AN: So My cousin got married over the weekend and I guess I was feeling pretty sappy because this worked it's way out of my brain and onto paper. Enjoy and review!
They walked into the small town and it seemed as if everyone knew everyone else. Jasper's uniform caught most people's attention and a few older men came up to him and grasped at his hand, smiling and making enthusiastic conversation. A few of them talked to Sophie but most just smiled and asked her how her day was. She had never appreciated being looked over in the past however now she was thankful when she wasn't asked too many questions. Sophie saw women looking at her with a glare she recognised immediately as jealousy.
She tried her best to ignore the looks and the whispers but it wasn't always easy. The women smile and wave while they were looking but the minute they passed their expressions would turn sour.
"Tell me Jasper," her voice had gained more of a twang since arriving in Texas and it came easier to her, as if it was becoming her actual voice. "Is there someone I should be worried about? I know you said you were single but some of the looks we have been getting are starting to make me think different." She looked at a woman peeking out onto the street from a shop window.
"I'm not sure what you mean." Jasper looked around and his brow furrowed slightly.
"Are you really that blind?" Sophie laughed. "Maybe I think it's more endearing that you don't notice it but every lady we have walked past, from married woman to thirteen year old girl, has looked at you with doe eyes and they have all looked at me like the dirt on their boots." She noticed his grip on her arm tighten.
"It's the uniform." She looked out tilting his chest in, as if her were protecting her form something. His eyes searched around the street before he turned back to her. "It attracts a lot of excited attention. If it makes you uncomfortable I would be happy to escort you back right now."
"That isn't what I said. I was just making polite conversation, and you are right it's not just the women I notice it from, it's the men too. You must really be a hero. What did you do? Save millions of men, women and children in a an act of heroism here to unheard of." She mocked lightly.
"No, nothing quite so noble. I killed a lot of men and for that they give me a few medals, but it was all worth it to see my family again even if it's just for a few days."
"But you killed a lot of men that deserved it right? They were going to attack you so you attacked them right?" Sophie tried to look for any positive and was slowly coming up short.
"Some of them." He nodded. "But not all of them." The way he looked at her now reminded her of the man she met in the bar. His eyes were wild and his jaw was set, he looked dangerous.
She took a breath and then did the one thing she never thought she would do.
"You are a good man." Sophie lowered her voice and forced herself to look into his eyes. "You are a brave man who is fighting for his rights, for the country he believes in. You do not need to feel guilt. Those men are fighting against everything we have. They are fighting against God. They killed my brother. Don't feel guilt for them." She saw in his eyes that she had gotten through to him.
She started walking again before she spoke again.
"I'm not seeing a hospital." She looked at each building carefully looking for any signs of a hospital.
"I heard they were operating out of an old storefront. Probably the dress makers down the street." Jasper pointed down the road a ways. "They went out of business for the most part once silk became almost impossible to come by" Jasper increased his speed as he spoke. "I've heard of people opening up their homes to care for the injured. I have been meaning to talk to mama about doing that."
When they came up to the building Jasper had indicated it was obvious it was the hospital.
"Jasper," She paused, holding up her hand and stopping them from entering the building. "I can understand if be training to be a nurse makes you think less of me." Jasper opened his mouth but Sophie stopped him with a glare. "I could read the look on your sister's face when you told her you were taking me to the hospital, and I could tell you were surprised when I told you. I just want you to know that I do it because I want to help. I had nothing else back home and this gave me a sense of purpose."
"Sophie, I don't think any less of you. My surprise was because you took care of me even after you had been through everything. My sister's looks were probably jealousy. She has written me several times that she wants to be a nurse but that mama won't let her. Not that I was much more sympathetic, she is too young to see death like that."
Sophie felt like she could finally breathe. She smiled and grasped at Jasper's gloved hand.
"Good. Now we can go see your friends." Bella turned on her heel and started walking away but was stopped by Jasper's hand.
"Have you ever been in a hospital before?" He asked suddenly looking worried. "It's one thing to study being a nurse but another thing entirely to see it, to live it. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe we should have done something else." He looked at his feet, his eyes moving fast as they darted on the ground.
"I've seen, I know, and I am prepared for the worst. I will tell you if it's too much but you have to see your friends." Sophie gently pushed his chin up so that their eye's met.
"Okay." He almost whispered, looking as white as the day she had met him.
"Okay." Sophie repeated with a small smile before turning around again and pushing the door open.
