Promise

by IDontKnowYourSignal

Life is full of promise. After all, it's part of the human condition. It's the potential, the possibilities, that we rely on, that we draw on, when hope starts to fade. It's the grounds for expectation, anticipation. It's all the assurances and declarations that encourage us to expose our vulnerable hearts.

6. Chapter 6

Look down
The ground below is crumbling
Look up
The stars are all exploding

It's the last day on earth
In my dreams (my dreams, my dreams) In my dreams (my dreams, my dreams)
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my dreams

Between the dust and the debris
There's a light surrounding you and me

It's the last day on earth
In my dreams (my dreams, my dreams) In my dreams (my dreams, my dreams)
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my dreams

In my head I replay our conversations
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations
You know me, I love to lose my mind
And every time anybody speaks your name I still feel the same
I ache, I ache, I ache inside

In my head I replay our conversations
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations
You know me, I love to lose my mind (it's the last)
And every time anybody speaks your name I still feel the same
I ache, I ache, I ache inside (day on earth)

I ache, I ache, I ache inside
I ache, I ache, I ache inside
I ache, I ache, I ache inside

"The Last Day on Earth" Kate Miller-Heidke, "Curioser" (2008)

Georg stared out the window towards the end of the terrace, watching Maria seated on the bench surrounded by the children. He could probably stand there for hours dreaming. Totally engrossed. Completely fascinated. In the past weeks he had. He'd watch on, wishing he could just forget everything else, everyone else. In the beginning, he just wanted to be part of their fun. But, as the weeks passed, he just wanted to see her smile, to make her laugh. To let her see how much he'd changed. To impress her.

He'd been vaguely aware of Max on the couch, talking away in the distance. He'd been absentmindedly throwing answers over his shoulder to Max's questions, but now he was no longer listening to his friend. He was far too lost in his own thoughts. She was back. But he still wasn't sure why she left, he could only guess. He knew it wasn't because she missed the Abbey. God knows, she was too free-spirited, far too vibrant to be held back behind the walls of Nonnberg. Surely, it can't be part of God's plan to keep her for himself, he found himself wondering. Even she must question her own suitability for such a vocation, surely.

He might not understand why she left, but it was clear why she returned. Part of him wished it was for him. But he knew that it was for the children. Not him at all. If anything, his indifference last night was probably what sent her running into the night. It felt like a physical blow to know that he'd hurt her so badly that she'd felt she had to run off without a word. But he deserved to carry the burden of knowing how much he'd hurt her.

His behaviour had been inexcusable. But as long as he stood at the window, he could at least keep telling himself that she returned to him as much as the children. He could pretend. He was afraid to join them on the terrace in case he was confronted with the truth. Knowing that she didn't care for him would be unbearable. Letting her spend time alone with the children was really just him delaying the inevitable. He could hold onto the dream that she cared for him, just a little bit longer.

Avoiding the truth and pretending. The two things he'd become a master at over the past four years. He'd spent so much of that time trying to convince himself he was someone he wasn't. That he wasn't running away from his children and memories that were too painful to face. That he wasn't a coward. Why not indulge himself for a few more minutes? Why couldn't he pretend for just a few more precious minutes that he meant something to her?

Looking from the study now, there was none of the usual laughter and joy that had become so familiar. The familiar smiles and fun that always found him wishing he could join them were missing. He'd hurt her so badly, and now he was hurting his children all over again. Was he ever going to learn?

He couldn't guess how much time had drifted by over the summer just looking out at Maria and the children. Sometimes, she'd look across from the terrace or the lawn and notice him. As their eyes locked, he'd feel his breath catch. Everything would be suspended for a few glorious moments until, eventually, one of the children would pull her attention back to whatever game they were playing. She'd turn away, leaving him all alone again. Leaving him wishing the hours away. Wishing it was the end of the day, just so he could have her all to himself. Their late evening meetings in his study were easily his favourite part of the day. God, what was it about this woman? He'd lost count how many times he asked himself that question. He still didn't have the answer.

