Author's Note:Alphonse is actually my favorite FMA character ^3^
I have no idea why I torment him so…
Anyway, sorry for the late chapter! Work and research papers and all…
Chapter 6: The Internet
STD and Fat-Ass sat atop a roof, observing the smoldering scene below them. As they watched, Roy smacked the back of Ed's head, and then Ed handed him a card.
"Looks like the Fullmetal brat did the work for us," said STD. Fat-Ass was chewing on a piece of celery, the hunger pains on the brink of unbearable.
"Has Zit shown up yet?" asked STD.
"No," said Fat-Ass, pausing his eating for a bit to look at her. "Do you think this black leotard makes me look fat?"
"Fat-Ass, we need to talk about your eating problems," said STD. "Dad designed you to be overweight, I don't think this diet is help-"
"Coach says I'm in control!" said Fat-Ass. "I didn't choose my body, but I can choose to eat better!"
STD sighed. She stared off into the horizon and vaguely wondered if Spam was slipping him estrogen pills again.
A few minutes passed, the silent air penetrated by the crunchy sound of celery death. Then, Fat-Ass stopped eating and looked up. "I think I can smell that Ishbalan," he said, sniffing the air.
"Good." STD got up from the ledge she was sitting on. "Let's take care of him before he turns any more of our precious sacrifice candidates into sidewalk art."
Zit wandered through the sewers, frowning. "How did I get in these sewers?"
Just then, he heard movement behind him.
"Who's there?" he said, turning around to look for the source of the sound.
"No one," said Fat-Ass, who was hiding around the corner.
"Idiot," said STD, who was standing near him.
Zit slammed his hand against the sewer wall and sent an explosion their way. They jumped out just in time and charged at him.
"Bite him, Fat-Ass!"
Fat-Ass hesitated, and Zit took the chance to blow up his side.
"IDIOT!" STD launched at Zit instead. Never send a man to do a woman's job, she thought as she extended her blade-like fingers and let a smirk play upon her lips.
She tripped on her 8-inch heels and fell flat on her face.
Zit, who was very excitable, most unwisely tried exploding the wall again to crush them but ended up blasting the whole sewer on top of them.
Second Lieutenant Maria Ross and Sergeant Denny Brosh stood outside a study room door at the Central Library, waiting for the Elric brothers to finish deciphering Dr. Marcoh's research notes on the Internet, which were disguised as recipes.
Since Zit was supposedly still at large, they were ordered to protect the brothers. The two officers weren't too fond of their babysi- er, escort job. In the few days they had been escorting the brothers, Ed had already played a cruel joke on them by transmuting his dinner and some spare clothes into what looked like an exploded version of himself and leaving it in the center of his room at the inn. Later, he threw up in their car.
They'll arrest Zit soon, I'm sure of it, thought Maria Ross. That or he successfully kills Ed. Either way this can't be forever.
"No, no, no, no, NO." said Ed, banging Ancient Alchemic Runes for Dummies against his forehead. They had been at it for a week and were more clueless now than when they began. He then let his head rest against a small area of clear desk.
The rather large desk that the two brothers were sitting at was laden with a hundred or so books- books of many colors, some shiny, some leather-bound, some so old they had no covers, some thin as notebooks, some thick as a car tire, and all without a single picture.
"Niisan, when we dropped out of school to go on this journey to get our bodies back, you said we wouldn't have to study anymore," said Al. "You promised me an adventure. I don't like studying. Make it go away."
"I'm trying Al, I'm trying, but this isn't making any sense," said Ed, lifting up his head and grabbing some of the notes he took.
"Like this- what the hell does 'lol' mean?"
"I don't know, but it must have somethingto do with the Internet, Marcoh wrote it all over his research notes-"
"And this, what is this- 'The Tale of a Walrus and His Bukkit-' it's all gibberish!"
"Maybe we did something wrong?"
Ed sighed and rubbed his temples. "Let me think, let me think…" He really wished he had Batman's investigative skills.
"Hey why don't we-"
"We're not bringing Batman to life again. Stop suggesting it."
"Okay, okay…" Ed crossed his arms and thought some more.
"Why don't we just ask Dr. Marcoh himself?" asked Al.
"Pfffft no way! That'd be admitting defeat!"
"Why are they written like this anyway?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, like, the recipes. Why go through the trouble?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Ed puffed out his chest. "Us State Alchemists are very protective of our work," he said. "We write our research in codes to prevent just anyone from looking at them. Take me, for example. I write my research notes in Pig Latin."
"What research notes?"
Ed's chest deflated like that one time STD hugged a porcupine. "Never mind. Let's just keep going…we still have a lot more to decipher in these recipes, I'm sure it'll all connect somehow."
"All right, Niisan."
Three days went by. It was uneventful for the most part, except for Second Lieutenant Hughes stopping by earlier to solicit college funds for Elicia from them. Also, Ed had taken a break and ended up stuck inside a vending machine for two hours, having mistaken a can of Red Bull for beer and being too cheap to pay the 70 Sens for it.
Currently, Ross and Brosh were about to enjoy a nice nap against the door they were guarding when they were shaken by a loud scream.
