GOD SAVE THE ESTEEM
Ep 6: Model Students

English class always provoked thought. In this case, the thought was "how dumb is Mr O'Neill if he's asking Brittany a question about Thoreau's Walden?". The answer, it turned out, was "very dumb".

"He wasn't on Walden Pond because he hated the world. He was just mad at Jane Fonda. You know, he was her father in real life, too."

"I read that book and thought Thoreau had the wrong idea," Daria said to Jane quietly. "He should've stayed at home with the creature comforts and sent everyone else to the pond. That way, he gets all the good bits of being isolated and can still indulge in Sloth, Gluttony, and the other Seven Virtues."

"I dare you to say that to O'Neill. I double-dare you."

Before Daria could take Jane up on that, Principal Li burst into the room with fake enthusiasm all over her face.

"Good morning! I hope I'm not disrupting the learning process."

"Oh... no..." said O'Neill sadly.

"I've got some exciting information for you all. A team of talent scouts from Amazon Modelling Agency will be here this week as part of their national talent search, and the most promising Lawndale High student will receive a professional modelling contract. This is a great opportunity for you all, and the even greater good of Laaaawndale High."

Daria raised her hand. Li narrowed her eyes, as if expecting the hand to turn into a gun, and very quickly said "Oh well I see no one has any questions so I'll just mosey along-"

"Isn't modelling about dropping out of school to pursue a career based solely on your youth and your looks, both of which are inevitably declared over by age twenty-five?"

"And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless while the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell?" chimed in Jane.

Li walked out fast, but she could be seen muttering darkly to the neck of her blouse. She was muttering something about "troublemakers, Code Orange".

"And now the entire security apparatus of Ingsoc will be focused on us," said Daria.

"We should look at it as a teaser of what it's like to be a model. I'm going to vomit up breakfast after class to really get into the spirit."

After class, the two girls found themselves immediately cornered by every security guard in the school. Daria gave them a short wave.

"Hey Steve. Is that a laser sight on the taser?"

"Yes it is," the guard said proudly.

"Are we going to Li's office, or are we skipping the trial and heading right to the burial pit?"

"If we get to choose, I take the pit," said Jane.

Li's office was dark, dank, and filled with the psychic smell of paranoia and greed. The wall of monitor screens showed every camera feed in Lawndale (including, Daria was disturbed to realise, a camera filming a camera). Li stared them down, hunched over like she was prepared to hide behind her desk at any moment.

"The Amazon Modelling visit is of great importance to the school," she said. "We are receiving a fee that will finally get us those bullet-proof skylights for the swimming pool."

"You watched Red Dawn as a kid, didn't you?" asked Daria.

Li ignored her. "As a result, I cannot allow the visit to be disrupted by... by disruptors! For the order and well-being of the school, I am... requesting you two stay home for the rest of the week."

"You're suspending us on the basis we might misbehave?"

"Of course not, of course not! I just think everyone would be better off if, instead of going to school, you did not because of the potential of disruption."

"My head hurts," said Jane.

"My mother's a lawyer," said Daria.

"Ms Morgendorffer, are you threatening me?"

"Of course not, of course not. I just think it would be beneficial if, having said what you have said, I brought up that I am related to a lawyer, so we could avoid the potential of rule breaking. Cough, cough, nudge, wink."

"Alright, Ms Morgendorffer – but one act, just one-!"

"Please, Ms Li. We are capable of not being sarcastic to people."

"You must be the representatives from the Amazon Modelling Agency."

"Well, I would hope so," said the man who was camper than a row of tents, and wearing the tightest haute couture shirt & trousers that his circulatory system would allow. "We're a little long in the tooth to be attending high school."

"Speak for yourself, grandpa-pa!" cackled the plastic surgeried woman with the somewhere-in-European accent and the hideously expensive dress, as she slapped Camp Man on the back.

They both laughed.

I'm not going to make it, thought Daria.

The representatives began to butter up Mrs Bennett and Camp Man even asked her to "Show off those gams, girlfriend!". Then they asked Brittany to do a "runway, sweetie!" and not-so-secretly the man used his hands to indicate the size of her breasts.

Hold it in, Daria. Hold it IN.

"Now, who else in this room is a potential superstar du fashion? You!" The woman turned to Jane. "You have a very interesting look! Have you ever considered the achingly glamorous life of a model?"

