In Your Eyes

by m. diddy

Seven moments in the Host from Ian’s POV. A series of one-shots exploring his thoughts on Wanderer, from first meeting her to her reinsertion.

6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: The Host belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I am not making any profit from this.

A/N: Here is the chapter! I've gone back and edited in a little bit in Five so that the second half didn't feel so rushed. And thank you to Foxy005, amethyst-dreams27, ashley-anne-cullen, Sakiru Yume, mandyk24, Naomirocks, litnerd, ChampionShoes, KATi HEARTS EDWARD CULLEN, i.heart.you X., MidnightxRed, AvidTwilighterOCD, efficacious humorosity, and Leah Ceyer for all of the reviews! I hope you guys like this chapter as well :) Once again, a good portion of the dialogue is from The Host, pages 436 – 538. And thank you again to efficacious humorosity for betaing!

Six

Four days after Wanda left the rec room, Jamie took a turn for the worst and Jared decided that it was time for a raid. Kyle and I joined him, not wanting to leave him alone in his desperation. It was a pointless mission from the start; the worms had thrown away all forms of human medication when they invaded, and unfortunately, even with Wanda we knew absolutely nothing about the alien medicine. And even if we did, there was no way that we would be able to get any. They only kept it near the hospitals and because they were so heavily populated, we would never risk ours lives, and the lives of everyone else in the caves, trying to steal a crate of them. But Jared led us around the entire state of Arizona, searching for absolutely anything that might help the boy.

Three days later, we had only found a cooler of ice. We headed back to the caves feeling completely hopeless. Jamie looked even worse when we got back; he was sickeningly pale and covered in sweat from a fever that was raging out of control. Wanda had the strangest reaction when she saw us return empty-handed. Her face, which was normally full of so much emotion, went completely blank.

"Nothing?" Doc murmured, the second he saw us in the doorway to Jamie's room. "Did you check-"

"Every spot we could think of," Kyle said, interrupting him. "It's not like painkillers, drugs – lots of people had reason to keep those hidden. The antibiotics were always kept in the open. They're gone, Doc." It was disconcerting to know that all of the antibiotics were simply gone; they had seemed so prevalent in our old lives. We had used them as a crutch for so long and now it felt like we were completely vulnerable to disease. Jamie was a prime example of just how easy it was to catch some kind of bug and it was clear that he didn't really stand a chance unless we found something that would help him fight off the infection.

Wanda was as still as a statue. She couldn't tear her eyes from Jamie, watching as Doc tried to cool his fever with the ice we had brought back. I tried to grab her hand but she pulled away from me. "Don't look like that," I whispered, trying to keep our conversation private, which was hard to do since it seemed like everyone in the caves was waiting out in the hallway. "He'll pull through. He's tough."

She was completely silent, like she hadn't heard a word I said. Her eyes were unfocused, and I knew she was talking to Melanie. I couldn't help but wonder what it was like, having two people in the same body who were both so beyond upset. And then Wanda's blank mask, the one she had worn since we showed up, crumpled and I could see the utter hopelessness underneath. I wanted to reach out to her, but it was clear that she didn't want my comfort; she only wanted Jamie to get better. "Jamie needs real medicines. The ones the souls have. We need to get him those," she said softly, her voice low and hoarse from lack of use.

Doc frowned. "We don't even know what those things do, how they work."

"Does it matter?" Wanda asked sharply. "They do work. They can save him." It was so unlike Wanda to snap at anyone, especially Doc. It was like everyone had turned to stare at her, their suspicions confirmed. I rolled my eyes at them. They thought she was trying to trick us, that she was planning on taking Jamie to the Seekers so that they could heal him. They couldn't see that she was full of desperation, willing to do absolutely anything as long as it meant that Jamie would be okay.

"We can't get 'em, Wanda," Jeb said, trying to talk some sense into her. "We can only get into deserted places. There's always a bunch of your kind in a hospital. Twenty-four hours a day. Too many eyes. We won't do Jamie any good if we got caught."

"Sure," Kyle said, one again displaying his ignorance about Wanda. "The centipedes will be only too happy to heal his body when they find us here. And make him one of them. Is that what you're after?"

I could have hit him at that moment if he wasn't so far out of my reach. Wanda turned and glared at him, her muscles tensing as if she actually was going to hurt him. I put my hand on her shoulder to hold her back. Kyle would have no problem hitting a girl if that girl was Wanda. She shook my hand off and turned back to Jeb. Her voice was flat and emotionless when she said, "There has to be a way."

Jared nodded. He was just as desperate as Wanda was to save the boy. "Maybe someplace small," he said, and I could see the plan forming in his head. "The gun would make too much noise, but if there were enough of us to overwhelm them, we could use knives."

"No," Wanda said, completely shocked by his suggestion. "No. That's not what I meant. Not killing –"

Jeb ignored Wanda and tried to argue with Jared. "There's no way, kid. Somebody'd get a call off to the Seekers. Even if we were in and out, something like that would bring 'em down on us in force. We'd be hard-pressed to make it out at all. And they'd follow." It was the truth. While I was willing to do pretty much anything to make Wanda happy, we would never be able to get any of the alien medicine. We couldn't raid a hospital, or even a small clinic, and make it out alive.

"I don't want the boy to die either, but we can't risk everyone's lives for one person," Kyle said. "People die here; it happens. We can't get crazy to save one boy."

Wanda turned and glared at him again, her hands twitching as if she'd like nothing more than to choke him. "We have to save him," she said loudly.

Jeb turned to look at her pityingly. "Hon, we can't just walk in there and ask."

