I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
The Reason by Hoobastank
Chapter 6: Reasons
Bliss is a fragile thing. It can be easily broken but near impossible to obtain at times when one's self is doubted. I closed my eyes and wished away all the voices and sounds, memories, far, far away from my consciousness. The problem was that all the voices didn't belong to anyone around me.
They echoed fervently in my mind, refusing to be dispelled, refusing to bid my wishes, refusing to bend to my will. I wished, prayed them away. I wanted, however much I hated it or denied it, my alter-ego, Hemorrhage, to conquer and control my mind, whisk me away to oblivion where I couldn't be haunted by my memories anymore.
'Mikan! Let's go for a picnic!'
I winced. The memory of Anna and Nonoko's sweet voices calling to me to join them for a picnic to celebrate the anniversary of our friendship with a feast concocted by the Cooking Alice wielder and an assortment of drinks, thankfully harmless, whisked up by the Potion Alice wielder rang fresh in my memory.
'Mikan! Let's copy each other's homework so Jinno doesn't kill us!'
Koko. How much had I hurt him with the painful days of my past? I was so sorry that I'd done that to him. It was far more cruel than anything I'd ever done. I shut my eyes tighter, unwilling them to open for if I did, I would be compelled to go back home. I banished that memory from my mind but it didn't wish it. It stuck to me like glue.
'Your crying face makes you thirty percent less graceful to me.'
I remembered that familiar phrase of Hotaru's that always reminded me that the girl I was, Sakura Mikan, to smile always and never be ungrateful or unhappy about something…when I used to live that life. In the past, two weeks ago, a time that felt like a century ago (or rather four chapters ago). Back then, everything didn't matter much, just children playing around, fooling a way of life.
'You'll always be my friend.'
The words Ruka uttered to me when I turned down his confession two years ago. I felt myself blush even if I couldn't be sure. I would always remember Ruka as one of my best friends. He always cared and supported me. I recalled when he gave up his three stars in favor of equality. I smiled at his kind personality. He was so dear to me and always would be as he was like my big brother.
'I'll always come back, Polkadots.'
I felt a pain in my chest as I imagined his ridiculously handsome and beautiful face in my mind's eyes, taunting me, whirling about my thoughts. I wasn't sure if I loved him truly. I thought I did. Remembering that incident at the Sports Day, I was sure it was him but I didn't say anything in fear of erecting the obvious answer; rejection when I knew it was him beneath the mask. I'd always thought that some day, in that far off future I wasn't sure I was entitled to, I'd end up with him. I'd entertained that idea for so long, I'd never thought I was impossible, that it would never come true.
But that was like thinking I was free.
But I knew that I'd never let go of that hope, that secret fantasy, secretly praying for our futures to possibly intertwine, even if the leaves of the vines were the only things that touched. To be honest, I'd pictured us walking out of the Academy, hand-in-hand, him smiling that smile I thought suited him best; small yet truly happy. I laughed at my naivety now. Thinking that I'd be free to have my own life and world was something that was nigh impossible.
So, I let go of everything, wishing again for silence…and I opened my eyes.
Okinawa.
Everything was as beautiful as I remembered all those years ago when I first found this place. But now, dressed in autumn hues, everything glistened with the magic of rebirth. I imagined elves and fairies, precious shards of fantasy I was taught to trust in, peeking from under the leaves of orange, red and yellow. The faint bubbling of a nearby, a marker to my base, played an accompaniment to the song of the wind, whispering all the secrets of the world. The swaying of the trees were the dancers to the sonata of the animal's concerto. The melody of silence was andante again and again around me.
I was deep in the recesses of a country forest, near a village far from the city.
Perfect, I thought. The thought of an intimate relationship with isolation was calming to me, knowing that I'd never hurt another soul. Solace would be my best friend, its cousin silence coming close second. I'd always played the lonely one when I was younger, training. It'd always been like that.
