Chapter Six
Be Careful
"Granger, the sheets..."
"I know," Hermione said lightly. "I know, I'm sorry. I don't…I don't know what came over us."
"Alcohol," Draco responded, trying to make sense of what happened. "Granger, I feel awful. Your first time shouldn't have been like this. I had just assumed that you and Ron…"
"No," Hermione stopped him. "Look, I may not remember much, but I can still piece together what happened. We both got what we wanted. We wanted to get wasted and forget about everything and everyone. So that's what we did."
"You're not mad?" Draco took a step closer.
"Not at you," Hermione replied.
"You're mad at yourself?" Draco seemed a bit confused.
"Yeah, aren't you mad at yourself?" There was no reply to Hermione's question. It was obvious that Draco didn't regret what he did.
"Well, I'm going to get in the shower." Draco walked away.
"Wait," Hermione called out. "Draco, just so we're clear…you and I…we could never work out, right?"
"No, no, of course not," Draco shook his head. "Alcohol just got the best of us."
Hermione stood by the fireplace, resting her head against the stone. There went her dream of wearing a white wedding dress. Opening her eyes slightly, Hermione heard a knock on her door. Still feeling nauseous, she pulled her hair back and opened the door. Not so much to her surprise, Astoria was standing on the other side. When she saw Hermione's physical state, she couldn't help but to laugh.
"Too much to drink?" Astoria's eyes shined brightly.
"Go away," Hermione groaned.
"The place doesn't look like a trash heap, I'm so surprised." Astoria noted.
"Astoria, what do you want?"
"I just want to know what happened last night." Astoria softly spoke, "Is Draco here or did he sneak off with Pansy?"
"He's in the shower. If you were so concerned about this party, why didn't you just come over?"
"I wasn't invited," Astoria gave Hermione a harsh glance. "Well look at you, Granger. Tell me, did you sneak off with some guy from the party?"
"I didn't sneak off," Hermione stated, "And neither did Draco."
Astoria lightly brushed against Hermione as she made her way into Draco's room.
"Astoria wait," Hermione followed after her. But she was too late. Astoria saw, and now she knew. Draco emerged from the bathroom, with a towel around his waist.
"How could you?" Astoria hollered at Hermione. "I thought we were friends!"
"Friends? I don't know if I'd go that far…" Hermione offered, sounded meek.
"Why do you think I came over here before the party? Why do think I've talked to you before? I'm trying so hard, and it's like you don't even care. You knew how I felt about him! You knew that I still cared about him, and then you slept with him?" Astoria had tears in her eyes.
"Astoria, please, listen. I can explain…" Hermione started.
"No," Astoria cut her off, "I don't want to hear your excuses." She stomped off into the living room.
"Astoria, wait. You're mad at me, not Granger." Draco went after her.
"Oh, I'm not mad at you, Draco. I'm disgusted by you." Astoria looked at him square in the eye. "You slept with a Gryffindor mudblood. Are you happy with yourself?"
"Astoria," Draco began.
"Not to mention, she's Potter's friend. Living with her and tolerating her is one thing, Malfoy. Sleeping with her is entirely different!" Astoria cried out. "I am so repulsed by you."
"Stop," Draco demanded.
"And what about your blood now, Draco?" Astoria asked with wicked eyes. "How pure do you think you are?"
"Leave," Draco opened the door for her.
"You should have known better, Draco. You dropped your status, and don't think I won't tell." Astoria bit down on every word she said.
"Get out!" Draco yelled so loud that Astoria practically ran out the door. She gave a long look to me before disappearing out of sight.
"This was a mistake," Hermione shook her head, "This was one big mistake. All of this."
"What?" Draco turned to her.
