A/N: Hi everyone. Thanks for your patience over the past couple of weeks. I appreciate it.
Thank you everyone for the reviews and the favourites/alerts. They mean A LOT trust me :D
I hope you are all still enjoying this and that both the mixture of flashbacks and the length is still okay? I didn't get much feedback on my last chapter, so I hope this is still up to standards!
So, here we go. The next chapter.
They were still laid on the table when they both heard a light knock and Quinn's head pushed through the door.
"Hey finally guys. I should have known you were in here. I've been to like, all of the locker rooms and the gym and underneath the bleachers and at the top of the bleachers and-"
"Oh my God Fabray, breath; you'll give yourself an aneurysm." Santana's lilting voice was followed by Brittany's arm stuck out and her fingers wiggling. Quinn smiled at the familiar gesture and pulled out the chair from underneath their table, flopped down onto it and propped her legs against the table's edge.
"Sorry. Angry." Quinn jumped slightly at the feel of a warm hand on her shin, and Santana's hand squeezed gently in silent thanks. Brittany smiled softly at the sight, but she suddenly flashed back to the choir room and everything she had said; flushing hot and red at the memory.
"Um, San?" Brittany's voice was small, and she pulled away from Santana, curling in on herself a little. Santana frowned at Brittany's movement and hummed to indicate she was listening. "I kinda, well, um, you know how when I get angry or confused or upset, I tend to just, say everything connected to what I'm angry or confused or upset about?" Santana frowned and sat up so that she could look into Brittany's face, when she saw the frightened, worried expression her face was pulled into, her stomach dropped and her heart clenched in worry.
"Yeah. Did something happen after I left?" Santana's eyes shifted between Quinn and Brittany, waiting for one of them to explain. Quinn wasn't giving any hints, she just looked (it wasn't even a stare) defiantly back at Santana, and Brittany opened and closed her mouth several times before she cleared her throat and swallowed loudly.
"Um, I told them." Santana couldn't process what Brittany was trying to say, it was like she was hearing Brittany through a wall of clear syrup, she could see the movement of Brittany's lips (those beautiful pale pink lips that were so soft and offered her so many kisses and words of comfort) but her ears couldn't understand the muffled words. "I'm sorry S, but they were blaming you and being so mean, and saying that you had no reason to be acting like this, especially as Blaine was the only one that got hurt and, and, I'm so sorry." Brittany's words were spilled from her mouth like oil from a breached hull, coating Santana in a slick shiny layer that couldn't wash off and made her feel dirty and ashamed all over again.
Santana couldn't speak. Her emotions were so confused, tumbling and tripping over one another, contradicting one another, pushing one another out of the way. She felt betrayed and hurt and angry and sick and ashamed and broken and exposed.
But this was Brittany.
This was her Brittany.
She would never make her feel any of these things on purpose; but knowing that didn't stop her from feeling them. She sat up abruptly, pulled her legs from underneath Brittany's longer, paler ones and yanked her arm aggressively away from both the blondes.
"Please don't be angry Santana, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out. I promise. I-" Santana cut off Brittany's rambling with a hurt look (that she was desperate to make cold) and lifted her hand upwards, palm faced towards Brittany.
"Stop. I'm going home. I, fuck Britt!" Brittany recoiled from Santana and sat up, trying to stop any tears from leaking down her face, but Santana took a step back and pulled her arms around herself. "I need, I need to be alone. I don't want to be mad at you Britt. I just. Fuck! They all know? Fuck! How could you – fuck!" Santana punched the closest table in frustration and both Quinn and Brittany flinched.
"Come on Santana, she didn't –"
"Shut up Quinn. I'm serious, I'm going home, and I need to be alone. I'll call you when I feel less like yelling at you until I can't speak anymore." Santana let out another frustrated sigh and walked out of the room without looking back at either of them.
Quinn watched helplessly and one of her best friends stormed out of the room and the other collapsed into a ball on the table, as empty, raw sobs bounced around the room.
"Santana? That you?" Santana's eyes were scratchy and dry from the sudden unstoppable burst of tears that had caused her to pull over twice on the way home and the sound of her mother's voice shocked her. She walked into the kitchen where her mother was stood at the counter with half a dozen Tupperware boxes laid out in front of her and a pot of stew warming on the stove top.
"Hey mami. What are you doing back? I thought you and dad were away for at lest another week?" Eloise noticed Santana's swollen eyes and the scratchiness of her voice, but knew her daughter better than to push the matter straight away.
"I got a panicked call from one of my patients, so I'm back today and tomorrow morning, then I'm going back to join your father. How was school?" Santana shrugged and fiddled with the closest lid popping and un-popping it from the container. Eloise watched her for several minutes, until it was obvious she wasn't going to get anything more than that. "Has something happened? You look upset?" Santana shrugged again, but her face creased and crumpled with the effort of once again trying not to cry. Eloise hadn't ever seen Santana this broken (although she had heard many nights of tears this time last year) and she rushed around the counted to pull Santana close towards her.