It had been the same with Agathe. During summer, she'd spend hours outdoors during the day with the children. He'd love nothing more than watching from a distance. Mesmerised by her beauty, astounded that she'd somehow fallen in love with him, marvelling that he'd been so blessed. When he found the distance unbearable, he'd venture out and join them. Many times he'd wished he could join Maria, but he had to keep his distance.

He'd sit with Agathe on a blanket, often nursing one of the younger children as they watched the older ones play along the lawn. The children were so much younger then. Looking at them now, he couldn't believe how much they'd grown. He'd loved the feeling of Agathe leaning into him as they sat together. Feeling her against him, brushing the hair from her eyes, skating a finger along her arm to watch the trail of goose bumps, his lips clinging to the back of her neck as he kissed her softly, suggestively, with the promise of so much more to come. It would always leave him wanting more. Desperate to be alone with her. Impatient to have her to himself.

God, he could feel that familiar ache.

It had been unbearable after Agathe's passing. There'd been no relief. Everywhere he turned, every memory, everything that was familiar became a reminder of all that he'd lost. He'd lost everything. Or so he'd thought. So he'd convinced himself. It had been easy. After all, Agathe wasn't just his world. She was so much more. Somehow, she'd held his world together. Without her, everything started falling apart. He fell apart. It was inevitable. It was immediate.

There'd been times when he'd tried to pull himself out of the blackness he'd fallen into. Each time, he failed spectacularly. Looking back, he probably pushed himself deeper into the darkness each time. Agathe was the one who knew how to reach him when he was gripped by dark memories, haunting images, self-doubts. Without her, he was lost. The misery and pain, because she was no longer there, was unbearable. Without her, how could he fill the void she left? He couldn't even pretend to. It was too great. Even for him, a decorated war hero.

Over time, God knows he'd tried to find relief, but it had been useless. It had taken him two years before he'd even held another woman. It had been on a dance floor. A waltz. He'd felt nothing. It had done nothing to ease the pain. He'd met Elsa soon after. He'd hoped it would be different with her. But holding her in his arms didn't ease the pain. Didn't stop the ache. It wasn't Elsa's fault. She just wasn't Agathe. But somehow Elsa had convinced him that was all he could hope for. Maybe he'd hoped that over time it might change. Become something. But it hadn't.

Eventually, he'd given up all hope of ever easing the pain. The agony of all that he'd lost was still there. He'd grown used to bracing himself, hardening himself, protecting himself from a world without Agathe. But this summer, something had changed. God knows, this summer something had stirred.

He felt like he'd finally woken up. This summer he'd felt more alive than he ever had in the past four years. Since he'd returned from Vienna, the constant ache had eased. In the beginning, it had been gradual. Like a slow awakening. Now he could hear Agathe's name without his breath catching. Without his heart feeling like it was going to break. He could face the memories head on. Now he looked on them with the fondness they deserved, rather than the anger and overwhelming sorrow.

Smiling, he watched as Maria lifted Gretl up to her lap, holding her close. She brushed her cheek. Probably wiping away the tears, he thought, feeling the stab of guilt, knowing that he'd caused them. Elsa had saved him from himself to some extent. But who'd have imagined that Maria would rescue the entire family? Their saviour had come in the most unlikely form.

A young postulant, hardly much older than Liesl, yet wise beyond her years. She was far too outspoken, she'd just say whatever came into her mind. She was completely unaware of social standings, totally devoid of airs and graces. Hopelessly transparent. Beautifully natured. Wonderfully unconventional.

And despite all sense and reason, he found her utterly adorable. He could lose himself completely in those blue eyes of hers. His day was complete if he could coax a smile. Making her laugh, made everything else pale into insignificance. It all defied comprehension and made no sense. Hell, he couldn't even explain it to himself. He'd tried to fight it, tried to keep his distance and his feelings at bay. But that proved impossible.