"I shouldn't have even come back. I should have moved in with Ron. Then none of this would have happened. He wouldn't be dead right now, we'd probably be engaged, we'd be planning to have kids, in a nice home. We would be settling down right now. Not breaking up and becoming things we thought we'd never become. Look at us, Draco. We are enemies. We will always be enemies. People are always going to hate me because I'm a mudblood, people are always going to hate you because of your family name and status. You have it all, and you threw it away last night because we both had too much to drink." Hermione paused, "I wish I could take it all back."
"Granger, don't feel that way." Draco tried to put his hands on her to calm her down, but she pulled away.
"Why didn't you stop me? Why didn't you push me away? Draco, we're so good at pushing each other away." Hermione cried, "Why couldn't we have fought last night. We could have got angry and threw things around. We could have been just sat by the fire and made jokes until we fell asleep. Why did we have to do what we did?"
"Granger,"
"No, don't 'Granger' me. Don't tell me that things are going to be okay. Don't tell me that things work out for a reason. Don't tell me anything! Just stay away from me, Malfoy! That's all I ever wanted from you. I told you that the first day we came back. I told you to leave me alone and to stay away! Why couldn't you listen? Why didn't you just continue to hate me, Draco? I want you to hate me! Be repulsed by me. Hate me, Draco! Hate me, I deserved to be hated." Hermione had tears running down her face.
"No," Draco shook his head, "No, you're looking at this all wrong, Granger. This is good for us, for both of us. Sure, last night shouldn't have happened. But we've gotten over our differences. We've been learning how to get along and put the past behind us. That's healthy, Granger. That's the only way that we can move on from everything that's happened."
"I don't want to move on, Draco! I'm stuck, okay? I'm stuck, and I don't want to move on! I can't move on. Why can't anyone get that? I'm hurt, I'm mourning, I'm furious, I'm weak! I need time! I just need more time."
"You're always going to need more time," Draco shook his head. "You've had your time to grieve. You've given yourself plenty of space, and you've separated yourself from everyone else around you for too long. It is time to move on."
"No,"
"Moving on doesn't mean that you don't still struggle. Moving on doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt. It doesn't mean that you won't cry sometimes, or that you won't break glasses against walls. Moving on means that you're healing from the hurt, and that you're slowly but surely pushing forward. Granger, if you don't accept that…I don't think there's anything that anyone can do to help you." Draco kept a low voice. "You feel betrayed, I understand that. You feel neglected, I understand that. You feel guilty, trust me—I get that. Everything you're feeling right now, I have felt at one point or another. Just like all of your other friends, Granger. Now more than ever is when you should be going to them, or coming to me. You should be reaching out more instead of pushing everyone else away."
"I'm just so good at screwing everything up." Hermione wiped her face, "I used to have my life so together. I was on top of everything…and now I'm not. Now I'm terrified of everything."
"But it won't be long before you have your life together again." Draco assured her. "You're going to get through this."
"Draco," Hermione looked up at him, "Thank you." She leaned upwards and kissed him on the cheek, before grabbing a jacket and leaving the room.
Draco stood in his room and finished getting dressed. He walked over to his dresser and searched for a tie to wear. His eyes scanned the drawer until he found the letter. Amazed by his forgetfulness, Draco pulled it out and then sat on his bed. He finished opening the letter and then unfolded it so he could read it. Draco figured giving her the letter would be heartbreaking right now, but he wanted to make sure that the letter wasn't of too much importance. Skimming the first few lines, Draco tried not to pay attention to the mushy stuff that Ron wrote. When he got to the bottom of letter, he saw that Ron had asked her to marry him. Draco's eyes widened as he quickly put the letter in its envelope and then shoved it away into his dresser. That's why Ron had been so upset. He figured that Hermione had read the letter, didn't want to deal with it, so she pretended she had lost it. Shaking his head, Draco felt so furious at himself. This stupid letter had caused so much damage to their relationship. Trying not to blame himself, Draco grabbed some of his books and left the corridor to go study elsewhere.