"I had an argument with Brittany." The words were mumbled into Eloise's shirt, but they still reached her ears. Despite her broken, crying daughter, clinging like a limpet to her front, Eloise couldn't help the small smile. She reached a hand to Santana's face and brushed at some of the tears.
"Well, I hope she knows how important she is then. All these tears just for her. Do you want to talk about it?" Eloise knew when to push and when to let Santana drift, and she was amazed that Santana hadn't pulled away sooner. She felt Santana shake her head, then take a large breath through her nose and release it through her teeth.
"No. I'm going to go and have a bath then go to bed." She pulled away and stood straight, violently teasing at the skin underneath her eyes to remove the evidence of her tears and yanked her shirt to smooth the creases. She smiled grimly and walked out of the kitchen. Eloise hated that her daughter felt the need to push down all these strong, obviously painful emotions, to hide what she perceived as weakness behind a cold barrier and she couldn't (didn't want to) stop the words from bursting into the kitchen as Santana reached the doorway.
"I love you. So does your father." Santana nodded and looked over her shoulder, the smile slightly less forced, before she walked up the stairs.
Santana had spent Saturday staying in bed, alternating from doing her homework and bringing up Brittany's number on her phone, only to exit her contacts list and lock the screen. Her mum came in to bring her food, and would sit awkwardly on the edge of the bed not speaking in the hope of Santana telling her what happened. She instead would stare at the garishly bright canvas Brittany's little sister had made Santana, after the evening when she and Brittany sat Ashley down to have the most awkward conversation about their relationship ever. Santana appreciated her mother's gesture, but appreciated it more when she would smile, pat her leg or kiss her forehead and close the door.
Sunday morning, Eloise pushed into Santana's room with breakfast, dressed for work. "Here is breakfast Santana, I'm headed back to the conference today, will you be okay if I leave?"
"Yes mum! For the last time, I. Will. Be. Fine. I'm not breakable; I'm just enjoying a weekend by myself." Santana couldn't help the frustration sparkling through her words, but her eyes were soft and thankful. Eloise nodded and kissed her forehead, lips lingering a little and her fingers brushed once through Santana's hair.
"Eat up. I'll let you know when I'm leaving okay?" It was less than half an hour later when Santana heard an assertive knock, and Santana sighed, awaiting her mother's head to push around the door and to say she was leaving. But the person on the other side hadn't pushed the door open. And her mother rarely knocked. Santana frowned slightly.
"Um, come in?"
The door opened a little and their head pushed through the gap. Santana hadn't opened her curtains and in the relative dimness of the room, all she saw was length of dark brown hair. Their body followed, blinding white shirt with doily-lace edging and collars, a short dark skirt and mustard yellow knee high socks that made Santana's nose physically crinkle.
"Berry?" Santana was shocked into stillness for a few seconds, then self consciously pulled her duvet closer around her chest. "What do you want?" Santana's eyes narrowed as she watched Rachel push the door closed and curiously looked around the room. Santana heard her mum's voice filter up the stairs saying goodbye, and she sent a quick text to her in acknowledgement. When she looked up from the screen, Rachel still hadn't moved. "Berry!" Rachel jumped at the volume and her eyes snapped back to Santana's face. "What do you want?"
She cleared her throat and pushed her palms down her skirt nervously before walking towards Santana's desk chair and sitting on the edge delicately, hands clasped in her lap. "I um, I wanted to, um, well, I wanted to apologise. I realise that I slightly, well, over-reacted and what Finn said was unacceptable and well, you must feel terrible after what happened with Sebastian, I know if it happened to me how torn up I would be about it and how –"
"Rachel. Breath."
"Right. Well, I thought I would come as a representative of New Directions to say that, um, well, that we were out of line, especially Finn, but you can see why he was upset, I mean, you didn't tell any of us, we could have helped you get through this traumatic time –"
"Okay, stop Berry. Enough. You've managed to make your apology to me about yourself, you can go now." The sharpness in Santana's voice made Rachel's eyes widen, and her hands clenched tighter.
"Right. I just. I'm sorry Santana."
"I don't need your pity or your apology Berry. If it weren't for the fact that you and certain others seam incapable of making Brittany feel like shit, you wouldn't know anything. You've done your 'duty'; so you can go now." Rachel nodded slowly and stood up.
"Okay. Well, I will see you on Monday Santana. Have a good rest of your day." Rachel had her hand on the door handle when suddenly a thought hit Santana.
"Rachel?" Rachel spun around an expectant look on her face and her hands tucked neatly into her sides. "You better make your apology to Brittany better." Rachel opened her mouth as if to argue, but quickly snapped her mouth shut and nodded once before walking out of the door and closing it behind her.
Santana walked through the corridors on Monday, sure that everyone would know what Sebastian had done to her (every time she started to blame herself she would hear Brittany's voice and picture the blond, hands on hips, face crumpled in attempted anger) and that the cruel words and judgement would soon follow.
But they didn't.
