Hello again bronies! FYI I now have a forum thread on uk-equestria where I can notify you on stuff happening rather than in authors notes.
BRO HOOF!
YEAH... if your still reading this and your under-age nothing I write will stop you... SO ON TO THE STORY
"Ruby..." I said again. It was her, I knew. The yellow eyes looked back... "Who are you? And how do you know my name?" my gut clenched at the words, she didn't know me... she didn't know.
Tears filled my eyes. "Ruby, sweet...it's me" But deep down, I realised... this wasn't her. This was my torment... my punishment, to see her. But never be able to love her. Anger flared within me, then died. I couldn't speak… I couldn't. Even as the eyes big and bright slowly disappeared I just looked on. At my daughter, who didn't know who I was; her own father.
I woke up then…but with her last words pricking my mind like a jagged knife. Ready to pull out the part happiness I'd gained in the past week. "I don't know you" she'd said. My own daughter..."I don't know you"
When Applejack finally woke I'd cried myself out. I'd sat there for hours. Crying. About Ruby, about how I would never escape now, and about what I'd leave behind when I found my peace. Nothing would stop me now. Nothing.
When Applejack looked over me I kept my face neutral, hiding the burning sadness I now carried like an anchor in my stomach. The anchor I was going to lose... and with it my life.
"Good mornin' Joe" she said. I had to hide my thoughts… had to. So I smiled, trying to put happiness in it, but I didn't have any now. Lucky for me she had already moved to the door. She trusted me now. The thought put another knife into my head. This one stayed. Keeping my friends in my head, and the pain I would bring them.
As we headed downstairs Apple Bloom came out of another door and followed us down the stairs. We all sat around the table, all of us in the usual places. So uniform. So normal. I kept my face as straight as possible. It wasn't smiling. But I didn't smile much anyway.
After the meal, full of normal conversations, everything so normal, we went to the orchards. Like normal. The one thing work does is let you think, I thought as I carried bushel after bushel. I thought about my Ruby, and how this new occurrence was tearing me apart, How Ruby would see me and how It would break her cute little heart to see me like this. This thought made me nearly drop the bushels and curl into a ball. I couldn't go on. I had failed them, and now this filly in my dreams was living proof I had failed them. Because her denial of me, was my punishment. To dream of her and have her speak back. To love her but not back. To remember her. With all my heart... but not be remembered back.
I then thought of why. When I was sat there before and Applejack was asleep, I hadn't just ended it... coward. The thought didn't even hurt anymore. It was who I am after all. But, No, it wasn't just cowardice. What I was feeling was... curiosity. "You've been standin' there fo' four minutes now." I jumped then. I'd completely forgotten. "Sorry" I mumbled caught by surprise, I couldn't hide the look of sadness I'd been showing. As I walked past her she eyed me. Worry in her eye, but I wasn't dying yet. First I had to ask a certain filly some questions. And then find my ruby. In the Everfree Forest.
As I collected apples I found something that would help me greatly. A large rounded stick. Thick enough to not break and pointy enough at the end to seriously hurt something. Almost as if it were meant to be. I did believe in karma. How if you were meant to be something you became that person. I'd thought of it countless times. I wasn't a bad person. And yet my destiny in life had been to suffer because in that Destiny I would lose it all ,be given it back then lose it again. There was no God. Only fate. As we went back (having hidden my weapon in the apple cart. Applejack spoke "Tell me what's troublin' you." I had decided on this path no one was going to stop me. So I answered truthfully. About the torments. The pain. All of it. And when we got back I left her and went straight to Apple Bloom's room, to hear the story of Sunny town.
(If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about play the game, or look on fanfic I'm sure somepony will tell you)
As I left Apple Bloom's room it was dark and late. But that wasn't stopping me. The fact was. There wasn't anything worth living for. Not even my amazing friends. Because torment is endless. But friendships aren't.
As I retrieved the stick I'd found from the still full wagon. I heard voices coming from the path. I found myself facing the six mares that were starting to give me torment. Not end it. And for that reason it wasn't with regret that I turned and before they could react. Sprinted towards the Everfree Forest. They weren't catching me. As rainbow dash came flying at me. I could see her face moving strangely in the wind. It almost made my feelings for her stop what I was about to do. Almost.
