Atonement

By: Shadow Chaser

Disclaimer:

Loki and the Avengers along with all Marvel characters do not belong to me; they belong to Marvel Entertainment and Disney. I am only borrowing the characters for my own amusement and will return them (a bit battered, but hopefully healthy) when I'm done.

Story:

Chapter 6

There was no restful sleep for Loki during the night after he, Sif, and Queen Frigga left the Observatory. Heimdall had said it was too dangerous, the situation unknown for him to knowingly open the Bifrost to potential hostile forces only to summon the Allfather back when he himself had not ordered the Bifrost opened. But the Queen had at least taken the gravity of his words and said she would mobilize the remaining warriors left and place the palace guards on alert for any potential intruders as Heimdall worked on trying to find a way to activate the Bifrost without putting Asgard in harm's way.

He stared up at the darkened ceiling, his blankets askew from the tossing and turning of his attempts to sleep. He could have easily sent a familiar to Jotunheim, through the skeins of magic to Odin, but unable to pinpoint the Allfather's location would have been fruitless. A glimpse of Thor upon the battlefield did not tell him where the Allfather was. And Thor would not be able to read the spell. He was pretty certain Thanos was sending the Chitauri to Midgard and absently wondered what Thor would make of his mortal friends, the Avengers, in this situation. They could not blame him now, he supposed, after all, he was here in Asgard, not leading the bestial, mindless force in an attempt to conquer the realm.

"It is all right to be afraid, my son," Frigga's gentle voice echoed in the darkness and he turned towards her voice, "and your look of exasperation is wasted upon me in the dark."

"I can make it brighter if you wish," he said petulantly as he shifted and turned his back towards her, trying to look like he was settling to sleep.

"Fear does not make you weak," she continued softly and he snorted.

"I know that," he shot back, feeling easier at throwing biting comments towards her when he could not see her. However, he still could feel a bit of guilt within him for doing that.

"Nor does it make you strong," she said and Loki paused in his shifting, staring ahead at the workstation where his tessellated spell sat on its perch. That was something he did not expect to hear from her...

"Fear is what it is," he thought he heard a bit of triumph in her voice at having gotten his attention, "and it is something all warriors, yes, even those gifted in magicks are warriors of their own right, learn. You may claim to have learned it in the thousand years you are alive, Loki, but you have only truly begun to experience the effects of that lesson."

"What, continuous fear?"

"No," she said and Loki heard her shift in her seat next to his bedside. Unlike Sif who stood by the threshold connecting his chambers together, Lady Frigga always pulled a chair up to his bedside when he was sleeping and it was the few times he knew she had watched over him during the night. "The lesson learned is one is not to aim to conquer fear, but rather to master it. To let it pass before their being until it becomes them."

"To use?"

"Some have used it-"

"Megalomaniacs, people with nothing to lose, like myself-"

"Your father used it," Frigga stated simply and quietly and Loki knew she was talking about Odin.

"He is not my father-"

"He is your father more than Laufey," she cut him off, her soft voice hardening ever so, "and even if he did steal you from the temple on Jotunheim, he loves you."

"I do not-"

"Odin used fear," she cut him off once more, her voice returning to its smooth quiet tone. It was the same tone she used whenever she read bedtime stories to him and Thor in their younger years. "He still uses it to this day. And not in ways you would imagine. Not as a tool of conquering, but as a tool of learning. He learns from the fear he has and uses it to further himself. His fear for you was exactly how he had saw and foresaw. And so he used that lesson learned when you returned."

"By the lack of punishment? By letting me think Thanos wanted me?" Loki muffled half of his voice into his pillows. "Thanos still wants me-"

"And he will not have you, my son," Frigga cut him off, her voice hardening once more before she sighed and he heard the creak of her chair as she shifted in it, "not while your father and I are here. Not while your brother-"

"Thor is not my brother-"

"-not while anyone who cares for you can prevent Thanos from having you," his mother overrode his protest with ease and Loki gritted his teeth together.

"Then you shall find that list quite short," he muttered.

"And you shall find it quite longer than you think it may be," his mother countered.

Loki frowned into his pillow and stared at it for a long moment before speaking quietly, "Why are you telling me this? Do you truly thing I am foolish enough to believe there will be those who jump at my beck and call? No. They betrayed me and they chose their side. The ones you claim on that so-called list are loyal to Thor and do not care for a Frost Giant, an abomination who lives as a Prince amongst them."