Just the normal stares that had persevered after being outed by Finn and the subsequent campaign, mostly from Josh's friends. She turned the finial corner to her locker, and saw Brittany slumped against her locker, her finger tripping up and down the grooves and indents and scratches. She couldn't help the small smile and the zing of anger that she had once again hurt her. "Hey Britt." Santana reached out and placed her palm at the top of Brittany's spine, then stroked downwards towards her hip and she came face to face with Brittany.
Brittany's smile was tentative, and Santana felt another spark of anger at herself. "Hey Santana."
"Thanks for giving me some space this weekend Britt, I really appreciate it. I um, I'm sorry I yelled at you, I was just really frightened, and I was angry, but not really at you, just that it had happened and it meant a lot that you defended me, and -" Suddenly, warm hands were pressed against Santana's cheeks and soft, slightly lip-gloss sticky lips were against her own.
"You were rambling Sanny. It's adorable, but I do need to be on time to my lesson, and I was starting to think you wouldn't stop until you got hungry." Brittany's smile was wide and she pinched Santana's cheek between her fingers affectionately.
"So I'm forgiven?" Santana's forehead was creased, her nose scrunched and her bottom lips between her teeth in anxiety.
"There was nothing to be forgiven for. Well, you had to forgive me for telling everyone, but you said you have, so we're okay. I mean, we are right?" Brittany's head tilted, her lips slightly parted in question, and Santana couldn't help but kissing them once again before she nodded and ran her finger down Brittany's nose. "Good. Good. Okay. And thank you for making Rachel to apologise to me. But I have to go to Physics. I can't be late." Santana nodded, but Brittany's fingertips were still pressing at the skin of Santana's cheek and her body hadn't moved.
"Thought you couldn't be late?" Santana's eyebrow quirked, but her hands at Brittany's waist tightened as the bell rang and the corridor suddenly burst with activity.
Brittany shrugged and moved one hand into Santana's ponytail. "Pfft, I'm awesome at Physics, I can wait five minutes." Santana couldn't stop the bubble of a giggle and leant her head against Brittany's shoulder.
"You sure are Britt-Britt. You sure are."
They didn't go to Glee that afternoon. Santana wasn't ready to be in a room surrounded by people who knew that she hadn't been strong enough to stop the (she took a deep breath, she could think this word, just four little letters) rape. It would be claustrophobic and after Rachel's rather surprising (if still defiantly self-centred) apology she was sure everyone else would try and say something to her.
It would be too much, too soon.
She text Brittany after her last lesson to let her know that she wasn't going, but that it wasn't because she was angry or upset. Brittany didn't reply as quickly as normal, and Santana was almost by the main front doors before her phone vibrated and Brittany's message appeared. It was a blank text and Santana's forehead creased in confusion, until she saw the little paper clip attachment sign and opened the picture. Brittany was laid along the bonnet of Santana's car, trying to look carefree and like all those girls modelling swim wear in glossy magazines. But the effect was slightly spoiled (but made definitely more Brittany) by the warm Cheerios jacket that hugged her torso and the brightly coloured knee high socks (one striped and one spotty) just visible below the red Cheerios issue jogging bottoms (that Santana was sure were her's as they fell at least two inches above Brittany's shoes). She wasn't looking at the camera, instead staring off into the distance (that Santana knew faced the school wall, but Brittany made it seem like it was the most interesting sight she had ever seen) but her finger was crocked towards the camera and Santana laughed softly at the image.
"You ready to go home Sanny-San-Bear?" Brittany giggled musically at Santana's cocked eyebrow. "Too much?"
"Yeah Britty, too much. You don't need to come home with me, I just don't feel like being surrounded by them all, you know? But I want you to go, you and Mike and Tina were starting to get some of the routines sorted right?" Santana walked over to Brittany and leant her hip where the bonnet met the windscreen.
"No one listened to me much anyway, and Mike said that he and Tina would go through everything with me if I wanted anyway. And I wanted to spend the afternoon with my super hot girlfriend." Brittany smirked mischievously while Santana dipped her head to avoid Brittany's eye before pushing aside a non-existent fringe and looking back up.
"Well then, you should probably stop lounging on my car and go get her." Brittany smiled and tilted her head, swinging her body around to fully face Santana, then tugged on her shoulders and wrapped her legs around her waist.
"Got you." She whispered before she rubbed their noses together. "Now, how 'bout we go back to yours and watch a movie?" Santana smiled and pulled Brittany closer before she nodded and pressed their lips together, soft and quick.
They were half way through 'Finding Nemo' and Santana was having problems breathing from laughing at Brittany's impression of speaking whale, when Quinn's head appeared in the gap of the open door.
"Hey guys. We weren't really feeling the 'we are a big singing family' vibe today. I hope that's okay?" Brittany nodded and smiled wide, extending her arm to welcome Quinn onto the bed.
"Wait. We?" Santana shuffled closer to Brittany and squeezed her fingers tightly. "Who's we?" Santana's voice was sharp and Quinn's smile slipped a little.
