Chapter 5: Christmas Present

Ivan was woken up by noises coming from the kitchen.

'An intruder, perhaps?' he thought nervously. He picked up his faucet pipe and got out of bed. 'Well, I better go down there and deal with this guy. I've gotta protect Katyusha and Natalia—well, mainly Katyusha—after all.'

Ivan tiptoed quietly down the stairs and made his way to the kitchen. He saw the refrigerator light on, and the form of someone digging through the thing.

"Oh, no," Ivan said to himself. "Someone's in my fridge…eating my food!" He then went inside the kitchen and raised his faucet pipe. "I've got a faucet pipe!" he said fearfully.

Just then, the "intruder" turned around. The person was a big man (bigger than Ivan himself!) with a beard and wore a happy expression. He looked a tiny bit like Santa, but very different.

"Well, hi, there!" the "intruder" exclaimed jovially.

"Uh…who are you?" asked Ivan. He was still holding the faucet pipe.

"Why, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present," said the man.

"Are you this second ghost that's supposed to visit me?" Ivan asked.

"Of course I am," the ghost replied.

"How do I know you're not here to steal my food?" Ivan asked suspiciously. "I mean, you've eaten a lot of it already."

"Hey, I'm a ghost, but I need my nutrition, too," the Ghost of Christmas Present said, crossing his arms and glaring.

"Okay, okay, sorry," Ivan said.

"Touch my robe, and we'll go," said the ghost.

"I don't wanna touch—" said Ivan.

"Touch it," the ghost commanded firmly.

"Oh, alright," said Ivan. He touched the ghost's robe, and then found himself outside.

Ivan looked around at everyone. The atmosphere was filled with joy.

"Wait…what's going on here?" Ivan asked.

"You fool, it's Christmas morning," the ghost replied as if Ivan ought to have known.

"Christmas morning?" asked Ivan.

"Yes, Christmas morning," said the ghost. "Come on, there's something I need to show you."

Ivan followed the ghost. "Where exactly are we going?"

"You'll see," the ghost replied. "Oh, first, I need to make a quick stop."

"Where?" asked a confused Ivan. He then saw that they stopped in front of the Jones-Kirkland's house.

"Wait," Ivan spoke up again. "What are we doing here?"

"Juuuust watch," the ghost said distractedly.

Ivan saw the eldest brother, 23-year-old Arthur, at the stove. "It's just Arthur cooking."

"Just keep watching," said the ghost.

Arthur was still at the stove. He now had a spell book open, and he was chanting something. The chant was directed at whatever he was cooking.

"Hey, Iggy," said Alfred, one of Arthur's younger brothers. Alfred was 12, and he was wearing a sweater and pants pulled down so part of his underwear was showing. "What's for breakfast, bro?"

"Al!" Arthur exclaimed, now distracted from his cooking. He saw Alfred's underwear sticking out of his pants. "Bloody hell! Pull your pants up!"

"Don't be such a stick in the mud," Alfred whined. He pulled his pants up. "Okay, they're up…Uh…Iggy…"

"What?" asked Arthur.

"Is that supposed to boil over?" Alfred asked nervously.

"What?" Arthur exclaimed when he saw his food boiling over.

Outside, Ivan saw the ghost cracking up. "What's so funny?"

The ghost didn't answer, so Ivan was stuck watching.

"Shit!" Alfred exclaimed.

"Hey, everyone, what's going on?" asked Alfred's younger twin brother, Matthew. Matthew was holding a baby polar bear.

"Wait…two Alfred's?" Arthur said in confusion.

"I'M MATTHEW!" Matthew yelled. He stomped his feet.

"Oh…sorry about that, Matthew," said Arthur. He felt really embarrassed.

"Yeah, what's going on?" asked 8-year-old Peter, the youngest of the Jones-Kirkland brothers. "Arthur, I want food now, you British jerk of jerks."

"Guys, the stove!" Alfred yelled.

"Oh, shiiiiit!" the other three brothers shouted.

"Everyone, hit the deck!" Alfred shouted. He tackled Matthew and Peter to the ground, while Arthur ran to the stove.

"Iggy, noooooooo!" Alfred yelled, reaching out for his big brother.

"Forget about the food!" Matthew yelled. But, as usual, Arthur didn't hear him.

"Iggy!/Arthur!" all three boys shouted.

Whatever Arthur was cooking blew up in the kitchen. Arthur was still alive, however; he was just very filthy and really needed a shower.

After Arthur took a shower and the kitchen was just about cleaned up, the ghost started laughing really hard.

"I don't see what was so funny about that," Ivan commented. Again, the ghost didn't reply.

Arthur was helping clean up what was left of the mess when he saw the Ghost of Christmas Present laughing it up outside the kitchen window.

"Argh! Not again!" he shouted.

"Iggy, what's wrong?" asked Alfred.

"It's that bloody ghost again!" Arthur said angrily. He grabbed his coat and went to the door.

"B-bloody ghost?" Alfred said. "You mean like Freddy Kruger?"

"No, I don't mean like Freddy Kruger," Arthur said shortly. "I mean, that bloody Ghost of Christmas Present! He's laughing at me!" He stormed out the door.

