Disclaimer:
I do not own any of the persons based on real people within this story. I do, however, own my OC's.
Author's Note:
Any and all mistakes are mine, and mine alone.
Chapter 6
My fingers fiddle with my charm bracelet as my leg bounces up and down uncontrollably and I continuously look between the time on the wall clock and the one on my phone.
How have I only been sat here a couple minutes?
I flatten my palms against my knees and push down in hopes of stopping the bouncing but it seems to just make it worse. I sigh and rub my hands over my face before they end up in my hair, pulling slightly.
I don't understand why I'm so nervous, it's not like I haven't been here before. I - kind of - know the person behind the door and they know me - or at least, they know what's in my file.
I shake my head to stop myself from falling down that thought trail, I know exactly what's in that file and I'd rather avoid it if I can.
I look back at the clock on the wall and then back to the one on my phone.
Another two minutes have passed.
Why did I get here so early?
It only means I'm stuck here waiting with nothing for company but the thoughts in my head. I should've told someone I was actually coming back; maybe Brooke or Seán would've come with me?
I shake my head again, no. Brooke has the girls to take care of, that's more important than keeping me company and Seán has too much to do with work.
"They're too busy for you!" Something sneers inside my head and I bring my knees up to my chest, resting the heels of my feet on the edge of the waiting chair. I wrap my arms around them and rest my forehead on my knees, my fingers instinctively finding my bracelet.
"Lies, if I needed them and asked, they'd help as much as they could." I find myself answering the voice out loud.
"Are you sure? I mean, who would realise if you just disappeared?"
"Seán would!" There's more force behind my words than necessarily needed considering I'm essentially talking to myself.
"Really? Where is he? It's been a week since you turned your phone back on and he's yet to come and see you like he said he would!"
"He's busy with work, it's not his fault!"
"You keep telling yourself that, but you and I know you don't really believe it."
"Shut up!" I can feel the panic welling in my chest and suddenly I want to run away. Leave this room and this building and lock myself back in my apartment.
"If you were really that important to him, he'd have-"
"Alayna?" I jump as I feel a hand on my shoulder, looking up at the kind face of my therapist. I probably look like a deer in headlights right now. She quickly retracts her hand from my shoulder, clearly remembering how much I value my personal space. "Sorry to scare you, I tried calling from the door but you didn't seem to hear me."
"Sorry," my voice is suddenly scratchy so I clear my throat before continuing. "I was stuck in my head." She smiles kindly, stepping back and my eyes immediately fall to the file she holds in her hand. The file containing everything she needs to know about me and my past.
"I could tell," She mentions, once again breaking me from my toxic thoughts. "Are you ready to come in?"
I nod my head and uncurl myself from the chair before standing up. I stretch myself out before following her into the room.
I walk down the street quickly, no particular direction in mind, the fresh air helping to calm my beating heart but does nothing else but make me feel cold. I swipe quickly at my cheek as I turn a corner.
I jog up a few steps and knock on the door and once again find myself bouncing nervously as I wait. I take a few deep breathes, trying to calm the tears but it doesn't help, they just seem to fall harder as a lump rises in my throat.
This is why I stopped going! I hate feeling like this afterwards.
The same numbness from a week ago is threatening to wash over my body but I fight it, the wind getting stronger and whipping around me, causing me to shiver from the cold.
The door finally opens as a sob breaks free and I see Seán's smiling face quickly turn into worry.
"Alayna, oh my god! What's wrong? What's happened?" I shake my head, more sobs building in my chest before I fall into his. He wraps his arms around me, guiding me backwards into the apartment enough to close his door and part of me can't help but notice that the coldness I was feeling is fading, fast.
He lets me cry into his chest for a good ten minutes, waiting for me to calm down a little before he pulls away and lifts my chin so he can look into my eyes.
"Hey, c'mon," He begins as I sniff loudly, reaching into my pocket for a tissue to wipe my cheeks and my nose. "Talk to me, please."
I stay silent for a few minutes, clearing my throat a few times in the silence. I know I'll have to come clean but I want to put it off for just a little longer.
"Can I have some tea first?" My voice is thick and quiet but he smiles at me sadly, I can tell by the look in his eyes he knows what I'm doing but he doesn't mind so much. "Please?"
"Of course, I'll go see if I still have some of those ones you like so much." He mentions, pressing a small kiss to my forehead before stepping back. "Get comfortable."
I stare at the paused TV screen feeling guilty, the voice from earlier having returned to tell me that I'm interrupting Seán.
"He's working. In the middle of a recording and you've pushed yourself in to interrupt with your pathetic problems, again!" I groan and let my head fall into my hands;I can hear Seán moving around the kitchen. I try to focus on the sounds he's making instead of the words in my head. "You just can't help being selfish, can you?"
"Shut up!" I smack my hand against my forehead in frustration and the voice seemingly shrinks back. The sound of a mug being placed on the coffee table startles me and I jump back, falling further into the couch.
"Sorry." he says quietly, looking me over in confusion. "Who're you speaking too?"
"No one."
"Sure, I believe you." he mentions sarcastically, taking a seat next to me on the couch. I move to a more comfortable position before playing with the charms on my bracelet, it's quiet for a moment and Seán takes the silent cue that this will take a while because he picks up the game controller and unpauses the screen.
That voice sneers at me from the back of my head.
"I shouldn't have come here, you're working." I say just to fill the silence between us and shut the voice up. I watch the screen instead of my companion and it pauses quickly after I've finished speaking.
