Promises Broken Chapter 6, a twilight fanfic

Author Note: Apologies for the delay. The blame rests squarely on the poor economy and the mortgage market meltdown. Ugh.

Finally, I again feel that urge to put proverbial pen to paper. Thank you, Lynne, for the push.

Disclaimer: The Twilight universe is the brilliant creation of Ms. Stephanie Meyer. I am just twisting her vision a bit for my own amusement.

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness

"Make This Go On Forever" – Snow Patrol

Chapter 5 Recap …

I knew I was testing whatever luck fate had granted me but I felt myself leaning towards her lips. Bella eyes widened in fear when she realized what was about to happen. As my lips brushed hers softly, she sighed. Her body relaxed and her eyes closed as I continued to drop soft kisses on her full lips. I deepened the kisses slowly, so I wouldn't frighten her further. Her lips moved with mine in perfect rhythm and I thought I might die from the pleasure of it. Suddenly, she broke away and gasped. Her tears began to flow again as she reached up and touched cupped my cheek with her small hand. I leaned into her touch and closed my eyes with a sigh. A sob broke from her lips as she extricated herself from my hold and ran from the room.

I was left on my knees staring at the now empty sofa.

Chapter 6

I stared blankly at the empty space before me. I blinked. Bella had been there only a moment before. She had just given me the sweetest of kisses. Now I was kneeling here in stunned silence while she ran away … again.

I was an idiot.

"Bella!" I called as I shook myself from my stupor and headed for the door. I could hear her footsteps rapidly (at least for her) descending the stairs.

I followed her trail down the stairs to the family room and then out the front door. She was stalking down the driveway with her arms were folded severely across her chest. Her head was down and her shoulders slumped as she was muttered angrily to herself, "-stupid, mutinous, vampire-ex-boyfriend, kissing lips should know better."

I pursued her across the front lawn until I was walking soundlessly beside her. "Bella, why are you running from me?" I asked quietly.

Bella, no longer accustomed to the flawlessness of vampire stealth, let out a startled cry and stumbled forward. Knowing that she would inevitably lose her battle with gravity, I wrapped my arms around her waist and kept her upright. She clutched my wrists frantically for a moment before she sighed in relief and relaxed into my embrace.

"Bella, you promised that you would try." I did not really intend to speak to her in a reproachful tone but it was there for her to hear, nonetheless.

Bella quickly extricated herself from my grasp and whirled to face me with a shocked expression on her beautiful face. Her eyes narrowed dangerously and teeth clamped together with a snap. Her full lips were pressed into a hard line for a long moment before she replied angrily, "'Try', yes, I did promise that, but 'try' does not mean that I will fall at your feet in gratitude now that you've deigned to bless me with your presence six months after you told me that you didn't give a crap about me!"

My already scarce patience was being tested sorely. I chose to ignore the fact that her resentment was more than justified. I replied in an equally irate manner. "Well, 'try' certainly doesn't imply that you would flee from me at the first available opportunity!"

Bella was livid. "Oh, don't even go there, Edward! Do not act all righteous and angry. You have no damn right!"

I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched the bridge of nose with my thumb and forefinger. She was right, of course, but that did nothing to stem my fit of temper. Why was I so angry? I knew this would be difficult before we had even started the conversation. I knew it would not be quick. I knew that I had to be cautious with Bella's feelings and that I needed to keep my hopes in check for my own good. Maybe that was why I was upset now … when Bella had allowed that wonderful kiss, I had thrown caution to the wind. I let my hope surge through me and now I was paying the price with supreme disappointment. I sighed heavily.

"When you said that you would try, what did you mean?" I asked with barely concealed irritation.

"I don't know, Edward!" Bella stated fervently. "I can't deny that I love you and that I want to be with you … I have tried to deny it, believe me! You looked me in the eye and you told me you didn't want me. My life has been a walking nightmare ever since that moment. I can't just snap my fingers and forget. I can't and I won't. I will TRY to forgive you. I will TRY to get past it. I will TRY to live in the current moment rather than reliving the past every minute of every day. I will TRY to focus on looking forward instead of looking back but … "

"Bella … " I began.

