(This is back after the suicide attempt.)
Enjolras felt numb. He was at the Musain with all of Les Amis, with the exception of Grantaire. Under the circumstances, Enjolras and Combeferre had decided that they were not going to carry out their plans for the day. Enjolras felt extremely guilty. He hated himself for being the thing that caused Grantaire to try to end his life… how horrible of a person was he that his own potential boyfriend wanted to kill himself because of him? He missed Grantaire, so much. It had only been a few days since the boys were normal, and it was only yesterday morning that he had last seen Grantaire full of life. What if he never saw Grantaire again? He bit his lip, his eyes beginning to burn with suppressed tears.
Marius looked over at the quiet blond, concern evident on his face. "Enj, what's up?"
It was then that Enjolras realized that Combeferre and he were the only ones who knew what happened to Grantaire. Enjolras heard Eponine ask Courfeyrac where Grantaire was (for Courfeyrac and Eponine were Grantaire's best friends), yet neither of them had any idea. They figured that perhaps Grantaire was out on a run, and that he would show up to the Musain when he was finished, as he had done several times in the last four months. Enjolras let out a shuddering sigh, unsure if he would be able to tell everyone what had happened the previous morning. Enjolras had spent the entire night in the emergency room waiting room, praying to a God that he did not believe in that Grantaire would live. If Enjolras had his way, he would still be at the hospital by the love of his life's side. Yes, Enjolras considered Grantaire to be the love of his life. He knew it as soon as he kissed Grantaire for the first time the week prior…. He never wanted to kiss another pair of lips again.
As Enjolras remembered the first kiss, he once against wished that he was back at the hospital. Alas, Enjolras had been banned until Grantaire was out of the critical zone. Enjolras had been banned after exploding at a doctor, calling him an "uneducated monkey who spent more time in medical school fucking the nurses than leaning how to save patients" out of anger of not being allowed to hold Grantaire's hand during whatever procedure he would be going through. Enjolras began to cry softly.
The other Amis looked at Combeferre, hoping that perhaps he would be able to explain to them why their friend was so obviously distraught. Combeferre took a deep breath, pushing his glasses farther up his nose before answering. "It's… something happened to Grantaire."
The group grew quiet, their eyes all trained on Combeferre. "What happened?" Eponine demanded. Combeferre looked at Enjolras, asking wordlessly if he wanted Combeferre to continue on, or his Enjolras himself wanted to share the unfortunate news. Enjolras simply began to cry harder.
"It's all my fault," Enjolras cried, buying his face in his hands.
Eponine, once again, was the one to speak. "What did you do to him?"
"I thought Grantaire slept with my sister, and I exploded at him." At the Amis shocked faces, Enjolras realized that he and Grantaire had not told the others of their relationship. Well, Combeferre, as Enjolras' best friend, knew, and Enjolras sure that Grantaire must have at least told Eponine, if not Courfeyrac, but no one else knew. Nonetheless, Enjolras continued. "He apparently passed out in Vivienne's bed, and… I thought that he had gotten with me to get to her." Enjolras felt ashamed as this thought crossed his mind as he realized that Grantaire and Vivienne had never even met before the club. Sure, Enjolras had told everyone that he had had a twin, but he had never introduced any of them to Vivienne. Why would Grantaire had loved Enjolras just to get with a girl that he had never even set his eyes upon?
Courfeyrac's gaze hardened, remembering back to Enjolras and Grantaire's first falling out senior year of high school. Grantaire had been in a bad place, having just realized that he was gay and madly in love the blond humanitarian. Enjolras had told Grantaire that he was a "useless cynic who would only amount to selling his body in the streets." Grantaire had snapped, locking himself in his room and starving himself, convinced that if he wasted away, it would not matter to anyone. Courfeyrac was angry at Enjolras then, and he sure as hell was now. "What. Did. He. Do," the raven ground out before exchanging a nervous glance with Eponine. It was obvious that she was remembering the same scenario.
"He got drunk and carved my name into his arm," Enjolras whispered. "I think he was trying to kill himself."
Eponine lunged forward, slapping Enjolras. "You prick! How could you ever assume that Grantaire would ever sleep with someone else?"
"He was in his boxers in my sister's bed, covered in scratches! What was I supposed to think?"
"He has been in love with you ever since he was seventeen! All Courf and I have heard for the last six years is about how perfect you are, how much he believes in you, how beautiful he thinks you are, how desperately he wished you would notice him in a positive light, how deeply his love for you runs!" Eponine screamed. She looked at Courfeyrac, silently urging him to help Eponine in her case to force Enjolras to see what his cocky attitude had done to Grantaire over the years.
