Disclaimer: This story is not mine and neither is Glee.
Santana was quick to find Tina, Quinn and Brittany at their usual table in the quad. They were alone today with no sign of their significant others and Santana couldn't help but feel glad. It would be much easier to inform them of the events that had just transpired without their presence. It was early October and the weather, although still dry was starting to get cooler, the leaves outside a beautiful palette of various colours. Santana slid quickly into a vacant seat beside Quinn who looked at her with slight concern.
"You're late," Quinn commented, taking a moment to glance behind Santana in search of Rachel, "and alone." She continued. "Where's Rachel? Haven't you just had math together?"
Santana dropped her gaze to the table, feeling uncomfortable at the attentive looks her friends were giving her.
"Santana?" Tina asked her voice anxious. "What's wrong?"
Santana looked up to meet Tina's worried face, her gut twisting nervously. She knew that she had to tell them everything that had happened, Rachel had asked her to do so, but, that didn't mean it would be easy for Santana. She felt sick just thinking about how miserable Rachel had been, the words she'd spoken echoing hauntingly in her head. I wish that they'd let me die.
"Santana?" Tina asked nervously. "What is it?"
Santana looked between the apprehensive faces of her friends, each one of them evidently uneasy. They all cared for Rachel; Santana could see it clear as day.
"I don't know where to start," Santana admitted honestly.
"Is Rachel ok?" Brittany asked glancing at Tina who was becoming increasingly more restless beside her.
"Physically," Santana said. "Emotionally she's a bit of a mess to be honest."
"Where is she?" Tina asked making a move to stand up.
Santana reached out her hand and took Tina's quickly to stay her. "She's going home." Santana told them. "Miss Holiday is calling her dad to come and collect her."
"I should go and see her," Tina said standing once again and going to move past Santana.
"I don't think that's such a good idea," Santana admitted, pulling on Tina's hand once again.
Tina stopped just in front of Santana and looked at her, waiting for an explanation. Santana didn't say anything straight away, just sat silently watching Tina until the other girl took the hint and returned to her seat. Once she was back beside Brittany, Santana continued to explain everything that had happened in the short space of time between now and the end of their last class. Before she could even finish, Tina shot out of her seat and had almost completely passed Santana by the time she had reacted enough to realise what was happening.
"Tina," she said, hurriedly vacating her seat and chasing after the other girl. She placed a firm hand on Tina's shoulder and she turned to face Santana evidently irritated, "leave her. The help she needs right now we can't give to her."
"I can't just leave her," Tina replied tears threatening to fall, her voice catching in her throat. "She's my best friend."
"I know she is," Santana responded with understanding. She pulled Tina into a comforting hug and the other girl reciprocated it, her arms enveloping Santana firmly. "I know exactly how you feel and it is killing me to stay away as well, it really is, but, Miss Holiday is right. Rachel needs to speak to someone who is trained in dealing with situations like this."
Tina relaxed her grip on Santana and stepped back slightly in order to meet her gaze.
"I can't lose her," Tina said wretchedly. "I won't. I've only just gotten her back again."
Santana pulled Tina into her again in an attempt to ease her fears but she felt a complete fraud, knowing that she shared them one hundred percent.
"I don't think she'd do anything," Santana said, trying to put as much conviction into her voice as she could, but, even she heard the doubt in her tone. "She was just…."
Tina looked up at her expectantly.
"Venting," Santana finally finished. "It was just words. That's all. I don't think she's really given the idea any serious thought. She's not…you know….I don't think she'd actually go through with anything…she wouldn't ever…"
"Kill herself?" Tina said quietly when Santana found that she couldn't speak the words out loud.
"Right," Santana replied, nodding her head slightly and rubbing Tina's back with her hand reassuringly. "Plus, she's with Miss Holiday and then her dad will pick her up and take her to see her therapist…it's not like she'll be left on her own or anything."
Tina nodded in agreement, Santana's logic offering some small comfort at least. The two of them moved back to their seats, Brittany placing a consoling hand on Tina's shoulder and wiping away a stray tear which had loosed itself onto her cheek with her other one. Quinn smiled sadly at Santana, threading her arm through hers and holding her hand, entwining their fingers together, their shoulders pressed closely to one another.