Spending more time together, getting to know Maria, he became more and more fascinated. He needed to discover more. He wanted to spend more time with her. He sought her out, was drawn to her. Their evening meetings weren't nearly enough. She was so damn refreshing, finally he could feel himself relax in someone else's company. Finally, after four years, he could be himself. Even if it was only for a few hours alone with her in his study. It had been so exhausting pretending to be someone he wasn't. She had a way of drawing him out from behind the walls he'd built around himself. He soon realised that his defences were useless, she could see through them. She had from the beginning. He found that the more he revealed of himself, the more the pain eased. The pain, the burden, was lifting. Over the past weeks, the constant ache he felt for Agathe had all but disappeared. Strangely, it had been replaced with a different burden.

How could he have fallen for her? They were from completely different worlds. How could she ever want him? She had her future planned. It certainly didn't include him. He'd tried, but it had been hard keeping his distance. Last night, it all became crystal clear. None of that mattered. As they danced, he realised that he might as well try to hold back the tide.

Over the past weeks, he'd been desperately resisting the building temptation to hold her, telling himself that it wouldn't change anything. How wrong he'd been. Last night, holding her in his arms, he'd felt alive.

Last night, while he held Maria in his arms, he'd been certain that she felt something too. What they'd shared had been like a force of nature. He'd been powerless to stop it. It had shocked him, caught him completely off guard. He hadn't expected to feel that again. He'd convinced himself that there would only ever be Agathe. He hadn't expected that Maria could bring him so completely undone. That's what had left him so shaken.

And then he'd gone and made a complete mess of everything. Just when he'd finally found her, it was all torn apart again. When he'd read her note, when he thought that he'd never see her again, he could feel the world being ripped out from under him all over again. That all too familiar feeling returned.

"Georg, you haven't been listening to one word I've said, have you?" Max called out from where he lay on the couch. The coffee had only provided temporary relief, and he found everything was so much easier lying back on the couch with his eyes shut against the bright light streaming into the study. "Georg, you really must…"

But Georg hadn't heard him. Looking out the window still, he hated seeing the sadness hanging over them all. It was understandable. He was still unable to shake the look in Maria's eyes when she sat across the desk from him earlier. She'd been fearful. Haunted. She could barely hold his gaze. What had happened last night to make her so unsure of herself? So timid and uncertain. Had his behaviour really been the cause?

Losing sight of Maria from where he was, he shifted trying to find her amongst the children. They were milling around her, all trying to get her attention and make the most of their last few hours together. The thought hit him hard.

"What in God's name has your attention, man?" Max had left the couch and was walking across to Georg, curious to see why he'd been standing near the window since Elsa had left the study. Coming up to stand beside him, he dropped his hand onto his shoulder as he looked out at the scene on the terrace.

"Max! What the hell are you doing sneaking up on me like that?" Georg jumped as Max's hand came down on his shoulder.

"She's been such an unexpected force this summer, hasn't she?" Max murmured almost to himself. He was still trying to catch up on everything that had happened since last night. Sadly, it was obvious how distressed the children were. They'd all grown so close over the past months.

"Mmmm, what was that Max?" Georg was still lost in his own thoughts. Still wondering how in God's name he could convince her to stay. As much as he hoped otherwise, she didn't come back for him. That was the reality, it wasn't going to change, no matter how many times he told himself she could feel something for him.

"Fraulein Maria! I'm talking about the governess," Max couldn't hide his frustration at Georg's vagueness. "The children will certainly miss her, won't they?" he added.

"Excuse me, Max," Georg turned and made his way towards the study door. He knew what he needed to do. There was no doubt in his mind. He'd been unable to speak to Elsa earlier, but this couldn't wait. He had to stop Maria from leaving. Even if he could only convince her to stay for the rest of the summer holidays for the sake of the children. That would at least give him time.

He knew that pain and how crippling it could be. He couldn't bear the pain. Not again. Not now.

ooooXXXXoooo

"But, Fraulein Maria, if we promise to be good, if I share my toys with Marta, will you stay?" Gretl was sitting on Maria's lap, cradled in her arms. "Please…" she sniffled, lifting her head as she looked up.

"Oh, Sweetheart, I wish I could, but I need to go back to the Abbey," Maria brushed a stray hair from Gretl's face before cupping her cheek and pulling her closer. "Remember I was only ever here on loan from the Reverend Mother," she added, kissing the top of Gretl's head, breathing in the scent of her hair, hoping to never forget the now familiar fragrance.