Hermione was studying in the library by herself when Luna sat down across from her. The girls looked at one another for a long moment before speaking. Hermione had to admit that she felt uncomfortable giving the circumstances. She was sure that Luna blamed her for Ron getting into the accident, just as Hermione blamed herself. She couldn't even imagine the way Ginny felt about Hermione right now. Their friendship was already on the brinks, let alone having Ron passing away on top of it. Hermione didn't even want to begin to imagine what the girls would think when they found out what happened between her and Draco the night before.
"How are you holding up?" Luna asked, flipping through a book.
"I'm okay, you?"
"Fine." Luna replied back too quickly.
"How is Ginny?" Hermione leaned over the table, trying to be discrete.
"She's pretty upset. But I think with time she'll be fine." Luna explained. "Listen, I know we haven't talked too much this year. But you and Ginny are my best friends. The beginning of the year, you could barely talk to us. And now, it seems like Ginny barely talks to me. More importantly, you both have been shying away from me. I'm hurting too, Hermione. I was his friend, too. And I know what it's like to lose someone. But I don't need the two of you pushing me out of your lives just because you're scared. I have always been here for the both of you, and I will continue to be here."
"Thank you," Hermione looked up to Luna and half smiled. "I actually really need a friend right now." She took a deep breath, "Luna, I made a big mistake. A mistake that I can't take back. And I need to tell someone, I need someone to tell me that I'm a terrible person."
"You're not a terrible person," Luna shook her head. "What happened?"
"Last night…after the Quidditch game, Draco had a small party at our place. His friends came over and they were being really nice to me." Hermione cleared her throat, "But there were drinks, and I had too much. The rest of the night was a blur, but when I woke up, I wasn't in my bed."
"Oh my…" Luna pulled her eyes away from her book. "Which floor did you end up at?"
"My own," Hermione gulped loudly.
"Your own?" Luna's eyes widened. "Hermione…you didn't—you didn't sleep with Draco, did you?"
Luna looked at Hermione's defeated composure. Clearly, Hermione had done wrong and was punishing herself for it now. Luna was upset at first. Ron hadn't been gone long enough for her to be seeing other people, let alone sleeping with them. But at the same time, Luna understood that Hermione probably needed to just let go for a night. She had been up in her room for practically a month, shielding herself away from the world. It was her one time to really talk to people, to at least pretend to feel something better than hurt. Even if she woke up the next morning on a different level of hurt, she would at least be able to remember the night she forgot about it. So Luna was sad, but she was happy at the same time. The girls were able to talk out some things to better understand where the other was coming from. Overall, both girls felt like their relationship was improving, even if it was just one long conversation. After they were done, Hermione hugged Luna tightly and apologized for pulling away when she should have been drawing closer to her.
"Where did you here that from?" Luna pulled away with curious eyes.
"Draco, actually," Hermione smiled.
"He's not a bad guy, Hermione." Luna offered before she grabbed her book and left.
A few days later, Hermione found herself in the library after hours. She decided that she needed to get ahead on her studies that way things would begin to feel normal again. As she turned the corner, Hermione heard footsteps. She quickly turned around to see who was there, but the library was empty. She decided that her mind was playing tricks on her and that she needed to finish getting what she needed and go. But after grabbing two more books from the shelves, Hermione felt a hand from behind her cover her mouth. Hermione immediately went into panic mode, but there was nothing she could do.
"Boo," Draco walked around her and laughed, "You're awful jumpy today."
"You shouldn't sneak around like that," Hermione scolded him as she took a deep breath.
Draco rested his hand on the shelf behind Hermione, and leaned over her, forcing her back up against the shelf. He loomed over her while he listened to the silence of the library. Hermione could smell mint from his breath, making her feel a bit woozy. From the angle she was at, she had to strain to look up at Draco. He looked so beautiful and carefree in that moment. His eyes wandered back down to hers and he gave her a cute smile.
"Be careful, Granger. You just might fall in love with me." He laughed.
