A/N: Howdy folks – izzzyy here. Did you know I have a twitter? Yep, and I've love more zombie lovers following me. I tweet teasers, pictures, lol links and all sorts of madness. I also have a Twilighted thread (link on my profile) where I pretty much talk to myself. I'd really like to talk to you though, so you should check it out!
Thanks to my lovely KayDee1005 and of course hopefulwager. They turn my hot messes into hot less-messes, and their comments are hysterical.
This chapter is heavy on the lyrics, but I'm hoping you won't mind, since I rewrote most of them.
Please tell me what you think – your votes will determine who wins the karaoke prize!
Chapter 6 – Backstage Pass to Hell
EPOV:
The morning dawned clear and bright, with none of the rain that had been plaguing us for days. Bella stirred in my arms shortly after dawn and murmured, "No, Jake – bad dog!" before settling on her side. I stifled my laughter and made a note to tell Jake of his newest dream status when we went down to breakfast.
Bella finally woke for good just after six and scolded me for letting her sleep so late. "You know, Esme's probably been working on the food for an hour already! Ugh, I need to just get an alarm clock – you never wake me up on time!"
I smiled at her angry kitten routine, which I'd become accustomed to over the weeks. I always took Bella seriously when she was truly angry, but her irritated snits were far too amusing to ignore. Right now she was dragging a brush through her hair, unaware that it was actually making her lust-worthy locks so staticky that it was sticking straight up in the back. It reminded me of that Pippi Longstocking character Alice dressed up as for Halloween each year for the past decade.
I successfully repressed my smile as Bella stormed out of the room, heading toward the kitchen. I knew Esme didn't actually start breakfast until Bella was there, knowing how important it was to her to have a role and something she could contribute to the group. No one had the heart to point out that Esme could easily cook for everyone in a matter of hours, simply because of vampire speed. Carlisle insisted that every human needed a job to feel important and part of the community.
Esme was humming a lullaby and cleaning the already pristine kitchen when we arrived. She'd been acting a bit strangely lately. She was wearing a short-sleeved, button-down blouse with a pencil skirt and pumps, which was a bit more suburban than her normal tastes, and she'd started spending an inordinate amount of time with the few children we housed. She smiled as Bella and I entered the kitchen, taking the time to smooth a crisp white apron over her skirt, placing a feather duster on the counter.
"I'm so sorry, Esme. Edward forgot to wake me up," Bella ranted, sending me a pointed glance. Esme smiled graciously and straightened her pearls as she winked at me, knowing I wouldn't allow Bella to make me feel guilty.
"It's no problem, Bella dear. You need your sleep! I figure we'll do pancakes today. I've got everything all set out and ready to go."
I kissed Bella softly before she crossed the kitchen and joined Esme. "I'm going to leave you ladies to it and go check on Rachel. Oh, and Angela's on her way down to help as well," I noted, sensing Angela coming down the north stairway.
"Give Rachel our love," Esme called as I headed out the door. I gave her a thumbs up without turning around to let her know I'd heard her and smiled at Angela as we passed in the hallway. She yawned and returned a sleepy grin as she ricocheted off the doorframe and into the kitchen.
The hotel slowly filled with noises of waking humans and emerging vampires, the latter often hiding on the upper floors of different wings at night in an attempt to get some privacy from one another. I knocked once before entering Carlisle's study and then the infirmary, where he was checking Rachel's temperature.
"How's the patient, doc? Is she ready to be your naughty nurse again?" I asked, noting the slightly rosier tint to Rachel's cheeks and Carlisle's optimistic thoughts.
"Ew, Edward, how uncouth. Besides, you know Esme would kill me. She's one soccer mom I would never cross," Rachel grumbled, hiding her smile behind her long, still-tangled hair. "Speaking of, doc, do you think Mama Esme could help me take a shower? I feel disgusting after being touched by that thing, and all sweaty too."