Marta was sitting on the bench beside her and she could feel her snuggle in tighter. Brigitta was seated on the other side of her. These children made it almost impossible to leave, Maria thought to herself.

"I still don't understand. It doesn't make any sense," Louisa said from the ring of older children standing in front of the bench. "Why do you have leave early? Can't you stay until the holidays are over?"

"Louisa!" Friedrich hissed under his breath. "Do you have to be so rude?"

"What?! I'm only asking what everyone's thinking," Louisa snapped back at her older brother.

"Friedrich, it's ok, I don't mind Louisa asking," Maria smiled at the eldest boy. He had such a beautiful nature, she knew he would grow into a fine young man. It saddened her to think she wouldn't be there to see it. "I came here to do a job and that's finished, and now I need to go back to my life at the Abbey."

"But, Fraulein…" Liesl began.

"Father!" Kurt caught sight of his father standing at the top of the terrace, looking down at them. "Father, you can tell Fraulein Maria to stay!" he called out while running up the steps towards him. "She won't listen to us!"

"Please, Father! Can you?!" Brigitta jumped off the bench to race up the steps with her brother.

"Oh-ho, you know Fraulein Maria doesn't take orders from me," Georg smiled as his eyes caught Maria's, he felt that familiar rush sweep over him. Not breaking eye contact, he ruffled Kurt's hair and brushed Brigitta's cheek.

"Now, I hope you children aren't being too hard on Fraulein Maria," he said as he began walking down the steps. Instinctively, his fingers twitched. God, he was nervous. He wondered if he'd ever understand what this woman did to him.

Breaking his gaze from Maria's, Georg realised that all the children were looking at him now. Their eyes were pleading with him to somehow fix things. To make everything better. He'd let them down before, but today was different. Today he'd make amends.

"Children, I need to speak to Fraulein Maria," he said, looking up from the children and catching Maria's eyes again. "Run inside, we'll join you in the salon shortly," he nodded, smiling at them, trying to reassure them that everything would somehow be alright.

The children seemed reluctant, but he caught Liesl's eye and she helped usher her brothers and sisters together up the steps towards the back door.

Making his way from the bottom of the steps to the bench, Georg came to a stop in front of Maria. "Erh, may I?" he asked, motioning towards the empty space on the bench beside her.

Maria nodded at him, as she gripped the edge of the bench either side of her. She couldn't find her voice. What did he want to say to her now? What was left to say?

Sitting beside her, he looked out beyond the lawn along the edge of the lake, trying to sift through all the thoughts in his mind. God, she was such a distraction. Why couldn't he think about anything except her familiar, sweet scent? It brought back all the memories of holding her last night. He wished she was nearer. He wanted to feel her again. He put his hand down on the bench beside hers. Closer. But still too far away.

"Fraulein, it's been a rather hectic morning," he began tentatively, looking ahead into the distance. "I'm afraid I've overlooked something important."

"Oh?" Maria turned to him surprised.

"Yes, I apologise, I haven't had a chance to ask how you are," he turned towards her, struggling to hold back a smile, promising himself not to get distracted. Just sitting beside her made him feel special. God, did he have it that bad?

"Me?" she quickly looked away, then down in front of her, suddenly fascinated by an ant scurrying along the edge of a paver, as she felt the sting of tears. Why was he trying to be kind, she wondered, it just made everything so much harder. Why did he care? "Oh, I'm fine," she tried to sound convincing.

"Are you? I do hope the children weren't too much," he was still looking at her, worried that she still looked so withdrawn, so timid. She still seemed flushed.

"The children are never too much," a ghost of a smile crossed her lips as she thought of them. She was glad she came back to say goodbye to them. It had turned out to be the right decision. But she knew it would be some time before her heart would stop aching for them. She wasn't sure it ever would.

"Fraulein," he took in a deep breath and turned away, "I need to finish the conversation we started earlier in the study. I need you to listen to me." He could feel her looking at him now, so he turned to her to meet her gaze. "And for once in your life, try not to interrupt me…" he added, trying to be stern. But seeing a hint of a smile forming on Maria's lips, he was almost giddy with joy.