Courfeyrac took the hint, and began to speak as well. "Do you know how many times Grantaire has hurt himself because of things you said, or how many times he tried to change everything about him in hope that you would approve of him? "
Both Eponine and Courfeyrac began to fire off scenarios, their voices growing louder and harsher with every situation they described. "End of senior year, you told Grantaire that our group would be better off without him, that he was an 'unnecessary addition to the protests' and that he would help the most by 'staying the hell away from the rally.' Do you know what Grantaire did that night?" Enjolras remained silent. "He tried to drown himself. Stole Ep's sleeping pills, and tried to drown himself."
"Freshmen year of college, you told Grantaire he was too wild all the time. He started smoking pot to mellow himself out for you, so that he would be calmer at your meetings."
"Sophomore year, you started dating Montparnasse. Grantaire started thinking that you were into the bad-boy image, and that is why he started to drink. He had it under control at first, but when you started simply critiquing his habits while Montparnasse got drunk multiple times a week, Grantaire decided he needed to do it more, but it obviously became something he could not stop."
"He started running and eating vegan the last few months because he hoped that he could make his body desirable to you, and so that he could keep up with your healthy, vegan life."
"Last, when you went off to build houses in Argentina for a semester. Grantaire quit alcohol cold turkey. When you came home and had that bout of amnesia for those two months after your car crash, Grantaire was the one to take care of you. Do you know what you did? You kissed him. You held him, clung to him in your confusion. I have never seen Grantaire happier in his entire life. He was constantly smiling, constantly laughing… he was so happy. He was the only person you had forgotten. It was as if he had a second chance at impressing you. When you hit your head and your original opinion of Grantaire came back…. Well, he was crushed, to say the least. All of us could tell how heartbroken he was, we just decided that things would be made worse if you knew what had happened. Grantaire would rather be dead and have his last few memories be of you caring for him, rather than you reminding him that he was a waste of space. Why do you think he put himself into that coma?"
"You mean…?" Enjolras couldn't finish his sentence, his voice too thick with emotion.
Eponine glared at him. "Yes, you fucker, Grantaire tried to drink himself to death when he realized that his two months of heaven was all that he would ever have with you. When he realized he wasn't dead, he figured that he needed to try to get healthy for himself before he could ever gain you. He was so nervous around you, so unsure of himself. I am sure you noticed how distanced he became… he was desperate to talk to you, but he constantly thought through every syllable before it was ever uttered in your presence."
Tears streaming down his face, Enjolras was unable to listen to any more. He stood up and left the Musain, breaking out into a sprint as soon as he was out of the door. He ran until he was at the park where Grantaire and he had shared their first kiss, crashing to the ground next to the lake. He sobbed, pulling his legs up to his chest and crying into his knees. Grantaire had spent six years in love with Enjolras… regardless of how cold and horrible Enjolras had been to the boy, Grantaire continued to stay in love with him.
Enjolras did not deserve Grantaire. That much was clear now. Sure, he had seen the way that Grantaire had looked at him over the years, but he thought that Grantaire had been looking at him out of an animalistic lust, something that Enjolras wanted no part of. He never in his wildest dreams imagined that Grantaire was harboring a deep-set love for him…. And Enjolras had been so cold! So many times had Grantaire tried to hurt himself, and all because of Enjolras! The blond did not understand. He was nothing special, nothing worth dying over…
Suddenly, it all clicked into place as he realized exactly what Grantaire had been feeling. Enjolras, himself, had felt a lesser version when he saw Grantaire in his sister's bed. Enjolras had felt as though Grantaire had torn his heart into shreds. He had only experienced the pain once, and it was an experience that he had never wanted to experience again. Hell, he only realized his feelings for Grantaire a little over a half year ago, and it killed Enjolras to keep his feelings inside! He could not imagine what it must have been like for Grantaire to suffer in silence all of these years.
"I will be better," Enjolras mumbled, picturing Grantaire's face in his mind. He begged God to let Grantaire hear this message, to understand how terribly sorry Enjolras was. "I am so sorry, my love. I will make it up to you, I will love you, I will honor you, I will give you everything that you deserve and so much more. I will make your life worth it again, and I will never let you go."
Enjolras mentally blew Grantaire a kiss and then, overcome by emotion, buried his face into his knees, and once again began to cry.