The mention of Dallas and Johnny and the knowledge that Pony had spent the afternoon at the cemetery, along with my new fears about Darry's safety made any further possibility of meaningful efforts at studying pretty much futile. I closed my door and opened a few books so if Darry surprised me I would look the part, but really I just lay on my bed thinking. I could hear Soda and Darry talking in the kitchen as Darry cooked, and strained to hear what they were saying.

"I don't even know those guys, Soda… I'm not going to stop doing good work or charging a fair price just because a few losers can't handle it."

I couldn't make out Soda's response, but I guess he was worried the guys might come after the rest of us, because Darry's response was clear.

"It's me they want, not any of the rest of you. Hell, if they wanted to hurt Scout, they've had two chances already and they didn't touch her. Don't worry about that."

"I don't like it, Dar, that's all. We can't afford to have anything happen to you. I mean, not just financially, but as a family. We need you around here. Especially Scout."

"I know, Soda." Darry must have motioned to him to keep it down because the rest of their conversation was unintelligible.

I lay there and stared at the ceiling, trying to remember what it had felt like a year ago, when I didn't feel the pain of having lost people I love, the fear and shame of having been hurt myself, and the worries about what would happen to my brothers and me in the days to come. I felt a sort of mourning for that Scout I had been a year ago - the Scout that still believed in the world as a largely good and safe place. That Scout, naïve and innocent, was gone, and likely never to return. I wished I were her.

"Pony, Scout… Dinner!"

Darry's voice startled me so much that I actually jumped, knocking a few books onto the floor. I sighed, picking them up and tossing them back on the bed. I stared at myself in the mirror and tried to look less unhappy than I was feeling. I couldn't explain it, I just felt heavy-hearted. All of a sudden, the events that had occurred over the past year seemed piled one on top of each other in my mind, and I felt like the pile might just get higher and higher and weigh more and more heavily on my heart. I had felt sad before, for sure, but this was something different. I remembered my literature teacher telling us some German word that some author had made up for the sadness that people feel when they think about all the evils of the world. I couldn't remember the word, but that was just how I felt. World-weary.

"Scout, c'mon." Darry was knocking on my door. "It's getting cold."

I opened the door, following Darry out into the kitchen. Soda and Pony were still all hyped up about the fight and had quite a lively banter going on. I just wasn't in the mood. I ate silently. At one point Soda caught me staring at my plate.

"Scout, you okay?"

"What?" I snapped out of my daze. "Oh, yeah, I'm okay. Just tired, I guess."

"Yeah, well you're in bed early tonight, no arguing," Darry said. "How many exams do you have tomorrow?" I couldn't wait for exams to be over just so Darry would stop bugging me about them.

"Three. I made up the English today."

"You, Pone?"

"I have three, too."

"Alright, well, I'll come pick you two both up on my lunch. You be out front, okay? I can't afford to be missin' time because you two are goofing off with friends somewhere."

I didn't answer, but Pony mumbled an "okay."

Darry ordered Pony and me both back to studying immediately after dinner, and Soda fell fast asleep on the couch, victim to another pain pill. I sort of wished he hadn't; I wanted to talk to him about what he had been talking about with Darry. Knowing Soda was worried about those guys, too, certainly didn't help me feel any better about the situation.

I knew I couldn't focus well enough to study anything, so I grabbed a piece of paper and started drawing on it. I had nowhere near the talent Ponyboy did, but there was something calming about it, tracing a line onto a blank sheet of paper and making it turn into something meaningful. When I was done, I had a halfway decent rendering of Darry's truck. I never could draw people - just things - but somehow they took on the characteristics of the people they belonged to. It was his truck in the picture but, in my mind, I had put Darry's spirit into the image. People were too dynamic for me to capture accurately, but they always rubbed off a little bit on their posessions, and that is what I drew.

After a while, things had grown quiet in the kitchen and I decided that that was as good a time as any to go talk to Darry about my coach's offer. I wandered out into the kitchen to find him sitting at the table with paper and a pen. I stood behind his chair and put my hands on his shoulders, giving what I was sure had to be a pathetically sub-par backrub compared to the ones Soda gave him.

"Mmmm. You're definitely improving," he said. "but it won't get you out of studying. Or going to bed early."

"I just need a break," I lied. I pulled out the chair next to his and sat down. "What are you doing?" His paper was covered with numbers. Math. Darry definitely got all the math genes in the family. And he actually liked it.

"Trying to come up with a quote for a job out on the West side."

"Oh," I answered. I didn't really know how to talk to Darry about his job, I didn't really know much about how it all worked. I guess he knew I was thinking about more than just that though.

"What's up, Scout? You're way too quiet. I'm sorry again about the fight. But if you had did like I said and gone inside, you wouldn't have had to see that."

"I know."

"So, is that what you're upset about?"

"They know where you work, right? I mean, what if they come after you at work? Then you'd be all alone." I had planned to just talk to him about the babysitting but this had been eating away at me bit by bit.

