Chapter Six: Blue
Alice was tired
She was so tired
Where were the colors?
What defined them?
There was always, always a white and black
And she hated them
She hated the white and black
So set in their boundaries
Never leaving a doubt, or hope
And if it did leave hope, it was false
Which is why she liked grey
She loved grey
It was undefined, it was free
But it was also tired
Tired, like Alice Heartfilia
Alice could identify with grey
Grey was tired of being confined between white and black, but It was also free
It was free of the borders that surrounded white and black, but it was also confined by the two
It was confined by itself, it was caged by its own will
And it was tired
Tired of contradicting itself
Alice's being was white and black
She radiated boundaries, confinement, right and wrong
She seemed to have all the answers, she seemed to know
But she didn't
She looked white and black, felt white and black
But she was gray
So grey, but no one ever wanted to see the grey
They mistook her grey for silver
No one understood her grey
And her grey, it was tinted blue
It was a rare grey
It was tired, but also had hope
Blue was her color
So whenever she asked herself, where are the colors?
Her heart would answer
It's in the grey, darling
And her mind would tell her: blue
Blue was her color
And when people would describe her,
They would say, "White skin, black hair, silver and blue eyes"
But her eyes weren't silver, they were grey
They mistook the steadfast, blinding shine of blue in her left eyes as silver
Since no one saw her grey, they didn't want to
They wanted to believe in her
She gave everyone a feeling of joy
Even the exorcists
And they barely knew her
They didn't see
They didn't see that she was so, very, very tired
They didn't understand why she liked grey so much
No one ever could
Alice was on a train
She was sitting in first class, along with her exorcist comrades, lazily looking up at the grey sky.
She smiled happily to herself, relishing the lovely light that the sky shined down on the group. It was her first (official) mission, and they were heading somewhere into the desert. She didn't know which one, all she knew is that there was innocence there.
Kanda sat opposite her, rereading the info on the mission. Allen and Lavi were asleep, while Lenalee chatted amiably with Kanda, although Kanda didn't really say anything back. He just grunted sometimes to show that he was actually listening.
The desert was the main part of their mission, since it contained more than one piece of innocence, but since their party was so big, Komui had ordered them to stop by one other town to investigate the recent akuma sightings there.
Over the past week, Alice had carefully assessed the group's strengths while staying at the order. She had heard that (at the old location), they had successfully defeated a level four akuma. After seeing them in the training rooms, she had deduced that they could take care of themselves, so she had no need to worry when it came to fighting on the field.
The sound of static and the train conductor's voice on the speakers awoke the two sleeping exorcists, informing that they were arriving at the small town that was their detour. The group hopped off the train, Alice waving at the conductor, and they proceeded into town. The first thing the group decided, despite Allen's stomach, was to head to the inn. After they met the finder and checked in with their keys, they decided to head to the nearest restaurant to ease Allen's excessive growling.
Allen, overjoyed, ordered everything on the menu. Alice ordered the same. The three NORMAL exorcists sweat dropped at the two's appetite. Allen, on the other hand, was wondering why Alice's stomach wasn't growling, and voiced his question. Lavi deduced that it was because Alice was an adorable, cute little girl (in his pervy mind), Kanda merely respond with a 'Che', and Lenalee told Allen to be less rude. When Alice responded, however, they all sweat dropped. Apparently, Golems could fit food in their mouths. On the train ride, Alice had eaten 3 plates of dango and 2 plates of Chinese noodles along with 5 cups of tea. Of course, Kanda was too busy ignoring everyone (except for Lenalee), Lenalee was too busy talking, and Lavi and Allen were too asleep to notice (Alice had carefully plugged Allen's nose with tissue before taking out her food since she had not wanted him to steal it, but this was only for her to know). The exorcists quickly finished their food, deciding that it was important to begin questioning the townspeople before nightfall.
After their huge (and expensive) lunch, the team decided that they would visit the areas that akuma were sighted first.
-Alices POV-
I walked through the streets, looking right and left.
Vendors and markets lined the road, some promising delicious foods, some selling clothes. The annual Fall Parade had raised the towns peoples spirits, as they were ready to take their minds off the recent paranormal activities in the area. Couples and family littered the streets, filling the cold, autumn air with a friendly warmth.
I looked around in awe, as I had never visited a parade before. It was new to me, the warm lanterns and the friendly banter that resonated in the big crowds of people. I curiously looked at one vendor, as he was trying to sell what looked like glowing sticks.
Lavi chuckled at my curious face.