Jane, looking as terrified as Daria felt, said "not... not really".

Move on from Jane, PLEASE move on from Jane, I can't let that pass without comment if you go for Jane.

"And you, dear heart!" The vultures had turned onto Tom. "Such boyish good looks and that sense of confidence! Oh, young man-"

"I can't be a model," said Tom apologetically. "I've got too much dignity."

Oh god. I have to top that. I HAVE TO TOP THAT. Don't talk to me, don't talk to me—

The man turned to her. "Oh, look at you. So waif-like... so pouty. Could you remove your glasses?"

"I can't take my glasses off. I need them to see scam artists."

Damn it.

Quinn had seen Daria being 'escorted' out of school and managed to find out why from that… that nob in her class, Tim was it? Anyway, that shit was not on. Her sis was trying to keep it real and the Fascists were Fascistising her. You did not let that stand.

She was trying to work out a suitable revenge when Claude and Rrrrrrromanica came to her class looking for potential models.

"Oh, now that is striking! Such visceral force… my dear, could you give us a little twirl?"

Quinn gave an innocent, sunshiny smile. "Sure!"

Ha ha, sow the whirlwind!

"...so then Ms. Li admits they're doing this to pay for new bullet-proof skylights. The whole thing's enough to turn your stomach. Which I guess is good if you want to be a model; eases the transition to bulimia."

Helen finished her bottle of Jack Daniels and smashed it on the table. "That slag, I'm going to have her! Oh, I'm getting legal on her ass and the superintendent of schools, it's letters and phone calls this time-"

"You're calling them after drinking that?"

"Good point Daria, I need to get more tanked up!"

"Always glad to help," she sighed, not bothering to look as her mother ripped (literally) a cupboard door off to get more drink.

"Your principal has a car, right?" asked Jake. "Wanna borrow my keys for plausible deniability?"

"No, I think I'll let this be dealt with legally instead of with immoral petty violence."

"Oh, Daria." He sounded really upset. "This has emotionally crushed you!"

"Have I been living with a different family for the past sixteen years?"

"No, you never went out enough times for that."

She smiled. "Nice comeback."

"Thanks! What comeback?"

Normally, Daria would be bored at school. Now, she got to be bored at home for the foreseeable future. It would be an interesting new experience, vegging out in front of midday television while her mother roared legal threats and normal threats down the phone.

As it turned out, the TV was being used by Erin's fiancé Brian.

"Ah. The Pigskin Channel," said Daria. "Twenty four hours of games you know the result for already."

"I never knew this channel existed before!" said Brian, sounding like he'd had a religious experience. "I just pressed the wrong button one day and bam!"

"How's the real estate revision going?"

He paused for a second. "Just taking a break. Man has to take breaks, Daria, gotta get himself a brewski and a bit of the ol' action-"

"You only needed the first sentence. Saying more makes it sound like you're covering your ass."

"No, no, I'm just being friendly, that's all, we're gonna be family soon and everything-"

"What's net leasing?"

Silence.

"What's leasing?"

More silence.

Finally, Brian asked: "You want the TV to yourself, that it?"

"Have you actually done any studying at all or are you hoping that the information will magically appear in your brain if you think about it long enough?"

He was angry about that, clearly and visibly angry, but he also wouldn't look at her. "I don't need to be lectured to by a girl."

That was more of an answer than if he'd actually answered.

Quinn came in, smiling like the cat that got the dairy farm.

"Mum! Dad! Guess what? I've just blagged my way into a really exclusive modelling class! If Romonica phones about it, act like squares, okay? I'm totally gonna trash the place!"

"Good for you, Quinn!" said Jake cheerily. "Way to help your sister!"

"Yeah, thanks," said Daria, and she really did feel thankful. It was nice to know your sister had your back.

Thanks to conference calling, Daria could hang out with Jane and Tom without ever needing to leave the comfort of her own room. It was like the Internet but without the need to correct spelling.

"Mum's going to force the school to let us back in, though I can ask her not to work on your behalf if you've started a project."

"Thanks, but it's cool," said Jane. "I don't wanna miss Taco Day at the cafeteria."

"Tom, I've got a task for you-"

"That's the most depressed come-on I've ever heard, but hey, I'm available."