"They won't attack me on a site. They think they can't get jobs now, they'll have even more trouble if they get themselves a reputation for that kind of crap."

I considered that, but didn't quite buy into it. I knew he didn't want me worrying, so he would have downplayed it, no matter what.

"Scout, listen. You have enough to worry about without putting me on the list. Please, don't worry about me, okay? I'm a big boy."

I grinned at that. Darry was bigger than big, for sure. But those guys had been big, too.

"Okay, so now that you got that off your chest, think you can get back in there and study?"

"I can't even think anymore, Darry. I mean it. My brain is full."

"Well, you just freed up some space in there taking your worries about me off the slate."

I didn't answer. He stared at me and I looked away, knowing he could read me like a book most of the time.

"Okay, baby, what else?" I couldn't possibly explain my world-weariness to him – I didn't even understand that myself, really, but there was one more thing nagging incessantly at my mind.

"Do you know… I mean, I've just been wondering…"

"Just say it."

"What happened to Steve?" I felt myself tense up as I said his name. I knew from Ponyboy that he hadn't been in school, but I just needed to know what was going on. I wondered if Soda and the others had hurt him so badly that he was still in the hospital. I didn't know why I needed so badly to know what was going on with him, but I did.

"He's not going to touch you again, Scout. I promise."

"I know. I just… was wondering. I mean, where is he? Pony says he hasn't been in school."

"Honestly, I don't know. When Soda called in to tell his boss that he got hurt, he said Steve hasn't been at work either. Never called in, or anything."

I stared at the table. Not knowing didn't settle my thoughts at all.

"Look at me," Darry took my hand in one of his and lifted up my chin with the other so I had to look at him. "You are safe here. I swear it. I don't care if Sherman's army shows up in our yard, I will not let anything happen to you again. Neither will Soda or Pony. Okay?"

"Okay," I agreed, half-lying. That was part of my new knowledge… nothing was completely safe.

"Now can you go study?" Darry asked, squeezing my hand.

"Actually, there's one other thing."

"Shoot."

"Well, my coach tracked me down today because he wanted me to ask you about something."

"Me? What?"

"Well, really he was asking me something but he knew I would have to ask you for permission."

"Okay… so what is it?"

"Don't say no right away, okay? Just hear me out." I had a feeling he was going to be against it, at least at first.

"I'm trying to do that, but you're not giving me a whole lot to go on, so far." I guessed that was a pretty fair comment, so I just put it out there.

"He wanted to ask me to babysit for his daughter this summer. Just in the mornings."

"Scout, you don't know anything about little kids. You're never around any."

"That's not true. I've been around Uncle Pat's kids. Ryan was only two the last time we went down there and I did okay with him."

"Scout, I don't think…"

"I can help out with the money, Darry. While Soda's not working. I know I won't make as much, but, it will be some help. I feel bad, Darry. You and Soda have to work all the time… I want to help. He even said he can pick me up and bring me home."

"What's he going to pay you?"

"Seventy-five cents an hour… four hours a day, five days a week. I don't know how much that is, you know how much I hate math."

He laughed.

"So… can I? He's going to call tomorrow night and see if you said okay, then I can go over on Sunday and he can show me what I have to do."

"I don't know, baby…"

"You know I'm responsible enough."

"It's not that. It's just… you're only twelve. You're supposed to be spending your summer being a kid, not working. God, Mom and Dad would never have let one of us work all summer when we were your age."

"It's just for June and July. I'll still have August to be a kid, Dar. And every afternoon."

He sighed.

"I'm not gonna pretend we don't need the money, because I know you know we do… but it just feels bad, Scout. You shouldn't have to work."

"Neither should you," I said softly, standing back up and rubbing his shoulders again, from behind. "but we have to do what has to be done to stay together. I don't mind. Really. I want to. And I want to go to court, too." I hadn't said anything, but I was hoping anything we could get from winning in court would be enough for Darry to go back to school. "Please, Darry? Let me help?"

"Look, I'll make a deal with you, okay? You put all these thoughts out of your head, just for tonight, and get some sleep. Let me get this quote figured out, and you finish your exams, and tomorrow, I promise, I will sit down with you and we'll figure it all out. Until then, I'll have time to think about it, okay? Deal?"

I had a feeling that was the best answer I was going to get out of him right then, so I quit rubbing his shoulders and reached around, hugging him from behind.

"Deal," I said. "You need me to double check any of this math for you?" I added, tapping at his paper filled with numbers.

"I think I'm all set." He stood up, holding my arms tight around his shoulders so he lifted me off the floor in a piggyback. He carried me into my room and dropped me backwards on my bed.

"Bedtime," he said. "No worries, okay. Just sleep."

"I'll try," I promised. That was, honestly, the best I could do.

..................................................................

A/N: Thanks for your reviews. They are greatly appreciated. FYI, the German word for "world-weary" is "weltschmerz"