A/N: Number one: someone, I don't care who, needs to write me a fic wherein Jane and Maura are the reincarnations of Xena and Gabrielle. If you're a subtext!happy Xenite and have seen the 47638 damn reincarnation eps (okay, there's probably only like 2. Unless you count clone!Xena & clone!Gabby, then 3), you'd understand why. INEEDNOWSRSLY. It's a random thought I had that I sadly don't have time to write myself. Number two: I need more Rizziles people to talk to on twitter. ENTERTAIN ME: Twitter/OhShinyTomato [/end public service announcement]
A/N #2: Sorry if you were one of the people who tried to read this chapter and randomly got stuck with a chapter of an old Buffy/Faith story. Aha. I need to pay more attention.
CHAPTER SIX
First Kiss
The first time Maura kissed Jane was, interestingly enough, during the Christmas party, after one of the biggest fights they ever had.
They hadn't spoken for six days since Maura's revelation before dinner that night. Six. Instead of Jane coming down to the morgue to give her updates about current cases, it was Frost. Sometimes Korsak, but never Jane. Ever.
Jane was polite to her in front of others, of course. But it was strictly business between them for almost a week. Korsak asked Maura what was going on, though probably only after asking Jane and getting nothing from her. Maura just told him they were having a difference of opinion at the moment, a tone in her voice that indicated she would like him to drop the subject. Korsak had always been a man of intelligence and perception, so he did.
It tore Maura apart though; them not speaking to each other. She respected that fact that Jane obviously needed space and time to think about things, but as each day passed with nothing changing, the more she realized that she probably just lost her best friend.
Her only friend, really.
She blamed herself, of course. Maura supposed that was the appropriate reaction most people had under these types of circumstances. She should have had more control over her verbal functions, she should have never tried to manipulate Jane into a date, she should have never fallen for her in the first place.
A whole bunch of 'should have never's' that didn't make the slightest bit of difference because she did.
So when Maura got to the Christmas party, she was fully prepared to be ignored by Jane once again. But to her surprise, and very obvious shock, she wasn't. "Maura!" Jane calls as she walks in, waving enthusiastically for her to come over.
The confusion on Maura's face must have been evident, because Jane nods at her, smiling, as she coaxes her over. Maura finds her feet moving to her almost magnetically before her brain can fully comprehend the absurdity of this situation, given the past couple of days. Suddenly she finds herself next to Jane.
God, she does look beautiful in that dress…
"Maura, I want you to meet Maggie Cole, I used to work with her when I did Narcotics," Jane introduces, which makes Maura realize that Jane isn't alone. Maura blinks, trying to process the situation as her eyes flick over to the woman she's being introduced to.
Maggie was about medium height, maybe an inch taller than Maura. She was deceptively strong for how girly she looked – not at all like Jane, who wears her strength like a medal and chooses to accent that with the type of clothes she wears and the 'tough-as-nails' attitude. No, Maggie looked right at home in her short, black dress and heels. In fact, unless you noticed the ripple of muscles through her arms every time she moved, you would think that she didn't look cut out for a job in Narcotics. Her skin was tinged with olive, making her look a mix of Puerto Rican and Irish decent. Her short black hair was pulled back and yeah, she was pretty. Beautiful actually.
But she was no Jane.
"Oh," Maura exclaims, knowing her surprise is shown in her voice. But she extends her hand in greeting, not wanting to be rude. "Hello."
"Hi," Maggie greets her as she shakes her hand. She has a firm grip, which doesn't surprised Maura in the slightest. "Jane's told me a lot about you."
"She has?" Maura asks, eyebrows rising, still shocked and confused by what's going on. What is going on?
"Yes, she speaks very highly of you," Maggie informs her. "She says you're the most brilliant medical examiner that she's ever had the pleasure of working with." Maura notices Maggie's eyes trail her form; taking her in. Maybe sizing her up. "Among other things," she finishes, smiling.
Other things? What other things?