"You can't," she said softly. "But I can." The room fell completely silent and everyone tensed up. It was like they had been waiting months, ever since she showed up, for Wanda to say that. They thought she had accomplished her mission; she had gotten the right people to trust her and now she was going to lead us all to the Seekers. She didn't notice the tension, though, and she continued on with her plan. "They aren't suspicious. Not at all. Even if I'm a horrible liar, they would never suspect anything of me. They wouldn't be listening for lies. Of course not. I'm one of them. They would do anything to help me. I'd say I got hurt hiking or something… and then I'd find a way to be alone and I'd take as much as I could hide. Think of it! I could get enough to heal everyone here. To last for years. And Jamie would be fine! Why didn't I think of this before? Maybe it wouldn't have been too late even for Walter." Her face fell when she turned around and saw the way everyone was looking at her. They were all suspicious, even Jeb. It seemed like I was the only one who trusted Wanda. "Please," she whispered. "It's the only way to save him."

"Patient, isn't it?" Kyle said, looking at Wanda in disgust. "Bided it's time well, don't you think?" It was as if all of his worst assumptions had just come true. He turned to me and I could tell he was dying to say, "I told you so."

Wanda turned to Doc and I could see the desperation in her eyes. "Doc?" she said

But he didn't completely trust her, either. "Even if there was any way we could let you outside, Wanda… I just couldn't trust drugs I don't understand. Jamie's a tough kid. His system will fight this off."

"We'll go out again," I said, trying to reassure her. "We'll find something. We won't come back until we do."

"That's not good enough," she said, tears forming in her eyes. She turned to Jared and practically begged, "Jared. You know. You know I would never let anything hurt Jamie. You know I can do this. Please."

He looked at her and then turned to survey the crowd that had gathered outside Jamie's room. Everyone was worried about Jamie, but they weren't willing to let Wanda get the souls' medicine. Most of them looked almost happy in their fury, as if they knew this was going to happen all along and they were glad that everyone had seen what they perceived as Wanda's true colors. "No, Wanda," he said quietly. "No." I actually heard Kyle sigh in relief.

Her knees buckled and then she threw herself forward, at Jamie. She actually elbowed Trudy out of the way so that she could sit with him. The tears were spilling from her eyes as she refilled his cold compress with the newly acquired ice. She held it his forehead and kept saying his name. It was clear that she felt completely hopeless.

Everyone started to leave slowly after that. All of them were offended by what she had suggested. I felt torn. I could understand why they were so afraid, but at the same time, I knew Wanda would never hurt us. Even after witnessing the bloodbath in the hospital, she would still sacrifice everything for Jamie simply because she loved him.

"Do you think she'll try to leave?" I heard Kyle ask.

"No," Wes said. "Wanda wouldn't go against Jeb's orders."

"I hope she does," Brandt muttered, confidently. "It'd be nice to finally be able to get rid of her."

Someone actually laughed at that, agreeing with him. I forced myself not to look at them as they left. Their reactions angered me; how could they still think that Wanda was going to turn us in after all this time? She looked like she was contemplating doing it anyways, and I knew I had to try and stop her. I would never turn on her, even if she actually was some kind of spy, but I wouldn't be able to stop them. "I know you wouldn't…" I said softly, trying to talk some sense into her. "But Wanda, they'll kill you if you try. After what happened… in the hospital. They're afraid you have good reason to destroy us… Anyway, he'll be alright. You have to trust that." She wouldn't even look at me. She just continued to hold the compress to his forehead, crying softly and saying his name repeatedly. She must have been disgusted with us all. I left when I couldn't take her silence anymore. We had gone straight to Jamie's room after the raid, and I needed to sleep before I could help Wanda find a way to save Jamie. I was extremely grateful when I got to my room and found that Kyle wasn't around. I was able to fall asleep quickly, the image of Wanda crying over Jamie's body burned into my brain.

I woke up to my brother screaming. He was so loud that I was afraid he was going to cause a cave-in. "What do you mean, it's gone? Didn't you have anyone watching it?" I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my forehead, trying to understand what he was saying. He stormed into the room, practically throwing the red door out of his way, and glared at me. "Did you know they were planning this, Ian?"

"Planning what? What's going on?" I asked, sitting up and trying to rub the sleep from my eyes.

"They're gone," he said, his voice was low and deadly.

"Who's gone? What the hell are you talking about, Kyle?"

"Wanda and Jared left," he said, eyeing me suspiciously. It was like he thought I was acting, that I really knew what he was talking about and I had actually taken some part in it.

I looked at him in pure confusion. "What do you mean, they left?" I asked carefully.

"How many times do I have to say it, Ian? Wanda and Jared aren't here. He must have taken her on a raid," he said.

My face fell and I jumped to my feet. Jared had actually let her try it. They were out of the desert now, trying to blend in with the souls. I couldn't believe they had actually made it out of here alive. A million questions raced through my mind. Would Wanda be able to get the medicine without any problems? I knew she wouldn't turn us in but she was so bad at lying… And was she right before? Would the worms really just put her in a different body if they realized that she had been with the human resistance or would they punish her for her betrayal? And if she did get caught, would the Seekers be able to find us? "Where's Jeb?" I finally asked.

"He's with Doc and Jamie," he said, still looking at me in distrust. "Brandt, Aaron and I are going to pack everything up, in case we have to get out of here in a hurry. You should –"

I ignored him and took off towards Jamie's room. I had to find out what was going on and only Jeb would be able to give me the actual truth. My stomach had twisted into knots by the time I found him in Jamie's room. He was sitting in the far corner, watching Doc as he put the ice in Jamie's cold compress. "What happened?" I asked urgently.

Jeb frowned at me. "I thought you might be able to tell us that."

I noticed that they were both looking at me accusingly for the first time. "Jeb, I swear I didn't know anything about this. You know that I would have come to you had I known Wanda was even thinking about it."

He studied me for a long moment and then nodded, acknowledging that he believed me. "Jared knocked Doc out while he was sleeping with some chloroform and they were both gone when he woke up. He told me as soon as he realized what had happened and we've searched everywhere for them."

