A/N - I'm a little bit obsessed with this chapter and if you don't like it, I will cry.
The first sign of trouble presented itself pretty swiftly after Sheldon's Billy Joel singalong. Everyone was assembled at Leonard and Sheldon's apartment for pizza and beer. Howard and Bernadette sat on the floor, Amy sat as close as possible to Penny in the loveseat, and Leonard, Raj and Sheldon were on the couch.
It was getting easier and easier to be around Sheldon and not want to mess with his hair or kiss him on the cheek or anything else that would give them away when they were with everyone else. It didn't matter-Penny was 99% sure Leonard knew what was going on. He may have been a little socially inept but he wasn't stupid. Thankfully she was also pretty sure he was dating someone new, because he had that dumb look on his face that she knew fairly well. It was the "I had sex today" face. He was never very subtle about these things.
The topic of the night was how much Sheldon was changing. Penny listened, amused, as his friends lovingly teased him about his new wardrobe..
"I mean, look at you, man," Howard was saying. "You're wearing a black shirt! With no nerdy significance whatsoever! And jeans! That's like me going without a dickey or tight pants. How do you even feel like yourself?"
"Wolowitz, I am a scientist. I am allowed to observe a certain amount of change within myself for experimental purposes, am I not? You probably wouldn't understand without a doctorate."
Raj scoffed. "Dude, I have a doctorate. I don't understand. You're coming in late to work and leaving early. You aren't deriving pleasure from harassing me when we work together. What's gotten into you, Sheldon Cooper? We want answers!"
Penny avoided Sheldon's eyes. This would be a good time as any to tell everyone, but they were still waiting. Penny didn't even know what they were waiting for anymore, but she was still giving him time. The serenading and the sex and the meaningful glances made waiting a little easier.
"There is no ascertainable reason for the way I've been conducting myself as of late. I just realized that my past behavior was maybe a tad bit rigid and somewhat difficult for others to deal with sometimes. So I'm trying a different approach. It's no big deal."
Penny caught his eye and smiled. She wasn't trying to change him…she fell in love with the Sheldon who drove her crazy every single day and wore geeky shirts and Member's Only jackets. But she did have to admit, after taking him shopping and having him select these new clothes, he did look handsome. Hot, even.
Penny was still hungry after the pizza. It was all the sex, she thought. She was in a constant state of hunger because of the calories she was always burning with Sheldon. Smiling, she found a banana in the kitchen and unpeeled it carefully.
Of course she could always count on Howard to cheapen a moment.
"That's one lucky banana, Penny," Howard said from across the room. Bernadette groaned. "What are you going to do with it? Test your gag reflex?"
"Penny doesn't have a gag reflex," Sheldon and Leonard said at the same time.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, balls and shit and fuck.
Every single head in the room turned in one direction. Sheldon's direction. He looked like he just got caught stealing his mom's wallet from her purse. He didn't even offer any kind of excuse as to why he knew this about her. Penny's heart was breaking for him.
"Sheldon Cooper. You, sir, are one dirty dog!" Raj said, and laughed like a four year old.
"Shut up, Raj! You don't know anything. None of you know anything!" Penny said, also sounding like a four year old. They were ruining everything.
"Oh, I think we know plenty," Howard said happily. "I think Sheldon's been holding out on us, and I think we know the reason for all the changes. Damn, Penny. Now I'm the only one left in the group that you didn't-"
"Howard, if you finish that sentence, I'm going to Junior Rodeo your tiny balls and put them in the blender."
"And I'm going to help her," Bernadette said, looking annoyed and disgusted with her fiancé.
Leonard, who had just been staring blankly at Sheldon since this whole disaster began, said, "Are you serious? I thought you two were seeing each other but I didn't know it was sexual!"
Once again, every head turned towards Sheldon. Maybe it was just occurring to them that Sheldon, who didn't have a deal, now most certainly had a deal. And it involved Penny 100%.
Penny was terrified to look at Amy. When she finally did, she wasn't disappointed-Amy looked devastated.