"Don't be stupid, Alayna. You're always welcome here. And you're not interrupting, I'm not working, I'm just having some down time."
"See, I told you." I feel my eye twitch and I pick up the mug of tea and drinking from it to stop myself saying anything in reply to the voice.
"Oh."
"Yeah, I tried coming by yours about an hour ago now but your neighbour said you'd gone out." I can't help the internal smug grin as I once again feel the voice shrink back at being proved wrong.
"Yeah, I uh…" my finger trails around the opening of the mug and I don't look away from the screen. "I had an appointment."
"Is that what upset you?"
"Kind of."
"What do you mean, 'kind of'?"
I take another sip of the tea and sigh, bringing my free hand up to rub at my eyes. "I had an appointment with my therapist."
"Oh."
"Yeah, she feels that maybe I should try going to meet ups with people going through the same thing as me." I clear my throat, moving the subject from going to what was discussed and to something safer.
"And? Are you going to go?"
"I told her I'd think about it. But I don't think I will, I don't do well with new people." It's quiet between us for a while and I take the time to finish my tea. I put the cup down on the table and I feel myself yawn.
This day has just exhausted me, mentally and physically.
"Did you talk about-?"
"Don't." I cut off sharply before feeling guilty. I don't even know if he was going to ask if I'd talked about that.
"The way things went in America?" he continues anyway, his tone suggesting he's a little annoyed by my action.
"We touched on it, didn't really have the time to get into it properly." He nods his head, settling back on the couch with the controller.
It goes quiet again and instead of waiting, Seán goes back to playing his game. I watch the TV screen for a while, the silence between us is nice, neither of us feeling the need to fill it anymore. My eyes begin to droop and I lean my head on Seán's shoulder, it's not long before I feel myself drifting off to sleep.
The glow in the room is muted when I finally open my eyes and I notice that's its dark outside, the glow coming from the TV. I see feet perched on the coffee table in front of me and follow them up to the body I'm currently using as a pillow.
I shift slightly and yawn, rubbing my eyes as I sit up slowly.
"Hey." I jump a little and turn to face the person I was laying on top of. Seán smiles at me tiredly and I return it with a small one of my own.
"Hey."
"You feel any better?" I nod my head and push some hair behind my ear, noticing that he covered me with a blanket at some point.
"Yeah, sorry about snapping at you earlier."
"Don't worry about it. I understand why, I've made a few mistakes with my words over the past couple of days. Just, give me the benefit of the doubt, okay?"
"Okay." We both smile at each other, genuine happy ones this time and he sits up properly before pulling me into a hug.
I sink into his embrace, my eyes falling shut as I take a deep breath.
"I've missed you." I murmur quietly into his shoulder.
"I've missed you too." He finally pulls back a few minutes later and a part of me regrets letting him. "Anyway, it's late and I think we could both do with some sleep. You wanna crash here or should I call you a cab?"
I check my watch as I fight back tears from my yawn.
"Never mind, you can stay here. I'm sure I've got something you can use as pyjamas." He stands up and pulls me with him and turning off the TV.
I follow behind him and stand in the doorway of his bedroom, watching him route through his drawers.
"I'm surprised you want to go to bed so early." I joke as he hands me an old merch t-shirt and a pair of shorts.
"What can I say, I like to surprise you." he grins. I shake my head at him and turn to head down the hall to his bathroom to change. "I had to get rid of your toothbrush by the way, there's spares under the sink."
"Thank you!" I call back before shutting the door.
Once I finish changing and cleaning my teeth I head back down the hallway towards the light.
His bedroom door is still wide open, which is weird as he usually keeps it closed. I look in to see him surfing through the channels on the TV.
"Are you coming to bed, or what?" He questions, not even looking at me and my eyes widen and I stand up fully, stuttering over my reply.
"W-what? I thought I'd be sleeping on the couch?!" I don't know why I suddenly feel so much panic considering we've shared a bed countless times over our years of friendship.
"Don't be silly, Al. We've shared a bed before." It's like he's reading my mind. "Plus, the couch isn't all that conformable. Get in." He tells me, pulling the duvet back.
I step inside the room and quietly close the door before padding over to the bed. I suddenly stop and narrow my eyes at him.
"What?" He questions but I can see a hint of a smile on his face, so he knows what's coming.
"You're on my side of the bed."
"I think you'll find that as I own this bed, they're both my sides of the bed."
"You know what I mean, Seán."
"I do."
"Then move!"
"No."
"Seán, move." I demand, crossing my arms over my chest.
"No." He answers, mimicking my actions.
"You don't even like sleeping on that side of the bed."
"I know." My eyes narrow further before relaxing and I drop my arms, turning back to the door.
"Guess I'll go sleep on the couch then." Suddenly I hear the bed sheets rustling and I turn back, seeing he's moved to his side. I quickly sit down before he changes his mind. "That's what I thought!"
I grin happily as I sink down into the bedding. Seán throws the duvet over me quickly and I yelp at the sudden darkness before pulling it down and glaring playfully at him.
"Oops." He tries innocently but I shove him to which he responds by pulling me into another side hug.
All fight leaves me instantly and I relax into his arms. I shake my head to remove the weirdness from the situation and pull myself away, getting comfortable against the pillows.
"Goodnight, Seán." I say quietly, not looking at him.
"Goodnight, Alayna." He says back just as quietly before I hear the volume on the TV be turned on slightly. I turn over onto my side quickly and close my eyes, hoping for sleep to come quickly.
Author's Note:
Please, let me know what you think!