat tears again, and I hated the way my heart was pounding at the same time as my over analytical brain was trying to make sense of what she's just said.

"It was my fault" she said simply "My fault"

"Fuck off Ems" I spat..."No one is to blame but the fucker who did it to you...who was it...do we know him?"

She shook her head sadly.

"No...and I'm not going to tell you who it was...it wasn't anyone we know. But it was the reason..well one of the reasons I tried to...you know..this time"

I shook my head to clear it, but it didn't work. All sorts of possibilities, scenarios and horrific images were tumbling round my brain. Emily...raped... were the only words that repeated again and again.

"I need to tell you Naomi" she said, lip trembling and cheeks streaked with tears. "I need to tell you because you need to know how low I was when you left...low enough to let myself be used by other people"

If I had felt guilty before, it was nothing to what I felt now. Raped...used...Emily.

"OK" I said in a hushed voice..."I don't know how I'm gonna react...but if you need to tell me...I'll listen. I love you Emily"

She nodded in gratitude and pulled her tee back on. I did the same. It didn't seem right talking about stuff like this naked. I needed the thin moral protection of clothing. I sat up and watched as she did the same. We sat side by side, not looking at each other as she started.

"I was on a night out...one of a long, long list of nights out. Half bottle of vodka, two spliffs and an E tab...just to get me started. Couple of beers in the pub with Katie, before she fucked off with some guy. Usual stuff"

Jesus, half a bottle, weed and E's just to get out of the door...she had really been caning it.

"You already know about the randoms...and I'm not gonna say any more about that...it was as if I was deadening the pain, letting them use me...but this night was different...very different..."

Emily

The lights were dazzling. The cocktails on top of the vodka would have usually floored me, even with my new tolerance to industrial quantities of booze, but one of the randoms I'd finger fucked in a toilet at another club obviously fancied another go on me. She sidled up to me when I was ordering another margarita and slipped a packet in my hand.

"Special Brew" she winked "Fucks your head completely and sets your cunt on fire...just the job" she leered "I'll come back in 15 minutes, when you're rushing...the toilets in here are big enough to screw properly in babe"

I looked at her uncertainly. I couldn't even remember her face. They were just a succession of hopeful, available girls with busy fingers nowadays. I vaguely remembered that this one had insisted on going down on me..which wasn't strictly necessary, especially in view of the damp toilet floor, but fuck it, I needed drugs, and she was offering.

I made a side trip to the ladies room and snorted a good line of grey white powder up my nostril. The buzz hit immediately. My teeth started to grind, my neck muscles tightened and I felt a butterfly sensation in the pit of my stomach. Fuck, this was good stuff.

Ten minutes later, I was flying. The colours of the spinning light ball on the ceiling were rippling, bending and curving all around. I could see a few amused faces round me. Not everyone had the benefit of this chemical enhancement to their night out, but most of the clubbers knew I was as high as a human being could get.

Suddenly there were arms around me from the back...feminine arms, so I relaxed into them. A knee pressed between my legs and a sly hand came round to cup one of my tits. I didn't have a bra on tonight, just a tight black singlet top, so the sensations her hand produced, squeezing and thumbing me, gave me a jolt of pure desire. The random had been right, I was gonna get fucked tonight..and by the feeling of the continuing rush, I hadn't even reached the plateau yet. I ground my arse back into her crotch and she chuckled dirtily in my ear.

"Oh yeah" she said hotly "I'm gonna get you naked tonight babe"

I shivered. Getting naked with a stranger wasn't something I normally did this easily. A grope, hot open mouthed kisses and thong pushed aside for busy fingers, that was usually enough. With enough MDMA in me, I was easy to get off.

Then there was a guy in front of me, looking lustfully at the girl and me grinding together.

"Get lost, loser" I slurred "I've pulled..."

He just grinned and then reached past me to stroke the girls face. I hadn't even seen her yet, so I turned my head to see her reaction.

She leaned into me harder and pinched my nipple hard...which made my cunt clench even more...

"Don't be unfriendly" she whispered into my ear "That's only Josh..he's OK"

"I'm gay" I said stupidly. I don't suppose she needed that pearl of wisdom, after what she'd been doing to me for five minutes.

"Thats cool" she said brightly ""I'm bi...and I want to take you home with me"

That bit I could live with. She was very pretty in a pale, goth kind of way. Big tits...I had felt them in my back, and a pretty, if narrow face framed with black hair. If it had been any other night, I would have shaken my head at her suggestion about getting naked, grabbed her hand and taken her into the toilets and...taken her.