The room was crowded and the air smelt metallic, like blood. It was hot and flies swarmed at the twenty of so beds she could see. The floor was stained crimson and it took Sophie a minute to recognise that it was blood. The man closest to the door only had one eye; the other was bandaged and stained yellow. But the thing that caught Sophie's attention wasn't his eye, it was his pyjamas, they were stained the same putrid colour of his eye patch and smelt of decaying flesh. He motioned for her to come closer and despite her repulsion she was drawn to him.
"It hurts." He moaned. "It's so bad. I wish I would just die. Why won't I die? Why can't I die?" The man was openly weeping and the bandage on his eye was loosening.
"Okay, alright. I know it hurts, hey, hey you're alright." She cooed softly as she pulled his hands away from his face. "There you go. I'm going to take off the bandage now." Her hands shook a little as she pulled the poorly wrapped gauzy material. "So tell me your name, Soldier." She looked for anything to get her mind off of what she was looking at.
"Finley, ma'am. Eli Finley." The boy's words shook and sweat glistened on his brow. "It's so hot, ma'am, it's as if it's coming from my eye. That's bad right, that means I'm dying right?"
"Well Eli, I'll only say this once so listen close. I am too young to be called ma'am, my name is Sophie and you are not going to die. I promise." Sophie threw the bandage on the floor along with the others that littered the ground.
"Eli?" Jasper stuttered fidgeting slightly. "I – I'm sorry. I had no idea that you would be in so much pain."
"Major Jasper Whitlock! Man, I never thought I would see you again. I almost never did. But hey we did beat those Union scumbags a few times. I like to think I helped you earn that star on your shoulder." Eli suddenly perked up but his hands still clawed at the soiled sheets, clearly in pain.
"Private Eli Finley, you deserve this medal as much as I do." Jasper finally smiled. "I brought my friend here to meet you but I can see she has already made the introductions."
"Well I'll be damned, pardon my language Miss Sophie, you finally found yourself a girl? One that you aren't running away from at least. I'll tell you Miss Sophie," He winced again and tugged on the sheets but kept talking, obviously trying to ignore the pain he was in. "This here is the only soldier in the entire rebel army to run away from, what do you call them in polite conversation?" He managed to laugh and wince at the same time.
"You don't, not in polite conversation." Jasper gave him a look that shut him up pretty fast. "The point is you have yourself a trouble maker, as innocent as they come, but a trouble maker none the less."
"Eli, where are the others? I promised them I would see them." Jasper looked serious and almost uncomfortable.
"I saw them die, Charles and Walter both. They couldn't survive the amputation. Charles lasted the longest almost two days after they got him out of that tent we were stuck in. I – uh – I heard they buried them in a soldier's grave."
"What about Jackson? Did he make it?" Jasper was beginning to look desperate and Sophie was just trying to hold back the onslaught of tears she felt coming when Eli told his story.
"Jackson's right here." A loud voice boomed throughout the hospital. "And he ain't going anywhere until one of these nice nurses give me a sponge bath."
Sophie turned around and again had to manage her instinct to gag at the sight. Jackson was missing his right leg from the knee down and the stump was wrapped in a grey fabric. He was leaning heavily on a crutch that looked like it was about to give way under his weight.
Jasper walked over and clasped him on the back.
"I reckoned you would make it." Jasper laughed as he stepped back. "Jackson I would like to introduce Miss Sophie Sinclair." Sophie smiled and didn't notice her hand was still in Eli's vicelike grip until she moved to shake Jackson's hand.
Looking down at Eli it was clear he was in a tremendous amount of pain but he still managed to somehow look embarrassed as he released her hand with a muttered apology. He looked so young in that moment that Sophie once again let her tough shield down and grabbed for his wrist with even more strength.
"It's a pleasure to meet you Jackson." She opted to wave with a smile. "Jasper was telling me about you."
"Good things I trust. Of course that wouldn't leave too many things for him too say." Jackson winked in a way that reminded Sophie of the men she would serve at the bar.
Her eyes sharpened and her nerves were on end. It took her a minute to recognise that she had let her defences down since she had been here. In the past Sophie had always kept a firm line between her and the customer and that tended to transcend into other things she did. However since she had gotten here she had relaxed on that a little, allowing herself to feel things for Jasper, to become friends with Bella, and to start a relationship with Martha. All it took was the one wink, the familiar appraisal of her body, and she built up those walls again almost as quickly as she had torn them down.
