A/N: First, as always, thank you so much to the wonderful people reviewing!
Second, phew. I can't believe I actually finished this before the new episodes returned. Setting that goal for myself was completely ridiculous for me and yet here it is longer than expected. I wrote over a hundred pages of this story in a month (not to mention a few dozen for my classes) and it has officially exceeded the maximum average paperback novel length. So if you're reading right now, know that in reading this story you have basically read a Quick themed book.
Third, there is no way I'm going to be able to keep up this pace of writing. I'm quickly approaching the middle of my school term, which all of you in college or grad school know means mid-terms. But given the shortness of my terms they just start laying on a deluge of work for a few weeks spanning from the middle to nearly the end. Though I expect next chapter to be rather short given that it doesn't cover a very wide span of time (don't hold me to this as I am always wrong on this sort of estimation), I have yet to write more than twenty words of it and really don't see time to return to it for a bit. Though, as I do love writing this, I will try.
Fourth, yeah, you read correctly above, this chapter is longer. I couldn't break it up either, sorry. I hope all of you get a chance to finish the lengthy chapter before the new episodes start, which brings me to…
Fifth, some of you may be wondering what I'll do with this story when the new episodes do air. If there's some Quick in the next episode (I've avoided spoilers so if you know anything, please don't tell me, I like surprises) or if there's Puck and Quinn with other people in these last nine episodes, it doesn't really matter for the purposes of this story. This story is planned and will be executed as planned regardless of what happens in canon from now on. Yep, it's becoming an AU, but given the history I've given them, it pretty much already was (depending on your definition of AU of course).
Sixth, I'm going to shut up now and let you get to reading if you haven't already skipped ahead. This chapter gets to a point that many of you mentioned looking forward to so I hope you enjoy it:D
Cheated Hearts
IV. I believe that fate has brought us here, and we should be together, but we're not
(Here's something you should know: Quinn Fabray and Noah Puckerman are sneaking around together behind everyone's backs. Despite the fact that it is therefore not set in reality, it'll still be the most real relationship either one of them ever has. Even if neither will call it a relationship.)
Kissing by Quinn's car on Monday led to making out in the back seat of Puck's truck until his phone wouldn't stop ringing because his mom wanted him home to have dinner as a family. They don't talk about it and, actually, they barely talk at all. They don't make plans to see each other again, to repeat this…occurrence again. He says he needs to get home and she agrees that she probably should. He pauses when they're both out of the back of his truck and kisses her before she can walk back to her car, just briefly. Then he climbs back into his truck, the driver's seat this time, and leaves while she's getting into her car.
Tuesday is when things really start to get interesting. Brunch is pretty short, but towards the end of it he finds her at her locker and actually approaches her, in public and everything. He stands a ways a way despite the fact that there aren't but a few people in this hall at the moment. He doesn't bother with pleasantries, he simply suggests, "How about we find a supply closet during lunch and see what happens?"
Quinn knows it should sound like a bad idea to her, but instead she finds herself smiling (blushing just a bit too) and asking knowingly, "Don't you already know where all the supply closets are and shouldn't you know the best one by now?"
He smiles because she didn't say no and answers, "Yeah, the one closest to the special ed classes." He checks, "See you there at lunch?"
She smirks and responds, "Maybe." She turns and leaves for class before he can say anything else and possibly get out of her that "maybe" was a lie and she actually meant "yes."
-o-o-o-
Lunch comes and about ten minutes into her closet escapade with Puck, Quinn's mind begins to nag at her a bit. He's getting…handsy. Normally, she has no problem stopping a guy in a situation like this and then pretending to pray (just to screw with them a little, they have to be clear on how serious she is about her abstinence). But now, she knows his hands are traveling upwards, seemingly seeking the destination of her chest, and she's not finding her voice or even feeling the urge to stop him at all. She knows she's not going to sleep with him during lunch in a closet at school, or at all, she would never let herself. Yet what she normally very much wants to stop from happening with other guys, she doesn't want to stop with him. That idea freaks her out a little, so she lets herself get lost in him again so she can stop thinking.
She's successful at forgetting about her worries for less than another ten minutes because it suddenly occurs to her that while she's been getting lost in him, in letting him make her feel, in order to keep her in that state his hands had traveled south to her behind at some point. She honestly has no idea when they changed direction. She just knows that all her time with him has felt unbelievably good. But the fact that she didn't notice and the fact that his hands are there in the first place (something that she has let a couple other guys get away with, but not for more than a few seconds), brings all her freaked out feelings bubbling up again. She stops kissing him and pushes him away a little. Before he can ask her what's going on or, hopefully, before he can jump to any conclusions, she lies, "I can't spend all lunch in here. Too many people will notice if I'm not around."
He could buy that. Those Cheerio girls are always out to get each other and one thing out of place and he could totally see them pouncing on her. Yet, then she squirms out of his grasp and she's not meeting his eyes anymore. He has a feeling that this is about something else. He can figure that out later though because right now he's got something else to do that he's done many times before, but doing it now is making his stomach feel queasy. He means to say it, but the words aren't coming out. She takes a half-step back from him (can't really do much more considering the limited space) and the thought that that's leading to her turning and leaving prompts him to finally say what he wanted to. He begins casually, "So, my mom wanted to spend the rest of the day with Kel. Catch up with her, go shopping, take her to a movie or something." Just to make sure there's no confusion about what he's saying, he spells it out for her, "I'll have the apartment to myself."
Considering what just happened here the idea of being alone with him at his home kind of terrifies her. But the idea that if she doesn't say yes (he knows she doesn't have anything else to do after school) and then maybe they won't ever have an occurrence like they had today in the closet or yesterday outside Foster's terrifies her too. She quickly decides which possibility terrifies her more and suggests, "Four o'clock?"
"We get out at three," he says confused, without realizing that it makes him sound eager.
She sighs and explains, "And first there's talking to people after school usually and then I need to go home and change, which could possibly lead to running into and getting held up by my parents." Considering that she won't be at Foster's (where she doesn't want to get caught in her uniform so no one who happens to walk in there will be able to identify her by it) she supposes she doesn't have to go home and possibly see her parents. She suggests, "Although I suppose I don't have to go home and change. You probably like the uniform anyway? That was the point of choosing these specifically."
"Yeah, I like it," he says with a smirk and an appreciative scan of her body. He clarifies though, "I like looking at it. But, honestly, you should go home and get out of it. It's …thick, kind of heavy fabric. Not really the best for touching. I prefer you in other things."
She can feel a bit of heat on her cheeks and she rolls the right corner of her bottom lip between her teeth. She ignores the compliment that she believes he gave (most guys preferred her in her uniform, preferred her playing her usual role, but he didn't and that was good) and questions, "You think there's going to be touching?"
He closes that half-step she created, brushes his finger tips from the top of her bare shoulders all the way down her arms, and promises huskily, "There's going to be a lot of touching."
She wasn't looking at him as he touched her. Instead her head was down and her eyes were closed and she was biting her lower lip again and trying not suck in a breath like she felt like doing at the goose bumps he was giving her. She feels his finger on her chin, nudging it up, and she opens her eyes quickly hoping he didn't notice they were closed. She meets his eyes and she's surprised that he's not kissing her because she assumed that's why he moved her face back up in the first place. But instead he's just smiling softly and looking at her and she was going to leave, she knows she should leave, but instead, she finds herself leaning forward and closing the small space between them and kissing him.
She doesn't make it to lunch. (And she doesn't really feel the least bit bad about that.)
-o-o-o-
Quinn puts a lot of thought into what to wear to Puck's. She doesn't want to look like she's dressing up for him because while she wouldn't normally think a guy would notice, his earlier comment about her uniform makes her think that maybe he would. She wasn't wiling to risk that just as she wasn't willing to possibly end up in an un-ladylike position, which was very possible if she wore a skirt or dress. So she goes casual (but still nice) and wears something that despite showing ample skin, couldn't be called indecent. She puts on shorts, a cute blouse, and flat sandals.
When she gets to his door, Quinn considers not knocking, but just turning around and walking away. She's early anyway (her parents weren't home to take up any of her time, thankfully) so she could go somewhere and think about this more, think about how she shouldn't be here. For as loud as the voice in her head is shouting that this is a bad idea though, there's something else in her that moves her hand forward and forces her to knock.
He opens the door so quick it startles her. What startles her more is that she can hear voices and before thinking about the possibility that they may not be real, panic gets the best of her and she asks, "Are there people here?"
Puck is confused for a minute because that's a weird thing to say right now, but then his senses come back to him. "Oh," he realizes and turns around to head for the source of the noise. Since she, thankfully, followed, he explains as he searches for the remote, "Die Hard is on. Couldn't help watching."
"You can keep watching if you want," she suggests, mostly just to see how he would respond.
"Or you could distract me from it," he suggests in return with a smirk, because as much as Die Hard is an awesome movie, he knows he'd much rather be with her.
He walks over to where she is at the edge of the living room, where it meets the kitchen. Her breath hitches and her heart starts pounding and she realizes that they're in his apartment alone and as much as she wants this, she can't go through with it unless she knows things she doesn't want won't happen. When he's eliminated all but a few inches between them she finds her voice and declares, "I'm not having sex with you." On second thought, she clarifies, "Not today and not ever."
He hooks a finger under her ever-present necklace, runs it around the chain, lets his thumb pad over the pendant, and responds, "Yeah. I kind of figured."
That wasn't the response she was expecting from him. She checks slowly, "And you're…okay with that?"
"I invited you here, didn't I?" he questions in return, trying not to make a big deal out of this even know he knows they're both aware of how this completely contradicts his typical behavior. (But he wants this, regardless of the conditions or consequences.) Returning to expected behavior he warns, "My hands may not be okay with that though. You know, they have a mind of their own."
"Really?" she questions, eyebrow raised.
"Yeah, if you don't like something they're doing you're going to have to figure out a way to stop them because me, I have no power over them," he continues on.
"I'm sure I can find a suitable way to keep them occupied," she ventures as her hands take hold of his, intertwining their fingers as she leans forward and kisses him.
Quinn ends up spending the next few hours at Puck's. There's time spent on his couch where she may have let him go a bit farther than she expected herself to let him (and she has to try really hard not to think about it later, not to worry). There's time spent watching an episode of ER that comes on where they start a kissing game- make out every time Dr. Benton comes on screen because they don't like his character. There's Puck whining about being hungry but too lazy to do anything about it (because honestly, he'd rather be making out and remain hungry) so Quinn carefully examines his fridge and makes them grilled cheese sandwiches (because they have enough of the ingredients wouldn't likely be noticed as missing).
Eventually, Quinn leaves because his mom and sister will come home eventually and they're probably lucky that they hadn't in the four hours she'd been there. Plus, she shouldn't be spending this much time with him (any time with him) and she knows it.
(When she does leave, he follows her to his door and kisses her as soon as she turns around to say goodbye. Instead of saying the goodnight she intended, when he pulls away she tells him simply that it was a good day and she'd see him tomorrow. He smiles and nods in return, doesn't say anything because something that would make him sound stupid would probably slip out- like the excited yes! he felt like screaming.)
-o-o-o-
Puck's mom comes home with his sister only twenty minutes after Quinn's left. Once Kelyn goes to bed, his mom sits with him in the living room, pretending to read a magazine while he watches TV, but actually trying to talk to him. She asks him what he did today, to which he responds vaguely that he just hung out with friends.
Eventually she gets to the point she clearly intended to make when she mentions, trying for casual and not even slightly pulling it off, "Kelyn and I ran into Finn while we were at the mall. He was there trying to find something to wear on some big date he has Friday night. He said it was with a really great girl, seemed real excited about it."
From experience Puck knew that that wasn't all his mom had to say and at this moment he didn't know what he'd say anyway. What was he supposed to say? Agree that Quinn was great? Sure, he could do that and maybe add on that she spent over four hours with him today and not at all in a "just friends" way. He doesn't have anything to say that has a possibility of not sounding bitter and he's too angry to pretend that he's not right now. So he says nothing and waits his mother out.
After giving her son five minutes to respond in any way, even by changing the topic or telling her about anything in his life, she gives up on him talking. She makes her point, "You should copy Finn, you know. Find a girl to have a real relationship with instead of the… short, casual ones you always seem to be in. You know, you may actually find you like having a real relationship, having someone who gets you and is always there for you."
Someone who gets him and has been there for him…that leads him to think things he knows better than to think about. This isn't the first time his mom has said something like this to him because she has this idea (that's not entirely wrong) that he's not happy with his life and he'd be happier with a real relationship. Despite the fact that everything is indeed different now, he responds as if it isn't, "I'll keep that in mind, 'Ma, but 'someone who gets me' doesn't sound like it could be nearly as much fun as 'girl who's name I don't know."
"Noah," she begins warningly.
"I know, 'Ma. I know," he cuts her off. They've had this conversation probably a dozen times every week since he turned twelve and his mom caught him making out in his room with a girl that used to live on the floor below them. She doesn't like they type of relationships he has, but he swears he's careful and that he doesn't mislead a girl ever. He's always up front about the fact that they will have a fling at the most, a night at the least (he goes with the latter much more than the former), and that's it. His mom still doesn't like it, but she accepts it because he's never proved to not be telling the truth on either matter as they've never had a girl come to their door with a surprise or wanting money to prevent a surprise or in tears claiming she thought she had something more with her son.
