Work on Thursday is absolutely ridiculous. I have never seen so many loud, rude people in one night. Not to mention, the cheapskates who leave less than fifteen percent as a tip. I don't mean neurotic Sheldon 'don't touch my food' obnoxious. I mean cruel. One man asks if I know the difference between medium well and well done. Another man grabs my ass to get my attention.
By six, at the end of my shift, I am so ready to go home and curl up on the couch for Pizza Night. The ridiculous banter of the guys has never sounded so appealing. Hell, I don't even care if they decide to do one of their goofball experiments, like the one with the corn starch on the speaker. (Seriously, why?)
As I am getting into my car after clocking out, I feel my phone vibrate in my hoodie pocket and fish it out while I fumble with my keys. Glancing at the caller I.D., I drop my keys when I realize it's Mary Cooper.
Oh Boy.
"Hi, Mrs. Cooper!" I answer cheerily. Like her son, she wastes no time getting to the point.
"Hello Darlin'. Are you and Shelly livin' in sin?" I choke, reaching blindly at my feet for my keys and manage to hook them on my pinkie and get the car started a second later.
"Oh my God, no!" I assure her. "It's strictly platonic." I hear her sigh in relief while I maneuver out of the parking lot with one hand on the wheel.
"Well, that's a relief. Shelly sent me an email this afternoon, sayin': 'Mom, I'm writing to inform you that I've ended my relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler. Also, Penny and I are now living together. Love, your son, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.'" I shake my head, torn between laughter and utter frustration. He signs his emails to his mother 'Dr. Sheldon Cooper?'
"Oh good grief." I reply, stopping at a light and brushing my hair out of my face. "Leonard and I switched apartments…for a few reasons. But, it's helping me save money, so I'm not complaining."
"As long as you're bein' appropriate with each other." Mary agrees. It's a really good thing she can't see my face, because it's red.
"No worries, Mrs. Cooper. I hear you and your mother are coming out for a visit next month." I say, guiding our conversation toward a comfortable end.
"Yes…Momma is so tickled. She hasn't seen Shelly in over a year." Mary tells me. "But you kids don't need to worry. We'll be stayin' at a hotel. Momma's gettin' up there in age and she likes to have a place to stretch out."
"You know you guys are welcome to stay in the apartment." I insist, feeling bad that Sheldon's MeeMaw who he hasn't seen in over a year, has to stay at a hotel.
"Oh, we know, Sugar." Mrs. Cooper chuckles. "But Momma's all excited about the Continental Breakfast. She hasn't been on vacation since my Daddy died."
"How is Missy?" I ask, feeling better about it now.
"Oh, you know Missy." (I met the girl once.) "She's still workin' at the Fuddruckers. She's real active at the church though. The Pastor's son has taken a likin' to her."
"How…nice." I say with a swallow, thinking of Sheldon's gorgeous sister, who should be out here in California modeling and not hostessing at a burger joint. Then again, look what's happened to me.
"Well Penny. I gotta tell ya, I'm glad it's you he's livin' with…even if your shirts don't cover your bosoms." Mary goes on, managing to pull off the same blunt honesty as her son even if she's world away vocabulary-wise. "Lord knows, my baby ain't comfortable with many people, but he's always taken to you."
"That's because I don't take his crap." I laugh.
"I think you're right, Penny. Anywho…we'll see ya soon. Tell Shelly his MeeMaw is excited to see 'im in a couple weeks. Can you believe he's gonna be thirty-two?" Nope. Mostly because he dresses like he's five. Of course, I don't tell her that.
"Time flies." I tell her, turning onto my street. "Well, I'm just getting home from work, Mrs. Cooper. Should I have Sheldon call you?"
"Nah, he hates talkin' on the phone." Mary chuckles. "You take care, Penny." We hang up and I'm left as perplexed as I am when I talk to Sheldon. I fear the children Sheldon would produce. Little high vocabulary know-it-alls with the same mop of short brown hair and blue eyes. It's a horrifying thought, because they'd be absolutely adorable and then they'd open their mouths and take over the world. Like Stewie from Family Guy. Or the Olsen twins.
Okay, we're veering off here, Penelope.
Raj, Amy, Sheldon and Leonard are all gathered around an empty pizza box, debating something about a high energy cosmic ray. I kind of deflate at the sight. I'm starving. They all look up as I slump in and give a feeble wave. Leonard smiles back, looking better than he has since before the wedding. Amy is positively chattering Sheldon's ear off about some huge breakthrough she's had with Ricky, her smoking monkey.