She skilfully extricated her hand from Eli's grasp and closed her eyes for a moment.
"I am going to find the person in charge and see what they need me to do." Sophie gave Jasper a tight-lipped smile before moving off down the hallway of straw mattresses that stunk of excrement.
As she was walking away she heard Jasper leaning in on Jackson demanding to know why Jackson always had to act like an ass. Jackson's response was one that she was confident he wouldn't have said if he knew Sophie could hear them. But she blocked out the boy's conversation as she ran into a heavyset short woman with fiery copper hair.
"If you aren't injured get out of my way." The woman barked as she barrelled past Sophie towards a man that was screaming and thrashing like a mad man.
"I need morphine over here! You, come here and hold his legs I don't have time to deal with getting kicked in the head." She declared as she grabbed for one of the man's arms. "Ah there we go!" She exclaimed as a frazzled looking young blonde pushed through to look holding a fat syringe.
"Mrs Miller, this is the last of the morphine until this Friday." The blonde murmured as if she were afraid of the red heads reaction.
"Stop looking like I'm about to take your head off!" Mrs Miller snapped. "Don't be daft and get the doctor." The blonde scampered off with a look of relief. "Well are you just going to stand there or be helpful?" Mrs Miller's glare turned to Sophie. "Get an apron and come help me."
Sophie sprang into action when she heard the woman yelling. She grabbed at the man's legs and used her bicep to pin his legs against the mattress. It was effective but resulted in her almost draped across the man's lower half until he finally stopped resisting and his eyes closed. As she got up she let out a small breath and looked over at the red head expecting some type of praise for her actions. Instead the woman just looked her over once and nodded with an expression on her face that told Sophie she was acceptable, nothing more, and nothing less.
"Now tell me where you came from and your name." Mrs Miller demanded, her voice slightly softer than before.
"Sophie Sinclair from Virginia." Sophie extended her hand, which Mrs Miller ignored, and she let it drop awkwardly. "I'd like to help in anyway that I can."
Mrs Miller's eyes narrowed.
"There are no job openings, no one will pay you for what you are going to do here." She explained.
"I just want to help people. Why are you here?" Sophie became defensive on why her motives would be questioned any more than anyone else working here.
"The confederacy." Mrs Miller met her glare for glare.
"Well we can't all be blessed with such noble reasons." Sophie bit back.
"Are you saying you don't support the rebel cause?"
"No, I'm saying that regardless of the war I want to help people, the fact that I can support the cause my brother died for is just an added benefit." She hoped that would be enough for Mrs Miller.
Sophie realised the woman was looking for Sophie to have the unwavering patriotism for the confederacy as she did. As much as Sophie wanted a place to fit in she wasn't prepared to declare herself an unequivocal rebel supporter.
"Alright," Mrs Miller paused. "My name is Olivia Miller, you may call me Mrs Miller, and I am in charge of most of the girls working here. You can start with collecting the bed sheets for Millie to wash." Mrs Miller pointed over to a small girl standing over a large pot of boiling water.
Mrs Miller started to turn away but Sophie followed after her.
"Excuse me, Mrs Miller, I don't want to complain but there is so much I can do, making me get dirty blankets is a waste." Sophie was tempted to tug on the woman's sleeve to make her point.
"Miss Sinclair, I am aware you are new around here but I will let you know that there is nothing more important you can be doing. It makes the soldiers more comfortable and it saves my nose from falling off. If you want to help that is what you can do and prove to me that I can use you for something that is less of a waste." Mrs Miller stalked off and Sophie was left feeling very stupid.
Sophie didn't complain any more and instead busied herself with collecting soiled blankets and sheets. Everything about the job was disgusting, from the smells to trying to identify what made the stain she was inspecting.
"If only Mel could see me now." She chuckled to herself as she pulled another sheet off a bed.
Sophie had always insisted she was too good and far too senior to wash dishes at work. It had gotten to the point where she didn't even clean her own uniform. It wasn't because she couldn't wash her own clothes; it was just easier to have them sent out. They always smelt inexplicably like lemon and the man that delivered them to her front door called her Ms Lady in an accent so thick all it could do is make her smile. She made the point several times that she was a full time student and waitress, not doing her own laundry wasn't a sign of laziness, she was just busy.