It's never easy for Puck to forget about these conversations on the days his mom chooses to bring up these issues. He knows that the way he is with girls is one way she's disappointed in him. She accepts it and doesn't give him much trouble about it, but the discontent is still written all over her face (just like it is about so many other things). As much as he hates that it makes her feel like that about him, he's never made any effort to change it. See, there's logic to the type of interaction he always has with girls, it's not just him being a hormonally driven teenaged guy (well, maybe just a little). He's never becoming his dad; he's been dead set in that decision since the second the man walked out. He is definitely leaving Lima someday though, because he can't stay here and become a Lima loser, and possibly not sticking in one place after that. One way to make sure all the times he's leaving somewhere he's not leaving someone and being his dad, is to never have someone to leave in the first place. It's going to be hard enough to go somewhere else and not feel like his dad, no matter what the circumstances, thanks to his sister and his mom alone- he's not adding to that list of people he'd be leaving, no way, no how. So he has casual relationships where he doesn't get to know the girl and they don't get to know him, he's not getting attached so he feels like he's abandoning someone else and he's not letting them get hurt by him leaving either.
(And somewhere in the back of him, he knows that these are the thoughts that make him certain that at some point this week things need to end with Quinn. He knows Finn should factor into his decision. Finn is his best friend and he'd never want to screw the guy over. But- and he's known this longer than he's willing to admit- what he has going on with Quinn is a lot bigger than his friendship with Finn. Quinn meets his mom's qualifications for the type of girl he should want to find, should want a relationship with- she probably knows more things about him that matter than anyone else and she does get him. And he's not admitting to…feeling anything because that's a word he's still not ready for, but it's not impossible to imagine a relationship with her. The thing is, even if he miraculously keeps wanting that- the chances of which he thinks are slim- and even if it works and lasts, it can't last past high school. Because she's leaving and if she doesn't then he'll feel like crap for making her stay and somehow, defying logic, he always ends up being like his dad in any ensuing scenario he can possibly think of. And he's not becoming his dad, so why start down a road that seems destined to head that way?)
-o-o-o-
Quinn drives home with a smile on her face. It isn't until she's in her house that she realizes she drove home and she wasn't usually home this early, her cover required a later hour.
Luckily (or not actually) her dad has something he wants to talk to her about, so focused on it that he doesn't notice that she's home over an hour earlier than she's supposed to be. "Quinn," he begins authoritatively standing across the kitchen island from her, "I think you should drop your Wednesday night tutoring."
Quinn is completely perplexed. How were Wednesday nights relevant? Was there something else they wanted her to do now like take up a sewing class to make her seem more wholesome and it could only be done on Wednesdays?
"I don't like you being around that boy," her dad continues.
That boy? Quinn wonders. Had she made up someone as a client and forgotten?
"He's…" her father begins with distaste and it's then that it hits her. Puck drove her home last Wednesday and she told her parents she was tutoring him. But how did they figure out who he was, she's sure she didn't give them a name.
"Jewish?" Quinn finishes for her father because she knows that's all she told him and she hopes that his prejudice is his only reason for starting this conversation.
"No," he father waves off, continuing to think of where he was going. On second thought he relents, "Well yes, but I saw that truck at the gas station today and I saw the boy in it. He's that Puckerman kid, the running back. And despite the fact that he is a very good running back and possibly the best player that joke of a team has right now, he's trouble. I've heard all about his reputation and there's no point to you wasting your time tutoring him sweetheart, he won't need anything you can teach him when he inevitably ends up in prison."
Quinn knows she should be used to this from either of her parents (and if her dad's talking to her, her mom will soon seek her out thinking it unfair that he talked to her and she didn't- not out of actual concern), but she's horribly offended anyway. But she can't get angry at her parents because despite who they are and how they treat her (or don't), she doesn't want to lose them from her life, she doesn't want to do anything to push them (further) away. Plus, if she's being honest she used to make the same assumption about Puck, but now she knows that if he ever ends up in prison then it'd only be because he'd do anything (no matter how wrong) for his sister and his mother. She smiles and tries to placate her dad, "Daddy, prison doesn't always last forever and while he's in and out of it he'll need to be able to find a job and he'll need a high school diploma to find one. After all, our parole system requires that recent convicts work and who else will tend our bushes and mow our lawns?"
Her father smiles proudly at her and compliments, "That's a fair point Quinny." Then he launches into how they really need better prison systems- ones where they don't waste time letting inmates get an education or have a bed to sleep in.
Eventually, after her father releases her from having to listen to him drone on about how he thinks America's government is far too kind to criminals, Quinn heads to her room. Unfortunately as soon as she shuts her door her mom is knocking on it--- she wants to talk, just like she just did with her father (her parents turned parenting into a competition that they were both competing in real half-assed). Her mom makes the case that she shouldn't be spending her time tutoring anyone that couldn't be valuable to either her popularity or her future. For example, if he could provide good gossip or secrets about some of the girls she's heard he's been with, then it could be useful because she'd have something to hold over other girls' heads. Or if he was a viable option for a boyfriend he'd be useful, but her mom warns, he's the type of guy that spending time with could only damage her popularity so she should make the right choice and stop wasting time with him, start tutoring someone who benefits her.
Quinn placates her mom by promising that since Puck used to screw around with Santana, its really bothering Santana that they're spending any sort of time together. And though Puck doesn't really know anything about Santana, it's been putting the girl on edge and keeping her in her place, reminding her that she's the one with the power. Her mom's very happy about this and tells her to, "Keep up the good work."
Quinn lets her mom leave after that. Both of her parents seemed completely satisfied with her lies so they shouldn't bother her. Yet, as she finishes her homework she realizes that she could have skipped lying to them and just told them the truth about how she's going out with Finn on Friday and they wouldn't have worried about her judgment at all after that, they would have been to pleased with her. And she knew going into it that that would have been all she needed to say, but she didn't. She knows why she didn't tell them too- because then it's real. If it's real then her and Puck are over (not that they're anything now).
She had a really good day thanks to Puck. He's the first person to know very much about her and he still wants her and that's big for her. She's been resolved to not letting people in, but he's already in and it feels good that he is. So she knows that at some point between now and Friday night she wants him to tell her that he doesn't want her to go out with Finn. She's not looking for any kind of declaration or to put a definition on what they are because she's not sure she could do either of those herself, she just wants him to admit that he doesn't want her to go out with his best friend just like she doesn't want to. But at the same time she knows she's not telling him that. She's not admitting to him that she doesn't want to go out with Finn because she'd rather be with him. She let him in, past her many protective walls, and it feels good right now but she's smart enough to know that it won't if she tells him the truth and he doesn't feel the same way.
So Quinn thinks she knows how all of this will end (and any of the ways it's not worth the risk to tell her parents any bit of truth about the situation, even that she has a date with Finn or that Puck isn't the person they assume he is). Way one: By Friday night Puck will tell her not to go out with Finn and she'll tell him that she didn't want to and cancel the date and her and Puck will keep this hidden until they know where it's going- which she's okay with not finding out for a while. Way two: He won't say anything about her not dating Finn and she won't say that she doesn't want to and this thing will stop between her and Puck because she'll go out with Finn and eventually she'll learn to like Finn. (She knows life is never that black and white, but she doesn't let herself consider all of the shades of gray here.)
-o-o-o-
Just before the bell rings for brunch on Wednesday, Quinn gets a text that tells her: Meet me. It should concern her that she doesn't need to ask where already or that she doesn't consider not going. Most of all it should also concern her that despite spending all of bunch together, they don't say a single word to each other.
The three classes in between brunch and lunch provide Quinn with plenty of time not only to realize that despite seeing him, she and Puck haven't said anything to each other today, and it provided her with plenty of time to worry about it. She gets another text from him suggesting meeting back at "their" closet for lunch and she wants to figure out something to say to him when she sees him, but what is she supposed to say? They're not in a relationship and they're not really friends either. So, when she gets there, she ends up blurting out the first thing that comes to her mind, "I can't skip lunch today."
"Oh, I know," Puck agrees, picking up on a direction that she didn't know was even there given that she hadn't given the statement a second of forethought. He continues, "I was starving after skipping lunch yesterday. I had to walk out of my last class and get something to eat. So I came prepared today. I swiped some food from the cafeteria kitchen, got you some too."
For a second she was hung up on the idea that he walked out of a class. How does he get away with stuff like that? But then he said that he got her food too and she forgets everything else. She doesn't actually eat cafeteria food. Everyday at lunch each Cheerio has food delivered meeting special dietary needs as stipulated by Coach Sylvester. It's such a nice gesture though, one she doesn't expect from him, that she simply says, "Thanks."
He smiles despite himself. He didn't mean for it to really mean anything, he just wanted to eat and he figured if he didn't get her something to eat too then she had no reason to stick around with him any longer. And he wanted her around.
Twenty minutes later while they're finally eating lunch, Puck tries to mention casually, "Uh, I have to pick up Kel from that reading group thing tonight. My mom will still be in her first therapy session then. And she mentioned doing stuff at home before that." He swallows thickly and starts to stumble through, "I mean, I have some free time today, but I don't know anywhere we could…".
"Hmm," she contemplates. She has a few ideas already, but he was clearly not used to making plans and it was pretty cute to see him fumbling so she figured she'd stretch it out. She offers, "Well my house is definitely out of the question."
"You sure?" he checks, "I'm really useful at pissing off parents. They always have a problem with me."
"I'm not looking to piss off my parents," she informs him and moves on quickly adding, "I'm not looking to even see them if possible."
If her parents were like she'd been describing he didn't see why she wouldn't want to piss them off, that'd certainly be his course of action in her situation. Asking her about that wouldn't get them anywhere though and it didn't seem like she wanted to talk about it anyway so he let it go. "My truck? We could just park somewhere out of the way," he suggests.
"For a while maybe that would work, but it'd also get pretty cramped," she reasons. She offers the idea that had immediately come to her, "We could go to Foster's. It's almost always empty. Foster and Addie aren't even always in there." She adds to her case, "Plus they already think there's something…going on with us. They've said stuff like that to you too, right?" She worries she said too much. Lately, she's been having trouble thinking things through with him, it's getting annoying.
"Yeah," he confirms, "what's up with that?"
She shrugs and supposes, "They don't have a lot of customers? They're bored? I don't know but it'd be pretty convenient now."
He's not crazy about the idea of going to Foster's and showing Foster he was right about him. He doesn't like the idea of Quinn not spending the day with him because they don't have anywhere to go even less though so he agrees, "Yeah, I guess it'll work for a while."
That afternoon Quinn meets Puck a little ways away from the house he dropped Kelyn off at (he volunteered to drop her for his mom since it turned out he was heading that way). She parks her car behind his truck and joins him in his backseat and they stay there for a while.
When the truck starts feeling cramped they head to Foster's. Foster doesn't say anything when they sit on the same side of the booth (Puck swears he only did it not out of any boy-friend like obligation, but just to keep touching her). They play poker against Addie and Foster (suggested by the older couple and Quinn insisted they couldn't turn them down) and Quinn keeps sliding her leg up against his while they play and he thinks he could get used to this. Yeah, he thought that it was doomed, but if she said she didn't want to go out with Finn, he knows he'd be happy and he'd stay with her as long as she let him even if it meant risking turning into his dad.
By the time they eat Foster and Addie have left them alone, seemingly on purpose, to give what they assume is a new couple some privacy. Quinn's not so sure they need it. Since they got here Puck has sat really close to her, put his hand on her leg (and moved it up so high she started blushing), but done nothing else. She supposes he's not into PDA and figures maybe they shouldn't go anywhere public tomorrow. Then, catching her totally off guard, he kisses her after dinner, just once and pretends to think as she considers, "Hm, I think my dinner was definitely better than yours. But I'm going to have to get more evidence." He leans in again and she meets him halfway, smiling.
When they leave they park near her car again and spend time on his front seat until he has to go pick up Kelyn. When she leaves, she's smiling and hoping that tomorrow will be just as good as today.
-o-o-o-
They both know what Thursday could be. It's either a beginning or an end. (And Quinn should have realized that that simple fact would mean it was impossible to be as good as the previous day.)
At school, Santana makes a comment to her in first period about how she's been smiling all week (clearly Santana suspects there's something important she's purposely not being let in on). She lies and tells her it's because she has a date with Finn. (She knows that's not the reason at all. And she thinks maybe, this is the first time she hasn't had to pretend to be happy.)
Thursday passes much like Wednesday. They spend time together during both brunch and lunch in "their" closet. There's actual conversation at lunch since it's quickly resolved that since his apartment is unavailable they'd just repeat yesterday's routine. They don't repeat the routine exactly though as they spend far less time at Foster's and far more time in his truck.
Eventually, the night has to come to an end. They both need to head home and they both know it. Quinn briefly entertains the idea of suggesting that they just take off from here, but she knows he can't leave and if there's any chance of her getting the future she imagined (which, oddly, she hasn't been thinking of at all lately) she shouldn't leave.
