less is more by frooit
ffvii au - series/sequel - act ii of tell all
part six
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Cloud follows just as suddenly, with an equally embarrassing cry and mewl, and releases inside Reno, gushing out his want, and fire, and fight as Reno convulses tightly around him. It's voluminous, it's long, it's a new kind of intense. It sweeps them both off their metaphorical feet.
Cloud lifts and stretches and topples. He falls right into Reno, colliding with his bare chest, moist and heaving. Reno reacts and wraps his long arms around him. He wraps him up nice and tight, and they float down together, back to the present, back to the Gold Saucer, back to the dim room.
The deal is done. The act is over. Far from any thoughts of regret, or shame, or weakness, Cloud reaches his peak (once again) with his only ally and friend. The only real and living thing he's got left. Something tainted, something untamed.
All his.
They split apart and clean up in silence and in relative peace. Before long, they will have to face the reality of their actions and present situation, and figure out what to do next.
"That was fantastic," Vause exclaims, dropping the veil at once.
They remain prone on the bed, too used up to move, let alone dress or rekindle modesty.
Vause addresses them as they lie, materializing to loom at the edge of the mattress.
"I must ask… How would you two feel about a more permanent position?" he proposes.
Reno twitches and lifts his head.
"Oh yeah? And what, be your fuck toys forever?"
"More or less," Vause admits, nodding his head.
"As much as I've enjoyed this…" Reno groans, dropping his head back. "I like my freedom more. I'm just... glad you're not… you know, a complete weirdo, yo. It's kinda weird you just like to watch, I guess. But, it coulda been worse. A lot worse. I've seen worse. I've... done worse."
"I understand," Vause confirms.
"Yeah. So. Thanks for not being a total weirdo," Reno offers.
It should be more awkward thanking a man that just watched you fuck to completion, but Reno's been around a few times. Maybe one too many times at that, and this is just another one of the many glaring signs telling him to change, and he's going to ignore it. He's not a good person. He's not been a good person. He's not going to be a good person. He knows. Get off it.
"My pleasure, of course," Vause replies.
He turns to face the doorway but doesn't get far.
"You can stay here if you like…" he suggests, paused in his tracks. "I won't be coming back. I have my own rooms. Take advantage. Sleep. Drink. Be merry. Have another go at it."
He turns and gestures his approval.
"As a friendly warning though... I will be watching the surveillance tapes later. I always do. I have a personal collection. I'm a curious individual, and that last display... deserves a replay."
He stalls, perhaps musing on that.
"So… that's what it is…" Reno mutters, tone dripping with understanding and exhaustion. "That's what you do… You're gonna... make a… load of money off our recording, aren't you?"
"Anyway," Vause chimes, smiling a curt smile. "Don't worry about it. No records ever leave the Saucer. Don't worry about the suits either. Keep them. Please. Think of it as a tip. I left you ample payment and betting chips on the nightstand. One should have some fun while one can. You can return to your original room for the rest of your duration as well. I have many. Suits and rooms. It's not a problem."
"Right," Reno answers, faded.
Too faded to contest.
"Have a nice visit," Vause wishes. "Hope to see you again before you leave, of course."
He has the gall to bow low, correcting his glasses as he draws himself back upright.
"Thank you both for a wonderful and most interesting evening. It's not often something like this comes up. It was educational, liberating, mutually beneficial… and more than a bit of a thrill. Although, I don't think I ever got your name, my dear..."
Reno can't help the dismissive scoff. He's so over this guy.
"It's…" Cloud starts.
It takes him longer than it should have to realize he was even talking to him at all. He has to wonder if he should humour him, given their pending fugitive status, and generally confused nature, but he's also unable to think of a good enough reason not to. The guy has his own motives and his own business, and he was kind, and he got what he wanted.
"My name's... Cloud."
"Cloud," Vause repeats, working the name over his tongue. "Wonderful."
Now he turns on his heels, offering them his back.
"I'm off then. Until we meet again, Cloud."
With his typical air of importance, Vause strides for the gateway, his exit, the bedroom's threshold.
"You better do as you say and watch out for him, Reno," he suggests, glancing over his shoulder.
And now they are, more or less, alone.
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They hang in the dimness of the room, soaking up the setting and circumstances around them, accompanied only by the scent of musky flesh and salted sweat. Together again, two of a kind, red and blond, a total mess. It feels like a long time coming. In reality, it's been less than an hour since they were separated.
Cloud's clothes are on an armrest of an armchair in the front room. Reno's clothes are half on the bed and half at the foot of it. Neither of them have the thought touch their minds.
Seconds ticks away. Minutes stack up.
Reno lies prostrate next to Cloud.
Cloud lies recumbent next to Reno.
When Cloud gets around to looking over, he finds Reno's eyes closed.
What a surprise.
The red-head's face is smooth and calm, features relaxed. There's not a single emotion on his colorless visage. His soul is perfectly quiet. There are no signs of distress or anger; not the hint of a smile or a grin. He's a blank slate open for input. It's mesmerizing, and as awful an image as the one from the shower. He looks so much like himself, and yet so much like a helpless stranger. He is innocent, vulnerable, novel and natural. He is beautiful.
And dead asleep.
Cloud watches him. He watches him and he thinks. He thinks about where the sword must be. That damn sword. That giant sword. That giant responsibility and glaring reminder. He let it go and pushed it aside.
It's certainly not here, and Reno didn't have it with him when he showed up to save the day. He didn't have his guns either. Not even an empty holster. He came unarmed. He came crawling back, stripped and ready for punishment, and he begged. He begged for him.
Cloud lies still. It's nothing but a constant stream of where the sword could be, and should be, and how he'll get it back. How he'll repay him (or make him pay), and how he fucked up (or was it Reno?). Cloud willingly forgot his obligations, his wrenching heart. He gave up.