They sat together in relative silence for the rest of lunch, the mood among them sombre and thoughtful. Finally, lunch period was over and Santana and the rest of the girls separated to go to their respective classes, agreeing to meet up by Santana's car at the end of the day to contact Rachel's dad and see whether they would be able to see her. Santana made her way back to Miss Holiday's classroom, anxious about why the teacher wanted to see her. She feared reproach for her outburst earlier towards Rachel. She already felt guilty enough for her words but to have Miss Holiday acknowledge them enough to admonish her increased that tenfold.
She knocked warily on Miss Holiday's door, waiting for a response to permit her entrance to the classroom. She entered timidly when she heard Miss Holiday's voice respond 'Come in.'
Her teacher looked up and smiled kindly when she saw Santana approaching the desk at the front of the room, the door quietly clicking back into place behind her.
"Santana," Miss Holiday greeted, gesturing for her to take the seat in the desk opposite her own.
Santana sat down hesitantly as Miss Holiday leaned forward onto her elbows, closing the distance between the two of them. Santana lowered her gaze nervously, waiting to be reprimanded.
"Are you ok?" Miss Holiday asked the youngster, her voice full of genuine concern. "I just wanted to check on you after everything that happened?"
Santana raised her eyes to meet Miss Holiday's and did not doubt the look of surprise which would more than likely be on her own face.
"Really?" Santana asked her. "You're not going to tell me off for what I said to Rachel?"
"Knowing you, I think you're probably already punishing yourself enough for that." Miss Holiday said sympathetically.
Santana nodded her assent.
"Look Santana," Miss Holiday said seriously. "This isn't an easy situation for anyone, you and the rest of Rachel's friends especially. Everyone is trying their best to be there for her. You all care for her greatly and want to help her get through this."
She paused for a moment before continuing.
"Sometimes people need to hear a little bit of honesty in order to help them get some perspective." Miss Holiday went on. "I don't think you said anything that wasn't true or she didn't need to hear."
"I shouldn't have gotten so angry though," Santana noted.
"I agree that your delivery could have been better," Miss Holiday said laughing lightly. "I think under the circumstances it was understandable so try not to beat yourself up about it too much."
"Is she going to be ok?" Santana asked her hopefully. "I mean, she'll get help?"
"Her dad picked her up and they've gotten an emergency appointment with her therapist." Miss Holiday told her. "I think it's important for Rachel to talk about her thoughts and feelings. She talks about the accident, about what happened to her and what she can and cannot do as a result of it but, she never comments on how it made and makes her feel. Sometimes we'll get a glimpse into her head, like, for example today but, not often. She doesn't volunteer the information willingly it has to be drawn out of her."
"She bottles everything up," Santana agreed.
"You've noticed that too huh?" Miss Holiday chuckles.
"It's because she doesn't like relying on other people," Santana notes perceptively. "She doesn't want to admit that she can't do the things she did before. That she needs help. She always looks so ashamed when she asks me to do something for her."
"I think part of the problem is that Rachel hasn't really dealt with what happened to her," Miss Holiday replied. "She's still in denial about how serious the accident was and how close she came to dying. She thinks that because she is back at school she should be back to normal and it frustrates her that she isn't. It is understandable that it upsets her, it really is."
"She doesn't think it is though." Santana said simply. "Understandable I mean. She thinks it means she's weak and pathetic."
"That is precisely the problem," Miss Holiday agreed.
They sat in silence for a moment before Miss Holiday scrawled a note for Santana to take to her next period teacher explaining her tardiness. She stood up from the desk and walked around to where Santana now stood standing.
"You're a smart girl Santana," Miss Holiday said handing her the note and smiling considerately. "It's nice to see that you and Rachel have become such good friends. She's lucky to have you around to support her."
Santana took the note but said nothing, unsure how to respond to Miss Holiday's kind words.