Carlisle made a notation on his clipboard and laughed, "I'm sure Esme will have no problem with that once she and Bella have finished making breakfast. Though she keeps muttering something about school supplies…" His voice trailed off, sounding confused. "Has she said anything to you about school supplies, Edward?"
"No," I responded, scratching the back of my neck out of habit. "Maybe she's got plans for the kids to do school work or something?"
"That's probably right on the mark, though I'm sure the kids will be resistant. I'm just glad they're coping as well as they are. Maybe school would be a good idea – or at least arts and crafts time. They need a chance to just be kids."
"That's a pretty good idea, Carlisle. I'll make sure we bring it up at the meeting. I think Alice said they were a little vulgar, so they're going to do them at lunch while Esme takes the kids to the roof to run around a bit. Emmett said he'd set up a basketball hoop for them to play with."
I settled on the cot next to Rachel and ruffled her hair, ducking when she took a playful swing at me. "So how are you feeling?" I asked her, genuinely concerned but happy to see her still feisty.
"Okay, actually. Carlisle says the fever's down but I still feel pretty run down and tired."
"You're still going to need a lot of rest, so no naughty nurse for you yet," Carlisle added. "But the fact that the fever's gone and you're still in your right mind is a good sign. The pack will be relieved and we can send the vampires out to retrieve samples soon."
"Ugh, I can't believe you're bringing another one in here after all this. I mean, I get why, but it just seems like it's tempting fate," Rachel muttered, and Carlisle smiled sadly.
"I know, Rach, and I will forever carry the guilt of Mike attacking you. This time we'll keep a vampire with the Forsaken at all times to make sure it's watched every second. I can't believe I was foolish enough to make that mistake, but again, I think they're smarter than we realized, which also means they're playing dumb – and I want to know why. If they have intelligence, perhaps they can be trained to coexist."
"Are you crazy, Carlisle?!" Rachel cried. "They eat human flesh – there's no way we can coexist when they're trying to eat us."
I coughed pointedly and she immediately looked chagrined.
"That's different, Edward – you choose. And when this is all over, the other vampires will probably eat us anyway. The zombies don't seem to be choosing. I mean, Mike went after Jessica and then me. It's obvious he's trying to do damage. I don't know if we could ever trust them. At least the vamps were sneaky about eating humans before this mess!"
I snorted. "Right, because not knowing is so much better – at least if zombies were in the open you could avoid them!"
Rachel opened her mouth to respond but Carlisle cut her off, "Cut it out, you two. Rachel, would you like Edward to bring you some breakfast? Esme should be finished making it and she can help you bathe afterward. I think Esme said they're having pancakes, and you didn't get many calories yesterday."
"Oh, yes please, Edward, if you don't mind. I'm starving!"
"No prob Rach, I'll be right back."
I zipped out of the room and down to the kitchen using vampire speed. Time wasn't of the essence, but sometimes it was nice to blow off some steam and run just for the hell of it. I longed for the days when I could run all the way to Canada and back without worrying about Bella's safety. A few rogue vampires seemed like nothing compared to an army of undead brain eaters who could actually figure out how to get to her.
I was torn out of my introspection by Rosalie rudely waving a hand in front of my face. "Earth to Emoward, come in! How is Rachel?" I looked around and noticed the dining area had gotten quiet while waiting for my response.
"Oh! She's feeling a lot better. Her fever's gone and Carlisle sent me to get her breakfast. I think she's going to be okay," I mumbled, kind of embarrassed, but the room erupted in cheers and I smiled stupidly. I may be a moody bastard but it was gratifying to bring good news to a room full of worried people.
I took Rachel her breakfast and then returned to the kitchen to help Bella and some of the other humans do the dishes. The morning passed quickly with groups of humans and vampires coming and going, doing laundry and gardening. After lunch, Esme and Rosalie herded the kids upstairs to play while Alice introduced the various groups participating in the karaoke contest.
