Authoress' Notes: Oh, yeah. The plot is totally in motion now. Except lotsa awkward moments and killing from here on in. :)
He Said, She Said
Chapter 6: Learning the Undeniable
Ness bit into a hot dog as Pit did a somersault over his head. Counting the ones before that, his total came to 1,669. How did he do it?
"Ha HA!" he 'HA'ed into Red's face. "What did I tell you? What did I tell you?!"
He sighed. "...That Lucas was—"
"That Lucas was a girl!" he finished, going into another laughing fit. "And not just that, a budding one, as well! Nice and ripe for the picking?"
"All right, we get it," he sighed. "Could you please knock it off?"
"Not until you start forgetting you ever thought she was a dude. Admit it, admit I was right, and maybe I'll stop."
"Why should I have to admit it? Everyone else already knows how you just happened to 'foresee' this. What do you want, a prize?"
"No, simply knowing I was right all along and you losers weren't is satisfaction enough."
"Fine..." He sighed, rubbing his head. "You were right all along, and no one else was. Lucas has always been a girl and us thinking he wasn't only proved how insipid we really are."
"That was a little wordy, but I'll take it."
"Actually," Red smirked, "since we finally proved... her gender, you owe me."
Pit stopped celebrating. "...Come again?"
"Yeah, you do! A few months ago, you said if we exposed Lucas, you could get me some... alone time with her."
He shook a finger at him. "Oh, do you don't. You conked out on me, so the deal's off. You don't get a thing."
"What? Oh, come on! I could only take so much failure!"
"Too bad. You didn't stick with me, so consider our deal null and void."
"Fine, be that way!" He angrily stood. "Since Luke's a girl now, I'll be able to woo her easy."
The angel crossed his arms. "How so?"
"Hey, all women like flowers and chocolate. And... other chick stuff. Give Luke some of that, and she'll be eating out the palm of my hand in no time."
"It's not that easy, you know."
"Yeah, like the ambiguous dude would know." He walked off, smug as ever. "I'll be seeing you, hopefully never. I've got a gal to go please."
"Hey, hey, hey!" He shook his fists. "You stop right there! Come back and tell me what that means!"
8 hours, 39 minutes, and 5 seconds had passed since the house discovered why one of their most feminine males was so feminine. Ness expected a lot more to go down, but was disappointed to learn most of the roster remained far from amused. A few were shocked, some mortified, while others refused to believe it. Everyone else either thought it was joke or didn't care. It took some time to convince those last few, but it was a matter of time before everyone simply threw out all notion of Lucas being a pussy boy and came to reason she was a girly girl. And hey... everyone loved girly girls over pussy boys! It was common knowledge! One less dumbass guy and one more sweet, succulent girl to steal underwear from. And blonde? Definite plus. Budding? Big, major plus.
...This could've been the single best thing to happen there in a very long time.
Meanwhile, in the deep, dark depths of a barren place even the mightiest of warriors didn't dare tread, AKA, Samus' room, the ladies of the Brawl gave their new member a nice, lovely welcoming party.
"Congratulations on your first step on the road to womanhood!" cheered Peach, waving her hands like they were on fire.
Scattered claps told her maybe that outburst could've been delivered a little better.
Lucas sighed, not at all pleased with this idea. "Thanks, I guess... And you're sure I'm not dying? Do all... girls do... that?"
"Why, yes, we do. It's completely natural!"
"B-b-but..."
"Lucas, what happened earlier was... well, that proved it. You are a girl," confirmed Zelda. "I have no idea how you went this long without knowing, but it's not my place to ask, so I won't."
"That little... incident only means you're growing up! You should be excited!" Peach giddily looked to the youngest in the room. "Nana hasn't had it yet, so don't feel too bad. You'll be, like, her role model!"
"Oh..." Nana blinked. "I guess so. Uh, never thought of it that way..."
Lucas rubbed her head. "B-b-but! What if I can't do this? I don't know anything about girls!"
"Oh, don't worry. You've always had girl-like tendencies, and now you can fully express them through the joy of knowing you're a girl!"
The newly-dubbed girl made a face. "...I'm still really confused..."