"Have you never been to a parade or carnival before?" he asked teasingly.
"No" I answered, completely serious as I kept looking around in awe.
They all sweatdropped at my blunt respond before they all (except for Kanda, of course) yelled.
"What?!"
"What? It's not that big a deal" I responded casually, ignoring their exasperated looks "I've just never found the time".
"You're crazy!" Lenalee said, bouncing on her feet "We have to show you around!"
"Tch" Kanda grunted, annoyed "We have a goddamn mission to find innocence and will not be wasting any time"
The rest of the group moaned at his attitude. They really wanted to enjoy the parade, but knew that Kanda was right. The exorcists either huffed or rolled their eyes as we continued to pace along the crowded road. As we walked, I noticed a slight tingling in my left eye. Ignoring the rest of the group, I began to walk towards the crying, terrified presence I felt. My eye, my cursed eye, gave me the ability to sense the sadness of souls, even human ones. The soul cried out in pain, causing me to fasten my pace, before I broke into a run. It was a level four. Level fours were always the most pitiful, and there was more than one. With urgency, I weaved through the crowds and hurried across abandoned roads. Twisting and turning, I neared the source of the tingling. The terrifying amounts of pain and sorrow crashed down on me as I approached the horde of akumas. They had been hiding in the less crowded areas of the town, and seemed to be closing in on a small girl.
No! I couldn't let them hurt an innocent child.
In a hurried attempt to drive them away from her, I activated my innocence and shouted at the Akuma, gaining their attention. They turned to me, brandishing their guns and began to shoot. Swiftly jumping, I began attacking the akuma, trying to drive them away from the girl. A few moments later, my panting comrades arrived, surprised to see the bunch of akuma. Without question, they activated their weapons and began to dispose of the easier akumas. I jumped from the destroyed level four, smiling as its spirit departed in a lovely thanks. I then proceeded to attack more akuma, my movements fluid and precise, never wasting a moment. My legs and arms twisted and flipped, my ice knuckles and blades dance strengthening my close combat attacks while I used my magic-infused innocence to strike further akuma with spears of ice that materialized themselves from thin air. Using a more powerful attack, I destroyed half of the akuma horde with my Ice Make: Rose Garden. Turning around to check on the girl, I finally noticed her features.
Blue.
Wendy.
I stared at the girl. Her sky blue hair, her small stature, and her wide, blue eyes. She looked so much like her. She was standing there, in the corner of the alley, looking at the exorcists with awe and wonder. She wore a tattered green dress, her blue hair tied in pigtails, her innocent face stained with sweat. Her eyes flicked towards me, her blue eyes settling on mine. Hesitation and fear became curiosity and thanks A small smile adorned her lips, and she whispered a small thank you. What happened next… it broke my heart. Without notice, an akuma came out of nowhere, preparing to strike the small girl. It brought up its sharp, metallic claws, aimed at the terrified figure. Snapping out of my daze, my eyes widened in horror. With a broken scream, I launched myself towards her, ignoring the rest of the akuma as the claw descended towards her trembling figure. She was innocent, she was just a girl, she was the most important thing right now. The claw struck, pushing her into the wall. Her skin was painted with stars, and her legs slackened against the wall. With utter urgency, I caught the small girl before she hit the ground. I felt to hopeless, realizing that she was going to die. I couldn't save her. Her eyes slowly drifted to my face, and her hand gripped mine as she slowly started fading away.
"Don't worry, I'm going to be an angel" she whispered, tears falling from her face before she turned into dust, her sky blue hair just a fading memory.
Her words wracked my mind, wrecked my soul, tore at my heart. I let it happen again. The once so vibrant blue was gone, once again, just like Wendy. She wasn't, but was Wendy at the same time. She was innocent just like Wendy, and my incompetence had killed her. Caught in the moment, I hadn't noticed the same akuma that killed the girl attack. I screamed. Not a scream of pain, a scream of anger. Ignoring my injuries, I ruthlessly attacked the akuma. I continued to rampage, destroying all the weapons with ease until all the sad souls had departed. Falling to the ground, I clutched the remaining clothes of the small girl. I sobbed uncontrollably until I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I looked up to find Lavi looking at me with concern.
"You can't save everyone" he told me softly. Oh, he couldn't even begin to comprehend how well I knew those words. I couldn't save everyone. I knew that. I knew that more than any of them, and yet I still felt so much guilt, so much remorse.