"They must have gone to get medicine," I said softly. I sunk to the floor next to Jeb, lost in my thoughts. I was so worried about Wanda that my fear felt almost tangible.

"That's what we figured," Jeb said. "Wes and Lily tried to catch up to them but they had already grabbed a car from the rock slide. We weren't going to attempt to follow them on the freeway."

It was a good choice. There was no point in following them past the desert, it would only draw too much attention to us all. But my imagination was running wild with the worst possible things that could happen. All I could see when I closed my eyes was a man in scrubs, his features too fuzzy to make out, realizing what Wanda was doing and alerting the Seekers before she even realized what was going on. I could see them torturing her in my mind, trying to get our location. And even if they didn't torture her, they would separate her from Melanie and stick her in another body. I wondered briefly what it would be like, seeing Wanda's expressions on someone else's face, before my mind turned back to the horrifying possibility of the Seekers finding the caves. Would they be able to take Wanda's memories from Melanie's body even after they had taken her out? Would they be able to capture Jared? What would happen if they did find us, would they simply kill us all or would they keep some of our bodies as hosts for more souls?

I didn't even realize that I was gasping for breath until Doc kneeled down in front of me. "Ian, are you all right?" he asked.

It felt like someone was sitting on my chest, but I didn't see the point in mentioning it. "I'm fine," I said softly, trying to calm myself down. But I didn't feel fine; it was like I was having a panic attack or something. I could only think about Wanda. Even if she did somehow steal the medicine for Jamie without getting caught, they would have a hard time getting back into the caves. Everyone would try to stop them at all costs; they wouldn't care if she had the medicine. They were only concerned with their safety. They might try to hurt her, even if she wasn't leading the Seekers back to us. How could Jared have taken her out? What was he thinking? I knew he was as desperate as she was to save the kid, but this was simply irresponsible. I would never be able to forgive either of them if something happened to her.

Doc eyed me suspiciously, obviously doubting what I had said. "Maybe you should go lay down. You were only asleep for a couple hours."

I shook my head quickly, not bothering to say anything. I knew Jeb and Doc would be the first ones to know if Wanda and Jared somehow made it back alive, and I wanted to stay with them so I would be one of the first ones to find out. They both looked at me in confusion, not fully understanding why I was determined to stay in the room. They didn't push it, though, and they mostly left me to my thoughts. I tuned everything else out and tried to convince myself that everything would be okay, Wanda would make it back alive and safe with the medicine to help Jamie. It was ridiculous, but I was sure that I could somehow will it to happen.

It didn't surprise me when Kyle showed up a few hours later. His face was set with determination and I could tell from the way he looked at me that he still thought I had something to do with this. He sat down next to me and said, "Brandt's watching the entrance with Wes."

Jeb sighed in annoyance. "Starting trouble isn't going to do anyone any good, Kyle."

"You've been keeping too many secrets, Jeb," Kyle shot back. "You seem to forget that what that worm does out there affects all of us, not just you three."

Jeb ignored him, sighing in annoyance again. Kyle was pushing him on purpose, he knew Jared had taken Jeb's gun with them. But Kyle wanted to take his frustrations out on someone, so he turned to me and smirked. "Do you think –"

"Shut up, Kyle," I said, interrupting him. I simply knew that I didn't want to hear anything he had to say right now.

He scowled at me, but he didn't say anything. We sat in a tense silence for what felt like hours. I kept trying to convince myself that they were going to get home safe, but a very large part of me was having a hard time believing it.

Finally, Brandt appeared in the doorway. "They're back," he said, trying to catch his breath. "The both of them. Jared's eyes weren't reflecting any light." Jeb, Kyle and I all scrambled to our feet and took off towards the entrance. Kyle was the fastest, his anger was pushing him forward, but I was surprised at how fast Jeb was moving.

Kyle's mouth went off as soon as he saw them. Jared had Wanda blindfolded on his back and he was carrying Jeb's gun in his arms. Wanda was wearing a large backpack that looked completely full. I stopped running as soon as I saw her, the relief hitting me like a ton of bricks. "Jared, you idiot!" Kyle shouted. "What were you thinking?"

"Ease up, Kyle," Jeb said, clearly annoyed with my brother.

"Is she hurt?" I demanded. It was easy to think clearly now that she was back, and I wanted to know why she wasn't running. I might actually hurt Jared if she got hurt while they were out there.

"Get out of my way," Jared said, completely calm. "I'm in a hurry. Wanda's in perfect shape, but she insisted on being blindfolded. How is Jamie?"

"Hot," Jeb said.

Jared started to run faster as he said, "Wanda's got what we need."

I was resisting the urge to grab her off of his back. "I can carry her," I offered.

"She's fine where she is."

I scowled at him, ready to start yelling much like Kyle had when Wanda turned to me. "I'm really okay."

We ran in silence then. I could hear the beginning of an angry mob forming in the main room. Jared ran right through, yelling, "Out of my way! Is Doc with Jamie?"

I couldn't spot Sharon or Maggie out there, even though I suspected that they had created the mob that was now running with us, and I wasn't surprised when I saw them waiting for us in Jamie's room. They would have wanted to be there to confront them, even if meant delaying Wanda in helping Jamie. "You!" Sharon said, and then she launched herself at Jared. Jared was ready for her; he grabbed her arm and twisted it behind her back. Maggie looked like she was going to attack Jared, but Jeb rushed past Jared and Sharon to stop her.

"Let her go!" Doc said, jumping to his feet.

Jared ignored him. He turned to Wanda and said, "Wanda – heal him!" Instead of helping Sharon, Doc put himself in between Wanda and Jamie.

"Doc," Wanda choked out, sounding scared out of her mind. "I need your help. Please. For Jamie."