He doesn't move an inch, a prisoner in his own head, conflicted and vile. He watches Reno breathe in and breathe out, calm and even. He's never looked so fragile as he does now. No schemes or accusations run under the surface. No personal desires or motives twist and turn. He's turned off, unknowing, just a fleshy, earthly vessel.
Cloud feels odd for seeing him like this. It feels like a violation, something stolen, something wrong. It's a privilege, it's special, and he's not worthy or ready to behold this side of him.
By the second hour, he's feeling protective.
He can't let anything happen to that sword. He has to return it. He has to honour Zack's wishes. He can't let anything happen to Reno either. He can't let more harm find him. He can't let the fire get him. He's not good, but he's not bad. He's just Reno. He's his problem. He's not a replacement. He's something else. He is important. He is essential. He wasn't lying.
By the third, he's adding anger to the mix.
He's mashing his teeth and digging uncut nails into calloused palms. It's the most he's moved. The venom is coming bubbling up from his chest and burning along his already raw throat. It's stinging behind his eyes and blurring his vision.
Damn Shinra. Damn Sephiroth, and the Director, and his father, and his ever coming into being.
He should have said something sooner. He should have acted faster. He shouldn't have cowered, or faded, or let him go. It shouldn't be so heavy. This shouldn't be so hard. It shouldn't just be recollections and a hunk of steel.
By the fourth, he wants to talk.
He wants to hear Zack's voice. Reno's voice. He wants to open up and unload. He wants to know Reno's plans and worries. He can't do this alone. He never wanted or expected to have to do any of this alone. He thought his mother would always be there. She should have been. He thought he'd have his comrades. He thought he'd have the service, and the missions, and the ranks, and the battles. He thought he'd have Zack. He thought he'd grow stronger.
By the fifth hour, he's rehashing the guilt.
He got him killed. He got them killed. They're gone, gone, gone, and never coming back. His mom, his dad, his village, his innocence, his hope and wonder, and Zack. His Zack. Cloud's the reason for everything. He didn't see anything. He didn't see him. He's been hallucinating. He's not well. Zack is just a memory, a voice, a hope and an ideal. He's just a cold, dead sword. He's just sand between his fingers. Cloud's gotten everything all twisted and charred. It's all his fault.
All his fault.
Twenty minutes later, he breaks.
"If I were a colour…"
He starts there, with the very same words spoken to Zack in the dead of the night to calm his slipping mind. They come out malformed, grated together and broken. He has to stop.
"I don't know anymore," he admits, sounding no better.
Reno sleeps on, angelic and undisturbed.
"I know I... saw him. That night. I swear." He wets his lips. "He was there. He… appeared. I was gonna die. I was… He... I could have touched him. He was so close. He showed up to help me. He came back. And then… he was... gone. Again. It's just that fucking sword. And more bitter memories..."
And that reality will always hurt.
"You asked me what I found in the wreckage," he mutters, going on. "In the house… what was a house... I didn't find anything. I didn't find him. All I found was… There was still some evidence of clothing that hadn't burned… It was red. Zack wasn't wearing red. He wasn't. It wasn't him. I know. I know. He wasn't even in the house when it exploded… Not... exactly... He… he…"
His voice has gotten thin and tight in his throat.
"He was the explosion."
Reno comes alive. Two sea-shallow blue eyes open, blink several blinks, and stare back.
Cloud's own tired eyes widen out of reflex, but they don't yet dart away.
"He was what?" Reno rasps, voice thick with sleep.
Cloud regards him for an extended moment. He could slip back into silence and secure his own slipping mind, or he could start getting Reno on his side.
"He was the explosion," he repeats, glancing away from the all consuming inspection at last, too weak and unbalanced to challenge such a demanding gaze for long.
"He couldn't have exploded," Reno growls back, rolling and adjusting to his side to slide in close. "It was a bomb... or something. He probably…"
But, he has nothing better to draw from.
"Where's the BDS?" Cloud asks.
"It's safe," Reno replies.
"Where is it?"
Reno yawns, taking his sweet time.
"Don't worry, yo…" he groans. "It has my guns and knife to keep it company."
"Reno…"
He deflects the blow with a question.
"How did he explode then?"
Cloud stalls, taking only a moment to reset.
"Think about it," he answers, keeping cool and steady, and his eyes away. "He said it was too much. Like he was… overflowing. He was afraid he was going to... spill over. I bet you remember. You were there. He was the flash of blue that night in Gongaga. He stopped the rain for that split second. He went… critical. He protected me from injury. He stopped everything. He was... always… protecting me."
"He went... critical?" Reno gapes. "Like, because of the mako? You think he blew up because of the fucking mako? That shit just makes you dizzy and angry, man. It messes you up. Shinra thinks it makes you fight better. They think it's a drug. And maybe it is. I've seen it. It doesn't make you magical. It makes you an idiot. Damn… You really did worship him, didn't you?"
"What about outside Midgar? And what about the soldiers? It wasn't just what they were saying, Reno. I could feel it. The fire. The house around me. I could taste it. I could almost see it. And I know… I know most of what they said was true. I ran from the memory. I ran from... his memory."
"You're dealing with a lot of grief, Cloud..."
"I keep hearing his voice."
Reno sits upright to look down over him.
"You're talking to me. And that's great. I mean, holy shit. You're talking to me. I didn't want to bring attention to it… but, you're not making any fucking sense either, Cloud. And that's not great. Not at all. Take a breather. Take a second to think straight. You're stressed out."
He gives him a very serious look now, and asks, "How would you know any of this anyway?"
"Because he—"
"Have you slept at all?"
Cloud balks, but recovers.
"I—I've slept enough, haven't I? Isn't it time I woke up?"
"Yeah, sure," Reno agrees, slow and measured. "You just sound…"
"Crazy?"
"That's the one."
"I know it sounds crazy…" Cloud mumbles.