"I'll try, Captain," she almost whispered.

"I need to apologise for my behaviour last night," he began. "I behaved appallingly." Stopping to catch his breath and thoughts, he couldn't help thinking that even though her eyes were an unfamiliar mix of fear and sadness, they were still mesmerising.

He thinks he's in love with you.

He should get over it soon enough I should think. Men often do you know.

"Captain, please…" Maria mumbled. The Baroness' words came back to her as she remembered their dance, the moment she felt like the rest of the world had fallen away and it seemed like they were the only two left. She couldn't cope if he apologised for their dance. It would be far too humiliating. That's probably why he'd ignored her afterwards. He'd realised how ridiculous it had been. He'd forgotten himself and had a few moments of fun dancing with the governess, but then remembered who he really was. Who she was. The Baroness had been right. "Captain, there's no…

Needing to bridge the distance between them, he reached over, tentatively at first, and ran his little finger across the edge of her hand. Feeling bolder, he traced a path along her knuckles. Whatever she was about to say, his touch pulled her up. "Ssshh, Fraulein," he murmured trying to calm her. Or himself, he wasn't sure. Now that he was touching her, he could barely breathe. "Remember, you promised…"

"I promised to try," she could barely manage to whisper. What was he doing? She couldn't think of anything except the warmth running across the back of her hand and up her arm. How could such a small, gentle touch make her feel so much? She couldn't think. "There is a difference," she somehow managed to add.

"Perhaps," he smiled, conceding to her for the countless time that summer. "Now, Fraulein, let me begin again." Thrilled that she hadn't pulled away from his touch, he covered her hand with his and squeezed it reassuringly. "Please, I need to apologise…"

"Father, Father!"

Georg and Maria both turned their attention to the top of the terrace to see Marta running down the steps towards them.

Reluctantly lifting his hand from Maria's, Georg jumped up and took a few steps to meet Marta, sweeping her up in his arms. "What on earth do you have there?" he asked her as he tapped her nose.

"We've picked some flowers so you can give them to Fraulein Maria," Marta replied seriously holding up a bunch of hastily picked daisies from one of the garden beds on the side of the villa.

"Oh, have you?" Georg smiled, kissing Marta's forehead. How could he be irritated with such an adorable interruption?

Putting Marta down on the ground, he took the flowers from her. "Now, off you go Sweetheart," he said as he brushed her cheek.

Marta smiled at a blushing Maria, turned and ran back up the steps to the villa. At the top of the steps, she was met by the poorly concealed giggles of her brothers and sisters, all safely hidden somewhere out of sight just inside the doorway.

Turning back towards Maria, with Marta's daisies in his hand, Georg smiled awkwardly at her. "Fraulein, perhaps it might be best if we take a walk along the lake," he held out his hand to help her to her feet.

Smiling at his awkwardness, Maria wondered how he'd react if he was presented with one of Gretl or Marta's many drawings with her included as part of the family. She felt her heart tighten. The Captain's wife. They'd been tricky to navigate. Reaching out, she took hold of his hand, smiling up at him as she felt his hand wrapping around hers and gently pulling her to her feet.

Georg looked down, trying to ignore his heart skipping a beat as Maria's smile reached her eyes for the first time since he'd seen her last night.

Standing up, Maria could feel her head start spinning. "Oh, dear me…" she tightened her grip on the Captain's hand. Suddenly, she felt a firm hand on her waist, steadying her.

"Fraulein, are you alright?" he asked, concern in his voice, his worried eyes desperately searching hers.

"Oh, Captain, I'm just feeling a little lightheaded that's all," she smiled. "I probably got up a little too quickly."

"Fraulein, sit back down, you don't look well," Georg eased her back down on the bench. Dropping to his haunches in front of her, he placed a worried hand on her leg as he searched her eyes and face for answers.

"Captain, there's nothing wrong. I'll be fine," Maria told him.

"Let me be the judge of that, will you? Now hold onto these please," he handed Maria the daisies as he studied her with a furrowed brow. Placing the back of his hand along her forehead and then each cheek, he made an occasional sound to himself. "Fraulein, you've got a temperature," he announced.