Maura can't think very well right now, she's too confused as to what this is and why. She looks at Jane, hoping her face indicates that she needs some sort of explanation. Jane doesn't bite.
"That's… very kind of her," Maura starts, acknowledging Maggie. She then turns back to Jane. "Jane, can I have a word?"
"Actually, I was about to go get Frost. I need him to—" Jane starts, taking a step back. Maura isn't about to let this slide though. She's pretty sure she's starting to get it now.
"It'll only take a second," Maura tells her, before nodding towards Maggie. "Excuse us." She takes Jane's hand in hers.
"Of course," Maggie says, but Maura notices her looking at their intertwined hands. Not one to really care what strangers think, Maura leads Jane away and over to a private corner.
"What are you doing?" Maura asks, confused.
"What do you mean, 'what am I doing'?" Jane asks, untangling her hand from Maura's and folding them across her chest. "I was introducing you to someone; what does it look like?"
"You haven't spoken to me in six days and eleven and a half hours, Jane."
Jane blinks. "You know, you're a bit freaky when you get all precise like that." She tries to give her a side smirk, but it isn't received well.
"Jane."
"What?" Jane asks, defensive. She throws up her hands, like she's fed up with an altercation that has just barely started. "Look, I had my reasons for doing that. I just needed some space. But we're past that; moving on, see?" she indicates the space between them like it's supposed to mean something. "I just thought you'd like her."
"Like her for what?"
"Huh?"
"Like her as a friend or like her in my bedroom?" Maura asks bluntly. Jane looks a little awkward at that statement, but keeps her resolve. She shrugs, like it doesn't matter. Yet this entire thing has so much significance even Jane couldn't cover it up with an indifferent persona.
"I suppose that depends on how well you two hit it off."
Maura looks at her indignantly, starting to get a little angry. "How dare you try to set me up with someone; I'm not something you can just pawn off on other people when you don't know how to deal with me, Jane!"
A couple of heads turned in their direction.
"Jesus, can it, Maura, will ya?" Jane hisses, grabbing her friend's hand and pulling her into the woman's bathroom so they can have some privacy, since Jane realized Maura isn't about to be quiet about anything anymore.
Maura's been silent about things for far too long now. It ate her up inside and she's done with it. She's always been an honest person and being anything but was just stressful.
"God, do you seriously gotta cause a scene over this?" Jane asks; annoyed with the fact that some people may have heard what she said. Worried about how it could be construed.
"I'm not causing a scene, Jane," Maura says flatly. She looks at her, hurt. "I just can't believe you would do something like that."
"Something like what? Maura, I was trying to be nice! Isn't she your type?" Jane defends, pointing at the door, indicating Maggie somewhere on the other side of it.
"How would you even begin to know my type? You've never asked."
"Well…" Jane stumbles, looking a little perplexed. "She… I mean, she's pretty, right? And she's gay."
"So the basis of your judgment is because she's an attractive lesbian? Not all gay people are attracted to each other, Jane," Maura tells her, like she's being completely ridiculous. Jane looks at her incredulously.
"She carries a gun," Jane tells her, like that should be the final point of her argument that reigns above anything else.
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well you like woman who carry guns, don't you!" Jane exclaims, clearly frustrated by now.
"You mean like you?" Yeah, she's not beating around the bush any more. She's tired of it.
Silence. They just stare at each other.
Finally Jane sighs, putting her hand over her eyes and rubbing her forehead. "Maura, don't go there. You're just… confused because I'm the only woman you're ever around."
Another silence. This time it's deafening.
Maura's seething. "How dare you presume to know how I feel and why!" she yells, not at all bothering to be discreet anymore. That was the most presumptuous thing she's ever heard come out of Jane's mouth. It was insulting. Jane tries to respond, but Maura doesn't let her. "If you don't feel the same way then that's fine, Jane, alright? I'll deal with it and move on because our friendship is the most important thing to me. But I like you, not some gun toting lesbian from Narcotics!" Jane tries to say something, but once again she's cut short. "And frankly I find it insulting to our friendship that instead of talking to me like an adult about this; you don't speak to me for nearly a week and then try to pawn me off on someone else! That's probably the most immature thing you've ever done, Jane Rizzoli!"