He didn't move an inch. He looked torn, his eyes kept darting back to Sharon and Jared. "C'mon, Doc," I said, resting my hand on Wanda's shoulder. It was stupid, but touching her made it real; I was completely convinced now that I wasn't dreaming. She had some how gotten the medicine and made it back without a scratch on her. She deserved to at least try to help the boy. "You gonna let the kid die for your pride?"

"It's not pride. You don't know what those foreign substances will do to him!" he said, although he didn't sound entirely convinced.

"He can't get much worse, can he?" I argued.

"Doc," Wanda said, determined to make him move. "Look at my face."

Everyone in the room stared at her face then. It was amazing, the scars that we had inflicted on her were gone. The skin on that side of her face was smooth and unblemished. "How?" Doc asked, still uncertain.

"I'll show you," she said. "Please. Jamie doesn't need to suffer."

He stared at her scar-free face for a moment, trying to decide what to do. Then he sighed and said, "Ian's right – he can't get much worse. If this kills him…" he shrugged, and then his whole body slumped. It was easy to see that Doc was sick of seeing death, it seemed like it had been everywhere lately.

"No!" Sharon cried, but no one paid any attention to her. We were all too curious to see if the alien medication would work.

Wanda knelt down next to Jamie and I sank down next to her, wanting to help in any way that I could. She fumbled around in the backpack until she had a small white container. I grabbed one of the lanterns that had been in the room and pointed it at Jamie's face. "Water, Ian?" she asked. I watched as she grabbed a small, thin square out of the container and placed it on Jamie's tongue. I handed her the water and she washed the square down his throat, before grabbing a thinner spray bottle and squirting it in his face. Then there was another container full of more the small tissue squares. She washed another one down his throat and I could actually see Jamie get better. It was like all of his color went rushing back to his face. Doc leaned down to touch it in wonder while Wanda moved to the cut on his leg. "Doc, do you have a sharp knife?" she asked.

I tuned the two of them out while I literally watched Jamie's fever go down. He looked healthy, even though he was still covered in sweat. He regained consciousness while they were working on his leg. "Hey," he croaked, looking around the room in confusion. "Hey, Wanda. What's going on? What's everyone doing here?"

He tried to sit up but I pushed him back down onto the mattress. "Easy there, kid," I said. "How you feelin'?"

"I feel… really good," he said, still completely disoriented. "Why is everyone here? I don't remember…"

"You've been sick," I explained. "Hold still so we can finish fixing you."

He ignored me and looked around the room, still trying to figure out what was going on. It must have been confusing, so many people were staring at him as if he had just come back from the dead. "Can I have some water?" he asked.

"Sure, kid," I said, handing him the water that Wanda had just used. "Here you go."

"It's the No Pain," Wanda muttered from her spot by his leg. "It feels wonderful."

Jamie turned to me with wide eyes and whispered, "Why does Jared have Sharon in a headlock?"

"She's in a bad mood," I whispered back, smirking at the expression on Sharon's face.

I watched as Doc opened the wound and Wanda put various creams and sprays on it. It was amazing to watch the alien medication work up close. It was like it completely eliminated the bacterial infection as soon as it came in contact with his skin. And Wanda seemed to know how to use all of it. I don't think she realized at the moment just how big a deal this was. We had a part of the soul technology now; we could completely heal ourselves with one small square of tissue paper. It was disorienting just thinking about it. This would help us so much. Jamie was sitting up in no time, making jokes with Wanda. "Where did you get this stuff, Wanda?" he asked. "It's like magic."

"Jared took me on a raid," she said as she finished wiping some other cream on top of his completely healed skin.

"Seriously?" he asked. It was refreshing to hear the excitement in his voice. It really did look like he was completely cured of his infection. "That's awesome."

"You should have seen her. She was incredible," Jared said as he let go of Sharon and moved closer. His relief was clear on his face. "She walked right into a hospital, right up to the alien there, and asked them to treat her injuries, bold as anything. Then, when they turned their backs, she robbed them blind! Walked right out of there with medicine enough to last us all for a long time. She even waved at the bugger behind the counter as she drove away." I turned to stare at Wanda in disbelief. It was hard to imagine her doing anything like that and keeping a straight face.

"It wasn't that exciting, really," she said, grabbing Jamie's hand. "It was very easy. I'm a bugger, too, after all."

"I didn't mean –" Jared started to say but she waved him off, smiling. It was clear that she wasn't even offended by what he said.

"How did you explain the scar on your face?" Doc asked curiously. "Didn't they wonder why you hadn't –"

She interrupted him by saying, "I had to have fresh injuries, of course. I was careful to leave them nothing to be suspicious about. I told them I'd fallen with a knife in my hand." She smiled and nudged Jamie with her elbow. "It could happen to anyone."

But I was too distracted by what she had said. I could only imagine how badly she had hurt herself in order to save Jamie. "Fresh injuries?" I asked, my voice flat and emotionless.

Wanda stared at me in surprise. "It was necessary. I had to hide my scar. And learn how to heal Jamie."

Jared picked up her left wrist and started to stroke it. A small part of me wanted to push him off of her. "It was horrible," he said softly. "She about hacked her hand off. I thought she'd never use it again."

"You cut yourself?" Jamie asked, in shock.

"Don't be anxious – it wasn't that bad," she said softly. "I knew it would be healed quickly."

"You should have seen her," Jared said. I couldn't help noticing that he was still touching her.

I brushed my fingers across her cheek, full of pride. What she had just done for us was amazing, but she was too willing to risk her own life. It seemed like she didn't think of herself at all. "No more raids for you," I muttered. I couldn't stop myself from smiling as she leaned into my hand.

"Of course she'll go out again," Jared said, completely surprised by my reaction. "Ian, she was absolutely phenomenal. You'd have to see to really understand. I'm only just beginning to guess at all possibilities –"

"Possibilities?" I asked, cutting him off. I couldn't believe him. Of course he would only think of all that she could do for him. It was clear that she would do anything he asked. I pulled her away from him before he could ask for too much. "At what cost to her? You let her hack her own hand off?" I was having a hard time restraining myself; all I wanted to do was hit him. How could he let her hurt herself like that?