"How can you tell?" Maria smiled at him.

"Call it experience," he said with a bitter tinge.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Maria whispered. "I didn't mean…

"Please, don't apologise. I know you didn't," he said gently. "I've been thinking all morning that you looked a little flushed."

"I'll be alright," Maria told him. "It's probably just all the emotion and excitement."

"Fraulein, it's probably got more to do with you spending last night outside in the rain. I was up early this morning, I know how cold it was. Not that you'd think so now." He hated that it was his behaviour that had sent her out into the night. "It's turned into such a beautiful morning," he murmured in his deep baritone.

"You know, I really should get my things and start making my way back to the Abbey," Maria whispered, not breaking eye contact. It was so hard to think with the Captain's hand resting on her leg and him studying her so closely.

"I don't think so," Georg wasn't sure why he was whispering back to her. Perhaps it was because she was so close and he was reminded of last night when he held her in his arms. Perhaps it was because her eyes were holding his and he didn't want to break the spell. But it was probably because she was unwell and he could feel the fear starting to tighten its grip. "You're not going anywhere, Fraulein," he added tenderly.

"I…I'm not?" Maria could barely breathe, she still couldn't tear her eyes away from his.

"No," Georg sucked in his breath, as he felt the air around them growing heavy. She was so close, he needed to feel her. He wanted to pull her to him, to hold her tight. God, it was unbearable.

"But I probably should…" Maria protested lamely.

"I won't hear of it, Fraulein…" Georg interrupted, still whispering, still completely lost in her…

"Fraulein Maria, you're still here!" Elsa called out as she made her way down the steps of the terrace trying to make sense of the scene in front of her. What the hell was going on?! Georg had his hand on the girl's leg, she was clinging onto a bunch of flowers and they were both staring at each other like a pair of lovesick teenagers. Her back was barely turned, and this is what they get up to!

Both Maria and Georg's heads spun around towards the steps. Georg moved his hand to the bench and pushed himself up. Standing he turned to greet Elsa.

"Elsa." Other than an awkward nod, it was all Georg could manage. Why did he feel like he was betraying Maria, when he was betraying Elsa? "Fraulein Maria wasn't feeling well. She was just catching her breath."

"Fraulein, we should get you on your way," Elsa turned to Maria, feeling the emotions tightening in her chest as she fought to maintain her façade.

Maria looked away from the Baroness to the Captain.

"Elsa, Fraulein Maria has a fever. I don't think she's well enough to go back to the Abbey," Georg turned to Elsa. "I was going to call the doctor and arrange for him to visit as soon as possible."

"Oh, Georg, is that really necessary?" Elsa patted her hair. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. How would she ever be rid of this girl? "Are you sure we're not making too much of a fuss?" she added, fixing Maria with a glare that didn't match her smile.

"Captain, the Baroness is right," Maria didn't want to cause any trouble. "I'm sure it's nothing."

"Fraulein, I will not be returning you to the Abbey if you are unwell," Georg stated firmly as he turned to Elsa with a look that dared her to defy him.

"Well, darling, of course, if you think that's best," Elsa gave him one of her most radiant smiles. What was it about this girl? "But if Fraulein Maria wants to return to the Abbey, we can't really force her to stay, can we?"

"Captain…" Maria stood up, determined to leave, desperate to bring an end to the disagreement that was brewing. But her head felt so light, everything around her started spinning. Closing her eyes, the last thing she remembered was reaching for the Captain…

Thank you everyone for your lovely reviews. I know all writers say it, but they really do provide great encouragement and make such a difference! Special thanks to the guest reviewers.

Apologies to everyone that it's taken so long, but finally Maria and the Captain were able to spend a little time alone.

Apologies again for losing control of the word count…

Please check out "The Last Day on Earth" on YouTube. It's written and performed by Kate Miller-Heidke, an incredibly talented Australian singer. As beautiful as it is though, this song does come with a warning. It will leave you completely shredded.

Sadly, I still don't own TSOM, still just having a lend.