She's in his lap, straddled across him, with a few more of the buttons on his button down shirt undone than she'd like to admit to doing. The hour is approaching ten and she knows that she can't wait for him to ask her not to go through with her plans for tomorrow anymore, he's clearly not going to do that. But she doesn't want this to be the end. She pulls away from him and simply sits there, staring at him for a minute. She's more daring than she expected (and more stupid) because she begins, "I…". The rest of the words die on her tongue as he stares at her expectantly. She can't do it. She can't put herself out there like that. She's not ready to risk that much. She bites her lip, thinks for a second, then smiles a little as she changes direction, "This has been so great." She lets a few beats pass and he's still not saying anything so she knows she has to accept what this was (what it isn't), and she forces herself to continue the course she knows it needs to take. She hopes she doesn't sound as disappointed as she feels as she adds, "Tomorrow's Friday and…".
"You're going out with Finn," he finishes for her. Here he'd been waiting for her to say that she couldn't, but she was sitting in his lap and not denying that he was right. Given everything he thought could come of this, and the fact that he probably couldn't handle a real relationship anyway, this was probably for the best he tells himself. (Even if he's already started to feel like shit despite the fact that he hasn't even had to see them together yet.) Since she's had a minute and she's not denying he's right, he makes this continue on the path it needs to be on by forging on, "Finn can't find out about this."
She smiles trying to ignore the sadness of this for the moment and concentrate on the moment alone. She offers, "I don't think that will be a problem since we've been sneaking around."
He gets caught up just looking at her then, sitting in his lap and smiling at him. He reaches up and strokes her hair, tucks a bit behind her ear to keep it from hiding her face. It feels like a sorry-assed-sap move even as he's doing it, but knowing that doesn't make him want to any less. And then she's kissing him again and they forget about the fact that it's over for a few more minutes until his phone rings with his mom calling wondering where he is. And then they part ways, acting like it's just a normal night and nothing is happening of significance because that's the way it needs to be (especially since neither is willing to admit that it's not what they want).
-o-o-o-
The closest thing to the truth Quinn's willing to admit to herself is that she was infatuated with him (past tense, that was important). So it doesn't make sense that once she's in alone in her room twenty minutes after she leaves him she's jiggling her leg and has her eyes turned toward the sky and she's praying to God not to cry. She can't cry, not over him. She's determined enough that not a single tear escapes, even though they sting in her eyes for hours.
The next day things get a little worse. Finn keeps walking with her to her classes and talking about what they should do that night. It's sweet and she feels guilty that she doesn't really care. She feels even worse when they go out that night and he lets her pick the movie and the restaurant afterwards and plays elbow-tag with her for the first hour of the movie before he finally takes her hand in his. And in the end he doesn't try to grope her or make out with her, just kisses her cheek while blushing. This is exactly what she should want (even if he's not much for conversation), and she's lucky she has it, so she resolves that she will make herself be satisfied with this (she'd say happy, but that's always seemed like an impossibility here).
-o-o-o-
Puck doesn't see them together on Friday before their date. He kind of ditched most of that day of school, though he swears it's just because he's been showing up far more than he's comfortable with lately and doesn't have anything to do with her.
He gets a text late Friday from Finn saying the date went well. He's at a party, and that's the point he decides to have a few more beers, even if it'll mean he has to walk home.
On Monday at school the first thing he sees is them walking down the halls together, hand in hand and smiling. He briefly thinks that something doesn't look quite right about her smile, but then again he can't look at them long enough to confirm that.
He hooks up with Santana again later that day, because after seeing them together in between every class he feels like crap. And he really doesn't want to anymore.
-o-o-o-
They have to be around each other more than either expected. So Quinn has to see him with whatever girl has decided she wants to fool around with him and Puck has to see her act like the "perfect couple" with his best friend. It's one of the more challenging things either of them has done, to act like none of it matters. But they're both so skilled that it doesn't even show, not even to each other.
Eventually, the do find themselves stuck together alone, if only briefly. It's the last week of school, only five weeks after Quinn starts dating Finn. It's way too soon for this, but it's happening nonetheless.
It starts at an orchard party. She's by Finn's side and he pulls her along, dragging her over to where Puck's sitting on the bed of his truck because he needs to talk to Puck about something important.
"Hey man," Finn greets, "I keep forgetting to ask you something."
"Okay," Puck responds tightly and takes another drink of his beer, because she's about three feet away from him and the only reason she is, is because she's with his best friend. He knows none of it is Finn's fault, but he keeps getting angrier and angrier at the guy anyway.
"You know how my mom's birthday is coming up? I really wanted to play her a Neil Diamond song, since she loves him, and since you know how to play him I thought maybe you'd be willing to show me and play along for her too," Finn rambles on in suggestion.
Quinn had been trying not to listen, trying to act disinterested not so much in the exchange, but in the boy who was sitting on his truck bed. But when she hears the name of the familiar artist and the information attached to it she can't help her eyes turning to him and lighting up with recognition.
"Sure," Puck agrees tightly. He doesn't much care what she may know now, it's not like they ever talk anymore anyway. Which is probably for the best, he reminds himself.
"Great," Finn declares enthusiastically and completely oblivious to his friend's suddenly grumpy demeanor or his girlfriend's sudden interest in the conversation. His phone starts ringing further distracting him from what's actually right there in front of him. He pulls it out of his pocket and notices the name on the screen. "Whoops," he begins, "I kind of forgot to tell my mom I was going out tonight. I've gotta take this." He adds to Quinn, "Be right back." He walks away from the party, from the noise of the other people to talk to his mom.
She could leave even though Finn's words implied that he expected to find her in this spot in a few seconds and she knows it. Despite the fact that she knows it's another bad idea of hers, she questions, "You know Neil Diamond? But you told Addie-"
"I don't like Neil Diamond," Puck cuts her off angrily, "So I'm not going to play that douche for just anyone."
He doesn't know when it happened, but he can read her better than he can read anyone else. Maybe to everyone else her face would still look like a blank mask right now. But he sees it. The slightest movement of her lower lip, moved just a millimeter before catching itself from its action of dropping. The smallest movement at the base of her neck, like she took in the slightest breath. And it tells him that he was unnecessarily harsh and he hurt her. And his mind says that he shouldn't care because he feels like crap so often lately he's not sure he remembers what it feels like not to anymore. But he does care so he adds on softer, "I have a rep to protect, you know? Can't just go around looking like an idiot for anyone." He smirks a little, and the corners of her mouth move upward slightly and her eyes seem a little warmer as they're looking at him so he goes with it. He questions, hoping it just sounds conversational, "So how'd you do on those tests you were all anal about? Those AP ones?"
She actually smiles then. Quinn knows she probably only mentioned them a handful of times at the most so it makes her feel good that he remembered. "I don't get to find out yet," she answers, "but I'm pretty sure I did flawlessly. How could I not?"
Puck coughs "geek" and laughs a little at his own joke (she does too). It makes it a little more comfortable.
Since it feels a little more like it was, Quinn decides to ask a question that she'd been wondering about all these weeks where they haven't really talked. She glances in the direction she thought Finn was in with her peripheral vision, just to make sure he's still there (which he is) and she asks, "How's Kelyn?"
"Good," he answers and tries not to dwell on the fact that her asking about his sister made something feel really good inside him. He elaborates, "She started dance classes, through the rec center, this week."
They'd been avoiding more than a second of direct eye contact since Finn left despite the fact that they were talking. She'd look to his forehead or his nose as she spoke and he'd look at her hair and (tortuously) her mouth. But then, after he let her know that he took her one-time offered advice about his sister his eyes locked on hers and neither could make the effort to look away.
They'd never had a relapse. Even when they passed each other in the hall in front of "their" closet, there wasn't a stolen kiss or touch or glance. They were too stubborn to let themselves slip back into the thing they were, that they had both individually decided was a bad idea.
Here. Now. Eyes locked and every feeling flooding back, they both wondered what would happen if they met up in the orchard somewhere alone. Their bull-headed-ness would certainly falter, that's for sure.
But Finn comes back and drags Quinn away and everything that was there doesn't disappear (it never did), but it gets shoved away by both of them again.
-o-o-o-
A month into summer Puck is pretty sure he's got his life back to normal. Well, he has a pool cleaning business, which he has thanks to Foster (and he knows Foster thanks to Quinn, but he's ignoring that), and working isn't really typical for him, but he does like money so he figures it was an inevitable change.
Other than his new pool cleaning business though, his life has returned to exactly what it's always been. He has football practice in the mornings where he frequently gets mad at his idiot teammates and takes those frustrations out by taking every opportunity to pummel them (even though coach told him to stop tackling- it resulted in some injuries). He's been taking every opportunity to humiliate the freaks and geeks he finds around town through pranks and various harassments- usually accompanied by some of his more fun teammates. And he's kept a steady stream of various girls (and some women) in and then quickly out of his life (bed).
All in all, everything seems to be completely normal and exactly the way he wants it.
(Except whenever he's not keeping up with things that are "normal"- and even sometimes when he is- he has these moments where he still feels like crap. He hasn't even seen them together much over the summer. Quinn had Finn doing some nutty Christian stuff he didn't understand. Despite not really seeing her and having his life back, he still finds her on his mind, still finds himself wishing things were different.)
-o-o-o-
Quinn had continued to go to Foster's throughout those last five weeks of school. She dreaded every second she spent there, but she couldn't let herself stop going, she knew what that could mean. Thankfully, neither Addie or Foster comment on how she's there alone again. Instead, Addie brings her baked goods everyday now. And when school comes to an end and she doesn't have her tutoring cover to keep her out of the house anyway, she warns Foster and Addie that she won't be able to be by as much as she has been. By how tightly Addie hugged her she's pretty sure Addie knew that it was more of a "goodbye" than a "see you later." She feels bad for not going back, for cutting them out of her life when they'd been so good to her. (But after being there with Puck…she was miserable and for all her determination and pretending, she just couldn't put up with it anymore.)
As usual, the first two weeks of Quinn's summer are spent at cheer camp. It's actually quite a vicious environment, but since she had long since mastered it and risen to the top of it, it really didn't serve as the distraction she was hoping for. Though part of the lack of distraction is that Finn sends her texts every day, reminding her of things she doesn't want to think about.
She likes Finn, she does. He's sweet and nice and he trusts her (even though she doesn't trust him and even though she doesn't deserve it). She thinks that if things had been different she would have dated Finn, found a really good friend in him, and been content with him for the rest of high school. But the way things are, with her having a…something with his best friend right before she went out with him, it makes her feel like the problems are stacked against her and Finn and it's all her fault that they are. (The part of her that denies that Puck meant anything also denies that she's happy things seem off with Finn.)
When she gets back she tries to help Finn get more involved in her life. She's not letting him in, he's a high school boyfriend and he won't be more so there's no need for that (even though his complete honesty makes her feel guilty for not being the same way with him). But she does decide to let him in to her religious life, especially since he'd been getting a tad more aggressive when they'd make out- she figures he could use a reminder of what's proper. He goes along with it so willingly it surprises her. He really would do anything for her. She knows most girls would be happy to have a boyfriend willing to do anything for them, but she can't help but think that he's only going to end up getting hurt if he remains that nice.
So she has cheer practice everyday and she has Bible study with Finn joining her group one night a week and her Christ Crusaders, also joined by Finn, one night a week. Then she usually makes time for one other date night with Finn a week, but she keeps her interactions with him relatively sparse, explaining their frequent separation to Finn by telling him she wants him to hang out with his friends and have his own life. She thought he'd be clingy so she's pleasantly surprised when he likes that and easily goes along with it.
She doesn't spend more than one night a week at home still. Not being able to go back to Foster's left Quinn with a lot of time to fill. While reading the paper one day she stumbled on an advertisement and it sparked an idea. She told her parents she would be volunteering at various organizations around town, but actually she signed up for a ballet class in Findlay. It's about forty minutes up the I-75 and there are closer dance classes, but she picks it to make sure she won't run into anyone she knows.
So three nights a week for eight of the ten remaining of summer, Quinn gets to explore one of the many things her parent's idea for her life denied her. She has a fantastic time in her class. It's easily the best part of her summer. She's not the best dancer there (close), but for once she's not competing with everyone around her. She's simply participating and enjoying and learning. Towards the end of it she resolves that the childhood dream her mother squashed of being a ballet dancer wasn't so bad because dancing wasn't a life for her. She enjoyed the class and she hoped she'd get to take more classes, maybe while she's in college. But eventually she realizes that dancers are performers and she's already had enough performing to last a lifetime, she doesn't want a career that requires it.
What she finds nearly as enjoyable as the dance class itself is that it's in Findlay. Not that Findlay is any particularly great town- she's so not even applying to their university- but it's not home and she doesn't know anyone there. So she often finds herself hanging out in town before and/or after her class. She'll run errands, she'll read in Riverside Park, she'll browse any store, just to spend time in a place where no one knows her or expects anything of her.