"No, Ian, it wasn't like that," Wanda said, trying to stop the argument before it started. "It was my idea. I had to."

The fact that she was defending him only seemed to make me angrier. "Of course it was your idea! You'd do anything… You have no limits when it comes to these two. But Jared shouldn't have let you –"

"What other way was there, Ian?" Jared argued. "Did you have a better plan? Do you think she'd be happier if she was unhurt but Jamie was gone?"

He had a point but the fact that he was so good at reading Wanda sent the jealousy burning through me again. I was having a hard time holding it back. "No. But I don't understand how you could sit there and watch her do that to herself." I shook my head in disgust as Jared glared at me, his muscles tensing up. "What kind of a man –"

Jeb broke up the argument by saying, "A practical one. It's why Jared's the best at getting what we need. Because he can do what has to be done. Or watch what has to be done. Even when watching's harder than doing." I was about to interrupt him when I noticed the large cardboard box in his arms. "Now, I know it's closer to breakfast than supper, but I figured some of you haven't eaten in a while." He turned to Jamie and asked, "Hungry, kid?" Jeb was able to not so subtly change the topic of conversation before a full-blown argument broke out. He cooked us all dehydrated meals on portable stoves. The atmosphere in the caves changed completely; it had gone from being tense and angry to peaceful in a matter of minutes. Wanda had really breathed hope into us all with her retrieval of the souls' medicine. Jamie was on Wanda's lap, talking and laughing with everyone. It was strange to see him up when we had all been convinced that he would be lucky if he made it through the night. I was content in sitting next to Wanda, watching the absolute happiness play on her face as she held Jamie close. It was almost dawn by the time the food was gone. People started to slowly filter out of the room, although Jeb, Doc, Kyle and I stayed in the room, lounging around lazily. By the time everyone was gone, I was laid out with my head on Wanda's stomach, holding one of her hands to my face.

Jeb's belch broke the peaceful silence that had settled on the room. Kyle laughed and then said, "Next time she raids…" He let out a huge yawn and finished his thought, "Next time she raids, I'm coming too."

I felt the anger flood through me again as I thought about what she had to endure this time, although it wasn't nearly as strong as it had been before. I couldn't let her go out again; she was too willing to sacrifice everything for us. And if she wasn't going to think about herself then I would. "She's not going out again," I said, my muscles tensing up despite my sleepiness.

She brushed her fingers across my face, soothing my anger instantly. It rushed back when she said, "Of course not. I don't have to go anywhere unless I'm needed. I don't mind staying here."

"I'm not talking about keeping you prisoner, Wanda," I said, trying to make her see my point. I wasn't trying to keep her from helping out, I was just trying to make sure she stayed safe. She shouldn't have to suffer any more injuries because of us. "You can go anywhere you want as far as I'm concerned. Jogging on the highway, if you'd like that. But not a raid. I'm talking about keeping you safe."

"We need her," Jared said bluntly.

"We got by fine without her before," I spit out. I wanted to kick him in the head, but I was simply too tired to try it.

"Fine? Jamie would have died without her. She can get things for us that no one else can," he argued.

"She's a person, Jared, not a tool," I reminded him. It seemed like he always seemed to forget that.

"I know that. I didn't say –"

Jeb interrupted Jared, trying to break up our argument once again. "'S up to Wanda, I'd say."

But I didn't agree with that. Wanda would do anything that Jared asked of her without any thought to the danger it would put her in. "You can't leave it up to her, Jeb!" I protested.

"Why not?" he asked. "Seems like she's got her own mind. 'S it your job to make decisions for her?" I was willing to take that position since no one else had.

"I'll tell you why not," I said. I looked up at Wanda so that I could prove my point. "Wanda?"

"Yes, Ian?" she said.

"Do you want to go out on raids?" I asked.

"If I can help, of course I should go."

Point proven. She would do anything to help us, even if she didn't particularly want to do it. "That not what I asked, Wanda." I turned back to Jeb and said, "See, Jeb? She never takes into account her own wants – her own happiness, her own health, even. She'd do anything we asked her to, even if it got her killed. It's not fair to ask her things the way we'd ask each other. We stop to think about ourselves. She doesn't."

Everyone was silent, thinking over what I had said. "That's not true," Wanda said, breaking the thoughtful silence. "I think about myself all the time. And I… I want to help. Doesn't that count? It made me so happy to help Jamie tonight. Can't I find happiness the way I want to?"

But I didn't like it when she got happiness from sacrificing herself for others. It didn't seem right. I sighed heavily and said, "See what I mean?"

"Well, I can't tell her she can't go if she wants to," Jeb said. "She's not a prisoner anymore."

"But we don't have to ask," I said, getting more frustrated by the second.

"You don't need to ask," Wanda said softly. "I volunteer. It really wasn't… frightening. Not at all. The other souls are very kind. I'm not afraid of them. It was almost too easy."

I couldn't believe what she was saying. "Easy? Cutting your –"

She interrupted me quickly. "That was an emergency. I won't have to do that again." She paused for a minute and looked around the room. "Right?"

I groaned in frustration when I realized I was fighting a losing battle. Wanda would go on raids because she simply couldn't be happy unless she was putting herself in danger for others. I would just have to go with her, make sure that someone was keeping her best interests in mind. "If she goes, I'm going too," I said. "Someone has to protect her from herself."

"And I'll be there to protect the rest of us from her," Kyle chuckled. I reached over and punched him in the side before he could say anything else. "Ow."

"And I'll be there to bring you all back alive," Jared muttered a few minutes later as we all drifted off to sleep.