"I don't know how you made it happen, Penny," Amy said sadly. "I tried my hardest and it wasn't good enough. I guess if I looked like you, it would have been different."
Penny sighed. "It wasn't about looks, Amy. And it's not all about the sex. I'd explain it but I know that won't help. I'm sorry." Actually it was a little about the sex. But she didn't need to know that.
Amy shrugged. This was not going to be an easy situation to fix.
Sheldon watched everyone in his peer group implode and had no idea what to say. Penny knew he was freaking out. Sheldon never wanted this. He didn't want to hurt anyone. Penny wasn't sure what he ever wanted from her, but this wasn't it. She wasn't surprised when he quietly stood up and went into his bedroom and closed the door.
Penny got up and looked at Raj and Howard, who had no idea what was about to be unleashed.
"Okay, assholes, you listen to me. Sheldon is a good man with an amazing heart. None of you know anything about anything, and you should be ashamed of yourselves for making such shitty judgments. It isn't about sex. It's not cheap and it's not crass and he makes me happy and can't you see how he's changed? He's really putting himself on the line for me and all you can do is make fun of him for it. Ughhh!"
There was so much more she wanted to say, but the only person she cared about at the moment was in his bedroom, probably curled in the fetal position on his bed.
She knocked on his door but walked in without waiting for a reply. There he was. Fetal position. Bed.
"Sheldon...talk to me."
"Penny, there are not many occasions lately where I don't feel like talking to you, but right now, I find myself in desperate need of some alone time."
"Okay, you know what? I get that. I do. But please don't make this my fault. It wasn't your fault, either. You said what you said automatically and didn't expect it to cause such an uproar. But you're acting like I've betrayed you in some way and I don't appreciate it."
He looked up at her and blinked. She only saw coldness in his eyes. Whatever love he had for her, it was not there at the moment. And she had no idea what to do with that.
"I know it's not your fault, Penny. Please, can we talk about this in the morning?"
Penny sighed. He was shutting down on her. This wasn't good. Not good at all. But he was not the type who could be talked out of something when he wasn't in the mood to be talked out of it.
"Okay. Okay, I'll leave. But I want you to know that I love you. I love so many things about you. And no matter what those assholes out there think or say or do, that is not going to change. You're a strong and courageous man and I'm proud of you and I love you. Okay...yeah. See you later."
She hadn't said the "L" word since the first time they were together and now here she was blurting it out three times in a row. Penny knew Sheldon wasn't there yet and she didn't expect him to say it back. But it still hurt when he didn't.
Back in her apartment, she sat on her sofa in the dark, wondering what she was going to do now. Before she had a chance to get too deep into her thought process/pity party, there was a knock on her door. It was only one knock, and Penny knew it wasn't Sheldon.
"Come in, Leonard, the door is open."
A dejected looking Leonard walked in and sat down next to her on the couch. It was still dark, and Penny was grateful she didn't have to look him in the eye. She wasn't blind-she knew how Leonard felt about her since the first day she moved in. And that scene at his apartment must have really super sucked for him. Even if he did have a new girl in his life.
"Leonard...I know this is hard for you and I apologize that you had to find out this way."
"I won't say it's easy," he said sadly. "It's not that I haven't moved on or that I want to get back together...I really like Veronica and I think we have a future together. But you and I, we were together for a long time and we broke up because you...well, let's call a spade a spade. You didn't love me. And now here's Sheldon in all his weirdness and his awkwardness and you love him and it just doesn't make sense."
Penny just nodded. Everything he said was true...no use in trying to defend herself.
"So yeah, it does sting a bit. But on the other hand, you don't see what I see. When it's just the two of us in the apartment, going about our daily lives. He's a changed man, Penny. He hums. When he's making breakfast, when he's on his computer, when we're playing Halo. I don't know what that's about, but he does it with a smile on his face. You know, he'll be in the middle of writing furiously on his white board and then he'll just stop and look out into space with this weird grin on his face. You've transformed him. For someone who I was sure didn't possess genitalia, using it is sure making him a better person."
Penny grinned. "It's all him, Leonard. He's the one pulling the strings here. I'm just standing back and letting him go at his own pace."