"Great," Reno chimes, striking at the air. "Then let's start figuring out what really happened to your boyfriend and then what we're doing next, because I'm hungry and bored. You can nap if you want. I'll whisper sweet nothings in your ear as you drop off."
"I'm fine," Cloud bristles.
"You're far from fine."
"I'm fine."
"You're not fine. You're rambling. You're shaking. You're mad and tired. And more like the Creator's magnum opus anyway... I'm the fine one."
"You're an asshole."
"Oh, kitty has claws… An asshole I might be," Reno agrees, "but this is still about as half baked as your fucking eyeball theory. Nothing happened there. You didn't rampage. You didn't kill anyone."
Didn't he though?
"That's because he…" Cloud needs to find the right word. "Because Zack replaced Sephiroth. Otherwise, I dunno… You might not have woken up. You could have ended up dead in that tent."
"You're so morbid," Reno marvels.
"I…"
"You're such a downer."
"I'm… a realist."
"Yeah, well, reality sucks," Reno grunts. "That's why I drink. And fuck around. That's why you're a daisy. And stuck with a giant symbol. That's why… Shit, man. It's just a lot of shit, okay? Try to forget about it every once in awhile. It's not indelible. Really. Things change. You'll give yourself an ulcer. You're giving me an ulcer. Just give it a fucking rest."
"Give it a fucking rest?" Cloud repeats.
He narrows his eyes and looks aside, physically and emotionally pulling from Reno's presence.
Reno winces and shakes his head. He crowds in, hands waving, pleading and proffering.
"No, no, no. Fuck. Oh, don't do that. Don't take me seriously. Please. I am an asshole. Don't you stop talking to me again. I can't handle that shit. You know it's my weakness. Just—"
"That's not your weakness," Cloud vents.
"Isn't it?" Reno prods, turning his minor panic into a slippery smile. "You're my weakness."
"Don't say that…" Cloud grumbles, shrugging deeper into the bed.
"Why?" Reno pushes, too interested to stop, and too close for comfort.
Cloud stews, tonguing his bit lip.
"Because secretly you like it?" Reno asks, slithering closer still, naked and warm. "Because you might feel some responsibility? You might have to feel the very human and very normal emotions of remorse, or excitement, or fear? Because you don't have control over it? Because you don't have control over anything?"
"Because it's not true," Cloud explains, looking on him now, firm and forceful.
Reno dims down and lifts a single red eyebrow.
"Explain that one to me," he insists.
Cloud does not divert.
"You are your weakness."
"Oh, that's deep…" Reno groans, rolling his eyes along with his shoulders.
Now it's Cloud's turn to dim and frown.
"My bad," Reno apologizes, his expression pained. "It's involuntary. Slipped out. Asshole here."
Silence unfurls.
Cloud didn't think it would be easy. It was hard getting even Zack to admit the truth, and he could see it. It was hard for Cloud to understand it too. Reno finds it better to deny what's right in front of him, rather than see, therefore touch, therefore feel. Even with all the evidence (the pain, the tears) he's still more willing to refuse the responsibility of entertaining his situation. Their situation. He's more willing to smile and drown it under a cascade of alcohol, swears, and jeers.
The silence endures.
Reno springs at the opportunity to showcase his inability to live with it.
"Sooo…" he drawls. "How are you, man?"
Cloud suppresses the desire to say tired, insane, scared, lonely, angry, mad, livid.
Reno gives him a generous amount of time to answer.
Cloud gives him a shrug.
"Did you watch me sleep the entire time? Did I say anything weird? Did I drool any?"
Cloud shakes his head.
"You looked beautiful," he admits.
This stunned silence is rather satisfying.
Cloud can see Reno struggling to stay aloof, above it all, high and dry. He's struggling with a lot of things. Cloud's gotten observant and good at reading him, or Reno's still just that sloppy.
"That's interesting..." Reno muses, glancing about the room, bouncing around the subject.
"Is it?" Cloud prods.
"Yeah, it is. Don't exactly consider myself... beautiful, to be honest. You? You're beautiful. I'm more ruggedly handsome, right? Someone you'd let ravish you in the woods."
"The woods?" Cloud asks, sitting upright to join him.
"Yeah… Like, a wild man or something. In the woods. Literally. Not a weird metaphor or anything. What I'm saying is... manly and strong, I guess. You can't resist my cut and physique."
"I want to be ravished by a wild man?"
"You have been ravished by a wild man, buddy."
Cloud's lack of expression propels Reno into action.
"I'm…" he mumbles. "I keep putting my fucking foot in my mouth. I'm not good at not offending, man. I'm not good at this. Sorry. For how much I fucking talk… it's just a lot of crap. You know this. I just… shoot the breeze and say what's on my mind."
"Wouldn't expect anything less."
"That sounds suspiciously like an insult..."
"Maybe it is…"
"Maybe I can dig it."
"How did you get away from him?" Cloud blurts, his lack of care and angry hurt escalating into dangerous territory. "Away from Sephiroth. He killed Vegas... but not you?"
Reno sobers. His features darken.
"I shot him and ran."
"Where?"
"To you."
"No. Where did you shoot him?"
"In the gut…" Reno answers.
"And he survived," Cloud submits.
"I'll say he survived... He showed up inside a fucking flying lizard."
"And you still think he couldn't have been inside my head, like a sickness? How's that so hard to believe after that? After my whole… state? And my eye. After the fainting? Do you remember Zack hitting you with a bolt of lightning? You might not… but he did. He knocked you clear of Sephiroth. He saved your life. How did he cast magic without materia?"
"I don't fucking know. You think Seph's dead..."
"Yeah, I do," Cloud confirms.
"And if I think he's dead too… then I don't get to pay him back for all the shit we've been through. I have to… really bury my brother. I have to… I just left him there, man… I have to..."
"I'm sorry about..." Cloud musters, trailing off.
He wants to say more but he's getting hung up on the guilt, and the ugly squirming in his guts.
