CHAPTER SIX
Charlotte and Drew entered the office that had become more familiar than comfortable. Charlotte flopped down in a large comfy chair near the door. Drew sat alone on the couch, on the farthest side away from Charlotte. When Dr. Grace entered, she took her usual seat in her favorite spot. She clicked her pen, signaling the beginning of the session.
"We have a few more things to work out before we go much further. The show wants a tell-all, and I'm prepared to give them that. First let me finish divulging my secrets, then explain to us how we can tell Angelica this troubling news," Charlotte began.
"Probably live on camera in front of everyone," Drew muttered.
"I'm sensing more resentment than usual to your situation," Dr. Grace said, making a note. She no longer hid if she was writing or not, not that she could hide. Charlotte's seat gave her a perfect view of the doctor and whatever she was doing, namely thanks to a metallic vase on the wall. Charlotte could see everything, though she couldn't make out what the girl was writing.
"Again, they want us to do a tell-all, not just of what we were going to say about our affairs, but everything. The producer came to us just this morning and demanded plenty of material. It's going to be a two-hour special and we're their best bet for views. Might as well get it over with or they'll just drag us through the courts," Charlotte said, practically growling, as Drew sat with his arms crossed.
"To begin with your second question, Charlotte, no one has to tell anyone anything they do not wish to, and that goes for the show as well. They cannot come to me to air your secrets, and if you fight hard enough in court, they can't drag them out of you that way. Everything you say is your choice. Airing secrets with your daughter is different, therapeutic even. She needs to be told whatever you're willing to tell her, but the show-"
"Contracts are powerful things, Dr. Grace. Stop trying to convince us it's a-okay to break ours because it's not. Because of my stupid brother we're all prisoners to that damned company," Drew spat, and no one stopped him from being so angry. He grabbed a plush toy from the table and started to choke it while Dr. Grace looked on stoically.
"I'm sorry for attempting to help you. If you feel you have no choice, then you have no choice. I guess we should discuss the topics here so you can tell your secrets with plenty of control. Who would like to go first?" Dr. Grace asked, her eyes moving between the couple. But it was clear that Drew's secrets were done. Like before, it was Charlotte who had more to tell.
"Where do I begin?" Charlotte sighed, clearing her throat. "Well, let's clarify some numbers, shall we? So we both have the same number of actual affairs, extramarital relationships. Yes, we're both even at seven total. But partners? I don't believe I have a number for that."
"Please clarify," Dr. Grace said.
Drew scoffed, "Let your mind go to the gutter, Doctor. She's telling you exactly what you think she's telling you. Don't let your degree get in the way of imagination."
"Drew is right, dear. It's unbecoming," Charlotte muttered, nodding, "He's right. I have no idea who all I've been with, but the internet has been around a long time. I would go into chat rooms, find locals or people wherever I was visiting, and we'd hook up. A few times in Vegas it was even for more playing money, but we won't tell anyone about that."
"Drew, how does this make you feel?" Dr. Grace inquired.
Drew laughed, "How cute. You think she's done. Charlotte, keep going. And Doctor? I've heard it all before, or at least I expected it. Charlotte has always been promiscuous. It's something I have to live with."
"He's right. I've always been a little loose, which means mistakes were made. Angelica came before I could do anything about it, not that I mind my daughter. But Drew and I both decided the other three were not destined to be. Three less children to lie to, he said. Plus his brother and his wife were already concerned about how Angelica came to be because of his accident. Stu was there, of course, so he knew Angelica was either a miracle or a problem. Three other children would only confirm my reputation," Charlotte explained.
"Now she's done," Drew said firmly, "and we need to know what to say. I plan on playing the supportive husband who wants desperately for this to work, so he puts up with his wife's indiscretions as if they never happened in the first place. She needs to play the devastated woman who's seeking help for said indiscretions, but she needs to know what to do. That's your job."
"Okay, let me just tell you both something that I should've made clearer from the beginning. I will not help you play some role on a reality show. I took you both on to help you with your issues in private, and while it's your choice to discuss these topics with whoever you want, I can't help you method act," Dr. Grace said with anger that neither spouse knew she was capable of. "If that's all you want from me, I'll have to ask you to leave now. I won't be a part of this."