I swung the pole at the right time. Precision accuracy. I wasn't pleased with this. But they could cope with me leaving. She couldn't. I had seen it in those lovely eyes. Love. She cared too much. I knew she would never quit on me. Unlike when I left my loved ones to die. Karma.
I turned back. The girls surrounding the unconscious Rainbow Dash. I could see blood on her jaw. I wouldn't forgive that betrayal. Another added to my list.
I turned without a second thought. And entered the dark Everfree Forest.
As I walked down the path. My former friends fading away I saw the eyes appearing. Red eyes surrounding everywhere but forwards. I walked slowly. My only fear now was that I would be cursed and live with my torment forever. I shook the thoughts out of my head, but not before I thought that cursed word.
Karma.
However as I kept walking the eyes started to disappear. They probably didn't realise my intelligence. It was now that I saw her. Her grey body. Her beautiful blonde mane. And those eyes. Like beacons in darkness. Like Sun's in the night. Driving away the pain. Except for mine. It will never go.
"Why are you here again?" She asked in that sweet voice that made me tremble in remorse.
"I came to ask you some questions. And then to end my life. She looked at me worriedly as I said that. "Why?" The hurt in her voice felt like a bullet to the brain. But far more painful. And slow."You answer my questions first and I'll answer yours. I knew she was a curious person. She was the soul of my daughter. I felt it. "Do you know who your parents are?" She slowly shook her head, sorrow in her eyes. I was running out of time. "Do you recognise me?" She shook her head again. This was all I needed to know. From what I could guess she lived a terrible existence. And I would help. I failed her in my last existence. Not this one. We would both pass on. I hoped. I asked my final question "why do you stay on this earth?" She looked so sad at that point. I wanted to wrap my arms around her. But I couldn't touch her. She was a ghost. She was my ghost.
She finally said "...Mitta... she's in sunny town Until she passes I will not leave her" I nodded at that. The curse from what I was told by Apple Bloom said that until the ponies of Sunny town saw the errors of their ways . They were doomed to walk at night. Forever.
I left ruby as she told me to stop. To reconsider. I simply smiled. It's what I must do. To make amends.
I stepped into a clearing. The eyes had returned. And this time. They stayed. I didn't care. All that I cared about was Ruby. And myself. So as I proceeded towards the town of nightmares. The fleeting glimpses of skeletal ponies I saw didn't faze me. I was beyond their reach. Already marked for dead. A shade of life doing one last thing for my daughter, it doesn't matter if she doesn't know me. It's her.
As I entered the deathly silence around Sunny town. I saw him. Grey Hoof, Apple Bloom called him. The pony that killed my daughter. If I hadn't been like this I would've been angry. But I saw it how it was. He had been punished. He had been given justice. At least this world had got the guy that killed my daughter. Here... the world was fair. And sweet, and innocent. Too innocent for me. After all. I was human. This colt in front of me was the closest I had come to myself. A murderer.
The one difference was that I was remorseful. And so was Mitta. I would help her spirit move on. Be happy. Before I followed in her hoof steps.
I walked past grey hoof. He didn't deserve anymore of my attention. And when he poked me meaningfully in the chest I turned. Anger filling me. "I have already been punished Grey Hoof." I spoke softly. It was true. I had died. It was enough for everyone else. Except me.
He looked at me. Fear in his eyes. I was better than him. And deep. Deep down he knew it. One day it would dawn on him. One day he would feel true suffering.
As I entered the house Apple Bloom had described. I saw her then. Keening in a corner. I could feel the pain I shared with her. Only I was free to escape. I owed it to her to get her out. Because pain for eternity would be unbearable. She was so strong to have not become a soulless wreak. Ruby. I guessed. Her only friend in life. I know they kept me going. Unlike her though I could end it. And I knew if she could. It would be her choice as well.
So I sat next to her. And comforted her. Hugged her and gave her my remaining love. The last remaining love of my daughter. This was for her. I sat there and she slowly stopped crying. She looked up fear in her eyes. Then confusion. I hadn't come here to become a living nightmare. I had come to free one. As I sat there I felt something. Sensation and said quietly. "Mitta... you are forgiven. By me, a link to death. Go now spirit be free." I don't know what I said. It felt so normal. Mitta tried to say something. But she was fading. Her final words were "Thank you" so simple. But those two words were the warmest thing in the world. They were sincere. She was forgiven. I don't care how. It's my turn now.