"No, Edward. I know you're sorry," Bella said more quietly. She took a deep, calming breath before continuing, "I know that you didn't mean it. I really do believe that here," she said as she pointed to her temple, "but the idea of letting you in again … the thought of pinning all my hopes on you again … that's like giving a gun to a guy who's already shot me once and hoping he doesn't do it again."

She paused in thought before she resumed. "No … actually, it would be more like locking myself in a room with Jasper and opening a vein. He wouldn't intend to hurt me, he wouldn't even want to hurt me, but he would. I know he would. I learned that lesson. You taught me a lesson, too, Edward. You proved that you can walk away from me … you proved that you are able to hurt me in the worst way. Honorable intentions… self sacrificing motivations … whatever. As far as I'm concerned, you nearly killed me once and you're capable of doing it again. I can't unlearn that lesson, Edward. If you want us to have a chance, I have to learn to trust you again."

Again she paused, as if searching for the right words. "It's not going to be easy for me to believe that you won't sacrifice my heart to protect my life. And Edward, believe me, trying to live after having your heart ripped out is in no way preferable to living with the risk of dying."

My previous irritation was quickly forgotten. With every word she spoke, I felt a bit more helpless. "What can I do to prove myself to you, Bella? What can I do to change how you see me?"

"I honestly don't know, Edward," she sighed. She met my eyes for a moment before smiling sadly, "You can only be who you are … beautiful, intelligent, talented, stubborn to a fault, incredibly attentive, and more than a little bit obsessed with my safety."

Bella continued to watch me. Her head was tilted a bit to the side, as she was studying me. She carried on intently, "If I tell you that I need space, you'll just watch me from a distance. If I say we should spend time together, I'll probably never have a minute to myself again. In either scenario, I would just be wondering when your fascination with me would end. I would expect you to get bored after a while and move on to more interesting distractions." She paused for a moment as if gathering her courage, "I think maybe this will be more about us learning to think about things differently. If you want me to believe that you won't leave me for what you think is my own good again then you can't continue to believe that you're the worst thing that could ever happen to me. If you want me to believe that you won't leave, I have to see you stay … for a long time."

"I will never leave again, Bella," I affirmed again. I knew that she had heard my previous declarations but I would persist in repeating this vow as long as it took for her to really listen. "I may never believe that I deserve you but I will never again believe that my absence is better for you than my presence. I … "

Bella's head was already shaking in the negative. "You say that now but what happens the next time I have a life threatening encounter with a vampire or make a new werewolf friend or turn down a date with Mike Newton? Are you going to blame yourself for some imagined negative effect you have on my life? Even if you're right, even if you've changed that attitude, I have to see it to believe it. Finding that trust again won't be easy or quick. You will have to have patience. I do want to believe in you again, Edward." She stopped speaking for a moment and blushed deeply before continuing in breathless voice, "I don't want to live without you anymore."

Hope sprang into my heart yet again. "You will never again have to live without me. I swear it," I averred.

Bella did not reply. She just continued to study my face, her expression unreadable. I wished, for the millionth time, that I could read her mind.

"Is it permissible for me to touch you?" I asked as I reached for her hand, "To hug you? To kiss you? Am I your boyfriend again? Am I your friend with potential for more? Am I just an acquaintance? What am I to you Bella?" I asked. I could not hide the desperation in my voice. "I will be whatever you want me to be for as long as you want but you have to define my starting point. I need to know where I stand." I was praying that my new position in her life was not so relegated that I would never again be able to reach my previous status, much less surpass it. I violently stifled those fears before continuing, "I am terrified that I will misunderstand what you are willing to accept from me and I will end up pushing you further away."

"Edward, I don't think that I'm ready to label THIS," she said while gesturing back and forth with her free hand between the two of us. She was staring at her other hand, still joined with mine, but she did not try to release herself.