On one day while she's at Findlay's Wal-Mart, which she wandered into to browse DVD's that her parents deemed unacceptable, she's shocked to hear her name called. She comes to a stop instead of continuing on to her destination and looks around. It's not until she looks down and other shoppers part that she sees Kelyn running towards her happily.
"Kelyn!" she exclaims just before the young girl practically pummels her in a hug. She hugs back tightly but she can't help being concerned at the situation and quickly proceeds in questioning, "What are you doing here? You're not alone right? Who did you get away from?"
Kelyn doesn't get a chance to answer before her brother's angry (and out of breath) voice calls, "Yo, whippersnapper."
Kelyn goes on the defense, "I told you where I was going and I didn't leave the store so I didn't run away."
"If I had to run after you, then you ran away," Puck says finally catching up to them and hunching over to catch his breath. "What did I tell you about that?" Puck questions, reminding.
Kelyn rolls her eyes and recites, "Don't make you run on days where you had to go to football practice."
"That's right," he affirms.
"Even though your team is horrible and your coach clearly must not actually make you do much at practice," Kelyn adds on smartly.
Quinn can't help but laugh then. She had been worried the second she saw Kelyn, but the bad feeling she thought would be associated with seeing him just wasn't there. (But all the good ones of before were certainly back.)
Rather than countering his sister, Puck reminds Quinn, "What are you laughing at? You're always out there making an idiot out yourself cheerin' for our crap team."
"We don't cheer for you. Your team isn't worth cheering for. We cheer for ourselves. We're the only ones doing anything impressive out there," Quinn explains. Or at least that was the way Coach Sylvester had always put it- who didn't believe in cheering for the sports they were required to since they were the only team with talent on campus.
" 'Cause waving pom-poms takes so much talent," Puck returns sarcastically.
Quinn has a retort on her tongue, but Kelyn loudly clears her throat and catches both teens' attention. She was quite bored with the direction the conversation had taken. "I want to go look at the fish," Kelyn pleads.
"You're not getting a fish just so I have to flush it by next week," Puck tells her. Kelyn pouts and it doesn't even take a full minute before Puck caves saying, "But I guess you can go look."
"Yay!" she exclaims. She grabs Quinn's hand and begins to drag her along towards the fish saying, "Come on Quinn, let's go see the fish."
"Kel," Puck begins, chasing after them, "you can't just order someone to come with you. Quinn may be in a hurry. You don't know-"
"I don't have any plans," Quinn interrupts glancing back at him from being dragged by Kelyn.
"See," Kelyn says, as if declaring that she was right.
Kelyn points out all the fish she likes, occasionally donning them names in the process. Quinn plays along as she listens to the girl while Puck is forced to frequently repeat that they were not getting a fish.
Eventually, as Kelyn is directing a store assistant with a net to the exact fish she wants in a tank of more than twenty, Puck stands with Quinn at the end of the aisle watching. He feels like he should thank her for staying and going along with his sister, but she did it of her own free will and besides, thanking her reminded him of a lot of things that were best left in the past.
They'd been watching the store associate try to get the fish Kelyn wanted for five silent minutes before Quinn finally decides to ask the question on her mind, "So what are you guys doing in Findlay?"
"Kel's daycare closed today- the lady who runs it had a family emergency- so she was stuck coming to work with me today," Puck answers simply. Before Quinn can ask, he realizes he left out a pretty important piece of information, "I started a pool cleaning business. I have a couple of clients here."
"Oh," she responds simply. She'd say more or ask more, but that's what she would have normally done and she had to be more careful than normal with him now.
"What are you doing here?" he returns.
She surprises herself when she doesn't consider lying. She answers honestly, "I'm taking a dance class here. Ballet. It had to be out of town because, you know, my parents. And then after I usually find myself hanging around town somewhere." (She smiles a little, because he's the first person she's told that to and that doesn't feel at all wrong like she knows it should.)
He makes sure he's looking the other way, so she can't see him as he knows he's smiling a little at the image of her in one of those ballet costume things. (Later, he'll be smiling a lot more and feeling a lot better because he'll ask Finn what keeps Quinn from going out with him every night and he'll learn that Finn doesn't have any idea what the truth is. But he does. Because Quinn was honest with him.)
"And Wal-Mart is where you chose to hang out today?" Puck mocks.
She shrugs and answers simply, not giving in to his clear antagonizing, "The DVD's are cheap."
Kelyn comes racing down the aisle toward them then, plastic bag with fish in it in hand.
After Kelyn tells them the name she's chosen for the fish and explained why she chose it, Puck tells her, "Come on Kel, we've got to get home. Mom will beat us there if we don't hurry."
Kelyn sighs dramatically, but doesn't argue. She wraps her arms around Quinn again as she says, "Goodbye Quinn. I miss you."
"I miss you too," Quinn returns and she forces her eyes to keep focused on the ground behind the girl hugging her as she says it because she can't deny that right now she feels the urge to look to him.
They leave, Puck offering a small wave and a "See ya," that she can barely return. She doesn't understand what's happening to her. This isn't how she wanted things to be. This isn't what she wanted.
She heads to the DVD's and tries to browse for a while and take her mind off the things she knows she shouldn't want, but has wanted for a while all the same.
(The DVD browsing doesn't work and she'll head to the aisle with the body washes before she leaves. Before she can head out of any store like this, she always finds herself in this product aisle. Closing her eyes ever so briefly as she's in it, she takes in the overwhelming sent of Axe body wash and remembers what it was like to be with the boy who always faintly smelled like it and who was just in this store with her, but who still felt so far away thanks to their circumstances.)
-o-o-o-
Early August soon comes and school starts again. By the end of August everyone's fallen into a school-routine as usual.
Puck dumps someone in the dumpster every morning- still usually that gay kid who's name he honestly doesn't know. He randomly semi-assaults people in the halls, whoever looks like an easy target because he's not much for challenges these days. Sometimes there's a girl to mess around with at some point during the day, or at least many to flirt with. And after he goes to football practice he usually ends his day with a more thoughtful or fun attack- like going egging.
By the time school had started Quinn resolved that she needed to give her and Finn a better chance by being more committed, which meant being a better girlfriend. Though the things she's willing to do to be a better girlfriend are quite limited since she refuses to really let him past first base and she's not willing to open up about herself so they can actually begin to get to know each other (and she still regularly thinks about all of her time with his best friend). What she does make an effort to do is spend more time with him, be generally encouraging and supportive, and she tires to tutor him without him catching on (she didn't want to hurt his ego) because, damn, could he use it.
So Quinn spends considerably more of her time with Finn, which honestly isn't at all bad. It's certainly better than hanging out with her fellow Cheerio's and it's been giving everyone the impression that they're so in love they hate to spend time away from each other. It's a nice idea, so she never corrects anyone.
Other than spending time with Finn though, Quinn has her honors and AP classes, cheer practice in the mornings, all of her religious clubs to run, and Coach Sylvester decided to start "surprise practices" where they'd get a note and have five minutes to make it to a location where they'd have to perform their newest routine flawlessly before being able to return to class. This is something Quinn hates and is eventually forced to talk Coach Sylvester out of since, unlike her fellow Cheerio's, she's not suffering from multiple learning disabilities and actually wants to learn from her classes and do well in them. It takes her until the beginning of September, but she finally talks Coach Sylvester into doing three after school practices a week instead of the random ones that didn't really serve to make them any better. So, it appears her life is finally turning completely manageable again, with every little aspect completely in her control just the way she likes it.
That doesn't even last a week before she hears what she assumes is a rumor about Finn joining the glee club. (And since when do they have a glee club?) She doesn't get the chance to talk to Finn about it before Coach Sylvester has called her into her office and is complaining that her boyfriend is helping that ridiculous glee club- that very well could steal their funds and thunder- actually get a start at their school. She knows better than to argue with Coach Sylvester when she's not sure she's right, so she doesn't deny it. Instead, she agrees to go spy on them when Coach knows they have the auditorium reserved. She doesn't know how Santana managed to tag along, but she's there to see it too---Finn, her boyfriend, singing with that band of misfits. (She's never seen him look that happy. And when she sees him look at Rachel while they're singing, she knows she's never seen him look like that either, not for her.)
Quinn spends the weekend considering what to do. She doesn't know why he's doing this to himself. She gets that Finn just kind of fell into popularity, but how could he not know that he can't do whatever he wants and expect to keep it? She could fix that confusion she supposes, helping him out is definitely something a good girlfriend would do.
(Or she could break up with him. But what would that really do? Together they were the most popular couple in their school and if they broke up she'd lose that. If she broke up with him her parents would be angry and disappointed. If she broke up with him over this he probably wouldn't be her friend anymore, and she likes him, she doesn't want to lose him completely.
But if she broke up with him…it made certain things from the past possible. Only, her past didn't necessarily look like an option. He'd been with a lot of girls in the past few months, from what she had heard.
Which makes it seem like she only has one option here.)
Monday she starts laying in to Finn about how he's ruining his future, their future, with this sudden need to sing and dance. He doesn't believe her because he's too naïve. But the whole time that Rachel girl was listening in. She's been harsh to Rachel throughout their time in school together. The girl set herself up for it by frequently singing about being lonely or not having someone return her feelings. Really? This is high school, and like Finn, she should know better.
She's a bit worse to Rachel now though. She's not sure what it is really, but it gets to her that Finn clearly has some kind of …thing with Rachel and Rachel certainly has a big thing for him. It's not jealousy- that she's sure of. Maybe it was just because she didn't want him to not want her. It never feels good to not be wanted, she's learned that from her parents. And it's becoming increasingly clear that there's a possibility that Finn will come to not want her.
(When she looks back on it she knows that this should have been the moment she dropped it. She should have let him have whatever he was going to have with Rachel. She should have confronted him about not really wanting her and been honest about not really wanting him. Instead, she keeps fighting for him.)
Quinn thinks it's pathetic when Rachel joins her abstinence group clearly just because Finn was in it. But then Rachel challenges her. Flat-out and in front of everyone. Honestly, it had been a long time since she's had anyone try to face off against her like that and it throws her far more than she'd like. She responds heatedly and screechy and she doesn't care what Finn thinks sparked that response, she figures he'll just think it's out of jealousy and feel good about their relationship. But Puck showed up to this meeting (she hates that Finn begged him to join too) and he knows her better than everyone else in the room and he may actually be able to figure out why she actually lost control for that brief minute. The idea of him figuring it out terrifies her, because she has no idea what really provoked it, where it came from, and if he knows her well enough to figure it out it proves a lot of things true that she's been so successfully denying for a while now.
Once she watches Finn perform with Rachel, she knows what everyone else is going to assume about them and what everyone is going to think she needs to do. She needs to fight for him, harder. So she joins glee club and ropes in Santana and Brittney. She actually has fun doing the number they put together for Mr. Schue, and Mr. Schue is so welcoming and encouraging that it doesn't seem like the worst idea ever. Plus then Coach Sylvester seems to like her more for putting herself in the perfect position to spy so this whole being a supportive girlfriend thing looks like a win from every direction.
To top it off, it seems to work. Or at least something changes because Finn has returned to being the doting-if-not-dopey boyfriend that makes her the envy of most of the female student body. All seems to be good.
-o-o-o-
All remains good for the next few weeks. Quinn does as she's asked and performs well in glee. She also does as she's asked and performs her spying and ruining of glee well. Things are good with Finn and she finds that some of the glee members aren't the people she assumed and it's a nice surprise. She's also finding Santana and Brittney to be more enjoyable to be around than she ever has before, which is also nice.
She doesn't really care if Coach Sylvester's plan works. She figures it will because who would actually win against Coach Sylvester? But this club demoting one's popularity shouldn't be a problem now that she's in it (which sounds cocky, but is kind of true) plus if she has to stay in it she's not going to be a part of a team that looses so she figures whoever wins the battle, the glee club or Coach Sylvester, she's still going to come out winning, which makes everything in the process okay.
It's a couple of weeks after Mr. Schue started blowing off some of the glee rehearsals because he started his Acafella's group that things change. It's a Friday morning and Coach Sylvester cancelled morning practice because she had some interview or something. So, unlike most mornings, Quinn actually sees her parents before she leaves for school.
As she eats a small healthy breakfast of low-fat yogurt and fruit, Quinn's mother is commenting on things in the newspaper. Tomorrow there's a cocktail/dinner thing she's required to go to at their country club. She can't remember what it's for but after her mother mentions the lack of advertisement for it in the paper, the next thing she comments on is an engagement picture of the daughter of someone else who's prominent at their country club. Her mother mocks it, describing to Quinn how horribly unattractive the couple in the picture look before thrusting the paper before Quinn to show her. The homely couple doesn't catch her eye though. Instead of the engagement announcements, it's an obituary on the opposite page that grabs her attention. It's a familiar name and it leaves her tearing up out of shock before she realizes where she is and that she can't be caught doing this here. So she gathers herself, races to her room to grab her things, and heads to buy a paper before school. She reads the details of the family, of his life, and of the service- which is Monday during school and she won't be able to make it.
All she can think about all day is what she read in the paper. Her scheming and pretending is so half-hearted she's surprised when no one seems to notice.
