I wake up in the morning with my head and chest feeling heavy. I must have only gotten a few hours of sleep. I spent most of the night trying to propel myself into the past to undo the kiss. I would do just about anything to go back to before that moment. Because before that moment, there was no heaviness in my chest or any pangs of anxiety. I was clear and level headed. The thing that's clouding my mind the most is the question of why.

Why did I do it? I don't know what I was thinking, kissing Dan. Except, I do, on some level. When he told me he had once had a crush on me I was overcome with a feeling I could only attribute to being desired. It had been so long since I felt wanted and it was flattering, to say the least. Then, there was the fact that I hadn't even kissed anyone since Carter which was now over a year ago. Furthermore, the only person I had been with in the past 4 years was Carter. So maybe it was a bit of temporary insanity that had caused me to kiss him. Being single for long enough would do that to anyone, right?

In fact, I bet that was why I had thought I had felt something. It was merely the remembrance of what it's like to kiss someone you find attractive. Which in the dim, milky moonlight, everyone is attractive so it's not like I'm attracted to Dan, per se.

I know he still hasn't gotten up yet since obviously I would have heard. It's still early and nearly everyone in our cabin is still asleep. I seize this as an opportunity to get up and form a game plan. Yoga seems like the perfect respite so I grab my yoga clothes, mat, and a water and head to the bathrooms to change.

When I enter the room, which thankfully isn't heated today, I spot Melanie and Devries and take my place next to them. During the class, I focus all my energy on dispelling any lingering feelings from the kiss. Instead, anytime I think about kissing again, which keeps popping into my head an alarming amount now, I look towards the instructor. He's pretty cute with his sandy blonde hair and deep blue eyes, even if he's not exactly my type.

After class, the girls ask me which class I'll be doing today and I almost reply with, "Any class Dan isn't." But I refrain because then I'd have to tell them the whole story which is far too embarrassing. I mentally scan through the list of activities and think about which would be least likely to be chosen by Dan. I decide on jewelry making which both girls say they'll do with me.

The plan I've come up with is this, I will act perfectly normal around Dan because that's obviously what I would do if the kiss had unaffected me. I'll drop the whole niceness act of yesterday and just go back to the way things were before. Barely acknowledging him, calling him out when he's irritating me, and not thinking twice about his presence. Of course that's much easier said than done. So I need the day to work up to it hence the Dan-free activity choice.

I steel myself to face him at breakfast though. I know the chances of avoiding him there are slim. So after I've changed into my sun dress and walked into the breakfast hall, I fill my lungs with not only oxygen but feigned confidence.

There he is, at the pastry bar where of course I need to go in order to get the croissant I was craving. I remind myself avoiding him will accomplish nothing so I walk right up beside him.

"Hey," I say breezily. Once he turns to me, I force myself to meet his eye. As I do, the memory of his lips on mine flashes through my mind. My eyes almost drop down to his lips but instead I train them on a more neutral spot, like his left eyebrow.

"Hey," He echoes. "How was yoga?" He asks after a pause.

I furrow my brow, how did he know where I went? He seems to read my mind and then adds, "I noticed your mat was gone from the cabin."

"It was good." I say blandly. I take a croissant and set it on my plate. Before this painful conversation can go on any longer, I start for the table where Melanie and everyone else sat, "See you."

For the next few days, I continue avoiding Dan. But I hate that throughout each day, I wonder if I'll see Dan again. It's like, as much as I dread seeing him, I feel an equal yearn to see him. I try to focus on other things, like when at lunch, Jay, our yoga instructor, says hi to me and asks how my day is. Something that Devries points out he doesn't take the time for with other retreaters. In fact, most of the girls said they heard he makes it a rule not to socialize with us. I should be thinking about Jay's blue eyes on mine but instead I find myself replaying my kiss with Dan.

My wish to see him again comes true later that evening during the night hike. As we all set off for the hike, I find Dan next to me. I'm glad it's dark so he can't see how my cheeks flush at the sight of him, worrying that he'll know I felt a spark. I'm actually surprised he's making an effort to be chatty, if it were me and I had experienced an excruciating kiss, as it apparently was for him, I would pointedly avoid the person. But not, Dan. No, he has to rub in the awkwardness by strolling alongside me and asking if I made him something in jewelry class yet.

"Why? Is that saying diamonds are a girl's best friend wrong and it should be a man's best friend?" I say, teasingly.

Dan laughs, "I just thought maybe you would make me some meditation beads to help me with my practice. With the amount of times you've taken that class, I'd think you'd run out of jewelry to make for yourself.

"Meditation beads? Are those a thing?" I say incredulously.