"Do you truly think that is what you are? An abomination? A monster?" his mother asked, the tremor of hurt in her voice making Loki grimace, but he forced himself to continue.

"I do not care," he was disgusted that he had to say these words, but Frigga would never understand and would continue to hound him. He did not want her love, yet at the same time, he felt so afraid to reject it. "I am not so weak as to care what they think. I am beyond their thoughts and their opinions. If to their eyes I am a monster than so be it. Their scorn does not affect me. In fact, I embrace the challenge of it. Because I know that I will rise above them. I am not the one to master fear; they are the one who have to master it. They scorn and fear me because they are ignorant and only know thus. I have already mastered it and will use it against them." I will prove to them that I am to be feared, he thought, but did not voice it to Frigga.

"Then use it to teach them what they do not understand. Prove to them the ignorance that they have, the fear they have for the unknown is not to be feared, but to be embraced-"

He laughed bitterly into his pillow and turned over to face the Queen, "Why should I? You cannot change thousands of years of ignorance and of pervasive fear. The Frost Giants-"

"Odin changed," even illuminated by the dim lights coming from the other chamber, Frigga's frown was still beautiful against her sharp features. He had always thought that she had soft features, but it seemed that they had turned sharp and angular, a little wrong in his opinion, but he did not think much of it. Loki remembered that when he was very young he had once asked if all Valkyries looked like her and she had only laughed. "Odin conquered his fear and adopted you."

"Only to have some use of me in the future-"

"Do you fear being used?"

"Yes!" Loki pushed himself up a little and waved for the lamps to be lit with a splash of magic, "No! I do not want to be used."

"And why not?" his mother asked.

He stared at her with incredulous eyes, sleep utterly driven from him, "W-Why? That is...that is the most ridiculous-"

"It is a valid question, Loki," his mother looked at him with a simple gaze, "because the fear of being used will lead to being used."

"And I suppose you know about this," he meant it as a jab, but was surprised when she nodded.

"Surely your tutors and late night studies in the great library told of Asgardian history, am I correct?"

"Yes..." he rearranged the blankets around his lap to at least keep himself somewhat warm as he faced Frigga. "The Asgard are composed of both the Aesir and Vanir, sister races. The Aesir known for their warrior prowess and the Vanir for their magical talents."

"Most of our healers are Vanir, generations of magick bred strong and most of the Aesir are warriors, but there are a few magic-users amongst the Aesir, though they tend to keep to themselves."

"If this is to make me feel better, it's a poor attempt," he interjected dryly and received an arched look from her.

"Hush, my son," she chided him and even though he was at least a thousand years old, he felt instantly like a child with that tone of voice from her, "as I was saying, even though we were sister races, we are still separated by the Bifrost. Alliances were needed between families and one such statement was made when Odin's father ruled."

"No don't say it because it is a lie-"

"Are you so afraid of the truth?" she stared at him and he looked away, unable to meet her sharp blue gaze. But he distinctly remembered that her eyes were a grey-blue...

"You are saying this because I am-"

"Loki, the library has the history of the realms. Every single realm, every single recorded history. You are more than welcomed to peruse it as it is your right as a Prince of the House of Odin. Before I married your father, I was Freya, Crown Princess of the ruling house. I did not want to marry to a boorish man whom was only known for his prowess with the blade."

"Then why..."

"Like I had said before, alliances needed to be made and so I changed my name when your father became King. He took the mantle of Allfather, embracing all there was and to be and I took my name because it was for a time of change. It was to show the others that fear of magicks, fear of what was unknown need not paralyze them and they need not scorn it."

"Good job with it," Loki groused.

Frigga's lips twitched in a tired smile, something that seemed foreign on her, "It is still a work in progress, like all things."

"So what does this have to be with being used?" he asked, hoping that she had lost her point when she had told him of this little story – an absurd tale in his mind.

"Odin uses me to further his goals and I use him to further my goals. Surely you have already witnessed that?"

Loki shook his head, "No..."

"Why do you think your father gave me the domestic Court to run? He could easily dispense with the day-to-day running of Asgard and her people, yet he wishes that the Court know their Queen. Loki, the fear of being used and the fear itself is something not to conquer but to accept it for what it is."

