A Baby for... SNAPE???

A/N: Oh dear lord! I'm so evil! HaHA! Review please! Got any ideas for a chapter? Let me know!

Two months after the baby scare with Bellatrix Lestrange, Harry Potter found himself brewing a fertility potion so strong it was commonly known as KUFS (Knocked Up For Sure) during Double Potions with the Slytherins.

"Don't you DARE play any games this period, you insolent maggots! I will ensure that anyone who manages to impregnate themselves using this potion is not allowed access to an Abortive Draught from Pomfrey!" Snape stalked around the room glaring at everyone, especially Pansy Parkinson, whose eyes had glittered cunningly at the start of class.

Malfoy, however, had different plans. Just as his godfather (who really, desperately needed some shampoo) turned away, he lobbed a small version of Filibuster's fireworks through the air straight into Harry Potter's cauldron.

BOOM! The cauldron exploded, catching Harry full in the face as he was laughing wide-mouthed at one of Ron's stupid jokes. Hermione, thankfully, had turned just in time to help Neville salvage his pathetic attempt (no doubt it would render someone infertile, rather than assuring a pregnancy) and only her hair had been soaked in the stuff.

Snape stalked over furiously, his robes billowing out behind him. Harry gulped, inadvertently swallowing even more of the potion, and smiled goofily as the image of a large greased up bat with a big nose materialized in his mind's eye.

"YOU IMBECILE! WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT? DETENTION!" Snape roared. He Vanished the mess and ordered the class out, spitting in rage. "Stay behind, Potter."

Snape conjured a glass of strong tea and shoved it into Harry's hands. "That'll take the taste out," he growled, imagining snapping the pencil-thin neck of the scrawny Boy-Who-Never-Pays-Attention in front of him. "Don't think that because you are a man you have no reason to fear, Potter. I don't know how far the Muggles have gotten in their ridiculous scientific notions, but in the Wizarding world male pregnancy is possible. Most of the time you need an entire ritual, but I suspect you swallowed enough of the KUFS potion undiluted for you to easily become pregnant."

Harry snorted as though he knew everything. "Yeah, right; so I'd pass said baby through my penis?"

"You don't believe me, Potter?" Snape leaned in dangerously and the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Give-Superiors-Peptic-Ulcers smirked.

"You're just trying to scare me," the arrogant Potter kid said. Snape smirked even more evilly.

"Ingravesco!" A thin silvery ribbon-like thing shot out of Snape's nether regions and shot into an astounded Harry's lower abdomen. He pushed away from the table with a growl.

"What the fuck did you do to me?" Harry roared. Snape smirked.

"I have more boys in my line than girls… I suggest you and your little Gryffindor friends buy blue baby necessities." With that, Snape strode into his office, barely avoiding a jar of cockroaches thrown at his head.

&&&&

Harry groaned. The first six months had been pure hell. First the morning sickness, which put him off food almost entirely (and you know men MUST have their food… torture!), then the back pain, neck pain, swollen ankles, mood swings… his man-chest looked more ladylike these days, have swelled with milk! He'd even caught RON, of all people, staring at his jugs! Luckily the last trimester had been easier on him, and even though he still had bouts of morning sickness, he didn't puke at the first odd smell anymore.

Walking to class was almost unbearable, what with the extra weight and the looks he got, especially from the Muggleborn. McGonagoll had relented and allowed him to use an adult-sized toy broom that rose enough for him to ride comfortably to classes.

"How do women do this?" Harry complained to Hermione, refusing his pumpkin juice in favor of ginger ale, and the rich breakfast in front of him for crackers and toast. He downed the thrice-daily nutritive potion Madam Pomfrey had demanded he drink.

Hermione smirked. "We're strong," she replied, ladling extra maple syrup on her pancakes just to watch Harry turn green. "We're more than knockers and bums, eh?"

Harry nodded grimly, sipping his ginger ale. "Guess I should thank the greasy sit for what he did, eh? Making me carry his child and all…"

Ron gaped at him, just like he mindlessly did every time Harry mentioned the father of the child. "I can't believe they didn't make you get rid of it, mate! Having a teacher's kid!"

Suddenly Harry felt as though he pissed himself. He clutched Hermione for support. "I think my water broke… either that or I pissed myself without knowing I needed to piss."

Ron looked revulsed. "Gross! Don't piss yourself around me!"

Hermione lost her temper and smacked Ron hard, though not as hard as he deserved, as she dragged Harry to Madam Pomfrey's.

"I don't have to push, do I?" Harry asked, breaking out in a sweat. Snape strode in, sneering.

"No, you idiot! Another spell is needed. I cant believe such a dunderhead as yourself managed to carry a child to term without miscarrying it," Snape sneered, though he looked excited at the prospect of being a father. "Parvulusvindico!"

Harry's gravid stomach deflated suddenly as a pink, blood-covered baby appeared in the arms of the dour Potions Master. Madam Pomfrey Vanished the placenta inside Harry and Scourgifyed the crying baby girl, swaddling her and putting her back in Snape's arms.

"Congratulations!" she announced.

"I'M A MOMMY!" Harry wailed happily. Hermione began to cry tears of joy and Ron ran to the bathroom to puke as Harry's man-titties began leaking in response to Hermione's bawling.

What do you know… men CAN make babies after all.