"That's all right. Us girls're a lot closer than the guys, so we'll always be there to back you up. So, don't fight any urges you may feel; just let it all out! Remember: today is the first day of the rest of your life!" squealed Peach.
...Zelda clapped slowly, albeit awkwardly. "You should really be a motivational speaker."
It was late. Neither hide nor hair of Lucas had been seen the entire day and, surprisingly, quite a few people were concerned about her whereabouts. How strange... No one worried about her when she was a guy... Sexist, perhaps? Finally, a little after dinner, someone claimed they spotted Lucas wandering around the place. Most tried to play it cool and pretend this wasn't news when they were secretly uprooting the place to find her. Was it to pick on her? Ask her about the incident? Try and take advantage of her? Ness didn't know, nor did he feel like looking himself. She'd be found when she wanted to be found.
Instead, he lazily flipped channels on the TV in the living room. The couch was usually crammed with fussing, fighting occupants, but he had it all to himself tonight. Not that it mattered, since there was nothing on and he didn't feel like playing any video games. Wonderful. He continued channel surfing like he had for the last hour or so when he heard footsteps coming from the nearby hallway. With a sigh, he prepared to give up his lazing position on the couch, but stopped when he came face-to-face with Lucas.
Seeing his blank expression, her face contorted as if ready to cry. "..."
Ness sat like a statue, not moving and hardly breathing. Maybe if he didn't move, she couldn't see him... But, once again, his hunch was wrong as he felt himself pulled into a hormonally-emotional girly girl hug. Peach must've taught her that trick; to embrace her inner girl and creep out and/or annoy any boy she could with it...
"Ness, where've you been? I've been looking for you everywhere..."
"Yeah. I tend to do that. Just disappear for five or six hours so no one can find me if they need me."
Lucas took that literally, a downside of being a blonde chick. "Well, don't do it again. I really missed you! So much has been going on today, and I feel like you're the only one I can sit down and relax with!"
Oh, that was nice. A little warning beforehand that she was about to talk his ears off. Always thinking about the little guy.
Finished with that little soap opera moment, she turned to the boob tube.
...
...Boob tube? Boob tube?! Why did he just call the TV that, of all things?! Oh, right. He was right next to a would-be pair. How delightful. That didn't affect his train of thought at all.
"You're watching TV?" asked Lucas, again, experiencing the downside of being a blonde girl.
No, he wasn't watching TV. He was slaying a very large 10-headed dragon made of milk while skiing down a slope full of spaghetti. Of course he was watching TV!
"Why, yes. Yes, I am."
She smiled. "Can I join you?"
Say no! For the love of things holy, say no! It's a trick, a trap! That's how they get you! Don't give in to her demands! Just say no!
He smiled painfully. "Sure."
She beamed and took him up on that, sitting right next to him, completely violating his personal space. He decided to play it cool and ignore her until she started blabbing about something not worth listening to. This worked perfectly for about five seconds before Lucas used her newly-found women's intuition to sense this.
Not satisfied with Ness' cold shoulder, she took it upon herself to snap him out of it. She did this by placing a hand onto his chest and carefully tracing it down to the border of his pants. Its incessancy only succeeded in annoying the other psychic.
"Lucas?"
"Yes?"
"What're you doing?"
"...Touching you."
"...Why?"
"Peach told me not to hold back on my feelings and express myself as much as possible." She touched him again. "She said it helps me get in touch with myself if I get in touch with my feelings... So I'm doing that by touching you."
"Well, can you stop?"
She flashed him that, 'I'm a woman, and I'm about two seconds from knocking you the crap out' look. "...No."
He couldn't very well argue with that. "Okay, then."
"Good." And she continued violating him.
"..." Well, as cliché as it was to say, things could've been a lot worse.
"Hey, Lucaaaaas!"
Curse him for daring to trifle with the ironic ways of the cliché.
Lucas stopped and looked up to see Red coming their way. "Oh, uh, hey Red."
"Hey, Lucas." He made himself comfortable between them, practically bumping Ness off the couch. "Heard about the whole, uh... incident and came to see how you were doing."
