Chapter 6 - Broken (Posted 19 December 2011)

Mike thought he'd gotten away, but Harvey was just too fast for him. He caught him by the sleeve, taking Mike by surprise so that he ended up falling over. Harvey dragged him back inside and pulled him up, grabbing his shoulders tightly and pulling him so close they could taste each other's breath.

"What does that even mean?"

"Nothing." Mike squeaked. He wanted Harvey to know the truth, but not until he had a clear escape. He closed his eyes and looked away. "It doesn't mean anything, Harvey."

"Oh, really? Because it seemed to mean a whole lot about ten seconds ago."

"Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"Because. I want to help you. But I can't do that if you keep pushing me away."

"You only want to help me because you feel like you have to. Well I'm telling you that you don't. I don't... I don't need you to take care of me, not when your only reason is because I'm a reflection of you."

"Mike..."

"No, just listen to me. I get it. I really do. I got kicked out of school, I did drugs, I cheated, I lied. You have every reason to see nothing but a fuckup when you look at me. And don't say I'm wrong because I can see it in your eyes, Harvey. I can see it every time you look my way and give me that disapproving once-over." Mike was crying now, but Harvey still hadn't released him. "And even when I found something good, when I finally had a chance to do something with my life, I risk losing it again and again and then I realize that I'm in love with a man who will never love me back and I'm too weak to face him. So I become a fucking prostitute in hopes that he'll finally just admit that he doesn't want me around anymore and then maybe I can finally get away. I understand all of it. But the only thing that doesn't make sense is why you keep me here. Why do you insist on working with me like we're the greatest team in the world when it's so obvious that I just want out?"

Harvey could only stare at him. For some reason, he couldn't seem to process everything fast enough even though he repeated the whole rant in his head about a hundred times in the few seconds it took for him to be able to speak. "You're in love with me?"

"Of course, that's the only part you hear." Mike huffs.

"No... I heard you, Mike. But I don't know what you mean. I never saw anything that told me you didn't want to work with me. You say it was obvious, but it wasn't. I didn't see it."

"Everyone could see it."

Harvey shook his head. "Well I didn't. Is it really that bad?"

"You try being a worthless, fake associate in love with his emotionless boss."

"You're not worthless." Harvey argued. "I've never thought that. Or any of the other things you think I consider you. You're the best associate I could have asked for. You do great work, but I push you because I know you can be amazing and I want to see you succeed."

"Yeah, because it would look good on you for me to be so wonderful. But I'm not. I can't be what you want me to be."

"Yes you can."

"Harvey, don't-"

"Now it's your turn to listen. I'll level with you, I didn't want an associate to begin with. You think I wanted to have to look out for someone who should be able to handle things themselves? Of course not. I'm not the mentoring kind, and I hired you because I thought if I taught you the basics, you'd pick up on it pretty quickly. And you know what? I was right. A little advice here and there and you go off and get shit done. On your own. And yeah, maybe it's not as good as it could be if I was showing you every little detail, but it was good work and it'll help you in the long run. Before I knew it I found myself rooting for you and I didn't even realize it until I started to worry about how you would feel if you did something wrong rather than how it would reflect on me."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I want you to do well because I care about you, not just because it'll make me look good. You deserve better than what you have, Mike, but you have to go out there and get it yourself. All I can do is give you a little guidance, even though I wish I could do more." He released Mike's shoulders, stepping a few inches away from him. "I don't want to lose you as my associate. Or my friend, or whatever you are to me, given your... feelings. But if you really hate working with me that badly, I don't want to keep you here against your will."

Mike started to take a step backward toward the door, but hesitated as he looked into Harvey's eyes. All this time he thought they were filled with dislike toward him, but now he began to recognize it as... fear? Before he had a chance to think about it, he jumped into Harvey's arms, hugging him as tightly as his skinny arms would let him.

Harvey was startled by Mike's actions, but returned the hug as he felt tears soaking through his shirt.

"I was so scared, Harvey." Mike cried. "He just... he came walking up to me and... he was a regular so I kind of knew him, I didn't think... well he asked me to go with him and I told him that I wasn't in that business anymore, and he... he grabbed me and I'm pretty strong for a little guy but I couldn't get him to let go of me no matter how much I hit or kicked him..."