"Um, Mercedes, Tina and I. They asked about coming to see you last week, and I thought it would be okay. Sam and Mike said to say hello too, but they didn't want you to feel, um, overwhelmed or anything." Santana held Quinn's gaze for several seconds before she shrugged, dropping her head onto Brittany's shoulder and training her gaze back to the TV. Quinn still looked unsure, moving her gaze to Brittany, silently asking her to translate. She didn't move until Brittany nodded slightly, when she moved away from the doorway and walked back down to the hallway where Mercedes and Tina were waiting.
"Be nice San, please. They aren't here to be mean. And they've stood up for you before." Santana sighed at Brittany's plea, but sat up straighter and relaxed her grip on Brittany's hand.
"Yeah, 'k Britt." She leant across and cupped her face before kissing her.
"Aw Satan and her Princess being all cute." Brittany's checks dusted with rose red and Santana felt her whole body tingle with warmth. Mercedes walked into the room closely followed by Tina who both went and sat on the window seat. "Seriously girl, you and Brittany okay?"
"Yeah, we wanted to come by and just say that we hope you guys are okay and that what Finn said was wrong." Tina's quiet gentle voice was oddly soothing to Santana, especially added to the gentle scratch of Brittany's fingers at the base of her neck.
"Yeah, thanks. It's a little…odd knowing that everyone knows and everything, but um, Britt's being, um, good." Santana felt her cheeks darken as she muttered 'lame' under her breath.
Brittany's fingers scratched a little harder and her smile widened at Santana's words. "Thanks for sticking up for Sanny and me as well guys, Quinn told me what you said after I left. Where is Quinn by the way?"
"Oh, she's talking to your mum about an Unholy Trinity plus two night?" Mercedes answered curiously. Santana met Brittany's eye and they both couldn't help laughing out loud.
They were thirteen at the first Unholy Trinity night, although then, it was just a sleepover. Brittany and Santana were lounged along the couch under a single worn blanket adorned with different coloured ducks and its fair share of stains, whilst Quinn was curled up in the adjacent chair with her sleeping bag twisted around her waist. It would rustle every time she so much as a muscle moved and Santana huffed in frustration each time, until Brittany took her hand under the cover and pressed at the spaces between Santana's knuckles with her other hand, and suddenly Santana couldn't hear the movie, let alone Quinn's rustling, over the blood that was rushing in her ears or find enough air to breath let alone to waste over her frustration at Quinn.
Brittany jumped at the sound of the bowl thumping onto the coffee table and the whoosh of the sleeping bag as it puddled onto the floor around Quinn's ankles. "I'm going to make some more popcorn, do you guys want anything?" Brittany looked at Santana, who was still concentrating on not suffocating, and turned back to Quinn.
"No, we're fine thanks Q." Quinn looked between them hesitantly, then shrugged feeling like she was being left out of something –
"Of course, I was being left out of something. Those two have been sickly sweat towards each other forever, they just got worse and worse at hiding it." Quinn interrupted as she walked into the door and slumped on the end of the bed.
"Hush Fabray and let Britt finish." Santana scolded before she kissed the bottom of Brittany's jaw. "Ignore the interrupting cow and continue B."
When Brittany was sure that Quinn was in the kitchen, she pulled her hand from under the blanket and twisted a strand of Santana's dark hair between her fingers. She had loved the completely different texture of Santana's hair compared to her own, and ever since she had first run her fingers through it, she always found every opportunity to touch it.
"Are you okay? You seem a little…tense tonight. Should I have not invited Quinn? It's just she's new, and I thought it would be nice." Brittany whispered, her lips periodically brushing against the skin of Santana's cheek and her warm breath made Santana's heart beat faster. Brittany threaded more fingers through her hair.
"Yeah Britt-Britt I'm fine. You were right to invite her I suppose, I just, wasn't expecting her to be here, that's all. But you were right." Santana turned her face towards Brittany's and was sure that she saw Brittany's pupils dilate, the blue become darker, but before she could look closer she felt warm moist lips pressed against her own and Brittany's grip tighten in her hair. It was brief, hardly lasting a few seconds but it was enough to make Santana's mouth hang open and her eyes remain closed after Brittany pulled back. It wasn't until she heard Brittany giggle and trace her fingers along Santana's bottom lip that her eyes snapped open and she closed her mouth, surprising Brittany, accidently trapping her finger between her lips inadvertently flicking her tongue along the fingertip.
Brittany's eye widened and her mouth formed a tiny o shape at the action and a small 'wow' slipped through her lips before she could stop it. It wasn't until they heard the distinct beep of the microwave and the rustle of a popcorn bag that they jumped apart, Brittany's cheeks burning red, and stuffed their still clasped hands back underneath the blanket.
Quinn walked back into the front room bouncing the still hot bag between her hands before dropping it into the bowl. The room was awkwardly silent, with Santana avoiding either blonde's eye and Brittany smiling too big at Quinn.
"We should do this more often and give it a name!" Brittany said into the quiet room. "You know, like a weekly thing, and a name so that we can talk about it without anyone else knowing about it."