"It's incredible." She's saying. "He's refusing cigarettes now. He's made a conscious decision to quit smoking. I can't figure it out, but I've tried offering him a different brand, I've tried cigars. He's had it with them."
"Remarkable." Sheldon agrees, grinning at her. It's almost like nothing's changed since last week for a second, until he looks up at me. "Penny, I made sure to save you some pizza if you're hungry. I took the liberty of putting it on a paper plate and wrapping it in aluminum foil. It's in the microwave." I feel a weird wave of gratitude wash over me, and have to suppress the urge to rush over and hug him. Sometimes, the big demented genius just surprises us at every turn. I give him a small, tired smile and nod.
"I'm just gonna…" I point to my bedroom and then indicate my clothing to tell them I'm going to put my sweats on.
"You never saved me any pizza." Leonard teases in mock horror.
"Penny has been working all night. It would be unfair if she did not nourish herself after being on her feet for the past seven hours." Sheldon rolls his eyes and shares a look with Amy.
"Need any help, Bestie?" She calls as I reach my door. I bite back a laugh and grip the doorknob.
"I'm good, Sweetie!" I return, disappearing into my bedroom and hearing their voices become a dull murmur through the walls. The memory of the bizarre scene from the night before returns as I look at my unmade bed. I am embarrassed in an instant. Sheldon probably saved me pizza because he thinks I'm mentally unstable and can't fend for myself now. I wonder if he's burned the pajamas that I basically cried all over last night. I'm sure the thought of Penny Snot on his precious Wednesday P.J.'s sent him into the contamination shower at Cal-Tech. It's almost hilarious.
I pull on a pair of blue sweatpants that say 'Juicy' on the butt and a pink camisole. I'm just going to leave my hair in the long braid from work. I'm too tired to deal with it right now. Trudging back out to where my friends are, I grab the perfectly wrapped plate in the microwave and swallow a sudden lump in my throat. It's kind of touching…my egomaniac of a roommate thinking of something other than himself. Then I realize, it's probably a bribe to keep me away from him after last night. Whatever. I don't care…I'm hungry. I squeeze in between Amy and Sheldon and ravenously devour my pizza, which is thankfully, still warm.
"Oh pepperoni, you are my friend." I sigh, picking one off and eating it.
"Rough day at work?" Leonard asks and I shake my head, trying not to remember.
"The worst." I nod, taking another luxurious bite of cheesy Heaven.
"Are you in need of comfort?" Amy asks, looking at me. Our shoulders are touching. "Do you want to rest your head on my breasts and talk about it while I stroke your hair?"
"No…" I pat her hand, giving her a resigned smile. "Thanks, though."
"Of course." She clasps her hands together. "Perhaps later, if you're still upset, we can wash each others' hair." I meet Leonard's eyes and bite the inside of my cheek to keep from giggling. I feel substantially better already.
"I'll keep it in mind, honey." I agree. Raj leans over to whisper something to Sheldon, who practically knocks my plate out of my hand trying to get away from him.
"Raj, I've told you before. I don't like your moist breath in my ear. It's the fastest way to transfer bacteria." Sheldon gives me a pointed look. "Need I remind you of Valentine's Day, two years ago?" Of course. When I'd ruined his chance to go see the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland and Raj got to take my romantic trip with Leonard while I ate soup on this very couch with Dr. Blockhead. "And no, I don't think Penny and Amy are going to take a shower together." He adds, shaking his head and flipping through the channels on T.V.
"Hey, I made it up to you. I took you to Disneyland." I remind him, finishing my second piece of pizza.
"Yes, I'll admit, that was extremely enjoyable. Mickey was just as nice in person as he seems in the cartoons." Sheldon smiles that childish grin and then frowns. "Of course, then dumb old Goofy had to come along and screw it all up." He folds his arms and I share a look of amusement with Leonard.
"Sweetie, he was just trying to get in the picture with you. He was being nice." I assure him, accepting the hand sanitizing wipe he offers me. Sheldon is still pouting.
"He wasn't asked to be in the picture with us. I was spending quality time with Mickey and he just strolled right in. Stupid dog wearing clothes. Pluto doesn't wear clothes…I don't see why Goofy does. And that dumb green hat?" He lets out a short exhale. Oh Good Lord.
