29th November 3018

After refilling my water flask from a river for the first time, I spent some time sitting in a meadow regaining my sanity. Closer examination of the flask revealed several maresbreath leaves wedged under the rim in what is undoubtedly one of the most conniving and ingenious deceptions I have ever encountered. Those midgets are clever. Evil, but very clever.

I spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying the peace of the soft grass and cool breeze in the meadow, pondering my future plans. My overenthusiastic sneaking on the way out of Imladris had no doubt attracted much attention and mirth, as I periodically stopped to declare my intentions of killing lots of Orcs.

Well, there's no other option; I'll have to stay out here for at least a few weeks. My pride cannot bear the thought of returning to Imladris humiliated. The awkwardness of my previous return was tempered by the trepidation of every elf that I might dye their hair also; in this case, I had only humiliated myself. Nothing awaits me back at Imladris but shame and embarrassment if I return now; my only choice is to remain in the wild and kill as many Orcs as I can lay my hands on.

Here, orky, orky, orky…

*sigh*

I could really go for a hot bath right now.

30th November 3018

We leave on the 25th of December, so I've got about a month to kill. I'll probably go back a few days early to replenish my strength and reassure the midgets, but otherwise I'm stuck out here.

Three weeks without hot water, good food, clean clothes and a warm bed.

Twenty one days…

Five hundred and four hours…

Thirty thousand, two hundred and forty minutes…

One million, eight hundred and fourteen thousand and four hundred seconds…

… without a bed, without cake, clothes or coffee.

I am going to kill those f***ing midgets.

1st December 3018

As I monotonously slaughtered yet another foul, stinking Orc, I couldn't help but wonder if I was forcing myself to do this. The elves, pretentious gossipy twats though they may be, are undeniably friendly and forgiving. Maybe it is my pride alone that is forcing me to stay out here in the wet, cold and spiky forest.

I cut down another Orc and continued my reflections. It was my pride that pushed me to accept this quest, pride that makes me dislike that moron Aragorn and pride that even now forces my hand. Perhaps it is pride that will kill me as well, forcing me into some unmentionable act by which I am destroyed. Will it be my hubris that is my fatal flaw, the one gap in my otherwise utterly magnificent personality?

Maybe I should work to overcome my pride, to humble myself before the elves and Aragorn in order to continue learning and growing as a person.

On the other hand, Aragorn is a prick and I'm awesome. And sexy.

This is totally the midgets' fault.

F*** midgets.

2nd December 3018

More monotonous Orc killing. I've been sleeping in trees but today found an unused rabbit warren, which I'm enlargening with some pilfered Orkish blades and breastplates. I drop the helmets and bodies into the river. I stitch the Orc clothing together into sacks, which I fill with food, weaponry, other clothes and any equipment like rope which I find on their bodies. The ground is hard due to the cold, but after a day or two's work should be big enough for me to sleep in, with a camo blanket concealing the entryway. Another few days and I'll have my own little cave, so long as it doesn't rain; though I suppose I could just lodge a few breastplates into the entrance and hope it doesn't soak through.

At least digging, though difficult and largely pointless considering the many trees I could sleep in, is occupying me better than Imladris. There's no Arwen to kid around with or Aragorn to annoy/ be annoyed by, but I suppose the negative of no Arwen is made up for by the definite positive of no Aragorn. There's no evil hobbits to torment me, no damned horse to attack me, no snooty elves to be androgynous at me and embarrass me constantly with my incorrect greetings.

This might actually be peaceful.

3rd December 3018

Those stupid, idiotic, arrogant, ridiculous little elves! The bastards came out to look for me because, in the words of the leader of the little search party, I "might be alone and confused, ill-equipped to deal with the difficulties of the Northern wilds."

Well, you know, I can't be expected to deal with these conditions since I've never, for example, spent several months travelling by myself without supplies, transport, local woodcraft, guides or companions- oh, what's that? I did that just a few weeks ago? Of course I did, you elven moron. It's how I got to Imladris in the first bloody place. That elf is an idiot.

I told him to bugger off, largely because the bastard was condescendingly telling me that I was "totally incapable of caring for yourself, utterly unprepared for these conditions and unskilled in any relevant woodcraft."

He can go back to Imladris and keep himself occupied with sticking his perfectly groomed head up his own arse.

The other elves were sniggering at me behind their hands, apparently finding my unwashed and uncombed hair, dirty clothing and filthy cloth sacks of looted equipment to be rather amusing. I casually stepped sideways, sending an Orkish breastplate filled with dirt into the air and effectively flinging the worm-ridden filth straight onto the elvish party. Their complete surprise and disgusted expressions as they picked the dirt from their clothing was enough to make this entire horrifying interlude worth it.

"Terribly sorry, gentlemen. I do apologise, but I have been digging a safe place for storage," I said charmingly. They glared at me and I giggled internally. The leader flicked some dirt clumps from the side of his face and carefully marshalled his patience before he could bring himself to speak.

"We have been instructed to retrieve you and bring you back safely to Imladris," he said in a steely voice. "If you do not wish to go with us, we will assume that you are still under the effects of the drug and will bring you back by force."

I nodded thoughtfully.

That was a fair point. I hadn't removed the maresbreath leaves from my flask, so it was entirely possible that I was still experiencing the reaction even now. I am totally okay with that, because I feel seriously awesome right now, but that could be wearing off any time now anyway, and I still couldn't face going back to Imladris. If I'm drugged now, my survival chances will be less and I might be injured or even killed by the many not-killed-by-Rangers and inexplicably-still-alive Orcs wandering around these forests.

On the other hand, this elf is really annoying.

I seized the breastplate and flicked more dirt at the elves before grabbing my weapons and absconding up a tree. They were not wood elves and could not follow me, instead stuck with their horses and unwieldy saddlebags of equipment and supplies. I, unburdened by food or equipment and with the element of surprise on my side, quickly escaped. I leapt silently from tree to tree, swiftly escaping from their sight.

I'm like a Gondorian ninja, I swear. I should wear black…

On the other hand, black is actually quite a bold colour in a forest of dark greens and greys. Dark grey would be more appropriate, but I dislike the way that it sets off my complexion. I am covered in dirt all the time, but that's no reason to let my personal appearance go.

An arrow slammed into a tree trunk not four inches from my left ear. I stared at it for a long moment. Did that tree just sprout an arrow? I didn't know that they could do that.

I set off again, capering merrily through the tree tops until I reached the river, where I swung across on a long broken branch. The elves shouted at me.

Their arm waving and dancing around was amusing to me, so I sat down. It quickly grew boring, but then I started watching the trees around me sprout arrows, which was interesting. I don't know how they do the feathery bit at the end, but otherwise it's quite awesome to observe. Eventually they stopped doing it, so I wandered off into the forest.

I found some more maresbreath leaves and wedged them into my water flask. If I am high right now, I really want to stay that way because everything is freaking awesome right now. The trees are really, really green and the grass is really, really soft and I am just going to lie here under my camo blanket and sleep because sleep sounds like a really, really good idea right now.

Allergies are awesome.