But I missed Nagoya. It was charming in spring, cherry blossoms haunting ever branch. But in autumn, my favorite season, everything was bursting alive with color, nothing plain or boring. I used to lie on my back as the leaves fell all around me, creating a collage of fire. I saw Natsume's eyes in autumn, the very essence in those two eyes that always mesmerized me.
Why was I thinking of him again? And so much? Perhaps because I hadn't seen him for well over three weeks, closer to a month? Maybe because we'd been close at the ending of my stay? Maybe because some feeling lingered in my heart for him? No. But … nevermind that now. I just miss him like I did the others. He was like…a relative? No. He was my close friend and I care about him like I do everyone else. Like always, he'd tease me like his younger sister. That was all I was to him.
Right?
Brushing insignificant thoughts away from the mosh-pit that was my mind, I found myself staring at a small cottage I'd built with my very own two hands. I'd created this place when I first ran away, a safe haven where I could always come home to when I was fearful. It was dirty now, everything coated with a light layer of dust and grime. A makeshift bed sat in a tiny corner, a complete kitchen in the other. On the back of the door, a piece of paper, yellowed with age with something scribbled on it.
Hope you like what we did!
No, nothing is going to explode or intent deadly harm.
See you soon!
-Miura and Maki
I smiled and decided that maybe they weren't so bad after all.
Everywhere, a small piece of home was there. I didn't feel like it was properly home. What was it that they used to say? Home is where the heart is. But heart wasn't here. It was in the Academy, where my friends were, where my life was, where my 'family' used to reside. It was there that I belonged yet could not fit in. I was a contradicting idiot.
Just knowing that the Academy was my home made it all the harder to stay away from that which I loved. I breathed, struggling to keep myself from breaking down into a frustrated sob. I didn't want to cry. I detested it. I'd cried many times in the Academy.
No…
Mikan cried many times in the Academy. Hemorrhage didn't. Hemorrhage didn't cry for sadness, happiness, anger, fear, and mainly of late, for Natsume. Sakura Mikan did.
I didn't.
With no sense to ask why, the times when I saw him limping after a mission, injured and hurting, feeling as though the weight of the world was on his shoulders, tears would spring to my eyes and I would leap at the chance to help him dress his wounds. I'd convinced myself that I would swear to never let him or any of my friends be hurt.
Like Kaori.
Kaori Irahime.
Everything she fought for, every thing she believed in, was in vain. My only true companion in Janus, she cared for me. She protected me. Until that need to protect became an obsession, she was 'disposed of' and I never once saw her again.
Then I remembered. He called them liars, all there to help in his plan of weakening her. The teachers were their cronies? And the Black Cat? I winced as I felt that familiar spear pierce my heart. A monetary expense? Did that mean he was paid to act as a distant friend? A friend at all? Was Hotaru the same? She had a fetish for money. So…what did everything mean?
I shut my eyes and I laughed that horrible dry and sad laugh. I'd never believed him to start with. He would never infiltrate the Academy. Hirazuki Idare, the second hand man I Janus, was never that willing to risk. He was lying. But I ran anyway. It was knowledge that they knew where I was. All along. I was there and they found me…and their wanting me back spooked me into running.
So…here I was…what now?
Fires flickered forlornly in the dark. Every face, dirty and sorrowful, shadowed by the fiery hues the candles of prayer gave off. I watched those around me as Dalta whispered her prayers to the fire, Maki's name carved into the scented wax of the candle. We didnt understand what she prayed as she muttered in Latin. As the flame grew dimmer, so did our hope. Maki, our leader, was dead. If he could be dead, what promised that we wouldn't?
The flame guttered out, a sign that his soul had flown. Hopefully, to a world with no shadows.
Over the past decade, our numbers had dwindled to near nothing. The resistance didn't do much to staunch the blood that flowed out of the gaping wound of Janus that'd steadily grown larger. Our latest, and by far, the best plan to nip this problem in the bud was to get Sakura to kill that man. She was only who'd ever been indulged the secret of killing immortals, having been prepared to take on the leadership.