We left on our first raid together a couple days after that. It seemed to pass by in a blur. Wanda was able to simply walk into a store and buy anything that we needed. Being outside in the daylight made us all feel overly anxious; Wanda had gotten it right when she said it was like the opposite of claustrophobia. We had disguised ourselves as best we could, each getting a small scar on the back of our necks and wearing nondescript clothing, but I still didn't like the openness. It made me feel like a sitting duck. It had been nerve-wracking the first time, watching Wanda just walk into a grocery store in the middle of the day. But Jared was right, she was incredible. She had gotten stopped by someone outside the store. I was ready to jump out of the van and grab her before they realized what was going on but she knew how to handle the souls. He was gone in less than a minute and she made it back to the van with no problems. I had been blown away by the fact that it was so easy for me to see when Wanda was nervous or lying but they never suspected anything. Wanda was only able to buy enough for four without looking suspicious so we went on a long route, traveling north up to South Dakota before crossing over into Iowa and heading south again. It had gotten almost boring. I felt nervous whenever Wanda left the van, but I was confident that she would make it back perfectly fine.

The nights had always been the worst part of the old raids, but now they were even worse. Before, we spent the nights searching abandoned buildings and trying not to run into any buggers. Now, we slept in roadside inns. It was hard falling asleep; I kept picturing the Seekers finding us while we were unconscious. It felt like we were pushing our luck, sleeping in the mouth of the enemy. Kyle had even refused to sleep in them. He opted to stay out in the van and act as a guard. And it was hard sharing a room with Wanda and Jared. I didn't like the way she looked at him and he knew that. It seemed like he was going out of his way to annoy me, especially the first night. He had actually wanted to ask Wanda who she preferred sharing a bed with. It was a ridiculous idea; she would have tried so hard to make us both happy that she would have made herself miserable. I proposed making her sleep alone. He didn't like the idea at all so he put up a small fight but in the end, I won the argument. I didn't particularly enjoy sharing a bed with Jared, he tended to get violent when he thought I was on his side of the mattress, but I hadn't wanted to make Wanda choose. Honestly, I was a little scared that she wouldn't pick me, and I didn't want to deal with the possibility that I would always be second-best while she was in Melanie's body.

The raid had been so easy that our cockiness on the drive home seemed almost natural. We had managed to get our hands on a big white moving truck, and we filled it with boxes of food and toiletries, enough to last us for a while in the caves. Kyle and I were stuck driving it back to the caves while Wanda and Jared drove ahead of us in the van. It was easy to see that Jared was driving, they were so far ahead of us. He always seemed to have a problem following the speed limit. We were almost at the turn-off into the desert when it happened. Kyle was going as fast as he could to catch up to them when a siren went off. Red and blue lights started spinning across the desert highway a second later.

"Fuck! It's the Seekers!" Kyle muttered, voicing my thoughts.

"Speed up!" I demanded. We had to get up there, see what was going on. My mind was racing, trying to think of any possible way to get Wanda out of there, but I was coming up empty. Jared had pulled the van over to the side of the road but there was no way they could get out of this. The Seekers parked across the road from the van and turned a spotlight on them. I could see the reflection of Wanda's eyes on the road, even from where we were.

"Shit!" Kyle said, stepping slowly on the break. "I knew it, Ian! I told you she was going to get the Seekers!"

I had gotten better ignoring comments like this from Kyle. It seemed like he was purposely trying to find things wrong with her now that she'd already proven herself. I noticed the Seekers' car for the first time. It was low, sleek and obviously made for speed. It was the kind of car they had used in the beginning, when they hadn't taken over completely yet. The last bit of humankind resisted the souls as hard as they could, but they had eventually fallen and the need for fast cars, made for outrunning the human rebels, had dwindled. Something was definitely wrong here. "Look at the car," I pointed out. "That's not normal. Do you think something happened back at the caves?"

"I hope not," he said softly. Kyle was going far below the speed limit as we watched two Seekers exit the vehicle. One of them stayed near the car while the other one walked towards the van. He stood between the two cars, throwing the spotlight on himself. The gun holster was the first thing that caught my eye. This was it. Wanda and Jared had been caught. There was no way that we could get out of this. A large part of me wanted to pull over and fight the Seekers, do anything that would save us, but I knew that I couldn't. It would only draw more attention to the area. Maybe if we hurried, we would be able to get back to the caves just in time to get everyone out of there. I could already feel the sharp, heart-wrenching pain of living in a world without Wanda.

The Seeker didn't react the way I thought he would. I expected to have his gun pointed on them as soon as he got out of the car. Jared's eyes would have given them away as soon as they turned the spotlight on him, but he was just standing there talking to them. "What the hell is going on?" I muttered.

"She's telling them exactly where to find us," he sneered. His anger was a front; I could hear the worry in his voice. We were coming up on them much too fast now. "What should we do about the light?"

I shrugged. "Pull over!" I hissed as soon as I could see the Seeker clearly. He had a small white spray bottle, much like the ones Wanda had used to save Jamie, in his hands. Had he managed to already hurt Wanda somehow? It hadn't looked like it, but suddenly I wasn't sure.

He idled behind the van, the panic breaking through of his angry mask. The Seeker glanced at our truck and then waved him forward. "Is it a trap?" he asked quietly.

"I have no idea," I said. I hadn't been this scared in a long time. We had gotten too comfortable on this raid. It was foolish to be so cocky. How could we have been so stupid? The Seeker waved us forward again, gesturing more broadly this time.

"What about the light?" he asked.

I quickly maneuvered myself so that I would block most his face from the spotlight and closed my eyes. "Keep your eyes closed as much as possible."

He drove slowly through the spotlight, trying to avoid detection. Once we were past the Seekers, he sighed in relief and stepped on the gas so we would reach the caves soon.

"Careful," I said, not wanting to draw the Seekers' attention onto us. "What's happening?"