"Oh." She lowered her head. "Well, I'm fine, but... Guess you don't want to hang out with me anymore, huh?"
"What, 'cuz you're a girl? No way!" He sneakily motioned for Ivysaur to come over, the plant-type thing carrying a variation of beautifully, hand-picked flowers that were actually forced-by-Red-to-be-picked. "Oh, whoops! Ivysaur, you naughty little gal, you! Now, where did you get those from?"
With a sigh, she recited, almost as if forced, ("They're a special delivery to a certain miss here. From you to her...") She then hissed, ("With love...")
Lucas gasped. "You mean, Ivysur's a girl, too? I never would've guessed."
"Yep, she may sound and look tough, but she's alllllll woman," Red gloated, petting her. He presented the flowers to Lucas. "So're you, as a matter of fact, and may I say you have never looked sweeter."
"Aww..." She took the flowers and smelled them. "Thank you..."
"No, thank you. For being the sweetest thing this side of the tourney." He pulled a small box of chocolate from his pants. Where'd he keep getting this stuff from? "Here's something to make you even sweeter."
"CHOCOL—" She stopped. "...Are these caramel-filled?"
Red blinked. "...They're assorted kinds?"
"Gimme!" She snatched it from him and tore into it like Red probably wanted to tear into her... Great, now he was gonna be picturing that all day.
"So, uh, you like those?" he asked, surprised it worked so well.
"Mm-hmm..."
"So, you're happy?"
"Mm-hmm..."
"So, you wanna maybe meet up with me later and... do something?"
"Mm-hmm..."
"Heh, sweet." He eyed Ness and sneered. "And you know I mean alone, right?"
"Mm-hmm..."
"Geez, those things must be delicious the way you're tearing into 'em." He carefully outstretched a hand. "Can I—?"
She slapped it with a flat and stern, "No."
"All right, all right... I'll just meet up with you... tonight... really, really late... Somewhere we can be alone... because I truly cherish our time together..." Smirking, he grabbed Ivysaur and made a hasty exit. "See ya then!"
"Mm-hmm..." And thus, the evils of chocolate were vanquished. They didn't stand a chance.
At that moment, Kirby walked up, looking very confused and nervous. He stood a good distance away from the couch, rocking back and forth on his feet. His face showed a great mixture of anxiety and indigestion. Finally coming to terms with whatever he was trying to come to terms with, he approached.
"U-uh, Lucas?" He blushed. "Um, should I call you... something... different, since you're... you're a... a... a..."
"A girl?" she finished, still not completely over it herself.
His blush deepened. "Yeah..."
"No, aside from that, nothing's really... changed."
"Oh, okay..." He held up a dandelion. "Um... I'm n-not really good at... talking to girls, but you're... the nicest, prettiest one I've ever seen..."
"Oh, uh..." She took it. "Thank you?"
"Uh, yeah. I know I didn't say this before, but... remember that time you cooked me soufflés and we had a breakfast party together because we were too busy fighting to get to eat?"
"Yeah...?"
"I really liked that. And um, you give me really nice hugs. Peach's are okay, too, but I feel better when you do it." He held up his stubby arms, smiling hopefully.
"Oh, you want one now?" Despite being puzzled over this sudden show of affection, Lucas embraced the ball.
Kirby's smile widened. "I'm glad we're friends, Lucas... And... And I hope you're glad we're friends, too..."
She frowned. "Okay..."
With that, the nervousness got to Kirby and he darted off, face redder than a Maxim Tomato. Almost like they were in line, Toon Link appeared right afterwards. He combed through his hair, wiped his nose, smelled his breath, pulled up his tunic, and took a deep breath. Ness could've sworn he heard him whisper, "Okay, man. You can do this..."
"Lucas?"
"Huh?"
He waved meekly. "Hi..."
Lucas returned it. "...Hi."
He carefully sat next to her, trying the soft, gentle boy approach. "...So, you're a girl, huh?"
"Yes..." she tiredly clarified, suggesting she was tiring of everyone asking that.
"Oh, um... Well, that's no big deal. You've always been a... delicate type. Getting used to it won't be so bad..."
