A/N: Okay this chapter will finally give you all the answers that you have been waiting for since the very beginning. The story itself is not quite finished yet, but it will solve the mystery and curiosity i'm sure.

….

Kathryn was stunned.

It was a moment like no other. Like the universe stood still.

The holodeck that moments before was but a barren, sterile environment was suddenly transformed into a tranquil paradise.

The ground was no longer hard and metallic, instead its hardened surface softened into a bed of lush green grass that cushioned Kathryn as she laid upon it. Tall magnificent trees surrounded the lush green area, swishing silently as it carried a gentle warm breeze that cooled Kathryn in her flushed state.

Beyond the peak of the trees, the gentle ripple of a flowing current signified that a river was nearby. Looking above at the sky, which was a wash of dull blue, a cluster of shining stars dotted this perfect canvas, illustrating the gradual settling into the night.

A bright light shone over her right side, breaking through the dimness, lighting a path in her direction and her surroundings that alerted her that there was some form of shelter in this paradise.

Without needing to closely examine the shelter, she knew exactly what it was.

Exactly where she was.

Everything about this place seemed right. It felt untouched, undisturbed. A place so peaceful and secluded. It wasn't home.

It was their home.

It was perfect and so intricately detailed. The warmth, the smell, the sound. This was no days work, Kathryn knew that for sure. Chakotay had obviously gone into a meticulous amount of detail when writing this program. It seemed so real. It was as though they had never left.

It had been years since New Earth and yet Chakotay had never once mentioned the program to her that he had so obviously poured his heart and soul into creating.

Suddenly all of the anger, disappointment, hurt and sadness of her situation disappeared. All that mattered now was that moment.

The man before her was not a man who fell in love with her on Brilarix, but rather he was the one person who had loved her for years...ever since New Earth. His feelings for her extended much further than their first night spent together on shoreleave.

How could she have been so blind?

Kathryn felt touched and for the first time since she broke the news to him, she allowed herself to bring the feelings back which she had for Chakotay, that she had forcibly bottled away.

She let her guard down, "Chakotay..."

Chakotay stood silently trying to remain calm, but he was anything but that. So many emotions ran through his mind and it was all because this one woman was doing this to him. She was like a disease he couldn't escape, he was drawn to her, no matter what suffering she may have put him through. The excuses. The differences of opinions. The separation of duty. Everything that defied their relationship and being together.

Kathryn knew what he must think of her now. Everything she had put him through those past few months, it was irreparable. He deserved to hate her, and he was right to move on with Seven. Only now did she realize how badly she had behaved in support of the relationship, after all, she no longer had a claim on him. That much she had made clear.

But after a moment passed, Chakotay spoke in a gentle voice, which surprised Kathryn.

"No matter how much I try...I can't stop loving you," he began, "and I know you won't allow anything to happen between us, so I've tried to accept that." His gentle tone began to change to one of seriousness, "But that doesn't mean I can just switch off my feelings for you, Kathryn. Not like that, and not right now."

Chakotay looked down at her. Obvious emotion was spread across her face as well, but what he didn't know was that she was battling an inner war between herself. As she listened to his heartfelt speech, she felt as though the clock of time had reversed and they were back in her ready room those seven months ago.

This time it was different.

Despite everything that had happened between them, in this moment she needed him.

She watched as Chakotay struggled to finally admit his feelings to her, and with fear of crossing the line again and not knowing what her reaction may be, he backed away before he could cause any more damage between them.

"Stay..." Kathryn let slip before she could even think about it, already feeling the distance between them drawing away her strength, "Please," she gritted through the pain, "I need you."

It was the answer Chakotay had been waiting for all along. No matter what the circumstances were he couldn't leave her to do this alone.

He took a step forward then crouched down beside her.

"Then I'm here for you."

…

Seven months ago...

When the away team returned two weeks later after their excursion, the Doctor was more than eager to catch up on each and every one of the away team, mainly Captain Janeway. Just having another excuse to bring her into sickbay to do her physical, thrilled him.

Kathryn, along with Tom and Harry walked tiredly out of the shuttlebay with their only thoughts of having a sonic shower and a good rest in their own bed.

"Captain!" the Doctor rejoiced, in his ploy to lure her into a physical which she always avoided.

Kathryn held up her hand to stop him speaking any further.

"I am well aware of the away team protocol, Doctor."

"Wonderful," he beamed, "So you first?"

"Another day," she quickly shot him down in a deadpan tone, adjusting her bag on her shoulder and marching quickly away from him down the corridor.