"%(&^#%(^&#($^&!%$#%^$%&^%*&^*!"
The two of them stormed into the study room, guns at the ready.
"What? What is it?"
"Is it Zit? Where is he?"
They found the brothers sitting on the floor, being all angsty and emo.
"Is this another one of your jokes, Edward, sir?" asked Ross, barely able to keep the annoyance out of her voice.
"No…it's just…we finally deciphered it," said Ed.
"Deciphered what?"
"The secret ingredient to creating the Internet," said Al.
"What is it?"
"The secret ingredient…it's…it's…oregano..."
Ross and Brosh looked at each other, and then back at Ed.
"Well, that isn't so bad-"
"OREGANO IS PEOPLE!"
Ed slammed his fists onto the open Ancient Alchemic Runes for Dummiesbook, which was open to a page on the symbolism of spices. Ross and Brosh could clearly read oregano = people from where they stood.
Ed seemed devastated. "How could the army have done such a thing in Ishbal..!" He threw back his head and clenched his fists, crumpling some of the book's pages. "People shouldn't be used like that! That's just wrong!"
Al suddenly recalled a time he was used as a step ladder, not twenty minutes ago.
"It would take at least five lives just for a little bit of dial-up!" continued Ed.
The two officers were in shock. "I can't believe the military has done something so inhumane!" said Brosh.
"Unforgivable!" said Ross.
"Second Lt. Ross…Sgt. Brosh…can you please not tell anyone about this?"
"But-"
"Please," said Ed. "Please act like you've never heard this."
"What are we gonna do now, Niisan?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"…No?"
"We're gonna stick our noses where they don't belong!" replied Ed, standing up.
"Oh, good. Let's do that. That's never gotten us in trouble, no."
Back at Central HQ, Roy was walking around while looking important in order to get noticed and possibly promoted. He was currently making a somber face and talking to Hawkeye in a low, serious voice.
"…and so with every achievement the female officers accomplish, they get to make their miniskirt one inch shorter. How does that sound?"
"It sounds idiotic, sir."
"How so?"
"Many reasons, sir. Many reasons."
"Hm."
"Sir, if I may ask, what are we doing here? We've been going in circles for an hour."
"I'm not leaving until I get promoted! And besides, if I'm the one to catch Zit, it'll boost my reputation and I'll get one step closer to being the Fuhrer."
"Sir, you should be careful saying such statements. They could be considered traitorous."
"And when I'm Fuhrer," he continued, ignoring her, "the first thing I'm gonna do is ban water guns and fire extinguishers. That way, I'll be undefeatable."
"Right, sir."
"Was it a gas explosion?"
"Maybe it was a terrorist attack."
Several soldiers awaited Colonel Mustang's arrival near the rubble where something from within the sewers had blown up.
"Maybe it was global warming."
The other soldiers looked at the one who said this. One of them approached him.
"Global warming. Blew up the sewer."
"Yeah."
"Tom…you're an idiot."
"Roy Mustang: Fire Hazard." Roy Mustang had arrived at the scene. Liza Hawkeye followed behind him as usual, her fingers lingering ever so longingly on the handle of her gun.
Mustang spotted Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc somewhere up ahead and walked up to him.
"Havoc! What's going on?"
"We think it was Zit," explained Havoc.
"Is there a corpse?"
"No, but we found this celery stick."
"Well then keep looking!" Mustang adjusted his collar a bit. "I won't feel at ease until his death is confirmed! No breaks until it is so!"
"But sir, it'll take weeks-"
"And while you're searching, I'll be at Starbucks typing on my laptop, because women find that sexy. Come, Lt. Parrotbeak."
Hawkeye stared at him. "Sir?"
"Ever since Fullmetal called you 'Lt. Pigeonfoot,' I came up with all sorts of ideas to screw with your name. Doesn't that sound fun?"
"Not really."
Again, STD and Fat-Ass were looking at the scene from somewhere above, STD very annoyed.
"You let him get away," she said.
"Do you think liposuction is expensive?" asked Fat-Ass.
"Here's what I think," she replied as she snipped off his head.
"There. You can use that as an exercise ball."
To her surprise and annoyance, he proceeded to do so.
"The Elrics haven't had any breakfast yet."
Brosh and Ross were in the lobby, waiting for Armstrong.
"Yeah, it's no wonder, after what they found out-"
"WHAT DID THEY FIND OUT?"
The two officers nearly leaped out of their skins.
"M-Major Armstrong! We didn't hear you behind us!"
"THAT'S BECAUSE I'M STEALTHY. LIKE A CANOE. WHAT WERE YOU TWO WHISPERING ABOUT?"
"Oh, nothing, it's a secret," said Brosh.
"OH? I LOVE SECRETS. PLEASE, LET US SHARE SECRETS. IT SHALL BE FUN."
"No," said the two of them desperately. "Please, we don't want-"
"WHEN I WAS BUT A YOUNG LAD OF FIFTEEN, I DISCOVERED AN AMAZING NEW USE FOR SCOTCH TAPE-"
"OH GOD WE'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING!" said Brosh.
"JUST PLEASE DON'T SAY ANY MORE!" said Ross.