I have to admit – I was pretty impressed with the results. Once everyone got over groaning that karaoke was lame, they really got into it. Jacob and Paul were the first to go with Leah and Emily dressed up in funny, slightly skanky outfits as back up dancers.
Jacob nodded to Alice who hit a button on my laptop, playing the first strains of "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot. I cringed, wondering who had put that musical monstrosity on my laptop and when, but was quickly distracted by the crowd already laughing at the group's synchronized dance moves.
"We like kicking your butt and we cannot lie!
No wolfy can deny -
when a zombie walks in with a rotting face
and it gets all in your space
we FURSPLODE!
Wanna kick your butt
cause your whole body stinks!
Eye deep in the way you're staring
not noticing the rags you're wearing,
oh baby, I wanna just hit ya
and burn stuff witcha.
My homewolves try to warn me
cause watch out boy – the Fig is horny!
Oh rotting off skin
you say you want to nom on Ben?
Well try it and you'll die for it
I'll strike and won't deny it!
Zombies watch your back!"
Paul started faux-beatboxing and the crowd went wild, clapping and hooting as Em and Leah went into a mind-bending array of body-twisting displays. Sam alternated between staring longingly at Emily and glaring at the room full of people who dared look at her in her tight cut off shorts. Jasper sent some calm over to Sam who glared at him before finally laughing and realizing that he was being silly. He stood up and clapped along with everyone else when the group came to their fake-scratching dancing close.
Alice gave Leah and Emily the go ahead to go change before they sang their song and called up Jared and Paul, who were both wearing faded Red Sox t-shirts. I figured they'd be rapping like Jacob and Paul, but the dulcet tones of "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond floated across the room instead. I wasn't the only one surprised – the audience looked bemused as Jared and Colin started swaying comically to the beat, snapping their fingers and putting on soppy faces, singling out girls in the crowd to serenade.
"When it began I can't pretend to know why
But now that it's here I know that I
Fell very strong and so undeadly alive
Who'd of believed we'd be here alone
Hands, cut off hands reaching out
Touching me, touching you
Oh sweet – zombiefied! (Dun dun dun!)
Dead brains never seemed so good (so good! So good! So good!)
I've been inclined (dun dun dun!)
to think they never would (but they do!)
And now I look at the night, woah
It's not so dark and scary
We fill it up by eating Toms and Marys
And when I hurt
My limbs just fall right off now
And I don't bother picking them up"
Jared and Colin worked the ballad like Vegas performers, winking at girls and getting the crowd to sing along with them to the chorus. A pair of red lacy panties flew from the crowd and hit Colin in the face. Jake blew him a kiss and Colin dropped the panties pronto, spluttering the next few lines.
"Hands, cut off hands reaching out
Touching me, touching you
Oh sweet – zombiefied! (Dun dun dun!)
Dead brains never seemed so good (so good! So good! So good!)
I've been inclined (dun dun dun!)
to think they never would (but they do!)"
Colin walked up one of the humans who joined us from the Midwest and winked again, presenting her with a short-stemmed rose he pulled out of his back pocket. I had to admit it – the kid had game. The girl, whose name was Rebecca, blushed and took it, swiftly kissing Colin on the cheek before covering her face with her hands. Alice glanced at me and I saw her vision of Colin and Rebecca kissing in the moonlight and we both smiled. Perhaps life could go on, even in the midst of the apocalypse.
"Well, we might as well continue with the wolves – they're kicking ass!" Alice laughed and the crowd cheered again, just for the hell of it. Alice was a genius – I hadn't been paying enough attention to the thoughts of the humans to realize how low they'd been feeling.
"Let's pick up the pace with some Bob Seger. Quil and Embry are going do something with 'Old Time Rock and Roll' so let's hear it for them!" Alice was in full MC mode, and the crowd got even louder as the guys walked to the front in tighty whities and dress shirts, wearing white socks and sunglasses, holding hairbrushes. As the music started, they started shaking their hips Elvis-style and sang into the hairbrushes like microphones.
