A/N: Again, thank you to everyone for your wonderful reviews, and I apologize for not responding individually to thank you. I promise to try to do better.
Thank you to L&S once again for their kindness and patience as well as their encouragement, handholding and occasional butt-kicking. A special thank you to the incredibly talented Kate for taking time on her day off to help me.
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine. I borrowed them from the amazing J.E. to have a little fun.
Warnings: Sexual content, Language and Spoilers for all 13.
Because I haven't updated for several days, I'm posting five new chapters this time around. For those of you who signed up for an alert, I apologize for the five e-mails I'm sure you got. I promise this will be the only time I post five at once. I hope you all enjoy them. Please take time to let me know what you think.
WARNING: I apologize ahead of time to any fans of Stephanie's mother, Ellen Plum. You may not like my interpretation of her in this chapter.
Learning about love – Chapter 6
Wrapped in Ranger's arms I listened as his breathing evened out and the pounding of his heart under my ear slowed to a normal rhythm. I thought about how this man could make me feel as no other ever had.
I lost track of how much time had passed. This wasn't the first time I'd lain in Ranger's arms in his bed, but how different it was now curled up against him with his arm around me. Wow, I thought, I'm laying here snuggling with Batman. How cool is that? And how scary. 'Yeah, but now what,' a little voice said inside. I was so caught up in my own thoughts, my body so relaxed, that I jumped at Ranger's rumbling voice.
"You okay, Babe?"
"Mmmm." I could almost feel Ranger's smile as he placed a kiss on my forehead.
"I meant for us to talk before we got here," Ranger said. When I didn't answer, he went on.
"We need to talk, Steph. If not now, soon. I want to know what you need from this relationship, from me. I need to know if marriage is the only thing you'll accept from me, if marriage is what you need to make you happy."
I could feel Ranger waiting for me to say something, and I knew that he'd let it go for now if I asked him to. I laid there silently wishing I could get up and put on some mascara first. Gallons of mascara.
Taking courage in Ranger's arms holding me and the fact that he couldn't see my face as I rested my cheek on his chest, I quietly started trying to explain all the doubts and fears I had kept locked inside.
"When I was growing up, Val was the good daughter, and I was the problem child. I guess you've already figured that out. Val played with dolls, and I jumped off roofs and played choo-choo with one of those Morelli boys. Val got good grades, and I barely got by. How I made it through college I'll never know. Val would sit home at night doing homework and primping in the mirror, and I would sneak out the window and go looking for trouble with Mary Lou. Val went to her marriage bed at 19 as pure as the day she was born, and I lost my virginity at 16 to Joe behind the counter at the Tasty Pastry." It didn't feel awkward telling Ranger what I figured he already knew, and he didn't say anything to interrupt me.
"I can remember hearing my parents arguing at night. My mother would be complaining to my father about whatever latest stunt I had pulled. He would tell her that I was spirited, and she would say I was wild. I can't tell you how many times I'd hear her tell people that I was her difficult child. I can remember her saying it over and over throughout my life like she was apologizing for handing a guest a cracked piece of china. 'I'm sorry. She's always been a difficult child. I'm sorry. That's the plate Stephanie dropped on the floor. I'd throw it away but it's part of a set, and it just wouldn't seem right. She's such a difficult child.' You get the point." I stopped long enough to take a deep breath.
Ranger tilted my face up and brushed away the tear that was sliding down my cheek. I could see the emotion swimming in his eyes; sympathy mixed with what looked like anger, but there was nothing angry about the way he gently tucked my hair back behind my ear.
"It's all right, Babe. You don't have to tell me any more. I didn't mean for this to hurt you." The gentleness of Ranger's voice had me fighting back even more tears. I hate crying in front of Ranger.
"It's okay." I said softly. "I'm almost done, and I'd like to finish now that I've started." His eyes searched my face a moment longer and then he guided my head back so that it rested on his chest, tucked under his chin. I took comfort in his hand gently stroking my hair.
"The day I told my mom that Dickie had proposed you would have thought she'd won the lottery. She acted like she thought no one would ever want me. I remember she all but ran to the phone and called one of her friends. I don't remember which one, and I guess it doesn't really matter anyhow." I spent another minute trying to remember. Finally giving up, I continued.
"Anyway, I couldn't wait to tell my mom. I didn't know that Dickie was such an asshole at the time. I was pretty happy, knowing I was finally going to get her approval. And here she is on the phone, 'Oh my god, you're not going to believe this. Stephanie's getting married. I can't believe it. Can you believe it?' I don't know if she knew I could hear her or not. I guess that doesn't really matter either." I felt Ranger gently pull me in closer in an attempt to offer me comfort.
"I remember there was this pause, and then her head poked around the corner. She had her hand over the phone so whoever she was talking to couldn't hear her. She looked at me and she said, 'You're not pregnant, are you? Stephanie, please tell me you're not pregnant.' I couldn't believe what was happening. She hadn't even congratulated me or asked to see the ring. Just the phone call and tell me you're not pregnant. I knew I couldn't speak, so I just shook my head. I heard her telling whoever it was, 'No, she's not pregnant; he actually wants to marry her.' That's the last thing I heard as I was walking out the door." This time I reached up and dashed the tear off my cheek myself.
