6: Amano Yukiteru

I wasn't raised to believe in mystic ideas of fate and I certainly wasn't taught to be a romantic thinker. Still, some part of me does believe in those lofty ways of thinking. I don't think meeting Yuki could have been a coincidence. It's true that I didn't notice him when I began my class in spring 2010. I noticed him soon enough, however. It all started when I was typing a diary entry into my phone during a boring Japanese class.

"April 12th, 2010, Monday. I spent the night in the Cage again last night. This morning, Oto-sama let me out and yelled at Okaa-sama. He called her a name I don't know. He left for work without even looking at me. I was too hungry to skip breakfast, but that means I had to eat at the same time as Okaa-sama. She called me a pig and said I would never be married. Then I came here to school. Now, I am…"

I got stuck there. I realized that my entry was extremely depressing. A wave of despair washed over me. Was there even a point of writing anymore? I looked up from the phone where it lay hidden on my lap. Perhaps, I thought, I should write about my surroundings. Looking around, I saw that everybody was gazing at the teacher, the board, or their books, and jotting down notes or doodles. Everyone, that is, except for Amano Yukiteru.

He was on his phone, just like me. If he didn't hide it better, he was sure to be noticed by the teacher. For a moment, I played with the idea of putting away my own phone and then tattling on Yuki to get him in trouble. Two things stopped me. First, he was an adorable boy. I had never seen a kid with blue eyes in my class before, and the mix of Asian and Caucasian ethnicity was highly attractive to me. His hairstyle and the hat he wore were so cute. This boy had his own fashion sense. He was short and thin, but I had never liked buff guys, and preferred a touch of femininity, so Yuki looked all the more attractive to me.

The second reason I decided not to call out Yuki was that he seemed to be writing a diary on his phone. Whatever he was typing was longer than a text message and he seemed almost intensely focused on it. I concluded that we must be kindred spirits. Now and then, Yuki looked up from his phone and looked around the room. He seemed to be looking for things around him to write about. As I watched, he eventually turned his head toward me, and for a moment, our eyes locked.

Eyes say a lot about a person. In the west they say you can see a person's soul from their eyes. Putting aside mystical beliefs like that, psychologists and other scientists studying human behavior admit that eyes are special and crucial parts of human communication. I won't say that I fell in love at first sight. But I became obsessed at first sight. Looking into those timid but bright blue eyes made me certain that this boy would be the object of my attention, desire, and even love for years to come.

In Yuki, I saw everything that I was missing. The opportunity for friendship I had never been allowed to have and the chance for the romance that only appeared in my wildest dreams. Love. Affection. Praise. Something to protect, something to fight for, someone who would depend on me. Empowerment. Responsibility. Passion. Honesty. In Yuki, I saw the whole world. My world had been small and dark, but Yuki, by looking at me, had opened up a new universe.

I decided to commit myself to Yuki from then on. That spring, followed him all around to find out what his home was like as well as the places he liked to go. He was an exciting person to stalk because he was always looking at his surroundings for entries in his phone diary. Naturally, I wanted to talk to Yuki, and I did a couple of times, but they were only greetings or they were formal between me, the class representative, and Yuki, the student. Talking to him as a potential lover, or even talking to him as friend, were daunting challenges. I shied away from them, deciding that I needed to wait for the right time.

Deleting all the depressing entries about life at home, I restarted my phone diary. It was now a log of the activities of Amano Yukiteru, a diary of love and obsession. Since I had nothing to do beyond studying and being locked in the Cage, I devoted all my free time (and then some) to Yuki. I followed him and spied on him whenever I could get away from the house, even if it meant staying out late and being locked up all day the next day by my insane mother. I knew that stalking wasn't natural. I knew that certain people would find it creepy or upsetting. But I didn't care. I didn't know how else to prove my love. To me, there was no choice. I felt no remorse. Rather, I felt empowered and pleased when stalking Yuki.

This behavior continued for a couple of months. Then the time came for my first real conversation with Yuki. However short, it was special. And the promise we made, though maybe no more than a joke to Yuki, was the important thing in my life.

On that day, in May, everyone in class was taking a survey of their future goals or dreams. I didn't even want to think about it. I was losing weight again and I knew I would have to start stealing more food. I might be caught at any time since the cops in Sakurami were most used to catching thieves and traffic violators rather than more serious felons. Anyway, I was also suffering from anemia, passing out sometimes, and the previous day, my mother forgot to leave me any water in the Cage. I might be hospitalized or even die of dehydration or a deficiency.

It seemed like my future options were jail or the grave. If I could survive the next few years, my parents might arrange marriage interviews, but that sounded horrible to me, because the only person I wanted to marry was Yuki. So I wrote the truth on that depressing sheet of paper, however hopeless it may be: "I want to become the bride of Amano Yukiteru."

Speaking of whom, I saw that Yuki was not finished with his survey yet. I decided to wait and turn mine in when he did. It turned out that Yuki was having even more trouble than me thinking of something to write. I waited and waited, and eventually everyone else finished their surveys and left. The teacher stepped out for few minutes, probably for a "special appointment" with one of the younger female teachers. Only Yuki and I remained in the classroom.

It took every bit of courage within me to leave my desk, start walking, and approach Yuki's desk. But I did it. I hoped I wasn't blushing. I couldn't help smiling a little as I said asked him,

"What's wrong? You couldn't think of what to write either?"

Yuki gave no direct answer, so I leaned over a bit and looked at his sheet. I read what he had written in light pencil, some of it partly erased already. "With my family, I want to go look at the stars."

I looked back at Yuki, but he stared down at the paper, beginning in a low voice, "Last week. …Last week, To-san and Kaa-san divorced. And well, we bought a telescope, but the promise to see the stars fell through." He gave a short, forced laugh. "It's weird, right? I'll change it." He began erasing the characters right away, blushing lightly.

I put my hand over his, stopping him from erasing it. "It's not weird," I said seriously.

"No, I really think it's weird," Yuki insisted, as I released his hand. "I mean, the teacher is going to see this, too."

Did he think it was childish to wish to see the stars with his parents? A boy his age would usually wish for a date with a girl. So I smiled and said, "Well, then. Would you like to see the stars with me?" I continued without thinking, my heart thundering. "There's an observatory not too far from here. It's a good idea, right?"

"But I wanted to do it with my family," Yuki said, though still embarrassed.

I gave an overdone sigh and said, "Really, you're so picky." He obviously couldn't tell that I had asked him out. I wanted to get the message across. At that point, I thought "what the hell," and picked up Yuki's pencil. "Well, how about this?" I asked, while writing.

I wrote my own wish on his paper. "I want to be your bride in the future."

Yuki stared up at me for a few seconds with his beautiful, wide eyes. I just smiled and looked back at him. He must have thought I was joking. But he seemed alright with playing along. After a few seconds, he smiled and nodded. It was the first time I'd seen him smile at school.

"Sure," he said, "when we grow up."

I nodded back at him, blushing despite myself.

After that, the teacher came back in and asked if we were done yet. Suddenly feeling awkward and embarrassed, Yuki and I turned in our sheets. He said goodbye and went ahead home for the day. I decided I would stay under the pretense of cleaning up my desk, and secretly follow him home. However, the courage to do so left me, like the color that drained from my face.

It was because the reality had hit me. I had basically asked out Yuki, and without even understanding that I liked him, he had more or less refused. Sure, he said we would marry in the future, but he may not have been serious. Even if he was, exactly how far away was that "future"? Could I wait that long? Should I try to clearly tell him I loved him? Would I even live to be around him for much longer? I wondered what to do.