"Give it up Doc," Harry patted his shoulder, "Captain Janeway never goes to her physicals and she isn't about to start going now."

Tom suddenly felt awkward and picked up his pace to get ahead of them before the Doctor could get to him next. He felt uncomfortable enough not sharing the Captain's secret with Harry, his best friend, let alone hiding it from the one person from a medical point who needed to know the most.

"Well seeing as you put it that way Ensign Kim, looks like you've just volunteered to go first."

"Oh no, Doc..."

"Yes, now come along," The Doctor beamed.

The past two weeks had been rather uneventful for him, so he was glad to finally have a job to do. In the Doctors firm grip as he towed him by the arm, Harry pleaded to his best friend for help.

"Tom?"

"Take one for the Team, Harry," Tom simply replied, looking ahead and keeping a good distance from Captain Janeway. After two weeks together, he understood that she would appreciate some alone time for the time being.

For one whole week, Tom had known about the Captain's condition. For one whole week he had kept it from his best friend, however small the shuttle was and the Captain feeling no better than the day that he had first confirmed it.

She seemed to be taking it hard and the news difficult to process, but Tom had covered for her and worked longer hours so she could rest more, but without it being overly suspicious so that Harry would notice.

Tom wasn't sure what Captain Janeway was thinking. What he did know was that she was definitely finding her situation very difficult and he understood that and allowed her the time to think things through, neither bringing up her pregnancy for the remainder of the away mission.

Tom only wished that the Doctor was there. During this time that she needed someone of his medical expertise to discuss her situation with.

...

The next day,

As Tom helped the Doctor during his duty shift in sickbay, he heard the Doctor comm the Captain, pestering her to see him about her mandatory two week away mission physical.

Tom knew as soon as she'd come in for her physical, then her secret wouldn't be a secret from the Doctor no more.

Only Tom Paris knew and if the sound of the Captain's apathetic voice over the comm line, trying to avoid her physical with Command excuses was anything to go by, then he knew that he was still the only one who knew.

"Doc, she'll see you when she's ready."

The Doctor took note of the way Tom sounded as he said it, "Are you insinuating something Mr Paris? Something that I should be made aware of. Because as Chief Medical-?"

"I'm not saying anything Doctor," Tom replied as casually as he could, "I wouldn't be worried though, i'm sure it won't be too long until she'll see you."

"Hmmm" the Doctor suspiciously noted, then went back to sterilizing his equipment.

…

A day later,

It was late afternoon that found Captain Janeway sitting behind her desk in her ready room, with her usual pile of PADDS. She looked well rested for once, but her pallor had not changed.

"Yes, Mr Paris?" she called as he entered her ready room.

Once the door had slid shut he spoke up.

"The Doctor is insisting that you see him."

Without looking up from her computer terminal, she answered him in an emotionless tone.

"I'm not ready to see him yet."

"Of course...I guess you'd like to tell, Chakotay first," he responded audaciously, his hands clasped behind his back in a formal stance.

Her head shot up at his remark, narrowing her eyes she gave him a death glare accordingly.

"There's no use in pretending that he isn't the father, Captain. We all know you've been dancing around each other for years,"he crossed his arms over his chest proudly,"I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner actually."

What Tom saw next saddened him. He saw the self disappointment on her face and the hopelessness, almost as though her pregnancy was an incurable terminal illness.

Kathryn stood up from behind her desk and walked over to her viewport, crossing her arms protectively over her chest as she looked out at the stars.

Tom sighed, then tried a softer approach, coming up beside her.

"The Doctor isn't going to let this go anytime soon. I'll try fend him off as long as I can, but this isn't exactly something you can hide forever."

"I'm well aware of that, Lieutenant," she replied coldly, leaning her head back trying to fight off the nausea.

He may not be the Captain's best friend, but right now he was the only one who knew about her condition and as a son of an Admiral who lived his life by the protocols and expectations of Starfleet he knew that this was not something to be thought of lightly.

Especially in the Delta Quadrant.

Digging into his pocket, Tom pulled out a hypospray.

"I stole this from sickbay," he grinned guiltily, "So to save my ass, you might want to see the Doctor sooner rather than later, before he knows this is missing."

Tom lifted the hypospray to her and she tilted her neck to receive it.

She gave him a small grateful smile as she rubbed her neck after the hypospray was injected, working its way to ease her nausea. She was thankful to have Tom, he had turned into the most promising Lieutenant she had ever known. He had turned his life around when she had given him a second chance, though circumstances forced them together. But still Kathryn couldn't help but be proud of the kind, gentle, caring man he was now.

