I'm not strong enough to stay away.
Can't run from you
I just run back to you.
Like a moth I'm drawn in to your flame,
Say my name, but it's not the same.
You look in my eyes, I'm stripped of my pride.
And my soul surrenders, and you bring my heart to it's knees.
~ One Year Later. 4thof July night~
She'd been watching him for a few minutes and she smiled as she heard his small bare feet make soft pitter-patter sounds around the kitchen table. His little wet swim shorts left small drops of water on the hardwood as he eyed a big box of fireworks on the table. She watched him make his fourth trip around the table before she spoke to him.
"What'ca doin' Sam?" Lizzie asked making the little boy jump. "Just lookin' at that box" he said pointing his chubby little finger at it. She sat down at the table and pulled the box closer to herself. "Come here punkin'." She held out her small pale hand and the smiling little boy ran to her. "You want to play with some before supper?" She asked him as she hugged him close to her and kissed the top of his head. "Mama said we can't set any off until after we eat." He said sticking out his little lip. "Yeah, Well mama's outback cooking with everybody else. I think it'll be okay to light these." She said picking up a box a sparklers. "Come on lets go." She said putting the giggling boy on his feet. She grabbed a lighter and opened the front door for them to go into the front yard.
And it's killin' me when you're away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay.
And I'm so confused, So hard to choose.
Between the pleasure and the pain.
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.
Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind.
And I'm not strong enough to stay away
He'd been around the world more times than he cared to think about in the last year. He took any job that came his way to keep busy. Some paid well some didn't. But he didn't care, as long as he was working his mind didn't torture him with thoughts of her. It was his last job that had him on a airplane heading back to the US. He had a contract in Germany to take out a woman that was in the way of her husband getting his hands on all her money. He really didn't care anymore about the jobs he took. He was dieing inside and he knew it. He didn't find joy in his work like he once had ,the fear and pain that once energized him and made his blood sizzle no longer did anything for him. He didn't hunt anymore, the women that would have been his play toys before he fucked them no longer did anything for him. They weren't her they never would be. He wouldn't feel small cool hands on his body. He wouldn't feel there body grow warm from his touch. He wouldn't feel sharp teeth in his flesh and he wouldn't feel himself flow into them like he had with her. She had become the only thing he thought about when he looked at other women. They would never be as good as her and he lost the will to even try. So he would just torture himself at night in cheep motel rooms. When his body was hard he would punish himself. Thinking of her, how good it could have been with her if he wasn't such and animal, a useless monster. He was rough with himself holing his thick long manhood in his huge hand and as he came he would cut deep gashes in his chest just to feel the pain. He bled oceans of mind numbing misery onto dirty sheets every time he spilled his seed. Other times he would bring himself close to the edge and just stop denying his body that release it needed.
He was waiting for the woman in her dark bedroom. It was going to be fast just rip her throat out and get the hell at of Berlin, he had already been paid. He watched her walk into her home. She was a small woman with long dark hair and her face was hid from him by dark shadows. He inhaled her scent when she walked by him in the dark. "She smells so nice." He thought to himself. "Your husband has set me to take you out darlin'." He said in flawless German. His hand was up and ready to make the killing blow. The woman turned quickly and fell backwards as she panicked. His deep soft voice was startling from the dark of her room. He stopped dead in his tracks at what he saw. He flipped on the light in her bedroom and just stared at her. She was on the floor breathing hard. She was a little bigger then Lizzie and she looked older. A vision of Lizzie flashed in his head of her with a little more age on her. What she would have looked like if she was able to age just a little. Beautiful was the word that kept repeating over and over again in his mind.
The woman had bright green eyes, not the moon colored ones he loved. But she looked so much like the object of his mental torture He couldn't bring himself to kill her. He sat on his marks bed and dropped his head into his hands. The woman on the floor had no idea what to do so she just sat there trembling. After several long moments the frightened woman found the courage to speak and asked him if he was going to kill her. Victor stared at her before he said a word. She looked so much Like Lizzie it hurt and he felt that tight pain in his chest again. "I'm not going to hurt you doll."
It was so odd setting on his marks bed talking to her. He'd found out her name was Jacqueline and she spoke fairly good English. It dawned on him how uncaring he had become with his jobs, he didn't even ask her husband what her name was just took the picture the man had and left him standing in the bar that was their meeting place. He stuffed the picture in his back pocket and never looked at it. Jacqueline handed her would be assassin a glass of bourbon and sat down beside him on her bed. "Why didn't you kill me?" She asked in her thick German accent. He took a drink before he told her why he couldn't kill her.
"You look like someone that is very important to me." He said looking at her.
"A woman?" She asked trying to keep him talking.
"Yes." he said softly.
"Do you love her?"
"I'm not sure I know how to love anybody." He said being honest with her and himself.
"You must love her, if me looking like her stopped you from doing a job that you have been paid to do." She said patting his shoulder.
They talked for a few hours at the end he knew what he had to do. In a strange turn of events Jacqueline stood up and hug him before Victor left her home. He had asked if she wanted him to take out her bastard of a husband knowing that if he didn't the man would find someone else to kill her. Her soft 'Yes.' was all he needed. Jacqueline was a good woman and didn't deserve to be hunted down and slaughtered like a sheep. She was a doctor that healed the sick and victor was going to make damn sure her good for nothing husband would never hurt her.
I'm not strong enough to stay away
What can I do
I would die without you
In your presence my heart knows no shame
I'm not to blame
Cause you bring my heart to it's knees
There's nothing I can do
My heart is chained to you
And I can't get free
Look what this love's done to me
The thick summer air was filled with honeysuckles and magnolia scents. He parked the car at the end of her drive way and walked up her drive. A soft breeze made the moss in the trees sway gently. He saw her in the front yard playing with a little boy. She looked happy and her laugh reached his ears and the sound relaxed him. She was barefoot and had a little white and purple summer dress on. He watched her light two sparklers and hand one to the little boy. His small giggling voice echoed through the trees as they played together. Victor was moving closer with each passing moment. He was just a few yards away from them now.
It was the little boy that saw him first, he stopped and froze out of fear when he saw the huge man standing in the shadows. Lizzie picked up the scared child when she saw what had frightened him. She walked slowly to Victor as she spoke softly to the child reassuring him he had nothing to be scared of.
She was just a few feet away from him when she stopped and looked eye to eye with Victor. Her flowers and death scent hit him like a physical blow and he inhaled her deeply. He new right then just how much he missed her, How he missed everything about her. And for the first time in his life he prayed to a god that he wasn't sure he believed in to help him fix all that he'd destroyed.
Not strong enough, strong enough
Not strong enough, strong enough
To stay away
Not strong enough, strong enough
Not strong enough, strong enough
I'm not strong enough to stay away
Not Strong Enough By APOCALYPTICA