He was angry at her. He knows he shouldn't be rationally but he was. He was angry at his cousin. Furious. Because maybe his ex's claims weren't completely off. Does he have feelings for her? No - but why is he angry at Rey? Why isn't he angry at himself or Julianne?
She had nothing to do with this but why does it feel like she did? He wonders during family night. He had missed family night three times in a row since his breakup. His family didn't mind, they understood he needed some time. Here he was, in the background as his family laughed with one another about something as they played cards. He can barely focus on what he had in his hand, his eyes were transfixed by her.
"Kylo," she says his name.
And that pulls him out from the trance she has him in. "Yes?"
"It's your turn."
"Oh." He immediately placed down whatever cards that seemed to match.
"Are you alright?"
He blinked. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
He doesn't look at her this time. Instead he focused on what was in his hand. He quickly took out another matching card. "Yeah."
Maybe it's some Freudian shit. Because the more he sees her now, the more it's hard to keep himself from staring. Maybe it's because being away from her so long has got him all messed up in the head. For fuck's sake he was there on the night she was born. He got to hold her too even though he was seven years old or so. He remembers it, remembers being that age and the feelings he was experiencing - feelings of awe and fascination at the bundle of life. He touched her several times when she was still in his Aunt's belly. He was too young to comprehend how Rey got there but he knew she was something special. He remembers the child him being very excited to have a cousin and kept asking his aunt and uncle when she'll come out.
These feelings he has for her now don't make sense. For fuck's sake he just got out of a relationship. Why is he feeling something for his cousin out of all people? Maybe it's because he's in the rebound phase or something and desperate for someone to fuck. He hates it - what his ex had said. Ever since Julianne said he had feelings for Rey, it opened some Pandora's box and shit. He was doing just fine before his ex became insecure.
Every Friday is family night. And with every new Friday he dreads going more and more. He dreads seeing her - being next to her - inhaling her shampoo. He tries to look away when she laughs and smiles but it's hard not to, her eyes are bright and her smile is warm. Rey, that's why she's called Rey. It's hard not to look at her, to be in awe in the light she gave.
Sometimes his gaze wonders below her face. He tries to stop himself by recalling a memory of their childhood together - like how he would always carry her around and pull her in her wagon. But those memories turn dark quickly for he remembers how they used to cuddle with one another. She was a kid then - hell he was a kid too it was acceptable for them to do that. They used to cuddle on the couch watching whatever movie his mom put on while she did her work. And they used to cuddle a lot especially during the winter when it was cold. He misses that, misses when they were able to do that. They're way too old for it be acceptable.
Kylo froze.
Was...was that the reason why he hated cuddling so much? Because he connected it to Rey? And that it made him feel sad because he left?
"Kylo, are you okay?" Rey asked, touching his knee.
He flinched automatically. "Don't touch me," his tone was hard.
"Sorry - you blanked out -
"I'm going out for a smoke," he mumbled.
Nights are hard for him to sleep now. Every night he's plagued with memories of cuddling with her that he's starting to miss it. Crave it. Now and then he wonders even in the middle of the day how it would be like to cuddle with her now. Years had passed - but would it feel the same? Would it be innocent still? Or would it make him want more?
There's no way he could get turned on by her. She's so small and flat in both departments. But maybe that turns him though that she's so small. As a kid, he didn't mind having a cousin that wasn't his age. He was actually pleased in having a little cousin to look after and look up to him. As an adult, her size really turned him on. He can overpower her - can make her come so easily -
No these thoughts shouldn't exist.
This was becoming dangerous.
Slowly he stopped being around again.
Maybe it would be better if he had never come back.
It isn't until his mom's birthday that he does come back. He had been purposely away for a few months but makes today an exception. He had missed his mom's birthday for the last seven years, he couldn't miss another year. He gets her a matching sweater set and her favorite flowers.
Naturally Rey is there.
Of course she would be, she's family.
He avoids her. Makes sure there's no empty time slots for her to speak to him. He does this by keeping busy with his phone or starting a conversation with mom.