"He's coming, Sir Ghostliness," said Ivan.

"Oh, shit," said the ghost. "Okay, let's ruuuuun!"

"Uh…right," said Ivan. He and the ghost started running.

Peter came running out and saw Ivan and the ghost, only he didn't know it was Ivan because he didn't see Ivan's face.

"Arthur! He's getting away!" Peter called. "And he's got a friend with him this time!"

"Oh, a friend, eh?" Arthur said crossly. He ran after the retreating duo, but they got away.

"Dammit!" said Arthur. "Bloody fucking hell! I'll get you yet, Ghost of Christmas Present!"

Alfred came out and went up to Arthur. "Hey, Iggy, are you done chasing after your imaginary enemy? 'Cause breakfast is ready."

"Al, he's not imaginary," said Arthur. "That was the Ghost of Christmas Present. Every year, on Christmas Day, this bloody jerk loves to heckle me while I'm cooking!"

"Chillax, Iggy," said Alfred.

"One of these days, one of these days, I'll get that bloody jerk ghost!" Arthur said, ignoring Alfred.

When they got in the house, Alfred picked up Arthur and carried him above his head.

"Put me down!" Arthur said.

"You're going to relax," said Alfred, plopping Arthur into a chair. "Mattie made pancakes.

"Yay, pancakes!" Peter cheered.

"Thanks, Mattie," said Arthur.

"Well, dig in, everyone," said Matthew.

The four brothers all ate their pancakes.

Meanwhile, Ivan and the ghost stopped running.

"I think that's enough exercise to last me a month," Ivan said, catching his breath. "Why did you do that anyway?"

"Because Arthur Jones-Kirkland is my source of amusement this time of year," said the ghost.

"That's not very nice," said Ivan.

"Neither are you," said the ghost.

Ivan wanted to say something back but didn't. He followed the ghost around town again. "Where exactly are we going?"

No reply from the ghost until they stopped to look in another house.

"Hey, this is Claus Beilschmidt's house," said Ivan. "What are we doing here?"

"Let's go inside," said the ghost. He led Ivan into the Beilschmidt's house.

"Uh, what's so pressing that we had to come here?" asked Ivan.

"Just take a look," the ghost said exasperatedly.

Ivan took a look at the family in the house. They all looked like they were having a good time (to him).

"Roddy, why do you wear those glasses?" Gilbert asked. "You don't need 'em."

"I look plain without them," Roderich replied.

"Oh," said Gilbert.

"Okay, they all look like they're having a good time," said Ivan. "Let's go."

"No, we can't go yet," said the ghost. "My job was to show you what's going on with this family, and I didn't do that yet."

"Fine, fine," said Ivan. "Just tell me so I can go back home."

"Okay," said the ghost. He looked at Gilbert, who was laughing at something on TV. The child gave a slight cough. "Gilbert there's not doing too well."

"Come on, guys, time for breakfast," said Elise.

"Yummy!" Gilbert said happily.

The family went to the table and sat down…although Ludwig was still talking to a rather chatty Feliciano on his cell.

"Lui, you, too," said Claus. "Time to eat."

"Okay," said Ludwig. "Uh, Feli, I have to go…no, Feli, I will not be back in one second, more like half an hour at the least…Feli, stop talking for just one second, please…I have to go…Feli, please stop talking…Okay, thanks. I've gotta go now. I'll see you and Kiku later." He hung up.

"What's wrong with Gilbert?" Ivan asked after viewing the Ludwig-trying-to-get-off-the-phone scenario.

"He was born with a weak heart," the ghost replied. "The poor child's been on the waiting list for a transplant since day 1. Just the other day, Claus and Elise were told that the doctors found a matching heart for their son."

"Well, why don't they take him and get the transplant done?" Ivan asked.

"Because they don't have the money," the ghost replied. "And their insurance is pretty much useless in the transplant area."

"This is really good, Ellie," Claus said.

"You should tell that to your dad, too," said Elise. "He helped."

"Great job as well, Dad," said Claus.

"Thanks, son," said Germania.

"Well, Merry Christmas, everyone," said Claus. "And a Merry Christmas to Mr. Braginski as well."

"Yeah, a Merry Christmas, indeed," Elise said sarcastically and angrily. "I'd like to go down to where you work and just…strangle that man! He didn't even give you a raise last month when you needed it for Gilbo!"

"Ellie, please," Claus pleaded. "Not in front of the kids. It's Christmas Day."

"Fine," said Elise. "I'll hold my tongue."

"I agree with you, Mom," Ludwig said. "That man's such a grouch. And a cheapskate, too."

Ivan looked at Gilbert, who wasn't eating much. "Will the kid be okay?"

"'Will he be okay?'" the ghost said disbelievingly. "Well, the way things are now, no. No, he won't be okay. He'll die if things stay the way they are."

"No, that can't be," said Ivan. "He's gotta live, he just has to! He's just a child."

"What do you care?" said the ghost. "You hate his dad's guts."

"But—" Ivan said. But he was interrupted when the ghost disappeared and left him alone in the streets.

Suddenly, the streets became dark, and there wasn't a soul outside.