"Miura," Dalta said. I looked up and saw her eyes fixated on mine. "It's time. Hyuuga is locked in the Behemoth cell. We can do nothing for him while he rests there. Sakura is our last chance. We must find her. If she walks into that trap, everything we've worked for will go up in smoke."
"I've had it!" I heard. I turned my tired eyes to the boy behind me. Out of the four of us, minus Raion who was in my place, searching for Sakura, Kaitou was the most hotheaded one. I once told Maki and he said it was because he was the youngest. I'd protested that maturity had nothing to do with chronological age but he said Kaitou didn't understand the full extent of his temper.
He threw his plate down and it landed with a loud clang! "I don't want to hide anymore! I'm sick of having to play as Janus's operative. Why don't we just kill that blasted charlatan? We can do without bloody Sakura!"
"Maki said-…"
"Wake up from the dream! Maki is dead, Sato!" he exclaimed, shooting to his feet. "You always lean back to this stupid plan of his. You can't always hide behind the shadow of his memory anymore, Sato. He is dead, face that fact or walk away like a coward. So, can we not just follow our instincts and kill Janus?"
"That's enough, Kaitou!" Dalta roared. She stood and the flames stood with, flickering with ferocity. "You must stop this incessant berating of Miura. It is not any of our faults that Maki has passed. He went his own way and fate already had this in store for him. It is not our place to meddle and pray for a different outcome." She breathed a sigh of frustration. "But we cannot dash head-on into some thing that determines our deaths or lives. If we die, who will carry the burden? Every he did, everything he died for would have been in vain."
"You're certainly right, Dalta," I said quietly as she smiled triumphantly. I'd buried my face in my hands, calloused and shaking. Shamefaced at Kaitou's cruel but true words, I whispered. "But without Maki, we're as good as dead."
"We have Sakura," she retorted defiantly, unwilling to shatter her hope.
"She would be enough but who is to say if she would be at all willing to help us? She might fall into his trap if the wrong steps are taken. If we do not have her, or any means, nor the knowledge of how to kill immortals, who else would besides that devil incarnate or Sakura? Who else? We don't know."
'Ah. But I do," a voice, dry and slimy, drawled. All three of us whirled around to find a man in a black cloak. Two others, around our age walked in behind him.
A raven haired shrew with violet eyes, curious and intelligent but also blank with sorrow, stood boldly next to the man. In her hand, she held a small compact object. The other one, a golden haired prince with a white rabbit in his hands, probed their faces with azure eyes. They stood a contrast to each other.
"You!" I exclaimed. He was the man who were with Hyuuga's two other friends who were standing near him. I'd released them in the direction of the south wing where security was at the lowest minimum they'd ever allowed. "What the heck are you doing here?"
"I am here to offer my services and assistance to your…quaint little rebellion," he said. I stiffened at the indirect insult. The other two had huddled in a corner, the young girl's fingers tapping on the small laptop and the rabbit was squirming about in the boy's lap. I looked at the corner in silent mortification.
It used to be where Maki sat and thought out everything. He used to tell us about the freedom we'd one day share when we were rid of everything. Used to…in a time so long ago it seemed. "We don't want or need your help," I said.
"You certainly do."
"Why?"
"Because I know the secret to killing Immortals."
My eyes lit up at the instant hope. "Who are you?"
"My name's Persona," he said. "I'm a guardian and the traitor of the secret."
He looked at us as if hesitating on a piece of information. But if he hesitated, he didn't show.
"Plus, I'm brother to Janus."
Silence…
Everywhere around me, that word whispered endlessly around me; a world of illusion. My legs were crossed under me, meditation my current state of mind.
The silent chirping of the birds surrounded me as the morning dew dampened the ground. I breathed evenly as my thoughts swiveled around me. Janus was planning something. I could feel it to the bones of my body. They'd been inactive for far too long of a period and that would certainly not do. Janus, that bloody devil of a man, was too much of a sadistic idealist to have held out for this long.