Reno shrugs, deflecting the pain.
"Yeah. The good die young and all that."
"Maybe they do…"
"And maybe we should finally put some clothes on," Reno suggests.
He groans and rolls away, moving himself to the far edge of the bed.
"Fuck it. I'm taking another shower…"
He stretches long, arms reaching to the ceiling, and then reaching to scratch his scalp.
"Don't suppose you wanna join me, huh?"
Cloud feels his face flush. He feels the heat run so far as his loins, stirring and twitching, reactive. A rash of sweat prickles up his arms. He buffers direct eye contact. He's still an open wound unprotected and sensitive to the world.
Reno shakes his head, seeing his reluctance.
"It's cool if you don't. I'm not gonna… force you. This time. Just an idea. Wanna enjoy it while I can."
"I think… I'll sit this one out," Cloud answers, giving him a vague gesture.
"Sure. See you in a few then," Reno tells him.
He stands and makes to walk across the room, headed for the bathroom, bare from head to toe.
Cloud gets a thought then. A loud one. It screams out before he can pounce on it.
"How do you... explain… my hands?" he asks the back of Reno's head.
Reno stops mid stride.
"You took a potion," he suggests, not bothering to turn around.
"You know I didn't," Cloud argues.
"Then… You're a freak of nature…"
"I healed again," Cloud says, rolling his fingers over his palms, as if to confirm it himself. "Just like when I was under Sephiroth's… influence."
He runs with the thread, the opportunity set, forming his theory as he comes to it.
"But, Zack cured me. He wiped Sephiroth's haze away. He gave up all he had left. And then he went critical. Whatever was left… it's inside me, Reno. He died… and just as he died… he blew apart and… and... the rest collected inside me. Zack's inside me… What's left. Like Sephiroth was. Like an intruder. But, it's not… it's not the same. It's not his consciousness. It's more like his… essence and memories. Because of the mako. He comes and goes. It's like… hijacking. Or, I dunno… a possession. I saw him too. He showed up. He killed that sandworm."
Reno turns now.
"Oh, shit. That's what that was? And whoa, whoa, whoa… Stop right there. How did he show up if he blew up? What did you see?"
"He just… appeared. I can't explain it. He was so bright. He was... there. I can't explain anything. I can't explain how he did it. I can't explain how I can tell you about his childhood either. It's just… smells and flashes and half images. I can't explain how... I can tell you he was in pain at almost every moment. He was so... depleted, regretful and ashamed. He didn't like admitting anything to you, right? But I can tell you that he really did trust you in the end. He had to."
"Bullshit," Reno grits, waving an accusatory finger at him. "That's bullshit. I was just about to believe you until you said that too… No. He never trusted me. Not even a little bit. He never liked me. He was itching to knock me off. They always are."
"They?"
"People."
"That's not bullshit?" Cloud accuses.
"Name anyone happy to see me," Reno challenges.
"Your br—"
"He's dead. And he was my brother anyway."
"Me."
"When?" Reno bites out.
"When I saw you coming across the floor… When you confronted Vause."
Reno deflates. He has no more to say. He's processing and debating, waiting for more, wanting more, needing more from Cloud, always. He's ready to listen, ready to believe.
"You looked ready to kill," Cloud describes, voice clear and controlled. "You were... glowing. You didn't have to come back, but you did. You were protecting me. I was… happy to see you."
"If you were a colour, Cloud…" Reno mutters. "You would be gold. The finest there is. Because you're beautiful and shining, and so sought after... but you're also soft and easy to manipulate."
"That's… a nice thing to say," Cloud grumbles.
"It's a true thing to say," Reno stresses.
"Where's my sword?" Cloud opts, fending off a familiar wave of anger.
"See? Your sword? What about the handprint?" Reno counters. "Did he do that too?"
"I guess…" Cloud mumbles, groping for calm. "I guess he did…"
"You guess? You don't remember?"
"No," he admits.
And he doesn't. Just like with his own fractured memories, Zack's are incomplete and confused. Thanks to having no reference, no genesis, and sometimes no influence, his are even more confusing. What are original memories? What is Cloud making up? What are just hopes?
"Of course not," Reno groans.
He readjusts his stance, crossing his hands over his bare chest.
"So... what happened in his house then? Exactly. Can you tell me that? What's the story there?"
"He…" Cloud starts, working through it, stiff and stringent. He's holding it all in, holding it all back. He's got to distance himself from it. He has to make a stand. He has to say something. "He killed... the Director… and he… died doing it."
"Yeah, but…"
"He's dead," Cloud snaps.
"But you—"
"He's dead."
"Right…" Reno offers, dropping off.
He looks Cloud over, uncertain. This Cloud is unbending, driven, but he's also breaking (or is it broken, shattered, splintered and been badly rebuilt?). This Cloud isn't a surprise, or a novelty, and Reno has mixed feelings about him. They met before, back in the badlands, Junon, and the planes outside of New Corel. This Cloud was once commanding and sure. He was once rambling and certain. He got Reno to help him drag a mostly dead Zack through the desert for miles. Frantic, fearful, hateful. He once pleaded for Reno to let him gouge his own eye out.
Reno needs a moment to think, process, and ready himself for more.
"I'm hitting the shower," he declares.
Cloud drops his gaze and nods.
.
.
.
Cloud sits in the empty and dim bedroom and thinks his dangerous thoughts once more. He thinks about Sephiroth and Zack. He thinks about walking away, right out the main door.
He might struggle and hesitate, caught up in old fear and older loneliness, but as soon as he closed that door shut, and stood on the other side, alone and aware, safe and sound, the going would be easy. He could put his last bloody ties behind him and move on. He could hunt down his sword. He could start fresh. He could disappear. But, he doesn't.
He gets dressed, sits on the bed, shuts up his tired mind, and waits for Reno to return.
It's only a ten minute stretch.
"Hey."