"At least tell me what you are willing to accept? Please Bella," I begged softly as I very carefully lifted her chin with my fingers. Bella met my eyes for a fleeting second before lowering her gaze to focus on her feet. I exhaled a defeated sigh before continuing, "I know that you were not ready for what happened upstairs. I am sorry that I pushed you but I can't be sorry for that kiss. I have dreamed about having you in my arms again for months. I have very nearly driven myself insane with thoughts of being with you so it is impossible for me to regret holding you or touching you. However, I do not want to do anything else that might push you farther away from me. I want to have some hope of holding you again. I need your guidance, Bella, so that I do not make another such mistake."

"It wasn't only you in that kiss, Edward. I'm pretty sure that I was a willing participant there for a minute." She raised her eyes to my face and smirked. At my answering smile, she rolled her eyes and snorted. "Yeah, well, I admit that I wasn't exactly forced but that doesn't mean that I think it was my smartest move ever."

Her expression became serious again before she continued, "I panicked when I realized that I was heading down the same road as before. Being dazzled by you leads to kissing you … which then leads to thinking about you all the time and then waiting to see you … then I'll just end up hoping for you to come through my window at night. I know you'll come and I'll get used to it and then I'll start to depend on you again. Where does that leave me?" she demanded. With each word she had spoken, her volume had increased and her expression had become more frustrated. By the end, she was out of breath.

"With me," I replied evenly. She had just voiced my every desire … Bella wanting me, trusting me, depending on me more than anyone else. My fondest wish was for Bella to have those expectations of me again.

"Edward," she groaned. "It can't be that easy. I … I doubt you too much."

My breath hitched. I already knew that her trust in me was broken but hearing those words come from her lips was like a knife in my heart. I looked away quickly. I squeezed Bella's hand gently before I released it from my grasp. I raked my hands through my hair as I took a step away from her. "I know it isn't enough but I am so sorry," I rasped.

"Edward," she said quietly. I felt her take my cold hand back into the warmth of both of hers but I still could not look at her. "I do believe you but … before, I believed in you, too. I mean, I had insecurities and I thought that you would leave eventually but I think I expected to be okay with it. That was my own stupidity and I can't blame you for that part of this."

"There is no part of this that is not my fault," I said wearily.

"We both have to accept some responsibility; although, I will admit that you get the mountain lion's share," she said with a little laugh. I was cheered, not so much by her joke, but by the fact that she made the effort. "Six months ago, I had no doubts that you loved me and I knew, KNEW, that you would never purposefully hurt me. I want to know that again. When I kissed you I thought I did but right in the middle of it I felt this huge fear. I wanted to keep kissing you, Edward, but I couldn't. One part of me wants to be with you more than anything but another part me feels this overwhelming need to run from you. I think I finally developed that instinct for self-preservation that I was lacking before. Until I stop feeling the urge to flee, we can't be what we were before because I won't be who I was before."

"Bella, we are both different now. Neither of us will ever forget the pain that we have been through during our separation. Neither of us will ever be who we were before. Does that mean that we can never be together again? Please don't say that what this all means …" I did not want to think that she was trying to tell me to give up. I would never be able to let go of her. I began to envision to rest of my existence, watching Bella's life unfold from a distance. I would watch as she finished school and pursued a career. I would watch as she made a family with someone else. I would watch her grow old and die. Then I would follow her. If she meant that we would never be together in this life, then my life was over.

"That's not what I want it to mean," she said. She bent forward just little in an attempt to look into my still lowered eyes. Again, I smiled at her effort to reach me. "Maybe it means that we have to get to know each other again. I have to get to know you as a person with imperfections just like the rest of us. You need to learn to see me as an adult who has the ability and the right to make her own decisions … even if those decisions put me in danger.