She wants to ask Puck about what she read in the paper, see if he'd seen it. Even though they didn't talk now she didn't care, she wanted to talk to him and she would have if she had found him, but somehow she couldn't manage to catch up with him all day.
She goes home at the end of the day and she figures that there's something she needs to do. She needs a bit of closure and she owes someone her condolences. So she changes into a simple, plain black dress because somehow wearing any other color seems completely inappropriate for the encounter she's planning. Except once she's headed to her destination she finds that it's grown cooler out and her sleeveless dress isn't nearly warm enough. The only sweater she has in her car is white and it ruins the appropriateness she was going for, but she doesn't really have a choice anymore.
When she gets to the dusty parking lot, the new wind stirring up dirt from the fields and clinging to the once pure white sweater on her shoulders, she's surprised to find hers isn't the only car there and that she recognizes the other one.
She gets out of her car quickly and ask as Puck's getting out of his truck, "Did you read the paper too?"
"What?" he's responding just as the entrance door swings open and Addie walks out.
Addie stops, surprised to see the pair before her there again. But then again, people are always showing up in times like these. She questions knowingly, "Saw the paper?"
While Puck is confused, Quinn nods solemnly and responds, "I'm so sorry."
Addie tries for a small smile but it quickly fades as tears fill her eyes and a sharp sob escapes her mouth. She's lost control around just about everyone so far, but given the circumstances she's not surprised.
While Puck is a mixture of surprised, worried, and completely uncomfortable, Quinn gathers her strength not to cry in this moment too as she rushes to the older woman and hugs her, consoles her.
Puck doesn't know what to do, mostly because he has no idea what kind of situation he's in here. He knows he'll sound like an idiot and it will probably be the wrong thing to ask right now, but he questions, "Uh, what was in the paper?"
Quinn doesn't know how to tactfully respond to that at the moment, but as she's thinking about it Addie speaks up, having calmed down. She says bluntly, "Foster's obituary. He passed on Wednesday. It was a heart attack."
"Oh," Puck says, everything making sense now. He adds sincerely, "I'm sorry."
Addie waves him off, releasing Quinn. "It's okay," she says like she's trying to convince herself that it is. "We had fifty eight years together and that was a lot more than most people. And in his seventy-two years of life he lived the hell out of it." She chuckles a little nostalgically, wipes at her eyes again.
Quinn bites her lip, unsure of what to say. She's never had someone in her life die, all four grandparents having died before she was born. She's especially never been in Addie's situation. She supposes she might as well say what else she came to. She offers, "I can't come on Monday since I have school, but I wanted to see if there's anything I could do for you? Anything you need help with?"
"Ah, that's sweet honey, but I'm good. My oldest son was here by yesterday morning. He just went back home to pick up his kids and bring them back here for the weekend. And my daughter got here yesterday too. She's out buying paper plates and stuff- we decided we don't want to be stuck with dishes after the wake," the last word seems to stick in her mouth. She pauses for a minute, glances at the bar behind her and continues, "I couldn't remember if I'd turned off the lights inside. We were in there on Wednesday night, when it happened and with all the… I had locked the door late that night and not come back." She adds thoughtfully, tears starting to form again, "I'm not sure I'll be able to be back in there much. It just doesn't feel the same anymore."
"What are you going to do now then?" Quinn questions, hoping to be able to provide suggestions as help for the older woman if she doesn't know.
She tries for a smile again, it doesn't reach her features somehow, as she answers, "Uh, well all my kids invited me to stay with them and their families and I'm going to take all of them up on that. Spend some time with all of them and all of my grandchildren. Maybe by the time I get back I'll be able to…" she shakes her head trailing off. Live without him, was what she meant to say, but the idea still sounds so heart-wrenching and harsh, she can't say it out loud.
Addie gives Quinn's hand a squeeze, walks her the few feet towards Puck and changes the subject. She asks both teens how they are and receives the typical teenaged-single-word response. Then amid thinking of how insufficient such answers were, she realizes, "Oh, I have a box for you Puck. I noticed it in the basement a while ago. A small box with your name written on it by Fos. I asked him about it and he just said he was going to give it to you eventually. If you can wait a minute I can go get it now; don't know when I'll be back in town anyway."
He can't argue with that and he's not going to argue with a grieving woman anyway so Puck simply agrees to wait. Since Addie didn't say goodbye to Quinn before she hopped in that trailer looking thing and sped off towards her home and since Quinn didn't get a goodbye in before she was off, Puck's not surprised when Quinn just stands there waiting with him.
After a minute of rather uncomfortable silence, he tries to begin conversationally and teasingly, "So everyone's saying you joined glee club."
"Yep," she confirms simply.
He laughs then because he finds the idea of anyone in glee club pretty hilarious. He didn't get why Finn joined at all. Shouldn't he know better than to make a homo move like that? Yeah he saw them perform and they were pretty good, but that doesn't excuse willingly singing and dancing on a stage. That's so…gay. "That must be fun," he says sarcastically.
"It wasn't as bad as I expected," Quinn offers. She's not going to defend the club, she doesn't like it that much yet. But it wasn't what she thought it would be (she would have laughed like Puck too) and that did deserve to be acknowledged.
He gets why she's in it. He's heard all the rumors about how she joined because that Rachel chick was going after Finn so Quinn joined to put them both in line. He so doesn't want to talk about that though. Instead he mentions, "Come on, you've got that Rachel girl in that club- I have no idea how you survive that."
She shrugs and agrees, "Yeah, that is pretty bad." She doesn't think about it before she continues, "Do you remember how horrible she was in chastity club? God, she's annoying- not to mention insane."
"Yeah she is," Puck agrees and ads on, "But despite being a nut-job she had a point there." He adds antagonizing, "Which is why she got you to flip out."
She realizes that they've gotten into that dangerous territory she was initially worried about that day (and that it's probably her fault they're here), but she's had some time to come up with reasons that ease her mind now. She proposes an idea she's okay with about how Rachel made her lose control, "Because she talked about sex in abstinence club?"
"Nope," he denies, "your problem wasn't that she was talking about sex or contraception."
"Right," she agrees sarcastically with a roll of her eyes. "So what was it?" she questions because she's not going to be caught not wanting the answer he has no matter how much she doesn't want to hear what he's come up with.
He's not quite sure when he spent so much time thinking about her, but it doesn't really surprise him that he clearly has given the ease of his answers. He explains, "You didn't have a problem with her encouraging sex because you plan to have it- your whole abstinence pledge only lasts until you're married, right?" He doesn't wait for her to confirm he's right before he continues on, "So you don't actually have a problem with sex. And you don't have a problem with contraception like she was talking about either because you like planning and you're not going to want to get pregnant with your husband whenever, you'll want control over it so you'll definitely use something to make sure everything you want happens how you want eventually. Which leaves your problem to be with what she was doing there: saying a big fuck you to what anyone thought about her or the consequences and doing what she wants."
She didn't expect him to be logical, and yet she followed his reasoning somehow. She asks challenging, "And why would I have a problem with her doing that?"
"Well not because her doing what she wanted meant making it clear to your boyfriend that she'd do him, that's for sure. And not because she was challenging your authority in a room of your people," he informs her. He takes a step closer to her and tells her, "You didn't like what she did because you'd never do something like that. You care too much about what everyone thinks and about what could happen."
"And you don't? You play into the school-bully role every chance you get," she accuses in return.
"No I do," he admits, "but at least sometimes I do what I want without giving a damn about anything else."
"Some people would call that stupidity," she argues.
He wants to tell her that some stupid people are really happy. Because that's what it was ultimately about- Rachel went after something she thought would make her happy pretty hard in that moment and not caring about anything else. And he thought she was being an idiot for going after a guy who dates Quinn Fabray, but still, if it worked, she'd probably be happier than anyone else that was in that room. And he wanted to tell her that she could do that too, that he had done that when he kissed her that first time, just didn't keep doing that and if he had…if he had, things may be different now. But he cared too much about the consequences (about turning into his dad) and since she stopped them too then she clearly did too. Only she pretended a helluva lot more and he wanted to say that too her too, that she didn't have to because he got to know her while they had been here at Foster's and there was nothing about her she ever needed to hide. And yet, he was standing here silent for about a minute now because he couldn't say any of it. If he said it, he'd be as open as Rachel was in that moment in chastity club, but Rachel got hurt in the end and considering that didn't split up the dynamic duo, he'd probably end up regretting any more honesty here. So, he changes direction, "What are you talking about any of this with me for? Shouldn't you be talking to Finn?"
It feels like a low-blow even though it shouldn't. She didn't leave him for Finn. She didn't choose Finn over him. He knew she was going to go out with Finn and he never tried to stop her so if he decided to be bitter about it now, that should be his problem not hers. Yet, it hurt and she felt bad about it. She felt bad about not choosing him. And really, she knows there was some truth in the things he said about her and this is a perfect example of that. She didn't even try to really be with him even though she's sure she wanted to because she couldn't forget about what her parents would think or what everyone else would think or about all of the consequences- like how they didn't seem like they could possibly work out. And she wants to at least offer that he's right, even if she knows she can't elaborate on that or address what happened between them (what's still happening between them). But she can't get the words out in the whole minute spent in silence before Addie gets back.
"Phew," Addie sighs getting out of the tractor and lugs the small, but surprisingly heavy box the few steps to Puck. "Here," she says handing them over. As Puck takes the box and walks it over to his truck she informs him, "I didn't check what was in it. Knowing Foster I probably should have, but just in case it was something meant to be between the two of you I didn't."
He sets it down in the bed of his truck and quickly opens it. It's a small (12 pack) case of the wine coolers he saw when he was down in Foster's basement. He smiles and tells Addie, "Yeah, it's just something we were talking about once." He walks back over to both of the women. He offers sincerely, "Foster was a really good guy. Probably one of the best men I've ever met."
Addie hugs Puck as she says tearfully, "Thank you." He doesn't try to stop her from the action and actually hugs back because he can recognize that this isn't a time to be difficult or distant.
When she releases him she's wiping at her eyes again. Seeing these kids again, she knows how much Foster would have loved that. She tells them, "I wish Foster could have seen you two again. And Kelyn, of course. We missed you, you know? And he liked both of you so much."
(Puck can hear Quinn sniffling right beside him and he can just barely make out the tears streaming down her face from his peripheral vision. He doesn't know what makes him do it, but he shifts a little closer to her, close enough so that the back of his hand is just barely brushing against the back of hers. And that barely there contact sealed his fate and naturally propelled his hand to take on an instinct of it's own as the back of it pressed more firmly against hers for a few seconds before nearly venturing around her hand to grasp it full on.
Quinn feels his hand touching hers and thinks it's an accident at first. But then there's that distinct and lingering second touch. And she can barely keep listening to Addie because thinking about his hand, feeling his hand, has taken over all of her.)
Addie laughs suddenly, bringing both teens back to where they were and what they were doing. (Hands jerk apart.) She recalls fondly, "But as much as we liked you and I still do, God we didn't expect having young people around to make us feel so old. Our grandkids do, but we thought that was because they reminded us that we're plenty old enough to be grandparents." She shakes her head a little, trying to clear her wandering thoughts. Looking up at the teens before her she notices the two cars, the fact that one of them came here with a purpose and the other one was confused, and realizes that all the things her and Foster hoped for them probably weren't happening. Getting back to the fact that one of them came here without an actual reason and that she wanted to try for the end result she fondly speculated on with her husband, Addie informs Puck, "You know, I'm going to do you a favor." She looks to Quinn and asks, "Do you want to know why he was here today despite not having any idea about what was going on?"
Quinn had no idea where Addie could be going with this, but she did want to know the answer so she replied, "Sure."
Meanwhile, Puck is confused. He knows what he was doing in the parking lot, but it's not like he told Addie so how could she know? Also, he likes to think he's too mysterious to actually figure out (though he acknowledges that that idea may mostly be in his head).
"He's been coming by about once a week for the last couple months. He doesn't come in, just parks out here or down the road," Addie tells them to Puck's surprise (he didn't think they'd notice, he figured if they did they'd come out and ask why he hadn't come in, but then again he appreciates that they didn't because he never wanted to talk about it).
Quinn's not sure what to do with that. She feels like smiling and she's melting a bit against her will. She can't ask him about it and she can't really say anything at all though, because she's with Finn. And why he did that and the possibility that his answer could make her melt so much more, smile so much more, she couldn't hear it, because she's with Finn. So, she just smiles a little at Addie and hopes that's response enough.
There's honking somewhere in the distance and Addie looks to her house, notices a car in the distance at it. She tells them, "That must be one of my kids. I should be getting back." She hugs them both, thanks them for coming by, and promises everything will be okay, she'll be okay, and then she gets back on her tractor and leaves them standing there.
Puck expects a line of questioning about his coming back to this place that will only serve to embarrass him, but it doesn't come. Instead, Quinn tells him without even looking at him that she has to get going, has things to do and she's in her car and out of there before he can even get back in and start his truck. It's probably for the best that she didn't ask about it, he'd probably end up saying something stupid about why he came back since he knew he couldn't tell her the truth.