As I slowly walked out of the house Grey Hoof appeared in front of me. He glared "How dare you let her leave. I did not allow it!" I then said silently. Another's will possessing me it was deep. So deep. "You will not contest this man's last death wish. It is the most honest thing I have in my many years. You are nothing but a scourge on this land and should be sent to TARTEROUS!" His last words were same level as the rest. But I felt like they could split an earth . Grey Hoof was cowering at my feet as I felt the presence leave me.
I just kept walking out of the town. To find a place to die. I found a beautiful clearing. Sounds stupid. Even in my head, but to me it's my final blessing.
As I prepare a vine. Tying it to a tree. I feel a presence. Two to be precise.
I can't believe it. There they are. My wife. And my child. Both smile sadly they can't speak. Only watch as I end my life. I would rather they didn't. But it felt right. I was doing this to be with them after all.
As I mounted the tree and prepared to jump. A black form appeared. "You have cheated death." It says. "You were given your blessing and final wish. But you will not die!" He is angry. I see it. I feel it. It's everywhere. I must jump. To please him.
Time slows as I fall. I see ruby and Angela. There. Watching. I also hear death speaking. "You will not die until you move on. For punishment of deceit.
I feel like hammer just struck my soul. Putting it in chains. I see Angela crying. Begging. I see Ruby. For the last time. Because I can't move on.
I see a blur of rainbow as my saviour comes. The saviour that destroyed my hope. And locked my soul in chains. Rainbow Dash.
I feel the rope snap. Feel the ground break my legs. And see RD's worried eyes. The eyes that cursed me.
"Joe? Joe!" I feel the anger consume me. The loss. The suffering. I know if she doesn't get away. I will do something unforgivable.
"Rainbow... get away" I say with hate in my eyes. I can't vent this pain. Even torture wouldn't compare to a life of misery. Now I was no better than Grey Hoof. A killer. Doomed to walk the earth. I will spend my existence there. I have decided. Never see the ponies that were my friends. Because they will only remind me of what I lost. And what I will do to Rainbow.
She sees it in my eyes. The hate. I hate myself for hating. My good side over bad. But bad will win. Bad will always win. Bad is all I have left.
She's crying now. She thinks I'll try again. I need to explain. "Rainbow Dash. Remember these words when you think of me and you will soon move on. You have doomed me." I turned. And didn't stop. Not for her crying. Or her wailing. Or even her pleas. They all hurt me more. Until there was nothing left but hurt. Hurt. Loss. They're the same thing at this stage.
I pass through the trees. Away from everything I hold dear. Condemning myself to years of pain. Years of sadness. Because in the end it was my fault. And I couldn't blame Rainbow Dash. But it isn't that easy.
I settle down In Mitta's corner. I can see why she liked it. Cold. But enclosed. Safe but enough to make it uncomfortable. I would sit here and morn. I had essentially replaced Mitta. At least that brought me comfort. Like a firefly in a black cloth. The only Leigh in the dark clinging sorrow. She didn't deserve this. I did. I obviously hadn't gone through enough punishment. I had tried to die and death didn't come. So now I was doomed. All because of him. I would never forgive. Never move on. But it was the only way to end the suffering.
It hadn't been two minutes and I was already being tempted to leave my love and child just to escape pain I deserved. So now I will sit here. And suffer. Because that's all I can do.
I wake to see the sun shining on me. But I don't feel its of nightmares. I will never forgive. And never escape. Not even In sleep. It was then that I geared Grey Hoof. But he wasn't talking to me. "Why hello there young fillies. What brings you to Sunnytown?"
"Well me an' ma friends here were just gonna look around." Dread. I knew that voice. They were here for me. I then thought why my first thought hadn't been my fear for their safety. Because I'm selfish. That's why.
I slowly back into the house that's now repaired. They couldn't find me. They were determined. I would never get them to leave. Then night would fall and they would all be cursed.
I wouldn't let that happen. Not to those with a chance in life. A chance to be happy.
I slowly stood up and walked to the entrance of house again. I would try everything to get rid of them before I went with them.