"I don't know, you're the yogi. Haven't you gone to yoga like every day this week?" He asks me.

I almost ask him if he's keeping track of my whereabouts but think better of it. Instead, I shrug. "It's better than a morning hike, run, or obstacle course."

"How would you know? You haven't tried them?" Dan asks, sincerely.

"I don't need to," I say confidently. "I already know they won't be my cup of tea. Especially considering how strongly you're endorsing them."

"Ouch," He says sarcastically.

"Hey guys," Melanie says, dropping her pace to walk alongside us. "What are we talking about?"

It's such a Melanie thing to say that of course, she can get away with. Because the second she's near everyone wants to include her in their conversation.

"Blair was just refusing to try any of the other morning activities such as hiking or the obstacle course." Dan fills her in and I shoot him a glare.

"Obstacle course!" Melanie exclaims, "I actually had been wanting to do that but none of the other girls would do it with me. Lily said it would wreck her acrylics." Melanie rolls her eyes.

"You should do it," Dan tells her, an easy tone which makes me prickle all over. "I'll be there."

"I will then," She shoots him that winning smile with her perfectly white, aligned teeth. "Blair, want to join us?"

"I think I'm good, thanks though," I say biting back a sarcastic remark.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow then, Dan." She says flirtily. Okay well maybe her words weren't exactly flirty but it's the way she said them.

I scan Dan's face as she saunters off but it's impassive. I half expect him to excuse himself to go hike with Melanie instead since she's clearly more outdoorsy than I am but he doesn't. He keeps pace with me and stays with me even as we lay under the stars. It's a bit torturous, it's like making me relive last night all over again.

"Blair," Dan says in a low voice only I can hear. My breath hitches and I wait on tenterhooks for his next words. "I was thinking about the other night and kiss-"

I cut him off, a feeling of dread rising. The last thing I need is a second rejection, I got it loud and clear the first time. "Let's not talk about it," I turn my head to face his, "I'd prefer if we pretend it didn't happen."

Dan looks taken aback for a moment but then nods. "If that's what you think is best."

"I do," I nod, reassuring myself. "I think it would be better for our… friendship." I stumble over the word.

I see a brief expression of surprise cross Dan's face before he says, "Okay, then it never happened."

His words should be like a backspace, wiping away the events that shifted everything between us. But as I watch his steady face all I can think about are his hands brushing my cheek as he kissed me. I swivel my head away to stop that train of thought and focus on the stars again.

"Can I ask you something, as your friend?" Dan asks me a few minutes later. He seems to stumble over the word friend, as though he can't believe that such a word would apply to us. I can relate, I think to myself.

"I guess," I said apprehensively.

"Why did you and Carter break up? I mean really break up? I know what Aaron said but it sounded a bit flimsy." He looks a little taken aback by his own question.

I steel myself. For a moment I think about refusing to answer. But then I look over and see his sincere expression, his eyes so wide with… concern? Curiosity? Whatever it is it makes me say this, "I couldn't make him happy. Not truly happy, or just not happy enough to sustain a marriage."

Dan's brow furrows. "What do you mean?" He shakes his head. "That just doesn't make sense. It doesn't seem true."

I laugh, a hollow sound. "Just ask Carter, I'm sure he'd say as much." I take a breath before continuing, with the whole story. "The engagement just sort of highlighted all of our flaws as a couple. I don't know why he even proposed, I think he wanted to be the type of guy who would marry his college sweetheart. But I bored him. He wanted a break so he could have some time to be youthful and travel with no commitments. I told him that wasn't an option, I mean, who takes a break from an engagement? I wasn't really happy either anyways, I felt like I always had to be something I wasn't with him."

I see a harsh flicker pass through Dan's eyes. "He's a fucking idiot. I always thought that. I hated the way he would act, he just always gave me a bad feeling."

I smile, "That's sweet of you to say. You're very loyal, like Aaron." I really mean it too. It's something I always knew about Dan but never really noticed. He just strikes me as the type of person who would be there for you. Even after a bad kiss, I think to myself.

"Is that why you came here?" Dan asks me after a few minutes of silence go by. "To prove you could be adventurous?"

I squirm under his inquisitive eyes and intimate question. It's like he can see through me which makes me even more nervous. Because if he can read me so easily then does he know how I really felt about that kiss? I clear my throat and look away momentarily. "Maybe," I say noncommittally.

"You shouldn't have to prove yourself to anyone." Dan says steadily, eyes fixed on me.

I don't know how to respond so I just mutter a soft thanks and then get up. I make an excuse about being tired and wanting to head back with the others. Dan gets up too and just like that, the personal conversation is over and the fleeting moment of intimacy we shared again, is gone.