-o-o-o-
Quinn heads straight home. On her way to her room her mother unfortunately stops her, just to comment on how for a black dress, the one she's wearing isn't very sliming. Normally when her mother makes comments like these she can brush them off mostly by reassuring herself that her mother just likes to hear herself talk and if she's not really smart enough to have anything but criticisms to say (and when she has kids, she'll never ever be the same way).
(And thank God she left the now dirty sweater in her car, her mother would have been suspicious about that.)
This time, in the state of mind going to Foster's and seeing Addie and Puck and Foster's death left her in, it hangs with her. She tells her parents she's feeling ill, makes up an easy excuse to her "friends" and Finn and goes to bed early. She tries to force herself not to think of anything at all, but she spends the whole night worrying about…everything. She's not the person she wants to be, not at all, and maybe she needs to stop pretending sooner rather than later, before she completely loses herself to this part she's always playing.
-o-o-o-
Puck gets a call from Finn to hang out that night. Honestly, lately Puck has been avoiding his best friend- giving him the reason that he's going to continue to as long as he's in "homo-explosion." Really, Finn joining glee hasn't been much of a factor in why he's been making an effort to never be around him.
It started pretty much as soon as Finn started dating Quinn, this anger towards his best friend that just wouldn't go away. People have always claimed he has "anger issues" so feeling angry isn't anything new to him. Being pissed at Finn is new though, especially when he knows he doesn't actually have a reason to be angry at Finn at all. So for a while he tries to just ignore the anger and hang out with and treat his best friend the same as always. He succeeds, but with the added condition that it makes him a little more hostile towards complete strangers. He's the school bully though so no one seems to notice that change- how instead of just throwing stuff at people in the halls he's physically aggressive with them- no one notices except Finn. And the ironic thing is (he thinks it's irony, he's not actually sure what it is, but it sounds right enough to him) Finn wants to help him get over this sudden surge of anger that leaves him shoving people in halls into the lockers.
He doesn't really have to worry about all that much anymore though, because now he just constantly wants to rip his best friend's head off. He thinks this new, un-ignorable anger started when Finn and Quinn started playing the role of perfect high school couple. Then it got worse when it became clear that Finn was at least semi interested in that Rachel girl. Then it got (he hopes) as bad as can be when Finn told him that he kissed Rachel and would have probably done a lot more with her if there hadn't been some interruption- what, Puck doesn't know, Finn wouldn't say. When Finn didn't tell Quinn and went back to playing "perfect boyfriend" it doesn't get worse, this desire to beat the hell out of his best friend, it stays just as intense and ever so barely contained.
Tonight on the phone though, Finn practically begs him to hang out again, offers that he can't hold glee club against him because it's been getting worse and he probably won't be in it much longer. He can't argue with that, but he still doesn't want to go hang out with him. He asks Finn why he's not out with Quinn. Finn tells him that Quinn had called him and simply said that she was busy tonight. He comments that that sounds like a weak excuse, which he would think would prompt Finn to get suspicious, but it doesn't. Instead Finn just breezes past it and asks him to hang out again. He gives in, because he's running out of excuses and like he keeps telling himself, the way he feels isn't at all Finn's fault (it is his own fault though, and it could hurt Finn if he knew- and Finn would never do the same thing to him).
So he meets up with his best friend who seems bummed out because he put up with a lot of crap from everyone for joining glee and now that was falling apart. Finn also mentions in the list of things bugging him, making him pretty miserable, that Rachel doesn't talk to him anymore.
It takes a lot for Puck not to hit Finn then. Instead he offers that in his experience most girls aren't too happy when you hook up with them and then move on to someone else. It makes Puck feel a bit better that Finn mentions how guilty he feels for doing that to either girl, how bad he feels that he did that to Quinn. But the idea strikes him then, not for the first time, that even good guys like his best friend suck. Guys suck. Even a good guy like Finn, who has the best possible girlfriend in Quinn Fabray (he doesn't notice his own bias here), can cheat and can want other girls. It only took Finn four months to lose interest and if he's generally acknowledged as less than half as good as Finn, if he and Quinn had continued their… fling, how long would it have been before he lost interest and cheated? He figures such an event must have been their destiny, which makes him feel a bit better for avoiding it and because it allows him to write off his current wanting of Quinn as a consequence of him never reaching that point while he was with her, thus leaving them unfinished.
(He feels a bit like he's feeding himself a lot of crap, but it makes him feel better about himself, his decisions, Quinn, and Finn all the same. He may only be able to believe himself for a few hours, but at least he's able to breathe a little easier for those hours. For the last few months it's been difficult, just to breathe.)
-o-o-o-
Quinn conducts her Saturday as usual. She brushes away all worries from the previous night, determined to forget the entire day completely. The fact that she may very well be losing herself to the role she's always playing had concerned her, but it also keeps her thriving in high school rather than just surviving it. Plus, as her mother frequently reminds, it can be added to her college applications and she wants to have the best college applications ever so that she definitely gets out of this town. It's less than two more years, she figures, she can survive that much more pretending without losing herself completely (she hopes).
She calls Finn and talks with him for a bit, because she felt bad for blowing off their undefined plans when he'd been so great lately. She texts a few of her fellow Cheerio's – the usual gossip talk and put downs of people they don't like. Eventually these common Saturday tasks have to end as her mom reminds her that they have to go to the country club for the "blah, blah, blah." She's not sure why she always tunes her mother out, but when she tunes back in and her mother is telling her how she has to select a dress carefully as so many have made her look like she's carrying extra weight lately she remembers why it's always been better to only pretend to listen to her mother. She rolls her eyes at her mother's instructions after she leaves her room (but still, as she looks through her closet and tries things on, her mother's words are in the back of her mind making her scrutinize every dress and every detail of her appearance).
Despite leaving for the club at the same time as her parents, Quinn drives her own car, which her parents are fine with as they usually stay at these things pretty late and get quite trashed. Her mother tells her she looks nice in her dress, but oh, maybe that wasn't the best color on her? She says it with a smile and as if she wasn't the one who picked out the dress and requested that Quinn add it to her wardrobe as it fit the demure image that was her goal to keep. Quinn didn't really like the Lotusgrace embroidered cocktail dress. It had a high boat neck and a full, slightly pleated skirt, which doesn't serve to accurately portray anyone as thin despite how thin they may be. And though the embroidery was pretty, she didn't really think light gold was her best color. Yet she wore it with a smile as fake as her mother's when she saw her in it. (The thing was, despite not being a dress she would ever choose for herself especially since she thought it was way too old for someone her age, Quinn looked good in the dress. But still, her mother could only see the things she didn't like about Quinn in it.)
There aren't very many people around Quinn's age at the party and she doesn't like any of them. But having to socialize with people she doesn't like isn't anything new to her so she spends most of the party doing so flawlessly. Sometimes while she's talking to the other people there around her age she'll wonder if they're pretending as much as she is. She hopes some of them are, she'd hate to think that there are that many people out there that value all of the same unimportant things as her parents.
She has two unfortunate moments during the party- one induced by each parent. The one with her mother happens before they're seated for the dinner- turns out it's a charity dinner to raise money to remodel the main dinning room. She's doesn't mean to actually hear what her mother is saying to a group of wives that look like they could be clones of her- God knows she never actually wants to listen to her mother talk- but she overhears her as she's getting a refill on her club soda (her mother-approved beverage at these type of things- it was all about her image) when she over heard her mother say, "Oh I know. I tried to tell Quinny that style wasn't in right now and that the neckline did nothing for her, but you know teenagers, they can never listen."
It's not even close to the first time she's caught her mother saying something like this, but knowing that doesn't serve to consol her at all. She tries not to think about it, ignore it like everything else her mother says, but there are always moments where she can't seem to do anything but feel the sting of her words.
Surprisingly, her dad's moment affects her much more deeply. It's a while after dinner and she's going to her dad to tell him that she's taking off to meet with friends and since it's just after ten, she'll be home by curfew in less than two hours. She tells him exactly that, smiling politely and apologizing for interrupting his conversation. She gives him a peck on the cheek and a hug dutifully and begins to walk away. Yet, she wanted to add that she hadn't seen her mother so he'd need to inform her, but when she pivots around her father's back is already turned in conversation with the men there again and he's saying, "Our Quinn's a good girl. She's the perfect daughter. She doesn't go around kissing lots of boys, doesn't even associate with the wrong ones at all. She's too smart for that, and too determined to boot. You know she started an abstinence club at school? Got a ton of kids to join and she actually believes in it." He laughs just a little. He's also more than a little tipsy since he failed to realize all the men he's talking to already know all these things as they are close acquaintances.
Really, her father said very nice things about her. "Perfect daughter," well, that's what she was going for, wasn't it? It should leave her feeling relatively good. It should lift her spirits after overhearing her mother earlier and it shouldn't leave her at all hesitant to approach her father again. Instead, she can't approach him at all. She turns back around and heads for the parking lot, but when she gets to her car she doesn't start it and take off as planned. Instead, she just sits there and thinks.
All the things her father said about her reminds her of all the things she worried about the previous night. What he said was mostly true- except that he didn't know where she was or what she was doing most nights of the week. But would he really be upset to learn that she claimed to be volunteering and took a dance class instead or that she had found various secluded places to do homework? Even when she stopped pretending, she was still playing the role of perfect daughter.
She picked up her phone and almost called her sister to talk to her about it. Her sister was a "perfect daughter" too, maybe she'd get it. But thinking back, her sister turned out to be a perfect daughter- marrying a man they liked, leading a life they liked. But in high school she did plenty of sneaking around behind their backs. Quinn knows for a fact that while she told their parents she was single in high school to focus on her studies and to make sure she upheld a Christian life-style, she actually snuck around with every boy on the football, basketball, and hockey team. Not to say that her sister was whorish, she's sure she wasn't--- though she was only eight when her sister graduated, four when she started high school, so she's not actually sure. It makes her put the phone down though, because her sister really was only pretending and she did do what she really wanted whenever she wasn't, that much was clear.
Quinn, however, maybe she did a few things she wanted- like the dance class- but she didn't go after plenty of things she wanted either. Her parent's ideas and instructions always at the back of her mind, holding her back. This makes her think of what Puck told her about how she was, about why Rachel's outburst in abstinence club threw her. She doesn't want to think about that again though so she starts her car, turns up her stereo, and drives home to change.
When she's headed to her closet, she catches a glimpse of herself in her floor-length mirror in the corner of her room. She stops then, scrutinizes again. She looks exactly the way her mother wanted her to, and yet the woman still wasn't happy. She looks exactly like the role she's always playing; perfect and prim and proper.
Her heart starts to race, breathing gets shallow, as she realizes this and she can't keep the dress on another second. She slips out of it hurriedly, undoing her hair from its neat up-do at the same time. She looks through her closet and realizes that nearly all of her outfits say the same exact thing as the dress she just took off. She finds skinny jeans and a plain short-sleeved t-shirt shoved into some conclave of her closet out of disuse. She puts them on and looks in the mirror again. She doesn't look the same. Not perfect, nor prim, nor proper. She looks normal, average. It makes her feel a little bit better.
Changing clothes can only do so much though. She had planned to meet up with some of the Cheerios, but really, why? Why should she go spend time with people that don't like her because she's always reminding them that she's at the top of their social pyramid? She can't imagine that they'd actually want to see her and she doesn't want to see them.
She doesn't want to pretend tonight. That's what it comes down to. After all the things she's been thinking about, how she almost never does what she wants and how she's been letting her parents influence who she really is and not just who she pretends to be, she can't let herself pretend tonight.
So Quinn spends an hour in her comfy jeans and t-shirt, thinking and snacking on cookies in the kitchen (the food at the country club was always horrible in her opinion- a better chef was what they should have been raising money for). She doesn't feel like doing this for the rest of the night and she doesn't feel like being in this house any longer, but then she doesn't know what she does want to do either.
Around eleven she gets a text, from Finn. He wrote: How was the party with ur parents?
Her parents would probably like her to say something diplomatic, like that it raised a lot of money. Normally, something of the sort would probably be the first thing she'd think of saying (as it was now) because they had become that ingrained in her head. With a few seconds more of thought, she decides to be honest with him and responds: Boring. She wants to elaborate, but they don't have that kind of relationship and despite knowing that it's her parents' influence here too (or at least their fault) she's not ready to change that, not with him.
He texts back, offering nicely: Wanna come out? I'm just at a party, hanging with Puck.
Seeing his name on the screen in front of her, it sparks something. She handles the matter at hand first, texting back: My feet hurt and I'm tired. Going to sleep. Ttyt.
He sends her another message saying okay and goodnight and she returns the goodnight. Since that means their conversation is officially over, she scrolls down her list of contacts quickly. When she gets to the initials she labeled him as she pauses and thinks about what she's doing. Why does she want to call him? What would she even say? But then again she wants to call him. And if she gives in and doesn't do it isn't she just giving in to the voice in her head that keeps her the person her parents want instead of the person she is? There's no logical reason to call him- except that she wants to and she needs to start doing more things she wants, tonight was proof of that. She needs to be like Rachel was in that one moment, going after something simply because she wanted it and, as Puck put it, saying fuck it to all the rest.