Reno stands naked in the steaming threshold.
"I kept thinking... you were gonna leave..." he breathes.
Reno might say what's on his mind, and that might make him honest, most of the time, but it doesn't make him true. He's being true now. He's admitting a weakness. He's lowering his guard. He's submitted a bare statement. And complicating more of Cloud's whirling mind.
Being tired, being thin and stretched, Cloud has nothing but his essential programs working. He's running on every pure emotion and thought, flouting reservations, flouting hesitations, as changeable as the wind. He gives him an honest answer for an honest answer.
"I'm still here," he replies, quiet and soft.
He's not ready for what happens next.
Reno stomps over, stripped and dripping, thump-thumping across the carpeted floor, and comes to a stop before him. He yanks Cloud up from the bed, right into a standing position, and waits there. He waits a good, long beat, and then he's hugging him—flesh wet, head leaned down, arms around his shoulders, squeezing tight, almost lifting him from his feet—hugging him.
Cloud is shocked.
He is released after several heartbeats, unable to return the favour. And that's it. That's the lot. Reno makes nothing of it, moving only to collect his clothing from the foot of the bed. He works at getting dried and dressed, holding his flapping tongue and derogatory commentary for the time being. Cloud can only stand by, damp and dumb.
Suited and proper, Reno collects the gil and betting chips Vause left out for them and then equips his comb, running its pink teeth through his red and wet hair, fixing not much at all. He is tall and proper, a vision, an ill premonition, a sentinel from the past. He's composed on the surface, but underneath, he must be trembling and tortured.
"Are we… you know, good then?" he asks, motioning towards Cloud.
The sensitive tone proves the theory.
"Yeah…" Cloud answers, breathy as a sigh. "We're good... Good enough."
"Holy fuck," Reno exclaims, dropping the smooth air and cool show to expel a held breath and exaggerate a shrug. "I thought you'd hate me forever."
"I never... hated you…" Cloud murmurs, sitting back on the bed. "I just…"
"Oh my. You're not very good at lying..." Reno says, shaking the comb at him.
"Maybe you can help me with that too..." Cloud suggests, doing forced demure justice.
"Ohh," Reno gusts, adjusting his tie. "Absolutely."
He drops onto the sinking mattress next to him. Their skinny shoulders rub.
"So... what are we doing?" Reno poses. "Should we eat? Gamble? Splurge?"
Cloud has nothing more to say. He is so thin.
Reno waits long enough (a Reno-sized amount of time), and then on he goes.
"I was thinking... in the shower…" he mutters. "I didn't know Seph was… you know. For real. People talked and shit, and he… with you… but everyone talks, and he was..."
Cloud lifts his drooping head. He's so tired, he might as well still be drunk. Or dreaming.
"It was a secret," he tells him. "And they... killed Zack for it."
"Yeah, well... we didn't work with him for long," Reno declares. "At all. Guess all my shameless flirting paid off… I mean. Damn. I tried every day. Zack actually got with that? That's amazing. That's legend worthy right there. Almost figured Seph was a day tripper. Or just... not interested, you know? Like… any physical interaction was a waste or something. Seph's next level. Top shelf. A fucking unicorn, man. Kinda like you. Only you're way better. You're not evil, and scary, and. And, uh. Uh. I mean… Shit, there I go again. Never mind."
"It's... fine…" Cloud assures, not so sure. "I only… remember… enjoying it anyway."
Reno stays quiet, giving him the space to dig up and maybe resolve the memory.
"I guess I was made to. So… I would remember. So I... couldn't block it out. Not completely."
Reno winces at the thought.
"I can remember… up until… just before the end. It gets… weird after that. A lot is missing."
"You're lucky he didn't… hurt you," Reno proposes, unable to contain it.
Cloud offers him a scrunched brow.
"Like, really hurt you," Reno clarifies. "He could have cut you, bruised you, broken you… Left a mark."
"He… almost broke me. I don't feel lucky."
Reno scowls.
"I do," he says.
Cloud scowls right back.
"Hey," Reno exclaims, shaking his head. "Don't take that as something it's not, yo. I'm not lucky you're not cut up because you'd be gnarly to look at, or because that might make me feel even more shitty and guilty and responsible about everything. No, I'm lucky you're not cut up because I'm glad you're not cut up. I like you. I care about you. Whatever." A short pause. "I only hope... he still is alive... so I can kill him for you. I want to. I will. For you... and for Vegas."
"He's dead," Cloud levels.
"I told you… I'm not so sure…"
"He's gone. I'm sure. I know. I don't feel him anymore. Zack wouldn't have… He..."
Cloud turns his head aside and quits.
Reno does not.
"What really happened in the badlands? Where did he go? What are you blocking out? What really makes you think he was in your head? Other than the trauma, which I think it is... What did you really see? You were a lifeless body one minute, laughing your head off the next, and then to top it all off... once responsive, you flipped out on me."
"I was having... a strong emotional reaction."
"Oh yeah?" Reno huffs. "I got that. You called me a bastard. Multiple times."
"And that upset you?" Cloud asks, looking back just to showcase his growing disapproval.
"It fucking did," Reno admits. "Because it's... true."
Cloud's disapproval dissolves into disgust.
"You're so hung up on yourself..." he growls.
"I'm hung up on myself?" Reno scoffs, throwing his arms out. "I didn't just sulk and pout for the last 48 hours. I didn't just willingly put myself into a situation I couldn't get myself out of."
"It doesn't matter."
"Doesn't it? Are you kidding me? You just don't care then? Who gives a shit about what anyone thinks? You're just gonna sling yourself into the next shitty situation? You're gonna make me step in and drag you back out? You're gonna screw up everything he fought for?"
Cloud's grimace deepens.
"I'm gonna return that sword."
"You're gonna— You don't wanna… keep it?" Reno asks, his tone and demeanour changing.
"No. Not really," Cloud says. "I don't want to… even look at it."