"My God," Amy muses, staring at her former boyfriend. "You really are like a toddler, aren't you?" I snort, hiding my laughter as I get up to throw away my garbage.
"Raj, honey. Do you want a cocktail? I hate seeing you so quiet." I call from the counter. He nods enthusiastically and I feel a slow smile come over my face. I have a plan. I pull out a pitcher of "pre-mixed" margarita from the freezer and get him a glass. Within a few moments, he's chatting it up with everyone. I remain near the counter, still drinking my own while they all watch T.V.
"Did you hear that Cameron Diaz is dating P. Diddy now?" Raj is saying enthusiastically. "Apparently, she's jealous of J. Lo, and the two are in a diva feud." Sheldon stares at him blandly and shakes his head.
"What is wrong with you?" He hisses, standing and stalking to me, obviously with the intent of reprimanding me. "What did you taint his beverage with?"
"That's just it," I tell him conspiratorially. "It's a virgin margarita. It's a placebo experiment." I giggle quietly. Sheldon looks impressed.
"Interesting." Sheldon says. "He's just as obnoxious sober as he is intoxicated." He shakes his head, but smirks. "You are one deceptive woman, Penny."
"Hey, I'm just trying to keep things interesting and he's an easy target." I tell him dryly, raising my glass in a toast.
"Okay, experiment successful. Tell him the truth and shut him up now." Sheldon demands, watching as Raj starts to sing the theme song from Dirty Dancing.
"Okay, okay…" I say. "Hey Raj, honey?" Raj looks at me and I hold up my glass. "Congratulations, you've been drinking a virgin margarita. Isn't it nice to be sober and talk to us?" Raj stops singing immediately and stares at his cup as if it's betrayed him. Leonard and I laugh together while Sheldon once again gives Raj a disapproving look.
"I understand." Sheldon says, moving back to his spot. I ruffle Raj's hair as I pass by him and slink back into my spot between Amy and Sheldon. We finally decide on watching Back to the Future on cable when Amy's phone rings.
"That's odd. Mom usually doesn't call past seven-thirty. It's her bedtime." She explains, reading the caller I.D. and meeting my eyes. "Stuart Bloom."
"Huh. How 'bout that?" I utter, shrugging and shift my body so that I am sitting Indian style.
"Hello?" Amy answers. Raj looks slightly ill, Sheldon is staring at the T.V. and is blabbering on about how he doesn't understand why anyone would write their name into their underwear. "Hello Stuart. Yes, I'm well even though I'm still slightly bloated from my last menstrual cycle." I cringe. Too much, Amy. "Oh? Well, I'm free, but I am otherwise engaged on Friday night. Yes. You as well. Good night, Stuart." She hangs up and puts her cell phone back in her purse.
"Well, I think I'm gonna turn in." Leonard says, checking the time. "Sorry again about Halo Night, Sheldon." We all watch him leave and Sheldon doesn't seem to notice, immersed in Back to the Future.
"This movie is rife with scientific inaccuracies." He begins, and just as he is beginning his tirade about Einstein and wormholes and how string theory relates and I've checked out, because I just don't get it. "For instance, in order for them to go back to the future, one would have to be traveling at the speed of light, not eighty-eight miles per hour. And I suppose it's moot that backwards time travel cannot be explained. According to Hawking-" Amy stands up abruptly and we all turn to look at her.
"I have to go home. It is late." She announces strangely, before walking straight out of the apartment without another word. I stare at the door she just left through with my head tilted and then turn back to Raj and Sheldon.
"Good Lord." Sheldon sighs. "Not even in their mid-thirties and they're already turning in before nine o'clock?" I meet Raj's dark eyes and he seems to figure out what I'm thinking. He stands up and straightens his sweater vest. He points to himself and then the door.
"Oh, come on…you were talking for a while completely sober!" I remind him. He just shrugs and smiles, waving goodbye.
After the movie has ended, we both head to our bedrooms with a quick goodnight. I realize I forgot to give Sheldon his mother's message and head back out to the hallway to knock on his door. I have just raised my hand to knock, when I stop my fist in mid-air. There is a tie hanging from the doorknob. I stumble back from it and turn away as if I've seen what's behind that door.
A shower sounds nice. Yeah…loud running water sounds like a great idea. I waste no time getting in, and letting my thoughts get lost in the pure pleasure of warm water. It's just a quick shower to relax myself and I remember my strike from the night before when I left my towel on the floor. I make a mental note to make sure I don't do it again. That's when I realize I have no towel in the bathroom. The towels are in the linen closet. The linen closet is in the hallway. Uh oh.