So she did. She took a deep breath and hit send on his number.
He answers on the second ring. "Hey," he says, like he doesn't get why she's calling and he starts down the path for the only reason she could be uncomfortably, "Uh, I don't know where Finn is but-"
"Do you want to meet me?" she cuts him off. That wasn't what she expected herself to say, but he was talking about Finn- which, given the fact she was calling his best friend, she couldn't handle- and when she opened her mouth that was just what came out. Now that she considers it, she really did want to see him instead of just talking to him on the phone.
He sighs. Yeah, he wants to meet her, whatever that means. He's been talking to a few girls all night, made good progress with all of them. And he's here with his best friend, her boyfriend. But yeah, he wants to meet her. Instead of just saying yes though (because he'd never be that eager with a girl- gotta play it cool) he asks, "What's going on?"
She shrugs, not registering that he won't see that. She bites her lip and considers what to say. She doesn't think of this as pretending- this is simply trying to say the right thing to make sure he says yes like she wants. It turns out though, that she can't come up with any lie, she can't come up with anything at all but the truth. "I don't know," she admits softly, "I wanted to call, don't know why and then… I just…" she trails off. She doesn't know how to put into words what she wants. She wants to feel like she's being herself. She wants to feel like she's going after what she wants. And she's wanted to do a lot of things concerning him for the longest time now, and despite their complicated circumstances she's willing to admit that now and not care about anything else. She gathers her courage (being herself and going after what she wants, it's not at all easy) and she finishes just above a whisper, quite and confiding, "I want to see you."
He swears his heart stopped for that long pause of hers; girl was trying to kill him. Oh but risking death was worth it, it was worth her and hearing her say that she wanted to see him in that way that made him sure that she meant it in the way he hoped. But as much as he's smiling like an idiot right now and feels like doing a victory dance, he tries to keep playing it cool as he agrees, "Okay. Where?"
She smiles and checks, "You're at an orchard party?"
"Yeah," he confirms as he begins scanning the crowd, hoping no one's paying attention to him.
She describes a cherry orchard about ten miles south east of the party (which no one from the party should have to pass by to get home) and asks him if he knows where it is. He's only got a good idea of where it is, but he lies and tells her he knows exactly where she's talking about (it wasn't manly not be good with directions and he's not losing points now of all times). She tells him she'll see him there in thirty minutes and hangs up.
He's still smiling even when he's hearing dial tone. He doesn't need thirty minutes to get there, but almost heads off to leave right now- until he realizes he was Finn's ride. So he seeks out Finn instead. He should feel bad about this, about going off to meet his best friend's girlfriend behind his back, but he feels too good about the fact that she wants to see him to feel even slightly guilty right now.
He finds Finn joking with some of their football teammates, pulls him away and lets him know, "I've got to be somewhere so you're going to have to find another way home."
Finn looks put out for a second, but then his eyes light up and he questions knowingly, "You're going off with some girl, aren't you? Who is it?"
"Nah," he denies, because lying, it really was second nature. But Finn just keeps looking at him like he knows him so he relents, "Okay, sort of. I'm meeting someone." The guilt seeps in just a little bit and in case he ever has to explain his actions here, he adds, "It's not really anything."
"Not yet," Finn tags on, knowing his best friend usually got most girls he wanted. Plus, Puck seemed a little weird lately. Maybe he was down, which meant that someone needed to be optimistic for him.
"Yeah," Puck agrees, guilt getting to him enough that he's not even looking Finn in the eyes anymore. And maybe that should have been a sign that this wasn't the right thing to do. But he's never normally that concerned with what's right and wrong, why should his best friend being involved make this any different? Plus, if he decides this is wrong, he doesn't get to see Quinn and he's not letting that happen. Not after all this time he's had to watch them together and have this nagging feeling that he's missing out.
He hurries out of the party then, not able to stay around the best friend he knows he's betraying, and eager to see the girl that wanted to see him.
-o-o-o-
Quinn calls her parents before she leaves her house. Her curfew is about fifteen minutes after the time she said she'd meet Puck and her parents were actually awake tonight and would notice her breaking curfew. There was a very good chance that they'd be too trashed to remember that she wouldn't be back by curfew, but it'd be just her luck that they'd remember so she plays it smart and calls them- tells them that Brittany is having a sleep over for the Cheerios so she'll be back tomorrow morning, which they're fine with. Actually she plans on being back much sooner than she told them, just not by curfew, so she figures that if they hear her come home whenever, she'll just say the girls got in some petty fight so she left to come home and sleep in her own bed instead- it's what usually happened when they all got together like that anyway.
Quinn then spends a few minutes standing in front of the mirror again, considering that she should change. But no, she was comfortable and felt normal in this and she had a feeling she was over thinking all of this anyway. She was going to go see Puck and she was going to do so because she wanted to- she really wanted everything to just be that simple.
So she grabs a sweater and slips on a pair of flats. She doesn't bother transferring her things from her clutch to a purse because she just needs to have her driver's license and phone on her anyway so it doesn't matter. She watches the clock for a minute, considering that if she leaves now would she be early. She toys with the cross around her neck unconsciously as she ponders this, but decides that it shouldn't matter if she's early and she doesn't care, she just wants to be there. So she leaves, finally (and not suspecting that her world will be changed by the time she steps foot in this house again).
-o-o-o-
When Puck gets to the place he's pretty sure was the one she was describing, he's twenty minutes early. He gets out of his truck, paces a bit. There's this weird feeling in his stomach- kind of like that thing from Alien is rooting around in there and is about to pop out at any second (or butterflies, but that sounds too girly).
After a couple of minutes of pretty hardcore pacing, he's ready to admit that he's nervous. But he can't be nervous so he decides to drink one of the wine coolers still in his trunk to ease his jitters. He can't down it, even though he feels like it, because though he only had one beer tonight, he knows he'd never get a cab all the way out here so he needs to be plenty sober enough to drive home later. He takes a few sips (along with some deep breaths), opens the bed of his truck and plops down on it, trying to relax (or at least appear relaxed for when she gets there).
Luckily, he doesn't have to spend a lot of time by himself pretending to be at ease because she shows up ten minutes before she told him to meet her there. She parks a row of tree's over from his truck and she's smiling a little as she walks up to him, which makes him smile too.
"Hi," she greets, not having any idea what else to say to him.
"Hey," he returns and casually takes a sip of his drink (can't smile while drinking and he's really got to stop that whole smiling business- makes him feel kind of sappy). He cringes a little as the sweet drink goes down. He's always hated wine coolers. He's got to start keeping beer in his trunk.
She sits down on his truck bed, the opposite side of the one he's on and though she'd like to sit closer, her nerves get the best of her and she can't do that- she settles on the right side (behind where the passenger seat was inside the truck).
He wants to know why she asked him here, why she wanted to see him, but he doesn't want her to know how badly he wants to know that- it'd be so un-cool. So he begins conversationally, hoping he was getting on a good direction, "So what'd you do tonight?"
"Parents dragged me to a party at the country club," she responds honestly, already resolved to the fact that she doesn't hide things from him that she does from everyone else. Yet she's not going to come right out and divulge her every thought either. Doing that seemed pathetic and a bit insane somehow.
He glances at her attire, which he noticed immediately was different than what she usually wore (not a bad different either). He quips sarcastically, "Must have been a fancy party."
"It was. But I changed. Trying something new," she tells him, though she knows she would never try these clothes for church or for school if she didn't have to wear her cheer uniform. It felt like Saturday clothes that were entirely her, but honestly, she did like the cute dresses too- at least the ones her mother hadn't been involved in the purchasing of at all.
"Why?" he asks, because he honestly has no idea why she'd try something new. As far as he was concerned, there was never anything to change, not about the girl he hung out with.
She glances over at him, meeting his eyes, and admits, "Because you were right."
He knows what she's referring to and suddenly the fact that she called him doesn't seem so mysterious. It also doesn't seem like it'll necessarily head in a direction he'll like. He's not willing to find out what direction it's going yet and risk this being over. So, instead of replying seriously, he says cockily, "Of course I was."
She's smiling and shaking her head, but she shoves him into the side of the truck good-naturedly anyway. He says "Ow," but he's laughing through it. She laughs a little too.
She notices the drink in his hand again and she thinks about how tired she is of playing it safe. She's never had more than a few sips of a wine cooler, but she liked it (and she knows it doesn't have enough alcoholic content to get her drunk so there's no real risk here). She asks him, "You have another one of those?"
He's got eleven more and he hesitates to tell her that. Maybe something serious was going on here. Maybe she was having a real bad night and she was seeking comfort in all the wrong places (him and now alcohol). But he really didn't want that to be true so he says, "Sure," as he reaches back and plucks one out of the box. He hands it over and tells her, "It's courtesy of Foster."
As she twists off the cap she questions, "This is what Foster gave you?"
"Yep," he confirms. He doesn't want to get into it so he explains simply, "It's a long story. Just this conversation we had once, which I guess he remembered since he wanted to give these to me."
Foster, that makes her feel a little like she's drowning her sorrows as she takes her first drink. But he died, unexpectedly and she just found out yesterday so she figures it's just unfortunate timing and that feeling of hers is wrong. She turns in the truck, leans her back against the side and stretches her legs out towards Puck. She starts recalling a story Foster once told her about his life and pretty soon that's just what they're doing- reminiscing about different stories Foster told them and laughing a lot because the funny ones were the ones Foster liked to tell best.
An hour later they're both still nursing their original drinks and conversation is somehow turning back to things that actually matter.
"So how was the party at the country club?" Puck inquires, a bit of teasing about the country club part because he doesn't like sounding too serious.
She shakes her head. Looking down and away from him for the first time in a long while. She peals at the label on her bottle. She considers giving him the same one word response she gave Finn, but she didn't feel like seeing him to have walls up around someone. "My parents are," she begins, but she trails off not knowing how to finish. She doesn't want to say the things she's concluded about them, not really, because she still hopes they're not true or at least they'll change. Maybe then she'll have the parents she wants. She starts over and admits instead, "I'm never going to be like them."
He got the weight of what she said even if it was vague. He asks the natural question about the people that he only knows from accidentally reading the local newspaper and finding them in it, "What are they like?"
She sighs and she can't come up with any veiled truth and though she doesn't want them to be the way they are, the fact that they've helped make her this person who never goes after what she really wants instead pursuing all the things she should want, doesn't really compel her to defend them at the moment. She lists, "They're the type of people that are only nice to people to their face but never behind their back. They're the type of people that claim to be Christian and religious, but aren't charitable or forgiving or accepting or any of the other things that Christianity actually promotes. They're the type of people that donate a lot of money for the best legal team for the people that get arrested for throwing rocks at pregnant teenaged girls out side of Planned Parenthood clinics."
"That's cold," Puck interjects. He'd never heard of people doing stuff like that. "I mean, I'm all for throwing stuff at people who deserve it- it's usually really fun. But, pregnant girls? Even if they're total sluts that's just wrong."
"I know," she agrees, "I'd make fun of them in high school as much as I would anyone else, but physically hurting someone who's carrying a baby- you'd think them supporting something that awful would actually surprise me, but it didn't. They're…they're the type of people that had kids to add to their accomplishments and not because they wanted us." She rationalizes, "And I know I should be grateful that they've provided for me very well and that my sister and I always had a very nice roof over our heads and food to eat and anything else we ever wanted. But it's never felt that good to know that they'll give us all that stuff, but they don't care who we are or what we want. They just want us to stick to the image they want fulfilled no matter what."
"Their loss," he says softly and into his wine cooler.
She smiles, bites her lip a little, looking down and hoping that that and the darkness hides her reaction. It was a sweet thing to say and the simple sentiment makes her feel immensely better (she's not sure it would have meant as much coming from anyone else). But she knows how being sweet makes him uncomfortable, that much has been pretty clear for a while. So, she doesn't comment on it, doesn't dwell on it, and shows her appreciation for it by changing the topic, "How was your night?"
Getting a helluva lot better since she called him, he thinks. But he just revealed one embarrassing confession about how he thought of her and he's so not going to do two in a row. Thinking about his night and how his best friend had been a big part of it, he knows he really should never say anything like that to her again. He shrugs and replies simply, "Pretty typical."
She waits, expecting him to elaborate, but he doesn't. She wasn't expecting that. They had been talking and it had been so easy, so nice. But now he'd clearly stopped. He'd given her a vague, blow-off answer and that was all. Maybe she'd deluded herself into thinking the last hour was more than it was. Maybe despite being what she wanted, this was a bad idea. She glances at her watch, considering that it may be time to give up on this, it certainly seemed like he was giving her the opportunity to.
He sees her glance at her watch out of the corner of his eye and he feels like kicking himself. He didn't mean his being smarter about this to make her think she should leave. He really didn't want her to leave and the thought of her doing so made it pretty easy to decide that he didn't care what this did to the rest of his life, what the consequences could be, as long as she didn't leave. He speaks up before she can mention leaving, "Kel's still taking dance classes. She really likes them." He adds with a victorious smile, "And she's not hanging out with that boy anymore."
She smiles, not feeling like leaving anymore, and teases, "You know she's going to date. Given that she's your sister she'll probably be dating soon."