"Just take those cans of beans off the shelf
We'll just toss them – I won't eat them, myself
Today's canned goods ain't got the same soul
I like a big thing of brains in a bowl!
Don't try to make me eat some Crisco
I'll just start hurling all it over the floor
Just throw that nasty stuff out the door
I like a big thing of brains in a bowl
Still like a big thing of brains in a bowl
I like eating things that once had a soul
I'll eat them heated up or eat them cold
Just a big thing of brains in a bowl
Don't want pineapple or mango
I'd rather eat what comes and goes
Only way you can make me go
Serve me a big thing of brains in a bowl
Call me a zombie call me whatcha will
I like my food live, but standing still
Make sure the heart's beatin and it's got a soul
I like a big thing of brains in a bowl
Still like a big thing of brains in a bowl
I like eating things that once had a soul
I'll eat them heated up or eat them cold
but I like a big thing of brains in a bowl!"
The older crowd especially liked that one, and Sue Clearwater stood up and started wolf-whistling and dancing as the boys finished up. It was nice to see her loosen up – as the "pack mother" of sorts, she'd been under incredible stress when Rachel was attacked.
"Wow, guys! That was awesome! Let's hear it again for Embry and Quil!" Alice called from the front, and everyone clapped the guys on the back as they returned to their seats.
"And now for our only solo act," Alice called out. "You're brave, Seth, I gotta give you that. With a little Garth Brooks and 'Friends in Low Places,' let's hear it for Seth Clearwater!"
Seth had been skulking out in the hallway, but I finally understood why. He walked in to cheers and catcalls wearing tight jeans, a huge silver belt buckle, cowboy boots and a hat. I had no idea where he found it all, but it actually looked pretty good on him. He grabbed a pitcher we'd been using to serve water and turned to the ground.
"Everyone's got to pretend this is beer – Mom won't let me have any," he admitted, grinning ruefully, and the room burst into laughter. He blushed and nodded to Alice, who started the song and Seth began to sing in an uncanny country twang.
"Blame it all on my roots
I showed up in boots
And laughed at Edward's emo hair
The last one to know
I was the last one to show
I was off with my head in a hole somewhere
And I saw the surprise
And the fear in his eyes
When I caught Mike Newton running around
I tripped his ass
Watched him fall over with a splash
And flail all over the ground
Cause I got friends with no faces
Cause they all got bit in bad places the other day
They won't be okay
I'm not big on stinky places
I came thinkin' Forks was an oasis
And now I've got friends with no faces!
Well I guess I was wrong
Clearly I don't belong
'Cause Alice makes me sit on the floor
She wiggles her toes
Makes me paint them 'til they glow
And then she shoves me out the door
Hey I didn't mean
To be so serene
Your boyfriend – he fucks with my head
And everywhere I look
Bella's head's in a book
And we're surrounded by the living dead
Cause I got friends with no faces
Cause they all got bit in bad places the other day
They won't be okay
I'm not big on stinky places
I came thinkin' Forks was an oasis
And now I've got friends with no faces!"
Seth had been toasting people and taking big swigs out of the pitcher. I had to admit I was pretty impressed with his showmanship – he even sounded like Garth Brooks, and the group absolutely loved it. As he finished and took a goofy bow, one of Rebecca's friends stole her rose and threw it at him, theater-style. Seth laughed and stuck it between his teeth, bowing again before running from the room thinking "Ugh, these pants are so tight my boys are getting squished!" I tried to repress my shudder from thinking about Seth's balls and turned back to the front.
"One last wolf group and then we'll let the vampires have their turn. Leah and Emily are going to sing 'Don't Stop Believing' by Journey!"
Emily and Leah had changed into normal clothes and looked much more comfortable. They waved to the crowd, blowing their boyfriends kisses and took their place at the front of the dining room. The music started and they bobbed their heads, singing together as Leah pretended to beat the tables as drums and Emily played air guitar along with the cheesy 80s riffs.