Unseen, Daria blushed. "No, Tom-"

"I'm available too!" said Jane.

"You're available to anyone with surplus paint. Anyway, Tom: I need you to film the modelling classes and also pass on any dirt about the agency at school. I've decided this needs to get put up on Lawndale Leaks."

Daria had been quietly building up her wiki of Lawndale High's corruption and incompetence. So far, the site had gone unnoticed, but once it was she wanted as much incriminating data as possible. That would be Phase One…

"If I film it, there'll be interesting rumours about me."

"Be discreet. Failing that, sit near to Upchuck and then nobody will notice you. And come on, it's women showing off their bodies and ignoring their dignity on command: Upchuck will be there."

"Do you want two copies, one for you and one for Quinn?"

"If Quinn's gonna disrupt things, you're making me a damn copy too," said a gleeful Jane.

"Go for it. Now, aside from the Leaks, I now just need to keep myself from being bored…"

Erin had come home late, as if she was trying to avoid the family except at mealtimes. Which she probably was. Despite that, she was cheery and sociable during dinner, and talked a bit about the hard work she was doing at Landon Enterprises.

Brian's response to that was to go "she's good at her little Sales job, isn't she?" and then regale everyone with how hard he'd been studying. It had been a titanic struggle, full of large words and much comprehension.

"I can't wait until you've passed," said Erin. "It'll be such a relief knowing you'll be the head of our future household!"

And she really did seem to mean that.

Daria didn't think much of Erin and this wasn't encouraging her to start. But objectively, Erin was what you would term "nice" and "pleasant". Brian, objectively, was what Oxford professors would term "taking the mickey".

After dinner, Daria quietly shadowed Brian to the bathroom (attack when the enemy are distracted) and, before he could go in, spoke in a quiet and unemotional manner.

And what she spoke was: "I'm going to tell Erin what a good job you've been doing of keeping our sofa warm."

Brian was quiet for a long time. "How much?" he finally said.

"Sorry, you don't get the easy out. I'll tell her once I'm back at school. There's only one way out for you, and that's if, between now and then, you do some really intensive studying and convince me you're going to take the exam soon."

He looked at her, aghast. "But how do I do it?"

"Ah. Well, you're in luck. I've got a lot of free time and if there's one thing I know, it's how to study."

The terror started at 6 AM, when Brian awoke to find: a) an iPod was in his ears and b) it was blaring a very loud song about the chances of anything coming from Mars.

"The chances are a million to one, he said," said a half-asleep Daria, sitting over his bed like a very bored incubus. "Much like you being up early. But still, they come."

"But you're never up this early-"

"We're all making sacrifices today. Breakfast isn't for another hour and you're going to sit there being hungry unless you can get the following questions right…"

He finally got them right three minutes before breakfast. Daria, taking pity on him, decided not to take his coffee away unless he answered some more.

"How did you find my porn stash?"

"Effort," replied Daria. "For every ten minutes you revise over the next four hours, I'll return one magazine and DVD and give you five minutes with them."

"You're bluffing."

"I've got talking book versions of Under The Dome, Bleak House, The Road To Wigan Pier… I could go for twenty four hours."

She sat down and stared him down. Numbly, Brian turned to his books.

It had seemed like it would be such a good day for Stacy. She was going to an exclusive modelling class. She had Potential. The whole Fashion Club was going and could talk about nothing else, and she hadn't needed to apologise for anything all day as a result. It was going to rock.

Once on stage, however, she saw Elsie and Sandi put on their Kill The Enemy faces, and realised the downside: they couldn't all get the modelling contract. Elsie and Sandi knew that, and in their minds each one would feel they had to defeat the other, HAD TO. It would be brutal, and if Stacy was in the way or seen as a challenge or was just nearby when the loser was angry…

And then, worse, "Killer" Quinn turned up. Stacy looked in horror as she arrived, which was the wrong move as it caused Quinn to jump at her going "BOOGA BOOGA!".

"eeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Pussy," condemned Quinn before moving on.

Two weeks ago, Stacy had needed to disguise herself as a punk to escape Quinn, only to run into her – and get dragged along with the Maleficent Eleven, who thought she was some other girl called Stacy. She didn't manage to get home until 3AM and by that point the police had been called in. Hours of being terrified Quinn's gang would work out Stacy was, well, Stacy; and then being terrified because she was with the gang.