I lifted my face in search of her beautiful, brown eyes. She was watching me with tearful concern and I marveled at her selflessness. After all of the pain that I had caused her, she was worried about me. It occurred to me suddenly that Bella's empathetic response to my pain gave me an unfair advantage in this discussion. Could I live with that? Could I accept her acquiescence to my requests if it was based solely on pity? I wanted to say 'yes'. I wanted to say that I needed to use whatever advantage I could for just a chance with her ... not a guarantee, just a chance. If she would give me the opportunity, then I would do everything in my power to make her happy. I wanted to convince myself that the end would justify the means but … no, I would never be able to live with that.

"You are so good, so kind hearted," I said as I caressed her cheek. I stepped closer to her and carefully rested my forehead against hers. "You always care about the needs of others before your own. It doesn't even occur to you to seek vengeance for the pain I have caused you by hurting me in return."

"You've already been hurt, Edward. I would never want you to suffer … not if I could help it," she whispered thought her tears.

I lifted my head and backed away from her slightly, keeping my hand on her cheek. "My life is not complete without you, Bella, but I have been so very selfish with you. While there is nothing that I want more than to be with you, I could never live with myself if I knew you were accepting all of this just to make me happy. Do you truly wish for us to try again? I need you to make this choice for both of us … but, please, make the decision based only on what is best for you. Your happiness is the most important thing to me now. If being with me is what will make you happiest, then I want to do whatever it will take to make that happen. If you can't be truly happy with me, then I will accept it, I promise. This is up to you. What do you want for us, Bella? "

"Edward, I can't … " she began.

"No, Bella. I honestly cannot be happy unless I know that you are. Please, this choice has to be yours," I said gravely.

She studied my face for an eternity of seconds before taking a breath to speak, "In my heart, I want the same thing that I've always wanted. I want to be with you … forever … but every time I let myself believe that it's possible I start to freak out. I'm scared, Edward. If you left … ," her voice broke.

"If I ever have to leave in the future, I will take you with me. If it is within my power and it is what you want, we will never be separated again," I stated firmly.

"I wouldn't survive it, Edward. If I let you back in and you left again anyway, I wouldn't live through it. I don't want to be 'friends' because there's no way that you and I could be anything less than we were … are. We have so much baggage now that we never had before. I have trust issues and, in a way, so do you." Bella rolled her eyes at my incredulous expression. "You do Edward! You don't have faith in me to make good decisions. You think that you are better qualified to know what's best for me and that just tells me that you don't trust me. I know you're a lot older but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're wiser!"

"I don't disagree with you, love. If there is anything that I have learned in the last few months, it is that I have a tenuous grasp on the concept of wisdom." I frowned at the memory of my foolishness.

"Then you know that we both have a lot to overcome. " She paused with a thoughtful expression on her face. "I don't know what to call us right now but I do know where I want us to end up. I want you to be mine and I want to be yours. I just don't know how to get us there or how long it will take. Is that enough for you? I know you're worried about scaring me off and I can't promise I won't freak again but I will promise not to shut you out without talking to you. If you go too far, I'll tell you. If I'm scared, I'll let you know. "

She lowered her head to hide her expression but not so quickly that I could not see the smile on her face. The she said, "If I'm angry, I promise to yell at you. You won't have to wonder what I'm thinking … at least not when it's important."

She looked back up at me with a timid smile. My answering smile was totally unrestrained. "I will always wonder what you are thinking, love. I will always wonder because I will always be near you. Thank you, Bella. Thank you for giving me this chance."

"We are giving us a chance, Edward. We both want it and we're both going to work for it," she said forcefully. She seemed to realize how dictatorial she sounded as her expression changed from hotly determined to slightly embarrassed. With a wry smile, she then asked, "Aren't we?"

We most definitely are," I declared. I could not stop smiling. I no longer had any doubt that Bella would be mine again. Bella wanted us to be together again. 'She wants me!' I was shouting merrily inside my head. She would always have what she wanted because I would always see to it.

A/N: Have mercy, this was a hard one. I know where we're going now so my next update should not be such a chore. I foresee five additional chapters unless some violent inspiration strikes me and the story spirals out of control. You never know when that will happen.