"Thank you."

Tom nodded then turned to leave, deciding that it wouldn't be appropriate to push her into anything more for the time being. He knew that the truth will come out in due course.

"I'll-" she stopped him. "I'll see him tonight."

Tom gave her a small smile, before his face became serious.

"I hope that you do, Captain."

...

That night,

After pacing her quarters and going through every conceivable excuse that she could think of to avoid going to sickbay, Kathryn finally put her empty coffee mug down and marched out of her quarters, leaving no room to debate the question any longer.

She had managed to avoid Chakotay only due to the fact that he and B'Elanna were in the midst of a hoverball championship on their off duty times and he'd given Kathryn a day to rest after such a long away mission. He knew from experience what it was like and he'd allowed her the time to unwind.

Walking into sickbay she looked around. Thankfully it was empty. Just the way she wanted it. It was exceptionally clean with everything neat and orderly. She thought to herself that her life used to be like that. Organized and centered just the way she managed and controlled it. But settling back to reality she looked at how things had turned out for her now.

It was everything but that.

Walking over to a biobed she grazed her finger tips along the edge of its cushioned surface, she was contemplating taking the last step and pluck up the courage to activate the Doctor but before she could do that her thoughts were interupted by the Doctors startling voice.

"Captain, well isn't this a surprise," The Doctor remarked, emerged from his office. She must not have noticed that he was there or even activated, "After all," he continued, "It's only been...two days, but whose counting."

Trying to ignore his blatant use of sarcasm she went along with it, "Yes, I know Doctor, I've been...preoccupied..." she said dubiously, pulling herself up onto the biobed weakily.

The Doctor observed her dejected manner and aura that she carried about her.

"Captain are you alright?"

"Depends on your definition of alright," she muttered to herself.

The Doctor wasn't a psychologist, but he most certainly could tell that at this point she wasn't the strong, steadfast woman she always presented herself as.

Retrieving a medical tricorder on a nearby tray, the Doctor opened it and began to scan her. His focus from the scanner occasionally slipped as he averted his eyes from the scanner to look at her, looking in between glances he saw the downcast expression on her face which troubled him. Finally the tricorder flashed with the evidence that explained everything to him.

"Captain..." his eyes widened and his voice registered surprise. Clearly this was the last thing he was expecting.

"I know," she whispered in a weak voice, lowering her head.

Closing the tricorder he stepped forward and put a hand on her forearm in comfort.

"Have you told the Commander?"

She shook her head slowly.

Putting an appropriate distance between them again, he opened the tricorder once more and informed her of his readings.

"From what I can tell so far, it is a healthy 8 week old fetus."

Kathryn's hand came to her mouth as she fought off the undeniable feeling of sickness she felt to have the Doctor not confirm that she was pregnant in so many words. That she knew. But to confirm that there was actually a living growing being inside of her, made her situation all the more real.

The hypospray that Tom had given her hours before had now since worn off and she could feel the sickness that she felt in the pit of her stomach begin to stir again.

"This should help with the nausea, Captain," the Doctor observed her pale complexion, and appropriately prescribed a solution to it by pressing a hypospray to her neck.

"I take it this wasn't planned?"

"No. No it wasn't."

"Would you like to discuss, options?"

She was silent for a moment but she had her own principles and knew that she couldn't do that no matter how inappropriate her situation was.

"No. This was partly my fault, so I intend to follow it through."

The Doctor smiled at her answer before he spoke, "I think I speak for the entire crew when I say, we'll get you through this."

Kathryn looked away. At this point she didn't know what she felt about it all. It was all a bunch of emotions and hormones.

"Would you like to see it Captain?"

"No," she whispered, "Not yet."

She couldn't face it. How could she look at her child one minute and then the next, make what would be the hardest decision she would ever have to make. It made destroying the array seem like an easy choice.

"I'll draw a nutritional plan for you, for the time being and i'd like to schedule another appointment in four weeks."

Kathryn nodded.

"And I mean this truly when I say four weeks, Captain. Not four months."

"Understood."

"Do you have any questions, concerns, anything at all?"

"No," she whispered weakly.

The Doctor nodded, "Well you know where I am if you do."

She gave him a firm nod, then stood up to leave.

"Oh and Captain," the Doctor stopped her at the door.

"Congratulations."

She looked back at him and gave him a weak smile, then left.

