Chapter 6: Bridges

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I laid back into the soft grass under the cover of a gold and red canopy of leaves. I felt the warm rays of sunlight that passed through the openings that autumn had created as winter began to approach. The cool feeling of the shade slowly left my body as the sun's warmth danced along my body. It was an auspicious start for a day that had yet to even begin. It was hard to believe that it was only last week I spent my first day with Kyou in this very same spot. She had shown up at a time where I was completely down on my luck and lost. I can't change a lot of things that happened but at least now I have someone there to support me through all of this. Is this what I was longing for that night when I was searching for answers?

I pushed myself up into a sitting position while I reflected on all of this. Through the panels between the trees, I watched a young father teach his son how to ride a bike. His voice was carried to me by the wind that traveled in my direction, allowing me to hear the enthusiasm and support in his words as he and his son bonded together. I felt a light laugh escape through a breath as I realized how pathetic of a father I was. I added that to my ever-growing list of failures as a husband and father. A few more painful laughs followed the first while my heart broke a little bit more each one. That empty feeling came back to me as that father and child rode off into the distance, out of sight from the panels of my wooden jail cell. It became uneasy to breathe and my heartbeat became a dull, inescapable pain. The panels that were formed by the surrounding grove began to feel like a cage closing in on me. I started to feel claustrophobic and alone as my heart pounded harder against my chest.

Suddenly the world went dark around me. A familiar voice whispered into my ear, her words tingling as they passed through.
"Guess who it is?"

"I'll have to think about this one. Is it Ryou?"

"Eh, the other one, but close enough; here is your consolation prize. Ta-dah!"
Kyou removed her hands from my eyes and placed a bento on my lap.
"Be excited Tomoya, I worked hard on this one."

I feigned celebration of my 'close-enough victory' while Kyou laughed at my childishness. She handed me a pair of black lacquer chopsticks that I became accustomed to over the past week. We ended up spending almost every night together since by the time I finished at the office Kyou would already have been home from school and prepared dinner. We would end up just making conversation while she worked on homework or we watched television; usually ending with me falling asleep.

"So, how does it taste? Be honest, Tomoya, I know you lie."
As usual, Kyou demanded to know my opinion of her cooking. Instead of answering her directly I started to turn it into a game of answering her in the most roundabout way possible.

"It definitely has a unique taste. The rice is like normal rice, but it isn't. It's this flavor that can't be put into words that the human mind can understand or even begin to comprehend. It's like trying to describe the color purple. Well, more like trying to describe the meaning to life. Yes, the meaning to life is hidden within each grain of your rice. If only we had analyzed your rice earlier, mankind would have found the blueprints to a utopia. It is obvious that you are a messenger sent by God to free us from–"

"Tomoya, you're an idiot."
Kyou smiled at me in a way that made my heart skip a beat. I haven't felt that way for some time. For a brief moment I saw Nagisa in her and the heaviness in my chest was relieved. I couldn't help but smile back and laugh with her.

"It tastes great, just like every other time."

Kyou sat to my right side and retrieved her set of red lacquer chopsticks. We shared the bento while we quietly watched the world through the open panels of the trees that surrounded us. I felt Kyou's shoulder lean against mine for support while we watched time unfold beyond the trees. Just sitting together like this was enough for me.

"Tomoya, are you okay with this? That is, with us being together so much recently?"

"Yeah, of course. It's been relieving to me, if anything."

"Do you really mean it? I don't want you to be doing this just for me. You've been through so much already; I don't want to be another burden to you."

"Mhm, I do mean it. And you're not a burden at all. I felt like I was the burden this whole time. You weren't the one who passed out drunk at a random bar."

Kyou softly laughed. "I'm happy that you did, Tomoya. I wouldn't be sitting here with you right now if you didn't do something so stupid. Which reminds me: you still haven't paid me back."

Kyou pushed me over with her shoulder that she was leaning on me with. I overdramatized the force she used and threw myself onto the ground and feigned injury.

"Ahhhkkk! My shoulder! I think you dislocated it with that bestial strength of yours!"
I rolled around on the ground clutching my 'injury'.

"Don't think you can change the subject that easily!"

"Uurrgh! I'm in so much pain that I can't possibly focus on anything else!"

"I'll help you focus on something else! You're not getting yourself out of this one again!"

Kyou tried to restrain me from moving around so much. I, of course, resisted by rolling around some more all the while continuing to express my 'pain and discomfort'.

"Aahhhhgh! You're hurting me! My poor shoulder, what did it ever do to deserve this? I thought I was your friend!"