"Just a small town girl – Forks is like the end of the world
Went to Port Angeles just to escape
Just a city boy – making lots of groaning noise
Was in Port Angeles when he escaped
Standing in a hospital room
From dawn until after noon
He comes in and takes a bite
It goes on and on and on and on
Stopping; Staring – they lock eyes for just a moment
She starts laughing – brains in his teeeeeth
Breathing; Screaming
She stares at him in disbelief
Silence, heavy – they fall in love in the nigggght!
She rides him from dawn until
She's finally finished getting her thrills
Orgasms twice a night
It goes on and on and on and on
Stopping; Staring – they lock eyes for just a moment
She starts laughing – brains in his teeeeeth
Breathing; Screaming
She stares at him in disbelief
Silence, heavy – they fall in love in the nigggght!
Don't stop the bleedin'
Love can be all too fleetin'
Don't stop the bleedin' feel the looooove!"
The room erupted into cheers and hollers with Paul jumping across a table to pick Leah up and swing her in a circle, laughing.
"Well, it looks like the vamps have a ridiculously tough act to follow – you were all spectacular, guys! Thanks to all of you!" The crowd kept cheering and Alice beamed with pride. I could tell by her thoughts that the event was even more successful than she'd hoped, and we were only halfway done.
"Okay, okay, we're not done yet, guys! First up from the vamp side – everybody's favorite threesome, Peter, Charlotte and Maria!" Jasper glared at Alice and covered his face with his palm, but the three vamps just laughed and made their way to the front. Maria stuck her tongue out at Alice, but Alice just laughed and started the music. "Mandy" by Barry Manilow floated through the air and the trio started swaying comically, overacting to the hilt.
"I remember all my life
My skin was as hard and cold as ice.
A shadow of a man
taking lives in the night
the night goes into
morning, just another day
until a zombie passed my way
looking at its eyes
all cloudy and disgusting
I never realized
the things we were discussing
Oh zombie...
well you came, and you gave without taking...
but I sent you away.
Oh zombie...
well you hit me and bit me like bacon,
and then you did eat my brains... Oh zombie!
Standing on the edge of time
Zombie's eating that human that was mine
I totally called him
he looked delicious
And now they're all over him
and they're eating him – vicious!
Oh zombie...
well you came, and you gave without taking...
but I sent you away.
Oh zombie...
well you hit me and bit me like bacon,
and then you did eat my brains... Oh zombie!"
The humans looked at the trio a bit sourly, well aware that the vampires were complaining about zombies eating the humans they wanted to eat, but Paul started giggling in a weird, high-pitched voice and his laughter was infections.
"I'm not entirely sure you really feel the spirit of the game," Emily scolded them, but the vampires laughed and took pretend bows.
"Actually, I'm kind of getting used to the vegetarian thing," Peter confessed. "I never thought I'd say that, but the mountain lions up in Canada aren't that different from human blood," he continued, looking somewhat contrite. "All that shit I gave you, Jasper, and I think you're right – there are a lot of assholes in the world, but it's hard to think of eating humans now that I've gotten to know some."
That statement brought even louder cheers, and Carlisle strode forward to clap Peter on the shoulder. Bella giggled beside me and whispered, "Oh God – this response reminds me of when I was little and Grandma Marie made me go to church camp. Everyone would cheer when someone would accept Jesus. It's Jesus camp, Edward!" she started laughing and I kissed her forehead, glad to see her so at ease.
"Well, that was unexpected!" Alice chirped as the crowd started to quiet. "But that's another discussion for another day. For now, let's get to the Denali sisters with Britney Spears' 'Piece of Me!'"
Kate, Tanya and Irina all strode to the front of the room in jeans and matching tight t-shirts, cut low to reveal their cleavage. The succubus sisters were at it again, seducing wolf, vamp and human men alike. As they started to groove to the heavy grinding beat, more than a few women were showing interest, too.
