Chapter Five: Live Unbruised, We Are Friends

"William!"

At the sound of Mrs. Patmore's voice, Daisy nearly dropped the pot she was scrubbing in shock. Biting her lip, she whirled in the direction of the doorway. Sure enough, there he stood. She was pleased to see that his color had greatly improved during the last ten days since she last saw him. However, the prospect of speaking to him... Whatever he wanted to say to her, Daisy felt sure she did not want to hear it.

"What in Heaven's name are you doing down here?" Mrs. Patmore demanded, her tone caught somewhere between concern and disapproval. "You sure you should be up on your feet already?"

"I think you're forgetting I spent almost a week in Leeds before arriving here, Mrs. Patmore," William reminded her. "I saw Major Clarkson yesterday and he says that since I'm up for it, I ought to get fresh air while it's still warm out. I was just about to go and sit outside for a bit. I was wondering if it would be all right if Daisy joined me?" He offered a small, hopeful smile in Daisy's direction (At least he doesn't look angry, Daisy thought wildly). "I know she's busy, but maybe you could spare her for just a few minutes?"

Daisy interrupted, "I've got a lot of work to do…" Panic-stricken, Daisy turned to Mrs. Patmore, silently begging for mercy.

Her petition was denied pitilessly. "Go on, get on with ya," Mrs. Patmore ordered, narrowing her eyes and shooting Daisy a warning glance. "Don't be too long, mind you."

Daisy dried her hands before she untied her apron and followed William out of the kitchen and down the hall. Mrs. Patmore's right, Daisy told herself. You're going to sit there and take what he dishes out. You owe him that much. It's not as though he's going to shout at you. She shuffled forward to open the heavy door for him.

Once outside, they eased down on the rickety wooden bench where William used to clean shoes. They angled their bodies awkwardly away from each other so that they practically had their backs to each other. An air of discomfort hung heavily over them, almost painful. Daisy folded her hands in her lap, her fingers fidgeting as she and William stared into opposite directions. They sat wordlessly for several seconds before William let out a long breath and finally worked up the courage to speak. "I just wanted to say again that I'm sorry."

"I told you I didn't want you to blame yourself," she reminded him. Typical William. Someone betrays him and he's the one who wants to apologize. She turned her head to look at him over her shoulder, but to no avail. He was looking the other way and she couldn't even attempt to read his expression. "William?"

He shifted, turning so that he could look at her, too. "Er, how about if I tell you that I don't blame you for— for what happened? I know it wasn't easy for you." He paused, not quite able to make eye contact and compromised by studying her forehead. "I understand why you did it."

She could tell that he was still berating himself and had only said that to make her feel better. Selfish as it was, she couldn't deny that the suffocating weight of her guilt lifted just a little at his words. But did he mean them? Was he truly not angry with her? Did he really manage not to hate her? Daisy swallowed, wanting desperately to speak but not having any idea what to say.

William dropped his gaze back to the ground. "I hope that we- what I mean is… are we still friends?"

"Only if you can still stomach the sight of me after what I'd done to you."

"Of course I can."

"How?"

He hesitated. "Because I promised you once that we'd always be friends and I'd like to keep that promise. Provided that you still want me to."

She brightened with hope. "I would like you to very much. I'm sorry that I—" That I couldn't keep my promise. That I can't give you more. That I did this to you.

She heard him laugh a little. "Look at the two of us. Each begging for the other's forgiveness when maybe what we really need to do is forgive ourselves."

She sighed, at last turning to face him properly. "I'll never lie to you again."

He finally catches her eye. The corners of his lips turned upward, but it still wasn't quite a smile. "That's a bold promise."

"I don't care," she declared, her voice rising as she thought about not only the lie she had told him, but dozens of things she had told him years ago. The heartless, thoughtless little things she had said during a time when being too kind to William meant Daisy worrying that Thomas would get The Wrong Idea. Daisy felt her face burn as she recalled when they had all gone to a fair and William had tried to warn her that Thomas wasn't who she thought he was. She had thanked William by telling him to go home if he was going to be such a "spoil sport." Not long after that, he had noticed she was troubled and offered to listen to her. Hadn't she responded with, "Oh, why can't you leave me alone?" She was done treating him badly. "I'll never do anything like that to you again, never, I swear it."

William closed his eyes for a long moment. "Can we please not fret about this anymore?" He finally opened his eyes and blinked rapidly. "How about we… pretend it never happened?"

The notion to "pretend it never happened" seemed too good to be true. Daisy felt that she out to perform some act of penance. "Isn't there anything I could do—?"

"I just want you to be happy."

"But I want you to be happy, too."

"Well, I'm not dead or paralyzed when I easily could have been." His smile grew more genuine. "I get to stay here, where all my friends are and my dad can visit every few days. You know, this is the most I've probably seen him in eight or nine years... I've been offered a very good job. I've plenty to be happy about."

Daisy didn't have the nerve to remind him that having things to be happy about and actually being happy weren't the same thing at all. "How's…?" She pointed to his shoulder.

"Major Clarkson actually said that I'm recovering quite well, actually."

"That's a relief."

They fell again into silence. The only sound that punctuated the air was the dull scraping of William's boot grinding into the ground.

Finally, William found something else to talk about. "Do you know whatever happened to Mr. Lang?"

Daisy hadn't thought of Mr. Lang in many months. She picked through her memory. "I think he found a job at Lady Anstruther's. She lives alone, you know. It sounds nice there. Smaller house. A little easier to manage than Downton."