"..." Lucas made a face. Exactly what it meant was unclear, but it didn't look happy.
"...Uh! What I mean to say is... if anyone here had to be turned into a girl, I'm glad it was you..."
"Uh, thank you?"
He laughed nervously. "Sure, no problem. And, uh, Lucas, don't tell anybody, but... I've kinda... sorta..." He played with his fingers. "...Even before I knew you were a girl... I thought you were sorta... pretty. I'm sorry, it was really hard to judge you as a guy."
"Oh, that's all right. I mean, if I didn't know, how could you?"
What followed was a pair of awkward, painful, gut-wrenching laughs that hurt just to hear. After a bit, Toon Link couldn't take it anymore and reached into his pants. Ness was about to show his displeasure on this when the cartoony hero pulled out a Heart Container, accompanied with the ever-annoying "Da-da-da-DAH!" fanfare.
"Here's a piece of my heart, if you'll have it..."
That was insanely tacky, but not bad, either. Kudos, Toon Link. Nothing like starting off on the right foot.
"Aw... and I will," Lucas tittered, taking it. "That's so sweet of you. Thanks."
"Yeah, I know you're a very passionate person, so maybe that'll break the ice a bit?"
She snapped up. "What?"
"UhgottagoLink'scallingmeokaybye!" He also dashed off, falling, then scrambling and continuing his sprint.
"Huh. This is so weird." Lucas put the Heart Container next to Kirby's dandelion and Red's flowers. "Dunno why those guys're being so nice to me today. Maybe... being a girl's not so bad, after all."
Ness wasn't blonde or a girl, so he knew exactly what was going on. Those losers were trying to move in on her! And using the fact of being her buddies to get closer, no doubt… Then again, could he blame them? She was the only available girl they had a snowball's chance in Hell of scoring with, and they were gonna pounce on that chance like flies on crap. It was so sad what women could do to a guy. At least he knew he was above that sort of thing...
Yeah, right. You wanna tap that, don'tcha?
SHUT UP!
His musings came to an end as Lucas addressed Popo. The male Ice Climber looked on blankly, twisting his mouth in uncertainty. Finally, a stupid grin found its way onto his face.
"I wish I was a tree and you were the dirt so I could be inside you."
Lucas reared back. "Ew!"
"Ah! I'm sorry!" He covered his head in shame and ran off. "Captain Falcon told me to say that! He said it would work! Blame him!"
Watching him disappear, Ness frowned as he began to realize something. He was actually a little... jealous. He knew Lucas was a girl before it was cool, but the second it leaks, everyone else wants a piece of it. Even that bastard Popo, who clearly had Nana, was trying his luck on her. It was like being a loser, winning the lottery, and suddenly, everyone wanted to be your friend. Red messing around was one thing, but he was now inclined to start playing defense when it came to his ditzy girl.
...No, Lucas wasn't his girl, she was his friend!
...But she's a girl now, so...
No! She was his buddy, his pal! A chum! That's all! Hormones did not have to come into this! Yeah, friends were cool and had to look out for each other, that's all! He was not in denial!
Saying you're not in denial means you're in denial. And why shouldn't you be? That right there's a nice piece of work.
"Well," Lucas jumped off the couch. "I'm starting to get a little creeped out now, so I think I'll turn in early. What about you? You coming to bed?"
Yeah, coming to bed? With me?
I'm not listening... I'm not listening...
"Nah, I'll be in later after a few more fights."
Yeah, to tuck you in. Without any pants on.
...I'm just gonna tune you out now...
"Okay. See you tomorrow, then." She turned and promptly exited. Of course, Ness only knew this because of the back view of her shorts, which he noticed were getting particularly snug on her...
You hate to see her go, but you love to see her leave...
Can't you give it a rest? ...For one minute?
"Free young girl ass. Inquire within." That's what vibe her butt is giving off. I can sense it. Popo had the right idea...
WHAT PART OF "SHUT UP" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!
Hey, hey. Put your fingers up to your face and pinch 'em from a distance. Y'know, for practice, so you can do it for real tonight.
Why do I even bother...?
Authoress' Notes: This is so wrong, but writing it feels so right. :)