"No she won't," he denies, "I'm not letting her out of the house to associate with any boys until she's well into her twenties...and maybe even then-"
"You can't hold her hostage," she interjects.
"Yeah, that's what she thinks too," he agrees, but he's determined to prove everyone wrong who thinks that.
There's this very familiar warm feeling in her chest as he talks about his sister. Not for the first time, she thinks about how no one else may get to see this side of him, and it's such a good side. All the things he does at school feel irrelevant, because the fact that he's so good with his sister makes her have a strong faith in the fact that he's actually a very good man. But thinking again of how no one else may not get to see him like this, she decides to admit something to him that she's been thinking awhile, he deserves it. She smiles softly and compliments sincerely, "You're a really good brother to her." He starts to shake his head and before he can deny it she insists, "Seriously, Kelyn's really lucky to have you in her life."
It's nice of her to say and it makes him feel so good that she thinks that about him, but he's thought about this a lot. It's one of the things that will keep him awake some nights (other nights, it's the fact that he has his best friend's girlfriend stuck in his head). "I'm the kind of guy I hope she never finds out exists," he confesses seriously and looking to the ground again because he has trouble being that honest.
"Not to her you're not," Quinn points out. Yet he has a point and she doesn't want to blow that off despite disagreeing. She adds, smiling a bit, "And you're not that guy all the time." She doesn't want to say that she means he's not that guy to her, but she hopes that's what he gets from what she said. She heard a lot of things over the past months, had to see some things too, and they bothered her and she can recall them so easily. Thinking of those things and hoping to never see them again, she suggests, "You don't have to be like that at all."
Yeah, he gets that. He didn't really feel much better about his sister, but it did feel good to know that Quinn didn't think he was that bad guy to her. And he gets what she's saying about not being the player, bully ever because he's not always and he could just stop altogether. But then what would he do? Have a girlfriend? The only girl he ever pictured himself ever being able to be with in that capacity was sitting right next to him, and was currently the girlfriend of his best friend. He's not going to say any of that though, so instead he turns it around on her, "Yeah, I could be someone different. You could too you know."
Technically he's right and after the night she had with her parents she really wants to believe that she could just change, be someone different, be herself from now on. Realistically though, she knows the next nearly two years until college will be a lot easier if she doesn't and she should just be consoled by the fact that once college comes she'll be completely free for the rest of her life. It would be nice if she could really be certain she's just pretending though, if she could be herself and go after what she wants more. So she indulges that notion for a minute, considering his suggestion and pointing out, "Changing would probably make high school harder for both of us."
True. Well, actually he's pretty sure that it doesn't matter what he does anymore. After all the beatings he's doled out he's pretty sure no one will ever cross him even if he starts coming to school cross-dressing. He's not so sure it'd be that much of a problem for her either, not for the girl he's gotten to know. He retorts, "Yeah, it'd be a challenge, but I thought you like a challenge."
"Well when you put it that way," she concedes, smiling to herself because it felt like he knew her really well and that made her happier than she would have expected. She can't help but let reality seep back in though. Her smile fades and she rationalizes the path she knows she's going to follow, "Two more years of playing a role isn't so bad though. It's not even a whole two years."
He sighs softly because he kind of knew this was how things would end up. This is why they didn't work out before. Here they were back in the exact same place, neither one of them willing to change anything, neither one of them willing to do what they really wanted. And he came here tonight thinking that she'd called him and wanted to meet secretly because she finally wanted to change, finally wanted to take a chance on something. And he really didn't care if she stopped pretending to always be the perfect daughter and bitchy head cheerleader. He wanted the thing that changed about her to be that she wanted him. But it was too hard to deny now that she was still planning to play it safe in the rest of her life and so his presence here probably didn't mean anything that he wanted it to. And unlike before, he didn't feel like not admitting that he didn't want things to be the same. "What am I doing here?" he implores, barely above a whisper and laying it all out on the line (or starting to at least).
She wasn't ready for that. The question takes Quinn by surprise, makes her sit up a little straighter and her heart start to pound in her chest. She prays she heard him wrong because suddenly she's not ready for any of this. "What?" she returns.
He may not have said it loudly, but it was dead silent out here and he really didn't think she missed what he said. He shakes his head, already certain that this is about to turn out exactly how he hoped it wouldn't. He repeats, slower this time making sure she caught every word, "What am I doing here?"
She swallows, glances away briefly as she scrambles for an honest answer that she can actually manage to get out. She settles on repeating earlier words, "Like I said on the phone, I wanted to see you."
"Why?" he's quick to demand. He's tired of avoiding this. He either needs to get what he wants here or it needs to be absolutely clear that he never will.
Because… because… she wanted to. Because when she needed to be herself tonight and she needed to go after what she wanted and thinking of those two things he was first person she thought of. Because she felt more like herself when she was with him than with anyone else and she didn't want to just sit here and talk she wanted… she wanted something more. (Because yesterday he reached for her hand and it's all she's been able to think about since. She can still feel it there, touching her. And none of it is even slightly insignificant because before, when they were... whatever, and they'd be kissing or making out he'd take her hands and intertwine their fingers. Like he just needed to be touching her and he didn't care if it was an entirely innocent place, as long as he could feel her. And she knows she felt- feels- like that about him.) And she sits there on the bed of his truck, her eyes holding his and trying to make any of those words come out, but they're not. Maybe it was never her parents holding her back from being who she wants to be because here she is, completely unable to do what she wants.
The fact that she's not saying anything is answer enough for Puck. He hops off his truck bed and says, "I should get going."
She follows suit, getting off of his truck as she finds her voice enough to ask, "Why?"
He shuts the bed of his truck as soon as she's cleared it and heads for his drivers side door. He can't answer her question because the only answers he has are things like because he came thinking it meant something, that she didn't want his best friend anymore and wanted him instead. But he's already said too much approaching that topic tonight and he's clinging to what dignity he has left. Instead of replying, when he gets to his door to open it, he feels a little guilty that he's going to drive off and leave her here so he says, "You should probably head home too."
Quinn doesn't know how everything suddenly fell apart. She doesn't understand why this is so difficult or confusing. As she watches him head for his drivers side door she realizes that she can't keep living her life not doing what she wants so she has to say something because she doesn't want him to leave. Something just has to come out of her mouth because what's happening now isn't what she wants. After he tells her to leave, she very briefly considers that maybe he was right and maybe she should leave and give up on all of this because it was probably a horrible idea anyway. But the second he makes the slightest move towards his truck again she calls, "Why did you go to Foster's?" It wasn't exactly what she expected to say, she could have just asked him to stay (though she knows she probably wouldn't have a response as to why). But now that the question is out there she realizes that she's been wondering about that since Addie mentioned it and not having an answer to it is part of the reason she's terrified. He already knows so much about her and she knows that he could probably break her heart if she changed how things currently were (with her actually dating Finn). And as much as she'd like to take the risk and just tell him she wants him to stay because she wants him, she needs to hear that he wants her first. Because maybe he had sort of called her out on what they were doing there, but he'd dated other girls since her and he'd never come out and said anything about not liking that she's Finn's girlfriend and he'd never said or even really hinted at wanting her. So she needs…something from him first.
He stopped in his motion to get in his truck, but he's had ten seconds and he's not responding so she repeats, "Why did you go to Foster's every week?"
He sighs heavily. He turns around to face her. She's standing back at the end of his truck and, god, with her looking at him like that, eyes earnest and pleading, he's tempted to actually tell her. But he already knows that this isn't going anywhere, she'd made that clear just a couple minutes ago, so what was the point of putting himself out there more? So he returns, "Why do you care?"
"I care," she tells him honestly, simply. She's opening herself up now, even if it's too hard to get all the words out, she's saying enough and she hopes she can read all the rest, all the reasons why she cares, as easily as he can usually read her.
He wanted to believe that she cared for all the reasons he wanted her to and the way she was looking at him now told him he was right. But despite what he'd said to her earlier, he's actually usually wrong and he'd already been plenty of times just tonight. He sets his jaw, shakes his head a little, trying not to let his one word answer get out (you). But in meeting her eyes and holding them so firmly, the answer he was trying not to say was there, written all over his face and revealed in his eyes an the way he was looking at her.
Quinn didn't think him not saying anything would be enough for her. He was a big risk and the scariest one she would probably ever make at that so she figured she'd need verbal confirmation that he wanted her, that the answer to her question was that he went there for her (out of missing her, wanting her). But she didn't need him to say it, she felt it. It made her heart hammer harder in her chest and her breath get shallow, and it made her brain stop worrying, stop thinking. She found that that was enough because she was quickly propelled forward, closing the more than half a dozen feet between them and leaning up to kiss him.
He didn't expect this. He figured he was all wrong in thinking she ever wanted him, but he's never been happier to be wrong. And he doesn't care that it's only been a matter of minutes since he was thinking about how she's taken (and by his best friend), because he wants her and apparently she feels the same.
She sinks back down on her feet after a second, but she doesn't stop kissing him because he's kissing her back and she doesn't want that to stop, so she pulls him down with her. After a few seconds she can feel him smiling against her lips as they continue to kiss and it makes her smile too.
He pulls her as close as he possibly can, intent on never letting her go. With his eyes closed and her kissing him it doesn't seem like such a big deal or bad idea to say what he hadn't earlier. So in between kisses he mummers confidingly, "I went there hoping to see you."
She didn't think it was possible after the moment she realized that would be his answer, but she feels even better. She feels so happy she's not sure it's normal or safe and she honestly couldn't care less. She just wants to feel like this forever and if that means being with him forever she's really okay with that.
After quite a few minutes of standing out there in the cherry orchard kissing, he starts to finagle them into his truck and onto his front seat. She knows it's a smart move because it'd be more comfortable, but somehow it doesn't feel like it's what she wants. She doesn't want to stop this, being with him, being near him, feeling this ridiculously amazing. But she knows from past experience that his truck can feel cramped pretty quick, it smells like boy (and not in a good way), and he probably wouldn't want to keep it parked out here forever. Plus, just staying right here, feels like they may keep this thing between them contained to right here and she doesn't want to. She wants this to be more than just right here, right now. So as he's trying to gently lean her back into his truck, she breaks away from him and suggests, "How about we find somewhere to go?"
He can't think about anything more than the fact that he was just kissing her, she's hot, and he really wants her so the words that came out of her mouth super stump him. He's got absolutely no idea where she could be talking about. He didn't know what type of place she'd want to go to (like a Denny's, maybe she was hungry?) or someplace private (where the hell would that be? Most girls he was with snuck him into places they knew of or he had places at school). Left with no other coherent thought, he asks, "Like where?"
"Your place?" she suggests and she knows she should mean that to be an entirely innocent suggestion, but right now, with him, she doesn't feel like it is or like she necessarily wants it to be.
It takes him nearly a full minute to process what she said. Quinn Fabray, the girl he called Jesus Freak and Virgin Mary, wanted to go to his house with him and even if she just wanted to play scrabble that still felt like it was monumental. He realizes then that he's actually cool either way. Sure, typically he expects girls to put out, he expects sex, but the fact that she wants him, clearly in a romantic role given what they just stopped doing, is plenty for now (he's realistic enough to know that his nature may not always leave him satisfied with this, but who knows how far down the line that could be?). That realization leaves him a little freaked out since he's never felt like that about a girl before, but it leaves him pretty excited about this too. He's never felt like less of a bad-guy than he does with her looking at him like that, like she wants him and like he's good enough to be with her. So he smiles a little and responds, "Yeah. We could do that. I could sneak you to my room and we could hang out in there."
She's taken a lot of chances tonight. She called him, she met with him, she asked him about his going to Foster's, she kissed him without verbal confirmation about his answer to said question. So far, every risk had paid off better than expected because she's never felt this completely elated. And she should worry about the implications of being alone in his bedroom with him. She should be rationalizing that she's never let any guy get further than she's wanted him to and she's never let Puck get that far with her either so she'd probably remain completely in control despite their location. Instead, she doesn't care about any of that. She just wants him and wants this completely blissful feeling to stay. She finally feels like she's living her own life, like she's free and she's not letting that go. She's not going to let herself get bogged down by thinking too much or worrying over consequences. She just wants to feel and he makes her feel so ridiculously good. So though the suggestion should make her wary, she just smiles and tells him, "Let's go."
(Here's something you should know: By this time tomorrow, she'll regret every single chance she took. By this time tomorrow, he'll hate her and himself with equal intensity. By this time tomorrow, everything will be different between them. Again.)
A/N: I hope you enjoyed the chapter.
Yes, this was the pre-they-create-a-baby part, but there will be a page or two of that starting out the next chapter. But don't expect to then read about them actually getting pregnant as I won't be changing the rating to include that content.
Next chapter title: We try to talk it over, but the words come out too rough – from "Best of My Love" by The Eagles.
Finally, remember to PLEASE REVIEW. I haven't heard from about ninety percent of the people who have this on alerts or favorites and I'd love to sometime before the story is over (which is a ways away, many more chapters to come) so I'm hoping those of you I haven't heard from will be compelled to review at some point.
Thank you for reading!