"Immature?" Jane scoffs, getting angry herself now. She points at her accusingly. "You want to talk about immature, Maura? Alright, let's talk about the time that you manipulated me out of going on a date with some guy, just because you were jealous!"
Maura can't speak; the words choke up in her throat. She knows she looks terrified.
"Yeah," Jane stresses, noting the look on Maura's face. "And for your information, I didn't stop speaking to you over your little revelation over dinner. It was because the next day I ran into Giovanni. You know, he looked awfully confused as to why I assumed he had a genetic disorder."
Maura swallows, "You… asked him about that?" There was no way this could end well.
"Well I was kinda curious seeing as that 'tumor' you pointed out was mysteriously gone the next time I saw him," Jane spits out, furious. "So that, Maura, is why I stopped talking to you. Friends just don't do that shit to each other! I'm not your fuckin' lab rat that you can poke and prod and see if I'll do a trick for you!"
"That's not what I think of you as!" Maura objects, chest tightening. This train was barreling down the wrong side of the tracks and fast.
"See, this is why I never fucked with smart people. You guys just like to amuse yourselves by screwing with the less gifted. Well I hope you had your fun, because it's over now."
"What?" Maura asks, astounded that Jane would even think that. "Jane!"
But Jane's trying to walk out the bathroom door. Maura frantically gets there first, flattening herself against it; blocking Jane off. "Jane, you know that's not what I think of you!" Her heart is pounding in her chest and she realizes she's completely terrified. This is not how things are supposed to go between them. Even if they don't live happily ever after, they are still supposed to be friends.
"Move, Maura." Jane's not kidding around.
Maura isn't either, though. "No!"
"Maura, I swear to god if you don't move then I will make you move," Jane warns. Maura can tell by the look in her eyes that she's not joking about the matter.
She really screwed this up. She knows that the way Jane grew up that she's had stipulations with people who are more gifted and more privileged than her, and Maura was both. But it never used to matter. After their differences in the beginning of their friendship they had moved past that. But now it seems like Jane's lumping her in with everyone else who had wronged her because of her actions. Maybe she deserves it, but she's not about to lose a friendship over it.
"I'm sorry, Jane," Maura tells her sincerely, honestly, with every amount of emotion she can muster in her voice. She looks her in the eyes, pleading. "I know I shouldn't have done that, but I just didn't know what to do…" her voice breaks.
"Maybe you should have talked to me like an adult!" Jane snaps, using Maura's own words back at her. Maura flinches.
"I was… I was scared, Jane. You don't understand how hard this has been—"
"What, how hard it's been for you?" Jane asks, spitefully. "That's just it, Maura. You just think about yourself. You didn't take half a fucking second to think about how hard it's been for me!"
Maura blinks. "What?" Did Jane just imply what she thinks she implied?
Jane shakes her head, putting up her wall of defense again. Arms crossed over chest, glare in place. "Just forget it, okay? Move."
"No! I'm not going to let you walk out of here like this!" Maura tells her.
"Well too bad this isn't the world where Maura gets whatever she wants."
"Do you have feelings for me, Jane?" Maura asks, knowing that if not anything else, it'll at least stop Jane from trying to physically move her out of the way. It works.
"I'm not gay, Maura!" Jane yells, too loudly and too defensively than the purpose called for. Maura noticeably finches.
"You didn't have to shout," she mumbles.
"Obviously I do seeing as you're not understanding!" Jane exclaims, frustrated. She runs her hand through her hair and sighs in aggravation. "Fuck, Maura. I want to be your friend. You're the best friend I've ever had in my whole damn life but you're making this hard."
