A/N: I love you all! Thank you for reading!

Disclaimer: I'll say it backwards! .gnihtyna nwo t'nod I

Time to Piss Off Pirelli!

After playing matchmaker with Johanna and Dumbass (that's his name now, isn't it great!) I went back to the shop. When I got there, everyone was gone. They went to the market without me! Sure, Mrs. Lovett didn't know I was there but that is no excuse!

When I finally got to the market (it took a long time because someone ripped a hole in the space-time continuum) Jack had just spotted the Beadle. He was gonna kill him right then and there, because he was used to making a big scene. Luckily, Mrs. Lovett grabbed his arm.

"You can't kill people with witnesses around anymore, Jack." I whispered in his ear. Jack pouted. He can be such a child sometimes.

There was a stage in front of us, and a kid popped out from behind the curtain. He started to bang on a drum. Jack actually seemed interested, because the kid looked familiar to him. He just couldn't put his finger on it. The kid started to sing.

"Ladies and gentlemen
May I have your attention per-lease?
Do you wake ev'ry morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
What ought not to be there
Well ladies and gentlemen
From now on you can waken at ease
You need never again have a worry or care
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare
Gentlemen, you are about to see
Something what rose from the dead--
On the top of my head!
T'was Pirelli's Miracle Elixir
That's what did the trick, sir
True, sir, true
Was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir!
Just like an elixir
Ought to do
How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed
Does Pirelli's stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir
'Tis unique
Rub a minute--
Stimulatin' innit?
Soon you'll have to thin it once a week!"

An idea was starting to form in Jack's mind. He knew a fraud when he saw one. I mean, come on, he's a pirate.

"Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench?"

Mrs. Lovett decided to join in.

"Are we standing near an open trench?
Pardon me, sir, what's that awful stench?"

"Must be standing near an open trench"

The kid tried to ignore them.

"Buy Pirelli's Miracle Elixir
Anything what's slick, sir
Soon sprouts curls
Try Pirelli's!
When they see the thick, sir
You can have your pick, sir
Of the girls!
Wanna buy a bottle, missus?"

Jack and Mrs. Lovett got a hold of a bottle. He made a show of sniffing it.

"What is this?"

"What is this?"

"Smells like piss"

"Smells like-- phew!"

"Looks like piss"

"Wouldn't touch it if I was you, dear"


"This is piss…
Piss with ink"

The kid was starting to get nervous. Jack and Mrs. Lovett were just playing with him.

"Let Pirelli's activate your roots, sir"

"Keep it off your boots, sir--
eats right through"

"Yes, get Pirelli's!
Use a bottle of it
Ladies seem to love it!"

"Flies do too!"

With that final insult Adolfo Pirelli himself burst out all dramatic like.

"I am Adolfo Pirelli

Da king of da barbers

Da barber of kings

E buon giorno, good day

I blow you a kiss!

And I, da so famous Pirelli

I wish-a to know-a

Who has-a the nerve-a to say

My elixir is piss!

Who says this?!"

He was mad. Jack was quiet for a bit, probably waiting for me to say how this would impact our joke. When I didn't say anything, he threw caution into the wind.

"I do. I am Mr. Sweeney Todd of Fleet Street. I have opened a bottle of Pirelli's elixir and I say to you that it is nothing but an errant fraud, concocted from piss and ink. Furthermore -'Signor'- I have serviced no kings, yet I wager that I can shave a cheek with ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank! You see these razors? I lay them against five pound. You are no match, Signor. Either accept my challenge, or reveal yourself as a sham." Jack was definitely playing the pirate game here. He did have and unfair advantage, since I had magically given him his barbering talent. But Pirelli thought that he had the advantage.

"You hear zis foolish man? Now, please, you will see how he will-a regret-a his-a folly! TOBY!" They kid ran up to Pirelli like his life depended on it, which it probably did.

"Who's for a free shave?" Jack asked to crowd. They were all very enthusiastic. When they had two willing customers, Jack asked if the Beadle would be the judge.

"Glad, as always, to oblige my friends and neighbors." He said. Jack sure was an amazing guy. He managed to put in his own joke while keeping to our joke and possibly using said "his joke" to said "our joke's" advantage.

"The fastest, smoothest shave is the winner!" the Beadle blew a whistle, and it was on. That's when I saw that not only was Pirelli a fake, but was also abusive. Poor kid.

"Now signorini, signori

We mix-a da lather

But first-a you gather around

Signorini, signori

You looking a man

Who had-a da glory

To shave-a da Pope!

Mr. Sweeney whoever--

I beg-a you pardon

You'll probably say it was only a cardinal--

Nope!

It was-a da pope!

To shave-a da face

To cut-a da hair

Require da grace

Require da flair

For if-a you slip

You nick da skin

You clip-a da chin

You rip-a da lip a bit beyond-a repair!"

Jack hadn't started yet. See he was playing with Pirelli. He's the kind of predator that plays with his victims by letting them think that they are playing with him when he is actually playing with them before going in for the kill. Savvy?

"To shave-a da face

Or even a part

Widout it-a smart

Require da heart!

Not just-a da flash

It take-a panache

It take-a da passion for da art"

He still hadn't started.

"To shave-a da face

To trim-a da beard

To make-a da bristle

Clean like a whistle

Dis is from early infancy

Da talent give to me

By God!"

Cutting it a bit close! The song's almost over!

"It take-a da skill

It take-a da brains

It take-a da will

To take-a da pains

It take-a da pace

It take-a da graaaace!"

He started shaving on Pirelli's last very long and unnaturally high note. He finished in five seconds and now he was a five pound richer! He smiled a "Ha, ha" smile at Pirelli, who was pissed.

"Sir, I bow to a skill far greater than my own." Jack didn't care, he wanted the money. He also didn't notice Toby who was staring at him like he was trying to remember where he'd seen Jack before.

"The five pound." He said simply, holding out his hand. Pirelli gave it to him.

"May the good Lord smile on you. Until we meet again." He hid his anger pretty well. But in his next lines said anger was apparent.

"Come, boy, come!" he slapped the Toby and then started rambling angrily in Italian or German or Pig Latin or some random language. I congratulated Jack when he came down. Someone came up to him and asked if he had his own establishment. That joke of his had worked for our joke in more ways than I thought. I spied the Beadle.

"Time to lure in the Beadle." I told him. He walked over to him.

"I thank you sir, you are a paragon of integrity." Man, for a pirate, Jack sure uses a lot of big words.

"Well, I try to do the best for my friends and neighbors." Sure you do. "You establishment is in Fleet Street, you say?"

"Yes, sir." I know it killed him to call someone else "sir", but that's just the fun of it.

"Well then, Mr. Todd, you will surely see me there before the week is out."

"You will be welcome, Beadle Bamford, and I can guarantee, without a penny's charge, the closest shave you will ever know." The Beadle tipped his hat to Jack and walked away. Now things were starting to get good.