I opened my eyes and found myself looking at Raion Kehara. He was panting, tired obviously, and a sort of pained look of loss occupied his eyes. "Sakura," he said, his throat dry. "I finally found you…and…"
"And…?"
"I need you to come back to Tokyo with me, back to the Academy. There's trouble and we need you to help us. Janus is planning something." I knew it. I knew too much about that man to think otherwise. But I looked curiously looked in his eyes for any signs of treachery. Nothing but panicked relief washed them. His request puzzled me. He was asking me for help? Back then, he never liked me; scrawny but strong and dangerous as I was told to be. But we share a mutual bond of respect with each other. Return to Alice Academy? That was behind me. "Something has happened. The status quo has changed drastically and a radical plan had been set in motion. You have to come with me!"
I raised my eyebrows at that exclaim. "I don't have to," I said dryly, obviously put out with his talking. And boy, did he talk fast. Five me one good reason to why you're asking me this pointless question and a cause to follow what you say, and we'll see what happens, okay, dude?" I laughed inwardly. It'd been a while since I'd talked to someone my age.
I left that glade and he followed suit behind me right into my home. I poured us both tea. Ah, Earl Grey; the one good thing he taught me. The embodiment of the eternal elixir, or so he said in his own words. I just thought it was good for me. "So, are you going to explain?"
"Yeah, sure," he complied in a sort of…discouraged voice. He warmed his hands with the heat given out by the tea as he wrapped slender fingers, calloused and thick-skinned, around the porcelain. "I got word from Miura several nights ago to find you in his stead. Apparently, he and Maki were having a…disagreement. I don't know about what about but Miura stayed behind to help with this 'slight crisis' he called it. So, I started for Nagoya. Then, Maki told me it was unlikely that you'd go there 'cause he warned you, jerk."
"Yep," I answered. "He did. I didn't think to trust him at first. But his little speech about changing did me in so I took precautions. I changed directions and headed here, to Okinawa, a place almost no one knows about. But apparently he did. What do you mean by 'jerk'?"
I watched as his face paled and the raw pain occupy his eyes again. It was almost as though someone had died. "He…" he whispered. "Uh, Maki…died." I felt my own face pale then color again. Maki? How? I was furious. He was never one of my friends but he was a comrade. And he died. I promised I wouldn't let anyone die ever again!
Remember Mikan. For every person you save, there's someone you don't save.
The memory of that answer to my cavalier question years ago resounded in my mind. My grandfather taught me what Janus couldn't: morals and love. That sentence was something I lived by. I swore that would never come true. I promised.
Now that the rage of failing that promise was aroused, I spurred myself into a forced calm. "Who killed him?"
"Janus."
I swore colorfully. "I knew I should have just gone to that blasted headquarters and killed him then." I closed my eyes. "Still, just because he killed another…innocent soul, I do not have a valid or competent reason to follow back to that cursed Academy. So, what's your trump card?"
Raion breathed heavily. I saw the barest trace of tears at the corner of his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Sakura."
"Stop that," I said. "Call me Mikan already. We've known each other for years. Might as well use our names, Raion."
"Right, but," he said, a tiny smile playing on his lips. Then, he turned grim. "I am so sorry to have to be the one to have to tell you this." He sighed. "I heard from headquarters that they'd found your friends sneaking around, looking for some information on your whereabouts. We got most of them safely to our hideout. Most of them are that inventor, Imai, Nogi, Yome and, apparently Janus's brother, Persona."
"Who is missing?" I asked, my voice horribly dry and devoid of any emotion.
"They have Hyuuga."
I didn't notice as I smashed the table. It cracked into two halves. But I didn't notice. My eyes were blazing with anger, I could feel it. "Where are they?"