"Yeah," Quinn agreed, nodding her head in thought. "Especially seeing as we are all now Cheerios too." She looked towards Santana who still was avoiding looking at them and taking deep breaths. Quinn was fascinated by Santana's behaviour, watching as she obviously tried to control her breathing, occasionally pressing the back of her hand to her cheek, as it to check the temperature before she would run her hands nervously through her hair. She was so absorbed at watching Santana that it took her several seconds before she realised that Brittany was suggesting different names.
"Oh! I know! How about…The Unholy Trinity Night." Brittany beamed in pride and looked towards Santana for her approval (obviously much more important to her than Quinn's). When Santana still didn't react, Brittany poked her cheek gently, until Santana smiled and looked at Brittany.
"Yeah B. That's perfect."
The room fell into laughter as Santana tried to wriggle deeper into the mattress and pulled Brittany's arm around her.
"So, wait, what you're saying is that Santana has been whipped since she was thirteen!" Mercedes voice was broken by giggles.
"Shut up, I am not whipped." This prompted the laughter to increase in volume and Quinn even snorted, instantly clapping her hand over her mouth. "What? I'm not!"
Brittany tugged on Santana's hand asking her to face her. "Hey, Sanny, can I pick the movie tonight? I know it was supposed to be your turn, but please?" Brittany began to pout slightly but Santana had already moved her hand to Brittany's cheek and rubbed her thumb along her cheekbone.
"Yeah sure B, whatever you want to watch is fine." Brittany smiled brightly and Mercedes made a whipping sound and motion with her hand. "Oh shut up. You're all just jealous that you don't have someone as hot as B to snuggle up to at night. Go pick your movie B I'm going to get some snacks." Santana huffed dramatically before she flipped Quinn off and stuck her tongue out at Tina and Mercedes.
She wasn't even fully through the doorway when she heard loud giggling and Brittany's voice. "Aw don't laugh, it's not her fault I'm so awesome that she can't say no."
Santana paced in front of her locker occasionally kicking her feet against the ones below. She hated feeling like this. So out of control of her own emotions. She couldn't miss any more Glee sessions, otherwise there would be more speculation about her and more questions; but she didn't want to go to Glee and have everyone stare at her with pity and tell her how sorry they were. She hated feeling like this. She huffed and kicked at the lower locker again, then suddenly hands were over her eyes and her heart skipped a beat, her breath catching and her body began to panic until Brittany's familiar shampoo scent swam around her head and she let her body relax back into Brittany's.
Brittany felt her stiffen and quickly moved her hands to slide across Santana's hips. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you Dollface. You okay? You seemed a bit tense. We don't have to go to Glee if you don't want to?" Brittany leant her chin on Santana's shoulder and nuzzled her nose into Santana's cheek.
"No. I don't want them making up reasons I'm not there or assuming they know what I'm going through. Also I don't want Berry to get all the solos."
Brittany smiled before linking their arms together. "Just remember that not all of them are being falsely concerned. I even think Rachel's apology to me was mostly sincere."
Santana smiled and bumped their hips together gently. "Yeah that's 'cos I threatened her if she apologised to you as poorly as she apologised to me." The choir room was approaching too quickly for Santana, and she couldn't help but try to arrange her face into a nonchalant, bitch smirk. She felt she has just perfected it when Brittany pushed them through the doorway and kissed her gently on the cheek making her mouth quirk into a smile and heat spread throughout her body, completely ruining it.
But she didn't care too much.
Quinn smiled warmly and gestured to the two empty chairs that she and Mercedes surrounded with Mike and Tina behind them. Santana didn't want to be surrounded by other people, she didn't want to feel like she was the centre of attention or claustrophobic and unable to get away quickly. She was already mentally building answers, which actually didn't answer anything, to the prying questions she was sure they would bombard her with.
But they didn't.
"Hey Satan, and her Princess." Mercedes smiled cheekily and Santana couldn't stop the answering smirk. "Kurt and I were discussing it, and we think black with gold highlights for the costumes. Smoky lighting with specific spotlights. What do think? Will that look good with the routines you guys and Brittany have thought up?"
Tina and Mike both looked towards Brittany before nodding. "Yeah, the spotlights especially." Mike briefly squeezed Santana's shoulder but said nothing and Tina smiled at her.
"So long as the gold is like really…minimal. Otherwise it'll just look, what's that word your mum likes Tina? When she talks about jewellery?"
Tina laughed lightly "Garish."
"Yeah, garish. But the black should help it look classy, but still maybe just like a sash for the girls and ties –"
"How 'bout bowties Britt?" Tina interrupted softly.
"Yeah! Bowties. Bowties are cool." Brittany affected a gentle north London accent, tugging at an imaginary bowtie and lifted her chin confidently. Santana couldn't stop the giggle and pulled one of Brittany's hands into her lap, twisting their fingers together.
"You are such a dork Britt."
"But I'm your dork San."