"I do accept it!" he said forcefully, "I accept it and-" He stopped as he shook his head, "Why did you tell me this? Why are you-"

He sensed it then, the pervading wrongness of this...this dream? Reality? Waking dream? And cast his magic out, tugging, pulling at the threads of the weave as he stared at Frigga, only to see that there was something inherently wrong with what she was, a mimicry of who she was. "No..." he whispered, as he backed away from her, twisting against the sheets that suddenly held him fast. He looked around him as he could see the weaves, the pull-

Loki twitched and half fell out of his bed with a start as he gasped, his eyes blinking in the darkness of his chambers. For a few seconds, he thought he was still caught in the dream world as he looked at his surroundings, the familiar blankets, threads, and the softness of the pillow he had been sleeping on, propped up when he had talked to...Frigga in his dream. No, not Frigga. That was not Frigga...

"Bad dream?" Sif's voice was a Norn-send as Loki pulled himself together and took a deep breath, finding his center of calm and was dismayed to feel that his heart was racing.

He did not answer as he pulled himself back onto his bed and sat up, letting the blankets pool onto his lap. He stared at them for a second before roughly pushing them away, the sudden image of them constricting him, holding him in place frightening him. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed that the chair Frigga had sometimes occupied and had occupied in his dream-nightmare had been pulled up next to his bed. It was so easy to imagine her sitting there, saying the things that had sounded so right in that nightmare, yet now reflecting back on the vestigial remnants of his dream was somehow very wrong.

He closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. It was unlike his time in the void, the nothingness that he had experienced for...he did not know how long as time had no meaning there. But he supposed it was because he peeked into the shadows earlier that day, to search for the spell and looking back on that...why he had deluded himself into thinking that his sleep would be uninterrupted after being spotted by Thanos.

"Loki?" he made a noise in the back of his throat at Sif's concern and glared at her through the darkness.

"Shut up," he growled out, "just...shut up."

He thought he heard her take a step back, but could not be too sure in the darkness and waved his hand absently, flooding the room with lights. He squinted for a second as he realized he had brought them up too fast and saw Sif do the same before blinking quickly to allow her sight to adjust. All of them had gone through training to adjust to light and situations quickly and Sif's reaction was normal, which Loki took as a sign that he still was not dreaming.

"Do you still hate me?" he asked, not staring at her and instead, obtusely checked his room, spelling it discreetly for any sign of weaving or anything that would indicate it was a dreamscape.

"What kind of question-"

"Just answer it," so far Sif was acting true to herself, but Loki needed to know.

"I...uh..."

"It's a simple enough of a question," he asked, irritated by her hesitation.

"Yes! Yes I do! You are nothing more than a self bastard who hurts good people for fun. You play pranks and tricks upon others with no thought of the consequence and yet you are not even punished for your actions! Why do you ask me this? You know of it as well as I!"

Loki held up a hand to silence her and to her credit, she immediately did so without having to resort to a spell, as he got up and quickly put on a robe, wrapping it tightly around him to stop the sudden chill of relief that he was truly back in the real world instead of the horrid dreamscape. Still...

"Where are you going-"

"I need to see the Queen. The Allfather must return at once," Loki said as he brushed past her and headed out of his chambers. Sif's sharp footsteps echoed behind him as he headed down the halls.

"Why? Did you foresee something? Is that what you dreamed Loki? Loki?"

"Yes..." he said quietly. I foresaw my doom, he thought. For all that dream about fears and letting it become who he was, Loki could not help but feel deathly afraid. If that was just a sample of what Thanos could conjure for him. He shuddered, pulling the edges of his robe closer to him; he wanted the Allfather back... Thanos will not have what he wants, Odin promised that.

But as soon as Queen Frigga asked how they would get Odin back, Loki realized that he would have to think of something, any excuse for the Allfather to return instead of overseeing the battle on Jotunheim. At least he was not a liesmith for nothing. He would be able to figure out something to bring the Allfather back-

"I cannot send you there," Heimdall's deep voice pulled Loki from his thoughts as he blinked and stared at the Guardian. For a second, he was unable to comprehend his words.

"What?"

"I cannot send you there," Heimdall repeated, staring at him with his golden eyes, "I cannot open the Bifrost when Jotunheim is in such disarray."