"Okay then. That's something," Reno approves, very clearly relieved.
He arches back to stretch his spine.
"Where did he get it again? Where did it come from?"
Cloud answers, "The Resistance in Midgar…"
"Oh... Midgar," Reno grumbles. "Well. If anyone can protect us from Shinra it should be them, right? Either way, I've got your back, man. Considering everything else you've been talking about… this actually sounds reasonable. We'll do it. We'll make it right."
Cloud forces a nod, never so sure of anything anymore. He fell into that trap twice now. He dropped his guard and paid for it. And so did Zack. He should learn his lesson.
Reno puts a hand on his shoulder.
"Good talk. Glad to have you back. Seriously. I missed you, man. I really fucking did. It was awful. You were all fuck you… and I was like fuck you too… It was bad. Now let's... go get somethin' to eat, huh? What time is it? I'm starving. Tseng can babysit a little longer, yeah?"
He smiles a pleased smile to himself and ruffles his wet hair, coming out disheveled and daunting on the other end.
He cocks his head and winks.
It's endearing, until it's not, and then it's right back to endearing again. He's a handful. He's just Reno.
"Great fuck, by the way."
.
.
.
They leave the room and the floor of suites. The Saucer as a whole is a maze of levels and floors and elevators and attractions and distractions. They don't have to look too far for what they want. Everything is labeled and marked and easy enough to find if one knows where to look. Backlit maps and towering advertisements plaster the walls everywhere.
On the main casino floor there is a 24-hour buffet. Without a timeline, or anywhere to be, or anyone waiting for them (other than Tseng), they can take their time. Nothing is pending. Nothing is happening. They know, or at least Reno knows, where their weapons are. They're safe. They're accounted for. They can take a detour before collecting them and heading off into ruin.
They find the place surrounded by palm fronds, overgrown ferns, and frosted glass. The line is nonexistent. What staff they see are bored and dismissive.
Reno pays for their table and they enter the roped-off buffet area together. Reno parts with Cloud there, headed for the hot plates and the fragrant spread, and whatever his stomach desires.
Cloud drifts towards the seating area, finding them a booth far from people (which isn't too difficult at ten in the evening) and waits for Reno there. Cloud lazily observes his surroundings, he almost relaxes, and he wishes for another cigarette.
A sluggish but friendly server soon arrives to drop off silverware and take their drink order.
Cloud gets them two coffees.
Reno returns before they can be delivered.
It's almost long enough to enjoy the quiet, and nurse the idea of having come alone.
Reno sidles up, that cocky, self-assured gait doing its saucy thing, and sets two plates heaped with various foods onto the glossed tabletop before him. He slides in across from Cloud, wincing to himself the whole way through.
"Sore?" Cloud inquires.
Reno is taken by the question. He stalls and observes him for a short moment over their short distance. Steam and aromas lift and rise from the plates set between. He eventually reaches out and slides a dish closer, giving his attention over to that instead.
"As a matter of fact, I am," he answers, taking up a fork.
"I am too," Cloud agrees. "You were rather… vigorous."
Reno commences eating, cherry picking the assortment of edible goodies at his leisure.
"The shower?" he asks, muffled by bread and greens and all else.
Cloud nods.
"Yeah…" Reno says, swallowing thickly. "Kinda got… carried away. Like I said. And I also said I was sorry. And what is this? You're not eating? You didn't get anything."
The server arrives with a pot of coffee and their mugs. They pause their conversation as she pours them each a steaming portion.
Cloud waves off the cream and sugar.
Reno has a shot of coffee with his.
Once alone, Cloud offers, "I'm not hungry. And you don't normally get carried away?"
"Hey," Reno exclaims, waving his fork in an aggressive motion. "I can show a certain amount of self control when I want to. I just… hardly ever want to."
Cloud takes a careful sip of his coffee, eyeing Reno over the brim of his off-white mug. It's hot in his cold hands. It's hot on his lips and in his nostrils.
"You bruised my knees."
"Don't tell me that…" Reno groans.
"Why not?" Cloud asks.
"I'll wanna see…"
"I'll show you."
Reno clears his throat and corrects his posture.
"You're killing me."
"And you love every stroke," Cloud counters, matter of fact.
Reno scrutinizes him. His sharp eyes narrow. His brow creases. His wrist turns this way, that way, the fork twisting this way, that way. The gears turn. The moment stretches.
"Who are you?" he demands.
It's Cloud's turn to be taken. He balks, mouth dropping open to work out a snide or confident response and getting nothing but dead air as a result.
"You sound like…" Reno muses.
Cloud shuts his mouth and holds his breath.
He's about to realize. Reno could be about to admit and believe. He could be on his side. Things might start to get a little easier.
"You sound like your filter's gone," Reno says.
Cloud drops his eyes to the dark liquid simmering in his mug. He brings the vessel back to his lips, takes an adventurous sip, and relishes the bitter burn, swallowing his disappointment with it.
"I'm just… speaking my mind," he offers.
"I know… and it's… unusual... And I'm kinda freaked out right now," Reno claims.
"Why?" Cloud snaps, putting the mug down and out of his hands. He looks at Reno straight on. "You don't like it? You don't want all of me?"
"Oh, I've already taken every inch, pal," Reno reminds, calm and cool.
He spikes a bit of fruit with his utensil and pointedly eats it.
Cloud's getting worked up, excited. There's a fire stored in his belly. He's trying to hide it under a veneer of boredom and indifference. The lie is starting to slip and fall. The fire's starting to build and smoke. He's getting more and more careless. He's getting more and more ravenous. And Reno is giving him a decent spar. They might just get everything out in the open at last.
Reno tries his own coffee before striking his next blow.
"You know, I've never come from just anal stimulation before. I was caught up and tired though, and you must have hit a sweet spot. Fuck. Just white light and waves of pleasure..."