Scootaloo saw me first. I glared at them as they nervously approached me. Fear would be my best chance at making them leave. "Do you have any idea what danger your in?" I said slowly. The hatred in my words almost palpable. I saw Apple Bloom walk forward shakily. "We've come to get you outta here." I could've lied. But AJ must have taught me better than I thought. So instead of saying I couldn't leave I said "But I don't want to leave." They stared at me incredulously. "But why!" Scoot shouted. I glared at her when ponies looked round. I then replied "You wouldn't understand. You live happy, peaceful lives. What I can tell you is that I deserve to remain here."
Before any of us could speak I saw Grey Hoof approaching. I had to act quickly. He could curse the girls. "Get behind me" I commanded. They did so as Grey Hoof came to a halt. "So you fillies are with the cursed one." He says this with an icy tone "at least I wear mine with sorrow. You will never understand what you have done Grey Hoof." I then step towards him. Making sure the CMC's are behind me.
I stand face to face. He tries to attack. I knew he would. I was ready. I grab hold of his neck and spin hard. I hear a splintering sound. Then a crack. I feel no remorse. He isn't a living soul. He doesn't deserve any. Neither should I. I turn to see the fillies gagging at the sight of Grey Hoof . Maybe now they can leave me alone is all I think. Selfish.
I turn to re-enter the house. "Wait!" Sweetie Belle cried "You can't leave us alone here. After that." I hoped they would fear me. Those three would probably fight an ursa major if it meant getting their cutie marks. Jokes couldn't help my mood. I replied "You got here on your own. So why can't you leave" They tried to reply before Apple Bloom spoke sadly "You helped Ruby..."
That hurt. I couldn't be reminded. Ever. I stared at them as they looked at me. It was then that I saw the crowd behind them. I had to help. Or I'd be stuck with them. Reminding me of my selfishness for not saving them. Forever. Sighing I said. "Climb on up then" I had given goals piggyback rides on the first day. But I used to do this to Ruby. I heard her giggling every time I did it.
I slowly walked towards the ponies. They stared nervously at Grey Hoof's corpse. He would be back when I returned. The ponies in front of me moved slowly out of the way.
As we walked through the forest no one talked. We found the path after an hour or so. It was quite a long walk to the edge of the forest. As we neared the tree-line I slowly lowered myself so the fillies on my back could jump off. They all turned to face me. Sadness in their eyes. It was an alien emotion to them. I felt it every day. And would continue to do so.
"This is goodbye girls" I said sternly. "I won't help you next time." I turned. And was about to walk away when I heard the birds. They were singing together. It sounded slow and mournful. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had gone off somewhere. I looked through some bushes. There. On the hill were my friends. The urge to run to them. To forget my life of solitude was overwhelming. Until I remembered my wife and child. It pained me that I had forgotten them. Even for a second.
They looked to be huddled together. Planning I guessed. They wouldn't give up on me I realised. It really was a sad thought. It burnt me to think it. Mentally burnt.
I tried to think of how to dissuade them of coming to get them. I needed a warning. This part wouldn't be pleasant I realised. I found a sharp flint and a stick. I spent an hour sharpening it. I then strengthened the tip from a fire I started. I then set out to find some prey.
I decided on a deer. It was smaller here than on earth. I could carry it. I did this now. Back to the path. It was then I heard a Pegasus. Rainbow Dash I knew her wing beat. She just sat there. At the entrance of the forest waiting. For me I realised sadly. I had hurt her. Mentally and physically. She can't cope I know so she probably sits here every evening clinging to the hope I'll come to her. It hurts seeing her like this. Her heart torn in two. I would've come to her. Had things been different... I shake my head. I can't think like that. Because it lead back to them. Always back to them. I loved them so much. And I had to throw them away. I knew as well realisation dawning on me. If I got any closer to RD she would end up like those fire men. I couldn't let that happen. If it did. I would lose the only thing keeping my soul In my body. My friends. Because deep down. There was still the hope of help. And now I was pushing them further away.