Suddenly I found myself in an awkward position: Kyou was sitting on top of me while pressing my arms down against the ground. Her breathing was heavy from trying to prevent me from moving around so much. She was about to say something, but paused for a moment to catch her breath before continuing.

"Can't we be more than friends?"
Kyou brought herself closer to me, her face only inches away from mine. She was practically laying on top of me at this point. She wasn't holding my arms any longer but I felt paralyzed; I was incapable of lifting even a finger.

I began to feel disoriented, like my mind was at war with itself. I wanted this to happen, but I couldn't accept those feelings. I felt like I was betraying Nagisa but it hurt too much to be alone. I wasn't prepared at all for her to leave me. She was the only thing right in my broken life and she left me without so much as a warning. The only thing that mattered to me was being with her and now I have nothing left.

"Kyou ––"

"Please don't say it."
She briefly pressed her lips against mine.
"I'm fine with just this."

"I don't know what to do right now.. it's just that…"

"It's okay, Tomoya. I'm sorry."

I wasn't entirely sure what I even wanted. Was I trying to replace her with Kyou? Is that all I saw in Kyou, just somebody who could replace the void that was left behind by Nagisa? I couldn't do that to either of them. I'm finally okay now, I don't want to go back to being alone; it hurts too much. I don't know what to do anymore.

"I'm really fine with just this…"
I felt the sting of a teardrop touch my face as she placed a lonely kiss on my cheek. The impression of her lips singed my skin like an ember struggling to stay aflame. I felt Kyou's embrace around my body and her head rest against my chest. She placed a hand above my heart and drew with her index finger.
"Is it okay if I hold you?"

"Yeah."

I stared out into the sky hoping to find an answer in that ocean of blue emptiness but not so much as a clue appeared. Kyou continued to draw within an imaginary square above my heart while we laid there in silence.

For a moment I swore that she wrote 'ki'. I began to concentrate on what she possibly could be writing. She was writing something else this time; I think 'person'? No, she drew a line through it; so she wrote 'large'? The next one is 'woman'? And then 'child'? Then 'ki' again. That doesn't make any sense at all… why would she –– Oh.

'Daisuki'.

I placed a hand on top of hers and gently interlocked her fingers with mine. I kissed the top of her head as she tried her best to not cry. I tried to embrace her with my right arm, gently massaging her between the neck and shoulder. I don't know why but I felt the need to comfort her. Maybe it was because this whole time she had been supporting me and I never had the chance to support her.

"Hey Kyou, we didn't finish our lunch, huh?"

"No.. not yet."
She was trying her best to not show me that she was crying. Even when she's the one who needs comfort she still tries to look out for me. This woman is definitely something else. I placed a hand on her cheek and wiped away a tear. I could feel her sniffling and the heat of her face being cooled by her tears.

"Want a tissue for that?"

"You're a jerk Tomoya."
Kyou softly laughed as she gently squeezed my hand resting on her cheek.
"Thank you."

"Don't worry about it. I owe you at least that much."

I sat up, continuing to let Kyou rest her head on me. She picked up the black chopsticks and ate another piece from the bento. I reached for the set of red ones she normally used but was stopped midway by a gentle tap on my hand. She took another piece and brought it nearby my face, gesturing for me to take it. Kyou and I continued our meal like this while we watched the world through the panels of the surrounding trees again.

"I like this, you holding me that is."
She took another piece for me to eat. She looked directly at me and smiled before continuing.
"Plus, this is sort of like kissing indirectly."

I was chewing the food while she said that and momentarily paused to think about it. I swallowed and lightly laughed at her.

"What do you want to do now that we've finished eating?"

"Let's go for a walk together!"
Kyou's face lit up as she spoke. Her eyes brightened and she had a radiant smile.

We packed up the containers of our lunch together before we set off for that path we had been watching the entire time. Kyou seemed so overjoyed about us walking together that it was as if she never cried in the first place. It was sort of relieving. This walk probably would help me sort out everything on my mind.

We walked down the small path that led from the grove to the main trail. The path was narrow and lined with shrubbery and foliage so Kyou walked in front of me as we passed through. We reached the main pathway leading to a foot bridge not too far ahead of us and continued walking forward.

"Where do you see yourself 4 to 5 years from now Tomoya?"
Kyou was walking side by side with me as we made our way towards the bridge.

"I'm not entirely sure, really. I always thought life would continue the way it was for me. What about you though? I'm sure you have elaborate plans in store."

"Well, I'm still working on getting my degree to teach kindergarten. I know what I'll be doing up until then, but not after. I guess that's why I'm asking."

