A/N: Oh my goshity gosh gosh, hello my reader-ies! *exited squeal* The reason I'm exiting is because I'm getting out of range of that immature story Schemes of Red (YOU'RE MISSING THE BEST WORD!) and INTO range of my wonderful chapter that will actually be good, unlike that messy piece of IDIOT. I just want to grab its behind and shove it down someone's chimney and be like, "Here! Have this DUMB STORY." Actually, it'll be French Bob's chimney. MERRY FRENCH CHRISTMAS!
Schemes of ROMANCE Red
Chapter Six: Golden Fail
By Rudy Clone (The Love Doctor)
Rudy ran toward the Globe Theater, hoping that he would instantly know where to go to find the lover's cave. Of course, he was sure that he COULD find it, because his love for Penny would surely lead him there, so he was quite excited.
When he got there, there was a stupid frog who refused to let him in. "I refuse to let you in!" he shouted. Rudy's face twitched until the frog thought he might have been being electrocuted, so he hopped off his perch and checked to see if someone was tasering Rudy, but nobody was. The frog was confused and returned to his perch. "What's with the—"
"SHUT UP I HAVE TO CONFESS!" he yelled and immediately tied up the frog with a black wig. The hair began to get between his toes and it tickled him so much that he started to bleed green goo. Rudy ignored him because he wasn't in love and rushed inside. He began frantically looking around for the lover's meeting place. He had to know where it was so that when Penny came inside, he could take her there and they could...they could...
He couldn't think about it without blushing and then tearing up. It was so emotional that he thought he might have to vent all his emotion out on a piece of paper, drawing beautiful drawings of Penny as princess of the wildebeest, and scribbling tonnes of hateful remarks about Mrs Sanchez and how she would never let Penny do such a thing. Instead she would want her to stay home and talk to someone ELSE on the phone...
Rudy began to get jealous. His face blushed hard with jealousy and anger and his crush for Penny and his hate for Snap and his hunger for marinated rhino tails. Suddenly he wondered if they served them at the Globe Theater bar. But then he remembered his jealously and searched the room until he found...some scissors. He grinned maliciously darkly slightly.
Sanctus Espiritus redeem us from our solemn hour
Sanctus Espiritus insanity is all around us
Meanwhile, Penny and Snap and Aer (now that she's in love, I might as well mention her), who had a crush on Snap (I have NO idea why. Trust me I think she's crazy!1), followed SLOWLY because Snap and Aer weren't good enough to keep up with Rudy. But Penny had an excuse because Rudy was in love with her. When they got to the Globe Theater FINALLY, they looked at a frog, who was in a bubble of green goo.
She looked with her pupil-less eyes and swiped a finger on the goo, then shoved it into her mouth. Aer and Snap thought it was normal. "Suspicious green substance..." Penny muttered urgently. "Rudy must be near!"
They raced inside and saw...
Sanctus Espiritus! Sanctus Espiritus! Sanctus Espiritus!
Thousands and hundreds and millions of pictures of phones that Rudy cut from magazines were stuck all across the walls, with giant BLOOD-coloured letters saying "Mrs Sanchez is a BIRCH!1!1hateblush!1!" on one wall.
He stopped in his cutting frenzy and looked at them. Snap and Aer had their mouths open like RUDE idiots, and Penny was staring blankly. Rudy thought she looked beautiful. "P-Penny," he said nervously, hoping she wouldn't take a fence. Or a brick wall. "I was just redecorating."
Penny only looked at him with this face:
and said, "It's great decorating." Then she did a long blink but nobody could tell because she doesn't have eyes.
"Ok, let's go!" Rudy said and they followed him down a random hall. He was sweating with nervousness. He was shaking with nervousness. He was sweating with sweat. He was then disgusted because he hated sweat, but then he grinned. "Hey Snap...do you want a hug?"
In my darkest hours I could not foresee
That the tide could turn so fast to this degree
Can't believe my eyes
Snap beamed and widened his eyes a wide as they could go. "A...a hug?" he wondered wondrously, his mouth opening with happiness. Out of everything in the world, he had only ever wanted Rudy's compassion and his understanding. Amongst all the ice cream he denied him, Snap knew that Rudy somehow...and somewhere had kindness. Rudy was his best friend in the world, and he wanted to share special things with him like hugs. He had seen people do it before but...never knew what it was like.
But anyway, after Snap felt all that dumb friendship crap, Rudy said, "Yes...a hug." He began to walk towards him and opened his arms, grinning slightly darkly. "Do you want one?"
Snap nearly shed a tear of joy. He was so happy...he was in such a heightened moment of blissfulness that he thought he might have got a collapsed heart. He walked toward Rudy and nearly burst into tears of elation as he shouted,
"NO!" Then he reverted back to Normal Snap Mode.
How can you be so blind?
Is the heart of stone, no empathy inside?
Time keeps on slipping away and we haven't learned
So in the end now what have we gained?
Rudy slightly snapped his fingers. He thought for a moment that he could have dissolved him a little bit and it would be painful like he deserved.