I sat up, hating to lose the contact, but needing a little distance. I leaned back against the headboard as Ranger shifted toward me, but I still didn't look at him. Instead I locked my gaze on our entwined fingers as he reached over and held my hand. I concentrated on the darkness of his skin against the paleness of mine.
"She took me shopping and arranged the wedding. She did most of the work herself. She took care of the caterers, the music, the reception hall and, of course, the food. She made out the guest list and helped pick the flowers and the cake. I barely had to do anything but show up." I blew out a sigh.
"That makes me sound ungrateful, and I don't mean to be. I know she loves me, and she was happy for me." Now I looked at Ranger. He didn't look angry now. He didn't look anything. Ranger was in his lock down mode.
"When I came home shortly after the wedding and found Dickie going at it with Joyce on the dining room table, I was crushed. I didn't know where to go or what to do. Mary Lou had just had a baby, so I couldn't go to her. I made the mistake of going to my mother. I can't say I was surprised when she started in about how a husband wants a wife at home. 'You were always my difficult child. Why are you doing this to me? What will everyone say? Why do you have to work? He's an attorney. You don't need to work. Stay at home and make him a pot roast. Tell him you want a baby. Val stays at home cooking and cleaning and her husband doesn't cheat on her.'" My rambling came to a stop as I choked on a small sob. The sob surprised me. I hadn't realized how hurt I still was after all this time.
Instantly Ranger sat up against the top of the bed. I was pulled onto his lap and wrapped in his arms. When I looked at him this time his mask was gone and he was hiding nothing. What I saw in his eyes was more than anger. This was fury. Instead of being frightened by it, it made me feel stronger and helped stop the tears.
"Don't be angry with her. She's never known any other way of life but that of being a wife and mother. She didn't know how to raise a child like me. She never understood me. How could she when I never understood myself?"
I watched as he tried to bank the fury, but I could still hear it in his voice when he spoke. "I bet she felt like a fool when she found out Valerie's husband ran off with the babysitter."
"That was years later, but I kept waiting for her to say something to me. I didn't really expect her to apologize, but I thought she might say something. She never did." I laid my head on Ranger's shoulder.
"The whole time I was dating Joe my mom pushed and pushed for me to marry him, and I just couldn't do it. I tried to convince myself that I could some day. I loved him, but not enough to marry him and live my mom's life." I finally took a deep breath and pulled away from Ranger. I slid to the edge of the bed and attempted to stand up. Ranger held onto my hand until my eyes locked on his. Finally after several long seconds he released me. I walked into the bathroom and blew my nose and washed my face.
Stopping at the kitchen to grab a bottle of water from the fridge, I took another deep breath and blew it out. Feeling like I finally had control of myself again, I walked back into the bedroom to find that Ranger was sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for me. He'd obviously gotten up as well, because I couldn't miss the black silk boxers lying low on his hips. I walked to the closet and put on Ranger's robe.
I took a deep breath and blurted out, "Joe called me at the hospital and told me that he heard me say I was in love with you."
I looked at Ranger's expressionless face and suddenly the light bulb went on. "You knew he called me, didn't you?"
Ranger nodded his head. "He said he would."
I was shocked. "You talked to him about it?"
"Yes." I watched as Ranger's eyes became unreadable again. We were definitely going to have to work on that.
"When?" I asked.
"The day you were released. I went to take care of some things before taking you home. He was waiting for me in the parking lot at the hospital." I turned away, setting the bottle of water on the nightstand. I paced back and forth for a few minutes while Ranger patiently waited.
"Was it your idea for him to go away for a few weeks?" I asked quietly.
"No, it was his." I knew Ranger would never lie to me, so I believed him.
"Will you tell me about your conversation?"
Ranger watched me for a minute. "Some day maybe."
I thought about pushing further, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know or if I was just being nosy.
"I hurt him so much. I feel so terrible knowing that I considered marrying him just so I could be what everyone wanted me to be. I feel even worse knowing I was in love with you and yet I stayed with him trying to be what everyone expected me to be, the perfect Burg wife. I knew deep down, I think, that I'd never marry him." I walked back over and sat on the bed. This time I reached for and held Ranger's hand.
"I take full responsibility for my actions, but the fact that I knew how you felt about relationships helped me stay in denial. I'd tell myself that you could never love me and it couldn't work with us, so I might as well stay with Joe, get married and make everyone happy. The reality is I was already in love with you. You were always there for me, every single time I needed you. I love you so much. I do. But I wish I hadn't hurt Joe."
"If Morelli had really loved you for yourself, Babe, he wouldn't have tried so hard or so often to change you." Ranger must have read the stricken look on my face or else he was using his ESP again.
"This is different, and you know it. You've asked me to share who I am with you. You wanting to be a part of my life isn't asking me to change who I am. You've never asked me to change who I am for you. Morelli wanted to change who you are, and he could never realize that you're perfect the way you are."
I looked at Ranger, completely stunned. "No one's ever said that to me. Not once in my life has anyone ever told me I was perfect at anything."