Okay, well at least someone is having his private time now, so I can just sneak out to the closet and grab a towel, then disappear into my room. When I turn the water off, I manage to grab the decorative washcloth off of the towel rack, and creep toward the door, listening closely for any footsteps. Nothing. I open the door and tiptoe toward the linen closet across from Sheldon's bedroom. I manage to get the door open with hardly a creak, when I hear the door behind me open and whirl around to cover myself. Shrieking in surprise, I struggle to cover myself with a towel, while Sheldon immediately covers his eyes with his hands.
"What are you doing?" I wail, wrapping the green towel around myself and securing it.
"I was going to urinate." He explains, eyes twitching. After what he might have just been doing in his bedroom, I decide to make a run for it. This is even too much for me to deal with. It's not like Sheldon hasn't seen me without clothes on. That's not the issue. It's the fact that he may or may not masturbate and I'm not sure I'm okay with the fact that he may or may not have just done it and is now face to face with a naked women. I am also nearly certain that he has never been in the vicinity of a nude woman and I really am kind of afraid to see his reaction to it.
"It's safe to look." I tell him, shutting the linen closet. I wait for one second before rushing into my bedroom and shutting the door behind me. My heart is still racing when I hear the toilet flush and then the shutting of Sheldon's door next door to mine. I sigh in relief as I realize there was no clause for Indecent Exposure. Superhero powers, yes. But seeing each other naked…nope.
Sheldon is already gone for work when I wake up to get ready for my day shift. I'm not looking forward to it after yesterday, but I feel a little better, despite my awkward encounter with Sheldon last night. I'm halfway through my bowl of cereal when my phone begins to vibrate wildly. It's him.
"Hello?" I call into my phone, praying he doesn't bring up yesterday. He doesn't.
"Penny, it's Dr. Sheldon Cooper." He says quickly.
Yes Sheldon, we know you have a PhD.
"Hey, Sheldon!" I force myself to sound cheerful. "What's shakin'?"
"I have no interest in small talk, Penny." He insists. My morning smile is now a scowl.
"What do you want, Moonpie? I'm kinda busy. I have to work in—"
"I know that. I…" He pauses. "I forgot my wallet." He admits and I crack up. Sheldon Cooper, one of the most brilliant minds in the world forgot his wallet. Eidetic memory Sheldon Cooper. "You have to bring it to me." He adds, all business. I make a noise of protest.
"Um, no…I have to be to work in thirty minutes." I remind him. "You don't drive. Have Leonard spot you for lunch." I begin to say goodbye, when he calls my name again.
"No. I cannot function without my wallet." He says and I really shouldn't be surprised.
"This is a strike." I tell him in mock disapproval. "You know, the part about you inconveniencing me and affecting my work."
"We'll call it a draw and set the board back at zero." He counters quickly and I consider this with a shrug. What the hell do I care? I'm not actually going to make Sheldon attend a seminar.
"Yeah, okay." I nod. "Where is it?" I can hear him take a slow breath.
"In my bedroom. In the drawer of my night stand." He explains. "Do not touch anything else in the room." With a yawn, I walk to his bedroom and cross to his night table. I've been in his room before. I mean, never in an extended period of time, but I know it's full of comic books, Star Wars sheets and more plaid clothing than the Scottish would know what to do with.
"Okay. I'll be there in fifteen. Sheldon, meet me outside your building. You owe me." I add.
"What do you want?" He asks, sounding tired.
"I want to have a girls' night at the apartment." I state, almost hearing the frown in his face. It makes me grin. "And I want you to teach me how to waltz."
"Penny, I don't think—"
"Well, you know…I don't think I'll have enough time to swing by before work." I warn, and I hear him breathe in frustration. I know I've won.
"Very well. I will teach you how to waltz. But in private. And as long as you promise never to tell anyone."
"Deal." I agree, and we hang up. I pull his drawer open and see the wallet right away. The Justice League Membership card gives that away immediately. I pocket the wallet when I see something sparkling from further in the drawer. That's weird. This drawer looks mostly empty. Of course, curiosity gets the better of me and I reach in.
When I bring my hand back, I'm holding an orange Penny Blossom.
Okay. This one is short. I'm tired. Sorry about typos. I'm half asleep!
Do not write under the influence. Damn you NyQuil!