"My advice," Miss Holiday went on, "just continue to be there. Even when it's hard for her and she lashes out or tries to push you away. Especially be there for her then, because that's when she'll need you to be around the most."
"I will," Santana replied truthfully.
"If you ever need to talk," Miss Holiday continued, "about anything, I'm here alright?"
"Ok," Santana acknowledged. "Thank you."
"Stay strong," Miss Holiday noted smiling. "Rachel will get through this eventually. You all will."
"I hope so," Santana said as she picked her bag up from the floor and put it over her shoulder.
"You'll see," Miss Holiday commented. "People are notoriously resilient."
Santana returned Miss Holiday's smile, thanking her once again before heading towards her next class. She sat, her mind preoccupied with thoughts of Rachel and everything that had occurred today throughout this and the rest of her classes until finally and with great relief, school was over. Santana rushed outside to the car park to meet up with Quinn, Tina and Brittany and was happy to find them already assembled, Brittany leaning against the frame of Santana's car, Tina biting her nails nervously, her phone pressed to her ear.
"Hi," Santana greeted. "Is Tina calling Rachel?" she asked of Brittany.
"She's trying to," Brittany answered pushing herself off the car frame, "but she isn't answering. This is the fifth time she's been passed through to Rachel's voicemail."
"Rachel!" Tina said obviously having been invited to leave a message after the tone. "Would you please answer your phone? I'm worried about you. We all are. I'm coming over there if you don't get back to me. Rachel! Pick up the phone! Ugh, if you don't have a valid reason for not answering my calls I'm going to kick your ass alright? Do you hear me Berry? Get ready for a Poly beat down."
"What?" Tina asked as she disconnected the call and noticed the others looking at her with an amused expression on their faces.
"You'll kick her ass?" Brittany asked chuckling lightly. "That's a little bit counterproductive don't you think?"
"Nah," Tina said, "she knows I'm only joking….well, kind of."
"So what do we do?" Quinn asked. "Are we going to go round to see her?"
"Have you tried calling her dad?" Santana asked Tina.
"No," Tina replied. "I thought I'd try Rachel first. I'll try here now though."
Tina selected the contact in her phone and put it to her ear once again.
"So did you manage to concentrate on classes at all this afternoon?" Brittany asked Santana as they waited.
"No," she admitted. "You?"
"No," Brittany said stepping forward a little closer to Santana. "I feel like we should do something for Rachel," she continued. "You know, to cheer her up."
"Like what?" Quinn asked.
"I don't know," Brittany replied honestly.
"Hi, Hiram," they heard Tina say as the call obviously connected. "It's Tina…yeah I know….is she….ok….yeah….should I….is that alright….ok…yeah….bye…."
Tina put the phone back into her pocket as the others waited expectantly.
"She's home," Tina commented. "Her dad said that she's been a bit of a mess this afternoon but that her therapist thinks it'll be good for her to have some friends over."
"So it's a go?" Quinn asked eagerly.
"It's a go." Tina confirmed.
"I have to go back to mine to pick up a few movies," Brittany informed them. "I completely forgot to pack something in my bag this morning."
"I'll drive you," Quinn offered generously.
"Ok, well, we'll head over to Rachel's house then," Santana said. "See you there?"
"We won't be long," Brittany said as her and Quinn turned and started to make their way towards the shorter girl's car.
Santana unlocked her car doors and got inside, Tina following closely after her. They drove together to Rachel's house, Santana pulling up at the curb outside and shutting off the engine. She turned to look at Tina who had made no move to get out of the car.
"You think she'll be ok?" Santana asked nervously.
"I guess there's only one way to find out," Tina said, reaching for the door handle and vacating the car.
Santana followed suit, locking the car with her key fob as they made their way up the path to Rachel's door. It bought back memories to the time Santana had made this same journey, after the barbecue at Quinn's when she and Tina had helped an exhausted Rachel back home. Santana smiled at the recollection.
Tina knocked on the door and shortly after it was opened by a short man with dark hair which Santana assumed to be Rachel's dad. His eyes were puffy and red, his face tired looking and Santana felt herself smile sympathetically.