It's too much for Maura. All this yelling; all this fighting, Jane sounding near disgusted about the implication that she likes women… again. It's too many emotions, it's too much to handle, and Maura just breaks down and cries. She can't help it, she can't stop it, and she feels like a complete idiot since she keeps doing it so often. But when romantic feelings are involved it always tends to be one extreme or the other.
"Shit, Maura, please don't do that…" Jane says, her voice noticeably softer as she notices Maura's distress. Jane has never been able to handle Maura crying without needing to do something about it. She takes a hesitant step closer to her friend, who's covered her face in shame as she tries to control her crying. But one touch from Jane and she just dissolves. As Jane takes her in her arms, trying to shush her, she bawls on her shoulder, holding onto her like letting go would mean her certain death.
Jane has one hand around Maura's waist and another cradling her head protectively against her shoulder. She shushes her again, trying to help Maura calm herself down. She kisses the top of her head, then dips her head down to kiss her shoulder. "Shh, c'mon, sweetie. Don't cry…" she whispers in her ear. She nuzzles into her neck, her fingers stroking the small of her back.
Something snaps in Maura.
Maura roughly pushes Jane away, making her stumble. Jane looks like she's just been slapped and the shock of it is evident on her face. Maura still has tears streaming down her cheeks but now she looks angry, hurt, confused. "Don't do that!"
"Do what?" Jane asks in exclaimed disbelief.
"God, you do that all the time and you don't even notice, do you?" accuses Maura, wiping away the fallen tears on her cheeks fiercely.
"What are you talking about? I was trying to comfort you!"
"I'm not stupid Jane! I may have not had many friends but the way you act with me sometimes is so past the friend's barrier that I don't even know where to start! You do this all the time and you confuse me and you wonder why I have feelings for you?" Maura shrieks. All the pieces are starting to fall together now. Maybe it's ironic that she sees things more clearly now that she's pretty sure she'll never actually have a chance with Jane, but that doesn't stop her from voicing her observations aloud.
"What?" Jane asks, not knowing what else to say. She looks absolutely confounded.
"We sleep together, cuddled up, in the same bed all the time," Maura starts, rattling off her list, voice getting bolder with each passing word. "You hold my hand, you kiss me whenever you can get away with it, you always want me close to you. Always. You sit so unnecessarily close sometimes, and you always need a body part of yours touching mine. Sometimes when we're really close, face to face, your breath will hitch and you'll search my eyes like you're trying to find an out which I'm never going to give you. I know you look at me the way I look at you, Jane! I've studied body language and I know how to read facial expressions and the only reason I didn't see it before was because I was so terrified that I was somehow making it up. But I'm not, and you know I'm not, and I know you have feelings for me, Jane! God, I've never seen someone so far in denial! You're—"
But Maura's cut off, her breath taken from her as Jane pushes her up against the door, placing a hand over her mouth in desperation. "Stop!" she cries. Maura would have had to have been deaf to not hear the fear behind it. "For fuck's sake, Maura, just stop," Jane pleads, pinning her against the door as she leans her forehead against hers, closing her eyes. Maura has never seen Jane look so defeated.
Maura's breathing heavily; the crying, the anger, the fear, and the intimacy in which they're pressed together is overwhelming her senses. They're both quiet for a moment and the only sound that can be heard is their breathing as they both try to calm down. Jane slowly takes her hand away from Maura's mouth, leaving their lips mere inches between each other. Jane takes a breath before she starts. She still doesn't open her eyes.
"It doesn't matter," she whispers. Maura can feel her breath on her lips and it makes her shudder in need.
"How can you say that?" Maura asks softly, a hitch in her throat from emotion. She looks up at Jane as her hand cups her cheek, trying to make her open her eyes and look at her. But Jane doesn't comply and she slowly traces Jane's jaw line with her fingers, then her thumb ghosts across her bottom lip. Jane noticeably swallows and shuts her eyes tighter, like she's trying to block out what's happening, yet she doesn't move an inch. That speaks volumes to Maura.