"I don't…"
"Tell me where the hell they are, Raion, if you want to live!" I roared. The whole house seemed to shake. Then silence reigned. I felt my heart jump oddly. Not a funny feeling. The warm fuzzy feeling I had lately when I talked about Natsume. This was a mix of fury, sorrow and…what was it? "I need to find them. I swore I'd never let them get hurt."
Raion held his hand out. "Come on," he said, a tiny smile playing on his lips. "We have to get going to the Academy. It's the only way we'll get Hyuuga back, right?" I looked at him, sure enough that my eyes were self-pitying. Return to the Academy from which I had run from? The bile stuck itself in my throat.
"Can I?" I whispered aloud. He looked at me. "I just nearly destroyed their home, Raion. Who is to say if I am even welcome there? What would they say? They'd throw me out the moment they spotted me. What if that happened? I wouldn't be able to take it."
"They'd never do that."
"How'd you know? You've never lived in those walls and loved it like I did," I retorted. "All you've ever known is that bloody hellhole Janus. Unlike that place where they either kill you or torture you, in the Academy, they'll judge you and point out the wrongs you've done. They'll alienate you and cast you out. What makes you think they'll help me?"
"Because it was your home too. No, it is your home. They're your family and family will always be with you no matter what happens. That's how it works. Even as humans are cruel, we care, we're compassionate…and forgiving. Miura and the rest will meet us there. So, will you come with me?"
Return? I was seriously contemplating that possibility. I closed my eyes and I imagined the memories I had carefully stored away of the six years I'd lived there. Everything seemed so far away…so impossible. Returning to the recent past, the lovely dream I'd run away from, it was so candid and child-like, it seemed ethereal; like it vanish in a puff of smoke the moment I could touch it.
It was a risk and I loved it.
I opened my eyes and took Raion's outstretched hand and followed him to the only light that shone in my past.
The Academy…
How I missed it.
Darkness swirled around me. The knowledge that they'd drugged me with some sort of chloroform that kept me in the dark was threatening. If they had me in constant fog, I'd be useless. So, I looked around me, candlelight the only source to see. They'd trapped me in a cell in a medieval part of the fort.
I heard a couple of men around the corner as they gulped down what sounded like beer. They chugged themselves until they were probably drunk. I was sure this time, I'd get the information I need without having to resort to…painful methods. I clanged the bars with my chains, the metals creating a ruckus. A man, dark-haired, a burly man of around thirty came into view with an apparent drunkard's gait.
"What do you want, you gutter frog?" he slurred like a drag king or something. I twitched in disgust. "Some of us are actually trying to get some…aw, hell, I think I had too much to drink."
"Okay," I attempted. "Could you do me a favor? See, I'm a complete kiss-up for gossip. Since, according to your head honcho up there, I'm supposed to be dead after they get Sakura, care to fill me in on the latest info as like a, going-away-to-damnation present?"
He actually laughed then thought about it. He shook his head in agreement. I laughed at the imaginary face of that two faced man in my mind. I loved the intoxication of alcohol in a man's system. It's like an art or something.
"Word on the street is, Sakura was zeroed on in Okinawa. Brought the whole shack down in a burning inferno," he said. I felt my insides grip in fear. Was she dead? "Janus was in a foul mood. They searched for a body but nada! She wasn't there. I wouldn't put it past her though. She is good. Trained by that god himself!" I breathed again. She wasn't dead. There was still hope. "We're transporting you to Nagoya next week. Not sure how, but you're being taken by Hirazuki. He's second in the ranks. After Sakura."
I smirked as he swaggered away. On my collar, a transmitter slash recorder bleeped to life.
A/N:Right, I wanna thank everyone who has reviewed this so far...I was thinkign about deleting this at first since no one liked it very much...I dunno reali. the thought is ringing around in my mind...aw, i dunno..haha...thanks lotz to JC-Zala for all to her support and to melissa1995, if you cant understand the English? dun bother reading it or use a dictionary! sorry if i sound rude but seriously. Stop acting so whiny and stuff...