"But the Allfather-"

"The risks are too high and the Allfather understood that when he gave me this position," Heimdall reminded him and even though his voice was its usual monotone, Loki sensed a hint of superiority there, directed solely at him. As if to remind him what he already knew. "I will not open the Bifrost onto an open battlefield where I cannot see the enemy."

Loki pursed his lips together as he met the golden-eyed gaze. What Heimdall meant was that he would not open the Bifrost anywhere on the planet until he could see that there were no enemies around. "But if you cannot see, then you cannot fulfill your duty as gatekeeper, could you?" he asked acidly, "and you cannot see this new enemy so you do not know whether or not there are enemies around."

"Nonetheless, I cannot open the Bifrost," Heimdall did not seem perturbed by his accusations.

"Fine then," he huffed before forcing himself to stop the sudden urge to flee at his own words, "I will find the Allfather on Jotunheim."

"But how?" Frigga asked.

"The shadows," he forced himself to smile at her, affecting a completely nonchalant tone even though he could feel the real pervading fear within him. He did not want to step into the shadows, into the void and spaces between Yggdrasil's roots, but Heimdall's refusal to open the Bifrost left him with no choice.

"But we saw-"

"Insignificant," he waved away Sif's sudden suspiciousness, "there are many other paths than the one you saw me conjure up." That, was a very big lie, and he was mildly impressed with his own ability to wave it off so easily in light of the minute trembling he felt in the muscles of his hands. "It would be easy to escape notice when there is none to be had."

"The shadows are a dangerous path Loki," Frigga absently nodded and he found that he was unable to meet her eyes, the nightmare still fresh in his mind even though it had been hours since he had his audience with her to convince her that the Allfather needed to return. But it was she who knew him the best, always accepting of his talents since childhood, the only one unafraid of the magicks he wielded. How much of the words he had heard in his Thanos-influenced nightmare was true? How much of it was falsehoods and wishful thinking on his part? He dared not ask...not now...

"There are dangers all around us," he replied before squaring his shoulders, the plates of his armor clinking together at his movement. He was prepared to open another path, to confront the darkness and shadows even though he did not want to.

"Wait, Loki, I am coming with you-"

"I cannot take another person-"

"Yes you can, you've done it before," Sif frowned at him, "and I was ordered by the Allfather to never let you out of my sight. When you arrive, you will arrive on a battlefield."

"So?" he really did not want to take another person along. It was not that he did not care about Sif's orders, he certainly did not, but rather, he did not want her along as a burden. Sif could hold herself against the enemy very well, but against the enemy? In the chance that he was spotted...no...Sif would become a liability then. And Loki did not want to be responsible for that. For one thing, it would be utterly annoying and for another Thor would never let him hear the end of it.

"The Chitauri-"

"I controlled them and certainly know their weakness, Sif," he shook his head at her, "come now, you must do better than that."

"Then what of the Jotuns?"

"What of them?"

"You are Jotunkiller to them. Anathema," Sif looked a little uncomfortable, but Loki had to give her credit for her resolve, especially in light of her words to him in the library days ago.

"Fitting name," he certainly did not know what to feel with that sort of epithet thrown upon him. And it seemed that the Allfather did not care to tell the Jotuns that he was one of them. It seemed the same way with the Court as with the guards. From his days in Court, all he had heard were murmurs of his actions – of how he had set the Bifrost upon the Jotuns, even if it was deserved, it seemed that the Court followed Thor and Odin's opinion that the destruction of the monsters was to be frowned upon. And it seemed that his return after his failed attempt to conquer Thor's beloved mortals was also frowned upon.

The mortals' sheep had a more varied opinion than Court did. Thor was still the beloved Crown Prince and he, the shadow to the sun. Things had not changed and the Allfather's lack of punishment must have inflamed those perspectives.

"There is a tentative truce with King Helblindi on the account that you had died," it was Frigga's turn to look uncomfortable.

"And since I am here, they would not look too kindly upon my sudden arrival, would they?" he muttered before shaking his head, "then perhaps they would not mind a dead man to walk amongst them. A figment of their imagination and blame it upon two and half days worth of fighting amongst the Chitauri."

"Loki!" Frigga frowned, "do not jest about such things!"