Drew and Charlotte exchanged glances, but it was Charlotte who spoke, "I'm not looking to method act. I'm looking to live my screwed up life with a little ammo on my belt, which means figuring out how to tell millions of people how I messed up. It's not my problem this is what I'm stuck with. Talk to his brother. He's the one who woke up one day with five deals before him and decided to sign one and include the rest of us. No consideration for anyone, including his kids. Do you know what our children have been up to lately? They've been spilling their guts to the internet. Even our little Angelica thinks something is up, but what can she do? What can ANY of them do? They're children."
"And now we're just like them, helpless and distraught. So if you don't want to help us, fine, whatever. Thanks for nothing," Drew spat, standing up. Charlotte stood with him, and they left, leaving Dr. Grace with a slightly open mouth, shaking her head in disbelief. Like them, she didn't know how any of them got roped into any of this, but she hoped they could all find a way out.
Confession Cam: Phillip
So I'm going to post this on YouTube now because we messed up. We really messed up. Not by making the videos. No, no, no, by being born. That's right, folks, I regret being born. I love my father and mother and my twin, and I even like my little siblings too because why not? They can be pretty cool sometimes. It really takes me back.
My big regret? That our whole family ever met Stu Pickles. Tommy and Dil, they're some of my best friends. They really are, and I know they have the same thought. What if Stu continued being a screw up for all of eternity? We'd all be a heck of a lot happier is what. That's why I regret being born. If we weren't in this reality, we wouldn't have this problem. We wouldn't be doing a group therapy session for a season finale that none of us really have any part of. How many times do you have to tell someone you're only messed up because of them before somebody listens?
If you want to do us a favor, all of us, boycott the show. Protest. Do whatever you have to do to get this crap off the air. It would save us from this prison of a life, because let me tell you, I'm not thinking of doing anything stupid. That's not what this video is. I mean, it's a cry for help, but I don't want to kill myself or anything. No, I want my life back.
How many of you get to go in the park and play football or tag? Or go to the store to browse CD's? Or do you just go out with your parents to that embarrassing restaurant you outgrew years ago? All of that, every bit of it, we'll never get to do again. Help us help ourselves. Forget any of us existed. If you do, we'll actually have a life again, because right now, we might as well be figments of your imagination.
Didi stood on the stairs with Stu's bag. He kissed her cheek as he accepted it, then he stepped down the stairs and moved into the kitchen, where Tommy and Dil were eating product placement cereal (they couldn't remember the name of it) with some name brand milk that tasted powdery, another product placement. They accepted love from their father as the cameras rolled.
Stu was starting his road trip, which would follow him to product pitches, a signing session, and several other things the family was happy to get out of. Didi was only playing the solemn wife because she had to. With Stu out of the house and the crews following him around most of them, she could finally think.
Late in the night, somewhere around two in the morning, Didi got a text from Lou asking her to come over right that second. Didi thought something was wrong, but instead of finding him down in the shower or clutching his chest in bed, she found him at the kitchen counter with two mugs of hot cocoa, Spike asleep under his stool.
"We need to talk about getting you all out of this. I'm no expert, but if you do what I'm thinking, that contract won't matter. You'll need to leave a note to keep the cops away. Stu will probably hire someone. But it's going to be worth it if you can give those boys their life back."
Lou's words played in her head, but the next scene was more important. She passed him a smartphone, a device she didn't even know he could use. Queued up was a list of videos on YouTube on a channel Phil created. His video was first, and Didi used that to get the tears she needed for her scene with Stu on the stairs. It was sad that he didn't want to be in this reality anymore because of Stu.
But Tommy and Dil added their own video, and it just made Didi more angry than anything.
"So I'm Tommy."
"And I'm Dil."
"We're the Pickles Brothers, but we're not feeling like family right now. We hate our lives and it's our dad's fault. Now the people he signed our lives to think we all need help to show you guys were capable of going to therapy."
"We're all a little mad, and yes, you should see help if you start going completely nuts—and you'll know when you do," Dil laughed.