She'd hoped to avoid Quinn after that but now she was here. Crap.

"All right, ladies," said Romonica, surveying them; "your worst enemy is at the end of the catwalk. The one who stole your boyfriend. She has fallen and broken her leg. Your job is to tell her, without words, that you've come to watch them cut it off."

Stacy took up her position behind Sandi, and put on her best look of contempt. (Sandi would win this round, she knew) It didn't work very well, her nerves were shot and that made her think of how messy a leg being cut off would be and ewwwwww…

"Very good, Elsie, you truly seem to be savouring another's misfortune!"

"Of course."

Stacy realised, too late, Elsie had just beaten Sandi at something and she was in Sandi's line of sight and oh damn damn damn.

"Gee, Stay-cee, that was an… interesting idea of what Romonica had asked for. But then, if you don't want the contract after all-"

"PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB!"

Everyone turned at the sound of flatulence-like raspberries. There was Quinn, at the end of the catwalk, flipping off the 'enemy' and giving her a good razzing. Then she pointed and made silent laughs, before waving her butt in the 'enemy's' face.

"I don't think I did that right," she announced. "I think I was too polite."

Silence reigned.

"Nnnnnooooooo, that was…. That was an interesting idea, Quinn," said Claude. He shook his head to recover and said, "Now, girls, you're little kittens in an animal shelter. You have to look sad and helpless so someone will adopt you, or else it's kitty heaven."

"How do we know it's not kitty hell? Can I be kitty hell? I've been a really baaaaad kitty…"

Quinn was trying to pose seductively, or at least Stacy thought that was what she was trying. Should she be doing that? She wasn't sure.

"Such a bad, bad, wicked kitty – I need punishing…"

She noticed Elsie Sloane wasn't doing that – which, she guessed, was why Sandi did start.

"Oh, yes, I have been a particularly naughty kitty, what with the… naughtiness, yes…"

"WELL!" snarled Elsie, thrusting herself out. "I've been going to third base with other kitten's boyfriends when those kittens were supposed to be friends of mine, because that's how I roll and I can roll you, big boy!"

"You've what, El-see?"

"I don't mean I really have."

Stacy was the only one looking at Claude and Romonica, so she got the idea that this was not quite what they'd had in mind. They started to speak, but boys from class were in the audience and they'd just started cheering very loudly – especially Kevin, before Brittany elbowed him in the guts – and control had been lost.

She had no idea what to do – so, as always in these situations, Stacy went with her fallback plan.

She hyperventilated.

Angela Li and Helen Morgendorffer may have been walking down a corridor, but they kept their eyes fixed on each other, as if they expected the other woman to attack if their guard was dropped for a brief second. 'Foggy' Murdoch, the school's lawyer, knew he shouldn't be trailing behind, it made conversation with Morgendorffer difficult, but he was scared he'd catch on fire if he stepped between their glares.

"If we are going to settle this case, we should really be in the office," he said, knowing it was futile. "There's paperwork we need to look at-"

"Oh no no no, Mrs Morgendorffer is going to see the class!" snarled Li. "This is going on record for the case: the class doing its thing, students of Laaaawndale High achieving their potential, and nothing bad happening like her troublemaking hellspawn-"

"I'd advise against such language in front of-"

"-insinuated would happen! She's going to see wholesomeness and she'll eat it! Eat it, I say!"

The three of them walked onto the auditorium stage.

After five seconds, Foggy turned to Morgendorffer and said: "What will you accept as an out-of-court settlement?"

Brian was jogging around the back garden, while Daria (who had decided to also jog but quickly changed her mind) stood barking out: "You are tough and you are mean!"

"DANIELSON'S A REAL ESTATING MACHINE!"

"All you do is study and learn!"

"QUALIFICATIONS, FOR I YEARN!"

"Sound OFF!"

"ONE – TWO!"

Then she asked the most complicated question she could find in his textbook. In tune.

And he answered it.

"Brian, you're making progress."

Helen was in a very happy mood when she came in.

"Daria, you and Jane are back in school, it's scrubbed off your record, and we get some money out of it! Ha ha, they fought the lawyer and the lawyer won!"