"Hi Tina," Mr. Berry greeted, pulling her into a warm hug. He'd known Tina since she was born and Rachel had commented once before that they were pretty much thought of as a member of the family by each other's parents.
"Hi," Tina replied hugging him back tightly. "Are you ok?"
They separated and Santana saw Mr. Berry smile gratefully at Tina's concern.
"I'm fine," he said patting Tina's shoulder reassuringly. "It's just been a rough day….for everyone I think." He turned towards Santana. "Hi," he greeted extending out a hand.
"Hi," Santana reciprocated, taking his hand awkwardly.
"This is Santana," Tina introduced.
"Oh," Mr. Berry said in recognition, the two of them not having met up until this point. "It's nice to finally meet you Santana. Rachel talks about you all the time."
"Nice to meet you too Mr. Berry," Santana replied.
"Please," Rachel's dad said, "Call me Hiram."
"All the cool people do," Tina commented and Hiram laughed in response. "Where's Rachel?" Tina asked.
"She's in her room," Hiram replied. "Knowing Rachel she's probably listening to her music." He paused for a moment to gesture the girls into the house. "Go on up girls. Tina you know where it is."
"Thanks," Tina said, leading Santana into the house and towards the stairs.
Santana glanced around, taking in Rachel's home as they made their way through it. She'd not been to Rachel's house before and Santana found that it almost perfectly suited what she had imagined it to be. It was the definition of a family home; there were family photos everywhere, pictures of Rachel and her little sister playing at the beach, a family picture that had been taken in front of the tree at Christmas. It wasn't cluttered, but it wasn't in pristine condition either, instead having that 'lived in' quality which Santana liked.
Santana studied the pictures lining the wall as she made her way up the stairs behind Tina and almost bumped into the other girl as she came to an abrupt halt on the landing and knocked gently on a door in front of them.
The pair of them waited for a moment for permission to enter but when nothing came, Tina carefully opened the door and stepped into the room. Santana followed after her and almost instantly saw the form of Rachel, lying on her side atop the bed, asleep, her earphones in place and the sound of music just audible from where she stood. An open notebook lay on the bed beside her, a pen resting in the crease of it.
"Rachel," Tina said approaching the bed. She perched herself down on the edge of it, her arm reaching across Rachel's body to help keep her balance.
Rachel's eyes opened at the sudden shift in the mattress and she blinked a couple of times before she seemed to recognise Tina before her. She pulled the in-ear headphones out and sat herself up in the bed.
"Hi," she greeted and Tina instantly pulled her into an enormous hug.
"Hi?" Tina asked laughing, "That's all you've got to say….You scared the crap out of me today Chancho."
"I'm sorry," Rachel apologised hugging Tina back firmly. "I didn't mean to."
"It's ok," Tina replied separating herself from Rachel, but brushing a stray lock of hair out of the other girls' eye. "Just, try not to do it again alright?"
"I'll try," Rachel said her voice small.
"Do we need to talk about what happened?" Tina asked her.
"Probably," Rachel admitted glancing in Santana's direction and offering a smile in greeting. Santana smiled back, her hand lifting into a minute wave. "Did Santana tell you everything?"
"Yes," Tina informed her.
"Everything?" Rachel pressed anxiously.
"Yes everything," Tina clarified. "Did you really say that?"
"Say what?" Rachel asked.
"You know…" Tina implored.
"That I wished I'd died." Rachel said emotionlessly.
"Yeah that," Tina replied. Rachel nodded her head. "Do you really wish that Rach?" Tina said sadly. "Would you ever….you know, do something about it?" she asked a hint of desperation in her voice.
Rachel shook her head in response.
"Then why did you say it?" Tina asked her. "I've been worrying about you all afternoon, picturing all kinds of horrible scenarios." She paused momentarily and inhaled deeply in an attempt not to start crying. "I won't sit by your hospital bed again Rachel. I can't do that alright? I don't ever want to have to feel like I did back then again….not ever."
Tina wiped at her face, tears coming despite her best efforts.