"Lived the American dream since before 1917
Drinking from bears and staring down the snowy Alaska scene
Now you're walking around dead like a B movie king
do you want a piece of us?
We eat animals for good karma, don't want your zombie drama
So go pick on someone else, like you're zombie baby mama
We'll protect everyone here until the day you're in the clear
do you want a piece of us?
It's hardly Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
(do you want a piece of us?)
And it's all because zombies are shameless
(do you want a piece of us?)
We're stuck with all the wolves and this just in –
(do you want a piece of us?)
you zombies sure fuck up our Zen!
(do you want a piece of us?)
You come to our camp and we'll start it all off
we'll rip you limb from limb without sparing a thought
send you retreating in havoc
with less brains than you brought
do you want a piece of us?
It's hardly Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
(do you want a piece of us?)
And it's all because zombies are shameless
(do you want a piece of us?)
We're stuck with all the wolves and this just in –
(do you want a piece of us?)
you zombies sure fuck up our Zen!
(do you want a piece of us?)"
The girls ended to thunderous applause and a few sour looks from the females in the crowd who did not appreciate their men being sorely tempted by the vampire babes. Tanya shot me a wink and laughed, knowing they'd caused some waves, but her thoughts showed it was innocent fun and they'd never pursue an attached male, no matter what they circumstances.
"Well, that was, uh… Well, that certainly was something!" Alice trilled, and Irina looked a teensy bit guilty. "Don't worry, ladies – these three are strictly look but don't touch, so you have nothing to worry about!" The three behind her nodded eagerly then headed back to their seats, exchanging high fives.
"Next up are Garrett and Eleazar singing 'Heartbreak Hotel' by Elvis Presley!"
I burst into laughter as the boys stepped forward, both wearing rhinestone jumpsuits with aviator sunglasses.
"Where the hell did they find those?" Bella said, staring with her jaw wide open.
"I have no idea, but they really went all out, didn't they? I mean, they only had about 8 hours to work on it, though knowing those two, they had them already for some reason we don't want to know. I know Kate has a thing for Elvis," my voice trailed off and I shuddered, trying to repress any ideas of Kate and Garrett role-playing Elvis and Priscilla in the bedroom.
"I heard that, Edward!" Kate called, shaking her finger at me from a few tables over.
"Thank you, thank you very much!" Garrett called from the front, quieting the crowd as the music started to play and they began to sing.
"Well since my baby got bit
had to find a new place to dwell
This place on the edge of Forks you see
called zombie hotel!
Well I ain't lonely
Got lots of company
But with our help no one will die
It's hardly over crowded
we've got plenty of room
but we're sitting in the lobby singing
about zombies and doom
Well I ain't lonely
Got lots of company
but with our help no one will die
Well the bellhops tried to eat us
and they were all dressed in black
we kicked them out the fence somehow
they won't be coming back
Well I ain't lonely
Got lots of company
But with our help no one will die
Now if your baby gets bit
and you have a good tale to tell
don't scream and shout – come check us out
at the zombie motel
Well I ain't lonely
Got lots of company
But with our help no one will die!"
After gratuitous hip thrusting and lip curling, the boys finished up to applause and the contest was at an end.
"Did you guys enjoy that?" Alice asked the crowd, getting them to stand up and cheer. "Excellent! Jasper and I are going to have a ballot box up here at the front. Please remember to vote for your favorite act today and we'll announce the winner after dinner. Now, one last song before we go finish our chores, and I think it's particularly apt in our situation, so you're all going to have to sing along!" She grinned and hit the play key one last time.
The strains of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" pumped out of the speakers, and everyone began cheering and chanting along with the music, busting out their favorite 70s disco moves and screaming at the top of their lungs.
Jasper sat with his arms crossed at the side of the room, and I took note of the emotions he was feeling from the room – hope. After weeks of confinement, the room still had hope that we'd find a way out of this mess.
For the first time in ages, I felt alive.
Thanks for reading – please don't forget to vote!