"Mike," Harvey said quietly, "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault." Mike told him, shaking his head against Harvey's chest. "I shouldn't have taken that street. I knew it was dangerous, but it was a shortcut, and..."

"It is my fault. I'm the one that drove you to that. Maybe if I'd just paid a little more attention to you... or actually showed you that I cared instead of acting like I didn't."

Mike sniffed and pulled slightly away. Harvey's arms were loose enough that he could push him away if he wanted to. But of course he didn't want to. He just wanted him to hold him a little bit longer. "Look at you, you're eyes are all wet..."

"I hate that this happened to you."

He searched Harvey's eyes. "Caring. Pride. Anger. Hatred. You still trying to convince people you don't have emotions?"

"I've done a good job convincing you."

Mike rested his forehead on Harvey's chest. "I'm just so confused. You say you don't care, but then you do something that says otherwise, and then you just go back to being a jackass, and now you're telling me you care about me and I just don't know which to believe. Every time I think I have it figured out for sure, you do something to prove me wrong."

Harvey waited, pursing his lips as he contemplated what to say next. "What if I told you I love you too? Then would you be sure?"

Mike's jaw dropped and he felt like he'd just had the wind knocked out of him. "What... what did you say?"

"I said I love you too."

"Like Hell you do." Mike let go of him.

But Harvey just pulled him in again, smiling sadly at him. "I do. I do love you. You want to know the funny thing? I realized it that night I saw you at the restaurant. Working so hard. Smiling. You looked comfortable. And I'd been feeling something, that's really why I followed you in the first place, because I just wanted to see you. But then when I saw you get in that guy's car... I didn't know what to think. I guess I was disappointed, but not because I was disappointed in you, but because he wasn't me. I was disappointed in myself for not being there for you, for not letting you know that you could have come to me, and for not just insisting that you let me help you."

Mike swallowed, trying to understand all of this at once. "You say you love me..."

"I mean it."

"But you haven't kissed me yet."

"I didn't want to... upset you. I won't take advantage of you. My blood is boiling just thinking about whoever..."

"Harvey," Mike said, tentatively reaching up to comfort him by placing a hand on his arm. "Don't think about it. It's done, it's over, and here we are... just... please kiss me?"

"But..."

"Just do it, Harvey. Please? For me?"

Harvey didn't want to kiss Mike. Not if it risked bringing back fresh, painful memories. But if he wanted it, he really had no way to reject him. So he leaned forward, bringing one hand up behind Mike's head and pulling him in for a tiny kiss. It was meant to be tiny, anyway, until after a few seconds when neither of them could control themselves.

Mike pressed into Harvey's body, eagerly accepting the kiss.

"I love you," Harvey whispered against Mike's lips. "I love you so much, Mike..."

Mike's lips turned into a smile. "Are you gonna show me how much?"

And then Harvey stopped, resting his forehead against Mike's and closing his eyes. "No. Not tonight."

"Why not?" Mike asked, sounding disappointed. "You think I can't take it?"

"Of course not, I just don't want to do that so soon after... what happened to you."

"But, Harvey... I wan't-"

"You're vulnerable. I know you want this, Mike, but I don't want to risk hurting you. Just try to understand where I'm coming from, okay? You... you're fragile right now and I just want to be gentle with you. I'm trying to mend you, not break you."

"I'm already broken, Harvey, you can't break me further. And I don't know if you can really heal me either, I was sitting pretty high when I fell of that wall. And you know how that story goes. But I trust you."

"I know you do, and I don't want to betray that trust by taking advantage of you. I want to show you that I deserve your trust, okay? Please, I want this, but I don't just want to sleep with you. I want you, all of you. So let's take things slow. And when you're ready, I promise, I'll wash the taste of all those other men out of your mouth."

Mike parted his lips in a half-gape, half-smile. "Okay. Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

"So..." Mike gulped. "What do we do now?"

"Now you stop fighting me and promise to always tell me when you have a problem. Even if I can't fix it, I want to know."

"I can do that."

Harvey nodded. "Good. Because I can't stand to see you hurt like that."

"I have a feeling I won't be hurt again anytime soon, Harvey."