Snap called Penny something rude and Penny fainted from the overdose of rudeness. She put her hand dramatically to her face and fell very, very slowly, and opened her one of her eyes as she fell to make sure Rudy had noticed and had rushed to her side. But he was too busy being annoyed at himself for missing his chance to dissolve Snap, so she stopped falling and when he looked, she resumed her falling with loud, dramatic cries of woe.
Rudy rushed to her side and caught her delicately. "Penny!" he shouted woedly and in denial, shaking his head as if he was saying no to Snap after he asked for ice cream. Then he cried because Snap entered his mind and interrupted his precious moment with Penny AGAIN. He glared at Snap but then regretted it because he had fed Snap's insatiable desire to break him and Penny apart.
Rudy's eyes glazed over with worry. He didn't want to lose Penny...not after nearly losing her when he used her in a pokémon battle against Seyu. She had fainted and been taken to a Pokémon Center, and thankfully she had been okay. He didn't know what he would do if she...if she never woke up! The thought sent him into spasms.
Sanctus Espiritus, redeem us from our solemn hour
Sanctus Espiritus, insanity is all around us
Sanctus Espiritus, is this what we deserve,
can we break free from chains of never-ending agony?
"Uhh...what are they doing?" Aer uttered to Snap, but Snap, being as RUDE and arrogant as he was, only sneered at her.
"Shut up, Aer."
Aer would have felt her heart crush at that very moment but...she still had a crush on Snap. She always would and she would never give it up because...it meant giving up her relevance to the story. She didn't particularly want to be out of the story yet, so she tried to salvage her crush as much as she could.
"Ok," she said.
"Penny," Rudy cried again, holding her up. "I'm...I'm slipping!" Suddenly he dropped her and she fell against the floor, waking her up.
"Why did you drop me?" she said angrily. "Rudy, you're so clumsy sometimes!"
Rudy only smiled at her. He loved it when she talked that way... "Come on," he said, "we have to find the lover's—uhh...I mean...the...bathrooms."
Penny's eyes grew twenty-nine tears. "RUDY, NO!" she yelled, and latched onto his side. Suddenly he got butterflies and felt like flying around like a balloon that had been popped.
"Yes...Penny?" he said lovingly and turned around, holding her hands and gazing lovingly slightly into her eyes.
"Just don't...send me to the bathrooms...ALONE," she pleaded, leaking tears. "I...I can't bear it again."
Are they themselves to blame, the misery, the pain?
Didn't we let go, allowed it, let it grow?
"It's ok Penny...it's ok," said Rudy. He patted her on the head and then started scratching her behind the ear. She loved it and started kicking her legs. Rudy threw her a bone and she raced after it and swallowed it whole. She walked back and nobody ever mentioned it again. Ever.
They kept walking in search of the lover's spot when suddenly Snap veered off into another room. "Snap!" Rudy yelled but he was gone into the room he veered off into through its door. He normally wouldn't have cared, but he needed Snap in case there were dangers in the lover's place and he needed bait. He was too precious to be the bait because there would be no point in trying to find a way to tell Penny about his feelings if he was dead. And he could NEVER send Penny into harm's way.
"Come here, you guys!" he shouted and for a minute, Rudy thought he might have found the place where lovers go. He felt a jolt of excitement course through him excitedly.
"Just leave him," Penny told him annoyedly, but even though Rudy knew that Penny and Snap hated each other, he said he had to follow him and apologised, and followed Snap.
"Ok," said Penny and followed him in. Spidge also ran in as well because I suddenly remembered her.
When Rudy came inside, he saw Rapsheeba. "Oh hi," he said and she said hi back. "Have you seen—" Then Penny showed up behind him and he didn't want to mention it in front of her. "...powdered grapes anywhere? At...at all?" he asked, annoyed that he couldn't say what he really wanted to. Snap only glared at him in his typical Snap-like, arrogant way.
"Rudy, it's RAPSHEEBA! She was missing, remember?" he growled arrogantly, but Rudy didn't listen to anything but his arrogance.
"SNAP! Can't you see that SOME people have bigger problems than stupid kidnappings?" he yelled, waving his arms about so much that he broke them. He lowered them so they wouldn't fly off. He swallowed his pain and his love for Penny overcame it and they healed. "Stop being selfish for ONCE!"
Snap narrowed his eyes. "No."
If we can't restrain the beast which dwells inside
it will find it's way somehow, somewhere in time
Will we remember all of the suffering
Cause if we fail it will be in vain
"Oh my gosh Rudy..." said Penny and she looked to him, horrified, as if he had just swallowed her earlobes. Suddenly she realised what Rudy had done back in the main hall thing. She was a useless damsel in distress and she was also dumb sometimes even though she was smart, and didn't realise what was right in front of her. She walked into the wall while trying to walk away, and then moved away from it and tried again. She had the same luck as before and it made her nose squish into her face. It inverted. "How could you!" she yelled at him and ran away.