"You'll probably end up becoming a teacher then, right?"

"I hope so. I just feel like everyone else has so plans way more extravagant than mine. I mean, Ryou is becoming a nurse. Whenever she visits I feel so inferior just becoming a kindergarten teacher. I know it's not a bad job, but I can't help it, you know?"

"You're not the only one. I lost a big job opportunity about a year ago for reasons outside of my control. Just talking to old friends I feel that way. You're the first person I've felt this comfortable with in a while but I still feel like what I do is a joke compared to you."

"Don't say that Tomoya, what you do is important. Not enough people get jobs that benefit others like yours does. You just don't get thanked for it. You're the person who makes sure we always have power in our homes and lights for us to feel safe at night."

"I guess if you put it that way it makes me feel better. Same goes for you, too. Being a kindergarten teacher is like the first stepping stone for kids to become proper citizens. Or else they end up like me."

We both laughed together about my delinquencies of the past as we walked along the foot bridge that passed over the water.

"You're right, if I ever get your daughter in my class I'll make sure she doesn't become a delinquent like you."
Kyou stopped walking for a second. Kyou bowed deeply before she continued to speak.
"I didn't mean it… to bring up Ushio like that. I'm sorry!"

Hah. Of all places to bring up Ushio, on a bridge that is suspended above a body of salt water. How ironic. But I wasn't angry at Kyou at all. In a way, I was angry with myself that I was adding another thing to my list of failures as a father. By leaving Ushio what was I doing to her? I was just like my dad and I hated him for it. Hopefully she does find a great teacher like Kyou so she doesn't end up anything like her shitty father.

"I hope you do become her teacher. She shouldn't be anything like me; that way she can become something that matters."

"Tomoya, don't say that!"
I felt Kyou's embrace around me.
"You're not as bad as you always think you are! It's not your fault Nagisa died and left you with Ushio! You weren't ready for something like that! No one can blame you for it!"

That was the first time I heard those words: 'Nagisa died.' I broke. I felt my knees give in and Kyou try to sit me down gently. I couldn't help but keep crying. She was dead. It felt like torture trying to accept those words. My heart ached as if it was being torn in half. I felt like I was choking from the rush of all the emotions. I wasn't sure if I was still even breathing in air. I could hear Kyou's voice but none of it processed in my head properly.

I was taken back to that winter last year. I had Ushio in my hands while Nagisa slipped away. My vision was cloudy with tears and I kept yelling for her to not die but nothing came out of my mouth. I screamed at the top of my lungs for her not to leave me again. Her last words were inaudible as she continued to slip away. Her hand became cold and she was gone again. She was dead.

"Tomoya! It's okay Tomoya! I'm not going to leave you, don't worry! It's okay, I'm still here!"
Kyou was cradling me in her arms ignoring the rest of the world and their stares.
"Shhhhh, it's okay. You don't have to keep crying anymore."

"She's dead Kyou… she's dead."

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Footnotes:

'ki' – I am referring to kana when she writes this, particularly hiragana.

'person' – In this case I am referring to the kanji for 'person'. If you want to know what the kanji looks like to better understand the scene, google search: 'kanji for hito'.

'large' –Kanji reference; Search for 'ookii'.

'woman' – Kanji reference; search for 'onna'.

'child' – Kanji reference; search for 'kanji for ko, shi'

'daisuki' – Probably one of the most well-known phrases to anime fans; 'I love you' or 'I like you a lot'; other variations are included for the most part. I will try to explain how the phrase is written for those not familiar with kanji or the Japanese language.
In this case, Kyou writes it with kanji to mask the simplicity of its hiragana form in attempts to hide what she's writing from Tomoya. Tomoya started out with 'ki' since it is easily recognizable, which comes at the end of the phrase. 'Dai' is another pronunciation of the kanji for large. That was the beginning of the phrase as you can see. She then writes woman and then child. Tomoya's confusion stemmed from not realizing at first that she was writing the kanji for 'fondness' which is practically 'woman' and 'child' put together as one kanji. Google 'kanji for suki' for a better idea. Remember that he was only feeling the stroke order, not actually visualizing it. Then she ended with writing 'ki' to complete the phrase 'daisuki'. (If you looked at the google search you will see both the kanji for 'suki' and 'ki' put together for you; just imagine now that the kanji for 'large' was in front of it.) I hope that was understandable!

Both the name 'Ushio' and 'Nagisa' relate to water which is why Tomoya found that ironic. Bridges are also well known in literature as a metaphor for bringing two people together, but in this case that bridge was 'burned' because Tomoya's inherent 'failure' as a father.