"Because we can't." It's said so softly that Maura almost missed it.
"Why? Jane… I—" Maura tries, but cuts herself off as she realizes words probably aren't going to get her anywhere in this situation. Instead she leans her head up, brushing her lips softly across Jane's. She feels the detective let out the breath she had been holding, but she doesn't move to close the distance. "Jane, I need you," Maura breathes, just before her lips come into contact with Jane's.
For all of Jane's protesting, the feeling of Maura's lips on hers seems to ignite something in her and she kisses her back forcefully, desperately, as both of them instantly grab hold of each other; grasping at clothing in the fear that the other will run. Maura doesn't try to stop the moan that falls from her lips as Jane's tongue explores the inside of her mouth for the first time and she wraps her arms around her neck, tangling her hands in her hair, knowing that if she died in this very moment than at least she would die happy.
Jane's breathing erratically into her mouth through their insistent kisses and Maura's pretty sure it's because she's terrified. Her heart is pounding pretty hard herself. So Maura cups Jane's face in her hands and whispers against her lips, "It's okay Jane, it's okay…" between kisses.
"Maura," Jane breathes. She kisses her again, but Maura can tell the passion behind it is fading and fast. "Maura," Jane repeats, but this time it seems like she's trying to get her attention. No, no, no! Maura quickly kisses her roughly, acquiring dominance over Jane and the situation. She presses herself tightly against her, one arm around her waist while the other grips her hip like she's afraid of letting her go.
"Stay with me," she whispers though her kisses. She doesn't want to stop kissing her, ever. She's so afraid that they're teetering on the edge though. "Please stay with me, Jane," she practically begs.
"Maura… Maura, I…" and it's over, Maura knows it. As Jane untangles herself from Maura and pushes away she tells her, "I'm sorry, Maura. I can't." Her breathing is labored, her eyes wide with fear and recognition of what just happened between them.
"Why?" Maura asks, feeling her heart break all over again. She reaches for Jane, but the brunette steps away.
Jane looks guilty and apologetic, confused and upset. "I'm going on a date tomorrow," she tells her. She won't even meet her eye when she says it.
Maura feels like she just got punched in the stomach. "What?" she asks. She doesn't even know if it was audible.
"Giovanni… he asked. And… and I said yes, okay? That's why I was trying to set you up with Maggie; I didn't want you to be alone."
"I wouldn't be alone if I was with you!" Maura protests. She feels another tear slip down her cheek. This isn't how this was supposed to go. Jane was supposed to admit her feelings and they were supposed to be together. They were supposed to be happy.
"You're friendship is too important to me, Maura!" Jane exclaims, frustrated and upset. "We can't get into this with each other, it's just gonna end in shit. Everything always does!"
"You can't possibly know that!"
"But I do. Maura, I can feel it, okay? I'm no good for you; I'm just gonna fuck you up. I love you and I can't… I can't do that to you, okay? You're too damn important!" Jane exclaims.
"How do you love me?" Maura asks, her voice barely audible as it shakes.
"What?"
"You know what I mean," Maura tells her, not backing down. "Jane… how do you love me?"
It's torture waiting for an answer. It's like all the air got sucked out of the room and they're spinning down this black hole and neither of them can stop it. They look at each other for a long time.
"I'm sorry, Maura," Jane says finally, stepping away from her to open the bathroom door. Maura feels her throat tighten; her chest constrict.
"Jane, please…" she pleads.
But Jane doesn't even give spare her another look as she walks out of the bathroom. Maura doesn't have to see Jane run to know she's running from her, from this, from everything. It breaks her heart and tears her up inside. They could have something so good but instead Jane can't deal and her fight or flight instinct takes over. She chose the one that she thinks will protect Maura, but all it's doing is killing her inside. Maura doesn't think she's ever seen Jane run from anything, and yet that's what she did; she chose flight.
Maura wishes more than anything that Jane would fight for her though, because out of the two of them, Jane has always been the strongest.
TBC…