He looked in his side mirror. "They're still talking!" He watched in silence for a few minutes after that, and I tried to think positive thoughts. If we had somehow gotten through that, surely Wanda and Jared could as well… right? Kyle broke the tense silence when he said, "Holy crap! The Seeker is just driving away!"

"What do you mean, they're just driving away?" I said. I tried to look at the mirror on my side, but I couldn't see much of anything. Why were the Seekers just letting them go? It didn't make any sense.

Kyle slowed down considerably and they caught up to us quickly. Jared pointed a flashlight to his eyes as they passed, showing us that he was still human but I could only focus on Wanda. She gave me a small wave and I wasn't able to do anything but grimace back at her. What the hell had just happened? They got in front of us and turned off their lights, signaling that we would be turning off the highway soon.

"How the fuck did they manage that?" Kyle asked in amazement. "I thought we were all dead."

"Me too," I said, staring at the back of the van in concern.

We rode the rest of the way to the caves in a shocked silence, both trying to figure out how they could have possibly gotten away from the Seekers unscathed.

They were both standing against the side of the van when we reached the caves. Kyle parked behind them and we both jumped out, eager to hear their story. "What happened?" Kyle demanded, reaching them first.

I was close behind him. The first thing I noticed was Wanda, her arms were crossed over her chest and a multitude of tears were running down her cheeks. Jared's hand was on her shoulder in a gesture of comfort and, even though I knew it shouldn't be there, the jealousy was back. I rushed forward and threw my arms around her, trying to pull her as close to me as she could get. I was surprised when she grabbed on to me tightly and started to cry harder. "It's okay," I said softly, rubbing her back. "You did great. It's over."

"Seeker's not the problem, Ian," Jared said. I was annoyed to see that he was leaning forward in order to maintain the contact with Wanda.

"Huh?" I asked, not fully understanding him.

"They were watching the road for a reason. Sounds like Doc's been… working in our absence."

I felt Wanda shudder in my arms and I saw red. How could they do anything like that now, after all that Wanda had done for us? "Why those –!" I stopped when I couldn't think of a word that could come close to how disgusted I was.

"Nice," Kyle said sarcastically. "Idiots. We're gone for a few weeks, and they've got the Seekers on patrol. They could have just asked us to –"

"Shut up, Kyle," Jared said harshly. It was clear to both of us that mentioning the test subjects in front of Wanda was a very bad idea. "That's neither here nor there at the moment. We've got to get this all unloaded fast. Who knows how many are watching us? Let's grab a load and then get some more hands."

I nodded in agreement. We couldn't leave the van and the truck out in the open like this if the Seekers were on alert. They were barely hidden underneath the overhang of the entrance to the caves. I was reluctant to let go of Wanda when she was so upset, though. She pushed me away, even though the tears were still streaming down her face and went to the back of the truck. I stayed with her, making sure she didn't strain herself by carrying a box that was too heavy. We were halfway down the entrance pathway when we heard Jamie shout, "They're back… ack… back!"

We saw him soon after that. He was running with a blue lantern and his face was pale and tense, his eyes red from crying. Wanda and Jared both dropped the boxes they were carrying and asked, "Jamie?"

He threw himself at Wanda, wrapping his arms around her waist. "Oh, Wanda! Oh, Jared!" he sobbed. "Wes is dead! He's dead! The Seeker killed him!"

Jamie's sobs echoed off the cave walls while we stared at him in a shocked silence, not fully comprehending what he had said. Wes couldn't be dead. Jamie was mistaken, that simply couldn't be the truth.

"What?" Wanda finally choked out.

Jeb made it around the corner then, his somber face confirming what Jamie said. Jared turned to Jeb and asked, "Jeb, what's going on?"

"It was the one in black," he said softly and Wanda tensed up. "She got Brandt, too, but Doc was able to help him. They're holding her in the storage area."

"What happened?" Kyle asked, his voice full of shock.

Jeb sighed and said, "We'd better get the rest inside before I give you the specifics. Come on, I'll show you where we can keep this until the Seeker is… gone." I had a feeling that he was editing out what he really planned on doing to the Seeker so that he wouldn't upset Wanda. He lead us further up the pathway, close to the storage area, but not close enough that the Seeker could hear us and guess what we were doing. Jamie went back to the main room to recruit more people to help unload while Jeb turned back towards the trucks with us.

"Jeb, we got stopped by Seekers on the highway right near the turn off," Jared said. "They're on alert for humans. What's going on?"

Jeb sighed heavily and said, "The small one in black figured out what the lines were." Wanda shuddered every time Jeb mentioned her. I reached out and grabbed her hand, but she didn't even seem to notice. "She was getting closer and closer to the caves so Wes, Brandt, Aaron and Andy went out to try and stop her before she found us. She spotted Wes and Brandt quickly and shot at them. She missed Brandt's heart by an inch. Her aim was better with Wes…" He stopped and took a deep breath. It was easy to see that he was still upset about it.

"When did this happen?" I asked.

At the same time, my brother said, "But you managed to catch her, right?"

Jeb nodded. "Andy and Aaron were able to corner her after that with that rifle. Brandt and Aaron are guarding her in the storage area now. She showed up about four days ago."

"Why is she still alive?" Jared asked, his anger consuming him. I expected Wanda to react to that but she continued to stare at the ground as we walked, the same scared expression on her face.

"I thought Wanda might want to talk to her," he said. "She is your Seeker, right?"

Wanda nodded slowly, although her face was blank. I couldn't read what she was thinking and that worried me. But it made sense for the Seekers to be on the look-out now. Kyle and I had witnessed first hand how adamant the one in black had been during the search for Wanda, convinced that there were humans hiding out in the desert. She had dedicated the last few months to searching for us, using helicopters and all-terrain SUVs to comb the desert wasteland. Now that she was gone, they must have started to wonder if she had been right.