"Sickening aren't they?" Quinn's faux chastising tone made them all fall into giggles, which suddenly died when Finn and Rachel walked into the choir room hand in hand. As soon as Rachel caught Quinn's eye, she let go of Finn's hand and marched to a chair next to Kurt. Santana could feel her heart pounding and hear the blood rushing in her ears, but Brittany's cool, thin fingers kept her from running from the room or starting to yell at Finn.
The room settled into an awkward hush and Brittany glanced nervously between Santana, Quinn and Finn. She didn't know what to say in order to stop Santana over reacting and was glad when Quinn gained their attention.
"So, the colours sound good then Britt? What do you think Santana? You think your girl will look pretty in a black dress with a gold sash?"
"Can your Princess pull off all that black?" Mercedes' giggling voice joined in.
Santana narrowed her eyes at Quinn and Brittany felt her cheeks redden before pushing gently at Mercedes knee. "Britt would look beautiful in a sack dress it's you I'm worried about Tubbers."
"Beautiful huh?" Mike poked at Brittany's red cheek before laughing loudly at Santana's embarrassed glance around the room.
"Oh! And gold sash alice band things! They would look really pretty in your dark hair San. And Mercedes and Tina, it would look a little washed out in blonde hair, but that's okay." Santana smiled softly at Brittany and jumped at the unexpected clap of Mr Schuester's hands at the front of the room.
"Okay guys, can I have your attention. Rachel tells me that she wants to say something before we get back to preparing for regionals."
Rachel cleared her throat and walked brusquely to stand beside the piano, nervously pulling at the bottom of her shirt. "Um, so I wanted to start off by say to Santana that-"
"I don't want to hear it Berry. Especially as it will probably end up being about you anyway."
"Do you have to be so mean Santana? She was trying to apologise." At Finn's voice Santana couldn't help but roll her eyes, and Brittany glared at him with an intensity that Santana would have been proud of if she had seen it.
"It's okay Finn. I actually already apologised. I understand Santana." Rachel looked directly at Santana who pulled Brittany's hand into her lap while returning the stare (although there may have been a small mouthed thanks while she lifted their entwined hands) before she nodded and carried on. "In that case, I suggest we can back onto focusing for the competition. I, of course, have several splendid ideas."
The rest of the week passed surprisingly quickly, with most of their free time taken up by extra Glee rehearsals, unexpected visits from the majority of the Glee club and Santana was feeling increasingly relaxed even when completely surrounded in the corridors.
Brittany was happy at seeing her Santana return completely, but couldn't stop the small nagging at the back her mind that she knew she would have to be attended to soon. She was even prouder of her on Wednesday when Santana walked brusquely towards her, gripping a cleanly folded piece of paper in her hand, into the cafeteria.
Santana sat down on the bench, with slightly more force than she meant to before kissing Brittany quickly on the cheek. "Are-you-free-this-weekend-so-we-can-go-to-Dayton?" Santana's voice was higher than normal and all her words ran together in one quite breath.
Brittany squinted her eyes and shook her head when she couldn't make out what Santana had said. "Slow down Dollface and say that again."
Santana puffed her cheeks and expelled a large breath of air noisily. "I asked, are you free this weekend so we can go to Dayton?" She bit one side of her bottom lip and her face scrunched in nerves and embarrassment.
"Yeah, course. I told you I would go with you if and when you wanted me to." Brittany smiled coyly and bumped their knees together underneath the table.
"Yeah, I know, but then we had that argument and I ignored you for the weekend and stuff."
"Santana, we are going to have arguments. Couples, no matter how happy they are, will have arguments and need time away from each other. But I will always love you and always be there for you and protect you, even if I simultaneous want to slap you for being so silly or scream at you for being so stubborn. Okay?"
Santana smiled widely kissing Brittany's shoulder. "How did I end up with such an amazing girlfriend?"
"You have an amazing arse." Brittany managed to keep a straight face for several seconds before they both collapsed into laughter. "I love you Dollface."
"I love you two Britty."
Santana didn't mention her appointment with the psychologist again until Brittany was driving them both to Santana's house on Friday.
"Britt?" Santana reached out and pressed her fingers into Brittany's shoulder and Brittany hummed to indicate she was listening. "Is it okay if you, if um, you don't come into the session with me? I mean I still want you to go with me and everything, and, later I might want you in there with me, or, I dunno, she may want you in there, but is it okay if I do the first one, at least, by myself? Please?"
"Anything Dollface. I don't take offence. So long as you're sure. I can even wait in the car for you? I don't mind?"
"No! No, I need you to actually be able to walk through the doors, I need to know that I can reach out and hold your hand. I just don't think I can…I don't want you to hear what happened in detail."
"I understand. I was thinking we should get a movie tonight? Maybe invite Quinn? Mercedes and Tina too?"
"Anything you want Britty." Brittany smiled brightly and did a modest celebration dance whilst still being able to drive in a straight line. "And, thanks Britt."