"Niisan, you should go eat," said Al. "It's not good to drink on an empty stomach."
"This sucks," slurred Ed, who was splayed out on the couch. "We'd have to kill people to get our bodies back! That's totally illegal!"
"And wrong, Niisan."
"And whatnow?"
"Never mind."
Ed sighed. "You know Al, there was something that I've always wanted to ask you…but it was something I was too scared to ask."
"What is it?"
Just then, someone blew up a hole near their door and burst inside.
"EDWARD ELRIC," boomed Armstrong, "I HAVE HEARD WHAT YOU DISCOVERED, AND IT IS MOST ATROCIOUS."
"Why do you keep doing that?" said an exasperated Al. "There's a door! There's always a door!"
"I HAD A TRAUMATIZING CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE WITH A DOORKNOB, YOU SEE," explained the Major. "IT ALL STARTED WHEN MY FAMILY CHANGED THEM TO THOSE ROUND ONES-"
"Please stop," said Al. "I'm sorry I asked."
"…AND SO I BELIEVE LABORATORY 3 IS THE MOST SUSPICIOUS ONE."
A few minutes later, the five of them hovered over a map of the city on the coffee table, Armstrong having just explained the country's main laboratories and why number 3 was suspicious.
"…because it's next to a Starbucks?"
"YES. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT SCIENCING IS HARD WORK, SO COFFEE WOULD BE A NECESSARY COMMODITY. ADDITIONALLY, ONLY EVIL FIENDS WOULD USE LIVE HUMANS IN EXPERIMENTS, HENCE THE LOYALTY TO STARBUCKS."
"What about this one?" asked Ed, pointing to what looked like an empty building.
"THAT WOULD BE LABORATORY 5, THOUGH THERE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE ANYTHING GOING ON THERE SINCE IT'S ABANDONED."
"Hold on," Ed noticed something. "There's a dental clinic next to it."
"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Al.
"Everyone knows that dentists are *hic* extremely suicidal," explained Ed. "Wouldn't it be a perfect cover for using them to make the Internet?"
"INTERESTING POINT. I SHALL INVESTIGATE THE MATTER THOROUGHLY. IN THE MEANTIME, I FORBID EITHER OF YOU TO GO TO THAT LABORATORY."
"You're not my *hic* dad!"
"I think we should listen to him, Niisan."
"Pfffft."
"YOU TWO KEEP AN EYE ON THEM," he said to Brosh and Ross.
"Yes, sir!"
Ed, whose sense of timing was off, tried sneaking out the window right then and there. Armstrong pulled him back by the scruff of his neck. "I AM SERIOUS, EDWARD ELRIC. IF YOU TRY TO SNEAK OUT I SHALL BE FORCED TO INFORM THE COLONEL OF YOUR INSUBORDINATE BEHAVIOR. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HE ENJOYS PUNISHING YOU WITH THE VUVUZELA."
"Oh God, I hate the vuvuzela," said Ed. He still had a constant ringing noise in his left ear from when Mustang got pissed about the library fire. "Okay okay, we'll stay put. I promise."
"Pffffft, like hell we will," said Ed later that night, sneaking away from the inn where he and Al had just climbed out of their room window.
"Niisan, why are we doing this again?"
"Because Armstrong told us not to!"
"…That's it?"
"Yep. That's pretty much how I roll."
"Niisan, that's no way to go through-"
"Hey if I had listened to you and never tried bringing Batman to life, you wouldn't have that totally awesome armor body now."
"…"
"Besides, according to the map, there's a brewery nearby. We should totally sneak in."
"What?"
"Yeah!"
"No!"
"What?" Ed stopped in his tracks.
"I said no, Niisan! I'm putting my foot down!"
Ed stood there in shock. Al had never said "No" to him before.
"If we're gonna do something reckless and stupid, we might as well sneak into lab 5 and probably die!"
"…Huh. Good point, Al. Let's go!" And so Ed went down another street.
"What did I just do?"
"Pfffft 'abandoned' my ass, look at that guard over there," said Ed. The two of them had found laboratory 5, and were currently observing the entrance from behind a tree.
"Niisan, why are you pointing at that lamppost?"
"I don't know." Ed started sneaking towards the side of the building. Nearby at the dental clinic, several nooses hung from the lawn trees. "Let's *hic* sneak into the lab and see if we find anything."
"I don't think we should-"
"Trust me Al, we won't get caught."
"We don't know that for sure," said Al as he followed him. "Remember when we sneaked into old Fergusons's corn crop?"
"Heheh, yeah," said Ed, making his way up the wall. "He was so pissed. I wonder if your *hic* body still has those scars."
"Remind me why I'm following you again?" asked Al as he climbed the wall after Ed.
"You'd rather be with me and face death and despair than sit at the inn with Armstrong watching Two and a Half Men."
"…Yeah, you're right."
CHAPTER EPILOGUE:
Somewhere, a woman with picture-perfect memory named Sheska was selling her body on a shady street corner to pay for her mother's hospital bills.
Author's Note: I want the "OREGANO IS PEOPLE" line to live on forever.
PS- I honestly don't know what's wrong with Armstrong.