"No, no, no. It's you. He had feelings for Amy and it never made him this happy. It's you. And you know what? I think I'm happy for you guys. I was afraid that once Sheldon achieved his career goals, he'd look around and have nobody special to share it with. So I'm glad he's finally letting someone else in. He deserves it."
Penny exhaled. "I love him, Leonard. I friggin' love the whackjob."
"I know you do. That was clear tonight. And for the record, Raj and Howard weren't trying to be disrespectful. They just had no idea that it was so serious between you two."
"Argghh. We really freaked him out tonight, Leonard. He's like a little baby deer-don't turn the headlights on or he'll run away. And honestly, I'm just waiting. Waiting for it all to come crashing down. Everything was going so well and now there's a tiny bump in the road and he wants to give up."
"He doesn't want to give up," Leonard said. "He just wasn't ready for us to know yet. He's mad at himself for saying what he said and outing the two of you. And maybe he's a little mad at you for starting this whole thing in the first place. I know, that makes no sense. But he's new to this, Penny. Give him time."
"Oh, time. Right." Penny was getting pretty fucking tired of time.
"Give him a few days and he'll be as good as new. This is just how he reacts to failure. And yes, he sees this as a failure. Let me give you a tip-don't try to get inside his head. It's not a pretty place."
She hugged Leonard in the dark. "Thank you. I'll give him time. But sooner or later, time is going to run out."
"Make it later, Penny. He loves you. In his own way, he loves you. Let that be enough for now."
She sighed. He gave her shoulder a pat and then got up to leave. His hand was on the doorknob and Penny was about to get up and go to bed when he said softly, "Why?"
"Why? Why what?" But she knew exactly what he was asking.
"Why do you love him? Why him and not me?"
She sighed. Really, Leonard?
"You really want an answer to that?"
"No. I don't. But tell me anyway."
"Come back over here," she said. He stumbled over to the seat next to her. "Let's see, where do I start? The way his mind works. I mean...he's a kook, we all know that. But there's logic to his kookiness. And an innocence. And I guess that innocence really caught me by surprise. Intrigued me. Fascinated me. And before long, every interaction we had was a learning experience. Every time he managed to insult and praise me in the same sentence was so frustrating and yet so interesting. And I just started falling in love with him. Remember when I gave him the Spock napkin and the only way he felt he could thank me properly was with a hug? He knew a hug would mean a lot to me, even if it made him uncomfortable. It's stuff like that. And the way he looks at me. The way he touches me. The way he trusts me-the way he's always trusted me. Even though we're total opposites, he came to respect and appreciate me in a way that I could feel all the way down to my bones. Leonard, I know you have no idea what I mean, but you asked. And that's all I can give you."
Leonard chuckled. "I'm sorry I asked. But thank you for telling me. I actually understand what you're saying. Some of those things are why he's my best friend. Why I continue to put up with him and drive him to the comic store and abide by the roommate agreement. He always has my back, even when I'm wrong. He's always there for me when I need him. Sheldon is a good man. And I guess...if you had to be with someone other than me, he's the best choice."
Penny smiled, somewhat sadly. "I think so, too." She gave Leonard a kiss on the cheek and he left, tail between his legs.
Before Penny went to bed, she quickly checked her email. To her surprise, she had one from Amy.
Dearest Bestie - I'm not mad at you. I'm not disappointed. I'm not sad. You know why? Because you stood up for Sheldon. You love him more than I ever did or could. You are the best thing that's ever happened to him and I know he knows that, but it's hard for him to accept. I love you, and I hope you guys can make this work.
Love, Amy.
P.S. - You know you're going to have to tell me about the sex someday, right? In detail. He's the luckiest guy on earth because he gets to touch that pristine milky flesh of yours.
Penny chuckled, only slightly creeped out by her enthusiastic BFF, and got into bed. Before she drifted off to sleep, her phone buzzed. Sheldon.
I'm sorry. I love so many things about you, too. Thank you for not giving up on me. We'll talk tomorrow.
It was simple, but it was all she needed to finally exhale and go to sleep.
Time.