The sunlight was filtering through the not quite closed curtains when they shifted with the breeze painting undulating white spots across Brittany's face. Her eyes opened, the lids heavy and sticky with sleep and her face scrunched against the light. Santana was curled along her back and when Brittany reached for the glass of water on the nightstand (Santana always left one on her side because Brittany always woke up with a scratchy and itchy throat) she grumbled and pulled Brittany back against her.
"Britty I don't want to get up yet." Santana's voice was deeper and scratchier than normal, making Brittany's heart rate increase, and when she turned in Santana's arms she couldn't help the smile at Santana's face scrunched in annoyance.
"I'm not getting up San, I just needed some water." Santana hummed in contentedness, which only increased in volume when Brittany scratched her fingers at the base of Santana's skull. They laid like that, in comforting silence, Brittany's fingers working at the skin at Santana's skull and eventually Santana's eyes slid into view, slightly swollen from sleep. "San, can we, talk about something?" Brittany's voice was tentative, and she couldn't help gripping slightly tighter to the sheet beneath her free hand and press at Santana's skin a little harder.
"Sure Britt, anything." Santana could sense Brittany's unease and shuffled herself closer in an attempt to comfort her. "You can talk to me about anything."
Brittany nodded, but she still couldn't form the words she wanted. Instead, she wriggled from Santana's arms and walked across to her desk. She pulled out the middle draw, placing it on the floor and began to pull the contents out, placing them on the floor around her. Santana sat up, leaning her weight on her elbow and pulled the sheet closer around her, feeling exposed without Brittany's body. When Brittany was completely surrounded by pens, brightly coloured notebooks, buttons, pins and several sweet wrappers, she slumped heavily onto her rear and took a deep breath, before she reached into the draw and pulled out something that was small enough to be clasped and covered by her fist. She stared at the empty draw for several seconds, before turning back to Santana and smiling weakly. She brushed her hair out of her face self-consciously before she stood up and padded towards the bed. She tugged the sheet from underneath Santana sliding back in beside her and tucking the sheet underneath herself.
Santana was feeling nervous and one hand searched for Brittany's under the sheet while the other pressed against Brittany's lips. "What do you want to talk about Britt?" Her voice was whispered and broken, like cracks across glass. Brittany closed her eyes, and moved her head forwards so that their noses brushed. "Brittany?"
Brittany moved her clenched fist upwards to just under her chin and slowly uncurled her fist, finger by finger until the tape laid exposed on the middle of Brittany's palm. "I haven't played it. I guessed what was on there, that the copy Kurt has stops before he rape you; but I couldn't listen to it." Santana's eyes widened flickering between Brittany's palm and her face before she tried to push Brittany away forcing her face deep into her pillow. "No. No Santana! Don't pull away. Look at me." Santana shook her head, twisting to try and get out from Brittany's arms. Brittany firmly pushed Santana over onto her back, her hand cupping the bottom of her cheek forcing Santana to look upwards, although her eyes were still closed. "Look. At. Me. Santana."
Santana whimpered slightly before her watery eyes reached Brittany's. She bit her lip to attempt to stop more tears falling. "It's okay to cry Sanny. It doesn't make you weak. We need to talk about this though." Santana's chin wobbled and her whole face scrunched like paper balled by a fist before loud sobs broke from her throat and Brittany pulled her tightly against her chest. "It's okay to cry Sanny, it's okay. I love you so much. It's okay." Brittany rocked gently until Santana's sobs turned into soft hiccups and sniffs. She sniffed exaggeratedly before wiping her nose on the back of her hand and looking up at Brittany.
"I'm sorry. I think I got snot on your shirt B." Santana's voice was thick and croaky, but stronger than Brittany expected.
Brittany giggled before pushing Santana's hair behind her ear. "It's okay San, you puked on me when we were seven, and again when we were twelve, and you've narrowly missed me when we've been drunk so many times I've lost count. My shirt can handle a little snot." Santana's cheeks heated at Brittany's words and she brushed away the tear trails in embarrassment. "Why did you keep the tape? Did you listen to it?"
Santana's gaze flickered away from Brittany's face before she answered and Brittany wound her arms around Santana's waist to pull her close. "Yeah. I listened to it. I don't know why I kept it or why I listened to it…"
"Like Bundy." Brittany's gaze was slightly to the right of Santana's head, but she was too drained to figure out what Brittany meant.
"What do you mean Britt?"
"Bundy. Ted Bundy. He kept like photos of his kills." Santana's nose wrinkled in confusion still unsure what Brittany meant. "You kept the tape and you listened to it because you felt you needed to be punished, because you couldn't let yourself forget what happened or how you felt when it happened. Like serial killers keeping souvenirs of their crimes." Santana shrugged, burrowing her head into the space between Brittany's shoulder chin knowing that the discussion wasn't over. "If I give this back to you, will you listen to it again? Are you going to keep punishing yourself with it and not let yourself move on?" Brittany's voice had fallen to a whisper passing through Santana's hair and she pressed a hard, open mouthed kiss to Brittany's clavicle before lifting her head to bump their noses together.