"He's right. Even if you're young like us, you know when something isn't right. Seek help. Do the right thing."
"But if you have our lives, well, needing help is a daily manifestation," Dil said as Tommy nodded. Dil continued, "And it's not because you're developing depression or anxiety or multiple personality disorder-"
"Well, you are developing those thing, but it's not your fault."
"Nope, Tommy boy, it's none of our faults. We only have multiple personalities because several days a week, we're forced before a camera."
"Smile," Tommy grinned. "You're on Candid Camera for the world to see."
"And it's not fun. All you teenagers out there and tweens and kids who want to be like us? Stop. It's not worth it."
"Dil, what happened to your favorite hat?"
"What hat? Didn't that production assistant lose it, but really it was in the fire pit?"
"Exactly! Dil used to wear a hat, a nice winter hat no matter what season it was, because this is my younger brother, and he likes wearing hats."
"It had this awesome set of fake teeth on the end," Dil nodded, holding up a charred set of teeth, "Here they are, burnt a little, but I haven't felt like myself since those people came around either," he said, petting the teeth as if they were a small kitten.
"This is our life now, and it sucks. You just saw where our best friend Phil would rather not be in the same life with my father. I used to love my dad, but Phil's right."
"He is," Dil nodded, "We don't want to know our dad either."
"It's not that we don't love him-"
"No, no, we do love him," Dil said firmly.
"-It's just that we can't keep living like this. If one of our crazed fans kidnapped us, we'd probably have a better life, even if they only feed us cotton candy and soda."
"We'd be better off because we're not looking for cameras in the shower head. I mean, I don't think these guys would do that, but they're weirdos. They'll do anything for a shot."
"And because we told you guys how bad our lives are, they think we need professional help," Tommy explained.
"And we do need help, yours."
"Boycott the show. Never watch it again, don't buy the products, and get on social media," Tommy said firmly.
Dil nodded, "If you want what's best for us, make them take us off the air. It's the only way we'll have our lives back and have real friends again, and wear hats whenever we want because we're cool like that."
"My little brother is cool," Tommy nodded, "and you will be too if you help us get rid of this nightmare."
Didi had always wondered why Dil changed so much during those first weeks of filming. He was broken, and seeing those charred teeth only confirmed how broken he was. She remembered the fire pit being lit on the old patio, the production assistants gathering for a laugh. She didn't know them well enough, so she thought they were socializing. No, they were destroying her son's prized possession, and now that she knew, she knew Lou's plan had some merit.
But she knew it would be a problem. It would create publicity that they didn't need, nor did they want extra publicity. That meant the show would have to go on, and they couldn't have that. If any of them wanted their lives back, they had to get out. And while Lou's plan was an option, it wasn't the main one, not yet.
PROMO: STU TV SEASON FINALE! THE TELL-ALL EPISODE IS HERE!
Set your DVRs for the bombshell episode where you'll learn who has the most problems on the show! Is it the group of tweens making confessionals online begging for your help? Is it the overworked Stu Pickles and his forgotten wife? Or his brother, angry at his lack of success? Find out in this two-hour special! And be sure to go online before then for exclusive content!
Confession Cam: Angelica
Mom and Dad sat me down today and told me something I never, ever expected, something they're about to tell the world. Drew isn't my father. And they don't even know who it is, but it can't be him because of some kind of accident. Like what does this even mean? I'm not who anyone thinks I am, and the whole world is about to find out in this stupid tell-all season finale. Mom is prepared to just say everything—affairs that resulted in four separate pregnancies, but I'm the one they had. She even hooked up in Vegas. Like WTH Mom!
I just don't know what these producers get off on, but why do we have to be it? This is my life, or it used to be my life. Everything would be so much better if Stu stayed the messed up crazed inventor who couldn't do anything. If he just would've stuck to toys, we'd still have our old lives.
I know I said I like this, the glam and all, but now I'm an illegitimate daughter because of this mess. No one ever would've told me unless the show pushed it, and now I have no identity. This is ridiculous, and I hope the whole show crashes and burns. If this is what it means to be famous, I quit!