"PENNY!" shouted Rudy dramatically, and he reached out for her and grabbed her hand. But then her arm broke and he cried because he hurt her. "I'm sorry, Penny... I just wanted a caramel latte."
"What?" Penny shouted, sick of him not making sense. She then continuously flicked the light switch on and off until everyone was bigly annoyed. "That's what you get!" she cried and ran away, her broken arm flopping uselessly behind her and smacking into walls she ran past. But she didn't care. The pain was nothing... NOTHING compared to the pain of being betrayed by the person you love...and she loved Rudy...
Sanctus Espiritus, redeem us from our solemn hour
Sanctus Espiritus, insanity is all around us
Sanctus Espiritus, is this what we deserve,
can we break free from chains of never-ending agony?
Penny made a fortress out of all the phone cut-outs on the wall...and went to sleep in a bed of her own tears.
fff
"Has Skrawl got the cliché book?" asked Dude sinisterly.
"Yes..." his minion, Minion Dude, said back as he continued sewing a lace coaster.
"Excellent..." Dude whispered evilly. "I hear that tracking down your true love and secret admirer is a cliché these days...that book will surely help me!" He chewed on some chalk that was still left over from when he licked it off the chalkboard the other day. He had kept a few grains in his teeth in case he wanted to eat them later. He did. He savoured them.
Then he saw a picture of a Beanie Boy.
"UGH," he side (original spelling HAHA!1) darkly. "They're so uuuuuuuglyyyyyyy! Do we REALLY have to hire them?"
"Yes..." groaned Minion Dude. "It's ok. They'll make good models for our summer issue." He held up a fashion magazine. "Your evil scheme to create clothes that aren't in fashion any more but sell them to people anyway...it's brilliant."
"Thank you..." chuckled Dude maliciously. "It's so...original, don't you think?"
"Yes, oh yes," said Minion Dude with three nods. "More so...than Bob himself."
They both laughed and drank gasoline.
fff
Rudy and Penny got back to the Real World and Rudy was in woed tears. Penny had forgotten all about what happened with Rudy, the phones and the thing he said about her mother, but he was worried that she would suddenly...leave him again.
Sanctus Espiritus, redeem us from our solemn hour
Sanctus Espiritus, insanity is all around us
Sanctus Espiritus, is this what we deserve,
can we break free from chains of never-ENDING AGONYYY?!
Suddenly Rudy's mother burst in and sung a number from her favourite opera. "Wasn't that beauuuuutiful?" she asked and Rudy face-palmed. She had ruined the moment.
"Yes, Mom..."
"Anywaaaaay, Penny, your mother wants you to call her. She told Rudy not to call though. Then she said something about not sleeping in the barn."
"Stupid Mrs. Sanchez..." mumbled Rudy Clone, and shook his fist at the floor.
Mrs. Tabootie had the floor executed for upsetting her son.
fff
When Skrawl arrived at Dude's house, Dude let him in and told him not to trust the strangers offering waffles. But Skrawl had already eaten some and he consequently spent an hour trying to get mini-Skrawls out of his ear. But they kept coming. Then he realised he had no ears. Then he was really, really confused.
"Do you want to go to Chalk Hawaii?" asked Dude curiously darkly, and Skrawl said no.
"I can't hula!"
"Sure you can!" Dude said maliciously happily and got up. He ordered that someone bring him a hula skirt, and he put it on, and then put one on Skrawl. Then he taught him to hula.
Sanctus Espiritus, redeem us from our SOLEMN HOUR!
Sanctus Espiritus, insanity is ALL AROUND UUS,
"I think I'm ready..." said Skrawl and Dude raised his head. "I'll give you the book if you teach me more about dancing. My clone is always busy organising parties and I want to know how to DANCE at one. I feel like I should give something back to him, you know? He's like a brother to me...but I hate him."
"You know who hates who?" asked Minion Dude from over somewhere else. "Penny and SNAP. They hate each other."
"EVERYONE knows THAT," Dude scoffed evilly and Skrawl scoffed evilly. They then had a scoff-off to see who could scoff the evilest, but they were interrupted when Minion Dude flipped through the book and told Skrawl to look at it. Skrawl looked at it and then Minion Dude put it away.
He stood up to say something special, but instead said, "I really like rhubarb pie."
Sanctus Espiritus, is this what we deserve,
can we break freeeeeeee from chains of never-ending agonyyy?
Skrawl thought it was so beautiful that he shed a tear.
fff
Then we found out Aer's working for Dude, trying to find his secret admirer but...nobody knew. She laughed so evilly and hardly that she slightly coughed up her lungs. They were, in fact, collapsed.
Then she remembered how pathetic she was in the presence of Rudy and Penny's love and she attached herself to a kite and flew away.
A/N: I couldn't think of a good ending so SHHHH! Anyway...OOH, Dude's secret admiiiiiirerrrrrrr! I wonder who that is...find out that and more, on Schemes of ROMANCE Red, the BETTER VERSION (haha see what I did there heheha) of Schemes of Red... That's the brain dead version. You can tell because it's not full of romance. And it makes sense.
Eew.
Sense.