"Oh yeah?" Cloud drones, bouncing his chin cupped in the palm of his propped up hand. "Didn't have anything to do with what was said, right?"
Reno grins.
"Very little, I imagine."
Cloud affords him a twitch of a sour smirk and slides his eyes away to skim the thin crowd, knowing the truth.
It had everything to do with it.
"Should try it again in private. See if it really was a fluke," he mumbles, sounding positively and profoundly bored.
Reno takes in the statement, staring him down, probably wondering if he heard him right at all.
"Are you… flirting with me now?" he whispers, setting his mug down.
Cloud smiles and slides his gaze back across the table, leveling on his companion.
"Do you secretly like it?" he asks, eyebrows bouncing once, voice devoid of inflection, expression null, attack successful.
"Yeah, I do," Reno readily admits.
"You know," Cloud says, not letting up his punishment. "For how much you talk... you're surprisingly one note in bed."
"Really?" Reno chirps. "You're saying my dirty talk needs some work then?"
"What dirty talk?"
"Ouch."
"Not that I don't like hearing you cry oh fuck, oh fuck, oh—"
"Okay, okay," Reno growls, overtaking him. "I get it."
He takes a sulking sip of his coffee.
"Yours isn't much better..." he argues.
Cloud mirrors his action, adding a victorious flare with a muted grin.
"Oh yeah?" he digs.
"Yeah."
They stare each other down.
A server passes.
Cloud blinks.
Reno smirks.
He probably feels he won that one, and he doesn't give Cloud the chance to make up for it either.
"How old are you?" Reno prompts.
"Why?" Cloud counters.
"So I don't feel like a complete creep."
Cloud scoffs.
"How old are you?" he retaliates.
"I asked first," Reno reminds.
Cloud gives in, wanting to see where (if anywhere) he's going with it.
"Nineteen. I think."
"You think?" Reno mutters.
Cloud shrugs, his smile small.
"I lost track," he admits. "So, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five," Reno answers.
"Really?" Cloud exclaims.
"Yup."
"You don't seem that old…"
"I get that a lot…"
Cloud shakes his head.
"No, I mean, you don't look that old."
"Thanks. You look like… Uh." Reno stalls but says it anyway. "You look like I should be put in jail."
Cloud snorts.
"Nineteen, you said?" Reno verifies.
Cloud again shrugs.
"When did your… with the fire… and the..."
"I was twelve."
Reno nods, considering.
"You joined Shinra as soon as you could?"
"Almost."
Something doesn't add up.
"You'd have been with Shinra three years?"
"Yes…"
"What department?"
Cloud holds his tongue.
"You weren't always military, that's for sure. What did they have you doing? Paperwork?" Reno asks.
"More or less."
Reno isn't so sure. Something is fishy, and he's going to sniff it out. He wants to know everything. He wants every last dismal detail. And Cloud won't tell him outright. He'll make him work for it.
"Where you—"
Only, maybe not.
"I made ammunition for a long time," Cloud says, taking over. "On an assembly line. One of those long conveyer belts. I checked quality. Because I was so good at that, they moved me up to explosives and measuring powders. After that… I got the paperwork. Checking boxes, matching codes, keeping log. I wasn't a soldier at first, no. I had to work up to even being able to enter boot camp. They… threw me out the first time. I couldn't… hack it. It goes… on your permanent records. It's the first thing they see."
"They made you wait three years to join their stupid boy's club? That's fucking absurd," Reno spits, angrily attacking a bit of food with his fork.
"They said I had a place... just not on the battlefield. Not yet. I wasn't what they were looking for. They put me to work elsewhere."
"Oh, what the fuck?" Reno vents on his behalf.
Cloud sips his coffee, controls his tone, his features, and his angry innards.
"You said yourself: I'm a daisy. I'm small. When I did finally get accepted… and passed boot camp… and processing… my first real mission was a failure. I was injured. I lost an eye. I lost my shot. I should have been…"
"It's alright," Reno intercepts, stopping him.
Cloud lowers his mug, eyeing it to avoid Reno.
"Doesn't impress you, does it?" he asks.
"Does killing in cold blood impress you? I was a Turk, Cloud. You know what that means?"
"Yes…"
"Are you sure?"
Uncertain silence.
Reno sighs.
"It means, more or less… I lie, I cheat, I hide in the shadows, and then I cut your throat. My only loyalty was getting the chance to do that without any silly or messy repercussions. I enjoyed it. I was even good at it."
"So what happened?" Cloud asks. "Why aren't you still a Turk? They called you my bodyguard."
"I got wasted," Reno mutters. "And I killed the wrong person."
"Oh."
"They demoted us both."
"Damn."
"Yeah. Impressed now?"
"Kinda," Cloud murmurs.
The slow smile is duplicated.
They quiet to eat and drink.
Cloud steals a cherry tomato from Reno's plate.
Reno acts as if he hadn't seen a thing.
The air is calm, and maybe, if they squint, it could even be pleasant.
"How long were you in Shinra?" Cloud asks at length.
His coffee is gone and his nerves are settled. His exhaustion is no more than a haze. He has been enjoying the silence in the lull between conversation.
"A long time…" Reno returns, leaned back and basking.
He ate just about everything he carried back.
"Where you always a Turk?"
"No… Actually… I wanted... to be a pilot."
"A pilot?" Cloud stresses.
"Yeah. I like… flying. And whatever."
"Why didn't you become one?"
"I'm colour blind."
"What? Really?" Cloud squawks.
"Yeah, really," Reno groans. "Have a hard time seeing reds and greens… certain browns, and oranges..."
"That's…"
"I know, right?" Reno laments, shrugging and rolling his neck.
"What about…"
"Vegas?" he asks, picking it up.
Cloud nods.
"Not colour blind. Go figure. And he… wanted to be... important."
"Did you always work together?" Cloud asks.