She felt like she had been working for hours and her feet were killing her by the time Mrs Miller told her to go home and come back in the morning when she could show just how much she was worth. Sophie expected Jasper had just gone home when she didn't see him for a while but as she made her way to the door she saw his body slumped over against the wall with his hat still in his hand. Jackson was in the bed on Jasper's right with his leg firmly planted on the ground and his head bobbing in an attempt to stay awake. Eli was passed out on Jasper's left with a look of complete euphoria on his face, telling Sophie that he had gotten into some of the painkillers.
She paused for a minute to look at the three men. Clearly they cared about each other a great deal and for a second Sophie wished she had friends like that. She knew for a fact that if she were lying in a hospital right now, with her life on the line she would be alone. Sure people would stop in occasionally, someone might even care enough to make sure she had fresh flowers, but no one would sit by her side for hours.
Sophie walked towards them and gently placed a hand on Jackson's shoulder, easing him down onto the bed. His eyes opened for a moment and he looked as if he were going to open his mouth to speak but Sophie hushed him with a gesture at his sleeping friends.
"I never got that sponge bath." He murmured before his head hit the pillow and his snores filled her ears.
After she covered him with a blanket she moved onto Eli and covered him as well. Finally she had to wake up Jasper, he looked so peaceful but she knew he would have a better nights sleep if he were in his own bed.
"Jasper." She whispered, allowing her hands to trail up and down his arms, convincing herself that she was only doing it to wake him up, pretending she didn't notice the lean muscle she felt under his shirt. "Jasper, wake up, we can go home now." She leaned her head closer to his face and lowered her voice even further.
At the word home Jasper practically sprung forward causing their heads to bump. Sophie's hands grabbed for his arms to steady him as he tried to focus.
"I'm sorry I didn't know you would wait for me, and I am sorry I startled you. We can go home now." She smiled, hoping he wasn't to perturbed by the time.
"Can you tell me the time?" He asked as he wiped at his eyes.
"A little past seven I think, I'm sorry." She repeated. "I didn't realise the time and I thought you had left, I should have been more thoughtful this was supposed to be your trip and I ruined it, didn't I?" Sophie blushed and looked at her feet, or at least the part of her that would have been her feet if she could see them past all of the dress.
"You didn't ruin anything, we had a lot to talk about and I wouldn't have felt right about you hearing everything Jackson says." Jasper smiled as he stood up and linked arms with Sophie.
"I'm sorry about your friends." Sophie looked at him for a moment before walking again.
"It is sad, they were like brothers to me. I will miss them, but ultimately it only gives me more reason to fight." Jasper looked firm in his declaration and Sophie felt her stomach lurch slightly.
They had made it out of the hospital and down the small main street before Sophie spoke again.
"I would like to continue working there. They need the help and it would feel wrong to jut sit around and do nothing." Sophie finally managed to form a thought that didn't include 'you lose!' as a sentiment.'
Jasper just nodded but Sophie could see a glimmer in his eye that she thought she could identify as pride.
"It takes a tremendous amount of bravery to do that. You must have a heart of gold." Jasper laughed though the sentiment was clear.
"Hardly, if I did I would have sold it years ago." She tried to deflect the complement, unsure of what else she could do with it.
They walked in silence a little more. Sophie couldn't help but think about what it would be like to kiss Jasper, right now. What would happen? Would he kiss her back, push her away, maybe he would just stand there? That wouldn't be too bad, she thought. 'No, no, no, you don't need that in your life.' The little voice in her head scolded and Sophie was going to listen to it. She had almost gotten the thought out of her brain entirely before she saw a flash of those familiar eyes, they were Samuel's eyes, her son's eyes.
Sophie stopped dead in her tracks causing Jasper to lurch to a halt before turning to face her and ask what the problem was. She forced herself to look at Jasper's eyes. It was too dark to see specific colour but she knew it with out having to look. They were Jasper's eyes.
'Do it then!' The little voice yelled. 'Watch him reject you!'
'Mija, I cannot save him. He is you, you must save him. Keep fighting.' Her grandmother's voice rang louder than the little voice she always listened to.
And suddenly, it made sense. The riddle of her grandmother's words had started to unravel and she began to see the picture. If she wanted Samuel to ever exist she needed to make sure it happened. Jasper was Samuel's father; she could feel that fact in her bones.
"I figured it out." She whispered before leaning up and pressing her lips against his. Her arms snaked her arms around his neck and felt encouraged when his hands anchored themselves on her hips. "I figured it out." She murmured again as she broke away from Jasper with a grin.