The Kiss

Kurt's Side

I am disgusting. I am pathetic. I am repulsive. I am disgusting. I am pathetic. I am repulsive.

Kurt sat curled in a ball at the bottom of his shower, tears and running water pouring down his face, his relentless sobs muffled by the bathroom fan. The new mantra filled his mind, on endless repeat. The memory swam in front of his eyes, causing his chest to constrict and his sobs to become more painful. He sat there letting the water run over him, feeling nothing as he was dragged back into the memory...

Kurt smiled giddily down at his phone, where the latest text of encouragement from Blaine had been pulled up onto the screen. He couldn't believe Blaine had kept is word, that he was being so friendly to him. But it was nice. Kurt was so distracted by his message that he didn't notice as a pair of giant hands smacked his phone out of his grip, then grabbed him around the shoulders and thrust him into a locker. Hard. Kurt looked up, his eyes stinging angrily at Karofsky's retreating figure. Blaine's message of courage rang in Kurt's ears as he stormed after the malevolent jock that seemed so hell-bent on torturing him. Kurt was on a mission to get some answers. He flew into the locker room eyes sparking with fury as he approached Karofsky. "I am talking to you!"

"Girl's locker room is next door" I am not a fucking girl. I am stronger then you.

"What is your problem?" Kurt demanded fiercely. Why won't you leave me alone?

"Excuse me?"

"What are you so scared of?" Kurt advanced a little further, rage igniting every fiber of his body.

"Besides you sneaking in here to look at my junk?" Kurt's mind reeled at the ignorance and stupidity of Karofsky's statement. He wasn't attracted to every guy that he saw, least of all Karofsky.

"Oh yeah every straight guys nightmare, that all us gays are secretly out to molest and convert you! Well guess what hamhock, you're not my type." Fear pounded in Kurt's veins, but he didn't care anymore. He was going to be heard, he refused to be pushed around anymore.

"That right?"

"Yeah, I don't dig on chubby boys that sweat too much and are going to be bald by the time they're thirty." Kurt seethed venomously.

"Do not push me Hummel." Kurt winced slightly as Karofsky raised his fist, but willed himself to continue. It's just pain, it can be dealt with.

"You going to hit me? Do it." It wasn't the first time that Kurt challenged Karofsky this way. He told them the same thing when they wanted to beat him up for wearing his GaGa outfit. How long will it take for them to realize that they will never be able to change me?

"Don't push me!" Karofsky practically screamed as he slammed the closest locker shut. Kurt felt a little surprised that his words were bothering Karofsky so much, but there was no way he could stop them now.

"Hit me because it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me anymore then I can punch the ignoramus out of you." Kurt was so undeniably himself, how could they really think being hit would change any of that?

"Just get out of my face!" No! I am not backing down! I won't be scared of you anymore!

"You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!" Kurt saw the look of rage and shock pass over Karofsky's face and his heart thudded wildly. He had done it. He had stood up to Karofsky.

Karofsky moved closer and Kurt braced himself for the blow, when he suddenly felt rough hands wrap around his face, pulling him closer to Karofsky. Chapped lips attacked his mouth hungrily. An overwhelming smell of sweat accosted his nostrils, and bile rose up in Kurt's throat as his brain struggled to comprehend what was happening. He tried to escape, but Karofsky's grip was like iron. No, no, no, no. This could not be happening. Karofsky finally pulled away, his face full of desperation and lust. Icy fear spread through Kurt's veins as Karofsky moved towards him again. Kurt shoved him away with as much strength as he could muster, hoping with everything he had that Karofsky would leave. Karofsky let out a tiny whimper before smashing his hand into the lockers and storming out. Kurt felt his body slump to the ground, paralyzed as waves of shock rolled over him. Kurt sat there for several long minutes, fingers pressed to his bruised lips, body shaking uncontrollably. He couldn't think about what had just happened; his mind was doing all it could to block it out. Eventually though, Kurt's sense of self-preservation took over and he stood up. He walked warily out into the hall, and spying his phone lying next to a locker he scooped it up. Blaine's last message was still there, but Kurt forced himself not to look at it. He made it out to his car, and he drove home on autopilot, only letting his mind focus on the road.

Kurt somehow found himself in his bathroom with the door locked. Nausea swept over Kurt and he collapsed next to the toilet, retching into the porcelain bowl. After Kurt managed to control himself, he used the counter to pull himself off the floor and he stared vacantly at his reflection in the mirror. His face was completely drained of colour, his lips swollen and cracked, and there were deep purple shadows under his eyes. Kurt looked himself in the eye and everything inside him broke apart. Vicious thoughts teared at his heart, thoughts that claimed he was repulsive; something only a monster could love. Sobs began to rack Kurt's body and he struggled to turn the shower on, desperate to smother the sound. He tore his clothes off of him, wishing to never see them again, to never be reminded of what had happened that day.

Cold water sprayed his skin and he was jolted into the present. Kurt quickly turned off the shower before getting out. He avoided his reflection as he made his way into his bedroom. Kurt pulled a flannel sleeping set out of his drawer and threw it on. He fell into his bed, burying himself in the covers. When his dad came home, Kurt would tell him that was sick, and that he just needed sleep. Hopefully that would be the end of it, and he would be left alone.

Kurt lay there still tormented by agonizing thoughts of Karofsky, and courage gone awry. He had cried himself out a while back, and now he simply lay there starring at the wall, wishing it had been a dream, wishing he wasn't who he was, that he wasn't such a target. He wished for everything that could never be true.

Exhaustion eventually overtook him and as he succumbed to sleep the cold reality set in: the only other gay kid at McKinley is one that will never be out of the closet.

Kurt whimpered in his sleep as an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and despair plagued him.

Firstly much love and gratitude to those that put this on their alerts and reviewed! You guys are awesome!

Writing this was such an intense experience! I had writer's block over it for quite a while, but when I actually got into it, it was crazy! I re-watched the scene to copy down all the dialogue, and it started stressing me out. Then as I added the narration on, my body went numb, my hands got all clammy…it was so cathartic! I have never experienced that while writing before, and it was very odd, but cool.

Unfortunately I won't be able to update quite as often (I'm hoping once a week though) now that school as started again and I'm insanely busy! But I will try my best! =)

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, Chris Colfer, or Max Adler!

Please review, lovely people! =)