"You have no idea what it was like," Tina went on, "to see you in there…..to just wait and wait and….wait, some more. To listen to your dad crying…and Beth….she kept asking questions…she didn't understand why everyone was so sad."
Santana felt her own eyes moisten at Tina's words and for the first time in the last month she was grateful that she'd not known Rachel at the time of the accident. She didn't think she'd have been able to function if she'd been in Tina's place, she felt like she was being ripped in two just thinking about it.
Rachel was crying too now and she kissed Tina lightly on the temple.
"I won't," she said quietly between sobs. "I promise. I'm sorry. Please don't cry Tina."
Tina pulled Rachel back into a ferocious hug, sniffling in an attempt to stop crying.
"I love you Chancho," Tina said swallowing hard. "So much."
"I love you too," Rachel replied kissing Tina on the cheek and tucking her chin into the crook of her neck.
They stayed like that for a moment and Santana wiped at her eyes with her sleeve to rid the tears which were spilling from them.
After a minute, Tina cleared her throat and the two of them separated.
"So," Tina said gesturing for Santana to sit down on the end of the bed so that they could all talk. "How did it go with your therapist?"
"It was ok," Rachel said glancing between her friends. "She's put me on some anti-depressants and I have to go and see her every week now."
"What did she say?" Santana asked her interestedly.
Rachel stroked her arm thoughtfully before answering.
"She says I need to deal with my feelings towards the accident," Rachel said. "That I need to stop focusing on what I can't do because of it and think about the things that I can do."
"Like the fact that you are having a coherent conversation with us without your tongue getting stuck in your head." Tina stated smiling.
"Right," Rachel said smiling too, as though she'd not even really realised that her speech was so much better than it were four weeks ago. "I need to be more positive."
"I could have told you that." Tina said, "You're always so hard on yourself."
"She told me I should write my feelings down," Rachel told them. "Put them in a journal or something so that I can get them out and stop internalising them."
Rachel picked up the notebook on the bed and showed it to the Tina and Santana.
"What's that supposed to say?" Tina asked pulling a face at not wanting to offend Rachel.
Rachel laughed and Santana's heart leapt at the sound. It seemed like a lifetime ago she'd last heard it and she was glad that its sweet music was finally back.
"Well," Rachel replied. "I started writing and couldn't, so I ended up just scribbling all over the page."
"I think it's probably a perfect representation of how you feel," Santana smiled.
"I know right?" Rachel chuckled, a broad grin spreading across her face. Santana felt her own smile widen exponentially in response to it. "I thought so too."
"We should hang it up," Tina said ripping out the page and standing up.
"What?" Rachel said.
"You know, for therapeutic reasons." Tina said, finding some blue tack and sticking the page up on Rachel's wall. "That way you can look at it and I don't know, punch it or something when you feel that way again."
"You're an idiot." Rachel chortled.
"What else did your therapist say?" Santana asked as Tina sat back down on the bed. "Besides to become the next Banksy with your awesome art."
"She told me I should try and get back to doing the things that I used to enjoy before the accident," Rachel enlightened them. "Easier said than done though."
"Why is that?" Santana asked.
"Because…" Rachel said, "The things I used to enjoy were playing my guitar, reading and writing. I can't do any of them very well."
"Yeah but practice makes perfect right," Santana said standing up and picking up the guitar resting against the wall in the corner of Rachel's room.
Rachel looked dubious but took the guitar in her hands. It felt alien to her, cumbersome and weighty.
She tried to curve her left hand around the neck of the guitar but struggled to manoeuvre her injured hand easily, the fingers not responding to the commands of her brain. Rachel grimaced slightly, her wrist painful and stiff in the splint she had on, her muscles protesting to being stretched more than they had been over the last few months.
"Here," Santana said reaching for Rachel's wrist as she opened and closed her fingers quickly to encourage some sensation back into them.
Santana gently undid the splint and paused, studying the now evident damage to Rachel's arm. A thick, angry looking scar ran the length of Rachel's forearm and across her wrist into the palm of her hand. Santana examined Rachel's hand closely, stroking her thumb across the blemish until Rachel pulled her arm away self-consciously.