"Oh please, you're giving yourself too much credit." Hermione playfully said.
"I don't know, Granger, you're just like a book." Draco told her.
"A book?" Hermione questioned, "Because I'm intelligent and bold?"
"Because you're boring," Draco stated with a serious face.
"That's cute," Hermione pulled away from the bookshelf and walked around the boy to another isle.
"It was a joke, lighten up," Draco followed closely behind her. "I was actually going to say that you're easy to read."
"You think I'm easy to read?" Hermione wondered.
"Yes, you would be surprised about how much your body language gives away. For example, when you're irritated your voice goes an octave higher."
"No it does not," Hermione's voice went a bit higher. "Okay, that doesn't count."
"Or how about when you get upset and you cross your arms." Draco noticed Hermione's crossed arms a few seconds before he made that statement.
"Draco," Hermione laughed, "Just because you can read body language doesn't mean you're a mind reader."
"I can read your mind." Draco caught Hermione against the stone wall. His right hand was on her left side, propping him up on the wall so that he was leaning over her. "Like right now, your face is going to get a bit red. And you're eyes are going to grow wider. And then you'll pout your lips just slightly because, although you don't know it, you want to kiss me. You want me to see your pouty lips and adore them so that I'll make the next move and kiss you. And if I kiss you, it's okay, because it's not the same as you kissing me."
Her eyes didn't move from his. She didn't dare reply back because she knew everything he was saying was true. As horrible as it was, she did want to kiss him. She wanted to have intimate moments with him that she could actually remember. And it was immoral, it was terrible, and they both should have known better. But with a sudden lapse of judgment, Hermione pretended not to care. Maybe this was part of her learning to move on. After all, it's not like she was never going to date again. She deserved to be happy, regardless of who she picked to spend her time with. It just so happened that at this moment, she wanted to be with Draco. Did those feelings mean something deeper? She didn't know. Was she possibly falling for him? She wasn't sure. There was only one question that she had a definite answer on.
"Granger, do you want me to kiss you?" Draco asked, still looming over her.
Hermione didn't have to speak, she merely nodded her head. His lips met hers, and for a moment Hermione remembered kissing him in the bathroom. She remembered the mix of their alcohol residing in her mouth. Hermione remembered the burn it left her, and she remembered that she liked it. But she remembered being too afraid to make a move until later on that night, when everyone else had left. Hermione didn't want to be afraid anymore—not of anything. So when Draco finally pulled away to catch his breath, Hermione pulled him back in. She kissed him softly for a long moment. Draco took a step back when Hermione suddenly pushed him away.
"Draco…"
"It's okay, you don't have to say anything." Draco looked down at the ground, accepting rejection.
"No, Draco, someone's here." Hermione saw a glowing light in the distance. "Come on, we have to go."
Hermione and Draco reached the stairs before they stopped running. At this point, they were laughing at the idiocy of it all. Would someone actually get the Head Boy and Head Girl in trouble for getting books from the library? Sure, it was a violation of the rules, but did the rules really matter? After all, they were honestly there because they were getting ahead on their studies. It probably wouldn't have looked good that they were kissing, though. Hermione hoped that it was a professor and not a student. She wasn't ready to hear any negativity from her classmates, or any rumors being spread.
"I'm going to take a shower," Hermione told Draco as soon as they walked into the living room.
"Okay," Draco lit the fire and sat down on the couch.
When Hermione returned, she saw Draco lying on the couch. He looked so comfortable. He seemed more relaxed than he normally did when he slept. Draco was sprawled out across the entire couch, so Hermione decided to just let him sleep there. He looked too peaceful to wake up or move. She went to his bedroom and grabbed a blanket. When she came back, she covered him up and stared for a slight moment. Hermione walked to him and slowly brushed some of his hair off his face. Then kissed his forehead softly after bending down to see him clearer.
"Be careful, Draco." Hermione whispered as he slept, "You just might fall in love with me."