"I do hope he's doing better. Do you think Mr. Carson might have an address for him? I've been thinking that I'd like to write him."

"I suppose he might. But why?"

"He tried to give me some advice once and I'm afraid I didn't listen to him. Now that I understand what he was trying to say, I'd like to make things right."

Poor, terrified, perpetually shaking Mr. Lang. What a wreck he'd been! Daisy wondered what could drive a man into that sort of state, but she'd never ask.

William seemed to have sensed what was on Daisy's mind. "He tried to tell me what it was like and I brushed him off. But he was right. I had no idea what I'd gotten myself into. It was so much worse than I could have ever imagined."

"I can't imagine it at all."

"Do us both a favor, Daisy. And don't try."

"Could I ask you something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to." The words burst from Daisy before she could stop herself.

"What about?"

"What made you do it?" Daisy asked, looking up at William's sling. "Lord Grantham fixed it so that Captain Crawley could look after you. Not the other way 'round."

He laughed quietly. "I didn't really plan to do it, but now that I think about it, I guess it was for lots of reasons. Captain Crawley's a good man."

"So are you," Daisy told him. Also a much younger one.

"But it's more than that, though. All of those men looked to Captain Crawley to lead them. If something happened to him, it would have affected every one of them, as well. That's something that we all learned out there, seeing the bigger picture. I believe he'll do right by Downton one day. He'll be a good an employer, too. I didn't want you—any of you, that is— to have to worry about who the next heir might be. Or what he'd be like to work for."

I'd never be able to think like that, Daisy thought. I'm not brave enough.

"And I think I might have done it for Lady Mary's sake, too," William added, after a moment.

"Lady Mary?" Daisy asked, bewildered. "Don't you mean Miss Swire?"

He shook his head. "Remember when my mother got sick and Lady Mary arranged for me to have some time off to go see her?"

Daisy nodded.

William lowered his voice. "They were surprised when I turned up home. After a lot of pestering on my part, Dad told me after Mum passed that she didn't want me to know she was ill. But somehow, Lady Mary found out… If it hadn't been for her, I'd have never gotten the chance to say goodbye. For that, I'll always be grateful to her."

The revelation that William's mother had planned on dying without seeing her son one last time made Daisy feel devastatingly sad but it also reminded her that the line between right and wrong could be difficult to find. There was always more than one way of looking at things. Mrs. Mason had thought it bad to worry William and distract him from his job. Maybe she even thought it would make things easier for him if he didn't have to carry around the image of her sick and dying... Perhaps William had a point. Maybe what Daisy really needed to do was to forgive herself.

William stood up. "I better get you back to the kitchen before Mrs. Patmore comes out here and beats me about the head with a frying pan."

"She wouldn't do that," said Daisy, standing as well. "Not to you. It's me she'd come after."

William smiled. "I'm not too sure about that. But either way, we ought to go in."

Again, Daisy hurried forward to hold the door open. They didn't speak again until they reached the bottom of the servant's staircase. William had climbed two or three steps before looking down at Daisy. "Thank you for sitting with me," he told her. "I'm glad we had a chance to talk."

"I'm glad, too."

They heard the door upstairs creak and both of them looked up to see Johanna making her way downstairs with linens that needed washing. Daisy eyes roamed over the many steps and remembered just how far away the South Gallery was. She turned back to William. "Are you sure you don't need me to walk you back?"

"No, that's all right," he said in an undertone, stepping back down into the hallway in order to make room for Johanna. "I can manage."

"Good thinking," said Johanna, watching William scramble out of the way. "I keep waiting to drop something and trip."

Daisy giggled as Johanna finally stepped safely off the last stair. "Meet Johanna. The reason I'm no longer the clumsiest one down here."

Johanna beamed up at William. "And you must be the fiancé I've heard so much about."

Oh no. Daisy didn't think that anyone still thought that they were engaged. She hadn't told anyone but Mrs. Patmore, but she thought William must have said something to someone. No one had said anything about it to her for more than a week.

William smiled awkwardly. "Well, actually, Daisy and I were just discussing that, weren't we? We've been thinking we'd better hold off on all that for now… That's not really the type of decision to make when you're worried you might not live to see the week's end. We're still very young, best not to rush these things."

"Yes, best not to," Johanna said slowly, her own smile slipping.

Daisy looked up at him, trying to communicate wordlessly how much she appreciated him making it sound like it was a mutual decision. Something vaguely familiar but indefinable welled up in Daisy. Something that was beyond gratitude, something that made Daisy so desperately glad that she and William had managed to salvage their friendship.

William moved passed her and began to ascend the stairs again. "I've got to go back up now. Lady Edith will worry."

Daisy mouthed the words "Thank you" when Johanna couldn't see and then added out loud, "Go on, then."

Once he was out of ear shot, Johanna winced. "Ooh, Daisy, I'm so sorry. Men. They go off to war without so much as blinking, but marriage on the other hand leaves them scared stiff."

"No, no! It's not like that!" Daisy said quickly. "We're—It's all right," she continued, trying her best not to sound too relieved. "It's for the best."

A/N: Sorry updating has been kinda slow lately, but I have a new computer and typing is much easier now. I actually wrote a lot the last couple of weeks. It's just been out of order. I'm hoping to be updating a little more frequently now. Also, I have no classes this week, so more time to write.