…

Two days later,

After Kathryn's visit to sickbay, she knew it was only a matter of minutes, hours or days until Chakotay would insist to see her. She had limited her time on the bridge the first day after the night she went to sickbay and claimed a headache later night when Chakotay wanted to have dinner. However on the second day when she had declined to have lunch with him, Chakotay finally decided enough was enough.

Barging into her Ready Room later that afternoon Kathryn simply looked up, making no motion to fight him about his unauthorized entry.

He wanted answers and it was clearly written on his face that he wasn't going to leave until he got them. He had been patient and had waited far too long.

"It's impolite to barge in here without permission, Commander," she stated dispassionately.

"What's impolite is leaving suddenly on a two week away mission and then afterwards avoiding me for the next few days, when you agreed that we could talk about whatever was bothering you before the away mission when you got back and what's obviously still bothering you now. I want some answers, Kathryn."

"Fine," she gave up, walking out from behind her desk. She couldn't put it off any longer and he had a right to know.

"I presume you remember what happened on Brilarix?" she began.

"Of course I do, Kathryn," he said incredulously, "What is this about?"

"I'm pregnant."

It was straight to the point.

Slowly the realization dawned on Chakotay, until gradually a smile crept on his face. He took a step forward and clutched his hands onto her forearms looking into her eyes.

"Then why do you sound and look as though this is a bad thing?"

"Because it is," she answered, shrugging his hands off her, then stepped back, withdrawing herself from him and creating distance between them.

"Kathryn?"

"I know that what I'm going to say next might come as a shock to you, so you may want to sit down."

Perplexed, Chakotay pushed forwards, "I'm fine where I am."

"Suit yourself," she answered, then sighed, garnering the courage to do the unspeakable.

"I can't do this anymore. This-" she waved a hand between them, "has to stop."

Chakotay looked puzzled.

"What are you talking about, Kathryn? You just told me that you're pregnant."

"I know," she replied in all seriousness.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a step back, trying to contemplate what it was that she was getting at.

"Let me get one thing straight, are you having the baby?"

"Yes."

"But you're saying that we can't be together anymore?"

"Correct."

"Kathryn, you can't do this alone."

She crossed her arms over her chest, "Yes I can and I will, Commander."

He shook his head not accepting her answer, "Oh we're well past formalities now."

"Well what do you expect, Chakotay?" she exhaled. "Give into a public relationship and destroy the command structure I've been trying to maintain?"

"That may have been the case before, but things are different now. Things are going to change and things have already changed."

"I'm aware of that, but I can't allow things between us to progress any further. I know we agreed that things between us would remain private. But things have gone too far this time. It can't continue."

"It's my child too," he said sadly, his eyes full of emotion.

"I know that," she paused trying calm herself, "And I'm not denying you of any rights as a father."

"But you're denying...us."

she remained silent.

"Answer me," he snapped a little more forceful than he would have liked to.

"Yes."

A deadly silence followed.

"What exactly are you planning on telling the crew?"

"I haven't quite decided yet. I still have a few weeks before anyone else needs to know...I'm sorry Chakotay. This is just how it has to be. I can't be a mother, Voyager's Captain and your lover!"

"Why not? I fail to see how all of this is relevant now. The damage has already been done."

She waved a hand in the air to stop him,"Chakotay, please don't make this harder than it already is."

"Oh," he scoffed, "So this is a hard decision for you is it?"

"If you think that I haven't thought about this considerably then you're wrong." She argued, her tone the most serious that he had ever heard. "I've spent the past two weeks thinking every minute about this."

"Then you obviously need more time to think Kathryn. Can't you see how wrong this is!"

She let a moment pass trying to collect herself and remain calm, "I know this doesn't seem fair-"

"Oh fair doesn't even begin to scratch the surface!"

"Well I'm sorry you feel that way but my decision has been made and I'm not changing my mind. I'm sorry Chakotay, but things between us, end now."

He looked at her incredulously, then his expression changed to disappointment.

"You know...I knew you had the ability to hurt me Kathryn, and I took the risk that night, full well knowing that. But never did I imagine that you could be this cruel."

She watched Chakotay leave her ready room, then sat down on her couch and let the tears that were welling in her eyes fall. She allowed herself a few moments to feel the pain of her situation, the pain that she had caused Chakotay and ultimately her loss. She quickly wiped the tears away and replaced her Captain's mask.

She had to be strong and she remained strong for the months following, because as far as Kathryn was concerned, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have left.

To be continued...