"No. I don't want to listen to that tape ever again. But I don't know if I can destroy it either." Brittany nodded and she started to weave her fingers through Santana's hair. "You really didn't listen to it Brittany?"
"No. I wanted to. Especially when I had no idea what was wrong. It must have fallen out of your pocket when we started having sex and I freaked you. I got as far as putting the tape into the little machine. But I couldn't press play. I wanted to."
"I think I should talk to Amy about what to do with it."
"The therapist?" Santana nodded trailing her fingers along Brittany's jaw and nodded slowly. "That sounds like a good plan. We should probably get ready, I know how you hate to be late." Santana giggled before pushing herself off Brittany and walking towards the bathroom, Brittany watching her quietly.
They walked out of Santana's house, hands clasped between them. Brittany flexed her fingers experimentally. "San, I know you're worried, but you've kinda stopped the circulation getting to my hand." Santana's eyes widened and she smiled apologetically before loosening her grip and kissing the back of Brittany's hand.
"Sorry Britty. I'm nervous. And I really don't want to talk about it. Like at all." Santana felt a jerk on her arm, and turned around to face Brittany who had stopped walking. She raised her eyebrow questioningly. "What's the matter B?"
Brittany pulled Santana close so that their bodies were flush. "I know you don't want to do this, I understand that you don't, but the fact that you still can't say what happened proves how important this is. How much you need to rant about this, to someone who isn't important to you, who knows how to help you and how to…how to" Brittany was cut off by moist, shiny lips pressed against her own and a hand pressed against her chest over her heart.
"I know Brittany. And thank you for coming with me. I don't think I could do this without you." Brittany smiled wide and nodded making sure their noses brushed against each other. "Now, how about we get on the road, you know I hate being late, especially for the first of anything." Brittany pressed her lips to Santana's forehead before she nodded and pulled her towards the car, fingers still snuggly entwined.
They had been in the car for twenty minutes and Santana still hadn't said anything. Brittany was happy to let her think, and so concentrated on listening to the gentle static that she could hear through the music and applying gentle pressure to the spaces between Santana's knuckles. They were approaching Dayton when Brittany moved her eyes from their hands to the side of Santana's face.
"Why does this," she pressed harder than normal at Santana's knuckle space "calm you down so much?" Santana glanced down to Brittany's fingers before looking back at the road and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth.
She shrugged lightly. "I don't know Britty. I think it's because the first time we met you couldn't stop playing with my hands and my fingers."
Brittany's nose scrunched and her head tilted in thought. "Really?" Santana hummed and nodded. "I don't remember that. I remember thinking you looked really cute in your dungarees – which Dollface are really gay, now and then – and that you had a barrette in your hair that was a pink ballet shoe and that you gave it to me. I still have that somewhere. And I remember thinking that your skin looked like chocolate milk, but felt like my mum's really expensive work shirt, and your eyes looked like the coffee my dad drunk when he had to work for long times."
They had stopped at a red light, and Santana was looking at Brittany with an overwhelmed look on her face and a small smile. "You remember all that?" Brittany giggled pressing against Santana's knuckle once more and nodded. "I remember that you were fascinated by how small my hands were and how well they fit in," Santana stopped and laughed breathily, feeling her cheeks heat and her stomach fill with butterflies at the memory. "How well they fit in your hands. And you said that the space between my knuckles was perfect because only your pinkie could fit in the gap and that it meant that we were meant to be best friends and important to one another. It was the first time I had ever felt nervous around someone my own age, but as soon as you started to push against my knuckles…I still felt nervous but…I felt safe." Santana looked back at the rode when the light turned green and Brittany couldn't hide the wide grin and pressed a kiss to Santana's neck.
"I will always do my best to keep you safe. Always." Santana smiled and pulled Brittany's hand to her own lips and the car settled into silence until they pulled into a non-descript car park next to a dull looking white building.
Santana switched off the engine put left the keys in the ignition and her free hand on the wheel while her eyes stared defiantly at the door. "I hated that barrette. Dad bought it for me, I think he thought it might make me interesting in being more feminine, but the first time I wore it I gave it to this pretty little blonde who stole my heart."
Brittany placed gentle kisses along Santana's jaw before pressing her nose into Santana's cheek. "You are such a dork. My dork." She kissed Santana's check and opened the door without shifting her body. "Now, come on, you don't want to be late. And I'm not going to let you tell stories until your appointment time is gone." She patted Santana's thigh and pulled away laughing at her disgruntled expression. "I know you Santana. Better than you do sometimes." Santana sighed and pushed open her own door. Brittany had walked around the front of the car and gripped Santana's hand. She took a deep breath before she led Brittany towards the door, the gravel crunching underneath their feet making Santana wince.
She gripped the brass handle, before looking back at Brittany, who gripped her hand tighter. "Okay. Okay, let's do this."
A/N: Phew! Hope you all enjoyed this :D
Also, if you got my little allusion when they were discussing the outfits for Regionals, I will love you! Haha
Reviews would be very, very, very appreciated!
Thanks everyone.