Finally she left. Flying away. Slowly, she never flat slowly. I can't think of that now though even though it will be she who finds the sign. I put the sharpened staff into the deer carcass. I almost laugh at how the blood used to make me faint. I take the wooden board I had found on the edge of the forest. Probably some ponies. I then balance the board where people will see It and using the blood on the spear as blood I write ' I am beyond your help. Leave me be.' I examine the sign. Probably not enough. Never enough to stop friends. I sigh as I place the carcass at the foot of the sign then turn and walk into the forest back into Sunny Town.
I woke realising it's the last day under Applejack's care. I would be learning her lessons. But now. Avoiding death wasn't the problem. It was obtaining it.
I stepped out of my cottage in Sunny town. If it hadn't been cursed and evil. It would've been a nice place. I see Grey Hoof in the distance. Eying me with pure hatred. I pay no attention.
I then decide to eat. Before remembering I didn't need to. Death wouldn't overlook something so simple. So I just went back inside and sat on a crate. The hard seat reminded me of my punishment. I woke with a start. I hadn't realised I'd fallen asleep. The nightmares had reminded me In no due course though.
As I went to sit up. Something felt wrong. I couldn't move...no it couldn't be! I felt helpless as I struggled against the magic. My mental anger building until I felt my senses and movement return. I was angry now. .angry! I roared a challenge. Natural instincts taking over. I then looked into a pair of eyes. Not those eyes. No!
I tried to turn away but they held me. "Sit. Down" Fluttershy said, I didn't dare argue. I sat then. Feeling annoyed at how easy it must have been to teleport me to the library. So easy. I wouldn't make the same mistake again. I just needed to get out before they went on helping me. They couldn't help me when I had made my selfish decision to never let my family go.
"Tell us what happened. Starting with the beginning of the week. I stayed silent. Let them try and find out. It would be easier to show then to explain. after a long silence she finally says "very well you leave us no choice" I close my eyes as she approaches her horn being surrounded by her magic. I knew this would make me relive the past week. including my thoughts. They would see it to. There was some good. But mostly, it was bad, too bad for them to watch. It was too late now, let them see. Let Rainbow see what she did to me. I don't have time to regret the thought before Twilight's horn touches my forehead and blackness descends.
I see it all again. Too much emotion. I separate my emotions. Or at least I try to. After all that happened this week I don't think I'll escape the guilt ever again.
When we get to the clearing, where I see them I feel my gut twist painfully, even my body can't take the pain I felt being denied my loved ones. This will destroy RD... and it's all my fault. The thought of hurting one of my best and only friends hurts. And no matter how much I experience it. I will never escape the hurt. And the feelings it brings with it.
As I feel my conscious return to me I look at them again. I look at Rainbow. I see the light, once so bright. Die in her eyes. Nopony deserves that I approach her slowly. She begins to back away, towards the door. If she leaves, she will never return. I can see it happen.
I can't let it come to pass. I dive so she doesn't escape. I don't care if the others think I'm attacking her. I need to comfort her before the hate returns. I wrap my arms around her neck in a tight embrace as I lie there, I say "don't give up hope." I say gently. I look into her eyes, I see a spark. "I won't if you don't" she whispers back sadly. I tense at that. Then nod my head. I will try for her. To keep her safe. I wonder why I continue to comfort the mare who destroyed my life.
Fluttershy walks towards us. "Joe, you are to move in with me. I will try to help you cope" I stare. She is so strange, commanding at some times, then timid for the most. She makes a cute sound and retreats into her mane. I nod slowly. Before turning back to RD. "please don't try to leave" she whispers. I know that desperation. I know what she'll do if I leave. That will not happen to her. I will protect her how I can. But I won't move on. I am doomed to watch them fail. Age and then die. And I'll be alone. All alone. I nod my head meaningfully and she stands up, wiping the tears out her eyes before slowly leaving the library and taking off into the air. I then look back as Fluttershy motions for me to leave so I head towards her cottage. With her trailing behind. I no longer think of death. Just how I will survive. Without giving up to the dark embrace of despair.
This chapter may start out badly. This is due completely to parents. Who discovered my bronydom, there reaction was one of acceptance like I suspected. But they then have to put doubt into my head. It messed with my imagination and concentration and my writing was terrible. So I scrapped the worst parts and after some BLC (brony loving care) from friends I got back to writing. Please forgive the lapse in writing and I'll try to focus. I now realise how foalish I was to doubt you guys.
BRO HOOF