We finished unloading the truck in a heavy silence, one that was weighing down on everyone in the caves. We were all trying to deal with the pain Wes's death had caused. Once we finished, Andy and Paige drove the vehicles back to the rock slide while everyone else followed Jeb into the kitchen. We ate cheese sandwiches as he told us what they had done to throw the Seekers' attention off of our home. Her car had been dumped on the other side of Tucson, far enough away that the Seekers would hopefully never get as close to our hide-out as she had. They'd try to make it look like she had also been attacked by coyotes by tearing up her bag and leaving food scattered on the ground but we already knew that the Seekers hadn't fallen for it, not completely. Wanda went off with Jeb to talk to her; I had gotten up to go with her, but she stopped me with a look. I hadn't wanted her to talk to the Seeker alone; it was obvious how frightened she was by her, but I wasn't going to force myself on her.

Once I had eaten and cleaned up from the raid, I went looking for Lily. Trudy had said that she wasn't doing so well. She had just started a relationship with Wes, and I couldn't even imagine the amount of pain she must be feeling right now. I found her in her room. She was lying on her side on the mattress, staring blankly at the wall. "Lily?" I whispered.

"Hi, Ian," she said, not moving an inch. I walked into her room and sat down on the floor next to her small mattress. We sat in silence for a while until she said, "I guess you've heard." Her voice was coarse and I could tell that she had spent the last few days crying.

"Yes," I said, staring at my hands. It still felt wrong. Wes couldn't be dead. I was half-expecting him to burst through the door and tell me to get out of Lily's room so he could be alone with her.

She turned to look at me and I was a little shocked by the amount of pain in her eyes. "Why?" she asked in a soft voice. "Why him? Why now, so soon after…" her voice trailed off into a sob. She was right, it didn't make any sense. Wes had been after Lily ever since she had arrived shortly after him, but she had only just recently realized it. It seemed cruel that fate would take him away from her now, such a short time after their relationship started. She started crying then and I pulled myself closer to her, rubbing her back as she let out loud, heart-wrenching sobs.

I cried with her, the tears silently running down my cheeks. It felt like it was just hitting me then that Wes was gone and never coming back. It was hard to accept that I would never see him again. Wes was a good friend. I had been on friendly terms with him since he had reached the caves, but it seemed like we had gotten closer when Wanda showed up. He had been one of the first ones to accept Wanda into our society and then he and I had commiserated over the fact that we were both in love with women who, for some reason, never noticed it. He and Lily had given me hope that Wanda would some day love me, but now I couldn't help feeling hopeless.

Lily didn't say much after that. She apologized a couple times, although I had no idea why. I had known she would be upset when I came to see her. I wanted to be there for her, I knew that Wes would have wanted someone to look after her. She cried herself to sleep eventually. She was restless, though, and the tears continued falling even as she tossed and turned. She called out his name occasionally, the crying usually got worst during those times, but never woke up. I stayed with her until I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore.

Kyle was leaving our room by the time I reached it. He looked me over outside the doorway and said, "You look like shit."

I could only imagine how I looked. My eyes must have been bloodshot from the combination of exhaustion and the tears I had shed while comforting Lily. But I could see that Wes's death had affected Kyle as well, the area around his eyes was slightly swollen. "So do you," I muttered as I slipped past him into the room.

He stood in the doorway and watched as I climbed into bed, too tired to even change out of my clothes. "You're going to sleep?" he asked, confused.

"Yeah," I said, giving him a strange look. What did he think I was doing? "Why?"

He shrugged. "I figured you'd be waiting for Wanda to get back."

I sat up and said, "Get back from where?" Oh God, what happened now?

I was expecting the worst, so I was surprised when Kyle just shook his head. "Her and Jared went out on another raid."

"For what?" I asked. We had just gotten back from a raid. What could they possibly need that we hadn't already gotten?

He shrugged again and said, "I don't know but I think it has something to do with the Seeker. She's still alive, you know." I thought I would be enraged by that fact but I just felt indifferent. Before I had met Wanda, I would probably have gone off to kill Wes's murderer myself if I had to but now… it didn't feel right. A life for a life didn't seem fair anymore. Maybe I was just too tired to be properly angry about it. When I didn't say anything, Kyle raised and eyebrow at me and asked, "Do you want to go see her?"

I didn't know if that was code for going to find out why she was still alive (and then killing her if he felt it was necessary) or just going to talk to her. I didn't care either way. I shook my head and laid back down on the mattress, staring at the stars through the cracks in the ceiling. It was slightly ridiculous, I had seen first-hand how well Wanda had done on the raids before, but I still worried about her. It felt like it took me hours to fall asleep.

By the time I woke up, the rumors were already circulating. It didn't take long for Kyle to find me and tell me that Wanda had taken the Seeker out of its human body. She had known how to do it all along and now she had taught it to Doc. The atmosphere in the caves was completely different, as if someone had flipped a switch. Everyone was buzzing with excitement and hope. If this was true, we might actually be able to overtake the souls and get our planet back. The rumors were confirmed when Jeb, Wanda and Doc walked into the eating area with her. I recognized the Seeker right away; she was still incredibly small with dark hair cut to her chin. There really wasn't any indication that she was human now, although I was sure her eyes wouldn't reflect any light that was shone into them. The majority of the people in the room jumped up and rushed over to her, all talking at once. They were all filled with a morbid curiosity, wanting to know what it was like to actually have one of the aliens inside her. But I only had eyes for Wanda. She was watching everything warily with a small frown on her face. She looked upset, although I couldn't really figure out why. But that didn't really matter because at that moment, because the amount of pride that I felt for her was practically bursting out of me. It was kind of funny; everyone had hated her when she first arrived, but now she had given us the exact thing we had shed so much blood searching for. It was the silver lining to Wes's death; now we could free the human hosts of the souls inside of them. It was the one thing humans needed to stand a chance against the souls. I suddenly felt like a million possibilities were opening up, the majority of them good. I should have realized then that it was all too good to be true.