"No. Not at first. That was… my fault. I did my fly boy thing. He went political. He didn't like hurting people. I did. I do… I was picked up by the Turks. They paired me with Rude. That turned out well… I gambled away his money. And his trust. Vegas came back… because he was always watching my ass. Because, what a shocker, only I got demoted. Just me. Got knocked down a few pegs after my… big fuck up. He took the hit too. Stuck by my side, hung it out. Shinra never liked the idea of us working together, but working together started… making me see what I was doing wrong… My brother only ever wanted to… help me. And then you came along."
He pauses for a beat, eyes skimming the table.
"Vegas and I might look the same… but we've never acted the same. Like I said, he likes girls… I like. You know. Other. He's like… He was like… my personality polar opposite. And he… liked girls… Past tense… He used to. He would. If he wasn't fucking dead."
"You miss him?" Cloud spouts.
"What kind of question is that? Of course I fucking do… But." A pause. A frown. A distant stare. "It also feels like… he's coming back, you know? It's like he's just... away... He's just been... delayed… and he's only another hour or two away. He'll catch up. He'll give me hell. He'll really chew me out. And then we're good."
This is news to Cloud. He knew Reno was still mourning, but not this. With how willing he is to write off Zack… and anything else Cloud says… maybe it does make sense. Maybe he forgets Zack to have him all to himself. Maybe he believes it only because he hopes it's true. He's in denial.
"If I… think about it too long…" Reno mutters.
Cloud suddenly wants to change the subject.
"It'll kill me. I want revenge, Cloud. To put my mind at ease and my brother to rest. You keep denying me that every time you say Seph's dead… You keep making him stronger every time you say he was in your head…"
Cloud has nothing to come back with. He never considered that either. He rolls his jaw and tongues his lip. He waits for the axe to drop.
"You put your sword to rest… and then I'm… going back to NCB2. I have to… find out what they did with Vegas. His… body. Maybe he's… still there... I have to… face it. To know. I can't hide anymore, fuck. I gotta… I gotta go get him."
Cloud hears him, and he nods in agreement, saving any words he might have on the subject to leave the moment unspoiled. But, he doesn't commiserate beyond that. He knows this is the truth. He believes him. He still isn't getting the same treatment. The moment doesn't stay unspoiled for long.
"If you want me to help you… and keep talking to you..." Cloud murmurs, "you need to start believing me."
Reno thinks on this, pushing his depleted dishes from him one after the other.
"I'll do my best," he answers.
"I hope so," Cloud replies.
"Do you?" Reno prods, glancing up to make an impression.
"I'm doing my best..."
"You play with fire… you're gonna learn to love gettin' burned, man."
Cloud fidgets and looks about, checking their surroundings and marking any wayward eyes.
"Speaking of fire… Do you mind if I... smoke?"
He's not too hopeful, especially given their last subject, but he has to ask. He'd probably lie and cheat for one. The want has been crackling under his skin since before he smelled the coffee. It's the perfect occasion. He might just depart to smoke out of his range if he has to.
Reno waves a dismissive hand.
No.
He has one hell of a time with the damn lighter. The little plastic thing they picked up in Junon is on its last legs and very disagreeable.
Reno takes note.
He watches Cloud pluck his victim from a pack he chose (another addition from Junon) and then watches him strike and strike and strike away the wheel, until, finally, the damn thing sparks and offers enough of a whisper of a flame for him to catch his cigarette.
It's a no smoking area. The swirl and smell draws plenty of annoyed looks from the staff and other patrons but they don't do anything beyond gawking on and then moving on. They don't ask him to extinguish it.
The first drag is the best.
Reno surveys, noting and observing. He records how Cloud pinches the item's filter between his index and middle fingers. He considers every drag as it hollows his cheeks, purses his lips, and shuts his eyes. Every motion fluid and measured. Every motion calling attention to itself. And Reno is drawn in.
He won't tell him. Ever. But, he thinks (he's positive) Cloud sounds like Zack. More precisely, he's been talking like him. There. He thought it. It's done. He can't take it back. Cloud smokes like him. He jokes like him. And there he goes exhaling exhaust from his nostrils just. Like. Zack. Just like a veteran would.
Shit.
Is it so bad of Reno to not want to believe him? Is it so bad that he resists and denies? Is it so strange to recoil from something you don't understand?
"That really would have made a hell of a threesome," he says, doing a bang up job at skirting the whole problem.
"What?" Cloud poses.
"You, me, and Zack."
"Oh."
"I love that you do that, man... It's fucking adorable. When you say oh."
"Oh?" Cloud breathes.
"And you're pretty fucking snarky too."
Cloud draws in long and exhales short, the cigarette losing its battle.
"I'm working on it," he says in a puff of grey.
"Please do," Reno encourages.
"Are you done?" Cloud asks out of the blue, a tune too high.
Reno's thrown by it. He feels the rushing prickle of sweat crawl over his arms, just as a twinge in his left shoulder spikes, cries out, and rolls over. He is switched on. His pulse has caught twice in his thumping heart. He's ready for action.
"What? Eating? Yeah, why?"
"I wanna leave," Cloud explains.
He wilts and looks down to the cigarette in his hand. The hand resting on its thin white wrist on the edge of the tan table. He's dodging Reno, avoiding any response.
Reno's alert and intensity dims. His attention eases. And so does his rigid posture. The concern and the aching remains. He's still dealing with his residual hurts banging around. He's still dealing with his foolish heart.
"Okay, sure. You alright?" he asks.
"I've got a... headache," Cloud mumbles.
"You should have eaten more."
Cloud rolls his eyes and dabs the half spent cigarette into a cold smudge of leftover liquid whatever on one of the two plates. It fizzes right out.
He closes his eyes for a moment, pacing himself, fortifying himself, and then he rocks forward, getting ready to slide from the booth and move on.
"Good talk. Let's go get our shit back," he announces.
Reno nods and jumps to join him.
"Yessir."
.
.
.
.