DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES READ THIS IF YOU LIKE TWILIGHT UNLESS YOU CAN TAKE A JOKE.

So...anyone reading this? Please tell me someone is, because this story is my baby. I love it. I'd really like to know that at leaset one other person does.

(From this point on, I will combine Lemony Snicket's words with mine, but skip his characteristic definitions and such (since we all know what the words mean). It would just be too much like copying him.)

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoChapter 6OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

The stretch of road that leads out of the City, past HazyHarbour– docking point of the famous Prospero – and into the town ofTedia, is perhaps the most unpleasant in the world. It is calledLousy Lane runs through fields of an unappealing gray colour, in which a handful of scraggly trees produce horribly sour apples that make your face pucker up with just one Lane traverses theGrimRiver, a body of water made of nine-tenths mud and containing a species of particularly terrifying fish. The River encircles a horseradish factory, and the entire area smells bitter and strong.

Nessie thought it was at least a hundred times better than Forks, but not because of the scenery. She was finally around people like her – she had found out a lot in the last half-day she had spent with the Baudelaires. The previous night when they returned to the Poe household, the children snuck out of the room they shared with Edgar and Albert and went down to the living room to talk.

Nessie learned that Klaus was a reader/researcher, Violet was an inventor, and Sunny was a biter. They were even interested in her dancing and math skills! In fact, Mr. Poe was more interesting and kind than the Cullens had been, despite his horrid children and his persistent cough.

"I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable," said Mr. Poe, pausing for a moment to cough. "But this new car of mine doesn't fit many people. We couldn't even fit in your suitcases, but I'll drive back here in a week or so to deliver them."

"Thank you," said Violet politely. Nessie was certain, however, that her sister (it was so hard to think of the others like this, but Nessie was making an effort) was not listening to the banker, because she had her long hair tied up with a ribbon. As she had learned the previous night, Violet did this when she was concentrating on an invention. It helped her think clearly.

"After living in the City for so long," said Mr. Poe, "I hope you'll find the country to be a pleasant change. Oh, here's the turn – we're almost there."

"Good," Klaus said quietly. He wished he had a book; he was bored.

"I think you'll like Dr. Montgomery too," continued Mr. Poe. "He has travelled a great deal, so I'm sure he'll have many interesting stories to tell. I'm told his house is filled with things from all the places he's been."

"Bax!" said Sunny, probably meaning 'I'm nervous about meeting a new relative.'

"Amas," ~ 'So amI.' agreed Nessie – in baby talk, obviously, so as to not arouse the suspicion of Mr. Poe.

"He does seem interesting." Klaus said. "I bet he'd have lots of books…"

"And mechanic devices I could examine…" added Violet wistfully.

"And metrey." Said Nessie, meaning 'And some things to measure or calculate.'

"Bite." Agreed Sunny, and the Baudelaires suddenly found themselves getting a bit excited about their new relative.

"How exactly is Dr. Montgomery related to us?" asked Klaus.

Mr. Poe coughed. "Dr. Montgomery is – let me see – your late father's cousin's wife's brother…I think. He's a scientist of some sort, and receives a great deal of money from the government."

"What should we call him?" asked Violet curiously.

"You should call him Dr. Montgomery." Said Mr. Poe. "Unless, of course, he tells you to call him Montgomery. Both his first and last names areMontgomery, so it doesn't really make much difference."

"His name is Montgomery Montgomery?" asked Klaus, smiling. Nessie tried to hold back a giggle.

"Yes, and I'm sure he's very sensitive about that, so don't ridicule him." Mr. Poe said, coughing into his handkerchief. "'Ridicule' means 'tease'.

"I know what 'ridicule' means." Klaus grumbled. He also knew that it wasn't nice to make fun of people's names.

Violet sighed and took the ribbon out of her hair. She had been thinking of an invention that would block the smell of horseradish from reaching one's nose, but she was too nervous to concentrate properly.

"Do you know what sort of scientist he is?" she asked.

"No, I'm afraid I don't. Oh – here's the driveway. We're almost there." said Mr. Poe.

They pulled up a steep gravel drive, and slowly a large brick house came into view. It was a handsome house with many windows, but the really interesting thing was what stood outside on the lawn. Large hedges filled the lawn, all of them in the shapes of snakes, complete with tongues sticking out and pointy teeth showing. They were a bit eerie, and Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and Nessie were a bit nervous about walking beside them on their way to the house.

Mr. Poe didn't seem to mind the hedges – probably because busy lecturing the children on how to behave.

"Now Klaus, don't ask too many question right away. Violet, what happened to that ribbon in your hair? I though it looked quite distinguished. Would someone please make sure Sunny doesn't bite Doctor Montgomery? That would be a very good first impression."

They had reached the front door, and Mr. Poe ran the doorbell. After a moment they heard footsteps, and the Baudelaires looked at one another. Would Dr. Montgomery be a kind person? They wondered. Would he at least be better than the Cullens and Count Olaf? Could he possibly be worse?

The door opened slowly, and the children held their breath as they looked into the dark doorway. They saw a burgundy carpet on the floor. They saw a stained-glass light hanging from the ceiling. They saw a large oil painting of two snakes on the wall. But where was Dr. Montgomery?

"Hello?" Mr. Poe called. "Hello?"

"Hello, hello, hello!" a loud voice boomed, and from behind the door stepped a short, chubby man with a round red face. "I am your Uncle Monty, and this really is perfect timing! I've just finished making a coconut cream cake!"