"It's ugly I know," Rachel said pulling her sleeve down to cover it up.
"No it's not," Santana told her pointing at the scar on her forehead and then to the one on the left side of her head. "Neither are they."
"I think they're kind of cool," Tina said seriously. "I don't have any scars…I'm kind of boring."
"Trade you," Rachel responded teasingly.
"A scar simply means that you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you," Santana stated thoughtfully. "Or….kill you in your case I suppose."
Rachel laughed despite the joke being in bad taste.
"I love that." Tina said. "Did you just make that up?"
"No," Santana admitted, "I saw it on tumblr."
"I should have known," Tina replied laughing. "Tumblr is full of wisdom."
"Seriously though Rachel," Santana said reaching out and taking back her arm to roll up the sleeve which was now covering the imperfection. "Don't ever be embarrassed or ashamed of your scars. Like Demi Lovato said they're, 'beautiful in a way. They show what you've been through and how strong you are for coming out of it.'
"You like Demi Lovato?" Rachel asked excitedly.
"Are you kidding? I love her," Santana answered enthusiastically.
"Me too!" Rachel replied happily.
"Do you know how to play any of her songs?" Santana asked Rachel.
"Of course," Rachel said feigning indignation.
"Heart attack?" Santana asked her.
"What?" Rachel questioned uncertainly.
"Try and play it." She clarified.
"Oh," Rachel said, her brow furrowing in concentration. She stuck her tongue out as she tried to wrap her hand around the neck of the guitar once more. She managed to get her fingers connected to the strings but was unable to co-ordinate her fingers enough to make a chord. "Crap," she cursed. "I can't get my fingers in the right position. They feel numb."
Santana scooted closer to Rachel her left hand grasping the neck of the guitar.
"Ok," she said, "How about this….I'll make the chords and you do the strumming pattern."
Santana placed her free arm around Rachel's torso so that it was out of the way.
"Are you serious?" Rachel asked.
"Yeah," Santana said, "Why not? I've played the guitar since my dad taught me as a kid."
Rachel looked at Tina who was smiling encouragingly.
"Alright," Rachel said and she looked for Santana to form the first chord.
Slowly, the two of them managed to work their way through the song, Santana moving her hand instinctively to form the notes whilst Rachel strummed the tune.
"See," Santana said happily once they'd finished. "Easy. Now, this time, don't worry about the chords, just play as if you were doing them yourself. I'll keep up with you."
Once again they played the song, this time the two of them working in unison so that it was almost perfect. Tina even sang along to the music, her voice filling the room whilst Rachel laughed cheerfully.
"We did it," Rachel exclaimed afterwards. "Did you see that? I actually kind of did it."
"So you'll practice?" Santana asked her, "Then in a few days you'll be able to form one chord yourself, ok? That's your mission."
Rachel's chuckle filled the room and both Santana and Tina shared delighted looks.
"Ok," Rachel almost sang, "Yeah, alright. I will."
"Aww yay," Tina said pleased. "I've really missed you playing the guitar Rachel. You were so good at it."
"Will you help me practice?" Rachel asks Santana hopefully. "Maybe if I get good enough we can play guitar together?"
"I'd really love that," Santana said honestly.
"Me too," Rachel told her truthfully. "Thank you."
"No need to thank me," Santana told her seriously, "The look on your face right now is all the thanks I'll ever need. Its' so nice to see you smiling again."
"Amen," Tina agreed.
Rachel's features broke into a face eating grin and she chuckled, a light, easy laugh which made elated Santana more than she'd ever thought possible. Santana was so content and happy in that moment that she didn't think she could feel any better if someone came in and told her she'd won the lottery.
Santana was proven wrong however when Rachel leant over and planted a quick grateful kiss on her cheek before saying, 'thank you' once more. Santana's smile grew even wider, her hand reached up to touch the spot carefully in surprise. Her head felt light and giddy and her heart had seemingly grown ten times as large in her chest, its beat pounding in her ears loudly. Santana thought that if it were possible to die of happiness, she would have drop dead on the spot right then and there.