But he underestimates how persistent she is. It isn't until he goes outside for a cigarette is where he's left cornered.
"You've been avoiding me," she says slowly.
He proceeded to light his cigarette. He shrugged. "I've been busy."
"Have I done something wrong?"
He ignored her and smoked his cigarette.
She pursed her lips. He pretends he's not looking at her but he is, from the corner of his eyes. It's hard to look away.
"You missed my birthday," she says then.
He exhaled, puffing out smoke to her face. "I don't know why you're bringing that up since it's my mom's birthday today," he said coldly.
"Have I've done something wrong?" she asks again, fanning the smoke away from her.
He doesn't answer.
"You broke my heart that night," she whispered, recalling the emotions he caused. "You just stood there. Without saying a word."
Kylo swallowed hard. "You know I was trying to protect you from this." He latches on to her hand. He should have been crueler. Should have. And then she wouldn't be in the mess he made.
"I was so confused before this happened. You kept pushing me away. You were angry. Moody around me. Without any explanation. I spent months wondering what I did wrong for you to be that way."
He frowned and stroked her hair. He hated when she brought up the times he had hurt her. And he hurt her many times. "Rey -
"I'm not hurt anymore," she assured him. "I just want to let you know what I was feeling. I kept blaming myself. I thought you hated me. That time, it felt like you were gone again, except it was worse. You were gone but your body was still here."
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I shut people out. Especially you. I care about you the most." He pulls her closer to him on the bed.
"I used to leave you a voice message every single day when you were gone. You never responded but I kept hoping you would answer and come back home."
"I know."
Rey felt as if he had stabbed her in the back. "You knew? Why didn't you ever respond to me?"
"I found out when I came back home. I left my phone at home when I ran away, Rey. I was afraid my parents would have used it as a way to track me so I left it. I'm surprised they didn't find it in my hiding spot."
"Where did you keep your phone?"
"Underneath the floorboards of my room. I got my phone on that night of mom's birthday." Kylo couldn't help but chuckle. "When I turned my phone on, it was swamped with nothing but your voice messages." And his parents too but that's not the point. "I had to buy a charger from Ebay in order to listen to all your messages."
"You listened to all of them?"
He nodded. "Every single night until I reached to the last message. It took me a few weeks to go through them." Those voice mails were comforting. To hear her voice - to hear her grow and change - was a blessing. They were time capsules of all the years he had missed with her. Those voice messages preserved her as she was but they were also a curse. Torture. It brought him pain to listen to them - they constantly reminded him of how much he had been away and all the times he had failed to protect her. In all the messages, her voice was fragile and she sounded so terrified. Every message she wished he was okay and begged for him to return home. It was also strange to hear her call him by his first name. It felt as if she was talking to someone who was dead. And maybe that wasn't too far off. Ben Solo was dead. "But I calculated them," he said, refuting her claim of leaving him a message every single day that he was gone. "You stopped calling me when you were twelve."
Was he hurt that she stopped sending him messages? Rey couldn't help but to be surprised. "I got older. I figured you weren't going to come back."
He couldn't help but to frown. She had given up on him years ago. "Was that when you grew up?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean." Grow up. As in lost your faith. Your child innocence. Grow up and becoming focused on being another adult in the household.
She thought about it. "I guess that is." She was in middle school then and had just gotten her period, she had to grow up. It was a wake up call. She had to let go of him and learn how to take care of herself and her dad.
And that kills him. What if he had come back earlier? How would things change? Would he have feelings for her? Or would things be the same like when they were kids? They'll never know the answer because that's in the past. They can't change what had happened.
"Did you miss me?" she asked.
"I missed you every single day," he breathes. Vows.
And that was enough. They rarely said 'I love you' to each other. To them, those words didn't have much meaning compared to missing someone. The word 'love' was unconditional while the word 'missing' was sadness from absence. Their love was unconditional but the years of missing one another had made it into something else.
Stronger.
They were more than in love.
They were linked.
She kisses him then. "I've missed you."
"I've missed you too."
And that was enough.