"Your victory wouldn't have anything to do with Quinn, would it?"

"It would be against professional ethics to have knowingly used that. But if Li wants to prove a point by showing off the class, well, ethics don't say I have to decline, do they?"

"Everything I knew about ethics, I learnt from my mother. That'll be my defence during the trial."

Amazon Modelling wouldn't be coming back to school. Li had been very, very specific about that when she'd yelled at them. Something about ruining something for her.

That depressed Stacy. First off, she'd wanted to win that contract. Secondly, both Sandi and Elsie were angry and she knew what that meant.

"What is that supposed to be, Stacy, blush? Not the way you're using it – come on, you'll show us up!"

"Yes, Stacy dear, if you're going to use it, then use it properly. We don't want our enemies being given an opening."

"Whhhyyyy would yooouuuu have enemiiiieeeees, Saaaandi?"

Out of the corner of Stacy's eye, she saw Quinn being high-fived by her gang. She remembered nobody had turned on anyone there, they'd focused their nastiness at outside targets.

That had been nice.

"We do expect an answer, Stay-cee…"

"Daria! A capitalist pig-dog's here to see you!"

Jake was saying that in a happy-go-lucky voice, so Daria assumed Tom had come round. It turned out he had, holding a CD case and looking slightly bemused by the sight of her dad. And since he'd decided that day to try tribal face paint and he'd used Helen's lipstick for it, Daria didn't blame him.

"Hey. Is that the video?"

"Yeah, one for you and one for Quinn – I already dropped off Jane's. Quinn is… I can't actually think of a polite way to describe it."

"That's my girl!" said Jake happily. "Anyway, I'll leave you two alone – Daria, you tell me if he tries to sell you toxic loans and I'll sort him out, okay?"

Tom watched him go. "Your dad's a character but I don't know what in."

"So Quinn did something lewd then?"

"Oh yeah, they were all doing it, right in front of me. It was a terrible mission you sent me on, truly."

"Pity it got cancelled before they asked for volunteers from the audience. Your money would have been a siren call for them, one not even your fashion sense could stop."

"Ah, doubt any of them would be my type. I like girls who have the same misanthropic sense of humour I do, like Jane and…. Um."

"Um?" Daria looked at him, curiously, then her eyes widened as he figured it out. "Um."

"I should probably… er…"

"Yeah."

"Bye."

Daria's brain repeated um over and over, like a car alarm going off in the night.

"So, going back to school tomorrow," said Brian, trying not to sound overjoyed (he was failing). "Today's the only study day then."

"Yep."

"I don't need to do this again."

"Yep."

"Oh come on! You can't make me!"

"You're right. But that's not what I meant. I may be unaware of something in the Macho Manly Men Handbook, but – correct me if I'm wrong – when a man makes a big deal about how he should be the breadwinner, he's supposed to actually try and be the breadwinner, right? Lazing around and not studying while Erin does all the work seems not very manly at all, more like… hmmm. What is the word for 'opposite of manly'?"

"You're only sixteen!" he spat. "Who are you to judge me?"

"I'm someone who doesn't suck like a singularity."

"What does that mean?"

"It might say in your textbook. Only one way to find out, eh?"

The silence was filled with words that weren't being said. Angry ones, ones with hate and contempt in every syllable.

"You know, I don't have the time to keep tabs on you, Brian. I have a website to keep up with, homework to run through, an abortive social life that scratches at its cage and wants more daylight… If you want to do nothing, you can go ahead and do nothing. But over the last few days I've had to count on my friends and family. You're the one who proposed to Erin: do you intend to be someone she can count on?"

Daria walked out after that. Further conversation might undermine the guilt trip she'd just dumped on his head, and she wanted the guilt and insult to his masculinity to churn inside until it made him actually do his damn work. If it didn't, well, she'd have to rethink her strategy.

Erin was family, and that meant she could count on Daria.

The Zon was particularly loud tonight, as the Maleficent Eleven had conned their way into getting beer so they could celebrate Quinn's victory. They'd already started to get hammered when they saw Stacy had entered, looking a bit nervous.

"Hey Stacy!" called out Quinn. "Haven't seen you since the Mall, where you been? Come join us, always room to destroy more livers, eh?"

Stacy smiled. "Sure."

THE END