"After we spent the night together, after the deal I forced you into, I used to watch you sleep sometimes when you didn't know, when you were staying at my place or when I was staying at yours waiting for Scrog to make his move when he had Julie. I'd lie there next to you and watch you for hours after you fell asleep, and I wanted you so much it was like a madness inside of me. And I'd think about how perfect you were." Ranger lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed my fingers.
"I kept telling myself after all I've seen and done that I didn't deserve you. Over and over I'd watch you walk away with Morelli. Hell, I'd all but shove you into his arms, because I knew I didn't deserve you, that my life was too dangerous to drag you into. It was knowing that and years of strict self-discipline that allowed me to sleep with you and not touch you." I watched as Ranger's barely-there smile tilted up the corners of his mouth.
"And a lot of running and very cold showers," Ranger said, his tone dry and mocking. I smiled back at him and then watched his face as it turned serious again.
"I never knew." My voice was whisper soft. But inside a part of me had known.
"I never intended for you to know, and I'm real good at hiding what I'm feeling." When I smiled he gave me an almost smile back.
"When Scrog had Julie I almost gave it up then and said the hell with it. I almost took from you what I wanted. I was so frightened for my daughter and felt so helpless. I'd wait for you to go to bed and fall asleep, and I'd crawl into bed next to you and pull you into my arms. All I could think about was burying myself inside of you and letting you take away the frustration and the feeling of helplessness for a while, but I couldn't. It wouldn't have been right. You were doing everything in your power to help me, and I couldn't take advantage of you that way."
"So much for being a mercenary," I said with a small smile. Ranger just looked at me.
"You're not a job to me, Steph." Ranger's voice was deadly serious. I lifted my hand and gently brushed his silky hair off of his forehead.
"You've been there every time I've ever needed you. And you were my friend. Helping you find your daughter was the least I could do." I looked at him closely. "I love you."
"I love you too, Babe, which brings us back to my initial question. Where do we go from here?"
I looked at Ranger, needing him to understand my fears. "I don't know. I need to feel like I have a commitment from you. At the same time I guess everything I've told you explains why I'm so messed up about marriage. I just don't know if I'd be any good at it. I look at my mom and Val and Mary Lou, and I'm not even sure I want to get married again. I think I know now that I only married Dickie for my mom's approval. And god only knows what kind of disaster I'd be as a mother."
"Babe, you'd make a wonderful mother. Of course I'd want them to be all boys. If I had a daughter that looked like you, I'd lock her away and kill any boy that came near her." Ranger didn't look like he was joking.
"Ranger, you have a daughter, and I've seen her. She looks like her dad, which means she's gorgeous. I would point out she is not locked away." I knew instantly that my words hurt him.
"I'm sorry. That was thoughtless." Ranger quickly recovered and he leaned forward and kissed me.
"It's not a problem, Babe. You have an admirer there, you know." And now he gifted me with a full on smile.
"I do?" I asked smiling back.
"Since the Scrog ordeal Julie calls me more often, and she sends me e-mails. She laughed the whole time she was telling me about the PMS coffee incident. She told me you're the bravest woman she knows and how you kicked Scrog in the head just before he stunned you."
"She's a great kid. And gutsy like her dad," I said thinking of how she'd launched herself at Scrog to save Ranger and how she'd shot Scrog in the chest.
"Yeah, she is. And it scares the crap out of me. She now wants to be a bond enforcement agent like Steph and work for Rangeman when she gets older." Ranger just gave me a dark look when I started laughing.
"What did you tell her?"
"I called Rachel in a panic. Like you, her mother just laughed and said that Julie will likely change her mind about what she wants to be when she grows up a hundred times between now and when she turns 18. She said if I insist that she gets a college education first, I should be able to buy myself a couple of more years beyond high school, giving myself 12 or 13 years before I need to start panicking." We both laughed for a minute before Ranger turned serious again.
"Let me make this easier for you. I want a commitment from you too. I want you to live with me. I want to go to bed with you at night and wake up with you in my arms every morning," Ranger said.
I hesitated, and then I tried to be as honest as Ranger was being. "I love you. I want to be with you. I'm just not sure --"
"If it will make you more comfortable, I'll pay the rent on your apartment for the next six months. It's already paid up through the end of the month anyway. That way you have somewhere to go if I start to drive you nuts or when I have to go out of town for a while." It didn't surprise me that Ranger would offer to let me keep my apartment. No one understood independence like Ranger.
"I'd like to think you'd be happy staying here while I'm gone, but I don't want you to feel smothered." I laughed at that and earned a scowl.
Finally, taking a very deep breath, I jumped. "I don't think that will be necessary."
Watching Ranger smile, I decided to add, "But maybe you could keep one of the apartments on the fourth floor open for me just in case."
Ranger's smile turned into laughter as he dragged the robe off my body and pulled me down onto the bed. Removing his boxers he again rolled to cover my body with his. The laughter died, and I watched as his eyes once again took on a focused intensity just before I felt him slide into my welcoming body. As Ranger slowly made love to me, all thoughts about the future ceased to exist for both of us.