"I know, but I can always try, can't I?" and that was what hurt the most. God, I had tried, tried so hard to save them. I always tried, and yet I failed. I had let them down, I could never save them all, despite my attempts. If I could, I would have borne the whole fate of the war on my shoulders. But I couldn't. Everyday people suffered because I couldn't. I was merely human. And I wasn't even fully human at that.
"Your hurt" Allen said softly. I shakily stood up and noticed the blood dripping from my shoulder. Not even giving it a second glance, I quickly responded with a cracked voice.
"I heal fast"
"Bu-"
"I heal fast, I'm fine"
Looking at the remains of the small girl, I picked up her necklace. Inside was a piece of innocence, which was probably why the akuma were after her. Wiping my tears, I turned around, only to be jerked back by a strong hand. I winced at the pain, and turned to face a glaring Kanda.
"Get. Over. It" He stated coldly "You're so naïve, thinking you can save everyone. There are plenty of people suffering in this world right now, what can you do about it. Do you even understand their suffering, or do you merely want to act like a hero? Can you see their sadness?" I winced at that and thought of my left eye "You don't know anything about pain. You were raised a spoiled brat by a rich magician. You don't know anything. People die. You can't save them."
I lowered my head, trying to force my anger back in its shell. After a few seconds of silence, my cold, brutal voice cut through the tension. The rest of the exorcists winced at the sharpness of the usually quiet, but smiling exorcist.
"You don't know me. You have no idea how much sadness I see, how much sadness I have seen. How. DARE. You. How dare you say any of these things, Yu Kanda. I have lost so many people in this lifetime, the prospect of losing more haunts me. It haunts me, you see. My eye, it haunts me. Every day I see the sadness of souls, it is my curse. It is a reminder for me to always protect the weak. How do you know they will die? Have you ever tried to SAVE them? All I can do is try. I can at least TRY... Oh god," I said, finally cracking and sobbing "all I can do is try. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to merely watch as they fade into nothing?"
I turned my head from the stunned exorcists. Kanda had not expected the outburst from the small girl, and Allen, Lavi, and Lenalee looked at Kanda with anger. Before anyone could stop me, I ran. I ran back to the inn before bursting into tears again.
-No ones POV-
Allen punched Kanda. Lavi and Lenalee looked at him with anger.
"How could you say that?"
He merely looked down. He hadn't expected the words to come tumbling out of his mouth. He had only wanted to call her naïve, but then he had taken it too far, and he knew it. He took the beating without a word and they silently walked back to the inn. They walked into the dark room, only to notice a dark figure on the balcony. Small cries could be heard through the glass.
Alice sat on the balcony in the cold night air, tears running down her face. She did not like these tears. They were not clear and beautiful like when she played the piano. No, her tears were grey. She hated these tears.
God, she would never be free. She could never be free, just like the grey. The black and the white haunted her. And the blue. She was so trapped. Trapped in the feeling of emptiness. Trapped in the color. Trapped in the constant longing of the fleeting blue.
Blue had always been her color. Ever since she met her.
*flashback*
"Onee-san." A young blue haired girl whispered through the bars of their cage.
Alice looked at the girl in her arms. They had awoken an hour before due to the unsettling cold. Alice protectively hugged her tighter and wrapped her wings around the small girl to warm the two.
"Yes Wendy?" she answered, quietly, so as to not awaken any of the scientists in the cold, white and black lab.
"The sky is grey." The small girl pointed out as she looked through the only window in the room.
"And?" Alice said.
"It's at least better than the white and black, don't you think?"
Alice chuckled "Yes, it is"
Silence enveloped them before the young girl quietly said, with a faraway look in her startling blue eyes, "Someday, we will break out of this cage, and we will be free. We'll fly away with your beautiful wings and be just like angels."
Alice smiled at the thought before nodding her head in agreement, "Yes we will be angels."
*end flashback*
Angels, Alice thought, before dozing off in the cold air, not unlike long ago. The rest of the exorcists had stayed inside, quietly, until the sobbing stopped, and Allen walked out to find a sleeping Alice. Carefully lifting her up, he brought her back into the room filled with her worried friends. They laid her on the bed and then promptly went to sleep themselves.
That night, Alice dreamt. She dreamt of a blue haired angel in a vast gray sky.
Where are the colors?
It's in the grey darling.
She looked into the grey.
There was so much grey, it was tiring.
It was just tiring to look at it, but then she noticed something
She looked closer, only to find a color, to find blue.
She wasn't as tired anymore. She didn't feel so hopeless.
Yes, blue was always her color.