He shrugged in return, but did as she had asked. He could not be bothered with nonsensical things at the moment, not with the pressing urgency of actually having the Allfather nearby. It was not fear that drove him, but rather the feeling that had been growing since the Allfather went to Jotunheim. It seemed that the Allfather's presence repelled Thanos' boldness; otherwise, he knew that he would not have been spotted trying to find the spell to sense the Chitauri under their illusion.

Yet at the same time he did not understand why the Allfather had left to deal with the situation on Jotunheim. There was the excuse of a tentative peace treaty, but Loki figured the Allfather would have given command of the battle to General Tyr or even one of the Warriors like Faendral. Surely Odin must have known that all these battles were distractions, skirmishes designed to weaken Asgard's defenses, to leave them vulnerable to whatever attack Thanos would launch at them. The Allfather had even practically hinted that he knew it to be a distraction...so why would he personally go to Jotunheim.

There was nothing there...nothing worth-

"Nonetheless, he must be brought back. I will cloak myself-"

"And me," Sif interjected and Loki sighed.

"And Sif," he grudgingly acknowledged her tagging along with him. At the very most, she would be able to provide some distraction if not excuse if they were discovered by the Jotuns on the battlefield. At the very least, she would be so terrified of traveling through the darkness that she will not pester him about it next time, orders or not. "And ask the Allfather to return."

"You would take him within the shadows?!" Heimdall sounded mildly horrified, and Loki rolled his eyes at the Guardian. To think that after all was said and done, Heimdall would have welcomed an opportunity for someone to learn about the shadowy paths, especially one like the Allfather. The Asgardians were so rooted in their ways it was utterly laughable and embarrassing in Loki's opinion.

"No," he replied, "I would show the Allfather the cloaking spell so he would be able to undo whatever has been done. Then you can open the Bifrost and return us to Asgard." Where he rightfully belongs...keeping his promise.

Before any other protest came from Frigga or Heimdall, Loki lifted his hands up and pulled at the skeins of the Observatory and Bifrost to peer into the shadows and void once more, drawing apart the fabrics of time and space itself. When he had first learned the spell, he had spent so much time staring at the threads that wove through the Bifrost itself and at Yggdrasil's power that he had not realized at least two days had passed on Asgard until Thor had barged into his room to see if he had starved himself or had been kidnapped. That extra moment of commotion had allowed Loki to hide his new knowledge, forbidden knowledge as he had obtusely asked the Allfather afterwards, but a fascinating and dangerous knowledge indeed.

Thedarkwhydoesitsitinsilence -whycanitnotscream

Loki took a step back before holding out his hand to Sif, noting out of the corner of his eye the fascinated yet horrified looks on the others' faces. Even Heimdall looked surprise, his golden eyes widening minutely. He had to admit, even though he had long been used to walking in the shadows of the void, it was a fascinating contrast to the golden splendor of the Observatory. A ripple and aberration that by all rights should not exist, it looked like something out of nightmares. Tangled skeins and sinews of magic crackled with unchecked tendrils that seeming wanted to latch on and grow like parasites against everything and anything that was living.

"Sif," he called and felt her put her hand in his. Her long thin fingers, calloused with use of weapons, similar to his own though his calluses were different due to the weapons he used, trembled. Her brown eyes were wide with fear, her mouth a thin line as she tried to gather up her courage.

"It's better, if you close your eyes," he felt a little bit of sympathy towards her, after all, he could not blame her for the fascinating fear and horror she was currently experiencing. It was his exact reaction when he discovered the spellwork and skeins.

"N-No...there...there will be enemies when we exit," she shook her head and Loki smiled a little. He had to give Sif credit for her bravery, even though it was a little foolish.

Screamformepleasescreamforme -justalittletinyscreamisallIa sk

Loki gathered himself and pulled on the roots of Yggdrasil, seeing the distant blue-white of Jotunheim growing closer and closer, taking one step through-

Author's Notes:

Formatting for the void's voice is not letting me mash all the words together, so please bear with me. Chapter is deliberately ended like the above sentence. Moving on, random facts: Ravens are huge-assed birds. Never realized how big they were until I visited the Tower of London. Even though those ravens are well-fed and pampered little birds, they are also extremely clever and love to scare the tourists. I know I got freaked out when one landed next to me and stared up at me. Huugin and Muugen's characterizations are based off of the ravens of the Tower of London – may they rule the roost forever.