But tonight, the super strength powder had fucked with my reason. I was still rushing like mad and every touch she placed on my bare arms and neck lit another fire inside me. I wanted sex...simple as that...and she was offering it.

"Josh will give us a lift...won't you babe" she drawled, looking at the tall skinny guy opposite us.

So fifteen minutes later, we're all stumbling in through the door of a basement flat in St Pauls.

Five minutes after that, with Josh fuck knows where, I'm half naked on a double bed with Jessie (she told me her name on the way over here) tearing the rest of each others clothes off. I was right about the tits...really big for her frame, and with my super heightened libido, I was having a field day playing with them. I sucked and I licked and she reciprocated. I found myself on my back, with Jessie between my legs, head down, busy tongue deep inside me. My first orgasm shook my body hard, making my fucking teeth rattle. But still the MDMA kept coming. The alcohol had completely worn off, I was just riding high on pure chemical euphoria. I'd never taken anything this powerful.

When I came down from my climax, I flipped her over and kissed my way down her body. She tasted good...hot and wet, and the moans she started making showed me that being fucked on drugs hadn't affected my technique. I wanted to make her come, and she did.

Ten minutes later, with just the faint glow from the pink table lamp illuminating the room we were just laying there, idly stroking each other. I was almost ready for round three, and she was stealing sideways glances at me which said she wouldn't say no. We turned to each other and started kissing.

When I first felt the weight of someone else on the bed, I tried to turn back to see who it was, but Jessie gripped me in her arms and stopped me.

"Shhh" she said, kissing my neck and sending another volley of lust through my synapses. I shuddered, but the ecstasy was overpowering, I needed her to keep touching me...

The first I knew that Josh was the visitor was when I felt his hands parting my thighs. I knew who it was straight away, but I couldn't seem to make my limbs obey the tiny part of my brain that was resisting.

"N...No..." I stuttered "I'm gay...I don't want...no"

Again Jessie shushed me

"Quiet baby" she laughed "Josh needs to get his reward for just watching us up to now...don't you babe?"

I heard a grunt behind me and then the shocking invasion of his thick fingers inside me. I was so wet from Jessie, they slid right in.

"Don't...please Josh" I begged, but the two of them chuckled darkly at me feeble attempts to prevent him putting himself inside me.

When his cock replaced his fingers, I cried out in pain. He was much bigger than JJ had been...much bigger than the dildos Naomi and I had experimented briefly with... thicker too. I writhed in Jessie's arms, but she held on tight. I realised that I was helpless. He was going to fuck me, and she was helping him.

Another rush of MDMA shook my body, and I relaxed...I couldn't fight them both..it was hopeless. I let him bury himself completely in me.

"That's my girl" Jessie smirked "Just let him do his thing...he's quite good at it actually...been fucking me for months, haven't you babe?"

The man behind us grunted in agreement and began to pump in and out of me. He gripped my hips for purchase and started to hump me hard. Jessie sucked my neck and fingered me while he did it. I wish I could say my body didn't respond...but the MDMA was still overwhelming. I hated what he was doing, but with both of them going at me, I could hear my own moans and gasps encouraging them, I didn't mean to...but my body wasn't listening.

When he'd had his fill of fucking me from behind, they flipped me over onto my back and he moved between my legs and reinserted himself roughly. Jessie laid beside me, playing with my tits and kissing my neck while he pounded me. I didn't come...even with the added stimulus of the chemicals, but after he'd gasped and pulled out of me, I felt warm wetness splatter across my chest and neck. I guess he got his satisfaction anyway.

They stood by the bed as I laid there, stunned by what had happened to me, then I heard the click and flash of a phone camera. I tried to roll over, to cover up, but it was too late.

"Time to go little red" Jessie said coolly as I hugged myself defensively "Fun's over. There's a cab rank half a mile away. Your clothes are on the floor.

With that, they left the room and I could hear them laughing in the next room. I dressed silently, wiping myself clean with my own underwear. Walking through the lounge, they never even looked up...just sat side by side on the tatty couch, skinning up a spliff. I felt like the lowest form of prostitute.

It took me a while to get home...I was the wrong side of the city, and the cab took ages, but it didn't matter, I was numb. When I got in, I showered for nearly an hour, but I never felt clean.

The next day, I bought a litre bottle of vodka, and stole my mothers supply of sleeping tablets. I went to the park and took them all.

XXX

When Emily had finished I had tears in my eyes too. I just hugged her as she shook and cried. Christ...how was I ever gonna put her back together again after this fuckery?